Nightingales (1990–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Scrutiny of the Bounty - full transcript
They're under suspicion, and under surveillance.
THEME MUSIC
That's an African flute.
Listen.
That's an African flute,
that is.
It's nothing.
No, listen. I'm telling you,
that's an African flute.
That is coming all the way
from Africa, that is.
There's a bloke in a hut
playing that.
ROCK MUSIC
BELL PANTS
RADIO STATIC Bagpipes.
That's bagpipes, that is.
Hey, Scotch radio, ha ha!
What about that, Mr Carter, eh?
Scotch radio.
BELL GROANS
Where the bloody hell
have you been?
Jogging.
God, what am I doing here?
You're supposed to be
doing a job!
You know... A job!
As opposed to destroying other
people's private property
and belongings.
Call this a job, do you?
I call it a penance.
You know your trouble?
What?
God, that's better. Sweaty.
You know your trouble, Carter?
You think you're better than us.
Well, of course I think
I'm better than you.
For God's sake, grew up
with some pride.
Alright, lad, maybe
you are better.
But there's a little word,
gone out of fashion these days,
but a little word you might
care to ponder.
Humility.
Yeah, that means you're a prat.
Humility. I know what humility
is all right.
I've been practising it for
the best part of 40 years.
Where's it got me? Stuck here,
12 hours a night with you two.
And for what? This pittance.
Oh, come on, lad,
there's no need to take on so.
Come on!
Don't spoil the party.
What's the matter with you today?
Here, have a gipsy cream.
I don't want a gipsy cream!
Here, Carter, look.
Just had some photos
done of the house,
just had it done out,
want to have a look?
Alright, suit yourself,
I'll show the Sarge.
Here, Sarge, look...
I've had stone cladding.
I hate stone cladding.
It's not your house, is it,
Mr Cleverdick? It's mine.
I bought it off the council, I can
do what I like with it, thank you.
I can't see any stone cladding.
Well, you won't,
that's the outside,
I've had it done
on the inside of the house.
You get the benefit then,
don't you?
If it's on the outside of the
house, you never see it, do you?
Oh, come on, now,
he's got a point.
He's never had a point!
He's not capable
of having a point!
Brilliant, it is, I've knocked all
the walls through
so it looks like a great big cave,
the full monty.
Gonna brick up all the windows
next week.
Oh, how very, very
'Homes and Gardens'.
Hey, hey, hey.
Least I've got me own property.
You know, as opposed to someone
living in "rented accommodation".
As opposed
to someone living in some
filthy rented bug hutch somewhere.
Listen, my flat--
You what?
Your flat?
What, it's grown, has it?
Your room decided to expand,
did it?
It's a big room.
It's almost a flat.
If I put a wall across half of it,
it would be a flat.
Have you got any fitted units?
Yes, yes.
I've got a bookcase affair
with some house bricks and wooden
planks across it.
Oh, very 'Homes and Garden'.
Where do you keep the Vim?
Under the sink!
I've got to get out of here.
There must be something else
I can do, this can't be it.
I know why you're in a bad mood.
Why's that then?
He's been for another job
and he didn't get it.
Oh, diddums, didn't he get his
lickle job then?
Eh?
Ding-Dong, don't do that, please.
Ding-Dong, don't do that.
Didn't get his little job.
Didn't get his ickle, ickle--
Oh dear.
What job was this then?
The police.
Police? Did you have an interview?
Well, I had an interview.
I was supposed to have
an interview.
They sent me to the wrong place,
didn't they?
I mean, this is the upholders
of law and order
we're supposed to be
talking about.
What do they do? They send me
to the wrong place, didn't they?
KICKS BELL, BELL GROANS
I mean, they said Hall 3, right?
They categorically said I should
be in Hall 3 at half four.
So, I get to Hall 3
at quarter past four.
Be early, I thought,
show willing, I thought.
What do I find in Hall 3?
Do I find the police?
No, I do not.
What do I find, eh?
I find a bunch of ballet dancers
rehearsing the clog dance
from La Fille Mal Gardee,
that's what I bloody find.
So, I'm sitting there, right,
and I'm feeling pressurised,
right,
cos I'm the only one not wearing
tights, right?
So, I just manage to borrow this
leotard off someone
when this WPC wanders in
and, nonchalantly,
she looks over to me
and she said I should have been
in Hall 4 at half three
and that she was very sorry
and all that
but the interview panel had gone
home and that was it
till next year,
thank you very much.
So, that's it, then, isn't it?
I'm stuck in here with you
and the world's worst
interior decorator.
Come on now.
It's not the end of the world.
I mean, come to think of it,
we're sort of doing the same job
as the police, really.
Upholding law and order and that.
It's not the same, is it?
We don't have any radios, do we?
Hey?
Besides that,
nothing ever happens, does it?
Nothing ever happens!
Hey, that's it then.
That means we're doing our job,
if nothing happens!
Yeah, yeah.
Where you going?
I'm going upstairs to fiddle with
that computer on the 4th floor.
I've been trying to get
it to spell my name.
Gipsy cream?
Thank you.
Anybody there?
I'm not late. It's that clock.
It's slow.
CAMERA CLICKING
What's this then?
What's this then, Sarge?
Something's happened.
What d'you mean, something's
happened? What does that mean?
Something's happened?
Sarge? Sarge?
Oi.
Why don't you bang a drum?
What drum? I haven't got a drum.
Who said I was supposed
to bring a drum?
I didn't know we were supposed
to bring a drum.
Hey?
Keep the noise down.
Oh, I see. Sarcasm.
You're being sarcastic.
You didn't mean an actual drum,
you were just inferring that
I was making a lot of noise
and that I might as well
be beating or banging a drum.
How do you do?
DC Martin.
Oh!
Oh!
Detective Constable,
oh, it's marvellous.
Oh, it's just what we needed
round here.
Oh, this is great.
I can't tell you what all this
means to me.
CAMERA CLICKS
Oi!
Sorry. What's all this about then?
BELL COUGHS
Oh, ignore him,
he's just an idiot.
Oi, do you want me to separate
you from your breath?
Oh, go bang a drum.
Eh? D'you get it?
What's all this for then, eh?
You got clearance, didn't you?
Yeah, we, erm--
We might have.
Who said we haven't?
What's clearance?
Beck 3 to base, over.
Angela,
they haven't had clearance up here.
Drag old George outta the canteen
and get him to see to it, will you?
He's with you now? Put him on.
Hello, George?
Yeah, yeah, I know
you're an inspector, George,
what's that
got to do with anything?
Here, what were you doing
round the back of the fire station
at four o'clock this morning?
Yeah, I've got my sources.
I've heard about having somebody
in the back of a squad car, George,
but that was ridiculous.
CARTER LAUGHS
George?
What do you mean,
he's gone off in a huff?
Course he hasn't.
Me and George go back 20 years.
We started on the beat together.
Here, was he really blushing
Angela, eh?
Here, was he bright red, eh?
Just get that clearance,
will you? Over.
What, really blushing, was he, eh?
Don't you think you'd better
be getting along?
You've been relocated
to somewhere else in the building.
Good idea, good idea.
Too many cooks and all that.
Go on, you better run along,
go on.
What about you?
He didn't mean me. He's going
to need some help, isn't he?
I could've been where you are now,
you know,
if it hadn't been
for that ballet lesson.
Excuse me.
But if you think
we're moving out of here,
you're very much mistaken.
Excuse me,
but if you think
we're moving out of here,
you are very much mistaken.
Brilliant.
Go and bang a drum.
Oh, look. It's Sherlock Holmes.
How's it going, then, inspector?
What's happened?
He chucked me out, didn't he?
Said I was getting in his way.
All I wanted, right,
all I wanted
was to find whether my interview
was in Hall 3 at half four
or Hall 4 at half three.
And I was
just having a look at his camera,
and I asked him very nicely
if he wouldn't mind taking
my photograph for my passport,
and he blew his top.
What's he doing here, though?
Oh, well.
It's dead exciting.
What it is, you see, there's
a tower block over the way,
and the blokes who guard
it at night--
What, security blokes, like us,
you mean?
Yeah, the security guards,
the blokes who guard it at night,
they're planning to rob the safe.
Yeah.
And DC Martin, he's keeping them
under surveillance,
and when they make their move,
he's gonna nab them.
On his own, tonight?
No, no, no.
God, you know nothing
about police procedure.
There's hundreds of them
hiding all over the place
in buildings and pillar boxes
and, you know, stuff like that.
Anyway, he's going to watch them
for as long as it takes,
and when they make their move
for that safe,
pow!
Got to admire them, haven't you?
The police?
No, not the police, the blokes
who are doing the robbery.
Funny to think they're security
guards like us, though, isn't it?
Look, I had a shufty at his
notes, see?
And I jotted a few things down.
And he got all twisted
about that as well.
Right, I've got
the descriptions here.
There's three of them.
That's like us three, eh?
There's the Sarge, he's about 60.
Sounds like you.
There's this bloke called Dell.
Dell, that's funny.
That's like your name.
That's very like Bell, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, who else, Carter?
There's a bloke called Carver.
Carver?
Here, that's like your name.
That's like... Carter.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is, isn't it, eh?
Three security guards
the Sarge, Dell and Carver.
ALL LAUGH
The Sarge, Dell, Carver!
It's us.
It's us he's talking about.
No, no, no, it can't be us.
It can't be us. If it's us,
why is he watching another
building?
Because they've got that bit
wrong, haven't they?
It's like with the names.
Who's been dropping us in it,
then?
Who's been telling lies?
Robbing a safe. They put you away
for that, don't they?
We could go down for
20 years for that.
Hold it. What?
Hold it. What?
What?
We're not going to rob a safe,
are we?
So, what are we worried about?
Blimey, some cretin rings up
the bill and gives them our names.
But it was a bad line,
that's why they got the names
and addresses wrong.
They couldn't even get that bit
right, could they?
Some idiot rings up the old bill,
gives them our names,
and says we're going
to rob a safe.
I mean, it might have occurred
to him that we weren't.
Mind you, it wouldn't take much,
would it?
Eh?
To rob that safe.
I mean, I've even got a key.
How much do they keep in there
then?
I don't know, I've never looked.
Must be quite a bit though,
otherwise you wouldn't need
to keep it in a safe.
No, it stands to reason
if you're gonna keep the safe,
you've got to have a pretty
substantial
amount of money in it.
Yeah.
Shall we then?
Shall we what?
Rob the safe.
Go on, might as well.
DC MARTIN GRUNTS
Angela, is George there?
Oh, put him on, will you?
Hello, George, mate.
How's it going?
Oh, I'm sorry. Inspector.
I didn't mean
to insult the inspector.
Here, I'm saluting here, George.
Here, George?
George?
What are you talking about, Ange,
course he hasn't taken offence,
me and George go back 20 years.
We did our basic training together.
Here, you get him to tell you
about the time they found him in
the interview room with that WPC.
Oh... Yes?
We were wondering.
You've been here a week.
So?
We were just wondering when this
robbery was going to take place.
I can't tell you that.
It's a secret.
Oh, come on.
Look.
If the information we've got
is correct, it'll be soon, alright?
What, erm, what are they like,
you know,
the gang?
Let's see now.
There's the Sarge. He's just
a passenger, really.
He's only going along
with the other two
cos he's too scared
to do different.
Yeah.
What about Dell?
Dell? Oh, he's the hard man
of the three.
You don't want to mess with
this boy. No, you don't.
Yeah, he's hard alright.
Trouble is, he's not very bright.
Oh, how very true.
What about Carver then?
Carver, oh, he's the brains behind
it all, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Considers himself an intellectual,
apparently.
What d'you mean, considers?
As far as we know,
he left school at 15
and never passed any exams.
Funny background for
an intellectual, wouldn't you say?
Oh, dear me, they've got his
number alright.
Least I'm not subnormal.
Oh, go and band a drum.
Oi. What do you two want?
We were just wondering, like,
when this robbery
was going to take place.
Not that it's any
business of ours, okay?
Alright, alright, if it'll make
you go away any quicker,
it's tomorrow night.
BOTH: Tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night?
That's a bit short notice,
isn't it?
I mean,
does it have to be tomorrow?
Oh, alright then.
If you two say so.
I'll go along with whatever
you say.
He really had you down pat,
that bloke.
You'll go along with anything as
long as you've got an easy life.
Yeah. Passenger.
Alright then.
What time
do we rob this safe tomorrow?
I didn't know I was supposed
to ask him that.
No? Well, I can't think
of everything, can I?
You're supposed to be the brains
of the outfit, aren't you?
You're supposed
to be the hard man.
Why don't you twist his arm round
his neck and make him tell us?
Alright, Mr Bighead Passenger,
you go and ask him what time
it's taking place.
Alright,
if you two think I should.
I'll do whatever you say.
Oh, God. He's pathetic.
Go and ask him if we're meant
to be armed. Armed?
We've got to know if we're
supposed to be carrying guns,
haven't we?
Okay, if you two say so.
D'you know, I can't believe this
is the end of it
after all these years.
I know, I was just thinking that.
After tomorrow, we're not going
to see each other again.
Hm, yeah.
Look, I know we've had our ups
and downs over the years
but I've always hated you,
you know?
I know.
I've always hated you as well.
I want to tell you something.
I've never told you this before.
And it's really childish but--
Go on!
Whenever you read about people
having accidents in fires
and terrible road accidents
and things like that.
You know,
I know it's really childish
but whenever I read
anything like that,
I always imagine it's you,
you know.
You do that?
It cheers me up, sort of thing.
You do that as well, do you?
You know what I like?
When I'm out for a drive with the
wife and kids and you see those
squashed animals in the road,
the ones that
the ones that never quite made it,
right?
What, the Davy Crockett hats?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right. Well, whenever
I see one of those,
I just pretend it's you.
Sometimes...
Sometimes I reverse the car...
Drive over them a couple of times,
you know, imagining your face
going all flat.
Cheers.
Cheers.
I've done it. I've asked him.
Quarter past 11 tomorrow night,
that's when we do it.
And are we armed?
No, no, we're not armed.
That is a blessing
cos where are we going to find
guns this late in the day?
Right,
looks like we're all set then.
Oh, just one more thing.
He did say we'd probably
be in disguise.
Well, come on. Come on out,
let's have a look at you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Sarge?
Lovely colour.
Yeah? Well, I was worried
because the woman in the shop
said I should have gone for more
of a flesh tone
or something with a seam,
you know.
No, no, no, I disagree.
That would've been completely
wrong for a situation like this.
I mean, it's all the hallmarks
of classic simplicity.
Has the poor woman
never heard of Coco Chanel?
Go on, Carter, show us yours.
No, I'm just not in the same
league as that.
Nah, come on. Come on!
Just don't laugh, will you?
Just give me a chance.
Come on, say if you don't like it.
Very nice. Yeah?
Very nice. Touch of class, that.
Come on, Sarge, it's your turn!
Oh, well...
Where's he gone?
Where's the Sarge?
Sarge?
What've you done with the Sarge?
Come here, come here, come here!
It was me.
It's him!
That was brilliant.
Oh, that's brilliant!
Oh, he's beaten us all!
Who's got the key?
Hang on a minute,
we've forgotten something.
Well, that DC Martin's going
to be there, isn't he?
Oh, no. Course he is.
There's always something,
isn't there?
Here, do me a favour.
What?
Crack him over the head with this.
Let's go.
MYSTERIOUS MUSIC
Jeeze!
Hey, it's me. It's me.
Stupid, stupid.
BELL GRUNTS
What are you up to now?
Us?
We're rehearsing our annual play.
We do it every year, don't we?
Where were we?
So, this is the young swordsman
that all of France
is talking about.
ALL: It's all for one, and one for
all, and one, two, three.
You wouldn't believe it,
would you?
It's all off. We've only been
double crossed, haven't we?
What d'you mean? Nobody's going
to rob that safe?
Oh yeah, somebody's going to rob
the safe, alright,
but it's not going
to be our three.
What, not the security guards?
No, that was just a ruse,
wasn't it?
A ploy to put us off the scent,
to put us off the trail
of the real villain.
It's someone in the force,
isn't it? No, no!
I know, I know, there is nothing
worse than a bent copper.
Alright, so I'm late?
Everybody stay exactly where you
are and nobody will get hurt.
George, not you!
CARTER, BELL, SARGE: Oh, George!
Who's got the key?
George, why you, George? We
started out on the beat together?
Yes, and don't I bloody know it!
You've talked of nothing else
for the past 20 years!
It might've escaped your attention
but things have changed since then.
Some of us have got promoted,
for a start.
Some of us have made something
of ourselves
instead of wallowing around
in nostalgia.
I am an inspector, Norman.
And, for your information,
that rank requires
a little respect.
You should show respect, Norman.
Here but, George, we're friends.
I'm not your friend!
Where did you get this idea
that I was your friend?
I felt sorry for you, that's all.
That first day on the beat,
I felt sorry for you,
and, ever since, you've been
trading on it,
with your stupid bloody stories
about the past.
But not anymore.
I'm going to change it.
I'm going to change everything.
I'm going to change my whole life
with this!
This.
Oh, and something else, Norm.
I'm taking Maureen with me.
Oh, George, no.
Yeah, she can't bloody stand you
either!
Oh, lord, look at you lot.
What a bunch of deadbeats, eh?
What a bunch of losers.
Anybody there?
ALL: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Well, I beat you.
I beat you all.
They said it couldn't be done.
They said--
CRASHING SOUND
Now, who did that?
Come on. Own up.
Look, we are not going home until
the person that did it owns up.
We can stay here for as long
as it takes, I don't care,
I've got all night.
Davies, I knew it would be you.
What the bloody hell
were you doing?
You were aiming
at the wrong building.
Now, don't get clever with me,
Davies.
Alright, it was the right building
but you didn't know that.
You just wait. Over.
Been a funny sort of week,
hasn't it?
Nothing ever happens.
That's an African flute.
Listen.
That's an African flute,
that is.
It's nothing.
No, listen. I'm telling you,
that's an African flute.
That is coming all the way
from Africa, that is.
There's a bloke in a hut
playing that.
ROCK MUSIC
BELL PANTS
RADIO STATIC Bagpipes.
That's bagpipes, that is.
Hey, Scotch radio, ha ha!
What about that, Mr Carter, eh?
Scotch radio.
BELL GROANS
Where the bloody hell
have you been?
Jogging.
God, what am I doing here?
You're supposed to be
doing a job!
You know... A job!
As opposed to destroying other
people's private property
and belongings.
Call this a job, do you?
I call it a penance.
You know your trouble?
What?
God, that's better. Sweaty.
You know your trouble, Carter?
You think you're better than us.
Well, of course I think
I'm better than you.
For God's sake, grew up
with some pride.
Alright, lad, maybe
you are better.
But there's a little word,
gone out of fashion these days,
but a little word you might
care to ponder.
Humility.
Yeah, that means you're a prat.
Humility. I know what humility
is all right.
I've been practising it for
the best part of 40 years.
Where's it got me? Stuck here,
12 hours a night with you two.
And for what? This pittance.
Oh, come on, lad,
there's no need to take on so.
Come on!
Don't spoil the party.
What's the matter with you today?
Here, have a gipsy cream.
I don't want a gipsy cream!
Here, Carter, look.
Just had some photos
done of the house,
just had it done out,
want to have a look?
Alright, suit yourself,
I'll show the Sarge.
Here, Sarge, look...
I've had stone cladding.
I hate stone cladding.
It's not your house, is it,
Mr Cleverdick? It's mine.
I bought it off the council, I can
do what I like with it, thank you.
I can't see any stone cladding.
Well, you won't,
that's the outside,
I've had it done
on the inside of the house.
You get the benefit then,
don't you?
If it's on the outside of the
house, you never see it, do you?
Oh, come on, now,
he's got a point.
He's never had a point!
He's not capable
of having a point!
Brilliant, it is, I've knocked all
the walls through
so it looks like a great big cave,
the full monty.
Gonna brick up all the windows
next week.
Oh, how very, very
'Homes and Gardens'.
Hey, hey, hey.
Least I've got me own property.
You know, as opposed to someone
living in "rented accommodation".
As opposed
to someone living in some
filthy rented bug hutch somewhere.
Listen, my flat--
You what?
Your flat?
What, it's grown, has it?
Your room decided to expand,
did it?
It's a big room.
It's almost a flat.
If I put a wall across half of it,
it would be a flat.
Have you got any fitted units?
Yes, yes.
I've got a bookcase affair
with some house bricks and wooden
planks across it.
Oh, very 'Homes and Garden'.
Where do you keep the Vim?
Under the sink!
I've got to get out of here.
There must be something else
I can do, this can't be it.
I know why you're in a bad mood.
Why's that then?
He's been for another job
and he didn't get it.
Oh, diddums, didn't he get his
lickle job then?
Eh?
Ding-Dong, don't do that, please.
Ding-Dong, don't do that.
Didn't get his little job.
Didn't get his ickle, ickle--
Oh dear.
What job was this then?
The police.
Police? Did you have an interview?
Well, I had an interview.
I was supposed to have
an interview.
They sent me to the wrong place,
didn't they?
I mean, this is the upholders
of law and order
we're supposed to be
talking about.
What do they do? They send me
to the wrong place, didn't they?
KICKS BELL, BELL GROANS
I mean, they said Hall 3, right?
They categorically said I should
be in Hall 3 at half four.
So, I get to Hall 3
at quarter past four.
Be early, I thought,
show willing, I thought.
What do I find in Hall 3?
Do I find the police?
No, I do not.
What do I find, eh?
I find a bunch of ballet dancers
rehearsing the clog dance
from La Fille Mal Gardee,
that's what I bloody find.
So, I'm sitting there, right,
and I'm feeling pressurised,
right,
cos I'm the only one not wearing
tights, right?
So, I just manage to borrow this
leotard off someone
when this WPC wanders in
and, nonchalantly,
she looks over to me
and she said I should have been
in Hall 4 at half three
and that she was very sorry
and all that
but the interview panel had gone
home and that was it
till next year,
thank you very much.
So, that's it, then, isn't it?
I'm stuck in here with you
and the world's worst
interior decorator.
Come on now.
It's not the end of the world.
I mean, come to think of it,
we're sort of doing the same job
as the police, really.
Upholding law and order and that.
It's not the same, is it?
We don't have any radios, do we?
Hey?
Besides that,
nothing ever happens, does it?
Nothing ever happens!
Hey, that's it then.
That means we're doing our job,
if nothing happens!
Yeah, yeah.
Where you going?
I'm going upstairs to fiddle with
that computer on the 4th floor.
I've been trying to get
it to spell my name.
Gipsy cream?
Thank you.
Anybody there?
I'm not late. It's that clock.
It's slow.
CAMERA CLICKING
What's this then?
What's this then, Sarge?
Something's happened.
What d'you mean, something's
happened? What does that mean?
Something's happened?
Sarge? Sarge?
Oi.
Why don't you bang a drum?
What drum? I haven't got a drum.
Who said I was supposed
to bring a drum?
I didn't know we were supposed
to bring a drum.
Hey?
Keep the noise down.
Oh, I see. Sarcasm.
You're being sarcastic.
You didn't mean an actual drum,
you were just inferring that
I was making a lot of noise
and that I might as well
be beating or banging a drum.
How do you do?
DC Martin.
Oh!
Oh!
Detective Constable,
oh, it's marvellous.
Oh, it's just what we needed
round here.
Oh, this is great.
I can't tell you what all this
means to me.
CAMERA CLICKS
Oi!
Sorry. What's all this about then?
BELL COUGHS
Oh, ignore him,
he's just an idiot.
Oi, do you want me to separate
you from your breath?
Oh, go bang a drum.
Eh? D'you get it?
What's all this for then, eh?
You got clearance, didn't you?
Yeah, we, erm--
We might have.
Who said we haven't?
What's clearance?
Beck 3 to base, over.
Angela,
they haven't had clearance up here.
Drag old George outta the canteen
and get him to see to it, will you?
He's with you now? Put him on.
Hello, George?
Yeah, yeah, I know
you're an inspector, George,
what's that
got to do with anything?
Here, what were you doing
round the back of the fire station
at four o'clock this morning?
Yeah, I've got my sources.
I've heard about having somebody
in the back of a squad car, George,
but that was ridiculous.
CARTER LAUGHS
George?
What do you mean,
he's gone off in a huff?
Course he hasn't.
Me and George go back 20 years.
We started on the beat together.
Here, was he really blushing
Angela, eh?
Here, was he bright red, eh?
Just get that clearance,
will you? Over.
What, really blushing, was he, eh?
Don't you think you'd better
be getting along?
You've been relocated
to somewhere else in the building.
Good idea, good idea.
Too many cooks and all that.
Go on, you better run along,
go on.
What about you?
He didn't mean me. He's going
to need some help, isn't he?
I could've been where you are now,
you know,
if it hadn't been
for that ballet lesson.
Excuse me.
But if you think
we're moving out of here,
you're very much mistaken.
Excuse me,
but if you think
we're moving out of here,
you are very much mistaken.
Brilliant.
Go and bang a drum.
Oh, look. It's Sherlock Holmes.
How's it going, then, inspector?
What's happened?
He chucked me out, didn't he?
Said I was getting in his way.
All I wanted, right,
all I wanted
was to find whether my interview
was in Hall 3 at half four
or Hall 4 at half three.
And I was
just having a look at his camera,
and I asked him very nicely
if he wouldn't mind taking
my photograph for my passport,
and he blew his top.
What's he doing here, though?
Oh, well.
It's dead exciting.
What it is, you see, there's
a tower block over the way,
and the blokes who guard
it at night--
What, security blokes, like us,
you mean?
Yeah, the security guards,
the blokes who guard it at night,
they're planning to rob the safe.
Yeah.
And DC Martin, he's keeping them
under surveillance,
and when they make their move,
he's gonna nab them.
On his own, tonight?
No, no, no.
God, you know nothing
about police procedure.
There's hundreds of them
hiding all over the place
in buildings and pillar boxes
and, you know, stuff like that.
Anyway, he's going to watch them
for as long as it takes,
and when they make their move
for that safe,
pow!
Got to admire them, haven't you?
The police?
No, not the police, the blokes
who are doing the robbery.
Funny to think they're security
guards like us, though, isn't it?
Look, I had a shufty at his
notes, see?
And I jotted a few things down.
And he got all twisted
about that as well.
Right, I've got
the descriptions here.
There's three of them.
That's like us three, eh?
There's the Sarge, he's about 60.
Sounds like you.
There's this bloke called Dell.
Dell, that's funny.
That's like your name.
That's very like Bell, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, who else, Carter?
There's a bloke called Carver.
Carver?
Here, that's like your name.
That's like... Carter.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is, isn't it, eh?
Three security guards
the Sarge, Dell and Carver.
ALL LAUGH
The Sarge, Dell, Carver!
It's us.
It's us he's talking about.
No, no, no, it can't be us.
It can't be us. If it's us,
why is he watching another
building?
Because they've got that bit
wrong, haven't they?
It's like with the names.
Who's been dropping us in it,
then?
Who's been telling lies?
Robbing a safe. They put you away
for that, don't they?
We could go down for
20 years for that.
Hold it. What?
Hold it. What?
What?
We're not going to rob a safe,
are we?
So, what are we worried about?
Blimey, some cretin rings up
the bill and gives them our names.
But it was a bad line,
that's why they got the names
and addresses wrong.
They couldn't even get that bit
right, could they?
Some idiot rings up the old bill,
gives them our names,
and says we're going
to rob a safe.
I mean, it might have occurred
to him that we weren't.
Mind you, it wouldn't take much,
would it?
Eh?
To rob that safe.
I mean, I've even got a key.
How much do they keep in there
then?
I don't know, I've never looked.
Must be quite a bit though,
otherwise you wouldn't need
to keep it in a safe.
No, it stands to reason
if you're gonna keep the safe,
you've got to have a pretty
substantial
amount of money in it.
Yeah.
Shall we then?
Shall we what?
Rob the safe.
Go on, might as well.
DC MARTIN GRUNTS
Angela, is George there?
Oh, put him on, will you?
Hello, George, mate.
How's it going?
Oh, I'm sorry. Inspector.
I didn't mean
to insult the inspector.
Here, I'm saluting here, George.
Here, George?
George?
What are you talking about, Ange,
course he hasn't taken offence,
me and George go back 20 years.
We did our basic training together.
Here, you get him to tell you
about the time they found him in
the interview room with that WPC.
Oh... Yes?
We were wondering.
You've been here a week.
So?
We were just wondering when this
robbery was going to take place.
I can't tell you that.
It's a secret.
Oh, come on.
Look.
If the information we've got
is correct, it'll be soon, alright?
What, erm, what are they like,
you know,
the gang?
Let's see now.
There's the Sarge. He's just
a passenger, really.
He's only going along
with the other two
cos he's too scared
to do different.
Yeah.
What about Dell?
Dell? Oh, he's the hard man
of the three.
You don't want to mess with
this boy. No, you don't.
Yeah, he's hard alright.
Trouble is, he's not very bright.
Oh, how very true.
What about Carver then?
Carver, oh, he's the brains behind
it all, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Considers himself an intellectual,
apparently.
What d'you mean, considers?
As far as we know,
he left school at 15
and never passed any exams.
Funny background for
an intellectual, wouldn't you say?
Oh, dear me, they've got his
number alright.
Least I'm not subnormal.
Oh, go and band a drum.
Oi. What do you two want?
We were just wondering, like,
when this robbery
was going to take place.
Not that it's any
business of ours, okay?
Alright, alright, if it'll make
you go away any quicker,
it's tomorrow night.
BOTH: Tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night?
That's a bit short notice,
isn't it?
I mean,
does it have to be tomorrow?
Oh, alright then.
If you two say so.
I'll go along with whatever
you say.
He really had you down pat,
that bloke.
You'll go along with anything as
long as you've got an easy life.
Yeah. Passenger.
Alright then.
What time
do we rob this safe tomorrow?
I didn't know I was supposed
to ask him that.
No? Well, I can't think
of everything, can I?
You're supposed to be the brains
of the outfit, aren't you?
You're supposed
to be the hard man.
Why don't you twist his arm round
his neck and make him tell us?
Alright, Mr Bighead Passenger,
you go and ask him what time
it's taking place.
Alright,
if you two think I should.
I'll do whatever you say.
Oh, God. He's pathetic.
Go and ask him if we're meant
to be armed. Armed?
We've got to know if we're
supposed to be carrying guns,
haven't we?
Okay, if you two say so.
D'you know, I can't believe this
is the end of it
after all these years.
I know, I was just thinking that.
After tomorrow, we're not going
to see each other again.
Hm, yeah.
Look, I know we've had our ups
and downs over the years
but I've always hated you,
you know?
I know.
I've always hated you as well.
I want to tell you something.
I've never told you this before.
And it's really childish but--
Go on!
Whenever you read about people
having accidents in fires
and terrible road accidents
and things like that.
You know,
I know it's really childish
but whenever I read
anything like that,
I always imagine it's you,
you know.
You do that?
It cheers me up, sort of thing.
You do that as well, do you?
You know what I like?
When I'm out for a drive with the
wife and kids and you see those
squashed animals in the road,
the ones that
the ones that never quite made it,
right?
What, the Davy Crockett hats?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right. Well, whenever
I see one of those,
I just pretend it's you.
Sometimes...
Sometimes I reverse the car...
Drive over them a couple of times,
you know, imagining your face
going all flat.
Cheers.
Cheers.
I've done it. I've asked him.
Quarter past 11 tomorrow night,
that's when we do it.
And are we armed?
No, no, we're not armed.
That is a blessing
cos where are we going to find
guns this late in the day?
Right,
looks like we're all set then.
Oh, just one more thing.
He did say we'd probably
be in disguise.
Well, come on. Come on out,
let's have a look at you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Sarge?
Lovely colour.
Yeah? Well, I was worried
because the woman in the shop
said I should have gone for more
of a flesh tone
or something with a seam,
you know.
No, no, no, I disagree.
That would've been completely
wrong for a situation like this.
I mean, it's all the hallmarks
of classic simplicity.
Has the poor woman
never heard of Coco Chanel?
Go on, Carter, show us yours.
No, I'm just not in the same
league as that.
Nah, come on. Come on!
Just don't laugh, will you?
Just give me a chance.
Come on, say if you don't like it.
Very nice. Yeah?
Very nice. Touch of class, that.
Come on, Sarge, it's your turn!
Oh, well...
Where's he gone?
Where's the Sarge?
Sarge?
What've you done with the Sarge?
Come here, come here, come here!
It was me.
It's him!
That was brilliant.
Oh, that's brilliant!
Oh, he's beaten us all!
Who's got the key?
Hang on a minute,
we've forgotten something.
Well, that DC Martin's going
to be there, isn't he?
Oh, no. Course he is.
There's always something,
isn't there?
Here, do me a favour.
What?
Crack him over the head with this.
Let's go.
MYSTERIOUS MUSIC
Jeeze!
Hey, it's me. It's me.
Stupid, stupid.
BELL GRUNTS
What are you up to now?
Us?
We're rehearsing our annual play.
We do it every year, don't we?
Where were we?
So, this is the young swordsman
that all of France
is talking about.
ALL: It's all for one, and one for
all, and one, two, three.
You wouldn't believe it,
would you?
It's all off. We've only been
double crossed, haven't we?
What d'you mean? Nobody's going
to rob that safe?
Oh yeah, somebody's going to rob
the safe, alright,
but it's not going
to be our three.
What, not the security guards?
No, that was just a ruse,
wasn't it?
A ploy to put us off the scent,
to put us off the trail
of the real villain.
It's someone in the force,
isn't it? No, no!
I know, I know, there is nothing
worse than a bent copper.
Alright, so I'm late?
Everybody stay exactly where you
are and nobody will get hurt.
George, not you!
CARTER, BELL, SARGE: Oh, George!
Who's got the key?
George, why you, George? We
started out on the beat together?
Yes, and don't I bloody know it!
You've talked of nothing else
for the past 20 years!
It might've escaped your attention
but things have changed since then.
Some of us have got promoted,
for a start.
Some of us have made something
of ourselves
instead of wallowing around
in nostalgia.
I am an inspector, Norman.
And, for your information,
that rank requires
a little respect.
You should show respect, Norman.
Here but, George, we're friends.
I'm not your friend!
Where did you get this idea
that I was your friend?
I felt sorry for you, that's all.
That first day on the beat,
I felt sorry for you,
and, ever since, you've been
trading on it,
with your stupid bloody stories
about the past.
But not anymore.
I'm going to change it.
I'm going to change everything.
I'm going to change my whole life
with this!
This.
Oh, and something else, Norm.
I'm taking Maureen with me.
Oh, George, no.
Yeah, she can't bloody stand you
either!
Oh, lord, look at you lot.
What a bunch of deadbeats, eh?
What a bunch of losers.
Anybody there?
ALL: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Well, I beat you.
I beat you all.
They said it couldn't be done.
They said--
CRASHING SOUND
Now, who did that?
Come on. Own up.
Look, we are not going home until
the person that did it owns up.
We can stay here for as long
as it takes, I don't care,
I've got all night.
Davies, I knew it would be you.
What the bloody hell
were you doing?
You were aiming
at the wrong building.
Now, don't get clever with me,
Davies.
Alright, it was the right building
but you didn't know that.
You just wait. Over.
Been a funny sort of week,
hasn't it?
Nothing ever happens.