Nightingales (1990–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Kiss and Make Up - full transcript
Carter wins a date with a glamorous model.
THEME MUSIC
I don't get it. Maybe it's me.
But why Jasper?
Jasper.
You can't design clothes
with a name like Jasper Conran.
Should be something more like
"Wayne".
Or, no, hang on a minute,
"Darren".
Darren Conran, that's it.
What do you think of that, Bell?
Hey, Ding-Dong?
Shut it. I'm trying to write.
This is important, this is.
"Win a year's supply of
fresh flowers.
Yes, a romantic bouquet, every,
yes every, day of the year."
What d'you want to win that for?
Cos if you win flowers,
you can send them to women,
can't you?
Which women? D'you mean your wife?
What the bloody hell do I want
to send her flowers for?
No, you know,
you can send them to...
other women.
Look.
You're in a bar, right? You meet
a woman, have a few drinks.
Then you get a bit dead romantic,
you know,
and then she slaps your face
so you stick her in a taxi, right?
Well, next morning,
she's laying in bed,
feeling a bit, you know,
rueful,
there's a knock on the door,
and there's this florist standing
there with a bunch of flowers.
From you?
No, from the Pope. Of course
it's from you, you daft prat.
What happens then is,
she gets all contrite,
runs round to your house
and asks you out to dinner.
And then what?
Well, that's when you get
your jollies, isn't it?
Jollies.
D'you seriously think
a women's going to fall
for that load of old crap?
This is solid gold, this is,
I'm telling you.
It could well say, "Win a year's
supply of free birds,"
cos that's what you end up with.
Did he say birds?
Oh, how very quaint.
How very swinging-'60s,
how very London-red-bus.
What do you know about it anyway,
poof, you're not married
Mr Bell? Just one point.
When this woman, the one you've
sent the flowers to,
when she comes running round
to your house in the morning
to ask you back to her place
for a meal,
won't your wife be there?
I'll send her down the shops,
won't I?
That's no way to carry on.
Nearly 44 years I've been married
and I've never--
Here, what is it for your
44th anniversary?
I know it's paper for your 1st
and diamond for your 60th
but what is it for your 44th?
Zinc.
You'll have to buy her a bath.
Here, you should do this one.
It's a good one, this is.
I don't want to.
What? "Win a night out with former
page 3 girl, Angela Wilson?"
What d'you want to win that for?
"Yes... Be the envy of every man,
when we whisk you away to one
of the city's top restaurants
for a romantic candlelit
dinner for two
with Angela Wilson, our
current Miss Electrical Goods.
After a successful year promoting
our goods nationwide,
we're sure that you and Angela
will have lots to talk about."
What d'you want to win that for?
No, that's the third prize,
you get a telly and a video
for the first prize
and a set of hand luggage
for the second prize...
The tart's the third prize,
we don't want the tart.
We want the first
or the second prize.
Do you have to say that word?
What?
Tart.
Well, that's what she is, look.
Former page 3 girl, see.
Yeah, must be funny, that.
Taking all your clothes off
in front of strangers.
Well, I've done it.
No, Ding-Dong,
I think the Sarge meant
when they, women, glamour models,
when they do it for a living.
I don't think he was referring
to some impromptu,
drink-fuelled striptease,
performed at one of the low-life
hostelries you frequent.
Oi, bigmouth.
Just do the bloody competition
otherwise
I'll beat your brains out.
Well, since you put it like that.
Sarge, give me a number.
It's not right, you know.
It won't make a bloody difference,
will it, he's dead.
Alright, double five then.
Double five.
Sod it.
Anybody there?
BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Sorry, bus was late.
There's a letter there for you.
Eh?
Yeah, you've got the sack.
I haven't!
I haven't got the sack.
Who said I've got the sack, eh?
Eh?
I haven't got the sack.
I haven't, I haven't got the sack.
What is it then?
It's... Nothing.
It's that stupid competition
you made me do ages ago.
Oh, aye? You haven't won that
telly and a video, have you?
No, no, I haven't won
a telly and a video.
What about the matching
set of hand luggage?
No, it's just
a thank you note for entering,
that's all,
not even third prize, OK?
And once more, a hush falls over
the circus ring.
Yes, even Bepple,
the lovable clown,
ceases his side-splitting antics
for a moment
and watches, spellbound,
as the great Bellini
aims at his beautiful assistant...
ARROW THUDS
Oh, sod it.
Sarge, would there be a chance
of a night off on the 25th?
We don't have nights off,
you know that.
Yeah, I know, but this
is a special case, you see.
There's a kid in our block,
he's not been very well lately,
and he never complains though,
he's always got a little smile
on his face.
Anyway, he's sitting out of his
flat the other day,
smiling, you know,
not complaining, as usual,
sitting in his... Wheelchair.
And, er...
And he must be feeling a bit
lonely lately
cos he looked me straight in the
eyes, smiling and not complaining,
and he said,
"Any chance of a romantic
candlelit dinner on the 25th?"
BOTH: You've won that third prize,
haven't you?
No, I haven't!
Tell him he can't go, Sarge,
he's got to stay here with us!
But listen--
Can't go and that's that.
Right. Fine. OK. Lovely.
I understand.
The rules of the game.
No time off.
I knew that when I took the job.
OK, fair's fair, it's just
my hard luck. OK.
So I can't go then?
BOTH: No.
You stupid, rotten, dirty,
filthy bastards.
Show us the letter.
Light your pipe with it!
Oh, no, no. Hang on, hang on.
It says here,
"You've won a night out
with Miss Angela Wilson."
Well, that is incredible
cos I could have sworn,
when I read it,
I'd won a night out
with Miss Angela Wilson.
No, no, no, what I mean is,
if you can't go to her,
why doesn't she come to you?
Us.
Yes!
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC
Anybody there?
# There's nobody here
but us chickens #
It's raining.
Yeah, I know, we're just going
to have to improvise, that's all.
Dear, did you get that meat?
Yeah.
There you go.
Oh God, I'm so nervous.
I hardly slept all day.
Been pacing my room for hours.
I don't know what you're making
such a fuss about, lad.
It's only a girl.
What's that, then?
What? Oh.
Oh this, yeah. I forgot me tie.
Pullover. You know how you
misplace things.
Believe it or not,
these were the first things
I could lay me hands on.
You wouldn't be wearing it to
impress this Miss Wilson then?
I'm happily married, lad.
Miss Wilson wouldn't be interested
in an old man like me.
No, she wouldn't.
It's raining.
Me fireworks got soaked!
What?
Oh, yeah.
Had a bit of trouble
with me old trousers.
Oh yeah, what?
I had to use them to put out
a fire.
SARGE CHUCKLES
Yeah, dead strange, it was.
I was sitting at home, in me front
room, just lighting up a fag.
And this little dog jumped through
the window
and nudged me elbow,
and, you're not going
to believe this,
I picked up this bottle
of paraffin--
Oh God, it's pathetic,
you're trying to impress Miss
Wilson as well, aren't you?
You're just as bad,
you've got your best uniform on.
No, I haven't, I just threw
this one on, that's all.
Seven o'clock. Miss Wilson,
she should be here.
I suppose I'd better slip down
and meet her.
BOTH: What we gonna do?
Well, I suppose you two had better
stay here and finish tidying up.
Hey.
What?
What are we?
What?
Devils, that's what we are.
Would you stop doing that?
Eh?
That hurt.
And that!
Well, stop it then.
You stop it.
GRUNTING AND SCUFFLING
Anybody there?
BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Gentlemen, please.
This is Miss Wilson.
This is Mr Carter.
And this is Mr Bell.
Well...
I've never been
on a dinner date like this before.
This is a first for me.
Is Nick here?
He might be.
Who's Nick?
Oh, Nick, Nick the photographer.
Photographer? Photograph?
Why does he want photographs?
I've not done anything wrong.
Oh, no, it's just
for the trade papers,
you know, me shaking your hand.
Miss Wilson, take a seat.
Thank you.
If you don't mind, we,
that is, the lads and I,
have prepared a little
entertainment
for your discernment.
Oh, lovely.
# London's burning
London's burning
# Call the engine
Call the engine
# Fire fire
Fire fire
# Fire fire
Fire fire
# Pour on water
Pour on water
# London's burning
London's burning
# London's burning
London's burning #
Very nice.
CARTER AND BELL SINGING
Very nice.
Sarge, how's that barbecue
coming along?
Blimey, it's putting out
some heat.
Briquettes, Miss Wilson,
briquettes.
Charcoal on the barbecue...
Briquettes, we find them more
satisfactory, is that alright?
Yeah.
How do you like your steak done?
Do you like it well done,
medium, or bleu?
Actually, I'm not
all that hungry.
You've got to eat something,
Miss Wilson.
Oh, come on, there's not a pick
on you, you're wasting away.
I've got to watch my figure,
you know.
I mean, I can put on weight
just by looking at food.
Yes, it's a constant battle
with me, weight.
Chocolate, that's my downfall.
And it's no good just dieting
either, I have to work out.
Work out?
Yeah, you know, exercise.
At a gym. Mm, dance centre,
that's where all the girls go.
Well, all the girls
in my line of work.
I mean, we have to look after
our bodies, don't we?
Have... Have you got
your own leotard?
PHONE RINGS
Why doesn't somebody answer it?
Go on, I answered it last week.
Hello.
Hello, Nick? Nick?
Oh, it's Nick,
Nick the photographer.
Hello, Nick, it's me.
You're where? No, no, you're miles
out of your way.
No, listen.
Carry on down where you are,
you'll come to a crossroads.
Turn right.
That'll bring you back where you
were before.
Nick, Nick. Don't turn left.
He don't wanna turn left?
No, you don't wanna turn left.
That'll bring you to the estate.
You don't wanna go there,
you don't wanna go there, Nick.
Whatever you do, don't turn left,
turn right.
That's it. Right.
That was Nick.
This Nick, Miss Wilson.
He's your boyfriend, is he?
Nick? No!
Nick's not my boyfriend,
Nick's gay.
What?
Nick lives with Terry.
They share the same bed.
You mean, this other bloke's
his brother?
Nah, Ding-Dong...
I think
he's a friend of Dorothea's.
You mean, he's a poof?
Here, he'd get on well with you,
wouldn't he?
He's like that, he's not married,
either.
Oh, deary me, what a gay day.
Here, Sarge, it's backs to the
wall when Nick turns up, isn't it?
If you drop any
loose change on the floor,
don't bend down to pick it up,
you never know what
might happen!
Well, I'm sorry.
But I don't find that in the least
bit amusing.
I just hate that sort of thing,
it's so moronic.
Nick's a very good friend of mine.
He made me say it.
He made me say it, Miss Wilson.
Come on, Mr Carter,
let's take a little look around.
You did, you paid me to say it.
It's like a cauldron, this.
It's, ooh-- White hot!
I dread to think what'll happen
when we put a kebab on it.
Look, about just now,
you know,
about what I said, you know.
About Nick. No, that sort of thing
doesn't bother me at all.
We had a lad like that in my class
when I was at school.
Fair-haired kid, he was.
Used to go roller-skating!
BELL SNORTS
And that meant he was gay, did it?
No, no, no.
Not all the time.
Look, you've got the wrong idea
about me, you know.
I mean seem a bit rough and ready
but it's...
This place, it's this job.
I get no time to read, you know,
to go to the theatre,
and watch films, and stuff.
Do you like films? I love films.
And me, yeah. I love films, me.
I'm always watching films.
Oh, have you seen any lately?
Yeah, I did see this film once.
Oh, tell me about it.
Well...
There was this bloke.
Yes?
Wearing a woman's dress.
And he was riding on this horse
with a big lump on its back.
They were on this beach.
Well, it was, you know, sand.
And all these wogs
were chasing after him.
You mean 'Lawrence of Arabia'?
That's it, yeah, yeah!
See, we're getting on alright,
now, aren't we?
Now, it's no use shouting at me,
Nick.
We told you to turn left.
He's on that estate.
Yes. Now, calm down, calm down.
What's that?
Some people are using your car
for a road block?
And they've set fire to it first?
Why do they always do that?
The car's just as good a road
block without being set on fire.
What?
Somebody's knocking on
your phone box?
And he's got a what?
That's illegal, he shouldn't have
one of those.
Yeah? Oh, he wants you to give him
your wallet?
Oh, that's tricky. Yeah.
Well, has the wallet got
any sentimental value?
Could you not just give him
the contents of the wallet?
Is there nobody there
to arbitrate?
Hello? Nick?
Pips have gone.
Drives you mad, that, doesn't it?
Well, he'll be alright, though?
He'll be here soon?
Oh, I should think so, yes.
Undoubtedly. Probably.
You know, it's a funny business,
that.
I can't make head or tail of it.
Head nor tail of what?
No, it's just this thing
I was reading.
Er, d'you know that some women
apparently prefer older men?
Yeah, incredible, isn't it?
Anyway, that's what
this thing said.
It said that older men
were more mature,
had seen more of life,
were more relaxed.
Fancy that, eh?
Some young women actually prefer
an older man.
Ooh, I don't know how they could.
I'd throw up.
Yes, I think I'll just take
a look around.
Funny job you lot have got.
What do you do with yourself
during the day?
Me? Oh, all sorts.
Sleep, read, catch up with
my correspondence.
Might meet a friend for a bite
of lunch at an art gallery.
There's not enough hours
in the day, really.
Look, about what my mate Ding-Dong
said just now,
about me being, you know, well...
I'm not, see.
I mean, not that there's anything
wrong in being... But I'm not.
I know you're not.
Yeah.
SHE YAWNS
Sorry, had an early session
this morning.
Session?
Yeah, modelling session with Nick.
Glamour work.
And here's me saying I'll never
do it when I reach 30.
Went well, did it, your session?
No, actually, I had a bit
of an argument with Nick.
What, backdrop didn't suit?
Wasn't the backdrop, it was Nick.
Yeah.
He wanted me to assume a position
that in all honesty, I couldn't see
myself agreeing to.
So...
So, what happened, then?
Oh, well, you compromise,
don't you?
Have you ever modelled?
You could've, you know.
Me?
I was offered a sort of
modelling job once.
Yeah, this bloke
came up to me in the street
and gave me a piece of paper
with an address on it.
I didn't follow it through,
though. Oh, why not?
I was with me Mum, had to carry
her shopping, didn't I?
Where the other two gone?
Walk about.
What's that?
Walking about, you know,
looking in empty offices. Why?
To see if there's anybody there.
And is there?
No, of course not.
What's the point in you being
here, then? Well, it's obvious.
To prevent anybody
else being here.
If we weren't here,
somebody else would be here
who shouldn't be here,
that's why we're here.
Ooh, they might not though?
No, they might not but then again
they might, that's why we're here.
Doesn't sound much of a job to me.
We can't all be in your league,
can we?
Not all of us are
cut out to provide
such a vital service
as yourself, are we?
There's nothing wrong with my job.
Oh no, it's very important.
Just think, if you lot went
on strike, there'd be chaos,
wouldn't there?
The whole country
would grind to a halt.
Oh, all I said-- Look, we've gone
to a lot of trouble for you.
Singing songs,
letting off fireworks.
Where d'you think that meat
came from?
Doesn't grow on trees, you know.
And you've got the cheek
to walk in here,
start making snide innuendos
about our job.
Oh, look-- And the funny thing is,
we didn't even want you!
You were 3rd prize,
you realise that, eh?
The tart, 3rd prize!
We wanted the TV and the video.
We'd have even settled
for the matching hand luggage!
SHE CRIES
Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Wilson.
Anybody there?
ALL: # There's nobody
here but us chickens #
He made me say it, Miss Wilson,
he made me say it.
Here, what's the matter?
Come on, Miss Wilson,
buy yourself a bunch of flowers.
SHE CRIES
Now, now, Miss Wilson,
nothing can ever be that bad.
Look, I didn't mean anything--
No, no, it's alright.
It's not you, it's me.
I can't stand this job.
I don't know why I do it.
Having to promote some stupid
product I couldn't care less about.
Having to meet people like you.
Well, perhaps it would be possible
for you to find
a situation more suited
to your particular talents.
Well, I've tried, haven't I?
Haven't got the right voice for it,
they said.
What job's this,
then, Miss Wilson?
I've always wanted to work
on a makeup counter.
You know, demonstrating.
I've always wanted to demonstrate.
Demonstrate?
To describe or explain by the use
of specimens or experiments.
That's it, yeah, demonstrate.
Haven't got the right voice for it,
my voice is too common,
and I've been
to hundreds of interviews,
and I can do the job, I can,
and they won't let me,
they won't give me a chance.
You could demonstrate for us,
if you want.
What?
Yeah, you can give
us a demonstration.
Yeah, be our demonstrator.
Well, I suppose I could.
If you don't mind.
I'd need a model, though,
to demonstrate on.
Lovely.
Nearly finished, ladies, if you'll
just bear with me.
And there we are, ladies.
Now, any questions? Come on,
don't be shy.
Yes, madam. The lady there.
Have you any tips
for the older woman?
Yes, three words.
Don't overdo it.
Oh, I know the temptations
but I can assure you
a light foundation,
plenty of moisturiser,
and a sprinkling of powder
can have you OAPs looking 18 again.
PHONE RINGS
Not now, Nick.
Next question?
I've got one.
Yes, madam.
I'm quite an avid swimmer,
do you have any--
Waterproof mascara? A must.
I mean, we don't want to be seen
climbing out of that pool
looking like a panda, do we?
ALL LAUGH
You'd look like a panda?
And, ladies, do, I beg you,
please,
remember to take that makeup
off at night.
Yeah, er, it's seven.
Seven?
Yeah, we always leave at seven.
Oh...
Oh well.
It's been nice.
Yeah.
We must do it again sometime.
Well, I better be off then.
I was gonna get a lift with Nick
but I suppose
I'll have to catch a bus now.
Oh, no. Wouldn't dream of it.
I'll hail you a taxi.
Here, I'll take your handbag.
Here's your coat.
Well, I better be off then.
Yup.
Look, I was just--
Do you...
D'you fancy a drink sometime?
Yeah--
A drink? Well, that's a bit
difficult, see,
cos I work here all night and then
I sleep here during the day.
It's a bit difficult.
Oh well. Just a thought.
Bye then.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Nick.
You're what?
You're being held to ransom?
If we don't pay up, they're going
to send us your what?
Oh, dear.
What would we want with that?
Eh?
Nick, Nick?
Just look on it as a learning
experience, eh? Eh?
Hey!
What?
We did it.
We did, we're mad.
We bloody did it. We're mad,
we're mad and bad.
Stop it, that hurt.
LADS SCUFFLING
CARTER SCREAMS
I don't get it. Maybe it's me.
But why Jasper?
Jasper.
You can't design clothes
with a name like Jasper Conran.
Should be something more like
"Wayne".
Or, no, hang on a minute,
"Darren".
Darren Conran, that's it.
What do you think of that, Bell?
Hey, Ding-Dong?
Shut it. I'm trying to write.
This is important, this is.
"Win a year's supply of
fresh flowers.
Yes, a romantic bouquet, every,
yes every, day of the year."
What d'you want to win that for?
Cos if you win flowers,
you can send them to women,
can't you?
Which women? D'you mean your wife?
What the bloody hell do I want
to send her flowers for?
No, you know,
you can send them to...
other women.
Look.
You're in a bar, right? You meet
a woman, have a few drinks.
Then you get a bit dead romantic,
you know,
and then she slaps your face
so you stick her in a taxi, right?
Well, next morning,
she's laying in bed,
feeling a bit, you know,
rueful,
there's a knock on the door,
and there's this florist standing
there with a bunch of flowers.
From you?
No, from the Pope. Of course
it's from you, you daft prat.
What happens then is,
she gets all contrite,
runs round to your house
and asks you out to dinner.
And then what?
Well, that's when you get
your jollies, isn't it?
Jollies.
D'you seriously think
a women's going to fall
for that load of old crap?
This is solid gold, this is,
I'm telling you.
It could well say, "Win a year's
supply of free birds,"
cos that's what you end up with.
Did he say birds?
Oh, how very quaint.
How very swinging-'60s,
how very London-red-bus.
What do you know about it anyway,
poof, you're not married
Mr Bell? Just one point.
When this woman, the one you've
sent the flowers to,
when she comes running round
to your house in the morning
to ask you back to her place
for a meal,
won't your wife be there?
I'll send her down the shops,
won't I?
That's no way to carry on.
Nearly 44 years I've been married
and I've never--
Here, what is it for your
44th anniversary?
I know it's paper for your 1st
and diamond for your 60th
but what is it for your 44th?
Zinc.
You'll have to buy her a bath.
Here, you should do this one.
It's a good one, this is.
I don't want to.
What? "Win a night out with former
page 3 girl, Angela Wilson?"
What d'you want to win that for?
"Yes... Be the envy of every man,
when we whisk you away to one
of the city's top restaurants
for a romantic candlelit
dinner for two
with Angela Wilson, our
current Miss Electrical Goods.
After a successful year promoting
our goods nationwide,
we're sure that you and Angela
will have lots to talk about."
What d'you want to win that for?
No, that's the third prize,
you get a telly and a video
for the first prize
and a set of hand luggage
for the second prize...
The tart's the third prize,
we don't want the tart.
We want the first
or the second prize.
Do you have to say that word?
What?
Tart.
Well, that's what she is, look.
Former page 3 girl, see.
Yeah, must be funny, that.
Taking all your clothes off
in front of strangers.
Well, I've done it.
No, Ding-Dong,
I think the Sarge meant
when they, women, glamour models,
when they do it for a living.
I don't think he was referring
to some impromptu,
drink-fuelled striptease,
performed at one of the low-life
hostelries you frequent.
Oi, bigmouth.
Just do the bloody competition
otherwise
I'll beat your brains out.
Well, since you put it like that.
Sarge, give me a number.
It's not right, you know.
It won't make a bloody difference,
will it, he's dead.
Alright, double five then.
Double five.
Sod it.
Anybody there?
BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Sorry, bus was late.
There's a letter there for you.
Eh?
Yeah, you've got the sack.
I haven't!
I haven't got the sack.
Who said I've got the sack, eh?
Eh?
I haven't got the sack.
I haven't, I haven't got the sack.
What is it then?
It's... Nothing.
It's that stupid competition
you made me do ages ago.
Oh, aye? You haven't won that
telly and a video, have you?
No, no, I haven't won
a telly and a video.
What about the matching
set of hand luggage?
No, it's just
a thank you note for entering,
that's all,
not even third prize, OK?
And once more, a hush falls over
the circus ring.
Yes, even Bepple,
the lovable clown,
ceases his side-splitting antics
for a moment
and watches, spellbound,
as the great Bellini
aims at his beautiful assistant...
ARROW THUDS
Oh, sod it.
Sarge, would there be a chance
of a night off on the 25th?
We don't have nights off,
you know that.
Yeah, I know, but this
is a special case, you see.
There's a kid in our block,
he's not been very well lately,
and he never complains though,
he's always got a little smile
on his face.
Anyway, he's sitting out of his
flat the other day,
smiling, you know,
not complaining, as usual,
sitting in his... Wheelchair.
And, er...
And he must be feeling a bit
lonely lately
cos he looked me straight in the
eyes, smiling and not complaining,
and he said,
"Any chance of a romantic
candlelit dinner on the 25th?"
BOTH: You've won that third prize,
haven't you?
No, I haven't!
Tell him he can't go, Sarge,
he's got to stay here with us!
But listen--
Can't go and that's that.
Right. Fine. OK. Lovely.
I understand.
The rules of the game.
No time off.
I knew that when I took the job.
OK, fair's fair, it's just
my hard luck. OK.
So I can't go then?
BOTH: No.
You stupid, rotten, dirty,
filthy bastards.
Show us the letter.
Light your pipe with it!
Oh, no, no. Hang on, hang on.
It says here,
"You've won a night out
with Miss Angela Wilson."
Well, that is incredible
cos I could have sworn,
when I read it,
I'd won a night out
with Miss Angela Wilson.
No, no, no, what I mean is,
if you can't go to her,
why doesn't she come to you?
Us.
Yes!
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC
Anybody there?
# There's nobody here
but us chickens #
It's raining.
Yeah, I know, we're just going
to have to improvise, that's all.
Dear, did you get that meat?
Yeah.
There you go.
Oh God, I'm so nervous.
I hardly slept all day.
Been pacing my room for hours.
I don't know what you're making
such a fuss about, lad.
It's only a girl.
What's that, then?
What? Oh.
Oh this, yeah. I forgot me tie.
Pullover. You know how you
misplace things.
Believe it or not,
these were the first things
I could lay me hands on.
You wouldn't be wearing it to
impress this Miss Wilson then?
I'm happily married, lad.
Miss Wilson wouldn't be interested
in an old man like me.
No, she wouldn't.
It's raining.
Me fireworks got soaked!
What?
Oh, yeah.
Had a bit of trouble
with me old trousers.
Oh yeah, what?
I had to use them to put out
a fire.
SARGE CHUCKLES
Yeah, dead strange, it was.
I was sitting at home, in me front
room, just lighting up a fag.
And this little dog jumped through
the window
and nudged me elbow,
and, you're not going
to believe this,
I picked up this bottle
of paraffin--
Oh God, it's pathetic,
you're trying to impress Miss
Wilson as well, aren't you?
You're just as bad,
you've got your best uniform on.
No, I haven't, I just threw
this one on, that's all.
Seven o'clock. Miss Wilson,
she should be here.
I suppose I'd better slip down
and meet her.
BOTH: What we gonna do?
Well, I suppose you two had better
stay here and finish tidying up.
Hey.
What?
What are we?
What?
Devils, that's what we are.
Would you stop doing that?
Eh?
That hurt.
And that!
Well, stop it then.
You stop it.
GRUNTING AND SCUFFLING
Anybody there?
BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Gentlemen, please.
This is Miss Wilson.
This is Mr Carter.
And this is Mr Bell.
Well...
I've never been
on a dinner date like this before.
This is a first for me.
Is Nick here?
He might be.
Who's Nick?
Oh, Nick, Nick the photographer.
Photographer? Photograph?
Why does he want photographs?
I've not done anything wrong.
Oh, no, it's just
for the trade papers,
you know, me shaking your hand.
Miss Wilson, take a seat.
Thank you.
If you don't mind, we,
that is, the lads and I,
have prepared a little
entertainment
for your discernment.
Oh, lovely.
# London's burning
London's burning
# Call the engine
Call the engine
# Fire fire
Fire fire
# Fire fire
Fire fire
# Pour on water
Pour on water
# London's burning
London's burning
# London's burning
London's burning #
Very nice.
CARTER AND BELL SINGING
Very nice.
Sarge, how's that barbecue
coming along?
Blimey, it's putting out
some heat.
Briquettes, Miss Wilson,
briquettes.
Charcoal on the barbecue...
Briquettes, we find them more
satisfactory, is that alright?
Yeah.
How do you like your steak done?
Do you like it well done,
medium, or bleu?
Actually, I'm not
all that hungry.
You've got to eat something,
Miss Wilson.
Oh, come on, there's not a pick
on you, you're wasting away.
I've got to watch my figure,
you know.
I mean, I can put on weight
just by looking at food.
Yes, it's a constant battle
with me, weight.
Chocolate, that's my downfall.
And it's no good just dieting
either, I have to work out.
Work out?
Yeah, you know, exercise.
At a gym. Mm, dance centre,
that's where all the girls go.
Well, all the girls
in my line of work.
I mean, we have to look after
our bodies, don't we?
Have... Have you got
your own leotard?
PHONE RINGS
Why doesn't somebody answer it?
Go on, I answered it last week.
Hello.
Hello, Nick? Nick?
Oh, it's Nick,
Nick the photographer.
Hello, Nick, it's me.
You're where? No, no, you're miles
out of your way.
No, listen.
Carry on down where you are,
you'll come to a crossroads.
Turn right.
That'll bring you back where you
were before.
Nick, Nick. Don't turn left.
He don't wanna turn left?
No, you don't wanna turn left.
That'll bring you to the estate.
You don't wanna go there,
you don't wanna go there, Nick.
Whatever you do, don't turn left,
turn right.
That's it. Right.
That was Nick.
This Nick, Miss Wilson.
He's your boyfriend, is he?
Nick? No!
Nick's not my boyfriend,
Nick's gay.
What?
Nick lives with Terry.
They share the same bed.
You mean, this other bloke's
his brother?
Nah, Ding-Dong...
I think
he's a friend of Dorothea's.
You mean, he's a poof?
Here, he'd get on well with you,
wouldn't he?
He's like that, he's not married,
either.
Oh, deary me, what a gay day.
Here, Sarge, it's backs to the
wall when Nick turns up, isn't it?
If you drop any
loose change on the floor,
don't bend down to pick it up,
you never know what
might happen!
Well, I'm sorry.
But I don't find that in the least
bit amusing.
I just hate that sort of thing,
it's so moronic.
Nick's a very good friend of mine.
He made me say it.
He made me say it, Miss Wilson.
Come on, Mr Carter,
let's take a little look around.
You did, you paid me to say it.
It's like a cauldron, this.
It's, ooh-- White hot!
I dread to think what'll happen
when we put a kebab on it.
Look, about just now,
you know,
about what I said, you know.
About Nick. No, that sort of thing
doesn't bother me at all.
We had a lad like that in my class
when I was at school.
Fair-haired kid, he was.
Used to go roller-skating!
BELL SNORTS
And that meant he was gay, did it?
No, no, no.
Not all the time.
Look, you've got the wrong idea
about me, you know.
I mean seem a bit rough and ready
but it's...
This place, it's this job.
I get no time to read, you know,
to go to the theatre,
and watch films, and stuff.
Do you like films? I love films.
And me, yeah. I love films, me.
I'm always watching films.
Oh, have you seen any lately?
Yeah, I did see this film once.
Oh, tell me about it.
Well...
There was this bloke.
Yes?
Wearing a woman's dress.
And he was riding on this horse
with a big lump on its back.
They were on this beach.
Well, it was, you know, sand.
And all these wogs
were chasing after him.
You mean 'Lawrence of Arabia'?
That's it, yeah, yeah!
See, we're getting on alright,
now, aren't we?
Now, it's no use shouting at me,
Nick.
We told you to turn left.
He's on that estate.
Yes. Now, calm down, calm down.
What's that?
Some people are using your car
for a road block?
And they've set fire to it first?
Why do they always do that?
The car's just as good a road
block without being set on fire.
What?
Somebody's knocking on
your phone box?
And he's got a what?
That's illegal, he shouldn't have
one of those.
Yeah? Oh, he wants you to give him
your wallet?
Oh, that's tricky. Yeah.
Well, has the wallet got
any sentimental value?
Could you not just give him
the contents of the wallet?
Is there nobody there
to arbitrate?
Hello? Nick?
Pips have gone.
Drives you mad, that, doesn't it?
Well, he'll be alright, though?
He'll be here soon?
Oh, I should think so, yes.
Undoubtedly. Probably.
You know, it's a funny business,
that.
I can't make head or tail of it.
Head nor tail of what?
No, it's just this thing
I was reading.
Er, d'you know that some women
apparently prefer older men?
Yeah, incredible, isn't it?
Anyway, that's what
this thing said.
It said that older men
were more mature,
had seen more of life,
were more relaxed.
Fancy that, eh?
Some young women actually prefer
an older man.
Ooh, I don't know how they could.
I'd throw up.
Yes, I think I'll just take
a look around.
Funny job you lot have got.
What do you do with yourself
during the day?
Me? Oh, all sorts.
Sleep, read, catch up with
my correspondence.
Might meet a friend for a bite
of lunch at an art gallery.
There's not enough hours
in the day, really.
Look, about what my mate Ding-Dong
said just now,
about me being, you know, well...
I'm not, see.
I mean, not that there's anything
wrong in being... But I'm not.
I know you're not.
Yeah.
SHE YAWNS
Sorry, had an early session
this morning.
Session?
Yeah, modelling session with Nick.
Glamour work.
And here's me saying I'll never
do it when I reach 30.
Went well, did it, your session?
No, actually, I had a bit
of an argument with Nick.
What, backdrop didn't suit?
Wasn't the backdrop, it was Nick.
Yeah.
He wanted me to assume a position
that in all honesty, I couldn't see
myself agreeing to.
So...
So, what happened, then?
Oh, well, you compromise,
don't you?
Have you ever modelled?
You could've, you know.
Me?
I was offered a sort of
modelling job once.
Yeah, this bloke
came up to me in the street
and gave me a piece of paper
with an address on it.
I didn't follow it through,
though. Oh, why not?
I was with me Mum, had to carry
her shopping, didn't I?
Where the other two gone?
Walk about.
What's that?
Walking about, you know,
looking in empty offices. Why?
To see if there's anybody there.
And is there?
No, of course not.
What's the point in you being
here, then? Well, it's obvious.
To prevent anybody
else being here.
If we weren't here,
somebody else would be here
who shouldn't be here,
that's why we're here.
Ooh, they might not though?
No, they might not but then again
they might, that's why we're here.
Doesn't sound much of a job to me.
We can't all be in your league,
can we?
Not all of us are
cut out to provide
such a vital service
as yourself, are we?
There's nothing wrong with my job.
Oh no, it's very important.
Just think, if you lot went
on strike, there'd be chaos,
wouldn't there?
The whole country
would grind to a halt.
Oh, all I said-- Look, we've gone
to a lot of trouble for you.
Singing songs,
letting off fireworks.
Where d'you think that meat
came from?
Doesn't grow on trees, you know.
And you've got the cheek
to walk in here,
start making snide innuendos
about our job.
Oh, look-- And the funny thing is,
we didn't even want you!
You were 3rd prize,
you realise that, eh?
The tart, 3rd prize!
We wanted the TV and the video.
We'd have even settled
for the matching hand luggage!
SHE CRIES
Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Wilson.
Anybody there?
ALL: # There's nobody
here but us chickens #
He made me say it, Miss Wilson,
he made me say it.
Here, what's the matter?
Come on, Miss Wilson,
buy yourself a bunch of flowers.
SHE CRIES
Now, now, Miss Wilson,
nothing can ever be that bad.
Look, I didn't mean anything--
No, no, it's alright.
It's not you, it's me.
I can't stand this job.
I don't know why I do it.
Having to promote some stupid
product I couldn't care less about.
Having to meet people like you.
Well, perhaps it would be possible
for you to find
a situation more suited
to your particular talents.
Well, I've tried, haven't I?
Haven't got the right voice for it,
they said.
What job's this,
then, Miss Wilson?
I've always wanted to work
on a makeup counter.
You know, demonstrating.
I've always wanted to demonstrate.
Demonstrate?
To describe or explain by the use
of specimens or experiments.
That's it, yeah, demonstrate.
Haven't got the right voice for it,
my voice is too common,
and I've been
to hundreds of interviews,
and I can do the job, I can,
and they won't let me,
they won't give me a chance.
You could demonstrate for us,
if you want.
What?
Yeah, you can give
us a demonstration.
Yeah, be our demonstrator.
Well, I suppose I could.
If you don't mind.
I'd need a model, though,
to demonstrate on.
Lovely.
Nearly finished, ladies, if you'll
just bear with me.
And there we are, ladies.
Now, any questions? Come on,
don't be shy.
Yes, madam. The lady there.
Have you any tips
for the older woman?
Yes, three words.
Don't overdo it.
Oh, I know the temptations
but I can assure you
a light foundation,
plenty of moisturiser,
and a sprinkling of powder
can have you OAPs looking 18 again.
PHONE RINGS
Not now, Nick.
Next question?
I've got one.
Yes, madam.
I'm quite an avid swimmer,
do you have any--
Waterproof mascara? A must.
I mean, we don't want to be seen
climbing out of that pool
looking like a panda, do we?
ALL LAUGH
You'd look like a panda?
And, ladies, do, I beg you,
please,
remember to take that makeup
off at night.
Yeah, er, it's seven.
Seven?
Yeah, we always leave at seven.
Oh...
Oh well.
It's been nice.
Yeah.
We must do it again sometime.
Well, I better be off then.
I was gonna get a lift with Nick
but I suppose
I'll have to catch a bus now.
Oh, no. Wouldn't dream of it.
I'll hail you a taxi.
Here, I'll take your handbag.
Here's your coat.
Well, I better be off then.
Yup.
Look, I was just--
Do you...
D'you fancy a drink sometime?
Yeah--
A drink? Well, that's a bit
difficult, see,
cos I work here all night and then
I sleep here during the day.
It's a bit difficult.
Oh well. Just a thought.
Bye then.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Nick.
You're what?
You're being held to ransom?
If we don't pay up, they're going
to send us your what?
Oh, dear.
What would we want with that?
Eh?
Nick, Nick?
Just look on it as a learning
experience, eh? Eh?
Hey!
What?
We did it.
We did, we're mad.
We bloody did it. We're mad,
we're mad and bad.
Stop it, that hurt.
LADS SCUFFLING
CARTER SCREAMS