Nightingales (1990–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Trouble in Mind - full transcript
A psychiatrist delves into the murky waters of Bell's mind.
THEME MUSIC
Anybody there?
TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
What? What's the matter with you?
What? Nothing. There's nothing.
the matter with me, all right?
What did you do today, Sarge?
Me? I baked a lovely big cake.
Did you?
What, you like doing that
sort of thing, don't you, Sarge?
Yes, you do. You like dabbling
in the culinary arts, Sarge.
Up to my elbows in flour, I was.
Here, I'll bring you in a slice
tomorrow night, if you like.
I-I wouldn't do that
if I were you, Sarge.
I'd only throw it away.
What about you, Ding-Dong?
What did you do today?
Look, I didn't do nothing, right.
Just leave me alone,
I didn't do nothing.
I was only asking.
Look, we don't want to read
and stuff.
Let's have a game of bingo.
Eh?
I don't wanna play bingo.
Well, darts then?
I don't feel like a game of darts.
I don't wanna play darts either.
Well...
I know, I know, right,
I know a good game, right.
Let's turn off all the lights,
right?
And pretend it's dark, right?
So it is really dark and then
we can pretend we're blind.
And then, and then,
I know, right, I know.
We can set fire to a newspaper,
that'd be a good idea.
I don't want to play anything.
What is the matter with you today?
There's nothing, nothing.
Nothing is the matter with me.
Good God, anybody'd think
you raped a horse or something.
Yeah, yeah, not... Bastard!
SARGE LAUGHING
Ah, you didn't honestly think
you could get away with a thing
like that, did you, Mr Bell?
Hey, did you see yourself
on the news, eh?
Coming into court
with that blanket over your head.
Honest to God, you had me and
the wife in stitches, so we are.
And when they interviewed that
bloke from the jockey club
who said they ought to bring back
the death penalty.
He didn't half get carried away,
eh, did he?
Dangling that noose
in front of the camera.
# A four-legged friend,
a four-legged friend #
Look, I do not want
to talk about it.
Ding-Dong, we can hardly forget
about this, can we?
This is very important.
What happens when Horse
of the Year show is on the telly?
They'll always be reminders,
Ding-Dong.
That's right, and what happens
when they do reruns
of Black Beauty, eh?
Look, I have some kind of
breakdown or something.
I don't know why I did it.
But, look, you know,
it was a couple of months ago.
I was just going home
across this field,
I was taking a shortcut,
and then...
I saw it.
And I...
What, love at first sight, was it?
Carter, I wouldn't continue making
remarks like that, if I was you.
If you continue
to make remarks like that
I will be forced to jump up
and down on your neck
for a very long period of time.
How did they catch you, lad?
Well, you know,
when I was doing it...
there was like, erm,
these two old ladies came by
on a nature ramble.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
I tried to distract them, honest.
I said, "Look, there's
a cabbage white butterfly."
You got away with a fine and
a suspended sentence though, eh?
Yeah, but they want me
to see a psychiatrist.
They want to find out
why I did it.
A psychiatrist. Oh, you lucky sod.
Oh, I've always wanted a go
at being analysed.
Ha! If you ask me,
these trick cyclists
enjoy upsetting people.
Asking, probing questions.
Messing about inside our heads.
They'd probably turn him
into a gibbering eejit.
Still, don't let me
put you off, lad.
Look, he'll be here
in half an hour. Here?
What? Why's he coming here?
Look, they say, look,
they want to analyse me
in a work environment.
Look, when he's asking questions
you'll make yourself scarce?
Now, we're not
completely without feelings.
Ding-Dong, you don't half
come out with some...
Do you honestly think
that we are gonna sit here
and watch you go through
the emotional turmoil
of being analysed. I mean, please.
Grant us some sensitivity.
Look, I don't know.
I really don't know.
But there must have been
some reason why
you carried on wetting the bed
to such an advanced age.
Look, I thought you said
you weren't gonna be here?
I lied.
Have I missed anything?
He's still going on about
when he used to wet himself.
If we may continue.
I'd really like you to try
and tell me why you carried on
wetting the bed to the age of 25.
I've got a big... I've got
a big bladder, haven't I?
I see.
Have you ever masturbated
on the upper deck
of a number seven bus?
What number?
Seven.
Seven? Oh, no, no,
I've not done that, no.
That's not what you told me.
You shut your face, Carter.
Tell him, Mr Benson.
Mr Bell, do you have many friends?
Some, you know.
I used to nod to this bloke
when I was out walking the dog.
Haven't seen him
for a couple of years though.
D'you have many friends at school?
Why was that?
WHISPERS
What?
What's he saying,
I can't hear him.
Me ears, I used to have trouble
with me ears.
They used to run.
None of the other kids wanted
to sit next to me at school.
I'm not surprised.
Now, look, if we may turn
to your more recent troubles.
No, look, I don't want
to talk about this any more.
I've had enough.
I'm afraid you must, Mr Bell.
One of the conditions of the court
is that you submit
to psychoanalysis.
Now, if you refuse
to cooperate with me,
you'll be in breach of that order
and you could face
possible imprisonment.
All right, well,
can I just use one-word answers?
If it makes it easier for you, yes.
Did you feel
an overpowering sexual attraction
to the horse.
Sausage.
Ahh!
It's what he said, didn't he?
Well, there's nothing for it,
I'm gonna have to hypnotise you.
Oh, no, no. You're not going to--
You're tired, very tired.
Sleepy, very sleepy, you're asleep.
ETHEREAL MUSIC
I say, that was quick.
It's only practice, you know.
Actually, I entered for the all
England championships last year.
Came second.
Really?
Wow. That's amazing.
Is he, is he hypnotised then?
Mr Bell, can you hear me?
Yes, I hear you.
Oh, this is great.
Get him to do a striptease
or sing something.
That's a very insensitive remark,
if I say so.
This is not some floor show,
not a cheap trick.
The point of hypnosis
is to help me ascertain
the state of Mr Bell's mind.
Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry, Mr Benson.
WHISPERING
I was just checking to see
if his ears weren't running.
Mr Bell,
we were talking about your friends.
No friends.
D'you have anybody to confine in?
Carter.
Talk to Carter sometimes.
Tell him about
when I took the dog to the vet
and me do-it-yourself and stuff.
Honestly, the conversations
quite riveting at times.
Do you like Mr Carter?
No, I...
He's all right, sometimes.
D'you think he's a handsome man?
OK, not bad looking.
Nice legs.
Attractive.
Would you say he's attractive?
Mr Bell, I would like you to point
to the photograph of Mr Carter.
Here, what is all this?
Point to the photograph
of Mr Cater.
Point to Mr Carter.
Holy smoke.
Wake up.
MYSTICAL CLANGING
Oh, what happened then?
Well, Mr Bell--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Yeah?
Wasn't me, I was just
checking his ears.
What?
So, what's your diagnosis then?
Well, this is very interesting,
you see, Mr Bell--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
He is suffering from
a psycho-sexual illness.
Now when he committed the act
with a horse,
he was playing out a fantasy.
Sublimating the desire
felt deep in his own psyche.
What are you talking about?
The horse was a substitute
for Mr Carter.
What, he thinks
I'm a bloody horse?
No, no, no.
So, Mr Bell is--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Mr Bell is in love--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
It's not love, no,
he just wants to have sex with him.
He what?
Well, you heard what he said,
it's buried deep within me thingy,
you know.
Well, then, I must be off.
Off? What'd you mean off?
Off? You gotta cure him first.
I'm afraid my brief was simply
to discover why Mr Bell--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Why he acted the way he did.
Now, of course,
if you want a solution
it's not too difficult to find.
And what would that solution be,
Mr Benson?
Mr Bell simply has--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
He simply has to act out
his fantasy with Mr Carter.
Oh, right.
What, have sex with me?
Get off!
Come on, it'll only take ten
minutes, I'll be ever so quick.
No! Get off!
I just have to get it
out of me system.
Nah, well, find yourself
another horse then.
I don't want another horse.
I want you.
Oh, God.
Until I've done it I won't be
able to get back to normal.
Normal? You've never been normal.
Come on now, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Perhaps it's this place, we should
get out, go somewhere else.
I could pack a picnic hamper,
we could go swimming.
No, I haven't got a swimsuit.
We don't need swimsuits.
What need have we of swimsuits?
We could adorn ourselves
with nuts and berries.
Bell.
# I've got a lovely
bunch of coconuts! #
I could weave some ivy
into your hair.
Nah, it wouldn't look nice
in my hair.
I'm not talking about
your hair up there.
Stop this. I'm not in the mood!
I've got a headache.
Sarge, stop it!
Stop him, Sarge, for God sake!
Sarge, Sarge, please, Dad!
Dad?
Dad?
How long have you had
a secret desire
for the Sarge
to be your real father?
Holy smoke.
ERRIE MUSIC
Headlights.
Headlights coming towards me.
Can't move.
Trapped.
Headlights coming towards me
and...
Bright, blinding headlights.
Well, I think we're about ready
to start now, Mr Carter.
You're tired, very tired.
Sleepy, very sleepy, you're asleep.
There, he's gone.
Here, get him
to take his trousers off.
Now, now, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Well, he'd of done it to me
if he'd of thought of it.
I want you to tell me
about your ninth birthday.
What do you want to know that for?
I thought it was Mr Bell--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
...who needed to be cured.
But the fact that he has a secret
desire for you to be his father
might have a bearing on Mr..
on his case.
You mean that Mr...
Mr Bell is attracted
to Mr Carter
because Mr Carter wants me
to be his father?
Absolutely.
We must follow the chain,
find the root cause.
If we can affect a cure there
then everybody else in the chain
will be cured.
Right.
Tell me about your ninth birthday.
Birthday.
Balloons.
Cake.
And were there lots of children?
No.
No, no children.
And presents?
No.
Top dog. No, he's upset, no.
Please, please, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Sorry.
You mean, you didn't get
the presents you wanted?
No, no train set.
Wanted train set.
Went looking for train set.
Upstairs.
Mummy and Daddy's bedroom.
Mummy and Daddy were they doing
something on the bed?
Was Daddy hurting Mummy,
making her moan?
Did you leap onto Daddy's back
screaming,
"Stop it, Daddy, stop it!"
Did you Mr Carter, did you?
No.
I... I want my train set.
I just wanted a train set
that's all, I...
I went in the bathroom
and Daddy there...
Only not Daddy.
Not look like Daddy.
Daddy wear dress.
Pink dress.
And I said...
it didn't, you know, suit him,
it's the wrong colour.
He said I should forget about it.
He offered me two and six.
I said five shillings
and he said OK.
And then I forgot about it.
Forgot.
I forgot.
Forgot.
Forgot.
Oh, hang about.
Behave yourself, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Sit down.
ETHEREAL RING
Wake up.
What?
Here, what is this? What happened?
What's going on? What, eh?
Did I come out with
some dark secret
locked deep within
my subconscious then?
TOGETHER: No, no.
So.
Your father used to wear
a pink dress.
My God, I forgot about that.
This your fault.
If you hadn't raped that horse
and found out you wanted
to have sex with me,
I'd of never realised I wanted
Sarge as a father figure
because my dad wore a pink dress.
Mr Carter.
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
DING-DONG LAUGHING
What you laughing at, Bell?
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
I'm not laughing at
anything, Carter.
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
well, what is this problem?
So my dad wore a pink dress,
what's that got to do
with anything?
I mean, I'm all right.
I'm normal, aren't I, Dad...
Sarge, Sarge.
Mr Carter-- # Strangers in
the night exchanging glances #
Don't you see?
What?
You'll never be free
till you confront your demons.
Since that day when you first
realised your father wore a dress
you've been seeking a replacement.
A replacement which you found
in the Sarge.
Now you've built the Sarge
into some superhuman figure.
Oh, now, I wouldn't go that far.
Until you accept that the Sarge
is not your real father,
until you relive the moment
when you saw your father
wearing a dress,
you will never be able
to live a normal life.
Yeah, but my dad's dead.
Who am I gonna get
to dress up as a woman?
Now, look, Mr Carter--
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
Yes, Sarge, you're gonna look
lovely in a Jean Muir.
Or a Jean Paul Gaultier
or something black.
I am not wearing a dress.
Oh, come on, I'm not asking much.
Look what Bell wants me to do.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
You will wear that dress,
won't you, Sarge?
Please, Mr Carter.
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
I knew all this psychiatry
business would lead to no good.
I mean, hypnotism, I ask ya,
it's so out of date.
Oh, really,
what you recommend then?
Well, good God man,
isn't it obvious?
We are dealing with people
with people who are shy
in their social behaviour.
Given to bouts of anxiety
and depression.
Classic examples of dysthymia.
No, no, I bet to differ.
I see classic symptoms of hysteria,
Mr Bell and Mr Carter.
BOTH SINGING
I suggest we conduct a series
of controlled experiments
to determine
the socio-economic factors
on their behavioural patterns.
You see, the root of the problem,
as I see it, Mr Benson is...
What?
How long have you had this secret
desire to be a psychiatrist?
I have never had
a secret desire to be...
Oh, yes, I have. I have.
You're so right.
Holy smoke.
Holy smoke.
Another nice idea
when planning your patio layout
is a lichen-encrusted
terracotta urn.
Planted with tubas,
strategically placed
tubs and troughs,
striped cords of vibrant colour
blending harmoniously
with muted stonewall.
Oh, for crying out loud. Please.
Wake him up.
...placed against walls.
I have to know why he has a secret
desire to be a psychiatrist.
Three hours he's been going on
about his bloomin' garden.
He doesn't know, wake him up.
All right.
ETHEREAL RING
Wake up.
Well?
Nothing, you just went on
about your garden.
Ahh.
Did I say anything about a key?
No, why, is it important?
No, it's just that I lost it,
I thought I might have said
where I put it.
All right.
One last try.
Now, you're in a darkened room.
A midget scampers
through the skylight and says,
there's a man outside called Barry
who wants to marry you.
Now, what'd you do?
I fry some kippers.
What's that remind you of?
France.
What's that remind you of?
France.
What's that remind you of?
A man riding a bicycle
up the outside lane
of a dual carriageway.
In France.
What's he got in his back pocket?
A limited edition engraving
of the Pope
kissing a stretch of tarmac.
And what's written on the sole
of the Pope's right shoe?
I love Karen.
Textbook answer.
He's completely sane.
Sane? Sane?
Wh...why does he want
to be a psychiatrist then?
I don't know.
He probably just does.
Well, I could have told you that.
So, so, is that it then?
I'm afraid so, yes.
You see, the Sarge--
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
He is the end of the chain.
So does that mean
we're all right now?
Probably, yes.
But you said
we could only be cured
if one of us
acted out our fantasy.
Did I? Ah.
And we haven't done that yet.
No, so if the Sarge--
# Oh, Danny boy,
the pipes, the pipes-- #
If he analyses somebody that means
we'll all be cured, right?
Yes, probably.
So if you'll excuse me.
Who's it gonna be, Mr Carter?
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
well, I've already been done,
haven't I, Bell?
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
So have I, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
TOGETHER: So that leaves.
No, no, I can't. Please.
Please, no.
Mr Benson, how long
have you had a morbid fear
of being psychoanalysed?
SOMBRE MUSIC
You're tired, very tired.
You're sleepy, very sleepy,
you're...
You're very sleepy.
Oh, give it here, man.
You're tired, very tired.
Sleepy, very sleepy, you're asleep.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Well, come on,
get on with it, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
Where's my manual?
So, what should
I ask him, Mr Bell?
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
You're the one that wants
to be the psychiatrist, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
I know, but I dunno
where to begin.
I don't want to make a fool
of myself, do I, Mr Carter?
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
Well, you got
a point there, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
I can't, I can't,
I've lost my nerve.
Ahhh.
Is there anybody there?
TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
I never wanted to be
a psychiatrist.
Really?
He's psychoanalysing himself,
that's not fair.
So why did you pursue
a career in it then?
I don't know.
Oh, come on, man, of course you do.
Answer me.
I-I was forced into it.
Family tradition.
My aunty was one.
So it was never your ambition
to be a psychiatrist?
Not my real ambition, no.
Ahh. So what was
your real ambition?
-I can't say.
-Come on!
CRYING
I always wanted to...
I always wanted to...
TOGETHER: Yes?
I always wanted to teach a chicken
to play the mouth organ.
ETHEREAL GONG
I didn't say anything about
wanting to teach a chicken to play
the mouth organ, did I?
Yeah.
Uh-huh. Yes.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry,
I try to keep it a secret.
Mentioned it once at a psychiatrist
convention in Brighton
and they said I was mad.
Mad? They said you were mad?
Why, you think it's all right?
We tried that once, didn't we?
We didn't get very far.
That's because
we didn't persevere.
Look at when we tried to teach
that goat to ride the bicycle.
Because it couldn't change gear
properly, you know,
we lost heart, didn't we?
It's all in the past now.
It's too late now.
Look, where is that chicken?
Here.
It's here.
There's the mouth organ partly
concealed by a layer of straw.
No. No, no, I couldn't.
No, you've got to.
You're the end of the line.
Someone's got to
act out their fantasy.
But didn't he analyse me?
No, no, you analysed yourself.
Please, Mr Benson.
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
All right.
I'll... I'll...
I'll give it a go.
CHEERING
Right.
He's mad, eh?
CHICKEN CLUCKING
MOUTH ORGAN BLOWING TUNE
Yeah.
Oh, yes!
CHEERING
We're all cured.
You don't still fancy me, do ya?
Oh, no. I hate you again.
Oh, great, great.
And you don't think of me
as a father figure?
No, you're the same prat as usual.
Good.
Well, I must be off.
Off? Where you going?
Well, she's not the only chicken
in the world.
And think of all
the other species of birds.
The barn owl, the upland goose,
the snowy egret.
TOGETHER: Snowy egret.
Why stop at the mouth organ?
In 20 years' time
I could have a whole orchestra.
A multitude of feathered creatures
all playing a variety
of instruments.
Think of it, just think of it.
Just make sure you get
a good woodwind section,
that's the important bit,
you know.
Well, goodbye, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
Goodbye, Mr Benson.
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
Bye-bye, Mr Benson.
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
Goodbye, Mr Carter.
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
Take care of yourself, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch of
coconuts! # And you, Mr Benson.
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
I will!
APPLAUDING
CHICKEN SCREAMS
All right! I'll give it
to you back in a minute.
Just imagine, you never thought
that when you raped that horse
it was all because Mr Benson--
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
...wanted to teach a chicken
to play a mouth organ.
That's right, I didn't.
And people say psychiatry
is a load of rubbish.
Anybody there?
TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
What? What's the matter with you?
What? Nothing. There's nothing.
the matter with me, all right?
What did you do today, Sarge?
Me? I baked a lovely big cake.
Did you?
What, you like doing that
sort of thing, don't you, Sarge?
Yes, you do. You like dabbling
in the culinary arts, Sarge.
Up to my elbows in flour, I was.
Here, I'll bring you in a slice
tomorrow night, if you like.
I-I wouldn't do that
if I were you, Sarge.
I'd only throw it away.
What about you, Ding-Dong?
What did you do today?
Look, I didn't do nothing, right.
Just leave me alone,
I didn't do nothing.
I was only asking.
Look, we don't want to read
and stuff.
Let's have a game of bingo.
Eh?
I don't wanna play bingo.
Well, darts then?
I don't feel like a game of darts.
I don't wanna play darts either.
Well...
I know, I know, right,
I know a good game, right.
Let's turn off all the lights,
right?
And pretend it's dark, right?
So it is really dark and then
we can pretend we're blind.
And then, and then,
I know, right, I know.
We can set fire to a newspaper,
that'd be a good idea.
I don't want to play anything.
What is the matter with you today?
There's nothing, nothing.
Nothing is the matter with me.
Good God, anybody'd think
you raped a horse or something.
Yeah, yeah, not... Bastard!
SARGE LAUGHING
Ah, you didn't honestly think
you could get away with a thing
like that, did you, Mr Bell?
Hey, did you see yourself
on the news, eh?
Coming into court
with that blanket over your head.
Honest to God, you had me and
the wife in stitches, so we are.
And when they interviewed that
bloke from the jockey club
who said they ought to bring back
the death penalty.
He didn't half get carried away,
eh, did he?
Dangling that noose
in front of the camera.
# A four-legged friend,
a four-legged friend #
Look, I do not want
to talk about it.
Ding-Dong, we can hardly forget
about this, can we?
This is very important.
What happens when Horse
of the Year show is on the telly?
They'll always be reminders,
Ding-Dong.
That's right, and what happens
when they do reruns
of Black Beauty, eh?
Look, I have some kind of
breakdown or something.
I don't know why I did it.
But, look, you know,
it was a couple of months ago.
I was just going home
across this field,
I was taking a shortcut,
and then...
I saw it.
And I...
What, love at first sight, was it?
Carter, I wouldn't continue making
remarks like that, if I was you.
If you continue
to make remarks like that
I will be forced to jump up
and down on your neck
for a very long period of time.
How did they catch you, lad?
Well, you know,
when I was doing it...
there was like, erm,
these two old ladies came by
on a nature ramble.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
I tried to distract them, honest.
I said, "Look, there's
a cabbage white butterfly."
You got away with a fine and
a suspended sentence though, eh?
Yeah, but they want me
to see a psychiatrist.
They want to find out
why I did it.
A psychiatrist. Oh, you lucky sod.
Oh, I've always wanted a go
at being analysed.
Ha! If you ask me,
these trick cyclists
enjoy upsetting people.
Asking, probing questions.
Messing about inside our heads.
They'd probably turn him
into a gibbering eejit.
Still, don't let me
put you off, lad.
Look, he'll be here
in half an hour. Here?
What? Why's he coming here?
Look, they say, look,
they want to analyse me
in a work environment.
Look, when he's asking questions
you'll make yourself scarce?
Now, we're not
completely without feelings.
Ding-Dong, you don't half
come out with some...
Do you honestly think
that we are gonna sit here
and watch you go through
the emotional turmoil
of being analysed. I mean, please.
Grant us some sensitivity.
Look, I don't know.
I really don't know.
But there must have been
some reason why
you carried on wetting the bed
to such an advanced age.
Look, I thought you said
you weren't gonna be here?
I lied.
Have I missed anything?
He's still going on about
when he used to wet himself.
If we may continue.
I'd really like you to try
and tell me why you carried on
wetting the bed to the age of 25.
I've got a big... I've got
a big bladder, haven't I?
I see.
Have you ever masturbated
on the upper deck
of a number seven bus?
What number?
Seven.
Seven? Oh, no, no,
I've not done that, no.
That's not what you told me.
You shut your face, Carter.
Tell him, Mr Benson.
Mr Bell, do you have many friends?
Some, you know.
I used to nod to this bloke
when I was out walking the dog.
Haven't seen him
for a couple of years though.
D'you have many friends at school?
Why was that?
WHISPERS
What?
What's he saying,
I can't hear him.
Me ears, I used to have trouble
with me ears.
They used to run.
None of the other kids wanted
to sit next to me at school.
I'm not surprised.
Now, look, if we may turn
to your more recent troubles.
No, look, I don't want
to talk about this any more.
I've had enough.
I'm afraid you must, Mr Bell.
One of the conditions of the court
is that you submit
to psychoanalysis.
Now, if you refuse
to cooperate with me,
you'll be in breach of that order
and you could face
possible imprisonment.
All right, well,
can I just use one-word answers?
If it makes it easier for you, yes.
Did you feel
an overpowering sexual attraction
to the horse.
Sausage.
Ahh!
It's what he said, didn't he?
Well, there's nothing for it,
I'm gonna have to hypnotise you.
Oh, no, no. You're not going to--
You're tired, very tired.
Sleepy, very sleepy, you're asleep.
ETHEREAL MUSIC
I say, that was quick.
It's only practice, you know.
Actually, I entered for the all
England championships last year.
Came second.
Really?
Wow. That's amazing.
Is he, is he hypnotised then?
Mr Bell, can you hear me?
Yes, I hear you.
Oh, this is great.
Get him to do a striptease
or sing something.
That's a very insensitive remark,
if I say so.
This is not some floor show,
not a cheap trick.
The point of hypnosis
is to help me ascertain
the state of Mr Bell's mind.
Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry, Mr Benson.
WHISPERING
I was just checking to see
if his ears weren't running.
Mr Bell,
we were talking about your friends.
No friends.
D'you have anybody to confine in?
Carter.
Talk to Carter sometimes.
Tell him about
when I took the dog to the vet
and me do-it-yourself and stuff.
Honestly, the conversations
quite riveting at times.
Do you like Mr Carter?
No, I...
He's all right, sometimes.
D'you think he's a handsome man?
OK, not bad looking.
Nice legs.
Attractive.
Would you say he's attractive?
Mr Bell, I would like you to point
to the photograph of Mr Carter.
Here, what is all this?
Point to the photograph
of Mr Cater.
Point to Mr Carter.
Holy smoke.
Wake up.
MYSTICAL CLANGING
Oh, what happened then?
Well, Mr Bell--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Yeah?
Wasn't me, I was just
checking his ears.
What?
So, what's your diagnosis then?
Well, this is very interesting,
you see, Mr Bell--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
He is suffering from
a psycho-sexual illness.
Now when he committed the act
with a horse,
he was playing out a fantasy.
Sublimating the desire
felt deep in his own psyche.
What are you talking about?
The horse was a substitute
for Mr Carter.
What, he thinks
I'm a bloody horse?
No, no, no.
So, Mr Bell is--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Mr Bell is in love--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
It's not love, no,
he just wants to have sex with him.
He what?
Well, you heard what he said,
it's buried deep within me thingy,
you know.
Well, then, I must be off.
Off? What'd you mean off?
Off? You gotta cure him first.
I'm afraid my brief was simply
to discover why Mr Bell--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Why he acted the way he did.
Now, of course,
if you want a solution
it's not too difficult to find.
And what would that solution be,
Mr Benson?
Mr Bell simply has--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
He simply has to act out
his fantasy with Mr Carter.
Oh, right.
What, have sex with me?
Get off!
Come on, it'll only take ten
minutes, I'll be ever so quick.
No! Get off!
I just have to get it
out of me system.
Nah, well, find yourself
another horse then.
I don't want another horse.
I want you.
Oh, God.
Until I've done it I won't be
able to get back to normal.
Normal? You've never been normal.
Come on now, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Perhaps it's this place, we should
get out, go somewhere else.
I could pack a picnic hamper,
we could go swimming.
No, I haven't got a swimsuit.
We don't need swimsuits.
What need have we of swimsuits?
We could adorn ourselves
with nuts and berries.
Bell.
# I've got a lovely
bunch of coconuts! #
I could weave some ivy
into your hair.
Nah, it wouldn't look nice
in my hair.
I'm not talking about
your hair up there.
Stop this. I'm not in the mood!
I've got a headache.
Sarge, stop it!
Stop him, Sarge, for God sake!
Sarge, Sarge, please, Dad!
Dad?
Dad?
How long have you had
a secret desire
for the Sarge
to be your real father?
Holy smoke.
ERRIE MUSIC
Headlights.
Headlights coming towards me.
Can't move.
Trapped.
Headlights coming towards me
and...
Bright, blinding headlights.
Well, I think we're about ready
to start now, Mr Carter.
You're tired, very tired.
Sleepy, very sleepy, you're asleep.
There, he's gone.
Here, get him
to take his trousers off.
Now, now, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Well, he'd of done it to me
if he'd of thought of it.
I want you to tell me
about your ninth birthday.
What do you want to know that for?
I thought it was Mr Bell--
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
...who needed to be cured.
But the fact that he has a secret
desire for you to be his father
might have a bearing on Mr..
on his case.
You mean that Mr...
Mr Bell is attracted
to Mr Carter
because Mr Carter wants me
to be his father?
Absolutely.
We must follow the chain,
find the root cause.
If we can affect a cure there
then everybody else in the chain
will be cured.
Right.
Tell me about your ninth birthday.
Birthday.
Balloons.
Cake.
And were there lots of children?
No.
No, no children.
And presents?
No.
Top dog. No, he's upset, no.
Please, please, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Sorry.
You mean, you didn't get
the presents you wanted?
No, no train set.
Wanted train set.
Went looking for train set.
Upstairs.
Mummy and Daddy's bedroom.
Mummy and Daddy were they doing
something on the bed?
Was Daddy hurting Mummy,
making her moan?
Did you leap onto Daddy's back
screaming,
"Stop it, Daddy, stop it!"
Did you Mr Carter, did you?
No.
I... I want my train set.
I just wanted a train set
that's all, I...
I went in the bathroom
and Daddy there...
Only not Daddy.
Not look like Daddy.
Daddy wear dress.
Pink dress.
And I said...
it didn't, you know, suit him,
it's the wrong colour.
He said I should forget about it.
He offered me two and six.
I said five shillings
and he said OK.
And then I forgot about it.
Forgot.
I forgot.
Forgot.
Forgot.
Oh, hang about.
Behave yourself, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
Sit down.
ETHEREAL RING
Wake up.
What?
Here, what is this? What happened?
What's going on? What, eh?
Did I come out with
some dark secret
locked deep within
my subconscious then?
TOGETHER: No, no.
So.
Your father used to wear
a pink dress.
My God, I forgot about that.
This your fault.
If you hadn't raped that horse
and found out you wanted
to have sex with me,
I'd of never realised I wanted
Sarge as a father figure
because my dad wore a pink dress.
Mr Carter.
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
DING-DONG LAUGHING
What you laughing at, Bell?
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
I'm not laughing at
anything, Carter.
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
well, what is this problem?
So my dad wore a pink dress,
what's that got to do
with anything?
I mean, I'm all right.
I'm normal, aren't I, Dad...
Sarge, Sarge.
Mr Carter-- # Strangers in
the night exchanging glances #
Don't you see?
What?
You'll never be free
till you confront your demons.
Since that day when you first
realised your father wore a dress
you've been seeking a replacement.
A replacement which you found
in the Sarge.
Now you've built the Sarge
into some superhuman figure.
Oh, now, I wouldn't go that far.
Until you accept that the Sarge
is not your real father,
until you relive the moment
when you saw your father
wearing a dress,
you will never be able
to live a normal life.
Yeah, but my dad's dead.
Who am I gonna get
to dress up as a woman?
Now, look, Mr Carter--
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
Yes, Sarge, you're gonna look
lovely in a Jean Muir.
Or a Jean Paul Gaultier
or something black.
I am not wearing a dress.
Oh, come on, I'm not asking much.
Look what Bell wants me to do.
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
You will wear that dress,
won't you, Sarge?
Please, Mr Carter.
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
I knew all this psychiatry
business would lead to no good.
I mean, hypnotism, I ask ya,
it's so out of date.
Oh, really,
what you recommend then?
Well, good God man,
isn't it obvious?
We are dealing with people
with people who are shy
in their social behaviour.
Given to bouts of anxiety
and depression.
Classic examples of dysthymia.
No, no, I bet to differ.
I see classic symptoms of hysteria,
Mr Bell and Mr Carter.
BOTH SINGING
I suggest we conduct a series
of controlled experiments
to determine
the socio-economic factors
on their behavioural patterns.
You see, the root of the problem,
as I see it, Mr Benson is...
What?
How long have you had this secret
desire to be a psychiatrist?
I have never had
a secret desire to be...
Oh, yes, I have. I have.
You're so right.
Holy smoke.
Holy smoke.
Another nice idea
when planning your patio layout
is a lichen-encrusted
terracotta urn.
Planted with tubas,
strategically placed
tubs and troughs,
striped cords of vibrant colour
blending harmoniously
with muted stonewall.
Oh, for crying out loud. Please.
Wake him up.
...placed against walls.
I have to know why he has a secret
desire to be a psychiatrist.
Three hours he's been going on
about his bloomin' garden.
He doesn't know, wake him up.
All right.
ETHEREAL RING
Wake up.
Well?
Nothing, you just went on
about your garden.
Ahh.
Did I say anything about a key?
No, why, is it important?
No, it's just that I lost it,
I thought I might have said
where I put it.
All right.
One last try.
Now, you're in a darkened room.
A midget scampers
through the skylight and says,
there's a man outside called Barry
who wants to marry you.
Now, what'd you do?
I fry some kippers.
What's that remind you of?
France.
What's that remind you of?
France.
What's that remind you of?
A man riding a bicycle
up the outside lane
of a dual carriageway.
In France.
What's he got in his back pocket?
A limited edition engraving
of the Pope
kissing a stretch of tarmac.
And what's written on the sole
of the Pope's right shoe?
I love Karen.
Textbook answer.
He's completely sane.
Sane? Sane?
Wh...why does he want
to be a psychiatrist then?
I don't know.
He probably just does.
Well, I could have told you that.
So, so, is that it then?
I'm afraid so, yes.
You see, the Sarge--
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
He is the end of the chain.
So does that mean
we're all right now?
Probably, yes.
But you said
we could only be cured
if one of us
acted out our fantasy.
Did I? Ah.
And we haven't done that yet.
No, so if the Sarge--
# Oh, Danny boy,
the pipes, the pipes-- #
If he analyses somebody that means
we'll all be cured, right?
Yes, probably.
So if you'll excuse me.
Who's it gonna be, Mr Carter?
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
well, I've already been done,
haven't I, Bell?
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
So have I, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
TOGETHER: So that leaves.
No, no, I can't. Please.
Please, no.
Mr Benson, how long
have you had a morbid fear
of being psychoanalysed?
SOMBRE MUSIC
You're tired, very tired.
You're sleepy, very sleepy,
you're...
You're very sleepy.
Oh, give it here, man.
You're tired, very tired.
Sleepy, very sleepy, you're asleep.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Well, come on,
get on with it, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
Where's my manual?
So, what should
I ask him, Mr Bell?
# I've got a lovely bunch
of coconuts! #
You're the one that wants
to be the psychiatrist, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
I know, but I dunno
where to begin.
I don't want to make a fool
of myself, do I, Mr Carter?
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
Well, you got
a point there, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
I can't, I can't,
I've lost my nerve.
Ahhh.
Is there anybody there?
TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
I never wanted to be
a psychiatrist.
Really?
He's psychoanalysing himself,
that's not fair.
So why did you pursue
a career in it then?
I don't know.
Oh, come on, man, of course you do.
Answer me.
I-I was forced into it.
Family tradition.
My aunty was one.
So it was never your ambition
to be a psychiatrist?
Not my real ambition, no.
Ahh. So what was
your real ambition?
-I can't say.
-Come on!
CRYING
I always wanted to...
I always wanted to...
TOGETHER: Yes?
I always wanted to teach a chicken
to play the mouth organ.
ETHEREAL GONG
I didn't say anything about
wanting to teach a chicken to play
the mouth organ, did I?
Yeah.
Uh-huh. Yes.
Oh, dear, I'm sorry,
I try to keep it a secret.
Mentioned it once at a psychiatrist
convention in Brighton
and they said I was mad.
Mad? They said you were mad?
Why, you think it's all right?
We tried that once, didn't we?
We didn't get very far.
That's because
we didn't persevere.
Look at when we tried to teach
that goat to ride the bicycle.
Because it couldn't change gear
properly, you know,
we lost heart, didn't we?
It's all in the past now.
It's too late now.
Look, where is that chicken?
Here.
It's here.
There's the mouth organ partly
concealed by a layer of straw.
No. No, no, I couldn't.
No, you've got to.
You're the end of the line.
Someone's got to
act out their fantasy.
But didn't he analyse me?
No, no, you analysed yourself.
Please, Mr Benson.
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
All right.
I'll... I'll...
I'll give it a go.
CHEERING
Right.
He's mad, eh?
CHICKEN CLUCKING
MOUTH ORGAN BLOWING TUNE
Yeah.
Oh, yes!
CHEERING
We're all cured.
You don't still fancy me, do ya?
Oh, no. I hate you again.
Oh, great, great.
And you don't think of me
as a father figure?
No, you're the same prat as usual.
Good.
Well, I must be off.
Off? Where you going?
Well, she's not the only chicken
in the world.
And think of all
the other species of birds.
The barn owl, the upland goose,
the snowy egret.
TOGETHER: Snowy egret.
Why stop at the mouth organ?
In 20 years' time
I could have a whole orchestra.
A multitude of feathered creatures
all playing a variety
of instruments.
Think of it, just think of it.
Just make sure you get
a good woodwind section,
that's the important bit,
you know.
Well, goodbye, Sarge.
# Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling #
Goodbye, Mr Benson.
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
Bye-bye, Mr Benson.
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
Goodbye, Mr Carter.
# Strangers in the night
exchanging glances #
Take care of yourself, Mr Bell.
# I've got a lovely bunch of
coconuts! # And you, Mr Benson.
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
I will!
APPLAUDING
CHICKEN SCREAMS
All right! I'll give it
to you back in a minute.
Just imagine, you never thought
that when you raped that horse
it was all because Mr Benson--
# How much is that doggy
in the window? #
...wanted to teach a chicken
to play a mouth organ.
That's right, I didn't.
And people say psychiatry
is a load of rubbish.