Nightingales (1990–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Moonlight Becomes You - full transcript

THEME MUSIC

CAMERA CLICKS

You still use that?

With the wife? Yeah. Yeah.

Anybody there?

CARTER AND BELL: # There's
nobody here but us chickens #

Here,

try this on for size, Mr Swan.

You're supposed to have
black shoes and trousers,

didn't they tell you?

They just said come here
in plenty of time.



It's only for one night, isn't it?
CARTER AND BELL: Oh, dear, God!

PIPER: Anybody here?

ALL THREE: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #

PIPER: I've been very ill today,
you know?

Good.

Here, Sarge, what about
our radios, then?

Yeah, what about these radios?

Look, I've asked for them!

I can't do more than that, now,
can I?

Now, be good, lads.

You won't last forever, you know.

Yeah, why don't you move over, eh?

Make room for a younger man.
We're twice as virile as you are.

SARGE LAUGHS



They like a joke. I look at them
as sons, really.

I wouldn't be your stinking son.

If I was your son, I'd puke!

All right, all right.

How can you say that?

How could you possibly be
a father figure?

How could you teach me
anything, eh?

What do you know about art,
literature, architecture?

Well...
The classical line of the Greeks?

Five minutes in the New York
Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art

and you'd be bored out of your
tiny bloody mind. Father figure?

Do me a bloody favour,
for Christ's sake.

Food poisoning, was it?

No, it wasn't that, I think
it might be something I ate.

If you were my father,
I'd be an orphan.

BELL LAUGHS

D'you get it?

Cos, if I was an orphan,
it means I'd have killed him.

D'you get it, Carter?

Not quite your Noel Coward
standard but it's not bad for you.

Orphan. I'd be an orphan, see?

If I killed him...
with a knife.

Don't worry, lad.

You'll soon fit in.

I know it might
seem strange at first

but you'll soon get used to
our little ways. Sign here.

I wonder what Jean Paul
Gaultier's doing tonight.

Yeah...

It might have been a virus.

No, it wasn't that.

I think it was just
something going around.

SLOW JAZZ MUSIC

Yep, yep.

Oi.

You know at New Year's Eve, when
you see those people on the news,

splashing about in the fountain
at Trafalgar Square?

Yeah.

Have you ever done
anything like that?

Nah.

I've only got your word
for it though, haven't I?

What d'you do, then?

I'm a student. Medical student.

Student.

I used to be a student, once.

I loved being a student.

Best time of my life, it was.

I used to have loads of books.

And sometimes, somebody would have
a party, it was brilliant.

What did you study?

Look at this. Look at it.

Do you know what this is?
Corporate art. Corporate art.

It's tax deductible, honest.

What's wrong with a nice
anaglypta?

That's what I wanna know.

Do you know how much the bloke who
made this would charge for it?

It's like that other bloke.
That blond puff.

He kisses off to California,

does loads of paintings with
blokes showing their houses

climbing out of swimming pools,

and people fall over themselves
to buy the things.

And I bet there are painters
just as good as him.

Blokes who can't sell their stuff.

Blokes who have to do all sorts of
clap jobs just to make ends meet.

It makes you sick, doesn't it, eh?

Make you want to throw up,
doesn't it?

Makes you want to throw up all
over the tax deductible

Wilton shack pile, Christ!

What did you study?

Eh?

When you were a student,
what did you study?

I forget.

Mr Bell?

Mr Bell?

I don't suppose you would like
to check reception for me,

would you, Mr Bell?

No, I would not.

I would not like to do that thing
which you have just mentioned.

Oh, all right then.

Right.

That's our quota of excitement
over for the night.

Everything OK?

There was a bit of trouble
with that Peurto Rican street gang

on the fourth floor.
But nothing we couldn't handle.

Right.

Here we are then.

What's your name?
Eric.

ALL CRY OUT IN SHOCK

Eric? Eric?

Eric?

We don't go on
first name terms here.

Strictly surnames,
if you don't mind.

This is like Eton, this is.

Well, sort of.

We don't bunk up with each
other, you get my drift.

None of that intimacy
in the shower business, here.

Well, I don't know
about old Ding-Dong.

He puts on this front, you see,

but I bet he's familiar
with the collective works

of Christopher Isherwood,
am I not right, Bell?

Eh, Bell? Ding-Dong?

D'you want to get
on the end of this?

Manliness, you can't beat it.

God, I love working here,

there's something
so pre-Raphaelite about it.

Would you not agree, Eric?

ALL GROAN
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Calling you by
your Christian name.

That is punishable by death
that is, Jesus.

ALL THREE: Christ!

Marshmallow?

Thank you.

Would you like a marshmallow, Mr--

Smith!

Mr Smith. Would you like a--

Oh, my God!

What?

He's dead!

Course he's dead.

You mean, you know?

News like that's bound to leak out
sooner or later, innit?

How long is it now, Sarge?

Oh, be about two years
come April, eh?

I think it was more like three.

Oh, it's not as long as that.

And what about his family?

He didn't have any.

Oh, come on now, Mr Bell.

Your memory's playing you up
there.

He had a daughter, didn't he?
In the Antipodes?

Australia!

She never wrote.

No, tell a lie. She sent him
a card and cake last Christmas.

I liked that cake.
Yes, I liked that cake.

But you can't just leave him here,
though.

Why not?
It's as good a place as any.

Besides, he's on a full wage.

Ah, you keep his money.

Yeah, minus a small donation
to the British Heart Foundation.

Well, we thought it only right
in the circumstances.

Mind you, it's not all profit,
is it, Sarge?

There's cost of air freshener,
too, don't forget.

Hot summer we had last year, we
hardly broke even, did we, Sarge?

Barely.

Yeah but...

Right, who's for a nice
game of cards, then?

I'm in.
PIPER: I'm in!

I wonder what Zandra Rhodes
is doing tonight.

Look at that lovely full moon
out there.

What? Full moon.

No. No, it can't be. Not tonight.

Come on, lad.

You not in?
No! Not tonight.

GROWLING: Not tonight!

GROWLS

HOWLS

What have you got, then? 21.

Take it.

You've got 35 there.

So? Nothing, nothing.

See what you're up against.

You all right?
GROWLING: Yes.

Sorry, it's just I think
I must have got my...

GROWLING: Dates mixed up.

Here, let's make a phone call!

No, no, Ding-Dong. Not now.

It's in the middle of the night.

Night! Full moon, woo!

So, give me a number.

I don't want to.

Give me a number.

No.

Right.

I'm going to get you for this,
Carter,

you're going to be picking your
face up off the floor after this.

Oh, dear me,
what would W H Auden think, eh?

Hello.

Why don't you salt off,
you stupid great prat?

BELL LAUGHS

Well?
Oh, it was some old woman.

D'you think
it's his idea of satire?

PHONE RINGS

GROWLING: Why--

Why doesn't anybody answer it?

We don't get phone calls.
Never.

Go on, you're in charge,
you answer it.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, yes. Oh, oh right.

Oh, yes.

Well?

It's the big white chief.
He's coming round.

But he came round last year!
It's a new bloke!

He's just been put in charge.

He'll be here in 15 minutes.

This is all your fault, Ding-Dong,

messing about with that
bloody phone!

No, it's not! No, it's not!

It's his!

PIPER GROANS

I knew I should've put
me foot down.

I'm too lenient, you know,
that's my trouble.

I'm fed up with this life.

I want to live.

I want some excitement.

I want to be out there
with the rest of humanity.

I want to be naked in
a field somewhere,

making mad, passionate love
by the light of the moon.

ERIC GROWLS

DRAMATIC MUSIC

ERIC WHINES

Are you all right?

What's the matter with him?

Here, it's not his time
of the month, is it?

BELL LAUGHS

Do you get it? Cos he's ill,
see, and like a woman?

Get him down out of there.
Come on.

Take him out to the lobby
or something.

Come on down, son.
Come on, come on down.

You know what this is, don't you?
Bad living.

I know what you students are like,

staying up till all hours,
listening to Tracey Chapman.

It's bound to catch up with you
in the end.

It's like a curse,
it's a living hell.

Oh, I dunno, she's not that bad.

Whatever happened

to Buffy Sainte-Marie?
That's what I want to know.

D'you know she was half-Indian?

Oi, if I lose my job over this,
I'm going to have you.

Don't worry, lad,
I'll sort it out.

Have I ever let you down?
BELL SLAMS LOCKER

You're not going to be fired,
it won't come to that.

Well, it better bleeding not.

Or I'm gonna have him and all.

PIPER: Me? What have I done?

You haven't done nothing.

I'm just going to have you anyway.

That's a double negative.

What? Well...

If he hasn't done nothing...

he must have done something.

See what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

Are you all right in there, Swanny?

GROWLING NOISES

Oh, I don't know.
It's not that bad.

No, I mean, there's people a lot
worse off, you know?

GROWLING NOISES

Hey, you'll like this.

Old Bell's
handiwork's in evidence.

Ha.

Stop me and buy one.

AGGRESSIVE GROWLING

He can't get anything right,
can he?

I like this.

"This is the worst chewing gum
I've ever tasted."

Hey.

This is my favourite. I like this.

"If he gets out of this,
we'll call him Houdini."

GROWLING NOISES

Oh, I dunno.

No, it's not such a bad life,
is it?

No, I mean, I bet there are people
dying in hospital.

Screaming their heads off.

I bet they'd give their right arm
to be in my shoes, wouldn't they?

GROWLING NOISES
Hey, Swanny?

AGGRESSIVE GROWLING

Eric, are you all right?

GROWLING

Oh, dear.

You are, without doubt,

the most unwholesome,
scruffiest,

dirtiest bunch of shitehawks,

it has ever been my misfortune
to come across.

Devious.

Delinquent.

Slippery.

Bustard.

Why is this man wearing sunglasses,
Sergeant?

Medical condition, sir.

Artificial light has an adverse
effect on his optic nerves.

He can speak for himself, can't he?
Well?

Sarge!You're late!

Yes, sorry, sir.
Where's the other man?

He's indisposed, sir.

Gippy tummy.

You know what these students
are like, sir.

Can't stand the pace
like us regulars.

Get in line! Yes, sir.

You haven't got a silver bullet,
have you?

Don't take this personally, sonny,

but I do not particularly like you.

I would not invite you in my home
at Christmas

for a glass of sherry
and a mince pie.

Not if you were the last person
left on the face of the Earth.

You miserable, worthless
little tick. Got me?

I don't have to do this job,
you know.

I've got potential, I have,
I've got qualities.

Got me? Yes, sir.

"Yes, sir. Yes, sir."

Made you look a right prat, then,
didn't he?

Kiss off. Don't you tell me
to kiss off!

Gentlemen. Please!

Sergeant, I want to make a reccy
of the building.

We'll start with
the gents' toilets. No! No...

That is not a good idea, sir.

The student has a gippy tummy.

Not very wholesome,
if you get my meaning, sir.

Better give it five minutes.
Oh, very well.

We'll start at the top and work
our way down.

Come along, Sergeant. Sir!

Sarge, Sarge.

It's the new boy. He's... He's...
He's not very well.

Oh, how do you mean?

He's, er...

He's a werewolf.

A werewolf? You don't say.

Sarge! Yep, coming sir.

What you gonna do about it?

A werewolf, eh?

Whatever next.

Sarge!

DRAMATIC MUSIC, GROWLING

PIPER: What is it, then?
It's the boy.

He's--
What's the matter with him?

The new boy, he's in a bit
of a bad mood.

Bad mood? What you talking about,
bad mood?

I'll tell you what
he's doing in there,

you know what these
students are like.

I bet he's pulling his pudding.

I'm telling you,
he's not, Ding-Dong.

I'll sort him out.
I'm telling you, don't--

A student.

Oh, dear me.

It would appear the door
has mysteriously locked itself.

CRASHING, GROWLING, SCREAMING

Yeah, cheers.

You know, I wouldn't be surprised

if this was not some
crudely wrought metaphor

about the education system

creating monsters
beyond its control.

He'll never see
the funny side of it.

Well?

Yeah.

The student.

Oh, he's all upset.

Look at it down there, Sergeant.
It's a cesspit,

that's what it is.

You know our problem?

They've gone soft.

We don't know the difference
between right and wrong any more.

I mean, you get some terrorist
coming over here,

chucking grenades about all over
the place,

and what do we do to him?

Slap him on the wrist

and send him home on the first
available plane.

"You've been a very naughty boy,
don't do it again."

Quite right, too.Aye.

And, on the other hand,

you get some pillar
of the local community,

who, in his haste to leave
the house one morning,

inadvertently forgets to put on
certain articles of clothing.

A fact which manifests itself

when his raincoat
happens to fall open

as he passes the netball court
of the local girls' school.

Pervert!And what happens?

The court comes down on him
like a ton of bricks.

Two years probation and a fine
of five hundred quid.

Serves him right!
Five hundred quid.

And I was saving that!

I mean, he was saving that
for a new car.

HE MUMBLES

Oh, thanks, Sergeant.

There, there.

It's a cesspit.
Society's gone mad.

It has, it has.Aye, it has.

Pear drop?Oh, thanks.
Thanks, Sergeant.

I don't know. What a come-down
for our generation, eh?

People had values in our day.

I mean, values, you see, that's
what it all boils down to.

Knowing the difference between
right and wrong.

I mean, our generation,
they had values.

HOWLING NOISES

What is that noise?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

PIPER: Here you are, then.
Drink this.

SWAN: Oh, thank you.

It must be horrible.

Oh, it's not so bad. You get used
to it after a while.

More of an inconvenience, really.

Anybody there?

ALL: # There's nobody here
but us chickens #

Here, where's the inspector, then?

Oh, you don't have to worry
about him any more.

How's the lad?

Do you think I might go
a little bit earlier?

It's just that
it really takes it out of you

and I've got another one
on Friday as well.

PIPER: Another one what?

Oh, right.

Oh, yes, off you go, lad.

Can't you have anything done
on the national health?

No, no. Not since the cutbacks.

There was a doctor in Manchester
doing some research

into it but, er, they stopped his--

BELL AND CARTER:
Grant? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'll drop you a line and let
you know how I'm getting on.

Bye-bye. Cheerio.
Thank you. Bye.

Well, where's
that inspector, then?

You wouldn't like to take your mop
up to the top floor,

would you, Mr Piper?

There's a spillage.

Oh, Sarge.

Like I said, Ding-Dong,

there's always somebody worse off
than yourself.

Thank God.

Well, that about wraps it up.

Another day dawns that creatures
that howl in the night

are safely tucked up
in their beds.

Yes.

Lycanthropy,

the phenomenon whereby a man can
transform himself into a wolf.

It's a funny old world, really.

And young Swan, the student,

well, he dropped the boys
a line not long ago,

saying how he had settled
in nicely at college,

and he was going steady
with his girlfriend.

Between you and
me, I wouldn't be surprised

to hear the sound of wedding bells
from that quarter.

As they say, it's a funny
old world and no mistake.

Well, that's about it.

Evening all.