NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 8 - Negotiation - full transcript

That's everything, people.
Thanks very much.

Ahem.

What?

[COUGH] Promotion.

Oh, right.
I'm sorry.

Matthew has been promoted

to the position
of coordinating producer.

Congratulations,
Matthew.

That's great.

Thank you, David,
and thank you, guys so much.

I just want to real quick
say that...



even though I now have
more responsibility

and more power,

I'm still, uh,
I'm still me...Matthew,

and no fancy title like
"coordinating producer"

is ever going
to change that.

Well, congratulations,
Matthew.

On behalf of everyone
in the office,

I'd just like to say
nobody gives a damn.

Whup, bup, bup, bup,
have a seat, Matthew.

All right.

Now, I have a little
announcement of my own.

It's not really
connected with business,

but I wanted you people
to be the first to know...

I am getting married.



You're kidding!

Mr. James,
I had no idea.

I'm trying to get used
to the idea myself.

These things happen
so fast.

Who's the lucky lady?

I--I haven't figured
that out yet.

Anyone know...
anyone know anyone good?

Now, don't you have

a particular woman
in mind?

Oh, sure.
Quite a few.

In fact, I've compiled
a list of wife candidates

based on intelligence,
looks, social graces...

all that good crap.

You made a list
of women to pursue?

Oh yeah,
check it out.

36 of the hottest
prospects in the world,

all tabulated
and ranked accordingly.

Jimmy, that is the most
disgusting thing

I have ever heard.

You can't just pick a woman
as if you're buying cattle.

It's humiliating
and degrading.

Okay, check it out.
35 of the hottest prospects...

[♪]

Coordinating producer?

You promoted Matthew
to coordinating producer.

Why?

He's been working here
for four years.

It was either give him
a gold watch

or a meaningless title, so...

Who cares, anyway?

I just want to crawl
under a porch

and die or something.

What is with you lately?

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

It's just that this time of year
is very rough on me, that's all.

I know.
It's hard on me too.

I mean, if I hear "Little
Drummer Boy" one more time,

I swear to God...

Every Christmas,

my family sends out
this newsletter, you know,

all about what my brothers
and I have been doing,

blah-ty, blah, blah, blah.

You know, my mom
does that too.

Really?
Yeah.

Really?

Does your mom
have her newsletter

professionally typeset

with full-color photographs

by a former art director
of Vanity Fair?

No, my mom cuts out
pictures of all the kids' faces

and pastes them
on reindeer bodies...

But we like it.

Okay, tell me,

what do your brothers
usually send in to this thing?

My brothers usually send in,

I don't know,
a newspaper article or two

or maybe a magazine profile,
you know,

and what have I done
this year?

Oh, come on.

Look, you're the
supervising producer

of the number-two
news radio station

in New York city.
Now, that is something.

My brother, Greg...

27 years old...

just made chief press liaison

for the Governor
of Pennsylvania.

A glorified publicist.

My brother Nick

is chief resident
at Mass General.

A glorified...
really good doctor.

My brother Greg, 23 years old,

just invented
some stupid computer game

and sold it to Microsoft.

Wow, that's cool. Which one?

I don't know.

Super-karate-monkey-death-car
or something.

Uh-huh.

Oh, Lisa, good, good, good.

Um, listen, ahem...

I've decided to recoordinate
your duties for the day.

Have you, Matthew?

Oh, come on. Don't get me wrong.

I'm very pleased
with your work.

You do good work.
It's just that...

well, David and I

would like to see it
coordinated a little bit better.

It's all right here.

Matthew, your promotion,

it doesn't really put
you in charge of Lisa.

Oh.

Ha, that's embarrassing.

I see. We're more like
equals, then?

No, it's more like
she's still your superior.

So the title's more like
a figurehead-thing then?

What are you going to do next,
make me Queen of England?

I was thinking
Marquis de la Supply Closet.

Oh, I see.

Power is not given.
It is taken, huh?

Taken.

Okay, people, memo time.

Get your red-hot memos.

Right here, Lisa.

Thank you.

Memo, my good dear sir?

Seriously, though,
it's a memo.

I typed it up.

Sounds like a winner,
Mr. Coordinating Producer.

Think so?

Are you wearing
high heels?

No. Why?

You seem taller,
more impressive.

More substantial.

I don't know, maybe it's
just the new position.

Between me and you,
I feel taller, you know?

But there's a lot
of stress

that comes with this job.

Oh, I know.

But I'm hanging
in there.

Well, I'm here for you.

Thanks.

Could I have
a little time

to familiarize myself

with this exciting
new procedure?

Take all the time
in the world.

Good. Yeah. Thanks.

Thanks a lot.
You got it.

Dave...someone here
I want you to meet.

This is Melanie Sanders.

She's a financial analyst

here to do the annual
ad revenue review.

How do you do?

Is there anything
I can get for you?

I just need the spreadsheets,
revenue breakdowns,

and a place to work.

Uh, Beth?

Oh, yeah, right this
way, Ms. Sanders.

Um, I wanted to ask you,

a single woman
looking to invest,

you know, like myself,
limited budget,

lottery tickets?
Yes? No?

I'll be, uh, right
over here, Melanie.

I will be right here.

Huh?

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Uh-huh.

Ho ho ho.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What are they doing?

I think Jimmy's
trying to tell us

Melanie's
his special lady.

Whoop, there it is.

Oh yeah?

Yeah, yeah,
yeah.

Ohhhh yeeahhh.

Hey...

Let's not get
dirty, okay, Joe?

Sorry.

All right.

So the search for Mrs. James
ends here, huh?

Yeah, well, let's keep
our fingers crossed.

She's leaving New York tomorrow,

so I got to get this thing
closed by 5:00.

It's now or never.
My love won't wait.

Sounds like the
Jimmy James Love Train

is gathering steam.

Woo woo.

Chugga chugga
chugga chugga...

What'd I tell you about
that dirty stuff, Joe?

Sorry.

All right.

You are aware that
with a lottery ticket,

you can win
a million dollars?

Beth, could we have
a moment there?

Ahem.

Melanie, uh...

I just wanted to thank you
for, uh, coming by today.

You really...
brighten up the place.

Well, thank you, Jimmy,
you're very kind.

No, thank you...
Melanie.

Yes?

Huh? No, no.
What I'm saying

is "Thank you, Melanie."

I said the "thank you"
first,

and then I remembered,

you see, and I said
the "Melanie" part later.

Man, he's really
eating it over there.

The man has
a lot to learn.

He's got to woo her.

It never works.

Of course it does.

Believe me,
I've tried wooing women.

Well, maybe you're
not doing it right.

I do it the same
way everybody does it.

You go, "Woo! Woo!"

Follow them for
five or six blocks,

and they pretend
to ignore you.

It's stupid.

Hello, Dave.

Wow.

What's up?

Well, well, well,
look who's all...

Drunk?

No, I've just made
a decision,

and I am
very happy about it.

Well, if you're happy,
I'm happy.

I'm very happy.

That makes two of us
that's happy.

I'm looking for a new job.

Suddenly I'm not so happy.

You're going
to leave the station?

No, no, I'm not leaving
leaving.

I just think that if I explore
some of my options,

I'll feel like I'm doing
something with my life.

Yeah, but what if you
actually find a job?

I'm not going to.

I just want to feel like I'm
making some kind of progress,

that's all.

Progress isn't always
a good thing.

Says who?

The Unabomber.

Query?

Recognized.

Is Matthew superior to me?

Do you mean genetically?

No, I mean in this office.

No.

Good.

How about genetically?

Well, he is ambidextrous.

Freak.

Anyway, my agent thinks

it's time for me to make
the jump to TV news.

TV news? Is that really
what you want to do?

My agent says
it's the next logical step.

Yeah, but is that
what you want to do?

Yes, my agent says
that's what I want to do.

How long have you
been represented

By the Reverend
Sun Yung Moon?

Whoo-wee.

Sure is all brighted
up around here.

Okay, Jimmy, why don't we
take a little walk, huh?

Come on. That's it.

Am I missing something?
Are you quitting?

No, no, no, no.

I'd never make a decision like
that without consulting you.

Don? Lisa.

What have you got for me?

Dave, will you take a look
at something real quick?

What is it?

I want you to look
at the big board.

That's very
impressive, Matthew.

Well, thank you.
This should do wonders

for how we coordinate

the flow of information
through the office here,

and then right over here,
we'll keep the master list.

Master list of what?

The master list of
coordinating procedures.

For instance, uh,

traffic updates
are going to be coded blue.

Mm-hmm.

See? Coded blue.

Great, great.

Then if we consult
the big board...

What?

I screwed this up.
Hang on a second.

Actually, can you give me
a couple minutes?

Yeah, sure.
Fine.

This is definitely...

Big board looks
great, colonel.

Thanks, Bill.

It's just that the blue one
goes there...

Red one's...
but the red one's actually...

[GROANS]

What's the problem?

Somebody's tampering
with the big board.

Well, I know Lisa
wasn't very excited

about your new promotion.

Oh, ho.

Thanks for the tip.

Why don't you
ask her out to lunch?

Lunch? No, that would take
a couple of hours.

I think I just ought to
go over there

and ask her to marry me.

Jimmy, I really think

you should take this
a step at a time.

Yeah?
Yeah.

You've got to do
the legwork.

Would you buy a house
you hadn't been in?

Yes.

What if you
weren't rich?

Then no.
Exactly.

Okay, hold up,
I've got an idea.

Hey, Melanie?

Hey.

Would you like
to go to lunch

with Mr. James and me?

That would be nice.

Oh, good. Yay.

Oh, God,
I just remembered

I got stuff to do.
Stupid me.

You know what?

Why don't you guys
just go together?

Just give me a minute
to clear up my stuff.

Okay.

How much do I pay you?

Not enough.

It will be corrected.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Dave, just
relax, all right?

It's not a big deal.

Okay, uh, what's not
a big deal?

My job interview.

What do you mean
a job interview?

You know, a job interview,

like where you go someplace

and they interview you
for a job.

Yeah, I know what a job
interview is. Just--

You know what? I'm just
going to take the stairs.

Yeah, b-but...

Dave, want to see
a trick?

Pick a card.

Now put it back
in the deck.

Hold the deck.

Mm-hmm.

Stand right there.

Look, if you're
feeling threatened

by my new position,
just say so, okay,

because I'm under enough
pressure as it is.

Matthew, you ever play
52 pick-up?

No, that sounds
like fun.

Sometimes
you make me sad.

What's going on?

Looks like Lisa has
friends in high places.

Trust no one.

Okay, Beth is covering
all my calls,

and all my work for the day
is done.

Great, great.

How do I look?

Uh, you look
terrific.

You look really
terrific.

I can't believe
I'm supporting you

in your search
for a new job.

I mean, what is it,
anyway?

What is this job?

It's not a new job.

I'm just filling in
for one night.

That's all.

Yeah, but it could
turn into a new job,

whatever it is.

Look, I'm just exploring
my options.

Why can't you tell me
what it is?

I just don't want to jinx it.

It's not a big deal.

Okay, all right,
Whatever...

Now, it's 2:30, okay?
So you got to get going.

Remember, if you meet
any of the other VJs,

do not forget
to ask them

if Kennedy's glasses
are real

or if they're just
fake ones like Lisa Loeb.

I'll do my best, thank you.

Okay.

[DOOR CLOSES]

So, MTV News, huh?

Yes. Yes.

That's great.

That regular person
that does it is on vacation.

Kurt Loder?

No, the woman.

Oh, Tabitha Soren.

Aw, this is great.

I'm so happy for you.

Congratulations.
Really.

You're going to do
great. I know it.

Really?

Really.

Really?

Yeah.

You don't seem
upset about this.

No, I'm not.

What? You think I can't
get the job, right?

That's not it.
Of course not it at all. No.

Of course not. No.

Well, if it goes well, you know,
I could leave the station.

Uh-huh.

Can I ask you something?

What?

Do you ever watch MTV?

No. Why?

This is MTV news.

I'm Lisa Miller filling in
for Tabitha Soren.

We're here with Anthrax,

whose latest album
is in stores now.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Now, John,

is there any guitar work

that you're particularly
proud of

on this latest album?

You're going to have
to ask Scott about that,

since he's
the guitar player.

Oh.

Hi. I'm Scott.

Hi, Scott.

Actually, some of the best
guitar work on the album

was done by our friend,
Dimebag Darrell.

Right. From Pann-era.

It's "Pantera."

Oh, right.

Well, you know, I have heard
some critics saying

that grunge music
has seen its day in the sun.

What do you guys think
about that?

We're not
a grunge band.

Oh, well...

I was listening to the album,
and it's--it's pretty heavy.

Ha ha.

Just because something's heavy
doesn't mean it's grunge.

Okay, punk, then. I don't know.
You know what I mean.

Like, that sort of hard,
aggressive...you know.

Industrial.

Right, industrial.

We're not
industrial.

Psst.

What is it, Matthew?

[SIGHS]
I feel bad.

Why?

When I made my little
office power play,

I didn't mean
to force Lisa out.

Don't worry about it,
Matthew.

I'm pretty sure
Lisa will be back.

Yeah. You know, I'd be happy
to share my title with her.

You know, I thought of
a new title for Matthew.

Let's get back
to work, okay?

Where's my masking tape?
I had it right here.

Dave should really give you
a private office of your own

so this stuff
doesn't keep disappearing.

You're right.

Hey, what was that new title
you came up with for me?

Uh...

I can't remember.

I'll get back to you.

Hey, Mr. James.

Hey, Spaz.

So? How'd it go?

I don't know.

We made so much
small talk,

I didn't get a chance
to propose to her yet.

Small talk? That's good.
One step at a time.

No, no, no, screw that.

I got 45 minutes
to close this deal.

If not, it ain't
gonna happen, baby.

Tell you what,
get out of my way.

I'm going over there
to ask her to marry me.

No, no, Mr. James.
Trust me.

You don't want to be
that direct with a woman.

You got to be kind of
sneaky

and trick her into doing
what you want.

You want to know how
to get a woman?

Please.

Here's what you do.

Walk up to her

and whisper
the dirtiest thing

you can think of
in her ear.

If she doesn't
slap your face

and walk away,

she's interested.

Jimmy, honey,

flowers send
a very clear message.

Flowers.

The only thing flowers say is,
"I like you,

but I'm
a tongue-tied freak."

Right. Or "I'm sorry

I made a pass
at your sister."

Whoa, hold up.
It's too late.

He's flying solo.

Melanie...

I'm single.
You're single.

What do you say
we get married?

Well, I'm glad you
finally decided

on the direct approach.

Yeah, well...

I'm a businessman
at heart.

As am I.
What's your offer?

Single rich male
seeks matrimony.

Primary residence?

Westchester county.

Would you be open to considering

a secondary residence
in Manhattan?

Central Park West?

South.

Done.

Time spent together?

Eight hours
five days a week.

Seven hours.
12 hours weekends.

55 hours aggregate. Specifics
to be determined later.

I'm amenable to that.
Children?

One.

Three.

Two.
Done.

But one of them has
to be a male.

I'll see what I can do.
Vacations?

December, Hawaii.

June, the Vineyard.

June, fine, but Hawaii.

No, the Vineyard.

Is that a deal
breaker for you?

I'm afraid so.

Me too.

Well, we gave it
a shot.

I'm sure you'll find
a better match.

Thanks for the time.

Hey, Dave?

Uh, yes, sir?

You know that
Mrs. Fields cookie lady?

I believe she's married.

Oh.

Well, that would explain
the "Mrs."

I'd better cross off Mrs. Paul,
the fish stick lady,

while I'm at it.

Oh, well, four down, 32 to go.

Hey, Lisa.

Hey, Mr. James.

So, how did it go?

It went great.

They loved me.

apparently...I rocked.

Okay, well...

When are you going
to be leaving?

I'm not. I hated it.
I'm back.

Why?

Why?
Why?

Why? Oh, come on.
You knew I'd hate it.

You just had to go
and be supportive.

I know. I-I'm sorry. I don't
know what I was thinking.

Sometimes I can be
such a bastard.

Lisa...enough.

This is
tearing us apart.

I didn't realize
my promotion

was going to throw
the whole power structure

out of whack.

Listen, I'm
stepping down,

but only if you
come back.

Matthew, you got it.

Thank God.

This whole experience

was starting to
turn me into...

into someone
I didn't like very much.

Lisa, did you ever figure out

what to put in that Christmas
newsletter of yours?

Nope.

Well, would your family
be impressed

if you were profiled
in the Washington Post?

Yes. Do you know somebody there?

Well, Bobby Woodward
owes me a favor from way back.

What, were you, like,

Deep Throat
or something?

I'll give Bobby
a call tomorrow.

Thank you.

By the way, does anybody know
Faye Dunaway?

Is she as sharp as she was
in that Network movie,

or was that just an act?

I don't know.

You think you want
to marry an actress?

That's what I asked
Ted Turner

when I saw who was number 14
on his list,

be he seems pretty happy now.

Well? My surprise,
my surprise.

Didn't they have any
with just Beavis on it?

I keep hoping

they're going to break up
or something.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, does anybody else
have work to do?

Hey, anybody want
to go get loaded?

Hey...

there's an idea.

Why doesn't everyone
go get loaded?

I'll meet you all later.

Well, I'm off.

The final revenue reports
are on the conference table.

Well...

So...

It was nice almost
getting married to you.

Same here.

Jimmy, you didn't even
try my approach.

What?

You know,
the whispering.

Oh yeah.

Melanie, could I see you
for one second, please?

Well, I've got a plane
to catch in two hours,

but if there's
a hotel nearby,

I'd love to
give it a shot.

We're out of here.

[♪]