Nightingales (1990–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Takeaway - full transcript
Carter & Bell take the guise of Shakespearian villains to do away with Piper.
THEME MUSIC
Well, what you got?
Pair of fours.
Pair of fives.
You lost. Old Bell lost out.
Old Ding-Dong lucked out.
Do not pass go, do not collect
200 pounds.
Sod off!
Look, don't start quoting
EM Forster to me
because you lost.
Half past 11. Where's he got
to with that food?
I wonder what Peter Stringfellow's
doing tonight.
Yeah... Probably vetting somebody
at the door, I reckon.
God, I hate this job.
I'm dying by the minute.
Do you realise that, eh?
Dying by the minute.
Sarge, do you realise that, eh?
Ah, come on now, lad.
Let's take
a little look around, eh.
BOTH: Not now.
I had a woman today.
Who did?
I did.
In the park, it was, she wanted
to know if I had a corkscrew.
Oh, a sophisticated sort, yeah.
Yeah, we just got talking,
you know,
and then we went back to her
place. Yeah, yeah.
Didn't have anything in it.
Just these floorboards,
you know, this old mattress
on the floor.
Gets better, go on.
We finished off a few lagers
and then we drank
this bottle of sherry
and then we...
we did it on this mattress.
That's lovely.
Just like 'Brief Encounter'.
God, you're disgusting.
Here, what about your wife?
Oh, she took the kids
to the safari park for the day.
What, the one with the giraffe?
Yeah but that's dead now.
They've got these two mandrills
instead.
They push each other up and down
in this rubber tyre all day.
Well, as long as they're happy.
Mind you, there was
a bit of an upset,
little Gary fell out of the car
and got attacked by a lion.
You should sue.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm telling you,
they're responsible,
you could be in for thousands,
have a word with your solicitor.
Yeah. Alright.
I'll think about it.
Yeah, you ought to.
He was alright though, was he,
your Gary? Gary, he's alright?
Yeah, you know what kids are like,
kick up a fuss about anything.
The wife stopped off
at a Little Chef on the way home
and washed
the blood off him in the toilet.
Come on now, lads. Chop, chop.
Let's have a look around, eh?
BOTH: Not now.
What did you do today, then?
Me? I slept in.
Went round an art gallery.
What, I don't get it,
how can you spend your time
looking at stupid pictures?
What, are they nude women?
No, they are not nude women,
Ding-Dong.
What, nude men, then, eh?
Do you like looking at men
in the nude, is that it?
Hey, Sarge,
what about old Carter, then?
He likes looking at men
in the nude, eh?
Would you like to wash me down
in the bath, would you, eh?
Would you like to play with me
rubber duck,
quack quack, would you, eh? Eh?
Go away.
Oi, don't push it, alright?
Oh, come on now, lads,
for goodness' sake.
Remember where we are, please.
We are supposed to be doing a job,
remember?
The public rely on us so they can
sleep easy in their beds.
God help them, then,
that's all I can say.
This isn't a holiday home,
you know.
You're paid to come here.
We are supplying a service.
We are security guards.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
BOTH: No.
Don't you think, as you're paid
to be security guards,
that that's what you ought to do?
BOTH: No.
Well, fair enough, then. So long
as I know where I stand.
PIPER: Anybody home?
ALL: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Here he is, it's that man again.
Here, Piper, did you get it all?
Yes, I think so.
Who was the saveloy and chips?
That's me.
Here, I got chased again tonight,
d'you know?
You didn't? That is--
There's no respect for age
anymore, is there?
No, I know.
Steak and kidney pie.
You know, that is terrible,
that is, Dad.
I'm 72 years old.
They don't care.
I know they don't. I wish
I could get hold of them.
Fish, chips and peas.
Oh, that's mine.
SARGE CLEARS THROAT
Anything there for me, gentlemen?
Sorry, Sarge, I got confused.
Oh, that's quite alright.
It doesn't matter, I've got some
biscuits here.
You can share mine, if you like.
No, no, that's quite alright.
But thank you all the same,
Mr Piper.
Alright, are they, Sarge,
those biscuits, alright?
Yeah, not bad, lad, not bad.
BELL CHUCKLING
I think I'll take them with me,
have a little look around.
See what's going on.
You wouldn't care to join me
when you're ready, would you,
gentlemen?
BOTH: No.
Oh. Righty-ho.
What did you do today, then, Pop?
Oh, I've been ever so busy today.
I had a bath,
and I went to the library.
I got me pension,
and I paid the rent,
and I bought the wife a lovely pair
of pink bed socks.
That's lovely. How is she these
days? Arthritis, isn't it?
Oh, not so good.
She mostly stays in bed
all the time now.
She's got a kettle and a portable
telly with her in there.
And little Sandy the dog,
he keeps her company.
She calls him
her little hot water bottle.
Eh?
That's nice, that is.
No, it's not.
D'you get out much these days,
then?
No, what with us living on
the 18th floor and all,
and the lift
always being out of order,
it's a bit difficult for us.
Still, it's not all bad.
We get carol singers knocking
at the door at Christmas
and that always cheers her up.
50 years we've been married,
you know.
I don't know what
I'll do if anything happens to her!
BOTH COMFORT PIPER
Cheer up, mate, she's got years
in her yet.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
It's alright, it's alright.
That's terrible, that is.
Oh, they don't care, do they, eh?
Makes you want to vomit.
The old and the sick.
Hide them away somewhere.
Well, they're not cost effective,
are they?
That's what it comes down
to in the end.
They don't care,
they don't give a toss
they're just a bunch
of Shakespearean villains,
that's all they are.
Here you are, Pop, go on,
buy her half a bottle of Scotch,
cheer yourselves up.
No, no, no.
Go on, go on, if we don't look
after you, who will?
And that's the truth.
Thanks, thanks.
Nah, they're just a stinking bunch
of Shakespearean villains.
Anybody there?
ALL: Nah, chickens...
Now, come on now, lads,
this really is too much.
It really is.
I mean, I don't mind you having
five minutes off for a smoke.
But you haven't done a hand's turn
all night.
You haven't moved from this room!
So what? What does it matter?
I'll tell you why it matters, lad.
It matters because of this.
Head office wants cut backs.
Oh, no, what is it this time?
Let me see--
Well, let me guess.
We're only allowed to use
one bag of sugar a week
or the same teabag 37 times?
Why don't you stick up for us,
for God's sake?
Letting them walk all over you.
No, it is not sugar
and it is not teabags.
It is man power, gentlemen.
Man power.
And I'm telling you, one of you,
one of the staff, has got to go.
One of you has got to go.
I'm sorry.
There it is. Rules are rules.
I'm sorry.
They can't do that. They can
do whatever they like, laddie.
They pay our wages.
Oh, of course, we're just a joke,
aren't we?
I bet some bloke
with a tie wrote that,
sitting in his cabriolet.
Doodling away on his portable
fax machine
on his way to
'Phantom of the Opera'. Again.
Laughing at the thought
of us panicking. Bastard.
Bastard! Yeah, he's right, though,
isn't he, Sarge?
I'm sorry. I checked.
Now, look, lads.
You've got the week to sort
it out between you.
I mean, if it comes to a vote,
I've got the casting vote.
The casting vote?
This isn't the Eurovision Song
Contest!
You're talking about our lives,
you great prat.
What did you do, then?
What did you do, then?
What did you do, then?
Well, if it comes to crunch, I'll
have to put a report in, won't I?
I mean, that was insubordination,
then, calling me that.
Oh, God, you love it, don't you,
eh?
You've always wanted the power,
haven't you?
You love it, don't you?
You... You...
Power mad old fart!
What you doing?
Was that him or me?
Both of you.
I didn't say anything.
Yes, you did! I wasn't going
to say what he said.
I was going to say, "God, you love
it when you go on your holidays,
don't you, Sarge?"
You do, you love going on your
holidays, don't you, Sarge?
As I said,
you've got until Friday.
Right? You follow me now?
Now, I don't like doing this.
Yes, you do.
Yes, you do, you love it, you.
You love it! You love it, you--
You love the sound of birdsong
at eventide.
What was that for?
Nothing.
I was just seeing if me
pen worked, that's all.
Treat you like dirt, they do.
BOTH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They couldn't care less
as long as they're alright.
As long as they're alright, they're
not bothered about anybody else.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Know what that lot are, don't you?
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
They're just a bunch
of Shakespearean villains.
Yes, that's right, isn't it, lads?
Just a bunch of Shakespearean
villains.
THUNDER CLAPS
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Art there?
Aye.
How does my noble Bell?
Well, my Lord Carter.
What news?
Knowest thou this paper.
Mark but the penning of it.
If this be true, one of us must
lose our jobs erelong.
Aye, if the matter of this paper
be certain,
we have mighty business in hand.
Meaning what, my liege?
Come, come, Carter, thou wouldst
not want to be so slow.
Piper, the old man, must fall.
No!
Yes!
Nay, I could not.
I say, yay.
No, no, I could not.
Yes, yes, thou couldst.
By Jupiter, I swear, no,
By Juno, I swear aye.
Give me some breath,
some little pause,
before I speak positively in this.
COCKREL CROWS
Time runs on apace.
By heaven, I think there is no man
secure in his post.
Piper is an old man,
three score and upward.
He hath but a short lease on life.
SPITS
Give me your hand.
Faith, there are some certain
dregs of conscience yet within me.
What, wouldst betray me?
Pray, give me your hand.
CARTER GROANS
It is done.
Tis done.
THUNDER RUMBLES
JAZZ PIANO
SARGE COUGHS
Get out!
Sarge!
Anybody there?
Only us chickens.
Here, Sarge, can I have
some more batteries for this?
You know how it is when
you've been working flat out,
you get through them in no time.
I bet even real policemen don't
use as many as I've been using
lately because I've been working
flat out, you see, Sarge.
That's why I get through
such an inordinate amount
of batteries, you see, Sarge.
Yes, yes, Mr Carter.
Thanks, Sarge.
Mind you, I wouldn't be surprised
if I'm not back within the hour.
You know, it's hardly my fault,
is it, Sarge, if these batteries
can't keep up with my work rate?
No, Mr Carter.
Hardly my fault, is it, Sarge, eh?
How many points have I got now,
Sarge?
Cos it is the one with the most
points that's got to go, isn't it?
How many points have I got, then?
Mr Carter. How many, Sarge,
how many points? Let's see.
15,000.
Well, it's only one o'clock,
isn't it?
You know, I've got six hours yet.
It's like boxing,
you lose some of the early rounds
but you come up strong
at the finish.
What about Ding-Dong?
Mr Bell? Yeah. Ah.
18,000.
And Mr Piper?
Mr Piper? Yeah. Four.
Four? That's not stinking fair!
It's cos he's old, isn't it?
You don't come down as hard on us
because he's old.
That's not fair.
Look, he's an old man.
I don't care!
What's fair for one
is fair for the other.
This is supposed
to be a democratic country.
His wife's not well.
Stuff his wife!
I think she's never even tried
to get out of that bed!
Wish she'd make the effort
and put that stupid dog down
and stop eating chocolates.
I mean, it's only a case
of putting one foot in front
of the other, for God's sake.
It's one o'clock.
Where's he got to? I'm starving!
THUNDER RUMBLES
Get rid of Piper, Sarge.
He's the one to go.
Not us.
The old man must fall.
He's a knave, a rascal.
A lecherous, treacherous eater
of broken meats,
a proud, base, filthy,
worsted-stocking knave.
And what's more...
THUNDER RUMBLES
He's a prat.
Is anybody there?
ALL: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Is he not back yet?
No.
No? Oh, come on, Sarge.
It's one o'clock. I'm starving.
Where's he got to?
Well, he probably tied up
somewhere.
Four hours late? That's not very
good, is it, Sarge?
And I bet he don't bring
everything we ordered.
If you ask me, Sarge,
his mind's gone.
Gone. Gone.
They get like that, don't they?
PIPER: Anybody here?
BOTH: # ...chickens #
You took your time!
Well, you wanted different things,
didn't you.
I had to go all over the place.
I bet you didn't get it all, eh?
I bet he didn't get it all,
Sarge.
Because if he didn't, Sarge,
if he didn't get all the things
that we ordered, Sarge,
that's a black mark against
his name, innit, Sarge?
He gets points for that,
doesn't he? Yeah.
Now then. Tomatoes, guacamole,
they're yours.
Terrine de canard a l'orange,
yours, I think.
Now then.
Here, what about me mousse
de foix gras sans brie option?
There you go.
Now.
Poached salmon in aspic.
I don't know who these are.
It better be good,
that's all I can say.
Here, come on, come on.
What about me creole crab gumbo?
Ooh, well, they said they don't
get much call for that.
Hawaiian fish chowder?
Lobster Newberg?
Oysters Rockerfeller?
Escalopes Viscayenne?
Fettucini with pesto sauce?
Osso Bucco?
Latkes?
Kougelhopf?
Zabaglioni?
Suckling pig?
Come on, come on,
where's me suckling pig?
Come on, come on,
I want me suckling pig.
Where's my stinking rotten
suckling pig--
Yeah, yeah, that's the lot.
I didn't forget anybody, did I?
I'm not so bad.
I can keep up with the rest.
I'm not so old.
I didn't forget anybody, did I?
Anything there for me, Mr Piper?
Sarge.
What did you order?
Cod and chips.
Now, come on, Sarge.
Yeah, come on, he gets points
for that, doesn't he, Sarge?
Is it a game?
Yeah, and you're gonna win it.
Come on, Sarge. Fair's fair.
Fair's far.
Yes.
Five.
CARTER AND BELL CHEER
Brilliant!
Oh, well, that took the wind
out of his sails!
Worked like a charm!
How many points has he got?
BOTH: Five!
How many points have you got?
18,203! You?
15,937!
Five!
Five!
Ha!
He ain't never gonna get
as many as us, is he?
To be or not to be,
that is the question. No!
No, I cannot!
What?
Art thou afraid? I thought thou
would be resolute.
So I am to let him live.
Oh, great, brilliant.
PUNCHING NOISE
So, one of us loses our job?
Great, well, I'll go and tell
the Sarge then.
No, privy, privy,
stay a little.
I hope this passionate humour
of mine will change.
Look, it's easy.
We wait in his till Piper comes
in for a jimmy riddle.
Then we give him a crack
over the head with this.
Gasp.
'Tis a fearful instrument.
He won't feel a thing.
So...
All we have to do
is his quietus make.
With a 5lb lump hammer.
Right.
FLUSHING SOUND
Alright, lads?
Yeah, yeah, fine, how's it going?
Strike.
I'm strongly framed,
he cannot prevail with me.
How darkly and how deadly
dost thou speak.
Your eyes do menace me.
Why are you so pale?
I've had the runs.
Wherefore do you come?
To... To...
To...
To murder me?
Wherein my friends
have I offended you?
Because you're a silly old fart
who gets in the way,
that's why we're offended.
I shall be reconciled to you again.
No, you won't. Hit him.
Relent, relent,
and save your souls.
Relent? No, 'tis cowardly,
and womanish.
Only a bit though.
CARTER SIGHS, BELL GROANS
Poof!
The thing is, Dad,
you've gotta go.
Go? Where?
You've got to finish here,
tonight.
Why though?
They wanna make some cutbacks,
right?
One of us has got to go.
You're old, you'll be dead
in a couple of years.
We're young, see, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us.
I mean, look at it objectively,
you're the obvious choice.
Well, I've been here 20 years.
BOTH: We know, we know, we know.
Look, look, don't be afraid
of speaking your mind.
You obviously want a say
in the matter,
that's completely understandable.
Understandable.
Completely understandable!
Look, we'd be pretty hard hearted
not to let you put your case.
We're not made of stone,
you know?
Well, come on, what do you say?
Alright then.
BOTH: Why?
Well, I mean, you're right.
I ought to be the one to go.
I'm the eldest, aren't I?
It's more than that, really.
It all comes down to friendship,
doesn't it?
You've always looked after me
in the past.
It's only fair I ought
to be the one to go.
You're all young lads.
You've got the whole
of your lives in front of you.
I think I'd better...
I'd better go and get my things.
I mean, friendship...
That's what it's all about,
isn't it, lads?
God, he made a meal of that,
didn't he? Aye.
Talk about milking it.
All the best. All the best.
Bye, Sarge.
Goodbye, Mr Bell.
Cheerio, Pop.
Goodbye, Mr Carter.
Yeah, yeah, cheers, Dad.
It's funny, isn't it?
Not that I want to make a fuss.
But you'd think that after
20 years,
they'd have made some sort
of presentation, or something.
You know, give me a leaving
present, perhaps.
ALL MURMUR AGREEMENT
Here you are, Pop.
Oh, no. I couldn't.
Go on, go on, you deserve it.
Well, thanks. Another three
of these and you'll have a set.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, I'd better be off.
You look after yourself, now.
Keep warm.
Yeah, wear a hat.
90 percent of the body heat
is lost through the head,
did you know that?
You lads have always
looked after me.
Friends, that's what it's all
about, isn't it?
Oh, well. Goodbye.
Cheerio, Pop.
Ta-ra now.
Oh, just a thought.
Why can't he go? He's dead already.
He's on a full wage, isn't he,
you know?
Yeah, I mean, we need the money,
he paid for me holidays last year.
Good God!
Alright.
Just a thought.
Otherwise, I agree, it would
have been the perfect solution
to a particularly tricky dilemma.
Yes, that's what I thought.
Oh, well. I'll be off, then.
Yeah, cheerio.
Cheerio!
Cheers, Dad, cheers.
Hey, don't forget that hat.
Yeah.
Friends.
That's what it's all about really.
Oh, sod off.
Yeah, you sanctimonious old--
Ah, ah, ah.
Don't start that, he's gone now!
Eh?
I wonder what Katherine Hamnett's
doing tonight.
Yeah.
FLY BUZZING
BOTH: You cruel sod!
MELANCHOLY MUSIC
Well, what you got?
Pair of fours.
Pair of fives.
You lost. Old Bell lost out.
Old Ding-Dong lucked out.
Do not pass go, do not collect
200 pounds.
Sod off!
Look, don't start quoting
EM Forster to me
because you lost.
Half past 11. Where's he got
to with that food?
I wonder what Peter Stringfellow's
doing tonight.
Yeah... Probably vetting somebody
at the door, I reckon.
God, I hate this job.
I'm dying by the minute.
Do you realise that, eh?
Dying by the minute.
Sarge, do you realise that, eh?
Ah, come on now, lad.
Let's take
a little look around, eh.
BOTH: Not now.
I had a woman today.
Who did?
I did.
In the park, it was, she wanted
to know if I had a corkscrew.
Oh, a sophisticated sort, yeah.
Yeah, we just got talking,
you know,
and then we went back to her
place. Yeah, yeah.
Didn't have anything in it.
Just these floorboards,
you know, this old mattress
on the floor.
Gets better, go on.
We finished off a few lagers
and then we drank
this bottle of sherry
and then we...
we did it on this mattress.
That's lovely.
Just like 'Brief Encounter'.
God, you're disgusting.
Here, what about your wife?
Oh, she took the kids
to the safari park for the day.
What, the one with the giraffe?
Yeah but that's dead now.
They've got these two mandrills
instead.
They push each other up and down
in this rubber tyre all day.
Well, as long as they're happy.
Mind you, there was
a bit of an upset,
little Gary fell out of the car
and got attacked by a lion.
You should sue.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm telling you,
they're responsible,
you could be in for thousands,
have a word with your solicitor.
Yeah. Alright.
I'll think about it.
Yeah, you ought to.
He was alright though, was he,
your Gary? Gary, he's alright?
Yeah, you know what kids are like,
kick up a fuss about anything.
The wife stopped off
at a Little Chef on the way home
and washed
the blood off him in the toilet.
Come on now, lads. Chop, chop.
Let's have a look around, eh?
BOTH: Not now.
What did you do today, then?
Me? I slept in.
Went round an art gallery.
What, I don't get it,
how can you spend your time
looking at stupid pictures?
What, are they nude women?
No, they are not nude women,
Ding-Dong.
What, nude men, then, eh?
Do you like looking at men
in the nude, is that it?
Hey, Sarge,
what about old Carter, then?
He likes looking at men
in the nude, eh?
Would you like to wash me down
in the bath, would you, eh?
Would you like to play with me
rubber duck,
quack quack, would you, eh? Eh?
Go away.
Oi, don't push it, alright?
Oh, come on now, lads,
for goodness' sake.
Remember where we are, please.
We are supposed to be doing a job,
remember?
The public rely on us so they can
sleep easy in their beds.
God help them, then,
that's all I can say.
This isn't a holiday home,
you know.
You're paid to come here.
We are supplying a service.
We are security guards.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
BOTH: No.
Don't you think, as you're paid
to be security guards,
that that's what you ought to do?
BOTH: No.
Well, fair enough, then. So long
as I know where I stand.
PIPER: Anybody home?
ALL: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Here he is, it's that man again.
Here, Piper, did you get it all?
Yes, I think so.
Who was the saveloy and chips?
That's me.
Here, I got chased again tonight,
d'you know?
You didn't? That is--
There's no respect for age
anymore, is there?
No, I know.
Steak and kidney pie.
You know, that is terrible,
that is, Dad.
I'm 72 years old.
They don't care.
I know they don't. I wish
I could get hold of them.
Fish, chips and peas.
Oh, that's mine.
SARGE CLEARS THROAT
Anything there for me, gentlemen?
Sorry, Sarge, I got confused.
Oh, that's quite alright.
It doesn't matter, I've got some
biscuits here.
You can share mine, if you like.
No, no, that's quite alright.
But thank you all the same,
Mr Piper.
Alright, are they, Sarge,
those biscuits, alright?
Yeah, not bad, lad, not bad.
BELL CHUCKLING
I think I'll take them with me,
have a little look around.
See what's going on.
You wouldn't care to join me
when you're ready, would you,
gentlemen?
BOTH: No.
Oh. Righty-ho.
What did you do today, then, Pop?
Oh, I've been ever so busy today.
I had a bath,
and I went to the library.
I got me pension,
and I paid the rent,
and I bought the wife a lovely pair
of pink bed socks.
That's lovely. How is she these
days? Arthritis, isn't it?
Oh, not so good.
She mostly stays in bed
all the time now.
She's got a kettle and a portable
telly with her in there.
And little Sandy the dog,
he keeps her company.
She calls him
her little hot water bottle.
Eh?
That's nice, that is.
No, it's not.
D'you get out much these days,
then?
No, what with us living on
the 18th floor and all,
and the lift
always being out of order,
it's a bit difficult for us.
Still, it's not all bad.
We get carol singers knocking
at the door at Christmas
and that always cheers her up.
50 years we've been married,
you know.
I don't know what
I'll do if anything happens to her!
BOTH COMFORT PIPER
Cheer up, mate, she's got years
in her yet.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
It's alright, it's alright.
That's terrible, that is.
Oh, they don't care, do they, eh?
Makes you want to vomit.
The old and the sick.
Hide them away somewhere.
Well, they're not cost effective,
are they?
That's what it comes down
to in the end.
They don't care,
they don't give a toss
they're just a bunch
of Shakespearean villains,
that's all they are.
Here you are, Pop, go on,
buy her half a bottle of Scotch,
cheer yourselves up.
No, no, no.
Go on, go on, if we don't look
after you, who will?
And that's the truth.
Thanks, thanks.
Nah, they're just a stinking bunch
of Shakespearean villains.
Anybody there?
ALL: Nah, chickens...
Now, come on now, lads,
this really is too much.
It really is.
I mean, I don't mind you having
five minutes off for a smoke.
But you haven't done a hand's turn
all night.
You haven't moved from this room!
So what? What does it matter?
I'll tell you why it matters, lad.
It matters because of this.
Head office wants cut backs.
Oh, no, what is it this time?
Let me see--
Well, let me guess.
We're only allowed to use
one bag of sugar a week
or the same teabag 37 times?
Why don't you stick up for us,
for God's sake?
Letting them walk all over you.
No, it is not sugar
and it is not teabags.
It is man power, gentlemen.
Man power.
And I'm telling you, one of you,
one of the staff, has got to go.
One of you has got to go.
I'm sorry.
There it is. Rules are rules.
I'm sorry.
They can't do that. They can
do whatever they like, laddie.
They pay our wages.
Oh, of course, we're just a joke,
aren't we?
I bet some bloke
with a tie wrote that,
sitting in his cabriolet.
Doodling away on his portable
fax machine
on his way to
'Phantom of the Opera'. Again.
Laughing at the thought
of us panicking. Bastard.
Bastard! Yeah, he's right, though,
isn't he, Sarge?
I'm sorry. I checked.
Now, look, lads.
You've got the week to sort
it out between you.
I mean, if it comes to a vote,
I've got the casting vote.
The casting vote?
This isn't the Eurovision Song
Contest!
You're talking about our lives,
you great prat.
What did you do, then?
What did you do, then?
What did you do, then?
Well, if it comes to crunch, I'll
have to put a report in, won't I?
I mean, that was insubordination,
then, calling me that.
Oh, God, you love it, don't you,
eh?
You've always wanted the power,
haven't you?
You love it, don't you?
You... You...
Power mad old fart!
What you doing?
Was that him or me?
Both of you.
I didn't say anything.
Yes, you did! I wasn't going
to say what he said.
I was going to say, "God, you love
it when you go on your holidays,
don't you, Sarge?"
You do, you love going on your
holidays, don't you, Sarge?
As I said,
you've got until Friday.
Right? You follow me now?
Now, I don't like doing this.
Yes, you do.
Yes, you do, you love it, you.
You love it! You love it, you--
You love the sound of birdsong
at eventide.
What was that for?
Nothing.
I was just seeing if me
pen worked, that's all.
Treat you like dirt, they do.
BOTH: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They couldn't care less
as long as they're alright.
As long as they're alright, they're
not bothered about anybody else.
OMINOUS MUSIC
Know what that lot are, don't you?
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
They're just a bunch
of Shakespearean villains.
Yes, that's right, isn't it, lads?
Just a bunch of Shakespearean
villains.
THUNDER CLAPS
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Art there?
Aye.
How does my noble Bell?
Well, my Lord Carter.
What news?
Knowest thou this paper.
Mark but the penning of it.
If this be true, one of us must
lose our jobs erelong.
Aye, if the matter of this paper
be certain,
we have mighty business in hand.
Meaning what, my liege?
Come, come, Carter, thou wouldst
not want to be so slow.
Piper, the old man, must fall.
No!
Yes!
Nay, I could not.
I say, yay.
No, no, I could not.
Yes, yes, thou couldst.
By Jupiter, I swear, no,
By Juno, I swear aye.
Give me some breath,
some little pause,
before I speak positively in this.
COCKREL CROWS
Time runs on apace.
By heaven, I think there is no man
secure in his post.
Piper is an old man,
three score and upward.
He hath but a short lease on life.
SPITS
Give me your hand.
Faith, there are some certain
dregs of conscience yet within me.
What, wouldst betray me?
Pray, give me your hand.
CARTER GROANS
It is done.
Tis done.
THUNDER RUMBLES
JAZZ PIANO
SARGE COUGHS
Get out!
Sarge!
Anybody there?
Only us chickens.
Here, Sarge, can I have
some more batteries for this?
You know how it is when
you've been working flat out,
you get through them in no time.
I bet even real policemen don't
use as many as I've been using
lately because I've been working
flat out, you see, Sarge.
That's why I get through
such an inordinate amount
of batteries, you see, Sarge.
Yes, yes, Mr Carter.
Thanks, Sarge.
Mind you, I wouldn't be surprised
if I'm not back within the hour.
You know, it's hardly my fault,
is it, Sarge, if these batteries
can't keep up with my work rate?
No, Mr Carter.
Hardly my fault, is it, Sarge, eh?
How many points have I got now,
Sarge?
Cos it is the one with the most
points that's got to go, isn't it?
How many points have I got, then?
Mr Carter. How many, Sarge,
how many points? Let's see.
15,000.
Well, it's only one o'clock,
isn't it?
You know, I've got six hours yet.
It's like boxing,
you lose some of the early rounds
but you come up strong
at the finish.
What about Ding-Dong?
Mr Bell? Yeah. Ah.
18,000.
And Mr Piper?
Mr Piper? Yeah. Four.
Four? That's not stinking fair!
It's cos he's old, isn't it?
You don't come down as hard on us
because he's old.
That's not fair.
Look, he's an old man.
I don't care!
What's fair for one
is fair for the other.
This is supposed
to be a democratic country.
His wife's not well.
Stuff his wife!
I think she's never even tried
to get out of that bed!
Wish she'd make the effort
and put that stupid dog down
and stop eating chocolates.
I mean, it's only a case
of putting one foot in front
of the other, for God's sake.
It's one o'clock.
Where's he got to? I'm starving!
THUNDER RUMBLES
Get rid of Piper, Sarge.
He's the one to go.
Not us.
The old man must fall.
He's a knave, a rascal.
A lecherous, treacherous eater
of broken meats,
a proud, base, filthy,
worsted-stocking knave.
And what's more...
THUNDER RUMBLES
He's a prat.
Is anybody there?
ALL: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Is he not back yet?
No.
No? Oh, come on, Sarge.
It's one o'clock. I'm starving.
Where's he got to?
Well, he probably tied up
somewhere.
Four hours late? That's not very
good, is it, Sarge?
And I bet he don't bring
everything we ordered.
If you ask me, Sarge,
his mind's gone.
Gone. Gone.
They get like that, don't they?
PIPER: Anybody here?
BOTH: # ...chickens #
You took your time!
Well, you wanted different things,
didn't you.
I had to go all over the place.
I bet you didn't get it all, eh?
I bet he didn't get it all,
Sarge.
Because if he didn't, Sarge,
if he didn't get all the things
that we ordered, Sarge,
that's a black mark against
his name, innit, Sarge?
He gets points for that,
doesn't he? Yeah.
Now then. Tomatoes, guacamole,
they're yours.
Terrine de canard a l'orange,
yours, I think.
Now then.
Here, what about me mousse
de foix gras sans brie option?
There you go.
Now.
Poached salmon in aspic.
I don't know who these are.
It better be good,
that's all I can say.
Here, come on, come on.
What about me creole crab gumbo?
Ooh, well, they said they don't
get much call for that.
Hawaiian fish chowder?
Lobster Newberg?
Oysters Rockerfeller?
Escalopes Viscayenne?
Fettucini with pesto sauce?
Osso Bucco?
Latkes?
Kougelhopf?
Zabaglioni?
Suckling pig?
Come on, come on,
where's me suckling pig?
Come on, come on,
I want me suckling pig.
Where's my stinking rotten
suckling pig--
Yeah, yeah, that's the lot.
I didn't forget anybody, did I?
I'm not so bad.
I can keep up with the rest.
I'm not so old.
I didn't forget anybody, did I?
Anything there for me, Mr Piper?
Sarge.
What did you order?
Cod and chips.
Now, come on, Sarge.
Yeah, come on, he gets points
for that, doesn't he, Sarge?
Is it a game?
Yeah, and you're gonna win it.
Come on, Sarge. Fair's fair.
Fair's far.
Yes.
Five.
CARTER AND BELL CHEER
Brilliant!
Oh, well, that took the wind
out of his sails!
Worked like a charm!
How many points has he got?
BOTH: Five!
How many points have you got?
18,203! You?
15,937!
Five!
Five!
Ha!
He ain't never gonna get
as many as us, is he?
To be or not to be,
that is the question. No!
No, I cannot!
What?
Art thou afraid? I thought thou
would be resolute.
So I am to let him live.
Oh, great, brilliant.
PUNCHING NOISE
So, one of us loses our job?
Great, well, I'll go and tell
the Sarge then.
No, privy, privy,
stay a little.
I hope this passionate humour
of mine will change.
Look, it's easy.
We wait in his till Piper comes
in for a jimmy riddle.
Then we give him a crack
over the head with this.
Gasp.
'Tis a fearful instrument.
He won't feel a thing.
So...
All we have to do
is his quietus make.
With a 5lb lump hammer.
Right.
FLUSHING SOUND
Alright, lads?
Yeah, yeah, fine, how's it going?
Strike.
I'm strongly framed,
he cannot prevail with me.
How darkly and how deadly
dost thou speak.
Your eyes do menace me.
Why are you so pale?
I've had the runs.
Wherefore do you come?
To... To...
To...
To murder me?
Wherein my friends
have I offended you?
Because you're a silly old fart
who gets in the way,
that's why we're offended.
I shall be reconciled to you again.
No, you won't. Hit him.
Relent, relent,
and save your souls.
Relent? No, 'tis cowardly,
and womanish.
Only a bit though.
CARTER SIGHS, BELL GROANS
Poof!
The thing is, Dad,
you've gotta go.
Go? Where?
You've got to finish here,
tonight.
Why though?
They wanna make some cutbacks,
right?
One of us has got to go.
You're old, you'll be dead
in a couple of years.
We're young, see, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us.
I mean, look at it objectively,
you're the obvious choice.
Well, I've been here 20 years.
BOTH: We know, we know, we know.
Look, look, don't be afraid
of speaking your mind.
You obviously want a say
in the matter,
that's completely understandable.
Understandable.
Completely understandable!
Look, we'd be pretty hard hearted
not to let you put your case.
We're not made of stone,
you know?
Well, come on, what do you say?
Alright then.
BOTH: Why?
Well, I mean, you're right.
I ought to be the one to go.
I'm the eldest, aren't I?
It's more than that, really.
It all comes down to friendship,
doesn't it?
You've always looked after me
in the past.
It's only fair I ought
to be the one to go.
You're all young lads.
You've got the whole
of your lives in front of you.
I think I'd better...
I'd better go and get my things.
I mean, friendship...
That's what it's all about,
isn't it, lads?
God, he made a meal of that,
didn't he? Aye.
Talk about milking it.
All the best. All the best.
Bye, Sarge.
Goodbye, Mr Bell.
Cheerio, Pop.
Goodbye, Mr Carter.
Yeah, yeah, cheers, Dad.
It's funny, isn't it?
Not that I want to make a fuss.
But you'd think that after
20 years,
they'd have made some sort
of presentation, or something.
You know, give me a leaving
present, perhaps.
ALL MURMUR AGREEMENT
Here you are, Pop.
Oh, no. I couldn't.
Go on, go on, you deserve it.
Well, thanks. Another three
of these and you'll have a set.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, I'd better be off.
You look after yourself, now.
Keep warm.
Yeah, wear a hat.
90 percent of the body heat
is lost through the head,
did you know that?
You lads have always
looked after me.
Friends, that's what it's all
about, isn't it?
Oh, well. Goodbye.
Cheerio, Pop.
Ta-ra now.
Oh, just a thought.
Why can't he go? He's dead already.
He's on a full wage, isn't he,
you know?
Yeah, I mean, we need the money,
he paid for me holidays last year.
Good God!
Alright.
Just a thought.
Otherwise, I agree, it would
have been the perfect solution
to a particularly tricky dilemma.
Yes, that's what I thought.
Oh, well. I'll be off, then.
Yeah, cheerio.
Cheerio!
Cheers, Dad, cheers.
Hey, don't forget that hat.
Yeah.
Friends.
That's what it's all about really.
Oh, sod off.
Yeah, you sanctimonious old--
Ah, ah, ah.
Don't start that, he's gone now!
Eh?
I wonder what Katherine Hamnett's
doing tonight.
Yeah.
FLY BUZZING
BOTH: You cruel sod!
MELANCHOLY MUSIC