NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 7 - Bill's Autobiography - full transcript
Bill is offered a book deal to write his autobiography.
Knock, knock.
What do
you want, Bill?
No, Dave.
Knock, knock.
Oh, okay. Who's there?
Bill McNeal.
Bill McNeal who?
That's really
all I have so far.
Dynamite there, Bill.
Actually, that was just
a cheap trick to get into your office.
I need to talk
to you about something.
Okay, shoot.
My agent's been talking
with some publishers,
and apparently, there's
more than a little interest
in me writing an autobiography.
Oh, well, that's
great, Bill.
Thank you.
Anyway, I need you
to sign this release.
Uh, sure.
What is this?
It's just a legal form
granting me permission
to work on an outside project,
blah, blah, blah.
Okay, I'll
look it over, all right?
Take your time.
All right, thanks.
Can you sign off
on my editorial?
Uh, oh, sure, yeah.
What's this?
Bill has a deal to write a book.
What kind of book?
An autobiography,
sort of like the
Howard Stern thing, I guess.
You mean about
the ins and outs
of lesbianism
and sport-spanking?
I certainly hope so.
Yeah,
I'm sure you do.
Just hungry for knowledge.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry, Bill,
I haven't had a chance
to sign it yet.
That's all right, chief.
You know, I was just thinking,
could you kind of keep
this book thing under your hat?
Sure, why?
I would just rather
not have it be public
until we finalize
negotiations.
You haven't
told anyone, have you?
I mentioned it to Lisa.
I asked you
not to tell anyone.
I'm sorry, Bill.
I didn't realize this was
like the Pentagon Papers.
What?
I'll talk to Lisa.
Um, Lisa, can I talk
to you for just a second?
Yeah.
Thanks.
But first, I believe
congratulations are in order.
No, they're not.
What's going on?
Bill just signed
a deal to write his autobiography.
Congratulations, Bill.
Thank you, Lisa,
for that wonderful reception,
and, more importantly,
thank you, Dave, buddy.
Well, you didn't tell me
it was supposed to be some big secret.
I didn't know myself
at the time.
Hey, Bill, look,
I'm really sorry,
but, you know, Lisa had
no idea you wanted to keep this thing a--
It's okay. I'm glad
you told them.
The excitement and enthusiasm
I felt out there just now,
well, it was the shot
in the arm I needed.
Really?
No, I'm being
incredibly sarcastic.
What is this,
the Pentagon Papers?
What?
Look, I don't know
if you've tried to write a book,
but it's not easy.
Look, Bill,
if you're asking one of us to ghostwrite the book,
then ask us.
How much have
you written, Bill?
Just the outline.
Okay, well,
how long is it?
Two words-- "the outline."
There's a big, blank sheet
of paper underneath it.
Well, how long have you
been working on it?
Three months.
Oh.
Okay.
You know what.
You're probably
just overwhelmed
by all the stuff that
you want to get in there.
Yeah.
You should just pick
one point and take off.
Yes, start with radio.
What's interesting about radio?
Well, I think it's
a fascinating medium.
You're from Wisconsin.
Artificial light
is fascinating to you.
Did you know that
when Dan Rather was 19,
he was the youngest photographer
for the Associated Press?
Okay, what were you doing at 19?
Drinking.
How about talking
about how hard it was
to break into
the industry, you know?
All the struggles.
My aunt owned
a radio station.
She hired me to try to
get me to stop drinking.
Staff meeting.
Lisa, would you
care to go out there
and warm them up
for me again?
Okay, let's get to it.
Matthew, Matthew, Matthew--
do you have the New Hampshire
piece ready for me?
Yeah, yeah. I finished
that yesterday.
Do you have
a title yet?
I'm awfully good
with titles.
It's not really
at the title stage yet, Matthew.
Matthew, Matthew--
do you have the tape ready
or just the hard copy?
I got the tape.
Hey, how about
The Camera Never Blinks?
Uh, that's the title
of Dan Rather's book, honey.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I read it.
How about
"The Microphone Never Blinks"?
That makes
no sense at all.
Yes, but it is catchy.
People? People, please,
can we just focus on the work at hand?
Now, Matthew, do you have
that tape for me or--
"Radio Bill."
CATHERINE:
That's not bad.
I appreciate
everyone's enthusiasm,
but it's important that
we not let personal endeavors
interrupt our daily routine.
Dave?
Thank you, Bill.
Now, for the local update--
Radio Days.
Woody Allen movie.
But if you spelled it
D-A-Z-E,
it would have, like,
a Spike Lee feel.
Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
"Give me 12 minutes,
I'll give you my life."
DAVE:
People, please.
Hang on, Dave.
That one's
actually intriguing me.
Wh--what was it again, Matthew?
"Give me my life--"
What was it again?
"And I'll give you
15 minutes."
No, no.
Yeah, yeah.
"Give me 12 minutes
of my life--"
BETH:
"Time of my life."
Meeting's over.
Why doesn't everyone just--
just go back to work.
Hey, that includes you, Matthew.
So, how's the book
going so far?
Fantastic!
Yeah?
I never knew
the writing process could be so invigorating.
I can't believe
someone's letting you write a book.
You mean,
you can't believe
someone's paying me
to write a book.
Bill, guess what.
I keep a diary.
Do you you now?
Yeah, so I guess
in a way,
me and you are doing
something similar.
Sort of, except
my book will be sold
in bookstores
and airports nationwide,
while your diary
will be tucked alone
under its mattress
with other baubles and trinkets.
Exactly.
Sometimes, I write, like,
20-25 pages a night.
Yeah. I have
my slow days too.
He's strutting around out there
like he's Norman Mailer.
Hasn't punched anyone out,
has he?
No, not yet, but he's
totally out of control.
All right. Beth!
Boss.
Tell Mr. Hemingway
I'd like to see him.
No problem.
Hey, Ernie,
F. Scott and Zelda
would like to speak with you.
You know,
he just overcompensates
because he feels insecure.
So does Norman Mailer.
But at least he manages
to get a few words on the page.
No, I really prefer
writing in longhand.
I find it to be more intimate.
Computers can be so...
un-intimate.
Hey, really, I just want
to thank you both once again
for getting everyone
really excited
about my impending failure.
Settle down, Bill.
You know, I think I have
a solution to the problem.
Here, take this tape recorder.
Just carry it with you
through the day,
and just talk into it
whenever anything
pops into your head.
It can't hurt, I guess.
How's this thing work, anyway.
DAVE: ♪ I've been through
The desert ♪
♪ On a horse with no name ♪
♪ It felt good
To be out of the rain-- ♪
Let me get you
a fresh tape.
What is your obsession
with that song?
It wasn't me.
It's just the tape
that this thing came with.
I'll give it a try.
I just wish...
I just wish you hadn't
told all of them about the book.
Oh, look, come on, Bill,
lighten up.
I know you may find this
hard to believe,
but not everybody
spends their whole day
thinking about Bill McNeal.
You're a true source
of comfort, Lisa.
Bill!
Get over here,
you old son of a biscuit eater!
Hi, Jimmy.
Hey, I heard
about your book.
Let me tell you,
I am pleased.
I am pleased
as Christmas punch.
This is going to be
great for the station.
You really think so?
Oh, I got my own publicist
working on it.
Yeah. We're going to spread
your kisser all over this city.
You are going to be big,
my friend. Bigger...
Than, uh...
Dave, who's
that really big guy?
Andre the Giant?
The one
that's not dead yet.
Oh, Hulk Hogan.
Bingo!
So, when can I see
some pages, big guy?
Well, I'm still at
the outline stage, Jimmy.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I understand. I understand.
No pressure. No pressure.
But, as a little surprise,
I had something
made up for you.
You ready?
Ta-dah!
I said, "Ta-dah!"
Yeah, sir, that
really is something.
Ain't that a pisser?
Indeed.
Bill, I thought of
a great story for your book.
Yeah, yeah.
Remember when we were
sitting at Tavern on the Green--
this was
a few years ago--
and Ross Perot
comes in?
And Ross Perot...
Ross Perot comes in,
and he says he wants
to re-enter the presidential race.
See, Bill,
that's a great story.
Yeah,
it's perfect.
When was this exactly?
Oh, what the hell
am I thinking about?
That wasn't you.
That was Dan Rather.
Yeah, that was me
and Dan Rather.
That's a great story, though.
Yeah, the best.
Yeah, that Rather--
"Courage."
Had a million of them.
Of course, you got
a million and one, huh? Attaboy.
Chicago, 1968.
Democratic convention.
Hippies and yippies alike
fill the streets,
waging a war of peace
against Mayor Daley's thugs.
There I was...
watching it on TV
in my dorm and drinking.
Hey...looks like
somebody's been burning the candle at both ends.
Well, you know,
they say a lot of writers
do their best work at night.
Me, I'm
a morning person,
but whatever works
best for you, Bill.
I think
I've got a title.
What is it?
"I suck--
the Bill McNeal story."
Hey, hey, Dave,
look, look.
That's very good.
Thank you.
Hey, Bill,
how's the book going?
Oh.
I guess the tape recorder
didn't help, huh?
See for yourself.
Right.
DAVE: ♪ You can't
Remember your name ♪
♪ 'Cause there
Ain't no one for-- ♪
That helped me
get to bed last night.
My stuff's on the other side.
[TRAFFIC]
I recorded my thoughts
while I drove home
from work yesterday.
Bill--
Shh. I'm almost to the part
where I get so depressed,
I swerve into oncoming traffic.
[SWERVING, HONKING]
Listen, Bill...
this book
is obviously causing you a great deal of pain,
and I think
I have a solution.
Does it involve a gun
with a built-in mouthpiece?
Don't write it.
Hey...
Hey, Bill,
that is an excellent suggestion, huh?
Yeah.
Just give up.
Who cares?
Just give up.
I'll tell you who cares--
those people out there.
Sure, they'll be
disappointed for a little while--
Disappointed?
They'll be overjoyed.
This is just what
they've been waiting to see.
Bill McNeal
falling on his ass.
That's not true.
Who cares
what they think?
Yeah, that's not true.
Yeah, those people
have always been very...
Tolerant...
Supportive.
Are you telling me
you have never once
wished for the day
you could see me fail
so you could laugh
and laugh and laugh?
Not once.
You're laughing
right now...
on the inside.
I am not.
No, she really isn't, Bill.
I've seen her
laughing on the inside,
it looks nothing like this.
I don't believe you.
What?
You are laughing
on the inside.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Now, you're doing it
on the outside now.
Okay, all right,
come on.
Look, uh,
Beth--Beth, come here.
LISA: Matthew?
What's up?
Come here.
Look, we need
to have a talk, okay?
Shouldn't we wait until
Bill and Catherine are off the air?
No, no. This is
about Bill.
Don't look,
don't look.
What's up?
We're playing
some kind of game
where we can't
look at Bill.
Now, I just wanted
to let you guys know
that Bill is feeling
very vulnerable right now, so it's really important--
What's going on,
you guys?
We're talking about
what's bothering Bill.
Don't look,
don't look.
I don't get it.
What's wrong with Bill?
Well, he's having
certain difficulties in-- in writing his book.
He hasn't written
a word, has he?
Yeah, that's pretty
much the case.
I knew it.
And he's very afraid
you're all going to laugh at him,
which I'm sure
you won't.
Look, look,
what's so funny?
Beth, come on.
What?
Oh, my God.
Nothing, nothing's funny.
Oh, it's all so sad.
No, it is--
No, it's not funny.
It really isn't.
Come on, seriously.
Yeah, Bill can be
very, very arrogant, but...
to see him fail
so publicly is...
Okay, okay,
I get it now.
All right, this isn't just
embarrassing for Bill.
This is a real
life-crisis for him.
And as crazy
as it sounds,
Dave thinks
that it's important
that we stand behind him.
Okay. Yeah.
We'll all stand
behind him.
Thanks.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, how's it going,
you big loser?
Come on, guys.
Ahem.
Hey, guys,
let's make a real effort when Bill gets here
because he's really
feeling down.
Well, he sure hasn't
been acting down.
In fact, he's been
cockier than ever.
Catherine.
What? He has been cocky.
Oh, I thought you said
something else.
Hi, gang. Sorry
to keep you waiting.
It's not a party until
you get here, Bill.
I was just finishing up
the section on my college years.
It wouldn't have taken me
so long,
but I was just laughing
myself silly over some of those old stories.
That's just
terrific, Bill.
Good work there, Bill.
You don't have
to tell us
what the stories
are about or anything.
We totally
believe you.
Don't try
to butter me up
so you can get on
the dedication page.
Who are you going
to dedicate it to?
My mother.
Oh! That is so sweet.
Or maybe the guy
who invented the microphone.
Good choices,
good choices.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
You know what?
That tie looks
really good on you.
I've been meaning
to tell you that.
I like your haircut.
Yeah. Not too long,
not too short.
It's just perfect.
You told them,
didn't you?
Told them what?
That I haven't written a word.
That my life couldn't fill up
a haiku much less a book.
DAVE: Bill, come on.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, man, I just
wanted to tell you
the way you read
the weather today, it was just great.
You know,
it was, like, the best weather
I've ever
heard you do.
Oh, come on, Bill.
A man like you.
You must have a ton
of fascinating stories.
Just how exactly
would you describe a guy like me?
Well, okay, a guy who...
you know...
works in radio...
And has a great voice...
Great hair...
Um, great tie,
great clothes...
Um...
God, this is hard.
It's tough.
The problem, as I see it,
is I have absolutely
no personality of my own.
No.
No. No.
Bill, come on.
Seriously,
I envy you people.
There's something
distinct and individual about each one of you.
Beth--
the red-headed firebrand
with a lust for life,
despite her
go-nowhere job.
Joe--
two-bit hood manqué
with a can-do attitude
that borders on
delusional psychosis.
Matthew...
I don't exactly know
what you are,
but there aren't
many like you.
Wow, thank you.
Okay, well,
what about me, Bill?
Now, all I have is
a good radio voice, just like you.
Just like me,
except you're a woman, and you're black.
Ooh, what
I wouldn't give...
It's not everything
it's made out to be, Bill.
Sorry I had to play
the race card.
Okay.
Where you going, Bill?
I need a drink.
Well, have
a drink with us.
Sometimes, a man
just has to drink alone.
Wow, right there,
there you go.
That is a perfect
opening line for a book.
"Sometimes,
a drinking man..."
How did that
go again?
BETH: "Needs to be alone
with his drink."
"A drink needs--"
Where'd he go?
I don't know.
JIMMY: Exactly how
depressed is he?
Well, he's still
not in yet.
Yeah, I'm getting worried.
This isn't like Bill
to be this late.
God, you don't think
he killed himself, do you?
That is so morbid.
Who killed himself?
Bill.
Wow.
Maybe--
Probably not.
I wish you guys
had told me
he was having trouble
with the book.
We didn't know
ourselves.
I probably made
the poor guy feel worse, you know,
with all the huzzahs
and hooplas about the book deal.
I mean, this--
this stupid thing.
I've got to get it
out of here.
I don't want him feeling
any more miserable than he already is.
Et tu, Jimmy?
Just kidding, of course.
Are you feeling
better, Bill?
Better than better.
Well, what happened?
I'm glad you asked.
It's quite a story.
Hey, Bill.
Come on over here,
sweetheart.
I'd like you
to hear this.
Last night, I--
Beth, move over here
so you can better
see my face.
Last night, I hit
my emotional bottom,
and I have you people
to thank for that.
We're really
sorry, Bill.
No, you're not.
Yes, they are, Bill.
Whatever, it's not
relevant. Anyway...
After I hit the bottom,
I looked up,
and you know what I saw?
The top?
That's right!
So I started climbing
toward the top.
Slowly, but surely,
climbing, climbing...
Dude, can you
hurry this up?
Climbing, climbing,
climbing, climbing.
And when it was over,
I had this--
the first three
chapters of my book.
So for those of you
who have just been waiting to see me fall on my ass--
get comfortable,
because it's going to be a long wait.
Bill, try to remember
that everyone here put in a sincere effort
to help you through
a difficult time.
Right. Thanks for
your help, everyone.
Look, Bill, don't go
getting cocky again.
It's hard not to.
You'd be cocky too,
if you had this,
because it's that good.
Okay. That's it. That's it.
You're not writing your book.
Lighten up, Dave.
He's just overcompensating
because he's a little nervous
about finishing it.
He wishes, my dear.
Look, Bill, I'm sorry,
but it's getting disruptive.
We can't rush off to a bar
every time you get writer's block.
I could.
I'm writing the book.
End of story.
You can write
all you want, Bill,
but you're not
going to publish
because I'm not
signing the release. Remember this?
Issue's closed.
Dave, that's not fair.
I don't care,
Catherine.
Oh, don't worry,
this isn't over.
Heck no. You get in there
and fight for your rights.
I think I'll do that.
Do you think
they bought it?
Yeah--yeah,
I think they did.
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
You don't think
I overplayed it, do you?
No. It was
a thing of beauty.
Thanks. What did you use
for your manuscript?
Oh, this is just
an old term paper of mine.
I guess that explains
why it smells of beer.
Dave, on behalf of the staff,
I'd like to say
that we think you're being
very unfair to Bill.
Well, I'm sorry,
but the issue is closed.
I'm impressed.
I was sure you'd tell her.
Tell me what?
Nothing.
Nothing I can do
will change your mind?
No, Bill.
What? Wait a minute.
Tell me what?
Very good. That was
very convincing.
Very good.
That was nice.
Do you think
he bought it?
Of course, I didn't.
[♪]
What do
you want, Bill?
No, Dave.
Knock, knock.
Oh, okay. Who's there?
Bill McNeal.
Bill McNeal who?
That's really
all I have so far.
Dynamite there, Bill.
Actually, that was just
a cheap trick to get into your office.
I need to talk
to you about something.
Okay, shoot.
My agent's been talking
with some publishers,
and apparently, there's
more than a little interest
in me writing an autobiography.
Oh, well, that's
great, Bill.
Thank you.
Anyway, I need you
to sign this release.
Uh, sure.
What is this?
It's just a legal form
granting me permission
to work on an outside project,
blah, blah, blah.
Okay, I'll
look it over, all right?
Take your time.
All right, thanks.
Can you sign off
on my editorial?
Uh, oh, sure, yeah.
What's this?
Bill has a deal to write a book.
What kind of book?
An autobiography,
sort of like the
Howard Stern thing, I guess.
You mean about
the ins and outs
of lesbianism
and sport-spanking?
I certainly hope so.
Yeah,
I'm sure you do.
Just hungry for knowledge.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry, Bill,
I haven't had a chance
to sign it yet.
That's all right, chief.
You know, I was just thinking,
could you kind of keep
this book thing under your hat?
Sure, why?
I would just rather
not have it be public
until we finalize
negotiations.
You haven't
told anyone, have you?
I mentioned it to Lisa.
I asked you
not to tell anyone.
I'm sorry, Bill.
I didn't realize this was
like the Pentagon Papers.
What?
I'll talk to Lisa.
Um, Lisa, can I talk
to you for just a second?
Yeah.
Thanks.
But first, I believe
congratulations are in order.
No, they're not.
What's going on?
Bill just signed
a deal to write his autobiography.
Congratulations, Bill.
Thank you, Lisa,
for that wonderful reception,
and, more importantly,
thank you, Dave, buddy.
Well, you didn't tell me
it was supposed to be some big secret.
I didn't know myself
at the time.
Hey, Bill, look,
I'm really sorry,
but, you know, Lisa had
no idea you wanted to keep this thing a--
It's okay. I'm glad
you told them.
The excitement and enthusiasm
I felt out there just now,
well, it was the shot
in the arm I needed.
Really?
No, I'm being
incredibly sarcastic.
What is this,
the Pentagon Papers?
What?
Look, I don't know
if you've tried to write a book,
but it's not easy.
Look, Bill,
if you're asking one of us to ghostwrite the book,
then ask us.
How much have
you written, Bill?
Just the outline.
Okay, well,
how long is it?
Two words-- "the outline."
There's a big, blank sheet
of paper underneath it.
Well, how long have you
been working on it?
Three months.
Oh.
Okay.
You know what.
You're probably
just overwhelmed
by all the stuff that
you want to get in there.
Yeah.
You should just pick
one point and take off.
Yes, start with radio.
What's interesting about radio?
Well, I think it's
a fascinating medium.
You're from Wisconsin.
Artificial light
is fascinating to you.
Did you know that
when Dan Rather was 19,
he was the youngest photographer
for the Associated Press?
Okay, what were you doing at 19?
Drinking.
How about talking
about how hard it was
to break into
the industry, you know?
All the struggles.
My aunt owned
a radio station.
She hired me to try to
get me to stop drinking.
Staff meeting.
Lisa, would you
care to go out there
and warm them up
for me again?
Okay, let's get to it.
Matthew, Matthew, Matthew--
do you have the New Hampshire
piece ready for me?
Yeah, yeah. I finished
that yesterday.
Do you have
a title yet?
I'm awfully good
with titles.
It's not really
at the title stage yet, Matthew.
Matthew, Matthew--
do you have the tape ready
or just the hard copy?
I got the tape.
Hey, how about
The Camera Never Blinks?
Uh, that's the title
of Dan Rather's book, honey.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I read it.
How about
"The Microphone Never Blinks"?
That makes
no sense at all.
Yes, but it is catchy.
People? People, please,
can we just focus on the work at hand?
Now, Matthew, do you have
that tape for me or--
"Radio Bill."
CATHERINE:
That's not bad.
I appreciate
everyone's enthusiasm,
but it's important that
we not let personal endeavors
interrupt our daily routine.
Dave?
Thank you, Bill.
Now, for the local update--
Radio Days.
Woody Allen movie.
But if you spelled it
D-A-Z-E,
it would have, like,
a Spike Lee feel.
Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
"Give me 12 minutes,
I'll give you my life."
DAVE:
People, please.
Hang on, Dave.
That one's
actually intriguing me.
Wh--what was it again, Matthew?
"Give me my life--"
What was it again?
"And I'll give you
15 minutes."
No, no.
Yeah, yeah.
"Give me 12 minutes
of my life--"
BETH:
"Time of my life."
Meeting's over.
Why doesn't everyone just--
just go back to work.
Hey, that includes you, Matthew.
So, how's the book
going so far?
Fantastic!
Yeah?
I never knew
the writing process could be so invigorating.
I can't believe
someone's letting you write a book.
You mean,
you can't believe
someone's paying me
to write a book.
Bill, guess what.
I keep a diary.
Do you you now?
Yeah, so I guess
in a way,
me and you are doing
something similar.
Sort of, except
my book will be sold
in bookstores
and airports nationwide,
while your diary
will be tucked alone
under its mattress
with other baubles and trinkets.
Exactly.
Sometimes, I write, like,
20-25 pages a night.
Yeah. I have
my slow days too.
He's strutting around out there
like he's Norman Mailer.
Hasn't punched anyone out,
has he?
No, not yet, but he's
totally out of control.
All right. Beth!
Boss.
Tell Mr. Hemingway
I'd like to see him.
No problem.
Hey, Ernie,
F. Scott and Zelda
would like to speak with you.
You know,
he just overcompensates
because he feels insecure.
So does Norman Mailer.
But at least he manages
to get a few words on the page.
No, I really prefer
writing in longhand.
I find it to be more intimate.
Computers can be so...
un-intimate.
Hey, really, I just want
to thank you both once again
for getting everyone
really excited
about my impending failure.
Settle down, Bill.
You know, I think I have
a solution to the problem.
Here, take this tape recorder.
Just carry it with you
through the day,
and just talk into it
whenever anything
pops into your head.
It can't hurt, I guess.
How's this thing work, anyway.
DAVE: ♪ I've been through
The desert ♪
♪ On a horse with no name ♪
♪ It felt good
To be out of the rain-- ♪
Let me get you
a fresh tape.
What is your obsession
with that song?
It wasn't me.
It's just the tape
that this thing came with.
I'll give it a try.
I just wish...
I just wish you hadn't
told all of them about the book.
Oh, look, come on, Bill,
lighten up.
I know you may find this
hard to believe,
but not everybody
spends their whole day
thinking about Bill McNeal.
You're a true source
of comfort, Lisa.
Bill!
Get over here,
you old son of a biscuit eater!
Hi, Jimmy.
Hey, I heard
about your book.
Let me tell you,
I am pleased.
I am pleased
as Christmas punch.
This is going to be
great for the station.
You really think so?
Oh, I got my own publicist
working on it.
Yeah. We're going to spread
your kisser all over this city.
You are going to be big,
my friend. Bigger...
Than, uh...
Dave, who's
that really big guy?
Andre the Giant?
The one
that's not dead yet.
Oh, Hulk Hogan.
Bingo!
So, when can I see
some pages, big guy?
Well, I'm still at
the outline stage, Jimmy.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I understand. I understand.
No pressure. No pressure.
But, as a little surprise,
I had something
made up for you.
You ready?
Ta-dah!
I said, "Ta-dah!"
Yeah, sir, that
really is something.
Ain't that a pisser?
Indeed.
Bill, I thought of
a great story for your book.
Yeah, yeah.
Remember when we were
sitting at Tavern on the Green--
this was
a few years ago--
and Ross Perot
comes in?
And Ross Perot...
Ross Perot comes in,
and he says he wants
to re-enter the presidential race.
See, Bill,
that's a great story.
Yeah,
it's perfect.
When was this exactly?
Oh, what the hell
am I thinking about?
That wasn't you.
That was Dan Rather.
Yeah, that was me
and Dan Rather.
That's a great story, though.
Yeah, the best.
Yeah, that Rather--
"Courage."
Had a million of them.
Of course, you got
a million and one, huh? Attaboy.
Chicago, 1968.
Democratic convention.
Hippies and yippies alike
fill the streets,
waging a war of peace
against Mayor Daley's thugs.
There I was...
watching it on TV
in my dorm and drinking.
Hey...looks like
somebody's been burning the candle at both ends.
Well, you know,
they say a lot of writers
do their best work at night.
Me, I'm
a morning person,
but whatever works
best for you, Bill.
I think
I've got a title.
What is it?
"I suck--
the Bill McNeal story."
Hey, hey, Dave,
look, look.
That's very good.
Thank you.
Hey, Bill,
how's the book going?
Oh.
I guess the tape recorder
didn't help, huh?
See for yourself.
Right.
DAVE: ♪ You can't
Remember your name ♪
♪ 'Cause there
Ain't no one for-- ♪
That helped me
get to bed last night.
My stuff's on the other side.
[TRAFFIC]
I recorded my thoughts
while I drove home
from work yesterday.
Bill--
Shh. I'm almost to the part
where I get so depressed,
I swerve into oncoming traffic.
[SWERVING, HONKING]
Listen, Bill...
this book
is obviously causing you a great deal of pain,
and I think
I have a solution.
Does it involve a gun
with a built-in mouthpiece?
Don't write it.
Hey...
Hey, Bill,
that is an excellent suggestion, huh?
Yeah.
Just give up.
Who cares?
Just give up.
I'll tell you who cares--
those people out there.
Sure, they'll be
disappointed for a little while--
Disappointed?
They'll be overjoyed.
This is just what
they've been waiting to see.
Bill McNeal
falling on his ass.
That's not true.
Who cares
what they think?
Yeah, that's not true.
Yeah, those people
have always been very...
Tolerant...
Supportive.
Are you telling me
you have never once
wished for the day
you could see me fail
so you could laugh
and laugh and laugh?
Not once.
You're laughing
right now...
on the inside.
I am not.
No, she really isn't, Bill.
I've seen her
laughing on the inside,
it looks nothing like this.
I don't believe you.
What?
You are laughing
on the inside.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Now, you're doing it
on the outside now.
Okay, all right,
come on.
Look, uh,
Beth--Beth, come here.
LISA: Matthew?
What's up?
Come here.
Look, we need
to have a talk, okay?
Shouldn't we wait until
Bill and Catherine are off the air?
No, no. This is
about Bill.
Don't look,
don't look.
What's up?
We're playing
some kind of game
where we can't
look at Bill.
Now, I just wanted
to let you guys know
that Bill is feeling
very vulnerable right now, so it's really important--
What's going on,
you guys?
We're talking about
what's bothering Bill.
Don't look,
don't look.
I don't get it.
What's wrong with Bill?
Well, he's having
certain difficulties in-- in writing his book.
He hasn't written
a word, has he?
Yeah, that's pretty
much the case.
I knew it.
And he's very afraid
you're all going to laugh at him,
which I'm sure
you won't.
Look, look,
what's so funny?
Beth, come on.
What?
Oh, my God.
Nothing, nothing's funny.
Oh, it's all so sad.
No, it is--
No, it's not funny.
It really isn't.
Come on, seriously.
Yeah, Bill can be
very, very arrogant, but...
to see him fail
so publicly is...
Okay, okay,
I get it now.
All right, this isn't just
embarrassing for Bill.
This is a real
life-crisis for him.
And as crazy
as it sounds,
Dave thinks
that it's important
that we stand behind him.
Okay. Yeah.
We'll all stand
behind him.
Thanks.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, how's it going,
you big loser?
Come on, guys.
Ahem.
Hey, guys,
let's make a real effort when Bill gets here
because he's really
feeling down.
Well, he sure hasn't
been acting down.
In fact, he's been
cockier than ever.
Catherine.
What? He has been cocky.
Oh, I thought you said
something else.
Hi, gang. Sorry
to keep you waiting.
It's not a party until
you get here, Bill.
I was just finishing up
the section on my college years.
It wouldn't have taken me
so long,
but I was just laughing
myself silly over some of those old stories.
That's just
terrific, Bill.
Good work there, Bill.
You don't have
to tell us
what the stories
are about or anything.
We totally
believe you.
Don't try
to butter me up
so you can get on
the dedication page.
Who are you going
to dedicate it to?
My mother.
Oh! That is so sweet.
Or maybe the guy
who invented the microphone.
Good choices,
good choices.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
You know what?
That tie looks
really good on you.
I've been meaning
to tell you that.
I like your haircut.
Yeah. Not too long,
not too short.
It's just perfect.
You told them,
didn't you?
Told them what?
That I haven't written a word.
That my life couldn't fill up
a haiku much less a book.
DAVE: Bill, come on.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, man, I just
wanted to tell you
the way you read
the weather today, it was just great.
You know,
it was, like, the best weather
I've ever
heard you do.
Oh, come on, Bill.
A man like you.
You must have a ton
of fascinating stories.
Just how exactly
would you describe a guy like me?
Well, okay, a guy who...
you know...
works in radio...
And has a great voice...
Great hair...
Um, great tie,
great clothes...
Um...
God, this is hard.
It's tough.
The problem, as I see it,
is I have absolutely
no personality of my own.
No.
No. No.
Bill, come on.
Seriously,
I envy you people.
There's something
distinct and individual about each one of you.
Beth--
the red-headed firebrand
with a lust for life,
despite her
go-nowhere job.
Joe--
two-bit hood manqué
with a can-do attitude
that borders on
delusional psychosis.
Matthew...
I don't exactly know
what you are,
but there aren't
many like you.
Wow, thank you.
Okay, well,
what about me, Bill?
Now, all I have is
a good radio voice, just like you.
Just like me,
except you're a woman, and you're black.
Ooh, what
I wouldn't give...
It's not everything
it's made out to be, Bill.
Sorry I had to play
the race card.
Okay.
Where you going, Bill?
I need a drink.
Well, have
a drink with us.
Sometimes, a man
just has to drink alone.
Wow, right there,
there you go.
That is a perfect
opening line for a book.
"Sometimes,
a drinking man..."
How did that
go again?
BETH: "Needs to be alone
with his drink."
"A drink needs--"
Where'd he go?
I don't know.
JIMMY: Exactly how
depressed is he?
Well, he's still
not in yet.
Yeah, I'm getting worried.
This isn't like Bill
to be this late.
God, you don't think
he killed himself, do you?
That is so morbid.
Who killed himself?
Bill.
Wow.
Maybe--
Probably not.
I wish you guys
had told me
he was having trouble
with the book.
We didn't know
ourselves.
I probably made
the poor guy feel worse, you know,
with all the huzzahs
and hooplas about the book deal.
I mean, this--
this stupid thing.
I've got to get it
out of here.
I don't want him feeling
any more miserable than he already is.
Et tu, Jimmy?
Just kidding, of course.
Are you feeling
better, Bill?
Better than better.
Well, what happened?
I'm glad you asked.
It's quite a story.
Hey, Bill.
Come on over here,
sweetheart.
I'd like you
to hear this.
Last night, I--
Beth, move over here
so you can better
see my face.
Last night, I hit
my emotional bottom,
and I have you people
to thank for that.
We're really
sorry, Bill.
No, you're not.
Yes, they are, Bill.
Whatever, it's not
relevant. Anyway...
After I hit the bottom,
I looked up,
and you know what I saw?
The top?
That's right!
So I started climbing
toward the top.
Slowly, but surely,
climbing, climbing...
Dude, can you
hurry this up?
Climbing, climbing,
climbing, climbing.
And when it was over,
I had this--
the first three
chapters of my book.
So for those of you
who have just been waiting to see me fall on my ass--
get comfortable,
because it's going to be a long wait.
Bill, try to remember
that everyone here put in a sincere effort
to help you through
a difficult time.
Right. Thanks for
your help, everyone.
Look, Bill, don't go
getting cocky again.
It's hard not to.
You'd be cocky too,
if you had this,
because it's that good.
Okay. That's it. That's it.
You're not writing your book.
Lighten up, Dave.
He's just overcompensating
because he's a little nervous
about finishing it.
He wishes, my dear.
Look, Bill, I'm sorry,
but it's getting disruptive.
We can't rush off to a bar
every time you get writer's block.
I could.
I'm writing the book.
End of story.
You can write
all you want, Bill,
but you're not
going to publish
because I'm not
signing the release. Remember this?
Issue's closed.
Dave, that's not fair.
I don't care,
Catherine.
Oh, don't worry,
this isn't over.
Heck no. You get in there
and fight for your rights.
I think I'll do that.
Do you think
they bought it?
Yeah--yeah,
I think they did.
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
You don't think
I overplayed it, do you?
No. It was
a thing of beauty.
Thanks. What did you use
for your manuscript?
Oh, this is just
an old term paper of mine.
I guess that explains
why it smells of beer.
Dave, on behalf of the staff,
I'd like to say
that we think you're being
very unfair to Bill.
Well, I'm sorry,
but the issue is closed.
I'm impressed.
I was sure you'd tell her.
Tell me what?
Nothing.
Nothing I can do
will change your mind?
No, Bill.
What? Wait a minute.
Tell me what?
Very good. That was
very convincing.
Very good.
That was nice.
Do you think
he bought it?
Of course, I didn't.
[♪]