Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Nighthawks - full transcript

-First up, we have Mr. Turkel,

who's accused of
attempted robbery.

-Your Honor, the
security-camera footage

clearly places the defendant
at the scene of the crime.

-So, grainy footage that could
be either my client or Bigfoot?

-Well, we don't even
need the camera footage

because we have an eyewitness.

-Oh, sorry, Your Honor.

The witness could've
seen anyone.

My client has an
undeniable, everyman look.

He could be mistaken for
anyone in this gallery.



-Counselor, is your
defense just finding people

who look like your client?

-What? Do they?

Oh! Yes!

My God.

They do.

-Carmine, what are
you doing here?

-I got caught robbing
this lady's store.

-He's joking. The
only thing my client

is guilty of is possession
of a razor-sharp wit.

-The defendant just confessed.
Can we have the stenographer

read that back, please?

-Oh, did you guys start?

-Your Honor, I think we can
wrap this up pretty quickly.



Now, the prosecution
is going to argue

that the evidence
is incontrovertible.

And I will refute
it, point by point,

successfully showing
that it's inadmissible.

The bailiff is gonna
drop her keys...

- Witch!
- And since it is

my client's first offense,

you're obviously
going to rule...

-Guilty.

-Damn it!

Fine. Fine, fine.

Well, you got to admit, the
key thing was pretty good.

Especially the second time.

-I don't understand
this new judge.

Work is over.

Why does she want
us to stick around?

-Well, maybe she
got us a present.

Maybe we can wear it.

Ooh! Or eat it.

Maybe we can wear
it, then eat it.

Chocolate jackets.

-You know, if I were you,
I'd get used to this.

I worked with Abby's
father for a long time,

and in addition to being
an overenthusiastic judge,

he was an amateur magician.

His greatest trick was
to make my free time

outside of his courtroom...

disappear.

10 bucks says it's an
inspirational speech.

-Hey, everybody.

I have presents for you all.

But first, a speech.

When my dad sat in that
chair, he made every person

who walked through those
doors feel like they mattered,

and that's just
what I want to do.

That's why I went out and got
us an awesome public defender.

-When will they be getting here?

Oh, God.

-And it was the inspiration
behind this present.

Water bottles with
motivational quotes

to get you through the day.

Night!
- "Made in China."

I do feel motivated.

-I know there are problems here

that water bottles
can't solve...

The weird stain on the wall,

the thriving bird colony

that lives in the ceiling...
I've got a whole list.

But there is nothing
that can stop us

from making this place better

if we all work
together as Nighthawks.

-Oh, I'm not putting energy
into making this place better.

I'm trying to get out of here.

This isn't a job,

it's an escape room.

-Come on. There's
gotta be someone here

who wants to make some
big changes with me.

Neil!

Thank you for volunteering.

I want you to pick anything
you want to improve out

this courtroom and go crazy.

Take a cue from Nikolai,
who's already hard at work

getting rid of those
pesky ceiling birds.

-Oh, we don't have the
budget to get rid of them.

He's just throwing food up
there to satisfy the alphas.

Pepperoni's their favorite.

-We're gonna fix that.

'Cause we're the Nighthawks!

Ca-caw!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Not while they're feeding.

-Thanks. Hey, can
I get your advice

on something, Gurgs?

-I mean, I can tell it's a wig,

but I don't think
anyone else can.

-Here's my problem...

I asked Dan to be our
public defender because,

based on the stories
my dad told me,

I thought he had the potential
to be really good at it.

You were wrong about that.

Your daddy got you good.

-I know. I just need a good

defense attorney
to make this work.

I'm just worried if
I push him too hard,

he's gonna go back to
his lonely existence.

Just a man, a freezer
of loose meat,

and Target bag
full of duck sauce.

-Well, unless you can fit
all that on a water bottle,

you're gonna have to tell
him to his bearded face.

-Whose bearded face?

-You're gonna figure this out.

Just keep your wig on.

-You wanted to see me?

-Yes! Yeah. Thanks
for stopping by.

First off, gotta say, you
are an amazing lawyer.

It is truly an honor...

- What do you want?
- Okay, um...

Well, you know how sometimes

when someone is
doing some things...

-Faster.

-You were a great prosecutor,
and I just noticed

that you might be
hitting a rough patch

now that you're
on the other side,

and I was wondering if
you might need any help

in the transition.
- Not necessary.

I'm only here temporarily
until you find someone

to fill in permanently.

-Okay, okay, just hear me out.

For a lot of people,
coming through night court

can be a major low point.

And I just think if we
show them some compassion,

we have the opportunity to
really turn their lives around.

Who knows? One of
your clients could be

the next Bill Gates
or Maya Angelou.

-So, the guy busted for
stealing menthol cigarettes

and beef jerky could be
the next Maya Angelou?

-You don't know
what Maya got up to.

-Okay, just look.

I am not here to be part
of anybody's project.

-Hold on! Hold on!
You're not a project.

I realize that you're
doing me a favor, but...

is there any way you
could do that favor

slightly differently-ish?

-So you want me to act more
like a public defender.

- Yes.
- A sad, soup-eating,

outer-borough-living
public defender.

If that's what you really
want, I can do that.

So you just get ready for
more public defending than...

-Faster!

Sounds better when you say it.

-I was just waiting for
you to realize that.

-This is bone white,
and this is ghost white.

-That's not what ghosts look
like in my neighborhood.

-So, this is your big change?

The boss gave you carte blanche
to do anything you wanted,

and that's what you did?

-Shows how much you know.

This is carte blanche.

-This opportunity
is wasted on you.

-It's not an opportunity,
Olivia, it's a curse.

I come here so I can do nothing.

And if you do nothing,
you can't fail.

-There are a million things
you can change around here.

Start with the stenographer.

-I thought y'all were friends.

She's telling everyone
you're her emergency contact.

-Oh, yeah, no, that's
only 'cause her last

three emergency contacts
mysteriously disappeared.

Wait.

Should I be worried about that?

-I would be.

-You gotta keep a stenographer
on your good side.

Otherwise, they'll
read back testimony

with just a tinge of disdain.

It could cost you a case.

But I'm just... I'm so tired of
keeping up this relentless...

Oh, hey, Maggie! Whoo!

Those pants are on you, girl.

-Is that what you think
a friend sounds like?

-Neil, I noticed the
paper, and I love it.

Want to see the first
thing I printed?

-Is that paper serious?

-The paper was a home
run. And you know what?

Feel free, next time,
take an even bigger swing.

-Big Swing Neil.

-Probably after we
do the court stuff.

-Yeah, right, the court stuff.

Uh, okay.

Uh, next up, we have...

uh, the People vs.,

uh, that guy.

-Mr. Buchwald is charged
with indecent exposure

while urinating on a Starbucks.

-Your Honor, the facts of
this case are not in dispute,

but this man... this
beautiful human person man...

Deserves better.

If your loving father had died

in the bean fields of Colombia,

you would hate coffee, too.

You see a puddle of urine,

I see a puddle of tears shed
for the loss of a dear papa.

-Sir, is any of this true?

-Please, Your Honor, don't
make my client relive

a painful experience
that happened

to millions of people...
And possibly him.

-Mr. Fielding,
what are you doing?

-I'm doing exactly what
you asked me to do.

I'm acting like a
public defender.

I'm feeling for my client.

And I have so many feelings.

They're moving around
inside my body.

-Counselor, please
approach the bench.

I like the sweater.

It really makes a
statement, like,

"I told the judge I
was gonna do something

but then did as close
to nothing as possible."

-This is not nothing.

Uh, this is me showing
that your idea of how

I should defend these clients
is no better than how I do it

because, basically,
they're all guilty anyway.

-Mr. Buchwald, I, um...

I notice this is your
first run-in with the law.

Also see here on your
intake forms you misspelled

a couple words.

You transposed your
vowels a few times.

By any chance, are you dyslexic?

-I am, Your Honor, but
it's my understanding

that's only a crime in Texas.

-And does this condition
make it difficult to, say,

type in a bathroom
security code?

-Uh, objection... The
judge is doing his job.

-Court finds in favor of defense
on the basis of disability.

Case dismissed.

-Good catch. We make
a great team, huh?

Yeah, all right, fine, fine,
fine, you made your point.

Your... Your approach
could work, too.

But, you know, I'm not
that kind of lawyer.

I deal with evidence
and precedent,

not feelings, emotions,

and "Mommy didn't hug me
enough so now I eat people."

-See, you're giving
up on yourself,

which makes you the perfect
person to represent people

who are constantly given up on.

-Fine.

Fine. All right, fine, fine.

I will try.

I will dig in.

I will get to know
my clients as people.

Just like my water bottle
says, "You Can D It."

The "O" is already washed off.

FYI, you can't get these wet.

-So, are we still
on for this weekend?

-This weeken... This... Can't.

Ugh, got my cousin's
baby shower.

-No, you don't.
On October 8th,

I asked if you had anything
planned this weekend,

and you said it was your
cousin's baby shower.

But then, on the 12th, you
said it moved to my birthday

when I invited you
to Medieval Times.

So that means that this
weekend, you are all mine.

Girls trip!

Bus leaves at 5:00 a.m.

-You have the memory
of a serial killer.

In a fun way.

-Let us talk about you
as a person, Howie.

Now, we know that you've been
dropping nets on your neighbors

because you believe them
to be "secret lizards."

But I want to get to know
the man behind the nets.

So how did we get here?

-I believe the
Constitution guarantees me

the right to a human attorney,
not a bug-eating lizard lawyer.

Okay.

Were you attacked by a
salamander when you were a kid?

D-Did your dad leave your
mom for a... a gecko?

Paint me the science-fiction
country song that is your life.

-Let me put this into
words you'll understand.

-How am I supposed
to get to know

these people when they
do stuff like that?

-Don't take this the wrong
way, but nobody likes you.

You're too tall.

You think you're
better than everybody.

You got a mean face.

There it is.

-Hold on a second.
You talk to people.

I mean, and they
talk back to you.

You could talk to them
and report back to me.

-What's in it for me?

-Joy of getting to know
your fellow human beings.

20 bucks.
- $50.

Or I'll do it for free if
you can tell me my name.

-Mm, you are getting 50 bucks.

-Goodnight, everybody.
I brought some...

Oh. Ah.

What's happening?

-So, I took your advice
and made some big moves.

I decided, why wait
months for maintenance

to paint over the water stain

when Nikolai can do a beautiful
mural of your favorite

Supreme Court
Justices in no time?

-Nikolai's painting a mural?

-Apparently, one
of his paintings

was almost in the Getty Museum.

-Ah, and why are they all
wearing baseball mitts?

-I don't do hands.

-And you hired a
new stenographer?

-Oh, that was my idea.

This is Blaine.

He types 250 words per minute,

has his own friends, and
he brought doughnuts.

-So, any big swings on your end?

-I brought doughnuts.

-As good as Blaine's?

-No.

I gotta say, you really went
for it with the changes.

And maybe you should've
run some of them by me,

but I'm proud of you, Neil.

Can you read that back, Blaine?

-"I'm proud of you, Neil."

-You didn't have to do that.

-It felt like he needed it.

-Where have you been?!

-I needed a moment to
organize my notes. Here.

- What?
- Okay, so, greens are bad news,

yellows are good news.

And for your convenience,

I've arranged them in
order of juiciness.

-I was expecting a folder.

What... This is nonsense.

-Counselor, everything okay?

-Yes, Your Honor, just
organizing my, um,

e-extensive research.

"Eats paper." What
does that even mean?

-It's pretty self-explanatory.

-I hate you.

-Okay. Next case...
People vs. Dargis.

-Mr. Fielding, are you
prepared to defend your client?

-Yes, Your Honor, so prepared.

I know all about this man.

We just shared a meal.

-Your Honor, Mr. Dargis
is charged with

disturbing the peace. He's
accused of dropping nets

on unsuspecting pedestrians
while shouting, and I quote,

"You ain't got not
style, reptile."

-Um, uh, Your Honor, before we
get into who threw what on whom,

I would like to talk about
my client as a person.

This man, he's,
um... Um, he's...

Two words.

Um, he is not...

gill...

tea.

Not guilty.

How does that help?

-What is going on?

-Your Honor, he tried
to talk to his clients,

but he hated it so much, he
paid me to do it for him.

Sorry. I'm under oath.

-Not under oath.

-I asked you to do one
thing... Your job...

And you couldn't even try?
- You know what?

If you don't like what
I'm doing, just say so.

I can leave. I
don't need this.

-Yeah, you do.

Otherwise, you're
back on your sad couch

with your freezer
full of pity meat.

-That was thank-you meat.

-Yes! For helping people!

I know you can do this.

I don't know why
you're fighting it.

-I am not one of your
improvement projects,

which, by the way, none of them
will make any difference here.

-Oh, yeah? Our
new stenographer

is a huge improvement.

Blaine is getting all of this.

-Please leave me out of this.

- Objection!
- Ooh.

Looks like one of your
huge improvement projects

just Johnny Walker-ed back in.

-Maggie, Maggie, calm down.

I know it seems like a
bad day, but every...

- Shut up!
- Okay.

- I'm here for him.
- She's the one you want.

It was her idea to fire you.

-I thought we would get to
spend more time together.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, no. Girls trip!

Whoo!

- That's a lie!
- Yeah.

-Did you mean anything that
you said on October 12th

at 5:47 p.m.?

-Okay, that's
enough. Let's go.

Whoa! Look out!

She got a...

Water bottle.

Maggie, come on.
- Stop! No!

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

-We destroyed their home, and
now they're coming for ours!

-If it makes you feel any
better, your dad used to

make birds appear in this
courtroom all the time!

I think I recognize one of them!

-Weird day.

Definitely not the weirdest.

-A whole bird flew in my mouth.

-Well, that's your
fault for having a head

that looks like a birdhouse.

Beak to butt, that
thing was in there.

-You know, even though
there's an argument to be made

that this is all her fault,

I can't help but feeling
a little bad for Abby.

But she's got to learn,
as long as she's here,

there are gonna be a lot of
disappointments in her future.

You know what?

At least I'm helping her
realize that by being her first,

because whatever it is
she thinks she sees in me,

not there.

-I hear you, man.

And I know a thing or two about
seeing things that aren't there.

There are days I feel like
maybe my stepdad is right

and I should just
hang up my lizard nets

and do sex stuff with hotties.

But then I think, do I want
my smoking-hot grandkids

living in a world that's
riddled with lizards?

-Wait.

Was that what I thought it was?

-Yeah. A client just
opened up to you.

Y'all made a real connection!

Like Neil and that bird.

-If that's your resignation, you
could just leave it right there.

This doesn't have to be awkward.

Or maybe it does.
I don't know.

I've never gotten into a
fight with an old friend

of my father's in
front of a room

full of people during
a pigeon storm.

-This is Phil Clemens.

He was arrested for performing
non-consensual haircuts.

But that was only because
his niece has alopecia

and he wanted to
create a wig for her.

He complimented your
hair, by the way,

so I'd keep my back to
the wall if he's around.

This is Rosa Rosenberg.

She was arrested for
carrying a concealed weapon,

but it is a completely
non-functional

emotional-support gun.

Reminds her of her father.

His name was Colt.

He died at 45.

-So you connected
with your clients?

-There's one more.

This is Dan Fielding.

He can be a bit of a prick,

but he's smart enough to realize
that having someone around

who can see the best in people
is probably a good thing.

We had that type
here once before.

And it seems, to him,

that it's a good thing to
try and help that person.

It couldn't be the very, very
worst way to spend his time.

-♪ Dan, you'll be a
great public defender ♪

♪ You're gonna
be here forever ♪

-Don't sing sentences.

And I'm still just
here temporarily.

But now that I am
the whole package,

New York is gonna
have to brace itself

for the number of criminals
I am gonna set free.

-Not exactly what I had in mind
but enough to cross "Fix Dan"

off my list.

-I knew I was on there!

-You're on there
like four more times.

So, the Getty Museum Nikolai
almost had his painting in

wasn't the famous one
in L.A., it was...

-It was The Estelle Getty
Museum in Miami, Florida.

Apparently, Nikolai
learned American painting

from watching "Golden
Girls" reruns,

and that's all he can paint.

I might not be a big-swing guy.

-I appreciate you trying.

I know it probably doesn't feel
like it right at this moment,

but I really believe
we're on the right track.

People are starting to buy in.

And at least you made
one big improvement...

You got the birds
out of the ceiling.

They're finally gone.

-They're not gone.

They're just waiting.

But next time, I will be ready.

-Hey, shouldn't he
be cleaning this up?

-Are you gonna tell him?

- Nope.
- Yeah.