NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Cane - full transcript

Hey, Bill.

Something wrong
with your leg?

Not that I'm aware of,
but thanks for asking.

Oh, well, if there's nothing
wrong with your leg,

then why the cane?

What?

The cane.

The walking stick.

Oh, you mean my cane.

Yeah, I picked her up

at an antique store
during lunch.



They say she's over
a hundred years old.

Hand-carved mahogany
with a solid brass tip.

What's wrong, Dave?

Don't you like my cane?

Again, Bill, why
do you have a cane?

You like my cane,
don't you, Catherine?

It's a cane, Bill.
Who cares?

You see.

It's just like that old saying,
"everybody loves a cane."

No, Bill, I think
the old saying is,

"everybody loves
a clown,"

which is what
you look like

with that thing.

Ah, you're jealous of her,
aren't you?



No, Bill. No. No,
I'm not jealous of her.

It's just that it's such
an obvious affectation.

I mean, it's such a desperate
bid for attention.

Maybe,
or maybe I just like canes.

But Bill, you're not using
the cane for anything.

The cane should have
a function.

Excuse me.
Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for
Chapman Graphic Arts.

Are they on this floor?

Oh, the graphic
arts place. They're--

Allow me.

You, my good man,

are going to get back
on the elevator,

go down one floor,

step off the elevator,
turn left.

♪ Walk down the hallway ♪

♪ And the graphic
Arts shop is ♪

♪ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 doors
Down on the right ♪

♪ Just open the door... ♪

♪ And you're home ♪

Thank you.

Just glad
I could be of service.

Bagel, Dave?

[♪]

Dave. Psst.

Matthew, why are you
whispering at me?

Because there's something
not right between me and Joe.

It's like every time
he looks at me lately,

it's like he's zapping me
with hate rays or something.

You know, it's like, zap.

Zap, zap, zap.

Really? Zap.
Zap, zap, zap, huh?

Please don't
mock me, David.

It's really hard
not to.

Just watch him.
Watch him.

Okay, Matthew, tell you what.

I'll go over, I'll talk to Joe

if you promise to get
back to work, okay?

Good idea. Go, go, go.

Well, work, work, work.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, what's up?

Is there a problem
with you and Matthew?

No. Matthew's my buddy.

You're my buddy,
right, Matthew?

Yeah, yeah.
You want to go to lunch?

No.

I've gone to lunch
every day with him

for the past five months.

I just...I need a little space.

I understand.
But you don't hate him?

No, I don't hate him.

He just needs to back
off for a couple of days.

Well, thanks, Joe.

God, what a relief.

He just wants you to give him
some space, that's all.

Space? What is that
supposed to mean?

Just leave the guy alone
for a few days, all right?

Okay, okay, good.

Okay.

I got to talk to Joe.

Oh, Matthew.

Hello, Matthew.

I got to talk to Joe.

Then talk to him you shall.

Afternoon, lieutenant.

Nice out there today.

Perfect cane weather.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess Central Park
must be just full

of idiots
with canes, then.

Good afternoon, people.

Hey, Bill, nice, uh,
ooh, nice stick.

You're very gracious,
sir.

Hey, Dave.
Need a brown bean fix?

No, sir. I wouldn't
want to O.D.

Yeah, I've seen the coffee
and the damage done myself.

So, you're ready for
the annual staff retreat?

Uh, sure. When?

Tonight.

Uh-huh. What is it?

Oh, well, you know,
once a year,

I like to get the staff
together

at the corporate office,

lock the doors, and
kick around some ideas.

Well, don't you think we
should give the staff

a little more time to prepare
for something like that?

Well, I thought
everyone knew about it.

Lisa, when's
the annual retreat?

Tonight. Right?

Right on, right on.

Oh, hey. Remember
last year when we went

till, like, oh,
5:00 in the morning?

Wasn't that a hoot?

I wasn't there
last year, sir.

Oh, right. Lisa,
wasn't that a hoot?

It was a hoot
and a half, sir.

A hoot and a half.
I'll tell you.

Talk about a hoot.

That was--
that was a hoot.

Why...

why didn't you tell me
about this retreat?

I did tell you.

No, you didn't.

Well, I'm sorry.
I thought I did.

You didn't.
You never told me.

I've got, like, a few hours
to prepare.

It's no big deal.

You don't have
to prepare.

We just go up there
and sit around.

Why don't you just come up
with some stuff on the fly?

I'm just not very comfortable
doing stuff on the fly.

Look, do you have ideas
from last year

you can show me?

No.

Well, last year,
I just went up there

and came up with
some stuff on the fly.

Uh-huh. Great.

Dave, what did you do
in high school

when you had
a pop quiz?

Hyperventilated.
Got a note from the nurse.

Okay, team,
let's get going.

Let's get
this jamboree rolling.

Uh, Jimmy?

Yeah.

Where are we
supposed to sit?

Huh? Oh. Well, I had
all the furniture removed

so we could hunker down,
you know, rub some elbows.

Come on, everybody.
Grab some carpet. Let's go.

Mr. James, aren't you going

to sit down on the floor
with us?

No, thanks.

Carol, yeah. Yeah.

Go ahead and bring in

some pencils,
pads for the guys, please?

Jimmy.

Recognized.

My ass hurts.

Okay, Carol, bring in
some cushions too.

Bill's ass hurts.

Hey, what's up?
Sorry I'm late.

Oh, Joe, here.

I saved you a seat
right here.

Okey-doke, is everybody
ready to, uh, do it to it?

Just one...

second.

Okay, I'm ready.

You just whipped those up
on the fly, did you?

Dave and I are going
to need a few seconds

to set our stuff up
as well. Thank you.

One, two, three cards.

Okay, Dave, you're the leader
of this ragtag bunch,

so go ahead
and stroke me, Stokely.

All right, sir.

Thank you, Beth. Thank you.

Uh, I was thinking

we could devote half an hour
every afternoon

to a live call-in show,
in which--

Oh. Oh.

In which the listeners
of our station

could air their complaints
about living in the city.

We could call it
"Sound off, New York."

Uh-huh. Hmm...

Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

I like it.

I think
it's a winner. Lisa?

I'm not sure.

Hmm? What aren't
you sure about?

Well, we are
a news station,

and, I mean, as interesting
as a call-in show is,

it's...it's not news.

Dave?

Well, maybe,

but perhaps it will give
our listeners a chance

to feel more involved
with the station.

Lisa?

People listen to us so
that they can be updated

on news, traffic,
and weather,

and if we start changing
that programming,

they might just turn the dial
to another station

and quite possibly
never turn it back.

At least,
that's my opinion.

Sir, this just came in for you.

Excuse me, Carol, didn't I say
no interruptions?

Lisa was just about
to drop some science on us.

I'm sorry, sir.

All right.

On your way out,

just lock the door,
turn off the phones.

No one comes, no one goes.
You hear me?

Yes, sir.

Okay, retreat's over.

I thought this was supposed
to be an all-nighter.

Well, it was,

but Paul Simon's
doing a surprise gig

down at the Bottom Line, so...

Oh, I love his music.

Yeah, I don't,

but I do have
a line of snow tires

I want him to endorse.

That's it for today, people.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Class is dismissed.

Um...are you hungry?

No, no, I'm feeling
pretty tired.

I'll probably just,
you know,

head straight home,

pick something up
on the fly.

Where's my cane?
It was hanging right here.

Has anyone seen my cane?

I'm talking
to you people!

I walked in, tap, tap, tap,

took off my coat, tap, tap, tap,

then hung my--

I didn't
take it, Bill.

Then where is it?

I don't know.

Maybe it took itself
out for a stroll.

We both know
you took my cane.

When you deny it,

you insult not only me
but yourself as well,

and, of course, my cane.

Trust me, my friend.

Me and my cane,
when I find it,

will find you, and...
you get the idea.

What?

Hello, people. Sorry.

Sorry I had to cut things short
last night.

So how did your talk
with Paul Simon go?

Oh, not so good.

I think the world's
going to have to wait

for...a hazy shade
of whitewalls.

Anyway, who's got something?

Joe.

We could set up

a fully interactive
on-line web site

for our listeners.

Good. Anyone else? Bill.

An immediate
and comprehensive probe

into the disappearance
of office canes.

Okay. Matthew?

My idea is that I think

a fully interactive
on-line web site

is stupid.

Zap.

All right. Lisa.

Um, okay, well, this one
is just a quickie,

but I think we should start

doing morning
subway updates

on the quarter hour

so people
can listen to us

before they catch
their trains.

A quickie, but I likey.

Dave?

Uh, yeah, well...

to be honest,
I can't say I love it.

Really?

Mm-mmm. Yeah.
I'm sorry. Yeah.

Um, and why is that?

Well, uh, I...

it just doesn't feel
like our station,

you know?

And what exactly does
our station feel like?

Well, I just think
that subway updates

are really going
to interfere

with the hard news.

Well, sometimes
I take the subway,

and I always thought--

Thank you, Matthew.

Bill, do you have anything
to add?

Yes.

Dave stole my cane,
and my ass still hurts.

Okay.

does anyone, anyone,
have anything positive

to contribute?

Yes. I do.

Of course, I'm not sure

if it feels like
our station,

but, you know,

whatever the hell
that's supposed to mean.

Okay. That's it. That's it.
That's enough, folks.

I think we'll call it a night.

There's enough bad vibes
in this room

to run a hoodoo factory.

Come on, let's go.

You're being kind of
a jerk about this.

I'm sorry. What?
Could you speak up?

I didn't hear that.

[MUMBLING]

Sorry, what, sir?

What?

Oh, nothing.

I was just getting
in on the fun.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Catherine,
just give me the jar.

Let me see it.

Give me the jar.
I can take it.

Catherine...
Catherine...

Let me see it.

Catherine,
just give me the jar.

It's stuck.

Hi, kids.

Ha. The bottle opener
has disappeared.

How are you going
to open a bottle

without a bottle opener?

Come here.

Do you have
some keys?

Yeah.

House key
or car key, anything.

Impressive.

I'm assuming you dated
a lot of frat guys.

♪ Da, da, da, da
Dum, dum, dum ♪

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot.
I can't find the can opener.

How am I going to open up
these two cans of beans

if I can't find
the can opener?

Well, I'm just going
to put these right there.

I'm going to look
for the can opener

out by the coffee.

What the hell
does Matthew need

with two tins
of beans anyway?

What are they doing?

Laughing at us.

I didn't know
we were so obvious.

Oh, no. Us? No, no,
we're smooth as silk.

Oh, guess what?
My phone broke.

I can see that.

Well, Joseph,

your job is to fix things
when they break, right?

Or am I just...

That's right.

Good,

because I'd like you
to fix my phone now, please.

What's your problem, huh?

How far do you think
you can push me

before I push you back?

Okay. You know what?

I just need to know
why you don't like me.

It's not that
I don't like you.

I'd just like you
a lot more

if you weren't bugging
me all the time.

Bugging? You know, what
you call "bugging,"

other people
call "communicating."

Well, I don't want
to communicate with you.

Look, I'm the kind of person

that needs
to share my feelings.

Well, I'm the kind
of person

who doesn't like
to be bugged.

And I'm a little
bit country.

Ha ha. Come on.

Dude, you're a freak.

And you're a little
bit rock 'n' roll.

Leave me alone, man.

I don't want
to talk to you.

Hey, kids, come on in.

Hey.

Hey, Mr.--

Mr. James?

Yep.

Where's
everybody else?

They are no longer
relevant to the process.

Carol? Yeah, go ahead
and lock the doors,

and if you hear
any yelling and screaming,

just leave us alone.

Yeah. All right.

Go ahead. Come on.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.
Let's go.

Lisa, fire away.

Okay, well, I guess
first,

I had a thought that

if we switched
from pre-taped station IDs,

to live ones,
we could save enough time

to have a new two-minute
feature every hour.

Dave? Dig in.

I think it's
a terrific idea.

And he comes out swinging.

Look out, Lisa--
wait a minute.

What did you say?

I think it's
a terrific idea.

Oh, you do, do you?

I think we should
implement it immediately.

Oh, well, okay.

You got any ideas
of your own?

Uh, yes, I do.

I thought we could
teach Matthew

how to produce
his own segments.

This was my idea,

but Lisa really helped me
to really flush it out.

No, I made one
or two very minor--

No, they were
key points.

Aww, gee. What the hell
kind of fun is this?

I'm all geared up
for kick boxing,

and you give me
synchronized swimming.

Well, Dave and I
decided

that we could get
a lot more accomplished

if we worked
with each other

instead of against
each other.

So what you're
saying to me

is that because of your
personal relationship,

You see the value in
non-competitive cooperation.

Yes.
Yes.

Well, that may work
wonders in the bedroom,

but I tell you what.
Do me a favor.

Keep that kind of crap
out of my office.

Uh, well, for the record, sir,
we really do try

to keep our personal
and professional lives

completely separate.

Yeah, and I try to keep my dogs
off the sofa,

but do you know what
makes this country great?

What?
What?

I don't know,
but I do know this.

If Henry Ford and John Chrysler
had been sleeping together,

hell, we'd be all
traveling around

in horse buggies.

I hired you two guys
because you are fighters,

not lovers.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, I'm sure

that I could come up
with one or two ideas

that Dave
is not crazy about.

All right.
I'll tell you what, kids.

I got to get out
of here.

Where are you
going, sir?

I don't know.

I guess I'll go downstairs,
see if I can find a bar fight.

All right.

How angry are those
ideas going to make me?

I don't know.

Maybe we should go
back to your place

and talk about it.

Mm-hmm. Are we going
to fight?

Something like that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

No hanky-panky on the desk.
I got cameras.

I don't know.
I don't know.

I don't know either,

but I do know

if Henry Ford
and John Chrysler

had spent all their time
bickering,

we'd still be driving around
in a horse and buggy.

Um, who--who's
John Chrysler?

The...guy that invented
the Chrysler?

There's no such person
as John Chrysler.

Oh, no, no.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Is he, by any chance,
related to Jack Chevrolet?

Look, look, you guys
get the point

I'm trying to make, right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Okay, great. Thanks.

John Chrysler.

Matthew...

We're not laughing
at you, boss.

Come on, we'd better
get out of here, dude.

hey, give my regards
to Bill Pontiac.

Dave.

Oh, Bill. Great.

I wanted to apologize

for accusing you
of stealing my cane.

Uh-huh.

Although we've only

worked together

a short amount of time,

I've always known you
to be fair and honest.

Now, those are
good qualities, Dave,

and I hope you
never lose them.

Bill, it's not
under my couch.

Maybe not under
the edge of the couch.

Where is it?
Where's my cane?

Okay, Bill.
For the last time,

I did not take your cane.

What's under here?
It feels hollow.

Bill, you're aware

that you're making
an ass of yourself.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I guess my cane is lost,

and I'll just have
to accept that

and get on with my life.

You stepped
in front of the window.

I did what?

When I moved
to the door,

you moved in front
of the window

as if you were
protecting something.

Okay, Bill,
I'm asking you to leave.

You taped it
to the side of the building

or under the windowsill.

I read your book,
you magnificent bastard.

Okay, Bill,

I am now ordering you
to leave.

I'll leave,

but first, I'm looking
out that window.

Bill, you're going
to feel pretty stupid

when it's not
out there.

It's out there.
I know it's out there.

Bill...

Yes, Dave?

I stole your cane.

Bill, I, I...

[RIP]

I'm sorry, Bill.

I don't know
why I did it,

and again,
I'm sorry, Bill.

That is the most
childish, immature thing

I've ever seen you do.

No, this is.

Ah, but you knew I was
going to do that.

No, that one
caught me by surprise.

Oh. Oh, well,
uh...

what do we do now?

Start behaving like adults.

An excellent suggestion.

Then we're of one mind.

Mm-hmm.

You do realize
I'm just going to go

and buy another cane,
don't you?

Yeah, and I'm just going
to steal it again.

Touché.

Beth?

Here's one you
can take right now.

This one you can
break later.

Here's one
for the Hamptons.

This one I like.
I keep.

This one
displeases me.

[♪]