Nightingales (1990–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Opening Night - full transcript
Sarge needs surgery. Swan may be a werewolf, but he's also a medical student.
THEME MUSIC
MAKES GUNSHOT NOISES
SARGE COUGHING
You talking to me?
Wait a minute.
You're dead.
BELL CHUCKLES
You're dead!
BELL CHUCKLES
You're dead.
No, look mate, I'm not dead.
Because, to make someone dead,
you've got to have a ray gun, see?
Right, I'll show you, right?
You're dead.
See? I can't be dead cos
I've got a ray gun, see?
You're dead.
See, that's why
I will never ever be dead,
because I've got a ray gun
and you haven't so up yours!
You're dead.
Now you're dead.
You're dead.
Now you're dead.
You're dead.
You're dead!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're dead.
No, no, no, no, you're dead.
You're dead!
You're dead.
You're dead, you're dead.
You're dead, you're dead.
TALKING JIBBERISH
I'm not dead, you're dead.
You're dead, I'm not dead!
You're dead! You're dead,
you're dead!
Anybody there?
# There's nobody here
but us chickens #
SARGE GROANS
I wonder what Bruce Oldfield's
doing tonight, eh, Sarge?
Gladdens the heart, doesn't it?
SARGE GRUNTS
An ex-Bernardo boy can go on to
become an international designer
of haute couture.
Gives hope to us all, eh, Sarge.
SARGE GROANS
If you don't mind me saying,
Sarge, you don't look too well.
No good trying to hide it from me,
Sarge. Sarge?
Hey, look at me when
I'm talking to you.
Sarge, I'll get you a drink,
hang on, son.
Oi, a cup of Ding-Dong's tea,
that'll do you the world of good.
Here you are.
Here you are, Sarge,
get this down you.
SARGE CHOKES
It's not that bad.
Sarge,
this torch isn't working properly.
Defective, how are we supposed
to work with shoddy material?
Come on, you're in charge, Sarge.
Eh, Sarge?
Just give me a minute, son.
And where are these radios then?
Where are these radios
we're supposed to be getting?
You're the one that's in charge,
you're the one that's supposed
to know what's going on.
Well, what've you got to say?
Well?
Well?
Bell, Ding-Dong, leave it out.
Well? No.
Well? No.
Well? Well? What?
No, he's not well. Are you, Sarge?
No.
Your ticker, it's your ticker,
isn't it, Sarge? Yeah.
He's alright. You're alright,
aren't you, Sarge?
These pills,
they don't seem to do the trick
as well as they used to.
Eh, eh, how long's this been going
on then, eh?
Oh, well, I've had it all along,
you know that.
Trouble is, it's progressive.
Doctor says if I don't have
something done about it
it's only a matter of time
before... Before...
SARGE SOBS
Sarge, does that mean one of us
would be put in charge if you
snuffed it? No!
No, they'd send somebody else
round in my place.
That's no good, we can't have
someone new bossing us about.
Nah. Can't you have
anything done then?
Oh, yes, I could have something
done, I could have an operation.
I could have a heart bypass
operation.
Trouble is,
there's a waiting list.
Go private then,
it can't cost that much.
Go private, come on!
We'll chip in, how much?
6,000 quid.
Have you thought about
a faith healer? No.
It's the operation or nothing.
Doctor says it's me only chance.
I've got 500 quid
put away for a rainy day
but what's that when you're
looking at 6,000...
There must be something we can do.
SARGE GROANS
Well, that's it, you'll just have
to snuff it then.
Got it! Am I or am I not a genius?
Do I or do I not deliver?
When the chips are down,
does Carter not save the day?
I'm talking about Swan,
Swanny, Eric.
You remember, medical student?
He worked here one night,
d'you remember?
He could do the Sarge's op,
he could do it right here.
What d'you think of that?
Remember Eric? I remember Eric.
Medical student,
just the man for the job.
Swan. Swanny Eric.
He could do the op,
he could do it right here.
Hey, for what, 500 quid?
But he's--
He's a what, come on?
He's a what?
He's a werewolf, though.
Be a wet blanket,
always look on the dark side.
Okay, he's a werewolf
but he's not a werewolf
all the time, is he?
He's not a werewolf 24 hours
a day, is he?
So? So, we pick a date
when it's not a full moon.
We pick a date when
it's not a full moon
and then we get Eric in,
this medical student,
this... this...
Werewolf
Werewolf in to perform this,
erm...
This heart bypass operation.
Exactly, we get this werewolf in
to perform this bypass operation
on the Sarge.
Now, tell me, where's the harm
in that?
BOTH: Okay.
Swanny, he's the man
for the job.
DRAMATIC MUSIC, MACHINE BEEPING
What's that then, Eric?
It's nitrous oxide. Anaesthetic.
Oh, I see.
Here, you've thought
of everything.
I thought we were just gonna
hit him over the head
with a hammer or something.
Hit him over the head
with a hammer?
He knows nothing, does he, Eric?
Hit him over the head
with a hammer.
I'm sure that's how Dr Magdi
Yacoub carries on at Papworth.
I've always fancied a medical
profession, Eric.
I think if I'd stayed at school
and taken my CSEs
I think I would have been in your
line of business.
Look, to tell you the truth,
I haven't done...
I'm only a first year student,
this is a bit advanced for me.
I mean, a heart bypass operation,
it's not easy, you know.
You've done operations before
though, haven't you?
No.
CARTER AND BELL: What?
You've not done any operations?
No, I tell a lie, I did assist
at a tonsillectomy.
LADS CHUCKLE You're having us on,
you little devil.
You "haven't done any operations."
You'll walk it!
Eric, about your little problem.
Your affliction.
Oh, that. It's not been too bad
lately, touch wood.
You have checked the calendar
though?
Oh, yeah, yeah, we checked
the calendar, didn't we?
I don't usually bother these days,
I just stay in and read a book.
It's safer, really.
Sure, sure.
Right,
let's be getting on with it.
Come on, Sarge. Nurse Ding-Dong,
please.
Come on now, Sarge.
What's this behind your back?
Got his little dolly with him!
It's not a little dolly!
It's me lucky mascot,
me wife made it for me.
A lucky mascot, come here!
You think you need a lucky mascot
with all this going on for you,
do you?
Well, keep it with you
just in case.
Shall I take me vest off?
No, I'll cut it off,
be good practise for me.
Now, come on, stop messing about,
come on, get on.
Here, I hope this is washable
cos it's gonna get covered
in blood.
I need somebody to act
as the anaesthetist.
Me, me, bagsy me do that.
Oh, no, no, I want to do that.
Tough cos I said it first,
that's right, isn't it, Eric?
I was the first to say it,
wasn't I? Tell him.
Look, you could hand me the
instruments when I need them? No!
What? Be your assistant?
Scalpel, scalpel. Swab, swab.
That sort of thing?
I want to do that.
You can't do that cos you're doing
that stupid thing, aren't you?
I didn't know he was going to need
someone to pass the instruments.
You should've jumped in.
I'm doing it, aren't I, Eric?
Get stuffed. I bet you pass him
the wrong stuff.
I bet you don't work
that thing properly.
I bet he wakes up
halfway through the operation.
Excuse me?
BOTH: What?
Do you think we could
be getting on with it?
Alright, alright.
We were getting on with it,
weren't we, Eric?
Just cos you're
the star of the show.
Right.
Wow.
Can I have them after you've
finished with them?
Yes, alright.
Yeah!
Okay, Eric, ready when you are,
son.
Okay, now, you turn this on here.
And you hold
the mask over his face
like this.
SARGE GRUNTS
Yeah.
You must make sure the needle
stays between these points.
He'll never do that,
he'll cock it up.
No, I won't. Shut your face.
Eric, do you want any instruments
passing at this moment?
No, not just yet.
Ha ha ha!
Lift your leg up. Thank you.
Okay, I think we're all set.
Fingers crossed.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
GAS TURNED ON
Right, just breathe steadily,
Sergeant.
One...
SARGE GROANS
Two...
SARGE GROANS
Three
SARGE GROANS
Four... Do you mind?
Oh, sorry, Eric.
Nah-nah.
That's it. Nice and easy.
Nice and easy.
He's gone.
ERIC GROWLS
You alright? Eh?
Yeah, fine.
ERIC GROWLS
Just a little tired, that's all.
Give me a minute to myself,
will you?
I just need to gather my thoughts
before I start.
Right you are, Dr Kildare.
I'm going to start passing the
instruments in a minute. Shut up!
ERIC GROWLS
A word in your ear?
Are you sure it's alright,
you know--
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it.
Everything alright on that score,
you checked the calendar.
There's nothing to worry about--
Er, Ding-Dong?
You did check the calendar,
didn't you?
Yeah, yeah. 5th of August.
5th of August?
It's July.
It's the 3rd of July.
Well, I've never been very good
at figures, you know that.
CARTER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Alright, Eric?
We were just saying what a lovely
night it is out there.
Weren't we, saying what a lovely,
moonless night it is?
Weren't we?
Yes, we were.
Right, let's not hang about, eh?
CHAINSAW ROARS
HOWLING
DRILL BUZZES
Right.
That's that bit over with.
Finished that bit.
I've finished that bit!
Really puts your teeth on edge,
that, doesn't it?
How'd it go, Eric, alright?
I'm quite pleased, to be honest.
Funny really, I was never very good
at woodwork at school.
Eurgh, school dinners!
Eurgh!
Ew, look at all that blood.
It's only natural, if we didn't
have blood we'd die, wouldn't we?
We've got to have blood to survive.
Oh, yeah, you've got to have blood.
Lots of blood.
Blood, muscle, tissue.
Look at it all.
Feeling quite peckish, now.
Right, well, let's be getting
on with it,
there's no point in hanging about
all night, is there Eric?
Eh? Oh, right, now, listen.
This is very important.
You mustn't interrupt me while
I'm operating.
I've got to concentrate
so just don't interrupt me, okay?
Alright, alright, we knew that,
just cos you're doing the
operating, don't have a go at us.
I'm not having a go at you,
I'm just saying I need to
concentrate, that's all.
Okay? So don't interrupt me.
Only if it's a matter of life
or death, okay?
Yeah.
Alright, so don't interrupt me.
Right, right, right.
Eric?
Eric?
Swanny?
What?
What do you want?
Do you think William Wordsworth
ever went jogging?
Don't interrupt me.
Only if it's a matter of life
or death, okay?
Alright, I'm just wondering,
that's all,
because he might.
You know, he could have had a race
against Coleridge, couldn't he?
He already said don't interrupt
him!
He said don't interrupt him,
only if it was
a matter of life or death!
He said.
Eric?
Swan?
Swanny?
What?
I go on me holidays next week.
I can't work like this.
This is an extremely
difficult operation.
Requires a great degree of skill.
Alright, alright,
so you keep saying.
Just get on with it
instead of standing there
blowing your own trumpet
all night.
What were you doing?
Nothing.
Right, that's it. I'm off.
Ah, what? Oh, come on.
Come on, we didn't mean any harm.
Only joking, weren't we?
We weren't referring to you,
were we, Ding-Dong?
Well, no, we were talking about,
we were talking about--
About some other werewolf.
It's a big joke to you, isn't it?
Oh yes.
A very big joke. Ha, ha, ha.
Do you realise,
can you possibly have any
conception of what my life is like?
Your life's not your own, you know,
it's not.
You can't be spontaneous.
You should be spontaneous when
you're young, shouldn't you?
I'm only 20 but I can't be!
Spontaneous.
Students bar.
Somebody's organised a party.
"Hey, Eric, do you want to go to
a party, Eric?"
But I can't, you see,
I can't take the chance.
In case you know what happens.
It's a living hell.
Sorry, Eric, we didn't mean
anything by it. Come on, Eric.
Look, we're stuck in here
12 hours a night,
you know, we're unskilled,
we know nothing,
we're just the dregs. I mean,
you know...
Eric, come on.
Come on,
you can't leave him like this.
It makes you wonder, really,
all this blood.
You wouldn't think the human body
could contain it all
but, no, when you come down to it,
we're just a great bag of blood,
a big, sopping wet suitcase
full of blood.
Blood, bone, tissue.
Oh, yes, we've got the lot here.
Perhaps he just likes his work?
ERIC MOANS
Eric? Eric?
You alright, Eric?
I'm fine, thanks.
Eric, come here, come here.
Eric, you promised.
Eric, this is not on.
You can't eat the patient, Eric.
It's unethical.
Besides that it's gotta shorten
his chances of survival,
what's Dr Magdi Yacoub going
to think of this, eh?
Yeah, I know, but you said it would
be alright. Come on, guys...
BOTH: Toilets!
Come on, out. Out you go!
I'm having none of this.
DRAMATIC MUSIC, ALL SHOUTING
HOWLING NOISE
God, he really hurt me, there.
Whinge, whinge, whine, whine.
One little bite from a werewolf
and look at you.
I mean, everybody gets little
things wrong with them
from time to time but they
don't complain.
I mean, I used to asthma
when I was a kid
but I never went on like you,
did I?
Here you are.
He's still breathing.
What shall we do now then?
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
we've got to act fast.
Yeah?
Yeah.
The worst thing to do in a case
like this is to hang about.
That bad, eh?
Mmm.
Failure to act quickly
is the biggest cause of death
in a case like this.
How d'you know that then?
I've read about it, haven't I?
There was this bloke in Russia
who was in the same situation
as Sarge is in now, more or less,
and the people with him, you see,
they hung about, they dithered,
they dathered,
and in the end, due to these
people, these stupid people,
messing about,
he snuffed it.
HEART MONITOR BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY
MONITOR BEEPS NORMALLY
So, where you going then?
What?
On your holidays?
Dunno. Wales, probably.
So, what d'you think
we should do then?
Act fast. If there's one thing
I'm sure of,
I'm sure of that.
We've got to act fast.
God, I'm shattered.
It's only natural.
Takes it out of you,
all this messing
about with werewolves
and operations and stuff.
But I'll tell you one thing,
Ding-Dong,
as sure as eggs is eggs, I'm sure
of this, what we've got to do...
YAWNS
LULLABY PLAYS
We've got to act fast...
Hello?
SARGE CLUCKS
Is there anybody there?
Woo!
Er, what I was saying was,
what we've got to do is--
Act quickly.
What are you doing?
He's done it.
Haven't you, Eric?
No thanks to you two.
I woke up, you know.
See, I told you you'd
cock it up.
I had nobody to pass me
the instruments.
Yeah, big head.
Well, it wasn't my fault, was it?
I--
Who did pass you the instruments?
I did.
Well, it was your fault,
wasn't it?
We should've got
a proper doctor here.
Instead of you
sitting in the toilets
barking your bloody head
off all night.
I wasn't in the toilets all night,
was I?
Some nights it doesn't last as long
as others.
And a good job it doesn't,
isn't it? You two were no help!
Oh, get back to your coffin.
That's not us, that's vampires.
It's all the same,
you're all bloody perverts.
Right, well. I'll be off then.
Very grateful.
Sarge, you did mention a fee.
Of course, yes, here you are.
500 quid.
Money well spent.
Ooh.
I think I better pay a visit.
D'you know...
I feel better already.
What a pity.
Right, well,
I'd better be off then.
Oi, oi, just a minute,
come here.
What's in this bag?Oh, nothing.
Hey, come here, come on,
what's going on with this?
That wouldn't be the Sarge's
kidney, would it?
No, no, no, it's not.
I've got pathology tomorrow
morning
and I just thought I'd do a bit--
Get off, you didn't have it
when you came in.
I did. Look. Guys.
Even if that was
the Sarge's kidney,
theoretically, if that was
the Sarge's kidney,
he wouldn't miss it,
he's got another one.
That doesn't make it right,
does it, Eric?
Eric, look, if Jonny
had two sweets,
and I took one of them,
that wouldn't be fair,
would it, Eric?
Would it?
Look, I've had a look
at the calendar
and there's another
full moon tonight.
So? So, well, it'll save me
going out, won't it?
Come on. What d'you say, hey?
Alright.
500 quid.
You...
I was going to buy a compact
disc player with that.
BELL LAUGHS
BELL AND CARTER LAUGH
But I'll tell you something,
that's the last time I do a heart
bypass operation
for anybody as a favour.
LADS WOOP AND BARK
Get down?
500 quid, that's 250 each.
Oi, oi, we can't cut
the Sarge out.
This is the Sarge's money, we
can't cut the Sarge out, can we?
No?
We can't cut the Sarge out...
Can we?
THUNDER CLAP
What a to-do, eh?
Still, it all turned out
for the best.
By the way, Mr Bell went
on his holidays.
He decided on Spain in the end.
Flashing his spending money about
before he went.
I don't know where these
young lads get it from.
Yes, it's just me and Mr Carter
here at the moment.
Things are quite busy
but we get by.
D'you know, I've just this minute
left him having his dinner.
Smoked salmon and half a bottle
of champagne.
How things change, eh?
At his age, I'd have been glad
of a sarnie and cup of tea.
Well, that's about all the news
from our part of the world
at the moment.
Oh, just one more thing.
The boys bought me a little get
well present.
A cigar.
Nice thought, eh?
They're not bad lads, really,
you know.
Still, I shouldn't be smoking
at all with my complaint.
Some of us never learn.
Evening all.
MAKES GUNSHOT NOISES
SARGE COUGHING
You talking to me?
Wait a minute.
You're dead.
BELL CHUCKLES
You're dead!
BELL CHUCKLES
You're dead.
No, look mate, I'm not dead.
Because, to make someone dead,
you've got to have a ray gun, see?
Right, I'll show you, right?
You're dead.
See? I can't be dead cos
I've got a ray gun, see?
You're dead.
See, that's why
I will never ever be dead,
because I've got a ray gun
and you haven't so up yours!
You're dead.
Now you're dead.
You're dead.
Now you're dead.
You're dead.
You're dead!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're dead.
No, no, no, no, you're dead.
You're dead!
You're dead.
You're dead, you're dead.
You're dead, you're dead.
TALKING JIBBERISH
I'm not dead, you're dead.
You're dead, I'm not dead!
You're dead! You're dead,
you're dead!
Anybody there?
# There's nobody here
but us chickens #
SARGE GROANS
I wonder what Bruce Oldfield's
doing tonight, eh, Sarge?
Gladdens the heart, doesn't it?
SARGE GRUNTS
An ex-Bernardo boy can go on to
become an international designer
of haute couture.
Gives hope to us all, eh, Sarge.
SARGE GROANS
If you don't mind me saying,
Sarge, you don't look too well.
No good trying to hide it from me,
Sarge. Sarge?
Hey, look at me when
I'm talking to you.
Sarge, I'll get you a drink,
hang on, son.
Oi, a cup of Ding-Dong's tea,
that'll do you the world of good.
Here you are.
Here you are, Sarge,
get this down you.
SARGE CHOKES
It's not that bad.
Sarge,
this torch isn't working properly.
Defective, how are we supposed
to work with shoddy material?
Come on, you're in charge, Sarge.
Eh, Sarge?
Just give me a minute, son.
And where are these radios then?
Where are these radios
we're supposed to be getting?
You're the one that's in charge,
you're the one that's supposed
to know what's going on.
Well, what've you got to say?
Well?
Well?
Bell, Ding-Dong, leave it out.
Well? No.
Well? No.
Well? Well? What?
No, he's not well. Are you, Sarge?
No.
Your ticker, it's your ticker,
isn't it, Sarge? Yeah.
He's alright. You're alright,
aren't you, Sarge?
These pills,
they don't seem to do the trick
as well as they used to.
Eh, eh, how long's this been going
on then, eh?
Oh, well, I've had it all along,
you know that.
Trouble is, it's progressive.
Doctor says if I don't have
something done about it
it's only a matter of time
before... Before...
SARGE SOBS
Sarge, does that mean one of us
would be put in charge if you
snuffed it? No!
No, they'd send somebody else
round in my place.
That's no good, we can't have
someone new bossing us about.
Nah. Can't you have
anything done then?
Oh, yes, I could have something
done, I could have an operation.
I could have a heart bypass
operation.
Trouble is,
there's a waiting list.
Go private then,
it can't cost that much.
Go private, come on!
We'll chip in, how much?
6,000 quid.
Have you thought about
a faith healer? No.
It's the operation or nothing.
Doctor says it's me only chance.
I've got 500 quid
put away for a rainy day
but what's that when you're
looking at 6,000...
There must be something we can do.
SARGE GROANS
Well, that's it, you'll just have
to snuff it then.
Got it! Am I or am I not a genius?
Do I or do I not deliver?
When the chips are down,
does Carter not save the day?
I'm talking about Swan,
Swanny, Eric.
You remember, medical student?
He worked here one night,
d'you remember?
He could do the Sarge's op,
he could do it right here.
What d'you think of that?
Remember Eric? I remember Eric.
Medical student,
just the man for the job.
Swan. Swanny Eric.
He could do the op,
he could do it right here.
Hey, for what, 500 quid?
But he's--
He's a what, come on?
He's a what?
He's a werewolf, though.
Be a wet blanket,
always look on the dark side.
Okay, he's a werewolf
but he's not a werewolf
all the time, is he?
He's not a werewolf 24 hours
a day, is he?
So? So, we pick a date
when it's not a full moon.
We pick a date when
it's not a full moon
and then we get Eric in,
this medical student,
this... this...
Werewolf
Werewolf in to perform this,
erm...
This heart bypass operation.
Exactly, we get this werewolf in
to perform this bypass operation
on the Sarge.
Now, tell me, where's the harm
in that?
BOTH: Okay.
Swanny, he's the man
for the job.
DRAMATIC MUSIC, MACHINE BEEPING
What's that then, Eric?
It's nitrous oxide. Anaesthetic.
Oh, I see.
Here, you've thought
of everything.
I thought we were just gonna
hit him over the head
with a hammer or something.
Hit him over the head
with a hammer?
He knows nothing, does he, Eric?
Hit him over the head
with a hammer.
I'm sure that's how Dr Magdi
Yacoub carries on at Papworth.
I've always fancied a medical
profession, Eric.
I think if I'd stayed at school
and taken my CSEs
I think I would have been in your
line of business.
Look, to tell you the truth,
I haven't done...
I'm only a first year student,
this is a bit advanced for me.
I mean, a heart bypass operation,
it's not easy, you know.
You've done operations before
though, haven't you?
No.
CARTER AND BELL: What?
You've not done any operations?
No, I tell a lie, I did assist
at a tonsillectomy.
LADS CHUCKLE You're having us on,
you little devil.
You "haven't done any operations."
You'll walk it!
Eric, about your little problem.
Your affliction.
Oh, that. It's not been too bad
lately, touch wood.
You have checked the calendar
though?
Oh, yeah, yeah, we checked
the calendar, didn't we?
I don't usually bother these days,
I just stay in and read a book.
It's safer, really.
Sure, sure.
Right,
let's be getting on with it.
Come on, Sarge. Nurse Ding-Dong,
please.
Come on now, Sarge.
What's this behind your back?
Got his little dolly with him!
It's not a little dolly!
It's me lucky mascot,
me wife made it for me.
A lucky mascot, come here!
You think you need a lucky mascot
with all this going on for you,
do you?
Well, keep it with you
just in case.
Shall I take me vest off?
No, I'll cut it off,
be good practise for me.
Now, come on, stop messing about,
come on, get on.
Here, I hope this is washable
cos it's gonna get covered
in blood.
I need somebody to act
as the anaesthetist.
Me, me, bagsy me do that.
Oh, no, no, I want to do that.
Tough cos I said it first,
that's right, isn't it, Eric?
I was the first to say it,
wasn't I? Tell him.
Look, you could hand me the
instruments when I need them? No!
What? Be your assistant?
Scalpel, scalpel. Swab, swab.
That sort of thing?
I want to do that.
You can't do that cos you're doing
that stupid thing, aren't you?
I didn't know he was going to need
someone to pass the instruments.
You should've jumped in.
I'm doing it, aren't I, Eric?
Get stuffed. I bet you pass him
the wrong stuff.
I bet you don't work
that thing properly.
I bet he wakes up
halfway through the operation.
Excuse me?
BOTH: What?
Do you think we could
be getting on with it?
Alright, alright.
We were getting on with it,
weren't we, Eric?
Just cos you're
the star of the show.
Right.
Wow.
Can I have them after you've
finished with them?
Yes, alright.
Yeah!
Okay, Eric, ready when you are,
son.
Okay, now, you turn this on here.
And you hold
the mask over his face
like this.
SARGE GRUNTS
Yeah.
You must make sure the needle
stays between these points.
He'll never do that,
he'll cock it up.
No, I won't. Shut your face.
Eric, do you want any instruments
passing at this moment?
No, not just yet.
Ha ha ha!
Lift your leg up. Thank you.
Okay, I think we're all set.
Fingers crossed.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
GAS TURNED ON
Right, just breathe steadily,
Sergeant.
One...
SARGE GROANS
Two...
SARGE GROANS
Three
SARGE GROANS
Four... Do you mind?
Oh, sorry, Eric.
Nah-nah.
That's it. Nice and easy.
Nice and easy.
He's gone.
ERIC GROWLS
You alright? Eh?
Yeah, fine.
ERIC GROWLS
Just a little tired, that's all.
Give me a minute to myself,
will you?
I just need to gather my thoughts
before I start.
Right you are, Dr Kildare.
I'm going to start passing the
instruments in a minute. Shut up!
ERIC GROWLS
A word in your ear?
Are you sure it's alright,
you know--
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it.
Everything alright on that score,
you checked the calendar.
There's nothing to worry about--
Er, Ding-Dong?
You did check the calendar,
didn't you?
Yeah, yeah. 5th of August.
5th of August?
It's July.
It's the 3rd of July.
Well, I've never been very good
at figures, you know that.
CARTER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Alright, Eric?
We were just saying what a lovely
night it is out there.
Weren't we, saying what a lovely,
moonless night it is?
Weren't we?
Yes, we were.
Right, let's not hang about, eh?
CHAINSAW ROARS
HOWLING
DRILL BUZZES
Right.
That's that bit over with.
Finished that bit.
I've finished that bit!
Really puts your teeth on edge,
that, doesn't it?
How'd it go, Eric, alright?
I'm quite pleased, to be honest.
Funny really, I was never very good
at woodwork at school.
Eurgh, school dinners!
Eurgh!
Ew, look at all that blood.
It's only natural, if we didn't
have blood we'd die, wouldn't we?
We've got to have blood to survive.
Oh, yeah, you've got to have blood.
Lots of blood.
Blood, muscle, tissue.
Look at it all.
Feeling quite peckish, now.
Right, well, let's be getting
on with it,
there's no point in hanging about
all night, is there Eric?
Eh? Oh, right, now, listen.
This is very important.
You mustn't interrupt me while
I'm operating.
I've got to concentrate
so just don't interrupt me, okay?
Alright, alright, we knew that,
just cos you're doing the
operating, don't have a go at us.
I'm not having a go at you,
I'm just saying I need to
concentrate, that's all.
Okay? So don't interrupt me.
Only if it's a matter of life
or death, okay?
Yeah.
Alright, so don't interrupt me.
Right, right, right.
Eric?
Eric?
Swanny?
What?
What do you want?
Do you think William Wordsworth
ever went jogging?
Don't interrupt me.
Only if it's a matter of life
or death, okay?
Alright, I'm just wondering,
that's all,
because he might.
You know, he could have had a race
against Coleridge, couldn't he?
He already said don't interrupt
him!
He said don't interrupt him,
only if it was
a matter of life or death!
He said.
Eric?
Swan?
Swanny?
What?
I go on me holidays next week.
I can't work like this.
This is an extremely
difficult operation.
Requires a great degree of skill.
Alright, alright,
so you keep saying.
Just get on with it
instead of standing there
blowing your own trumpet
all night.
What were you doing?
Nothing.
Right, that's it. I'm off.
Ah, what? Oh, come on.
Come on, we didn't mean any harm.
Only joking, weren't we?
We weren't referring to you,
were we, Ding-Dong?
Well, no, we were talking about,
we were talking about--
About some other werewolf.
It's a big joke to you, isn't it?
Oh yes.
A very big joke. Ha, ha, ha.
Do you realise,
can you possibly have any
conception of what my life is like?
Your life's not your own, you know,
it's not.
You can't be spontaneous.
You should be spontaneous when
you're young, shouldn't you?
I'm only 20 but I can't be!
Spontaneous.
Students bar.
Somebody's organised a party.
"Hey, Eric, do you want to go to
a party, Eric?"
But I can't, you see,
I can't take the chance.
In case you know what happens.
It's a living hell.
Sorry, Eric, we didn't mean
anything by it. Come on, Eric.
Look, we're stuck in here
12 hours a night,
you know, we're unskilled,
we know nothing,
we're just the dregs. I mean,
you know...
Eric, come on.
Come on,
you can't leave him like this.
It makes you wonder, really,
all this blood.
You wouldn't think the human body
could contain it all
but, no, when you come down to it,
we're just a great bag of blood,
a big, sopping wet suitcase
full of blood.
Blood, bone, tissue.
Oh, yes, we've got the lot here.
Perhaps he just likes his work?
ERIC MOANS
Eric? Eric?
You alright, Eric?
I'm fine, thanks.
Eric, come here, come here.
Eric, you promised.
Eric, this is not on.
You can't eat the patient, Eric.
It's unethical.
Besides that it's gotta shorten
his chances of survival,
what's Dr Magdi Yacoub going
to think of this, eh?
Yeah, I know, but you said it would
be alright. Come on, guys...
BOTH: Toilets!
Come on, out. Out you go!
I'm having none of this.
DRAMATIC MUSIC, ALL SHOUTING
HOWLING NOISE
God, he really hurt me, there.
Whinge, whinge, whine, whine.
One little bite from a werewolf
and look at you.
I mean, everybody gets little
things wrong with them
from time to time but they
don't complain.
I mean, I used to asthma
when I was a kid
but I never went on like you,
did I?
Here you are.
He's still breathing.
What shall we do now then?
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
we've got to act fast.
Yeah?
Yeah.
The worst thing to do in a case
like this is to hang about.
That bad, eh?
Mmm.
Failure to act quickly
is the biggest cause of death
in a case like this.
How d'you know that then?
I've read about it, haven't I?
There was this bloke in Russia
who was in the same situation
as Sarge is in now, more or less,
and the people with him, you see,
they hung about, they dithered,
they dathered,
and in the end, due to these
people, these stupid people,
messing about,
he snuffed it.
HEART MONITOR BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY
MONITOR BEEPS NORMALLY
So, where you going then?
What?
On your holidays?
Dunno. Wales, probably.
So, what d'you think
we should do then?
Act fast. If there's one thing
I'm sure of,
I'm sure of that.
We've got to act fast.
God, I'm shattered.
It's only natural.
Takes it out of you,
all this messing
about with werewolves
and operations and stuff.
But I'll tell you one thing,
Ding-Dong,
as sure as eggs is eggs, I'm sure
of this, what we've got to do...
YAWNS
LULLABY PLAYS
We've got to act fast...
Hello?
SARGE CLUCKS
Is there anybody there?
Woo!
Er, what I was saying was,
what we've got to do is--
Act quickly.
What are you doing?
He's done it.
Haven't you, Eric?
No thanks to you two.
I woke up, you know.
See, I told you you'd
cock it up.
I had nobody to pass me
the instruments.
Yeah, big head.
Well, it wasn't my fault, was it?
I--
Who did pass you the instruments?
I did.
Well, it was your fault,
wasn't it?
We should've got
a proper doctor here.
Instead of you
sitting in the toilets
barking your bloody head
off all night.
I wasn't in the toilets all night,
was I?
Some nights it doesn't last as long
as others.
And a good job it doesn't,
isn't it? You two were no help!
Oh, get back to your coffin.
That's not us, that's vampires.
It's all the same,
you're all bloody perverts.
Right, well. I'll be off then.
Very grateful.
Sarge, you did mention a fee.
Of course, yes, here you are.
500 quid.
Money well spent.
Ooh.
I think I better pay a visit.
D'you know...
I feel better already.
What a pity.
Right, well,
I'd better be off then.
Oi, oi, just a minute,
come here.
What's in this bag?Oh, nothing.
Hey, come here, come on,
what's going on with this?
That wouldn't be the Sarge's
kidney, would it?
No, no, no, it's not.
I've got pathology tomorrow
morning
and I just thought I'd do a bit--
Get off, you didn't have it
when you came in.
I did. Look. Guys.
Even if that was
the Sarge's kidney,
theoretically, if that was
the Sarge's kidney,
he wouldn't miss it,
he's got another one.
That doesn't make it right,
does it, Eric?
Eric, look, if Jonny
had two sweets,
and I took one of them,
that wouldn't be fair,
would it, Eric?
Would it?
Look, I've had a look
at the calendar
and there's another
full moon tonight.
So? So, well, it'll save me
going out, won't it?
Come on. What d'you say, hey?
Alright.
500 quid.
You...
I was going to buy a compact
disc player with that.
BELL LAUGHS
BELL AND CARTER LAUGH
But I'll tell you something,
that's the last time I do a heart
bypass operation
for anybody as a favour.
LADS WOOP AND BARK
Get down?
500 quid, that's 250 each.
Oi, oi, we can't cut
the Sarge out.
This is the Sarge's money, we
can't cut the Sarge out, can we?
No?
We can't cut the Sarge out...
Can we?
THUNDER CLAP
What a to-do, eh?
Still, it all turned out
for the best.
By the way, Mr Bell went
on his holidays.
He decided on Spain in the end.
Flashing his spending money about
before he went.
I don't know where these
young lads get it from.
Yes, it's just me and Mr Carter
here at the moment.
Things are quite busy
but we get by.
D'you know, I've just this minute
left him having his dinner.
Smoked salmon and half a bottle
of champagne.
How things change, eh?
At his age, I'd have been glad
of a sarnie and cup of tea.
Well, that's about all the news
from our part of the world
at the moment.
Oh, just one more thing.
The boys bought me a little get
well present.
A cigar.
Nice thought, eh?
They're not bad lads, really,
you know.
Still, I shouldn't be smoking
at all with my complaint.
Some of us never learn.
Evening all.