Nightingales (1990–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Terence in the Midst - full transcript

THEME MUSIC

Got you there.

What time's he coming, Sarge?

Sarge?

This new bloke,
what time's he coming?

Eight.
Eight?

How come he starts at eight
and we're on at seven?

Well, it's his first night,
isn't it?

He didn't finish work at his old
place till seven this morning,

you've got to give him time
to sort himself out.

Here! Let's take
his trousers down.



When he comes in
we'll switch off the lights,

take his trousers down and stick
his head under the cold tap, eh?

Why?

Because he's the new boy, dummy.

Oh, of course, the new boy.
The new boy. Let me see,

that means we have to
make him indulge

in some demeaning or humiliating
initiation ceremony.

Usually incorporating exposure
of said victims genitalia

in an act,
which by its very nature,

could imply latent
homosexual tendencies

in the perpetrators
of the outrage.

Is that right then, eh?

Would you not say
that's an accurate description

of the situation, eh, Ding-Dong?



Well, you're the poof round here,
mate.

You're the one who reads poetry.
Leave that book alone.

Bell, I'm warning you. Bell.

"Woman sitting on bended knee,

selling johnnies
for one and three.

Some are sixpence, some are a bob.
It all depends on the size of--"

It doesn't say that.

Just leave this book alone.
I borrowed this book.

Oh, you borrowed it, eh?
What, from some other poof?

"Oh, Cecil, I really like
that poetry book you lent me.

Shall we go and pick
some wild flowers now?"

Nah. Raining like mad out there.

Non-stop.

Non-stop nocturnal precipitation.

It's pissing down.
He's gonna get soaked.

Here!

Let's have a game of ping-pong!

We always used to play ping-pong,
remember?

We used to go in that boardroom,
string a net across that big table

and play ping-pong. What about
a game of ping-pong, eh, Carter?

No, I do not wish to do that.

Why not? I was dead good
at ping-pong, I was.

I used to get dead hot and sweaty,
me uniform used to get soaked

by the end of the night,
it was great, it was.

Oh, yeah, it sounds lovely.
Sounds really masculine.

Yeah, it was.

I used to sleep great
when we played ping-pong.

Didn't dream of nothing.

Used to go home, get into bed.
And fiddle with yourself.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

I'll fiddle with you in a minute.

Lads, lads.

"Lads, lads."
Would you stop saying that?

"Lads!" Is that all you can say?
It drives me crazy.

And me, it drives me crazy, too.
Don't agree with me.

God, I hate this place.
Thank God I'm getting out.

What's that?
Out! O-U-T. Out.

I've applied for another job.

Oh, yeah, doing what?
Selling bog brushes.

Oh, do you know, Ding-Dong,

that's what I'm going to miss
about this place,

the witty badinage,

the diverting repartee.

Heathrow actually, Sarge.
Security.

Heathrow? They wouldn't have
a pillock like you at Heathrow.

Well, that's where you're wrong.
I applied for the job last week.

I went for an interview,
went very well.

No, and I didn't make
a prat of myself.

I should hear the results
this week sometime.

Oh, Sarge, Heathrow's
a blinding place.

It's not like here, you know,
there's always something going on.

It's full of bars and restaurants

and people of all nationalities
walking about.

Oh, you know, it's great.

Well, I hope you get it, son.

He won't get it,
they won't have him.

Ah, we'll see.

Ah. Got you again!

I went on a train today.

Oh, yes? Where?

There and back.

LAUGHS

Where. Where did you go?

Just up the road.

Yeah, all right, you mentioned that
in the first place.

Look, I just said
I went on a train!

All right! All right! Just forget
it.

Come and have a game of drafts.
I don't want a game of drafts!

Look, I just said
I went on a train, all right!

Well, you shouldn't
offer information

if you don't want
to solicit a response.

That's all I'm saying.

It's not too much to ask,
is it, eh?

I mean, I-I just thought you were
offering a conversational gambit.

I didn't know you were gonna
lead me up a blind alley, did I?

It's like me saying, "Oh, I had
a cheese sandwich," isn't it?

When?

What?

When did you have
a cheese sandwich?

No, no, I didn't.

I didn't have a cheese sandwich.
You know I didn't.

You just said it.
No, no... Ding-Dong!

I was just being hypothetical.

If I said to you
I had a cheese sandwich today

you'd expect me to go on
to say something else.

No.
Yes, yes, you would. You would.

You'd expect my opening gambit
to form something more interesting

or a diverting story, perhaps.

Not necessarily.
Yes, yes, you would.

You'd expect me to say,
"I had a cheese sandwich today

and, erm,

you know, one of my fillings
dropped out

and, er, I went to the dentist
to have it fixed

and guess who I bumped into?"

Who?

I don't know. Anybody.

Could be anybody.
Somebody I hadn't see for years.

That's what
you'd expect me to say.

Not necessarily.

You would!
You'd expect me to make a point!

That's what language is for,
for Christ sake.

We can't all wander round

spewing out an endless stream
of non sequiturs.

There'd be anarchy. No!

I do not want a game of drafts!

Steady on, steady on.

All I was going to say was,

when you said an endless stream
of non sequiturs,

well, that's not strictly true,
is it?

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong

but I always thought

a non sequitur was a statement
or utterance

having little or no relevance
to that which preceded it.

So? So what?

So if he says,
"I went on a train today."

That's a statement on its own.

It's not meant to relate to
or have relevance

with the statement
that preceded it.

That's all I'm saying. It's
not really a non sequitur, is it?

See? So up yours.

All right, all right. I accept.

I am sorry and my terminology
was wrong.

I'm prepared to accept that,
none of us are perfect,

but that doesn't alter the fact

that this moron here shouldn't
go shooting his mouth off

with his stupid inane comments.

That's all I'm trying to say,
Sarge.

I mean, it's offensive to me.
You understand?

Really cracked, you are.
No!

You're cracked.

Come and have a game of drafts.

SIGHS

Just make a point.

That's all I'm trying to say, OK?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I bought a jar of coffee today.

Yes? And?

And guess what happened

at the exact, precise moment
that I opened it.

What?
My cat fell over.

You're a bloody liar!
No, I'm not.

It just fell over
onto its side like that.

Meow! Amazing it was.
Talk about coincidence.

You haven't got a bloody cat!
I have!

Well, when'd you get phantom cat
from all of a sudden?

I was left it in a will.
Oh, a will? Yes?

Yes, a little old Chinese lady
said I could have it.

A Chinese lady? What was her name?

Chong! Mrs Chong!

Oh, Chong? Where did this
Chong come from then?

Canada!

Oh, a Canadian chancer!

What's her favourite colour?

Puce.
Oh, puce.

What does she do
for a living, eh, Ding-Dong?

She's the relief skipper
on a herring trawler.

FRANTIC ANGRY SOUNDS

Now, that's enough.

Stop that.

All right, it's a disgrace,
that's what it is.

Well, he started it.
No, I didn't, you did.

Grown-up men acting like children.

Well...

I hope this new bloke
bucks your ideas up a bit.

Why? He's only
the same rank as us.

Well, let's hope
he sets you a good example.

God knows you could do with it.

I mean, fighting like
great big kids.

KNOCKING
That'll be him.

KNOCKING

Why's he knocking?
Why doesn't he just come in?

Yeah, what's he looking for,
Sarge?

KNOCKING
What'd we do now then?

Yeah, what'd we do now?

Well, I suppose
we better let him in.

Well, go on, you're in charge.
Yes, all right. All right.

You ready? Right.
TOGETHER: Yeah.

COUGHS
Come in.

CONGA MUSIC

SCREAMING

GORILLA GROANS

Well, this is great this,
isn't it?

This is just great, this is.

Well, I'm none too pleased,
I can tell you that.

"None too pleased"?
It's a monkey, for God's sake!

They've sent a monkey
to do our job.

What you gonna do, Sarge?

Go on, hit it! Give it one.
Shh.

Keep your voice down.

Oi!

Excuse me. Do you mind?
That's a dead person.

GORILLA GRUNTS

That's it, Sarge,
you let him know who's boss.

Yeah, well.

You can't let them
walk all over ya.

I mean, if you're going
to work together

you've got to start
on the right foot.

What? You're not planning
on letting him stay here, are you?

Well, what else can we do?
Get rid of him.

There's people
of a certain nature, right.

You know, people who pursue
a certain occupation, right?

People who'd pay money for him,
OK.

SARGE LAUGHS

Like pet shops, you mean?

No. I'm not talking about
pet shops.

I'm-I'm talk...

WHISPERS:
I'm talking about laboratories.

What?
What?

Talk loudly.
Laboratories.

Ah, no.
Now, I draw the line at that.

Well, look, we've been pissed on
for far too long.

It's about time
we start fighting back.

Now, look, I know it's difficult,
I know that.

But just sit back take your time,
take your time

and think about it for a while,
OK?

Yeah, alright then.
How much we gonna get for him?

I think we'll be quids in. I mean,
he looks fit, don't he, right?

They like them to be fit.

So they can tell how well
their tests are going

by how ill they get, right.

With him being
fit in the first place,

they got something to measure it
by, haven't they, Sarge? Well?

Well, alright,
anything for a quiet life.

We split the money
three ways, right?

Right, we'll whip him down the
road in your van when we finish.

Hang on, he's got
a night's work to do first.

Should I ask him
to take a look around?

No, no, we don't need him,
he can stay here.

I mean, look at him,
he's worse than useless.

Ding-Dong and I
will go walk about.

Wait, you're not
leaving me alone with him.

Ha, you're be alright,
it's only a monkey for God's sa--

MONKEY ROARS

Just don't do anything
anthropoidal.

CONGA MUSIC
Now, no monkey business!

I can still handle meself,
you know.

I was in the war.

I killed a Greek shepherd.

MONKEY GRUNTS

Ah, come on, now.
The lads are right, you know.

I mean, it's nothing personal
but it's just not on.

It really is not on.

MONKEY GRUNTS

Sweet?

Oh. Oh.

SARGE LAUGHS

D'you know, I never saw that.

That's three-nil.

Would you like another one?

Anybody there?

TOGETHER: # There's nobody
here but us chickens #

Sergeant, come here.

Right, down to business.

Now, look, it's four o'clock, OK.

That gives us three hours
before we gi...

Excuse me, er...

Excuse me, this is
a private conversation.

Do you mind? Go away.

Oi, go away.

Oi, you heard him. Bog off.

Now, look, we're gonna need some
rope in case he's gets shirty.

I'll get my van.

And pull up at the back,
by the dustbins.

Pull up by the dustbins.
Sarge will distract him.

Sarge'll distract him.
No, I won't.

What?
Count me out.

If you're gonna do it,
do it on your own.

Do your own dirty work.

Well, we don't need you anyway,

this is young man's work,
we don't need you.

No, more money for us.
More money for us.

I'll get my van.
No, I'll get my van.

I'll get my van.
I'll sit in the front.

I'll sit in the front.
No, I'll sit in the front.

That's what I said,
I'll sit in the front.

Look, let's go back a minute.

I'll sit in my van...
no, no, wait a minute.

Where am I going to sit?
I mean, it's my van,

I'm paying for the petrol.

No, no, I'm paying for the petrol.

I'm sitting in the front.
But it's my van!

I come here every week in my van.

Come on then, don't hang about.

We haven't got all flaming night,
you know. Stop it. Stop it.

DING-DONG SIGHS

What a job.

Go on, have a look round yourself.

I'm fed up of being
your stupid nursemaid.

UPBEAT MUSIC

MONKEY GROANS

Look, it's not me, mate,
you know, it's the others.

I mean, if I had my way
you could stick around for a bit.

Maybe.

Here.

Come on.

MONKEY ROARS

PING-PONG BALL BOUNCING

One-love.

Look, Sarge.

We've got to get rid of him.
I mean, it's for the best.

Look, Mr Darwin, I'm talking
about our dignity here.

Do you understand?

I bet Ding-Dong
hasn't been taken in.

Anybody there.

TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #

Well, here we are
the dynamic duo again.

Right, all set?

What?
The van.

It's secure, is it? We don't want
him doing a runner, do we?

Oh, yeah, yeah, the van, yeah,
it's alright.

I've got the rope,
better to be safe than sorry.

Carter, do we have to...

Oh, no.

No, not you as well, Ding-Dong.

What's the matter with you two?

I thought I was supposed
to be the soft one.

Well, you haven't
given him a chance,

he's alright
when you get to know him.

Look, Ding-Dong.

We made a deal
and that's the end of it.

I'm gonna take a look around.

I don't like the air in here.

Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll join ya.

Sit.

Bleeding hearts.

CONGA MUSIC
What gets me is your cheek.

You think you can muscle in here,
don't you?

Well, let me tell you, sonny pal,
you are on a way out.

Yeah, you are on
a one way street, son.

Oi, oi, who said
you could sit down?

Eh? Who said you could sit down?

I mean, how dare you think you
could possibly fit in here, eh?

You know, we're a team.

We work like clockwork.
I mean, just look at you.

We got nothing in common,
you know, absolutely nothing.

There is a world of a difference
between mankind and monkeydom.

See what I'm getting at?

You and I, pal,
have got nothing in common, OK.

Absolutely nothing.

Ah, that's really funny that.

Ha-ha,
that's a really good joke there.

MONKEY LAUGHS

Anthropoidal humour, I suppose.

Listen,
I don't have to take this, pal.

No, cos I'm out as well.

I got a new job,
Heathrow, security.

LAUGHS
No monkeys there.

I'm telling you, you're not gonna
win me over like the other two.

What's that? Excuse me.

GASPS

'A Shropshire Lad'.

'Collected poems
of A.E. Houseman.'

Oh, I love this book.

I've treasured this book,
I've read this book.

It's seen me through
some really bad times this book.

Are you reading this book then?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you've marked it.
Ahh.

Ah, I can't tell you
what this means to me.

I mean, to meet someone
who's on the same wavelength.

You know it's...

I've been going round
the bend here.

I mean, there's the Sarge,
you know, he's OK

but he's more of your pipe
and slippers brigade,

you know, stuck in his ways.

And as for Ding-Dong...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got his number.

Yeah.

You know, this is great,
this is marvellous.

I feel like we've really
connected now, you know,

I just feel like
I know who you are.

I'm sorry,
what do I call you again?

Barry? We can't call him Barry,
can we?

Barry's no good.

Norman!
Terence.

Terence.

Terence, yeah!

Terence it is then.
Now, what about a surname?

Brown.
Pritchard.

Neville. Bushy. Sanders.

Reed! Reed.
Nah, no, no, he's not a Reed.

No, he's...What?

Oblong.

What?
What?

Oblong, Oblong.
Let's call him Terrence Oblong.

Wh-why Oblong?

I've always liked that name.

Terry Oblong.
Oblong.

Terry Oblong it is then! Yeah!
Yes!

Now, let's have a party

to celebrate Terry Oblong
starting work here, eh?

What a minute,
we haven't got any balloons.

No, no, you bring
the balloons tomorrow.

I'll bring a record player
and some beers and sandwiches.

Sarge, it'll be great.

You know, I reckon he could be the
best thing that's happened to us.

Sorry I'm late, Sarge.

Just as I was leaving the landlady
cornered me about the rent.

Oh, I've been up all day
sorting through these

and wondering what sort of music
Terry would like,

you know, jazz, pop, classical.

I mean, it's really
difficult to know, innit?

And then, I found it.

I mean, the perfect record
for Terry.

'Excerpts from A Teenage Opera'
by Keith West, remember it?

# Grocer Jack, grocer Jack

# Is it true what mummy said

# You won't come back, oooh #

Where-where's Terry then?

Terry, Terry! Where's Terry?

He's gone, lad.

Gone? What'd you mean he's go...

What have you done with him?
I haven't done anything with him.

They phoned up ten minutes ago
to say he wouldn't be in.

He's got another job.

Another job? Why? Where?

Heathrow.

Well, good luck to the bloke.

Christ, no, good luck to him,
I mean...

You know, he got on, didn't he?
You know, one of us got on.

It's hard enough, innit?

With all the obstacles
people put in your path.

You can't put the guy down
for getting on, can you?

No, no, best man won and all that.

Good old Terry.

So what do we do now then?

Well, we keep on, keeping on,
I suppose.

I suppose that's what we do,
eh, Sarge? Keep on, keeping on.

Best course of action, I'd say.

Ah, come on now, lads.

Don't let's get downhearted.

Let's make the best of things.

I mean, we've got all this food,
balloons, records.

What's say
we make a night of it, eh?

How about a game of drafts?

I don't want a game of drafts.

Ping-pong, let's have
a game of ping-pong.

I don't wanna play ping-pong.

KNOCKING

Anybody there?

TOGETHER: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #

That'll be Terry's replacement.

Oh, no, not another new boy.
Can I stand the excitement?

Come in, come in, whoever you are.