NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 6 - Friends - full transcript

Uh, excuse me, sir?

Yes.

ID?

I'm sorry. I left it
upstairs

on my desk last night.

Aw, well,
don't worry about that.

You be kind enough

to step back over here
behind the desk,

I'll call right up,
have you cleared in a jiffy.

Well, I'm not sure
I have a jiffy to spare,

so if you don't mind--



Morning, Bill.
Hey, baby.

Hey, darling,
how you doing?

Look, I work here.
My ID is on my desk,

my desk is upstairs,
where I work.

Which part of this
don't you understand?

Well, I understand
everything perfectly, sir,

but the building policy
is no ID, no entry.

Look, what can we
do for you, sir?

Do you know who I am?
I'm Bill McNeal.

He really is.
I can vouch for him.

Thank you, Matthew,

my fellow co-worker
at WNYX on the 14th floor.

Look, I don't care

if you're the president
of New York city.



No ID, no entry.

Lorenzo, Junior,
what's up?

Hey, big Joe.

I got wrecked
last night,

lost my ID in some bar.

Aw, don't worry about it,
man.

Okay, you guys win.

No, no one wins
in a situation like this, pal.

You've broken my spirit.

What can I do but
turn around and go home?

Man, I hate it when they
start to get rude like that.

He's a very rude man.

There's no excuse for
that type of behavior--

Hey.

Uh, Mr. McNeal?

Excuse me.

You know, up high,
down low,

in the middle,

I still need
to see some ID.

Just looking for a quarter
for the paper.

Need a quarter?

I'll give you
a quarter.

You just signed
your termination papers,

my friend.

I'm calling your superiors

and having you both fired
immediately.

You think we should
tell him

that the phone's
out of order?

No. I think he'll
figure it out

in a second.

Yeah, he figured
it out.

[♪]

All right, I got
M through Q.

Where do you want them?

Okay, great. Over here
I have J, K, L,

so if you could just
drop them...

right over there.

That would be great.
Thanks so much, Joe.

Thanks again for helping me
get past those morons.

They're not morons, Bill.

They're just doing
their job.

Just doing their job?

That's what the men
from the bank said

when they repossessed
my farm.

You never had a farm.

Farm, boat.
Same difference.

What's going on?

Oh, we're re-filing
old news stories

from the past three years.

Dave discovered that
the old station manager

had a rather unique
filing system.

What's unique?

Well, name a topic.

I'll tell you
how it was filed.

Okay. Taxicabs.

Taxicabs. That would be under
"Yellow, things that are."

That makes sense.
Right next to bananas.

Uh, no, actually,
bananas are under

"fruits, ones that
I'm allergic to."

Ass, sounds like this job
is a pain in the.

Much, thank you very.

Hi, David.

Oh, hi.

Hey, Beth.

I know this is
a huge job--

Oh, it's nothing, Dave.

So I've hired a temp
for you, okay?

Oh, yippee, yippee.

All right, now, remember,
you are to supervise the temp,

but she is not a toy.

Okay, so no dress-up.

And no taking her apart
to find out how she works.

Hey, Dave.

Hi, Mr. James.

Okay, Bethie,
you know the drill.

Any controversial documents
you run across,

Ba-da-bing, I'm right here
with Mr. Shredder.

Okay.

Brand new, you know,
state-of-the-art model.

If Nixon would have
had this thing

when that whole Watergate thing
happened...

He'd still be dead now?

Yeah.

Kind of puts it all
in perspective, don't it?

Anyway, I haven't
had a chance to test him out.

Oh, wait.
Well, here you go.

What's this?

Uh, that is a file on
the Bronx Zoo,

filed under,
"Central Park Zoo,

Not that one,
but the other one."

Let's feed this baby.

Whoa, look at her go.

Whoo.

That was fun.

You know, there's
some sort of speed control

on here somewhere.

Hang on, hang on.

Here are the instructions
for the shredder.

Wait--wait a minute.
Wait--wait.

Shredding the instructions
for the shredder.

Talk about your
mind-blowing irony.

Dare I?

Uh, sir--

Let's do it.

Go, baby, go.

Now, where the hell's
that speed control?

Hey, what's
going on?

Mr. James dropped a muffin
in the shredder.

Okay, I'll get Joe up here
with his tools right away.

No, the shredder's fine.

He just sent me in here
to get some doughnuts

and bagels, or...

you know, "anything else

that would look cool
all chopped up."

Of course.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for a Mr. Nelson?

Hey, I think
your temp's here.

Hi, I'm Dave Nelson.

Oh, how do you do?
I'm Sandi Angelini.

Oh, hi, Sandi.

Now, you're going to be
working for Beth today.

Let me introduce you.
Beth?

Beth.

Sandi!

Well, Beth.

Gosh, hey there.

Oh, my gosh.

So, you two
know each other?

Like since
the fifth grade.

Wow, that's terrific.

This is so great.

Dave, can I see you
in your office for a sec?

Sure, sure.
Excuse us, Sandi.

It's great to see you.

Hey, you too, Sandi.

Fire her.

Your old friend Sandi?

Yes. Fire her now.

This is the temp?

What--what's up? I mean,

she steal your high-school
sweetheart or something?

Oh yeah, of course,

because whenever two women
are fighting,

It's obviously over a man
because, you know,

men are all-important
and women are nothing.

Men are great.
All hail king man.

But yeah, she did steal
my high-school sweetheart.

Not to mention my hairstyle,
my mannerisms,

and my eclectic, some say
daring, sense of style.

She's a copycat, Dave.
She wants to be me.

I find that
a little hard to believe.

You do sound
a little paranoid.

What happened
to sister solidarity?

I don't know.

I think she and Bobby Seale

opened up a restaurant
in Houston.

Hey, that's funny.

Okay, you guys,
you think I'm crazy?

Fine, I'm going
to prove it to you.

Pick a guy in this office.
Any guy.

Dave.

No, you can't pick Dave.
It ruins the experiment.

What experiment?
Just pick a guy.

Matthew.

Okay, perfect, Matthew.

Okay, I'm going to drop
a few hints

that I "like" Matthew,
all right?

By lunchtime, I promise you,
Sandi will be engaged to him.

I think that's
very unlikely.

Well, you just wait and see.

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Mr. Nelson, I thought
you might like some coffee.

Oh, Thank you, Sandi.
Oh, and please call me Dave.

Oh, thank you, Dave.

Um, your 1:00 appointment
just canceled,

so I rescheduled it.

I hope that's all right?

Oh, that's great.

Beth, I'll just be outside
whenever you need me.

Hey, okay, great.

I got more time at lunch now.

Do you want
to go up to the museum?

Wait, wait, wait.

Did anyone notice
what she did to her hair?

It's the same clip!

No, see, we'll go
up to MOMA

and then we'll get
a bite to eat.

Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

Sandi, I just
love your hair.

Oh, thank you.
You guys are so sweet.

Hey, Matthew.

Yeah?

I cannot get you
out of my mind.

Sandi, want to meet me
out in the hall?

Okay.

It's really great
meeting you guys.

Joe.

Yeah.

You know, she seems nice.

Yeah, she's very
pleasant. Very nice.

She wants me.

Come again?

You didn't
see that?

No, I didn't see that.

You didn't see that?

No, I did not
see that, Joe.

Come on.

Looks like somebody's
going to be taking

an extra-long
lunch break today.

Why, are you really
super hungry or something?

What?

I'll explain it
to you later, Matthew.

Oh, it's a black thing.

I don't have a TV.

Oh, man, this cat took it
from the 10-yard line

all the way back down
to the other five-yard line--

Excuse me, fellas.

I just want to apologize
for my behavior this morning.

I completely overreacted,
and I'm sorry.

Don't even worry
about that, man.

Go on, man.

Anyway, I'm going
to grab a sandwich.

You fellas want me
to pick you up anything?

Yeah. Bring us back
something to chomp on.

Yeah, like some chippy
chips or something.

You got it.

Forgot my wallet.

You want potato chips
or tortilla chips?

Excuse me.

Now, you know before you go
to this elevator,

I'm going to need to see
some ID.

Come again?

No ID, no entry.

I get it.

Now that we're buddies,
you guys are pulling my leg.

A little lobby hijinks.
I love it.

You two sons of bitches
have taken this too far.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I don't have time
to argue this,

but I will be back.
Oh, yeah.

When you get back,
man,

bring them chips
with you, all right?

Hey, girls.

Oh, wait, don't tell me.
Um, Matthew.

Yeah, Matthew.

Hi, Matthew.

Matthew, would you mind if
I took off your glasses?

Why would you want
do that?

I just want to see just
how blue those eyes are.

It seems
kind of silly.

Go ahead, though.

Oh, my, my, my.

It's like staring
into the ocean.

Yeah. They actually
do get watery

when there's
a lot of pollen.

See, actually,

what happened was my
retina was detached.

Oh, yeah.

I was seeing all these
floaties, you know?

Oh, yeah, wow.

Anyways, I got to
get back to work.

Oh, I'm sorry, of course.

And go
to the bathroom.

Wow, that really was
something, Beth.

Yes, it was.

Dave, how come we never
talk dirty like that?

I don't know.

Hey, let's go back
to my office.

I'll tell you all about
my tonsillectomy.

I'm back.

That was quick.

Hey, does this
go under "subways"

or "mass transit"?

I don't know.
Let me check.

Busy little bees.
Buzz buzz buzz.

Buzzy wuzzy wuzzy.

"Buzzy wuzzy wuzzy."
That's funny.

Yeah.

Better watch out.
You might get stung.

Bzzz!

Ow.

You're a naughty
little bee.

Look out, because here comes
the big bad bumblebee.

Buzz...

Grow up.

Wow.

Hey, where you guys going?

Oh, Sandi's taking me
to her favorite restaurant.

Oh, sushi place, 53rd Street
between 3rd and Lex?

Yeah.
How'd you know?

Ooh, lucky guess.

Oh, yeah, of course,
because, oh, man...

I can't believe
this keeps happening.

Are you all right?

You know what she's like?

She's like a slutty version

of the singing frog
in that cartoon.

You know, you know.

♪ Hello, my honey
Hello, my baby ♪

Oh, oh, oh, here comes Dave.

Ribbit.

So, Beth...

does this singing frog
ever tell you to do things?

Well, someone should find Dave

and send him down to
the security desk immediately!

Bill, where the hell
have you been?

Thank you!

I'm going
to go catch a cab.

Okay, I'll be right out.

Gentlemen,
meet my supervisor.

Hi. What can
I do for you?

Do us a favor

and please sign this ID
waiver right here.

Oh, sure.
All right.

Now, Bill, would you please
get in the booth?

Wait! Wait! Wait.

Hey. We didn't
see his ID.

Oh, I should have known.

Well, I'm going
to wait over here

until my supervisor
gets back from lunch.

Check this out.

You want to see
the game this weekend,

you come over.

I've just bought

this 50-inch big,
fat-ass TV.

Whoa.

Punches in the boxing
looks like 3-D.

Yeah.

So long, suckers!
Ha ha ha ha!

You want me
to get that one?

Nah. I'll go get it.

Could you try calling
up there again?

All right.
What was your extension?

2441.

2442.

No. 1. 1.
2441.

112441.

2-4-4-1. [DIALING]

That's funny.
I'm with you.

Just us guys having fun.

Ain't nothing hardly funny
about a missing ID.

Hello. Hi.
It's lobby security.

Yeah, I got
a Mr. McNeal here,

and he--oh, he is?

Oh, um,

sorry, Mr. "McNeal,"

but apparently,
the real Mr. McNeal

is already upstairs.

Uh, I'm sorry

to bother you, ma'am.

CATHERINE: No problem.

Buh-bye.

Ha ha ha ha.

You ladies
come across any more

of my personal files
in there?

"Mr. James, charitable
donations of"?

No, no, no, no.

"Mr. James, awards
and honors given to"?

Nuh-uh.

"Mr. James,
water investment, white"?

I never invested in any water.
No water.

What are you talking about
water?

This is silly.

Sir, doesn't that actually
mean Whitewater Investment?

Doesn't what mean
Whitewater Investment?

That file.

What file?

Hi, girls.

Hi, tiger.

Rrrowr!

Ooh! Matthew.
Do that again.

I don't know.
I kind of hurt my throat.

Oh, please.

All right. Rrrowr!

Ooh!

Actually, I think you
sound more like a lion

than a tiger.

Oh, uh, thanks, I guess.

No, these are
the swift,

speckled hands
of a tiger.

Oh, that speckle.

I used to have
the Michael Jackson disease.

Your skin changes color--

I have some lotion at home.

I could rub it on you
for you.

I have something
better than that.

Mmm!

[DEEP VOICE] Well, I got to get
back to work, ladies.

Dave, what up?

What was she thinking?

I guess in the heat
of the moment,

she just forgot that she doesn't
really like Matthew that way.

Wham. Right on the lips.
Just...

Well, I think we have
a little problem here, people.

Sandi likes you?

Yeah. Well, obviously.

But I'm starting
to think now--

Beth likes you too?

That Beth likes me too.
Yeah.

Things are a little
randy around here, David.

Oh, yeah, very randy.

In fact, I'd call it...
bawdy.

I feel like I'm in
one of those Archie comic books.

I got Veronica on side of me,
Betty on the other,

and I can't
pick which one.

Yeah, but neither one of them
ever liked Jughead.

I'm...Archie.

Oh.

Anyways, in the comics,
all they ever did was kiss,

but frankly, David,
this could go much further.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I can see

where it can't be very easy
to be you, Matthew.

It is not easy, David.
I'm telling you.

It is not easy.

But between us three,

I'm actually
kind of enjoying it.

Okay, it just turned sad.
Yeah.

Yeah.

There. Those are
all finished.

Want me to take
half of yours?

Uh, okay, sure.

Why don't you chew
on these a while?

I really like that jacket.
Where did you get it?

Oh, I got it at this really cute
little place down at--

I made it myself.

Where did you
get the material?

I got two silkworms--
one male, one female.

I put them together and
let them reproduce for a year.

Then I spun the silk

into a design
that I created myself,

and that is how
I got the jacket.

Where did you
get the silkworms?

I can't take you
anymore, Sandi.

All right.

I hope that
the both of you are happy.

Matthew seems to think that
he's about to be proposed to

or propositioned,
or pleasured in some way.

Then, whatever it is,

I think that this charade
has got to stop.

What charade?

You know the charade
we're talking about.

It's the one where you do
your hair like me,

you dress like me,
and you act like me.

What? Oh, right!
Sandi's crazy, crazy, crazy!

Like that!

Like what?

Like that. That's mine.

That "crazy, crazy, crazy"--
that's mine.

You copy everything I do.

It's like when we were
in high school.

Remember I started wearing
argyle leg warmers,

then you started
wearing them too.

Everybody was wearing them.

Not as a scarf!

So I tried to be like you!
So what?

And the harder I tried,

the more you made me
miserable.

How did I make
you miserable?

Oh! What about that time
you told me

you were going to do
that summer program

with the Peace Corps,

and really, you stayed home
and worked for Six Flags,

and I wound up
digging wells in Uganda?

That was a joke.

That was torturing me!

So I slept with your
boyfriends, okay?

I'm pathetic!

No, you're not.
You're not pathetic.

Yes, I am!

I have a great sex life,
and I'm pathetic.

All right.

Well, I'm glad we could have
this little chat.

Whatever.

Oh, Sandi, Beth, good.
I'm glad I caught you.

Listen, this is...
oh, so hard for me,

but I can't...

I can't keep stringing you both
along like this, you know?

Matthew?

Please, Dave.

I've thought about this.

I've got a great idea.
Listen up.

I cannot make a decision,

because you both
are just...perfect.

I mean, look at you.
You're great,

so I've decided to just
throw myself in the ring

and let you guys decide
who gets the prize.

Matthew, it breaks
my heart to do this,

but I think Beth
would be better for you.

Oh, no. Good.

Beth, looks like
it's your lucky day.

That's sweet.
It's really sweet,

and we're such good
friends, you know?

I wouldn't want to
ruin our friendship.

Huh.

Well, looks like you get
a second chance, Sandi.

I'm sorry.
I'm going to pass.

Oh.

Chocolates.

I'm sort of a chocoholic.

I like, uh, chocolates,

and they're cheaper when you
buy them in these funny-shape--

Oh, I see, it's a heart.
I didn't even notice.

Hey, Matthew, come on.
I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Matthew, we're
really, really--

We're sorry.

If there's anything
we could do.

I guess I could use a hug.

JIMMY: Oh, baby, is this
my lucky day or what?

Hey, kids, check this out.

Shredding a heart.

If that's not
a metaphor for...

something,
I don't know what is.

Well, I hate
to be a downer,

but there are still about
25 boxes to be filed,

so if you could?

So, the, um,

wearing leg warmers
as a scarf thing

was kind of a stupid
look anyway,

wasn't it?

Yeah.

They really went for it
in Uganda, though.

Wait a minute.

You told Beth and Sandi

that it was against
company policy

to date me?

Yeah, I'm sorry,

but, you know, a policy
is a policy, Matthew.

Well, this
explains a lot.

What about
you and Lisa?

This policy only
applies to Matthew.

That makes
no sense at all!

Well--

No. No. It does.
You'd be surprised.

There's a lot of
company policies

that only
apply to me.

Hey, Bill. You left your ID
upstairs, man.

I took it before
somebody could swipe it.

Thank you, Joseph!

Well, gentlemen,

Here we have it.

Take a good, long look.

Was it worth the wait?

Feast your eyes on it.

Is it everything
you hoped it would be?

Ah, well, um,

according to this ID
right here...

this expired last month.

Come on, now.
I was just kidding.

I guess it's
sort of funny.

Isn't it?

It's hi-larious.

Uh-uh.

I still need to see some ID.

[♪]