Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Just Tuesday - full transcript

-Happy Treat Tuesday.

This is my world-famous
creation...

Half brownie, half blondie
so they come out beige.

But Beige-ies sounds horrible,
so I call them Khakis.

Jump in.

-Jump into your khakis?

This is a hall of justice,
not a Connecticut key party.

-You did a lot of baking.

-Well, I had to do
gluten-free for Laura

and gluten-heavy for Timo,

and Sandy's allergic to nuts
but wouldn't say which ones,



so I had to do six
different kinds for him.

It's like Russian
Roulette, but yummy.

- Ugh.
- What, are they bad?

-No. They're delicious,

which is somehow more annoying.

-Guess who's back?
Vincent Graziano.

Back after 2 days. The
over-under was 2.5.

-Yes! Ha! Ah!

The under takes it. Ah!

-It's easy money.

Graziano's been arrested for
possession of stolen items

four times in three weeks.

-Yeah, who could have guessed
that a repeat offender

would not show up to paint
the wall of a rec center?



Oh, that's right... everyone.

-I just think, if you
show a little compassion,

you can put people
on a better path.

-Yeah, it all sounds exhausting.

It's all that caring.

-Don't worry about me, Dan.

I've always got my
emotional-support grouch.

And your vest came in. I
can take you on planes now.

-So, is tonight the night

finally you throw
the book at Graziano?

-Mm. There's something
going on with that guy.

He only started committing
crimes a few weeks ago.

I've got one more little
move I'm gonna try on him.

- Ha!
- Ohh.

-Feed me! Feeeeeed me.

-Okay, I like that
you guys are bonding,

but I wish it wasn't over
mocking my judicial philosophy.

-Ooh, you know what?

That's the perfect
size for my winnings.

- ADA Moore.
- Oh.

-I got you a little something

to help with the
evening rush hour.

-Oh, thank you, Officer.

Don't mind if I doo-oo-woo-oo.

Oh.

Come on, Gurgs, don't judge me.

Pretty much the only
upside to working here

is that the cops give
me perks to thank me

for constantly winning
all their cases.

-No judgement here.

The coroner gave
me these earrings.

Jane Doe.
- Ooh.

-What's next, Neil?

-It's everybody's
favorite recidivist,

our returning champion,
Vincent Graziano.

- Someone got a haircut.
- Latest charge...

Not showing up for
community service.

-Uh, Your Honor, my client does
not dispute the parole violation

and will accept any punishment

that the Court
deems... appropriate.

-I don't accept this
plea, Mr. Graziano.

I think we're about
to get to the bottom

of what's really
going on with you.

Last time you were here,
you mentioned that you spent

some of your childhood
in a youth home.

-Did I? You were asking
a lot of questions.

I said a lot of things.

-So I had my clerk track
down someone from your past.

-I got to do some digging.

I was her "The Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo."

-Were you that? Or were
you her "Blue's Clues?"

-Since I haven't been able
to get through to you,

I think I found someone who can.

-Permission to approach
the bench, Your Honor?

Surprise guest? Who
are you, DJ Khaled?

Yeah, okay, fine, I have
Spotify, and sometimes

it shuffles to things
that I don't understand.

-I just think this guy
needs a little intervention.

-Look, I appreciate you
wanting to help, all right,

but this is a court, not
a therapist's office,

no matter how many mental
patients march through here.

-Well, get ready to arrest my
heart for indecent exposure,

'cause I'm about to be
flashin' some compassion.

-Ugh.

-Don't type that, please.

Father Manny, could you
please approach the bench?

-Uh, Your Honor, I really don't
think this is a good idea.

-Lorenzo, what are
you doing here?

-Lorenzo? No, this is Vincent.

Graziano?

-Um, Your Honor,

oooobjection!

Adjourned!

-This is Lorenzo Mullen.

He brings troubled
youth to my program.

-He's a very private person.

Father, do not finish.

- Oh, I get it now.
- Neil!

-Yeah, okay, sorry. I
almost let that slip.

He's an undercover cop.

-So, who here can keep a secret?

Great! And who here is lying?

-Outing an undercover cop
could have happened to anybody.

I mean, how long has that
microphone even been there?

-Since my first week...

in 1984.

-Apparently, he was trying
to get thrown in jail

so he could earn the
trust of Giovanni Totino,

infiltrate the family, and
entertain thousands of dads

by inspiring the
next Scorsese movie.

-Ooh, what I wouldn't give
to live that undercover life.

Shoebox full of passports,

meeting up with your
boss in a parking garage,

shooting your partner
to prove you're legit,

not knowing where Gurgs ends
and Sasha Santiago begins.

-Oh, hey, guys.

Hey.

D-Did you see that?
They just iced me.

Hey, I'm the one who does
the icing around here!

-Right, since we do not know
what we're walking into,

you guys go first.

-Hey, Your Honor, just wanted
to see how you were doing

and if anyone else needs to be
worried about how they're doing.

-I'm okay.

I mean, how was I supposed to
know he wanted to go to jail?

-I mean, how could
anyone know that a guy

who committed multiple
crimes, pled guilty,

and then tried to get
a "Lock Him Up" chant

going in the courtroom
secretly wanted to go to jail?

-Upstate we only had
one undercover cop.

And I think the only reason
Earl went undercover was

so that he could win the high
school state championship at 26.

Also, he'd never been kissed.

-Good for Earl.

-Lorenzo wasn't even
in super deep yet.

He was just 10 months
into the operation.

10 months. 10
months? 10 months!

Now that I say it out loud,
it sounds so much longer

than when you read
it in the file.

You could grow a
baby in 10 months.

This is bad.

No. No.

We're doing good here.

I mean, I can't get
everything right.

I'm just one judge trying
to make a difference.

But what if I'm making
the difference wrong?

If I had just sent him to
jail rather than trying

to figure him out,
everything would be fine.

But I didn't, so
it's not. It's bad.

This is very bad.

I feel like I made the city
a more dangerous place today.

Or did I make it a more
dangerous place in the future?

Neither one sounds good.

-Relax, Your Honor. As
long as you didn't affect

anything in the
past, we're good.

Oh! Where's Neil?

- Sorry, tying my shoe.
- Oh, thank God.

I thought you got
Butterfly Effected.

-I think I'm gonna just
go think about this a bit.

Let's call it a night.
We can panic tomorrow.

I mean,
pick it up tomorrow.

-So, what do you
guys want to do now?

Ha! Kidding.

-Well, I was right.
The cops are mad at me.

They're taking
all my perks away.

Just now, when I was walking
through the building,

I had to go through... security.

-We all do.

-Not me. I get waved through.

Today I just had to
stand there and wait.

There were people in
front of me, behind me.

They were all just
standing there.

It was madness.

-That's a line.
They're everywhere.

-Oh, good. Abby's here.
I could do with a treat.

Wait, why are her arms empty?

Am I hallucinating
from dehydration

after standing so long in
that... that... that thing?

-Hey, everyone, I'm
glad you're all here.

There's something I wanted
to talk to you about.

-Is it about where
you're hiding the treats?

Because I don't see any.

-Actually, Neil, it's
about a decision I've made.

I'm always advocating digging
into defendants' lives,

and, well, last night I did
some soul searching on myself.

It's time a face
some hard truths.

I don't have a head for hats,

and I need to change the
way I approach this job.

I mean, I didn't realize
that the way I do things

might actually hurt people.

So, from now on, I am just
going to be a normal judge.

-Normal judge?

Like one who calls
balls and strikes,

one who doesn't ask deep
and probing questions?

One who will cancel
this Friday's

"Bring Your Dog to Court Night"?

It's already off the calendar.

-From here on out, I am
all about boundaries,

boundaries in the court
room and all other rooms.

Got it? Now, Officer
Gruganous, start in 10.

-My full name? I feel
like I'm in trouble.

Like when my mama calls
me Officer Gruganous.

-This is good.

Things will run a lot
smoother around here.

We shouldn't be upset. We
should be throwing a party.

-With what treats,
Dan? With what treats?

-Oh. Officers, hi.

Um, I just came from outside
where my car was getting towed.

I-I-I chased the
truck three blocks,

then I had to walk
10 blocks back

because the driver didn't stop
when I jumped on the hood.

-Were you parked in a red zone?

Because no one can park
in a red zone, ma'am.

-N-N-No, but it's... but I...

I'm tired of living
like a regular person.

I gotta figure out what
I can do to fix this.

-Well, I could talk to them,
get to the bottom of it.

-Oh, yes, yes, that would
be amazing, thank you.

-Don't thank me.
Thank Sasha Santiago.

-Is this about you
wanting to help,

or do you just want
to go undercover?

- Well, couldn't it be both?
- Okay, fine.

-Let's call the first case.

-We're just gonna start?

But I didn't get to
do me "All rise."

That's in the Constitution.

-Okay, The People
versus Nate Crabbe.

-Mr. Crabbe is charged
with a D-and-D D-and-D.

Drink and disorderly while
playing "Dungeons and Dragons."

-Your Honor, my client is
a Class-18 Barbarian Ogre

who got a little too into
character swinging his war-horn.

That is not a euphemism.

It would be a little less
embarrassing if it was.

-It says here your client was
drunk and brandishing a weapon.

So seems pretty straightforward.

-Yes, uh, yes, there are
just maybe a few details

that you should consider.

They were celebrating
the wedding

of Condor the Paladin
and Mordecai the Warg.

And you know how
people get at weddings.

-The court is only interested
in facts from this realm,

so can we wrap it up, Counselor?

-But I learned Nerd for this.

Your Honor, I truly appreciate

your new business
approach to the job,

but, uh, maybe you're
overcorrected a bit.

Permission to approach.

- Denied.
- Denied?

That's never... happened before.

Permission to... lean?

I'm pretty tall.

I think I can...

-Okay, if there's
nothing further,

the Court is ready to rule.

In light of the defendant's
reckless behavior,

I have no choice but to...

-You're making a mistake.

-What did you say?

-I think you're
allowing your issues

to cloud your judgement in this
particular case, Your Honor.

- I find the defendant...
- Don't.

- I find the defendant...
- Nope.

-That's one count of
contempt for Mr. Fielding.

- Objection!
- On what grounds?

-I cite the precedent
of Anderson versus...

-Make that two counts.

Officer, take him and book him.

-Okay, now, look,

all the gangs are
gonna want you.

Now, take your time deciding.

Enjoy being courted.

-Oh...

-Hey, hey, hey,
it's Treat Tuesday!

So I went to a bakery.

We gotta keep the
tradition alive, right?

-Just a few random Tuesdays,
Neil, not really a tradition.

It's not like the fireworks
on the Fourth of July

or eating a groundhog on
the third of February.

-Um...

Uh, quick heads up...

The only place open at 1:00
a.m. was an adult bakery.

-Neil!

-The icing guy wouldn't put
bras on the A-cup cupcakes.

I asked, but he said "I
don't come to where you work

and tell you what to
do with your nipples."

Look, I just want to help,
and with Dan locked up,

I'm trying to be... the Dan.

-If you want to
be more like him,

you could try pointing
out my flaws in court.

I'm focusing on my own
defects of character.

Now he has time to focus on his.

-So, I know I
didn't fix anything,

but did I make it worse?

Fair enough.

If anyone asks, I'm gonna
say that this went well.

-Check, check. Gurgs,
you getting this?

-Audio, check.

Now I just gotta remember the
two rules of going undercover.

Rule number one...
Earn their trust.

Hey, fellas, got
room for one more?

- Gurgs!
- Gurgs! Hey, come on over.

-Trust... check.

Rule number two...
Don't fall in love.

-Wait, what? Why
is that a rule?

-I got a seat for you, Gurgs.

-He's why that's a rule.

Don't fall in love.

Gurgs, remember your training.

So, uh, you guys
mad at any lawyers?

Only all of them.

-Hot and funny?
He's a damn unicorn.

I'm in too deep.

-Hey, what's this on your badge?

Oh, it's marinara.

-Oh, can I get a taste?

-Okay!

That's it. You're out.
You've been compromised.

Abort. Abort.

-What... What's that?

You're breaking up. You
must be out of range.

-I'm 12 feet away.

You can hear me!

-Ah-choo!

- Bless you.
- Hm! Bless me, indeed.

Somebody in
here wearing cheap cologne?

-Nope, just drinking it.

Ah!

-Oh, Dan, good,
you're still here.

-Yes, you know, they have
this intricate system

of locks and bars to make
sure none of us leave.

-I'm really worried about Abby.

Can you just pay the
fine and talk to her?

-No. I will not go up there
and pry her back to her senses.

-This is more than just a funk.

She's using Gurgs' full
name, she hasn't thanked

any of the drug-sniffing
dogs for their service,

she's talking about your
"defects of character"...

-Defects of char...

All right, I'll do it.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, just get me out of here.

-Okay.

I'll take the big guard...
- No, no, no, no.

Do the paperwork.
I'll pay the fine.

-Oh, thank God. I couldn't
take the big guard.

-Not with that
attitude, you can't.

-How'd you get out?

-I'd rather not relive it.

-You paid the 40
bucks, didn't you?

-It was horrible.

So, listen, I know that
sharing, um, personal stories

is sort of out of vogue
around this joint right now,

but, um...

My late wife,
Sarah, was in recovery

for a few years
even before we met,

and she was always adamant about

being of service to others.

I-I often thought
that she went too far.

I was selfish. I wanted
her to be with me.

But I soon realized that it
was as much, if not more,

for her than it was
for those other folks.

And when she couldn't help
someone find their way,

it weighed on her.

Maybe like this has
been weighing on you.

-What was she in recovery for?

-Booze.

-Me, too. How did yo...

-"Defects of character."

Plus, now I remember you
once called a surprise party

a "birthday intervention."

-I lost a lot of
time with my dad

when I was at my worst.

Ashamed to be around him.

But he always had faith in me.

He said he was keeping
that faith safe

until I had it in myself again.

I'm glad I got into
recovery in time for him

to see me get better, but...

I never felt like I could
make up for that lost time.

It's one of the reasons
I took the job here,

to feel connected to him.

So when it's not going
well or I mess up,

it's like I'm failing
him all over again.

-The Harry I knew... pfft.

You failing him?

That thought would
have never even

remotely entered his mind.

And just... also,
there's folks around here

who have a lot of faith in you.

- Thanks, Dan.
- And you know what?

Think about it...
You were right.

Graziano wasn't a criminal.

-So if I was right,
that means that you...

-Don't... Don't finish that.

Now, i-if you don't mind,

my time in the clink has
made me rather hungry.

Too hungry to ask.

-Gurgs, I'm pulling
you off the case.

-But I'm so close to cracking
this thing wide open.

I just need to
get Grayson alone.

I'm thinking long weekend,
Poconos, heart-shaped tub.

And I will get
everything out of him.

-This is stupid, all right?

I'm just gonna go over
there and say something.

-Oh, but you'll blow my cover.

-You're playing yourself.

Okay, enough.

I have been prosecuting
your collars for years.

Then one mistake and
you blackball me?

You... You get my car towed?

You withhold
evidence-room goodie bags?

This has gone too far.

I deserve free stuff!

-We don't know what you're
talking about, ma'am.

-Oh, yeah? This bad
boy ringing any bells?

-By the way, have you met

Detective Richards
from Internal Affairs?

Since the outing
of our colleague,

I.A. has been in tow.

-I see.

And that is why security
has been tighter.

- It's always tight.
- Always tight.

Well, I-I just
wanted to show you

my... party light.

Ooh-wa-ooh-wa! Ooh-wa-ooh-wa!

Ooh-wa-ooh-wa!
Thank you, Gurgs.

-You're welcome.

Now, I know he's gorgeous,

but you touch him,
I'll kill you.

-It's hard to be in a bad
mood around X-rated desserts.

Thank God it's no
one's birthday.

I wouldn't know where
to put the candle.

-I guess for every top
chef, there's a bottom chef.

-I don't know why
everyone's being so polite

to this filthy box.
Can't we just jump in?

-Get in there, Gurgs.

-Aw, my nickname is back.

-Thank you all for
hanging with me this week.

It's nice to know you're there
to support me when I need it.

-To Abby.

-To Abby.