Nightingales (1990–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Silent Night - full transcript
It's Christmas, there's a knock on the door. It's Mary, and she's pregnant but she assures them she's not an allegory. I wonder if the Pope and Harold Pinter got home OK on that tandem?
THEME MUSIC
CHILDREN SINGING ON RADIO,
BANGING
Anybody there?
TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
I've found the Christmas tree.
Oh, that is very festive.
Well, I said we should have
ordered a new one.
It'll be all right when you hang
all the stuff on it.
Yeah, well,
there's only the one left,
all the rest were broken.
That is lovely. That is lovely.
You can hear those sleighbells,
can't you?
Christmas,
what a load of old wank.
Come on now, Mr Carter.
You didn't really think that.
Yes, I do.
It's a load of hypocrisy.
A 48-hour cease-fire
from hating each other.
While we stop to commemorate
some stupid myth.
God, it makes me so...
RADIO STOPS
Here, let's do presents.
Oh, come on, let's do presents.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Well, that's another bit of
excitement over for another year.
God, Christmas Eve.
Why do we always
have to work on Christmas Eve?
Yeah, I know, I mean,
Christmas Eve, you know, I mean,
I miss watching me kids opening
their presents in the morning.
I wanted to see their faces!
Why, what have you bought them?
Easter eggs.
Oh, I mean, they're in the shops
now, aren't they? They're cheap.
Well, mind you,
I say Easter eggs, you know.
Got a bit hungry
yesterday dinner time.
Well, when I came to wrap them
there was only half an egg left.
So what I did,
I got this big clump of cotton
wool and I died it yellow, right?
And then I made two little legs
out of matchsticks
and I painted, erm, a couple of
eyes and a mouth on it, you know,
so, you know, it looked like
a baby chicken.
And then, erm, I sellotaped it
to the other half of the egg
what was left.
And then I, you know,
wrapped it in...
Oh, no, that's right, no,
I'd run out of wrapping paper
so I rammed it down the end
of this empty Weetabix packet.
So that's what
they're getting for Christmas.
Well, there will be
some happy little faces
in the Bell household this
Christmas, won't there, Sarge?
Yeah, they like a surprise.
Yes, they're gonna get one.
And what have they bought you,
Mr Bell?
Dunno, they usually
write me a cheque.
CHILDREN SINGING ON RADIO
Ahh, there you are, lads, now.
The season of good will
to all men, eh, lads?
RADIO STOPS
You don't mean that, lads, do you?
Look, come on, we're here.
We might as well
make the best of it.
Come on, let's have our carols.
GROANS
What'd you say?
Oh, what's the point?
It's the same every year. Nobody
bothers to turn up to listen.
Yeah, look at all
the invitations we sent out.
We did not get one reply.
All those people, right.
Harold Pinter, the Pope.
You think at least
the Pope would turn up.
He could have spared two minutes
of his time, couldn't he?
I mean, God, I'd of given my right
arm to kiss the papal ring.
He's probably busy.
Busy? It's Christmas Eve
for God's sake,
what else has he got to do?
No one's gonna turn up.
Come on, lads, it's Christmas Eve.
Come on,
let's start something, eh?
Number one, right. You ready?
A one, a two, a three.
KNOCKING
It's the Pope.
It's an unexpected papal visit.
Perhaps it's Harold?
Harold? Harold Pinter?
Harold wouldn't knock like that.
That wasn't a playwright's knock.
That had the Vatican
written all over it.
Ding-Dong.
Please, I'm going to have a baby.
Is the Pope pregnant?
No.
So who was it then?
Well, just some stupid woman.
The Pope.
All right,
anybody can make a mistake.
Never mind, perhaps
Harold will turn up later.
He's probably working,
finishing a new screenplay.
Yeah, he might of gone
to a hog roast.
Yes, yes, he's gone to a hog roast
and he'll probably pop in later.
He's Jewish though.
Who?
Harold Pinter.
I mean, what's the point
of him going to a hog roast
if he doesn't eat pork?
How should I know?
It was Harold's idea.
He was the one that wanted to go.
Are we going to wait for him
or not?
No, no, let's carry on.
We can always recap
when he turns up.
A one, two, three.
TOGETHER:
# We three kings of Orient are
# One in a taxi
# One in a car
# One on a scooter
sounding his hooter
TOGETHER:
# Following yonder star, Oooh! #
There, you see, now we're
getting into the spirit of it.
Right, come on now.
Number two. One, two, three.
TOGETHER: # God rest
ye jerry mental men
# Let nothing you dismay
# On... #
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry
to put a dampener on things
but this is not
a favourite of mine.
Well, let's try another one then.
Number four, let's do that one,
that's dead good, that one.
TOGETHER: # While shepherds
wash their socks by night
# All seated round the tub
# The angel of the Lord came down
# And gave them all a scrub #
SINGING CONTINUES
I'm going to have a baby,
I need help.
Please! I'm going to have a baby!
I'm going to have a baby.
A one, two, three.
TOGETHER:
# Ding-Dong merrily on high
# In heaven the bells are ringing
# Ding-Dong verily the sky
# But now the bells are ringing #
DING-DONG SINGS HIGH-PITCHED
# La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
# La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
# La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
# Hosanna in excelsis! #
There ye are, miss. Drink this.
Plenty of sugar.
That's what you need
in your condition.
Oh, sorry, I was just looking
at your slacks.
I got them from Mothercare.
They're lovely.
Thanks.
What's your name, miss?
Mary.
Drink your coffee, get out.
Excuse me, miss.
Mr Carter,
there's no call for that.
Sarge, it's Christmas Eve, right?
We have a pregnant woman, right?
Called Mary, right?
Ring a bell?
What?
What we have here is an allegory.
What, do you mean like
the Prodigal Son?
No, no, that's a parable.
A parable is something which uses
familiar events
to, erm, express religious
and ethical situations, whereas--
Whereas an allegory is a situation
in which the apparent meaning,
the characters and events,
is used to symbolise the moral
and spiritual meanings.
I think that's what you're trying
to say, in't it, Carter?
Yeah, exactly,
yes, Ding-Dong, yes.
So, erm...
NERVOUS LAUGHTER
I know what you're thinking.
It's not an allegory.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, really?
Says who?
And you wouldn't have a husband
beginning with J, would you?
It's Carlos. His name was Carlos.
Was? You said his name was Carlos.
Dead.
Two months ago.
Well, he was...
he was doing this sponsored walk
across the Sahara Desert
and he tripped and fell
into an oasis.
Drowned.
Drowned, yeah.
Well, it happens.
There's no-one else I can turn to.
Well, why don't you go
to a hospital?
I mean, that's the proper
place for you.
No, no, I can't because I've got
this morbid fear of sheets.
Look, I can't go to hospital.
I'll have to have my baby here!
I've got money.
50 gold sovereigns.
GROANS
It's Christmas Eve, I'm pregnant.
There's no-one else I can turn to,
you're my only hope.
If I don't have my baby here,
I'll have to have it outside
in the cold, in the snow,
it might die.
Oh, please.
Please, help me.
UPLIFTING MUSIC
50 gold sovereigns, you said?
Something's starting.
Right, you did say
50 gold sovereigns, right?
Come along now, Mary.
You'll be all right.
50 gold sovereigns, you said?
Yeah.
Anybody there?
Listen, just sign that, will you?
Oh, what is it?
It's just a standard contract
saying that you will not be doing
anything of an allegoric nature.
There you come, girl.
MARY GROANS
Here you go, Mary.
Something's happening.
I can feel it.
Oh, it's her waters!
Her water's are gonna break,
that's what it'll be.
Mr Carter, Mr Bell, come out.
WATER CRASHING
You wouldn't listen, would ya?
Oh, no, you had to
stand there gawping.
God, I'm nervous.
I know.
How do you know?
What?
You said I know.
How do you know I'm nervous?
No, I meant, I'm nervous.
You're nervous?
Yeah.
Why, aren't you?
Oh, I see.
So I'm not allowed to be nervous
cos you don't want to be nervous.
No, no, I'm gonna
be nervous anyway.
Yes, and me.
God, what time is it?
Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock?
It's gonna be a long night.
COUGHS
What time is it now?
Ten past eight.
It's coming.
Eh? Eh?
It's coming.
It's coming?
Yes, it's coming.
And what would "it's coming"
be referring to, Sarge?
Not the late arrival
of a number nine bus.
He couldn't possibly be referring
to the birth of a child, could he?
I wouldn't of thought so, no.
Quite.
I'm sorry, I... I didn't realise,
I wasn't thinking.
What should I say then?
Do we have to do everything
for you? Improvise.
And try something a little less
prosaic than "it's coming".
Honestly.
Oh, right.
Like Mercury on winged feet.
TOGETHER: Better.
Like Mercury on winged feet,
I come with news of nature's
greatest miracle.
As ripen apple from bell
doth fall,
so Mary that made most fair hath,
in the ninth month
of her confinement seen fit on us,
her most bounteous gift to bestow.
TOGETHER: What?
It's coming.
Oh, right.
That's it, Mary.
Push, good girl. Nearly there.
You two should have
a look at this, you know.
No, no, no, it's all right.
You go to this, Carter.
I'd rather not if you...
No, no, go on, you have a look,
it's all right.
MARY PANTING
very nice.
No, no.
It'd be a shame to miss out.
Oh, yes, don't spoil the party.
A one, two, three.
He's always doing that,
don't worry,
there's nothing to it, is there?
I mean, I can't understand...
That's the ticket, Mary, go on.
One more push. Come on, girl.
Go on!
Oh. Ooh. Oh, well done, eh.
Well?
Is it a girl or a boy?
It's... it's...
Well? Is it a girl or a boy?
Well, I'm not sure.
FESTIVE MUSIC
Or, I suppose, I suppose...
You know, if you look
on the bright side, you know,
it's not all bad, is it?
I mean... well, it looks healthy,
doesn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, if you look
on the bright side, I mean...
if you look on the bright side
she's not gonna
have to teach it how to swim.
If you look on the bright side...
If you look on the bright side...
Oh, Christ.
What have you got there?
Oh, Mary...
Mary hasn't quite finished yet.
RADIO PLAYING HYMNS
Twins!
Mary is a very
determined young lady.
She said she's got to keep going
till she has a proper one.
A baby, that is.
I tried to reason with her
but she won't listen.
This can't be doing her any good,
can it?
I mean, poor girl.
I'm gonna put a stop to this.
You? You? What do you know
about it? You haven't got kids.
You don't even know
where to put it.
Oh, you're an expert, are you?
Huh?
A moron has three kids
and suddenly he's Dr Spock.
At least I've been there, mate.
Shut up!
RADIO STOPS
Right, that's it,
I'm gonna sort her out.
I've had enough of this.
No, I'm gonna be firm.
Hello. Only me.
Mind if I, er?
No, no, no, be my guest.
Just, er...
I was...
What's the matter?
No, it's all right,
it doesn't matter.
No, go on.
Read that.
I wrote this play, right.
I sent it off and, er,
I mean, I don't want to be
a security guard all me life.
Got plans, see. Yes, plans.
And that's what they wrote back.
"Dear, Mr Captor."
GROANS
I know, it's incredible, they
can't even spell my name right.
"Therefore we are returning
your script."
And that's it.
That's all they wrote.
People can be so insensitive,
can't they?
What's it about your play?
D'you want to read it?
Er, oh, no, no, no, I--
No, really.
I'm not one of those people
who are precious
about their scripts.
If you'd like to read it I...
Erm... Go on.
"Er, scene one, Hampton Court."
INHALES DEEPLY
"A little man..."
A little man, yeah.
"Walks up to a bigger man."
Bigger man.
Really? Well, it would be
more impressive, yeah.
"Little man, 'I hear the king
is to dine with us tonight.'"
No, actually, Mary, sorry.
"I hear the king is to dine
with us tonight."
"I hear the king--"
"No, actually, I hear the king
is to dine with tonight."
"I hear the king--"
No, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Look, look, look. D'you
think we could do this later?
All right, all right, forget it.
Forget it.
I want to read--
It doesn't matter.
It'd... God,
people can be so insensitive.
They don't give damn.
THUDDING
OMINOUS MUSIC
Well?
I can't get any sense
out of that girl at all.
Come on, you got to be firm,
I gotta be straight with her.
Oh, yeah, I used to go wrestling
all the time.
Mick McManus, Jackie Pallo,
The Masked Jackpie.
Yes, I saw them all.
Greetings, grapple fans.
Could you, could you
pass me a cloth, please?
Here, I tell you I did see,
I saw the Masked Mexican once.
Oh, yes?
Yeah, yeah.
Dead good he was, big fat bloke.
He was jumping up and down on
this bloke for ages, you know.
Mind you, I had to give up going
to wrestling after that.
Oh, why?
Well, I went out into the car park
once, get his autograph.
What the, er...?
The Masked Mexican, yeah, yeah.
And, er, he didn't have his mask
or his costume on
and he was just, er,
well, he was just, erm,
wearing these trousers
and a sky-blue leisure shirt.
I reckon I wouldn't be too far out
saying it was some sort of
towelling material.
The thing is, right?
The thing is he did not look like
the Masked Mexican.
OMINOUS MUSIC, SCREAMS
CLATTERING
Here. 'Jason and the Argonauts'.
What's this?
Good, this is.
'The Great Escape'?
What?
They're always showing that.
Firm, eh?
Straight to the point, eh?
Oh, honestly, you two,
you haven't got a clue.
Here, let me have a try.
Yeah, Sarge'll sort it out.
Yeah, yeah.
GROANS
Ah-ha, look, look!
Oh, I'm having that.
No, you're not.
You just had the fridge freezer.
Ah, ah, my turn.
I've had nothing
since the microwave.
I've swap you for the leather
Chesterfield and the Subbuteo.
No, no, the leather Chesterfield
is not the Sarge's style.
You'd prefer the matching hand
luggage, wouldn't you, Sarge?
MARY GROANING AND YELLING
You wouldn't think God would let
such a thing happen, would ya?
God? There is no God.
I keep telling you that.
God's not gonna help this.
Sarge?
Yeah.
HOLY MUSIC
What are you doing?
Sarge, get up.
Get up, you look ridiculous.
It's embarrassing.
It's Christmas.
It's time for miracles.
You tosser.
Here, I'll swap you my bike
and the telly
for your picture of those houses
in the water.
Houses in the water?
That's one of Canaletto's
views of Venice.
I'm not swapping that
for a mountain bike.
BABY CRYING
UPLIFTING MUSIC
Aw. Aw, look, a little boy.
Here, he's got your eyes.
Both of them.
What're you gonna call it, Mary?
I'm going to...
I'm going to call it...
Jesus.
Hey, you said--
Yes!
It was an allegory all along
and you fell for it.
But you signed a contract.
Look at the signature.
Harold Pinter.
You dirty rot... What's Harold
gonna say about this?
I don't care. I wanted to do
an allegory and now I've done one.
GROANING
Get back!
Where'd you get that?
Where do you think?
The Allegro.
No, the allegory. Allegory.
This allegory,
what's it all about?
Oh, come on, are you stupid?
It's all about how we've lost sight
of the real meaning of Christmas.
How every year we drown
under an ever increasing pile
of consumer goods.
Really, it's not very original,
is it?
Well, I never said it was.
But it worked like a dream though,
didn't it?
And I bet, I mean, I just bet
you had a little serious moment
between the three of you,
didn't you?
Well, didn't you?
Yeah, well, the Sarge, he...
What?
What did he do?
Well, he... he... well, what?
No, no, no! Don't tell me. He, erm,
he came out with some stupid moral,
said Christmas is a time for
children, something like that?
No, actually, he prayed.
Oh, brilliant.
Better than I could have hoped for.
Did you kneel?
Oh, right, now. You've had
your bit of fun, get out.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm going.
Where?
To see my husband.
TOGETHER: Carlos?
No, his name is Joseph.
And we came to pay our taxes.
Goodbye, suckers.
We thought she wanted help.
And all she wanted
was an allegory.
What's the world coming to?
I feel such a fool.
I know.
How'd you know I feel a fool?
No, no, I meant I feel
a fool as well.
KNOCKING
It's Harold Pinter.
It's Harold!
He's got the Pope with him!
What we gonna do?
The way I look at it,
there's only one thing we can do.
TOGETHER:
# And a partridge in a pear tree #
CLAPPING
Good night, your holiness.
Good night, Mr Pinter.
Mind how you go on that tandem.
"SILENT NIGHT" PLAYS
CHILDREN SINGING "SILENT NIGHT"
Sarge!
Look, Sarge.
It's snowing.
It's Christmas times.
For unto us a child is born.
Christmas, a time for playwrights.
A time for pontiffs.
A time for all mankind.
Christmas,
a time for carol singers.
A time for children,
a time for the old.
Christmas,
a time to forget our cares
and worries.
And rejoice at the birth
of Our Saviour.
Christmas, the season of good will
to all men.
Merry Christmas.
CHILDREN SINGING ON RADIO,
BANGING
Anybody there?
TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
I've found the Christmas tree.
Oh, that is very festive.
Well, I said we should have
ordered a new one.
It'll be all right when you hang
all the stuff on it.
Yeah, well,
there's only the one left,
all the rest were broken.
That is lovely. That is lovely.
You can hear those sleighbells,
can't you?
Christmas,
what a load of old wank.
Come on now, Mr Carter.
You didn't really think that.
Yes, I do.
It's a load of hypocrisy.
A 48-hour cease-fire
from hating each other.
While we stop to commemorate
some stupid myth.
God, it makes me so...
RADIO STOPS
Here, let's do presents.
Oh, come on, let's do presents.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Well, that's another bit of
excitement over for another year.
God, Christmas Eve.
Why do we always
have to work on Christmas Eve?
Yeah, I know, I mean,
Christmas Eve, you know, I mean,
I miss watching me kids opening
their presents in the morning.
I wanted to see their faces!
Why, what have you bought them?
Easter eggs.
Oh, I mean, they're in the shops
now, aren't they? They're cheap.
Well, mind you,
I say Easter eggs, you know.
Got a bit hungry
yesterday dinner time.
Well, when I came to wrap them
there was only half an egg left.
So what I did,
I got this big clump of cotton
wool and I died it yellow, right?
And then I made two little legs
out of matchsticks
and I painted, erm, a couple of
eyes and a mouth on it, you know,
so, you know, it looked like
a baby chicken.
And then, erm, I sellotaped it
to the other half of the egg
what was left.
And then I, you know,
wrapped it in...
Oh, no, that's right, no,
I'd run out of wrapping paper
so I rammed it down the end
of this empty Weetabix packet.
So that's what
they're getting for Christmas.
Well, there will be
some happy little faces
in the Bell household this
Christmas, won't there, Sarge?
Yeah, they like a surprise.
Yes, they're gonna get one.
And what have they bought you,
Mr Bell?
Dunno, they usually
write me a cheque.
CHILDREN SINGING ON RADIO
Ahh, there you are, lads, now.
The season of good will
to all men, eh, lads?
RADIO STOPS
You don't mean that, lads, do you?
Look, come on, we're here.
We might as well
make the best of it.
Come on, let's have our carols.
GROANS
What'd you say?
Oh, what's the point?
It's the same every year. Nobody
bothers to turn up to listen.
Yeah, look at all
the invitations we sent out.
We did not get one reply.
All those people, right.
Harold Pinter, the Pope.
You think at least
the Pope would turn up.
He could have spared two minutes
of his time, couldn't he?
I mean, God, I'd of given my right
arm to kiss the papal ring.
He's probably busy.
Busy? It's Christmas Eve
for God's sake,
what else has he got to do?
No one's gonna turn up.
Come on, lads, it's Christmas Eve.
Come on,
let's start something, eh?
Number one, right. You ready?
A one, a two, a three.
KNOCKING
It's the Pope.
It's an unexpected papal visit.
Perhaps it's Harold?
Harold? Harold Pinter?
Harold wouldn't knock like that.
That wasn't a playwright's knock.
That had the Vatican
written all over it.
Ding-Dong.
Please, I'm going to have a baby.
Is the Pope pregnant?
No.
So who was it then?
Well, just some stupid woman.
The Pope.
All right,
anybody can make a mistake.
Never mind, perhaps
Harold will turn up later.
He's probably working,
finishing a new screenplay.
Yeah, he might of gone
to a hog roast.
Yes, yes, he's gone to a hog roast
and he'll probably pop in later.
He's Jewish though.
Who?
Harold Pinter.
I mean, what's the point
of him going to a hog roast
if he doesn't eat pork?
How should I know?
It was Harold's idea.
He was the one that wanted to go.
Are we going to wait for him
or not?
No, no, let's carry on.
We can always recap
when he turns up.
A one, two, three.
TOGETHER:
# We three kings of Orient are
# One in a taxi
# One in a car
# One on a scooter
sounding his hooter
TOGETHER:
# Following yonder star, Oooh! #
There, you see, now we're
getting into the spirit of it.
Right, come on now.
Number two. One, two, three.
TOGETHER: # God rest
ye jerry mental men
# Let nothing you dismay
# On... #
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry
to put a dampener on things
but this is not
a favourite of mine.
Well, let's try another one then.
Number four, let's do that one,
that's dead good, that one.
TOGETHER: # While shepherds
wash their socks by night
# All seated round the tub
# The angel of the Lord came down
# And gave them all a scrub #
SINGING CONTINUES
I'm going to have a baby,
I need help.
Please! I'm going to have a baby!
I'm going to have a baby.
A one, two, three.
TOGETHER:
# Ding-Dong merrily on high
# In heaven the bells are ringing
# Ding-Dong verily the sky
# But now the bells are ringing #
DING-DONG SINGS HIGH-PITCHED
# La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
# La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
# La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
# Hosanna in excelsis! #
There ye are, miss. Drink this.
Plenty of sugar.
That's what you need
in your condition.
Oh, sorry, I was just looking
at your slacks.
I got them from Mothercare.
They're lovely.
Thanks.
What's your name, miss?
Mary.
Drink your coffee, get out.
Excuse me, miss.
Mr Carter,
there's no call for that.
Sarge, it's Christmas Eve, right?
We have a pregnant woman, right?
Called Mary, right?
Ring a bell?
What?
What we have here is an allegory.
What, do you mean like
the Prodigal Son?
No, no, that's a parable.
A parable is something which uses
familiar events
to, erm, express religious
and ethical situations, whereas--
Whereas an allegory is a situation
in which the apparent meaning,
the characters and events,
is used to symbolise the moral
and spiritual meanings.
I think that's what you're trying
to say, in't it, Carter?
Yeah, exactly,
yes, Ding-Dong, yes.
So, erm...
NERVOUS LAUGHTER
I know what you're thinking.
It's not an allegory.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, really?
Says who?
And you wouldn't have a husband
beginning with J, would you?
It's Carlos. His name was Carlos.
Was? You said his name was Carlos.
Dead.
Two months ago.
Well, he was...
he was doing this sponsored walk
across the Sahara Desert
and he tripped and fell
into an oasis.
Drowned.
Drowned, yeah.
Well, it happens.
There's no-one else I can turn to.
Well, why don't you go
to a hospital?
I mean, that's the proper
place for you.
No, no, I can't because I've got
this morbid fear of sheets.
Look, I can't go to hospital.
I'll have to have my baby here!
I've got money.
50 gold sovereigns.
GROANS
It's Christmas Eve, I'm pregnant.
There's no-one else I can turn to,
you're my only hope.
If I don't have my baby here,
I'll have to have it outside
in the cold, in the snow,
it might die.
Oh, please.
Please, help me.
UPLIFTING MUSIC
50 gold sovereigns, you said?
Something's starting.
Right, you did say
50 gold sovereigns, right?
Come along now, Mary.
You'll be all right.
50 gold sovereigns, you said?
Yeah.
Anybody there?
Listen, just sign that, will you?
Oh, what is it?
It's just a standard contract
saying that you will not be doing
anything of an allegoric nature.
There you come, girl.
MARY GROANS
Here you go, Mary.
Something's happening.
I can feel it.
Oh, it's her waters!
Her water's are gonna break,
that's what it'll be.
Mr Carter, Mr Bell, come out.
WATER CRASHING
You wouldn't listen, would ya?
Oh, no, you had to
stand there gawping.
God, I'm nervous.
I know.
How do you know?
What?
You said I know.
How do you know I'm nervous?
No, I meant, I'm nervous.
You're nervous?
Yeah.
Why, aren't you?
Oh, I see.
So I'm not allowed to be nervous
cos you don't want to be nervous.
No, no, I'm gonna
be nervous anyway.
Yes, and me.
God, what time is it?
Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock?
It's gonna be a long night.
COUGHS
What time is it now?
Ten past eight.
It's coming.
Eh? Eh?
It's coming.
It's coming?
Yes, it's coming.
And what would "it's coming"
be referring to, Sarge?
Not the late arrival
of a number nine bus.
He couldn't possibly be referring
to the birth of a child, could he?
I wouldn't of thought so, no.
Quite.
I'm sorry, I... I didn't realise,
I wasn't thinking.
What should I say then?
Do we have to do everything
for you? Improvise.
And try something a little less
prosaic than "it's coming".
Honestly.
Oh, right.
Like Mercury on winged feet.
TOGETHER: Better.
Like Mercury on winged feet,
I come with news of nature's
greatest miracle.
As ripen apple from bell
doth fall,
so Mary that made most fair hath,
in the ninth month
of her confinement seen fit on us,
her most bounteous gift to bestow.
TOGETHER: What?
It's coming.
Oh, right.
That's it, Mary.
Push, good girl. Nearly there.
You two should have
a look at this, you know.
No, no, no, it's all right.
You go to this, Carter.
I'd rather not if you...
No, no, go on, you have a look,
it's all right.
MARY PANTING
very nice.
No, no.
It'd be a shame to miss out.
Oh, yes, don't spoil the party.
A one, two, three.
He's always doing that,
don't worry,
there's nothing to it, is there?
I mean, I can't understand...
That's the ticket, Mary, go on.
One more push. Come on, girl.
Go on!
Oh. Ooh. Oh, well done, eh.
Well?
Is it a girl or a boy?
It's... it's...
Well? Is it a girl or a boy?
Well, I'm not sure.
FESTIVE MUSIC
Or, I suppose, I suppose...
You know, if you look
on the bright side, you know,
it's not all bad, is it?
I mean... well, it looks healthy,
doesn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, if you look
on the bright side, I mean...
if you look on the bright side
she's not gonna
have to teach it how to swim.
If you look on the bright side...
If you look on the bright side...
Oh, Christ.
What have you got there?
Oh, Mary...
Mary hasn't quite finished yet.
RADIO PLAYING HYMNS
Twins!
Mary is a very
determined young lady.
She said she's got to keep going
till she has a proper one.
A baby, that is.
I tried to reason with her
but she won't listen.
This can't be doing her any good,
can it?
I mean, poor girl.
I'm gonna put a stop to this.
You? You? What do you know
about it? You haven't got kids.
You don't even know
where to put it.
Oh, you're an expert, are you?
Huh?
A moron has three kids
and suddenly he's Dr Spock.
At least I've been there, mate.
Shut up!
RADIO STOPS
Right, that's it,
I'm gonna sort her out.
I've had enough of this.
No, I'm gonna be firm.
Hello. Only me.
Mind if I, er?
No, no, no, be my guest.
Just, er...
I was...
What's the matter?
No, it's all right,
it doesn't matter.
No, go on.
Read that.
I wrote this play, right.
I sent it off and, er,
I mean, I don't want to be
a security guard all me life.
Got plans, see. Yes, plans.
And that's what they wrote back.
"Dear, Mr Captor."
GROANS
I know, it's incredible, they
can't even spell my name right.
"Therefore we are returning
your script."
And that's it.
That's all they wrote.
People can be so insensitive,
can't they?
What's it about your play?
D'you want to read it?
Er, oh, no, no, no, I--
No, really.
I'm not one of those people
who are precious
about their scripts.
If you'd like to read it I...
Erm... Go on.
"Er, scene one, Hampton Court."
INHALES DEEPLY
"A little man..."
A little man, yeah.
"Walks up to a bigger man."
Bigger man.
Really? Well, it would be
more impressive, yeah.
"Little man, 'I hear the king
is to dine with us tonight.'"
No, actually, Mary, sorry.
"I hear the king is to dine
with us tonight."
"I hear the king--"
"No, actually, I hear the king
is to dine with tonight."
"I hear the king--"
No, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Look, look, look. D'you
think we could do this later?
All right, all right, forget it.
Forget it.
I want to read--
It doesn't matter.
It'd... God,
people can be so insensitive.
They don't give damn.
THUDDING
OMINOUS MUSIC
Well?
I can't get any sense
out of that girl at all.
Come on, you got to be firm,
I gotta be straight with her.
Oh, yeah, I used to go wrestling
all the time.
Mick McManus, Jackie Pallo,
The Masked Jackpie.
Yes, I saw them all.
Greetings, grapple fans.
Could you, could you
pass me a cloth, please?
Here, I tell you I did see,
I saw the Masked Mexican once.
Oh, yes?
Yeah, yeah.
Dead good he was, big fat bloke.
He was jumping up and down on
this bloke for ages, you know.
Mind you, I had to give up going
to wrestling after that.
Oh, why?
Well, I went out into the car park
once, get his autograph.
What the, er...?
The Masked Mexican, yeah, yeah.
And, er, he didn't have his mask
or his costume on
and he was just, er,
well, he was just, erm,
wearing these trousers
and a sky-blue leisure shirt.
I reckon I wouldn't be too far out
saying it was some sort of
towelling material.
The thing is, right?
The thing is he did not look like
the Masked Mexican.
OMINOUS MUSIC, SCREAMS
CLATTERING
Here. 'Jason and the Argonauts'.
What's this?
Good, this is.
'The Great Escape'?
What?
They're always showing that.
Firm, eh?
Straight to the point, eh?
Oh, honestly, you two,
you haven't got a clue.
Here, let me have a try.
Yeah, Sarge'll sort it out.
Yeah, yeah.
GROANS
Ah-ha, look, look!
Oh, I'm having that.
No, you're not.
You just had the fridge freezer.
Ah, ah, my turn.
I've had nothing
since the microwave.
I've swap you for the leather
Chesterfield and the Subbuteo.
No, no, the leather Chesterfield
is not the Sarge's style.
You'd prefer the matching hand
luggage, wouldn't you, Sarge?
MARY GROANING AND YELLING
You wouldn't think God would let
such a thing happen, would ya?
God? There is no God.
I keep telling you that.
God's not gonna help this.
Sarge?
Yeah.
HOLY MUSIC
What are you doing?
Sarge, get up.
Get up, you look ridiculous.
It's embarrassing.
It's Christmas.
It's time for miracles.
You tosser.
Here, I'll swap you my bike
and the telly
for your picture of those houses
in the water.
Houses in the water?
That's one of Canaletto's
views of Venice.
I'm not swapping that
for a mountain bike.
BABY CRYING
UPLIFTING MUSIC
Aw. Aw, look, a little boy.
Here, he's got your eyes.
Both of them.
What're you gonna call it, Mary?
I'm going to...
I'm going to call it...
Jesus.
Hey, you said--
Yes!
It was an allegory all along
and you fell for it.
But you signed a contract.
Look at the signature.
Harold Pinter.
You dirty rot... What's Harold
gonna say about this?
I don't care. I wanted to do
an allegory and now I've done one.
GROANING
Get back!
Where'd you get that?
Where do you think?
The Allegro.
No, the allegory. Allegory.
This allegory,
what's it all about?
Oh, come on, are you stupid?
It's all about how we've lost sight
of the real meaning of Christmas.
How every year we drown
under an ever increasing pile
of consumer goods.
Really, it's not very original,
is it?
Well, I never said it was.
But it worked like a dream though,
didn't it?
And I bet, I mean, I just bet
you had a little serious moment
between the three of you,
didn't you?
Well, didn't you?
Yeah, well, the Sarge, he...
What?
What did he do?
Well, he... he... well, what?
No, no, no! Don't tell me. He, erm,
he came out with some stupid moral,
said Christmas is a time for
children, something like that?
No, actually, he prayed.
Oh, brilliant.
Better than I could have hoped for.
Did you kneel?
Oh, right, now. You've had
your bit of fun, get out.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm going.
Where?
To see my husband.
TOGETHER: Carlos?
No, his name is Joseph.
And we came to pay our taxes.
Goodbye, suckers.
We thought she wanted help.
And all she wanted
was an allegory.
What's the world coming to?
I feel such a fool.
I know.
How'd you know I feel a fool?
No, no, I meant I feel
a fool as well.
KNOCKING
It's Harold Pinter.
It's Harold!
He's got the Pope with him!
What we gonna do?
The way I look at it,
there's only one thing we can do.
TOGETHER:
# And a partridge in a pear tree #
CLAPPING
Good night, your holiness.
Good night, Mr Pinter.
Mind how you go on that tandem.
"SILENT NIGHT" PLAYS
CHILDREN SINGING "SILENT NIGHT"
Sarge!
Look, Sarge.
It's snowing.
It's Christmas times.
For unto us a child is born.
Christmas, a time for playwrights.
A time for pontiffs.
A time for all mankind.
Christmas,
a time for carol singers.
A time for children,
a time for the old.
Christmas,
a time to forget our cares
and worries.
And rejoice at the birth
of Our Saviour.
Christmas, the season of good will
to all men.
Merry Christmas.