Nightingales (1990–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Crime and Punishment - full transcript
A burglar is apprehended, who produces incontrovertible evidence that he is the illegitimate son of all three men.
THEME MUSIC
SUSPENSFUL MUSIC
What?
Open it.
I don't want to.
What, are you scared?
No, no, I'm not scared.
I'm not scared.
Well, open it then.
You open it then.
I don't want to open it then.
I don't want to open it then.
Anyway, it's addressed
to the Sarge, look.
Probably something to do
with his gardening.
Gardening?
What're you talking about,
you tit,
Sarge is not into his gardening.
Of course he is.
The man's garden is a riot
of colour in the summertime.
What about those hollyhocks
he bought in last week.
They were in full bloom.
Their perfume
hung in the air for days.
Seeds and things.
Seeds!
Seeds and things, yes.
Petunias, lobelia, geraniums.
Antirrhinums, French marigolds,
dahlias.
Oh, yes, yes.
Anybody there.
TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens! #
Seeds!
Seeds!
SHOUTING
Seeds?
Yeah.
I never ordered any seeds.
Oh, yes, wait a minute.
This must be the stuff
I ordered from head office
in connection with that trouble
we've been having.
Trouble? What, you mean
the spate of burglaries
that have been occurring
in the building of late?
A series of thefts for which as
yet there is no known suspect.
Yes. That trouble.
What's in them then?
Ah, now,
that I can't tell ya, lad.
All I do know is I sent
head office a chitty.
SNIGGERING
What? Nothing.
Nothing, it's fine.
Well, I sent in this chitty,
you see.
And head office said to me...
Sorry, sorry. No, Sarge,
What did you send to head office?
I told ya! I sent them a chitty.
God, we have some fun in this job,
don't we?
Anyway, I sent in this chitty--
Yes, yes, we're fed up
with that bit now. Open the box.
Bet it's something useless anyway.
When do they ever send us
anything that was any good?
Oh, well, we can but hope, lads.
We can but hope.
Eh?
Eh?
ALL GASP
OMINOUS MUSIC
TOGETHER: Leathering lizards!
SARGE LAUGHS
You're gonna be the Sarge's dog,
aren't ya?
Yes, you are.
Just a small point, Sarge, why...
Why does it
have to be your dog, hm?
Why, for example,
why can't it be Carter's dog?
Yeah, or Bell's dog?
Why can't it be Bell's dog?
Exactly.
Why can't it be Carter's dog?
All right, I suggest we swap.
BELL RINGS
Say, every 16 minutes.
Fair enough?
All right, yeah,
but I want the helmet first.
I've always wanted me own helmet.
Fair enough.
But, come on now,
let's get on patrol.
And keep an eye out
for that burglar.
Burglar, burglar.
Ooh, ooh.
He wouldn't mess with us,
would he?
He wouldn't stand a chance,
look at us.
We're unstoppable.
Yeah!
OMINOUS MUSIC
BELL RINGING
TOGETHER: Oi!
BELL RINGING
ALL ROARING
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Eh? Eh? Eh?
TOGETHER: Oggy, oggy, oggy!
Oi, oi, oi!
Here we go, here we go, go, go, go!
Oggy, oggy, oggy! Oi, oi, oi!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
You'll have to excuse the lads,
they don't get much excitement.
What happened? What happened?
You fainted.
I did not faint!
I did not. I was practising
falling over.
And me.
I was practising that as well.
BELL RINGING
What you gonna do then?
What we gonna do?
What we gonna do?
What we gonna do?
What'd you think we're gonna do?
What we gonna do, Sarge?
Well, to my way of thinking,
in a case like this,
there's only one thing you can do.
TOGETHER: Yeah!
What, Sarge?
What is the only one thing
we can do?
Question him.
TOGETHER: Question him.
TOGETHER: Question him.
Yeah, bagsy. Me first, me first.
Right, what should I ask him?
Well, ask him something relating
to the matter in hand.
I will. I will.
I will ask him something
relating to the matter in hand.
Go on, then.
Right, right.
Who starred in the 1955 film,
'Cast A Dark Shadow'?
Dirk Bogarde.
Well, thank you very much.
You wouldn't give me five minutes
to think up a decent question.
I feel a right prat now.
Come here.
You haven't a clue, lad.
You were supposed to ask him
something relating to the matter
in hand. Let me have a go.
All right, bonehead,
see if you can do better.
I will. I will do better.
Yes. Let's see now.
Ah, yes.
Where does the hermit crab
lay its eggs?
You what?
Don't play for time, lad!
Where does the hermit crab
lay his eggs?
A hermit crab lays its eggs...
a hermit crab, right,
lays its eggs in a...
in a... in a duffle bag.
Is that a fact? I never knew that.
Pathetic. Come here.
You're supposed to ask him
something related
to the matter in hand.
I'll have a go.
Right, aye! I know.
What's your favourite position
for sexual intercourse?
I'm not answering that.
Come on! What is it?
My knees.
What? My knees bent.
What?
Knees bent.
What?
Knees bloody bent!
Pervert.
Oi, look, I've had enough.
Call the police, will ya?
TOGETHER: Oooh, noo.
We haven't finished yet.
We haven't finished
our questioning,
not by a long chalk.
We got all night.
We don't stop work
till seven in the morning.
TOGETHER: Yeah!
WHIRRING
Please! No more!
I can't take it any more!
Please call the police!
Start.
Comb.
Yeah.
Matchbox.
Yeah.
Camera.
Yeah.
Packet of condoms.
Yes.
Sort of plastic thing.
"Sort of plastic thing"?
You would not be referring to
a credit card by any chance?
Here, that's it, credit card.
No! Cos there's no credit card,
see?
That'll teach you
to know about Dirk Bogarde.
Please, just call the police.
Here, Sarge, take a photo
of me and Carter with him.
Carter, come on.
Oh, all right.
Come here.
Watch the dicky bird.
Say prison.
Please, my wrists are bleeding.
What say we take a break,
eh, lads?
My wrists, they're bleeding.
Yeah, well, I suppose we could
untie him for a bit, eh?
BELL RINGS
Well, as long
as he don't get up to anything.
No, he's not gonna
mess with us now, is he?
I mean, look at us, eh?
We're no fools.
I'm a long way from home.
Yeah, yeah.
Where do you live then?
Where do I live?
I sleep rough, don't I?
Haven't got a home.
Haven't got no-one.
IN GERMAN: Und wo sind
deine Mutter und Vater?
Hab' keine Mutter und Vater.
Kein Zuhause,
keine Mutter und Vater?
Ich bin Waise.
Ein Waisenkind?
Yeah, an orphan.
My mum died when I was seven.
I never knew my father.
What, didn't you know
anything about him?
Well, he left me this.
Sort of like a love token.
Whoever's got the other half
of that photo is my dad.
SOMBRE MUSIC
Who is this supposed to be then?
Cochise.
Who?
Are you deaf?
He's talking about Cochise.
Leader of the Cherokee Apaches.
Oh, yeah,
and what do you know about it?
Dad.
Tell us about it.
No, I don't want to,
it's past. It's history.
Oh, all right then.
SOMBRE MUSIC
I was ten miles from Sausalito
when I pulled into
the Bates Motel.
A roadside joint just like any
other roadside joint you'd seen.
Hell, I'd seen a million of them.
I ordered orange juice, eggs,
bacon, coffee, lots of coffee.
I sat looking through the window
at the negro kid
pumping gasoline
into the cars opposite.
And I got to thinking about me,
my life.
How I hadn't amounted to much.
Hell, I was never
going to amount to much.
Then, all that
didn't matter any more
because suddenly I saw her.
Her.
She had a sulky look to her
and her lips stuck out
in a way that said, kiss me.
We were together, what?
Five, six hours.
That's a lifetime when it's right.
And this, this was right.
Two lonely people drowning
in each other's arms.
When the sun came up
I got in the Ford
and headed south
with the hood down.
She was watching me
from the window of her apartment.
I didn't look back.
I guess...
I guess I never did make it
to Sausalito.
What'd you do then?
I went down the laundrette.
And that's all you've got
to remind ya
of your dear mother, eh?
Did leave me
a couple of other things.
She left me this.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Whoever's got the propeller
to that, well, is my dad.
What? Some sort of glider, is it?
That's no glider. That's a--
It's a Sopwith Camel.
Dad?
Look, er, it was a long time ago,
I haven't been youth hostelling
for ages.
Tell us about it.
No, I don't want to, it's past.
It's history. All right then.
SOMBRE MUSIC
I was about five miles
from Dorking.
Just finished the last
of my Kendal Mint Cake.
Then I saw...her.
She was wearing a pink cagoule.
She was having a bit of trouble
with a two-man pup tent.
So, you know,
I offered to help her out.
Lent her a couple of guide ropes.
Anyway, got to talking
and found out
we had a lot in common.
Our sleeping bags were the same
tog rating, stuff like that.
Just about to show her
the Ordinance Survey sign
for a post office.
We looked into each other's eyes.
One thing led to another and...
kept banging me head on a primer.
Guess I never did
make it to Dorking.
Well, I hope you two
are proud of yourselves.
Look at ya.
Leaving this poor orphan lad
to fend for himself.
You should be ashamed
of yourselves, so you should.
What's that?
That's just one page
from a complete set of
Encyclopaedia Britannicas.
Look, it was a long time ago.
A very special lady
gave me that page.
Whoever's got
the rest of that set...
Hang on a minute.
And as I looked down
that low dirt road...
I could just about
make out Consuela
behind the wheel
of her mobile library.
I guess I never did make it
to Pol Caruica.
And that was the last I ever saw
of your dear mother.
Don't worry, son,
you're coming home with me.
No, no, hang on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oi, erm, which dad
do you want to go with?
Yeah.
I don't mind.
As long as I'm with my dads.
Look, he's my son! No, he's
my son! He's coming with me!
ALL ARGUING
Look, all right.
We probably are his fathers.
What'd you mean, "probably".
Well, we don't know, do we?
He could have nicked those things.
No, I think we should make sure
before we commit ourselves.
And how are we gonna do that?
I don't...
Test him. Test him.
Test him. Test.
Ask him something
that only our son would know.
Right. Ding-Dong, you start.
Sarge, come on.
Yeah. Test him, yeah.
What's the matter?
Nothing, nothing.
Have you ever gone really mad
in a doctor's surgery?
Yeah, I do it all the time.
Oh, and me! It's great, innit?
Here, here,
what I like to do, right,
what I like to do, I wait
till the surgery's really full
and then I drag one of me kids...
Your brothers!
That's right, yeah, your brothers.
I drag one of me kids in,
and this is the important bit,
I do not make an appointment.
I walk straight up receptionist
and I say,
"I demand that the doctor
sees my son now!"
Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wish I could do that.
You will one day, son.
Yeah, I'm just gonna
nip to the loo.
Loo?
Bog.
Hey, hey.
That's where
all the big knobs hang out.
Fantastic, yeah.
That's a horrible colour, innit?
What, what, beige?
Don't you like beige?
Well, no.
Can't stand it.
Doesn't like beige.
He's no son of mine.
PLAYS A TUNE
BANJO PLAYS REPLY
PLAYS A TUNE
BANJO PLAYS REPLY
What you doing?
Nothing.
What you doing?
Nothing.
BANJOS PLAYING "DUELLING BANJOS"
BANJOS PLAYING FASTER AND FASTER
It's a compulsion, see?
I always have to play the banjo
on the stroke of midnight.
I know, and me.
What? What, you have to play,
you know?
Yeah, well, I always start
with 'Waltzing Matilda'.
Me too! 'Waltzing Matilda'.
I've tried 'Strangers In The
Night' but it's not the same.
No. This is probably hereditary,
you know.
Son.
I'm just gonna go
and get some fresh air.
What, you like fresh air, do you?
Yeah, I love it.
Fresh air.
OMINOUS MUSIC
That was a great game
of volleyball, Dad.
Yeah, well, I was taught
by the nuns, you see.
Can't get better training
than that.
Look, son.
I know you're my son,
but d'you mind
if I ask you something,
just to make sure?
Nah, course not.
Why did the chicken
cross the road?
Because, er...
Because, er...
I don't know, Dad.
Neither do I!
LAUGHS
Brilliant.
Aah, I'm sorry, son.
I never meant to doubt ya.
Oh.
It's all right, Dad.
I wish I hadn't bought these,
they're a bit tight.
They didn't have a size nine,
had to make do with a size eight.
Nine?
He takes size nine shoe.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Yeah, come on.
Size nine, I ask ya.
Beige.
Fresh air.
He's no son of mine.
Nor mine.
Ditto.
All right, Dads.
This is great, innit, eh?
Boy alone with his fathers,
just the four of us.
Hang on, hang on, just a minute.
Listen, look.
It's a big thing finding out
you've got son
you never thought you had, right?
It's a very delicate issue.
This has to be handled
with sensitivity. D'you want him?
Oh, I've got kids, haven't I?
It'd be different if you were
a girl, haven't got any girls.
You're not a girl, are ya?
No.
Dad? No. No.
My place is too small, it's tiny.
There's not room for both of us.
Build an extension of something?
Now, if you'd been smaller.
You know, if you'd been
a hamster of something.
You're not a hamster, are you?
No.
Dad?
Now, well, I'm all right
just at the moment, you see.
Apart from the gardening.
I can do with a nice bag of peat.
You're not a bag of peat, are ya?
Well, right.
What you doing, Dad?
It's for the best, son.
Ahh, Dad!
Police, please.
Well, come on, Dad.
Stop him, Dad.
They'll be here in 37 seconds.
Oh, this is great, innit, eh?
I mean, a boy finds his father
after all this time
and look how he's treated.
Will you come and see me?
Er, we'd have to be reimbursed.
Yeah, we want travelling expenses.
Yeah, and overnight accommodation
dependent on the location
of your remand centre.
Better leave it then,
haven't got that much money.
POLICEMAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH
SPEAKS AGGRESSIVELY IN SPANISH
Piece of the Eiffel Tower.
My mum gave it to me she said,
whoever's got the rest of that
is my dad.
GROANING
All right, Dads. Yeah, yeah.
Adios, muchachos.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Well, I think we should sit here,
very quietly,
until it's time to go home.
SUSPENSFUL MUSIC
What?
Open it.
I don't want to.
What, are you scared?
No, no, I'm not scared.
I'm not scared.
Well, open it then.
You open it then.
I don't want to open it then.
I don't want to open it then.
Anyway, it's addressed
to the Sarge, look.
Probably something to do
with his gardening.
Gardening?
What're you talking about,
you tit,
Sarge is not into his gardening.
Of course he is.
The man's garden is a riot
of colour in the summertime.
What about those hollyhocks
he bought in last week.
They were in full bloom.
Their perfume
hung in the air for days.
Seeds and things.
Seeds!
Seeds and things, yes.
Petunias, lobelia, geraniums.
Antirrhinums, French marigolds,
dahlias.
Oh, yes, yes.
Anybody there.
TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens! #
Seeds!
Seeds!
SHOUTING
Seeds?
Yeah.
I never ordered any seeds.
Oh, yes, wait a minute.
This must be the stuff
I ordered from head office
in connection with that trouble
we've been having.
Trouble? What, you mean
the spate of burglaries
that have been occurring
in the building of late?
A series of thefts for which as
yet there is no known suspect.
Yes. That trouble.
What's in them then?
Ah, now,
that I can't tell ya, lad.
All I do know is I sent
head office a chitty.
SNIGGERING
What? Nothing.
Nothing, it's fine.
Well, I sent in this chitty,
you see.
And head office said to me...
Sorry, sorry. No, Sarge,
What did you send to head office?
I told ya! I sent them a chitty.
God, we have some fun in this job,
don't we?
Anyway, I sent in this chitty--
Yes, yes, we're fed up
with that bit now. Open the box.
Bet it's something useless anyway.
When do they ever send us
anything that was any good?
Oh, well, we can but hope, lads.
We can but hope.
Eh?
Eh?
ALL GASP
OMINOUS MUSIC
TOGETHER: Leathering lizards!
SARGE LAUGHS
You're gonna be the Sarge's dog,
aren't ya?
Yes, you are.
Just a small point, Sarge, why...
Why does it
have to be your dog, hm?
Why, for example,
why can't it be Carter's dog?
Yeah, or Bell's dog?
Why can't it be Bell's dog?
Exactly.
Why can't it be Carter's dog?
All right, I suggest we swap.
BELL RINGS
Say, every 16 minutes.
Fair enough?
All right, yeah,
but I want the helmet first.
I've always wanted me own helmet.
Fair enough.
But, come on now,
let's get on patrol.
And keep an eye out
for that burglar.
Burglar, burglar.
Ooh, ooh.
He wouldn't mess with us,
would he?
He wouldn't stand a chance,
look at us.
We're unstoppable.
Yeah!
OMINOUS MUSIC
BELL RINGING
TOGETHER: Oi!
BELL RINGING
ALL ROARING
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Eh? Eh? Eh?
TOGETHER: Oggy, oggy, oggy!
Oi, oi, oi!
Here we go, here we go, go, go, go!
Oggy, oggy, oggy! Oi, oi, oi!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
You'll have to excuse the lads,
they don't get much excitement.
What happened? What happened?
You fainted.
I did not faint!
I did not. I was practising
falling over.
And me.
I was practising that as well.
BELL RINGING
What you gonna do then?
What we gonna do?
What we gonna do?
What we gonna do?
What'd you think we're gonna do?
What we gonna do, Sarge?
Well, to my way of thinking,
in a case like this,
there's only one thing you can do.
TOGETHER: Yeah!
What, Sarge?
What is the only one thing
we can do?
Question him.
TOGETHER: Question him.
TOGETHER: Question him.
Yeah, bagsy. Me first, me first.
Right, what should I ask him?
Well, ask him something relating
to the matter in hand.
I will. I will.
I will ask him something
relating to the matter in hand.
Go on, then.
Right, right.
Who starred in the 1955 film,
'Cast A Dark Shadow'?
Dirk Bogarde.
Well, thank you very much.
You wouldn't give me five minutes
to think up a decent question.
I feel a right prat now.
Come here.
You haven't a clue, lad.
You were supposed to ask him
something relating to the matter
in hand. Let me have a go.
All right, bonehead,
see if you can do better.
I will. I will do better.
Yes. Let's see now.
Ah, yes.
Where does the hermit crab
lay its eggs?
You what?
Don't play for time, lad!
Where does the hermit crab
lay his eggs?
A hermit crab lays its eggs...
a hermit crab, right,
lays its eggs in a...
in a... in a duffle bag.
Is that a fact? I never knew that.
Pathetic. Come here.
You're supposed to ask him
something related
to the matter in hand.
I'll have a go.
Right, aye! I know.
What's your favourite position
for sexual intercourse?
I'm not answering that.
Come on! What is it?
My knees.
What? My knees bent.
What?
Knees bent.
What?
Knees bloody bent!
Pervert.
Oi, look, I've had enough.
Call the police, will ya?
TOGETHER: Oooh, noo.
We haven't finished yet.
We haven't finished
our questioning,
not by a long chalk.
We got all night.
We don't stop work
till seven in the morning.
TOGETHER: Yeah!
WHIRRING
Please! No more!
I can't take it any more!
Please call the police!
Start.
Comb.
Yeah.
Matchbox.
Yeah.
Camera.
Yeah.
Packet of condoms.
Yes.
Sort of plastic thing.
"Sort of plastic thing"?
You would not be referring to
a credit card by any chance?
Here, that's it, credit card.
No! Cos there's no credit card,
see?
That'll teach you
to know about Dirk Bogarde.
Please, just call the police.
Here, Sarge, take a photo
of me and Carter with him.
Carter, come on.
Oh, all right.
Come here.
Watch the dicky bird.
Say prison.
Please, my wrists are bleeding.
What say we take a break,
eh, lads?
My wrists, they're bleeding.
Yeah, well, I suppose we could
untie him for a bit, eh?
BELL RINGS
Well, as long
as he don't get up to anything.
No, he's not gonna
mess with us now, is he?
I mean, look at us, eh?
We're no fools.
I'm a long way from home.
Yeah, yeah.
Where do you live then?
Where do I live?
I sleep rough, don't I?
Haven't got a home.
Haven't got no-one.
IN GERMAN: Und wo sind
deine Mutter und Vater?
Hab' keine Mutter und Vater.
Kein Zuhause,
keine Mutter und Vater?
Ich bin Waise.
Ein Waisenkind?
Yeah, an orphan.
My mum died when I was seven.
I never knew my father.
What, didn't you know
anything about him?
Well, he left me this.
Sort of like a love token.
Whoever's got the other half
of that photo is my dad.
SOMBRE MUSIC
Who is this supposed to be then?
Cochise.
Who?
Are you deaf?
He's talking about Cochise.
Leader of the Cherokee Apaches.
Oh, yeah,
and what do you know about it?
Dad.
Tell us about it.
No, I don't want to,
it's past. It's history.
Oh, all right then.
SOMBRE MUSIC
I was ten miles from Sausalito
when I pulled into
the Bates Motel.
A roadside joint just like any
other roadside joint you'd seen.
Hell, I'd seen a million of them.
I ordered orange juice, eggs,
bacon, coffee, lots of coffee.
I sat looking through the window
at the negro kid
pumping gasoline
into the cars opposite.
And I got to thinking about me,
my life.
How I hadn't amounted to much.
Hell, I was never
going to amount to much.
Then, all that
didn't matter any more
because suddenly I saw her.
Her.
She had a sulky look to her
and her lips stuck out
in a way that said, kiss me.
We were together, what?
Five, six hours.
That's a lifetime when it's right.
And this, this was right.
Two lonely people drowning
in each other's arms.
When the sun came up
I got in the Ford
and headed south
with the hood down.
She was watching me
from the window of her apartment.
I didn't look back.
I guess...
I guess I never did make it
to Sausalito.
What'd you do then?
I went down the laundrette.
And that's all you've got
to remind ya
of your dear mother, eh?
Did leave me
a couple of other things.
She left me this.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Whoever's got the propeller
to that, well, is my dad.
What? Some sort of glider, is it?
That's no glider. That's a--
It's a Sopwith Camel.
Dad?
Look, er, it was a long time ago,
I haven't been youth hostelling
for ages.
Tell us about it.
No, I don't want to, it's past.
It's history. All right then.
SOMBRE MUSIC
I was about five miles
from Dorking.
Just finished the last
of my Kendal Mint Cake.
Then I saw...her.
She was wearing a pink cagoule.
She was having a bit of trouble
with a two-man pup tent.
So, you know,
I offered to help her out.
Lent her a couple of guide ropes.
Anyway, got to talking
and found out
we had a lot in common.
Our sleeping bags were the same
tog rating, stuff like that.
Just about to show her
the Ordinance Survey sign
for a post office.
We looked into each other's eyes.
One thing led to another and...
kept banging me head on a primer.
Guess I never did
make it to Dorking.
Well, I hope you two
are proud of yourselves.
Look at ya.
Leaving this poor orphan lad
to fend for himself.
You should be ashamed
of yourselves, so you should.
What's that?
That's just one page
from a complete set of
Encyclopaedia Britannicas.
Look, it was a long time ago.
A very special lady
gave me that page.
Whoever's got
the rest of that set...
Hang on a minute.
And as I looked down
that low dirt road...
I could just about
make out Consuela
behind the wheel
of her mobile library.
I guess I never did make it
to Pol Caruica.
And that was the last I ever saw
of your dear mother.
Don't worry, son,
you're coming home with me.
No, no, hang on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oi, erm, which dad
do you want to go with?
Yeah.
I don't mind.
As long as I'm with my dads.
Look, he's my son! No, he's
my son! He's coming with me!
ALL ARGUING
Look, all right.
We probably are his fathers.
What'd you mean, "probably".
Well, we don't know, do we?
He could have nicked those things.
No, I think we should make sure
before we commit ourselves.
And how are we gonna do that?
I don't...
Test him. Test him.
Test him. Test.
Ask him something
that only our son would know.
Right. Ding-Dong, you start.
Sarge, come on.
Yeah. Test him, yeah.
What's the matter?
Nothing, nothing.
Have you ever gone really mad
in a doctor's surgery?
Yeah, I do it all the time.
Oh, and me! It's great, innit?
Here, here,
what I like to do, right,
what I like to do, I wait
till the surgery's really full
and then I drag one of me kids...
Your brothers!
That's right, yeah, your brothers.
I drag one of me kids in,
and this is the important bit,
I do not make an appointment.
I walk straight up receptionist
and I say,
"I demand that the doctor
sees my son now!"
Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wish I could do that.
You will one day, son.
Yeah, I'm just gonna
nip to the loo.
Loo?
Bog.
Hey, hey.
That's where
all the big knobs hang out.
Fantastic, yeah.
That's a horrible colour, innit?
What, what, beige?
Don't you like beige?
Well, no.
Can't stand it.
Doesn't like beige.
He's no son of mine.
PLAYS A TUNE
BANJO PLAYS REPLY
PLAYS A TUNE
BANJO PLAYS REPLY
What you doing?
Nothing.
What you doing?
Nothing.
BANJOS PLAYING "DUELLING BANJOS"
BANJOS PLAYING FASTER AND FASTER
It's a compulsion, see?
I always have to play the banjo
on the stroke of midnight.
I know, and me.
What? What, you have to play,
you know?
Yeah, well, I always start
with 'Waltzing Matilda'.
Me too! 'Waltzing Matilda'.
I've tried 'Strangers In The
Night' but it's not the same.
No. This is probably hereditary,
you know.
Son.
I'm just gonna go
and get some fresh air.
What, you like fresh air, do you?
Yeah, I love it.
Fresh air.
OMINOUS MUSIC
That was a great game
of volleyball, Dad.
Yeah, well, I was taught
by the nuns, you see.
Can't get better training
than that.
Look, son.
I know you're my son,
but d'you mind
if I ask you something,
just to make sure?
Nah, course not.
Why did the chicken
cross the road?
Because, er...
Because, er...
I don't know, Dad.
Neither do I!
LAUGHS
Brilliant.
Aah, I'm sorry, son.
I never meant to doubt ya.
Oh.
It's all right, Dad.
I wish I hadn't bought these,
they're a bit tight.
They didn't have a size nine,
had to make do with a size eight.
Nine?
He takes size nine shoe.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Yeah, come on.
Size nine, I ask ya.
Beige.
Fresh air.
He's no son of mine.
Nor mine.
Ditto.
All right, Dads.
This is great, innit, eh?
Boy alone with his fathers,
just the four of us.
Hang on, hang on, just a minute.
Listen, look.
It's a big thing finding out
you've got son
you never thought you had, right?
It's a very delicate issue.
This has to be handled
with sensitivity. D'you want him?
Oh, I've got kids, haven't I?
It'd be different if you were
a girl, haven't got any girls.
You're not a girl, are ya?
No.
Dad? No. No.
My place is too small, it's tiny.
There's not room for both of us.
Build an extension of something?
Now, if you'd been smaller.
You know, if you'd been
a hamster of something.
You're not a hamster, are you?
No.
Dad?
Now, well, I'm all right
just at the moment, you see.
Apart from the gardening.
I can do with a nice bag of peat.
You're not a bag of peat, are ya?
Well, right.
What you doing, Dad?
It's for the best, son.
Ahh, Dad!
Police, please.
Well, come on, Dad.
Stop him, Dad.
They'll be here in 37 seconds.
Oh, this is great, innit, eh?
I mean, a boy finds his father
after all this time
and look how he's treated.
Will you come and see me?
Er, we'd have to be reimbursed.
Yeah, we want travelling expenses.
Yeah, and overnight accommodation
dependent on the location
of your remand centre.
Better leave it then,
haven't got that much money.
POLICEMAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH
SPEAKS AGGRESSIVELY IN SPANISH
Piece of the Eiffel Tower.
My mum gave it to me she said,
whoever's got the rest of that
is my dad.
GROANING
All right, Dads. Yeah, yeah.
Adios, muchachos.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Well, I think we should sit here,
very quietly,
until it's time to go home.