Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

- Wow, that was a tricky clasp.
- Thanks for the help.

People are usually scared
of me, for some reason.

-Why, 'cause you
have a few tattoos?

What's so scary about
a flaming skull?

-That's my Nana.

-Aw. I love her cheekbones.

-I hope you're not in
a rush to get to court.

This could take awhile...
Arlo has more jewelry

than a pawn shop
after Valentine's Day.

-It's okay if I'm a little late.

They can't start without
me. I'm the judge.



-Oh, you're the new
night court judge.

Well, let me be the first
to introduce you to me.

I'm your bailiff,
Donna Gurganous.

Everyone calls me Gurgs.
- Oh, so nice to meet you, Gurgs.

I'm Abby Stone. I just
moved here from upstate.

-Judge Stone. That
sounds familiar.

-Maybe you heard of
my dad, Harry Stone?

He worked here back in the '90s.

Yeah, I guess anyone
who worked with my dad

moved on a long time ago.

-Oak milk latte for Tad.

Non-drink for a non-name.

-Dan Fielding? Is that you?

-If I have to be, yeah.
Yes. A hot tea for Mary.



Oh, you know what? You
could make that at home.

I'll get you the recipe.

-You know, the last
time I saw you,

I had a client in night court.

-Yeah, I left that place years
ago, have not looked back.

-I've looked forward
to this for so long.

I can't believe I
get to work here.

My dad used to tell the
most wonderful stories

over the years about...
- The people.

To call the criminals
that came through

that court the
bottom of the barrel

is an insult to the
bottom of the barrel.

More like the stuff that
grows underneath the barrel.

They all deserve...
- A judge who sees them

for more than their crime.

That's what my dad did, and
that's what I want to do.

I believe anyone is capable
of turning things...

-Around. Turn the top around,

and the milk will come out.

Skinny latte for Barry.

- That's mine.
- Oh, wait.

Are you Barry Grenache?
- Yeah.

-Oh, I got something
else for you.

Consider yourself served.

I've been working
here three weeks.

Where the hell you been?

Hey, Louis, thanks
for the assist.

Oh, by the way, I'm
keeping the hat and this,

because you made me
clean the bathroom.

-Wait, so this is all an act?

The whole barista
thing? That fake beard?

-Barista, yeah. But this
is my real face, ass...

-Holy moly, I can't
wait to get started.

Oh, no. Arlo forgot
his nose ring.

-That wasn't in his nose.

-Dad never mentioned
that in his stories.

-Welcome to night court.

All rise. Manhattan
Criminal Court

Part Two is now in session.

The Honorable Apny
Strone presiding.

-Uh, it's Abby Stone,
but that's okay.

-This is what happens
when I overprepare.

Let me take another crack at it.

The Stormatable Abner Splumf.

The Abomomitable Snowmay...
- Close enough.

This is night court and
we're running out of night.

-Oh, thanks. Neil, right?

I like the way you clerk it.

Alright, let's do this.
- Olivia Moore, your honor,

representing the
City of New York.

Look at us. Excuse me while
I brush a few pieces of

the glass ceiling
off my shoulder.

-Nice to meet you, counselor.

And I assume that you
are our public defender?

-Paul Grossman... and as someone
who's fallen through an actual

glass ceiling, I find your
comments in poor taste.

-First up, we have the People
vs Esmerelda the Magnificent.

-AKA Jane Horowitz, the
repeat fraud offender.

Ms. Horowitz is charged
with criminal impersonation

for misrepresenting
her ability to make

100% accurate predictions.
- Where's the proof?

-The State would like to
submit into evidence this sign,

which says the
thing I just said.

-Oof. I didn't know
she'd have a sign.

The defense rests.
- Hang on, hang on.

I'd love to just dig
in a bit and hear

Ms. Horowitz's side of things.

-Oh, no. We don't dig here.

I make my case, you're
awed by my charm.

Bangy-bangy, we move on.

This is clearly fraud.

-Well, it's only fraud
if she's not psychic.

-Hold on. You... You want
her to prove she's psychic?

-Yeah, I don't know
if we have time...

-Oh, you know what they say.

There's always
time for CPLR 4011,

which allows judges
broad discretion

to regulate the
conduct of the trial

in a setting of proper decorum.

Also, they gave me this
fancy wooden hammer,

so I kind of get
to do what I want.

Alright, Ms. the Magnificent,
let's see what you got.

-You think you're better
than this place...

-Oh, hang on, I'm gonna
need to hear the voice.

You think
you're better than this place

and are desperate to
work at a big firm.

-Well, that's obvious, I'm not
just gonna rot here like Paul.

-I'd love to disagree,
but this isn't

how a 30 year old
man should look.

-You took this job to
minimize expectations,

and you're in a hurry to
leave, but have no place to go.

-Okay, she might be magic.

- What number am I thinking of?
- All of them.

-Get out of my head!

-Okay, now me.

-I'm sensing you
are career-driven.

-'Cause I'm young for a judge?

-I am seeing you are
new to this place.

-'Cause I was unsure
of my clerk's name?

-But as successful as you are,

you are unlucky in love.

-'Cause I'm not wearing a ring?

Which I took off to set you up.

I'm very happily engaged.

My fiancé is upstate
and moving down soon.

-Oh, you're going to fry.

-Not quite. 50 hours
of community service.

Paul? You didn't put
up much of a fight.

I expected more.

But... ah, I see
you trying harder,

'cause I'm gonna
keep pushing you,

'cause I believe in you.

-That's all I needed to hear.

I quit.
- Quit?

-Yeah. I didn't take
this job to work hard

or have some kid tell
me she believes in me.

-Paul. Paul, come back.

I don't believe
in you that much!

-Oh, don't worry, Judge,
he does this sort of thing

all the time.
- Really?

-Nah, I was just
trying to cheer you up.

I think you broke him.

Look what I found in storage.

I think it's some of
your daddy's old stuff.

-Oh, my gosh. Really?

Oh.

I can't believe it's you!

Welcome home, Clarence.

-Well, I'm off to investigate
a report of vandalism.

Apparently, the culprit
rearranged letters

on the directory board
to spell joke names.

-I saw that. "Hugh
Janus" was my favorite.

Get it? Hugh Janus?

-So an attack on
this court is funny.

-They just moved
some letters around.

-Moving letters is a huge deal.

Ask Vanna White.

-Legal Aid said they'll
send another public defender

as soon as they can.

-What if we get another Paul?

-We'd be lucky to
get another Paul.

He had a way of not caring

that would make the
night just fly by.

-We can do better than that.

We need someone who cares as
much about people as I do.

I think I might
know just the guy.

-You better not have forgotten
the coleslaw this time!

I have all the Girl
Scout cookies I need.

Thanks.

-Maybe that wasn't Dan Fielding.

-No, it was.

-Mr. Fielding, I'm not a
Girl Scout, but if I was,

that door slam might have
really hurt my feelings.

Though I guess I'd
have the support

of a nurturing community

who would help rebuild
my self confidence

and set me on an empowered
path of discovery and self...

-Who are you, and why
are you still talking?

-My name is Abby Stone. You
used to work with my dad.

-You're Harry's daughter?

Come in.

-Hope you don't
mind me dropping by.

I found your address in
a box of my dad's stuff.

-Yeah, no. Uh, no.

It's, uh, fine. It's just...

Sorry, it's been,
well, quite awhile

since I did any entertaining.

Oh, duck sauce?

-For later.

-I was sorry to hear
about your father.

We had lost touch over the
years, but he was a great guy.

-I know he felt the
same way about you.

-Mm.

-I almost didn't recognize
you with the beard.

In pictures, you always
looked so put together.

Not that the beard
isn't a good look.

It's... It's a great way
to cover up a weird neck.

Not that your neck is weird.
It's... Wow, look at that view!

-That is what sold
Sarah on the place.

-Is Sarah your wife?

-She was.

So, what brings you to town?

-I moved here for a job.

I am the new night court judge.

-Anyway, our public
defender quit,

and I was wondering if
you might be interested.

-In being a public defender?

I'm afraid you've confused
me with someone else,

someone who likes people.

-Huh. Then I guess this
doesn't mean anything to you?

-Pull the rest of the
table out of there,

I'll be very impressed.

-It's a souvenir from the
night that my dad almost quit

being a judge; you
found him in a pool hall

and helped him go back to
the thing that he loved.

You said you admired him.

-Doesn't ring a bell.

-You also called
him "a pathetic,

whiny, wheezy jackass twig."

-Oh, that I remember.

That was a very long time ago.

You know, my practicing
days are behind me.

Nowadays, I'm in more
of a supportive role.

- Teaching?
- I'm a process server.

The look on someone's
face when you tell them

they've been served at their
kid's flag football game,

priceless.

-Hmm.

The guy with all
those thank you cards

must like people a little bit.

-Occasionally with the
subpoena, I'll throw in

a little free legal advice,
just so that the poor bastards

don't do something
utterly stupid.

And they'll thank
me with a card,

or 26 pounds of
black market ribeyes.

Here.

One for the road? Don't
ask where they came from.

These cows have seen stuff.

-Come to the courthouse tonight.

I could really
use some pointers.

I've been a judge upstate,
but night court is...

-A non-stop freak
show. A fetid swamp.

Am I close? Come on,
you know I'm close.

-It's different.

Please? You're the
only person I know

who gets how that world works,

or at least the only
person who's still around.

-Yeah, okay.

I'll stop by.

So now, as I said,
it's been quite awhile

since I entertained.

How do you get someone to leave?

-Tell me a story, board.

Who hurt you?

Oh, I can't believe this
is happening on my watch.

-Is there a world in
which you're taking this

a little too seriously?
- Oh, Neil.

Innocent, naive, simple,

narrow-hipped Neil.

I wish I could tell
you the world was all

sunshine and flapjacks, but
this is no isolated incident.

Or have you forgotten the
events of last Thursday,

when our courtroom's light
bulbs were swapped out

for fingerling potatoes?

-It's just a dumb joke, it's
not like anybody's gonna believe

Gary Buttmouth is a real person?

-I'm looking for Gary Buttmouth?

-You think there's a Gary
Buttmouth working here

and his office is...

1814.

He's coming for me.

That's my office.

-So, I'm going to ask
you one more time.

Who threw the first punch?

- He did.
- I did? You did!

-Cut it out! Cut it out!

-Maybe we should just
let them kill each other.

It's basically
Thunderdome around here

without a public defender.

- Let's take five.
- You don't want to just rule

real quick? Or take
five. Maybe 10.

-Hey, Sally. Yes, it's me.

Let's not make a big
deal about it, okay?

-So is it weird being back?

Like going to your
old high school?

-No, more like a
trip to the dentist.

Slightly unpleasant, and there's

a decent chance a total stranger

will try to stick their
hand in your mouth.

-So, you want to check
out my dad's old chambers?

I bet that box of stuff we
found will bring back memories

of your glory days.
- No, thank you.

I prefer leaving the
past in the past.

If these walls could talk,
they'd say, "Kill me."

-Oh, Olivia Moore,
this is Dan Fielding.

He used to be the Assistant
District Attorney of this court.

-Oh, wow, a former night court
Assistant District Attorney.

Of all the days to leave
my selfie stick at home.

-Well, you could
always tape your phone

to that stick up your...
- Oh.

I am liking this back and forth.

Maybe it's just me, but I
would love to see you two

squaring off every night.
- Mm-hmm.

Judge, may I have a word?

-I'm gonna go get some coffee.

Alone.

-I don't want to question your
usually impeccable judgment,

but if you think
Truck Stop Santa's

gonna be our new public
defender, you're delusional.

-I think he'd be perfect.

-Self-centered narcissists
aren't public defenders.

We're prosecutors.

-Okay, yes, he shot me
down once, but I think with

a little push, I can get
him to a solid maybe.

Okay, open your eyes.

-I never closed them.

Wait a minute. I
know these people.

These are all
people I've served.

Oh, wait, wait, am I dying and
only the most irrelevant parts

of my life are flashing
before my eyes?

-These aren't just
people you served.

These are lives you've changed.

-Look, I appreciate
you trying to give me

a billiard ball moment,

but I like my life the
way it is, thank you.

-You say you're happy all
alone, ordering takeout

and stockpiling freezer meat,

but I think you
could thrive here.

Don't you want
that for yourself?

-Why are we talking about me?
You're the one that needs help.

-Oh, I just said that
to get you to come here.

-You sure about that, because
last time I checked your

public defender quit, you're
driving your clerk insane,

and is that ketchup
on your robe?

-I'll have you know that
might be twin blood.

Look, I'm just trying
to do the right thing,

and if people aren't on board
for that, that's on them.

-Your problem is that you
think being right matters.

Yeah, good judges
decide what's right.

Great judges convincepeople.

That's what made your
father so special.

When he wasn't zapping
people with joy buzzers

or stuffing springy
snakes into everything.

Because of that
man, it was a decade

before I could eat a canned nut.

-So now you want to
talk about the past?

-If you don't like
what I have to say,

next time you find
an address in a box,

why don't you just
leave it there?

-Sure, because keeping
things boxed up

seems to be your thing...
Your past, your feelings,

you've put your
whole life in a box

and won't let anyone in.
- Wait, hold on a second.

Am I in the box or am I
putting things in the box?

- I kind of lost the thread.
- Yeah.

-The point is,

you're afraid to open that box.

-You know what? It was
lovely meeting you,

and good luck with the
saving the world thing.

I am sure that it's
gonna happen any day now.

-I'm gonna pretend
you're being sincere,

and there's nothing
you can do about it!

-I tried everything!
Following the money,

police psychic, unlikely
partner to a dog,

going undercover as a teen.

-How many of those
did you actually do?

-You're missing the
point... All this work,

and I came up with
jack diddly squat,

which incidentally, is
a name on the board.

This guy is a criminal
master mind, like...

Like a Hannibal.

Or it's "Fight Club."

Maybe I really am
Gary Buttmouth.

No, no, no, no.

I gotta hurry up and stop
me before I do something

I can't even believe
I'm capable of.

-Are you gonna tell
her it was you?

-My job isn't
exactly fulfilling,

so I've got to find ways to keep
my brain from eating itself.

You're not gonna
rat me out, are you?

-No.

You've got to cool it, though.

I've already lost
a public defender.

If I lose a bailiff,
you might be next.

-Knowing my luck, I might
just end up in a later court.

-So if court clerk isn't
your dream job, what is?

-Oh, no. No, no, no.

You're not doing
that thing to me.

- What thing?
- That thing where you

ask questions and dig deeper

and turn a simple
jaywalking charge

into a full-on therapy session.

I mean, I'm glad Ellie
made a major breakthrough.

She can't be the son her
father always wanted her to be,

and that's his issue, not hers.

And why do I know any of this?

-Yeah, I guess I'm
always looking for what's

going on underneath.

My dad used to do a
lot of magic tricks,

and whenever I asked
him how they were done,

he would say, "It's magic."

Drove me crazy.

He thought if I knew
how they worked,

I wouldn't like them
as much, but to me,

the truth was the magic.

I feel that way about people.

It's hard not to like
them once you know

what's going on underneath.

I see how that makes me a
pain in the butt as a judge

and as a fan of magic.

And as an Uber passenger.

-I guess I could take a
closer look at the docket,

find a little more
time for digging in.

-Neil, that would be amazing!

-But just a little more, like,
five minutes here and there.

- I'm hearing 10!
- You're hearing five!

- Nine?
- You're gonna do whatever you want anyway.

-You get me, Neil!

-Afraid to open a box.

Huh.

Well, this place hasn't changed,

right down to the guy fishing
dead birds out of the ceiling.

Hey, you know what?

I wanted to ask you something.

Say a lifetime ago, you
worked with a guy, right?

Had your ups and downs, but on
the whole, like each other...

Respected, even.

The job ends. You go
your separate ways.

Life happens. You
live and you love.

And you lose, big time,

so you close off your heart.

Then one day, the child of
that almost forgotten guy

comes to you and
asks for your help.

Would you take the chance?

Would you... open
that heart up again,

let feelings in, knowing
that undoubtedly,

it would hurt again
at some point?

-There is a saying
in my country.

"When man is holding dead bird,

tell shorter story."

-And that is why I
don't open up to people.

But I am not afraid
to open a box.

Oh! Harry!

Okay.

I'll think about it.

-To save time, can we just
do all the public urinations

at once?

-Sure.

Guilty. Guilty.

Impressive, but guilty.

Come on, man.

-Oh, to try a case that
doesn't involve genitals.

That'd be the dream.

-Your Honor, Dan
Fielding for the defense.

-Wait, you... You
actually got him?

-Maybe there's a chance I'm
not being catfished after all.

-We've never met, but you...

definitely are.

-Get that perfectly
normal neck over here.

-Alright, look, I just
want to say this one thing.

I'm only here to help out
temporarily, a few days.

- I'm hearing weeks.
- If you keep smiling like that,

I'm out of here right
now, so just knock it off.

That's better.
- Better, Your Honor.

-I'm already regretting this.

-I'd like to know
how you did this.

- Maybe it's just magic.
- You have no idea, do you?

-No freaking clue.

-Well, whatever you
did, you pulled it out.

-Speaking of pulling it out...

Sorry, too easy.

Mr. Gates was brought
in for lewd conduct.

Obviously, this man
is a depraved menace

and has no place
in decent society.

-Oh, Mr. Fielding, I'd
just like to remind you,

you're the defense.

-Your Honor,

my client... Dare
I say my friend...

Is an outstanding
pillar of his community

and we are wasting
the court's time

with this gross
miscarriage of justice.

If you'll indulge me,

I'd just like to know
what's underneath all this.

- You're the judge.
- No! Oh! Just...

And I left my house for this.

-It's funny!