NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Shrink - full transcript

Hey, hey, is it too late
to just call in sick?

Come on,
let's just go home.

Come on, Dave,
it's not that bad.

The mood in there
last week was abysmal.

I know, but everybody's
just burnt out.

I'm sure they've had
a chance to recover.

Oh, please. Why don't
you two just get a room!

Yeah.
Morning, Catherine.

What's good about it?

I didn't say
"Good morning, Catherine"--

Go to hell.



Okay.

You keep playing
these stupid games.

It's all jammed up.

Don't play games.

I'm supposed
to fix it?

How are
you guys doing?

Great... except for
the sore throat and the fever...

and I think all
my teeth are loose.

You have a bug or something?

Sounds like a whining
disease to me.

Well, aren't we funny?

JOE: Dude, you
make me sick.

Look at it.

Bill, I'm sorry
I put something in your garbage can.



No. Look at it.

I want you to show me
where it says,

"This is where
Lisa Miller's trash goes."

Why, it doesn't
say that at all, does it?

Come on, Bill, it's really not
that big a deal, is it?

This is not
your fight, Dave.

Just walk away.

They seem to have
recovered nicely.

Morning, Beth.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

You going
to get that?

You know what?
I don't tell you how to do your job.

Now, it would be
really, really great

if you didn't tell me
how to do mine, okay?

Who are you
and what do you want?

It's for you, Dave.

I'll take it in here.

Alrighty!

What's that?

What's what?

That cubicle?

That's a cubicle.

What's it doing there?

What's it doing where?

Who authorized putting
that cubicle there?

Who authorized putting
that cubicle where?

In case you haven't
figured it out,

I'm trying to
get through this

without ratting
anybody out.

MATTHEW:
Bill did it.

Bill did what?

Forget it, Joe.

He paid for it
with his own money.

He said he wanted
some privacy.

Uh-huh. I see.

He said he couldn't stand
sharing breathing space

with the rest of us idiots.

Did he really
say that to you?

No, Dave, but I can read
between the lines.

Something I can
help you with, chief?

Bill, why is there
a cubicle around your desk?

Last week,
you told us

we should all find
ways to relax.

I need complete privacy
to relax.

Well, that wasn't really
what I had in mind.

I mean,
have you thought about

how this will make
your co-workers feel?

Actually, one of
the great things

about the cubicle
is not having to think

about my co-workers
at all.

Bill, I want you
to get rid of the cubicle.

This conflict is
very stressful for me.

I think I'll relax
in private.

I'll be in my cubicle!

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

No.

No!

Oh-ho-ho! Oh, yeah?

You think I'm the one
who's crazy? Is that right?

Really?

Well, you haven't heard
the last of this one, pal.

Wow. Tough negotiation,
huh, sir?

No. Wrong number. I misdialed.

From the sounds of it,

I don't think they'll ever
make the mistake

of answering
their phone again.

So, uh-- so, tell me,
are you okay?

I don't know.

I haven't felt right
since I got in here.

There's a lot of tension
in this place, Dave.

There's a lot of tension.

Yeah. We've been having
sort of a rough couple of weeks,

but I'm pretty sure
it's going to blow over.

It might, it might,
but you know what?

I think I'm going to call
Dr. Frank anyway.

Dr. Who?

Frank.

Frank Westberg.
He's a therapist.

Oh, yeah. We did
an on-air interview

with him
a few years ago.

We became friends,

and I have him in
every once in a while

just to clean out
everybody's psyches.

He's great.
He's absolutely great.

He's like an enema
for the brain.

Well, as delightful
as that sounds, sir,

I really don't think
the staff needs a therapist.

In fact, later on,
I'm having a meeting.

We'll talk it all out,
and we'll be fine after that.

You are the stubborn one, Dave,

but, you know what?

I think Dr. Frank
could help you with that.

Well, I just really don't think
the staff's going to appreciate

some outsider coming in here

and playing around
with their minds.

Dave, Dave, Dave...

"Fear of the unknown
is spiritual paralysis."

Dr. Frank teach you that?

No. Read it on a box
of herbal tea.

I'll see you, Dave.

Okay, now, listen, guys.

The atmosphere
around this office lately,

well, it's been
very, very stressful.

[BLOWS LOUDLY]]

I really think
the best thing for all of us

is if we just take some time
and talk it all out,

get everything out in the open,
all right?

So, who would like
to go first? Hmm?

[COUGHS]

Oh, come on. Somebody
has to go first.

What about you,
Catherine?

You've
been a little--

Back off, David.

All right, Joe,
I know you have something to say,

and I would--

Beth?

Dave?

Never mind.

Okay, look, people...

if we can't solve
this ourselves,

Mr. James wants
to bring in a psychologist.

Dr. Frank?

You've heard of him?

Of course, we have.
Yeah! Oh, thank god.

So this isn't
a problem?

No.
He's just what this place needs.

When's he coming?

Some time next week--

No, Dave. Now, Dave.

I guess I could get him in here
tomorrow if that's--

That's it.
Yes, yes!

Oh, my sinuses
are draining.

Good, good.

Good going, chief.

Thanks, Bill.
Get rid of your cubicle?

No.

I think you're really
going to like Frank.

Yeah-- so, you know him?

Oh, yeah.
He's an old friend of mine.

He was my psych professor
in college. I told you.

So what does he do?
Hypnosis? Role playing?

Brain leeches?

What?

No. He just... talks to people
about their problems.

Oh... well, wasn't that
what I was just doing?

Yeah, but when he does it,
people feel better.

Bill?

Who is it?

Matthew-- it's
Matthew Brock, Bill.

Hello, Matthew.

How's it going
out there?

Good, good. How's your,
uh, little cubicle?

Very well, thank you.

I wish I could
invite you in,

but I have a
"no visitors" policy.

That's fine. I actually
just wanted to know

if I could
maybe my head peek over,

you know, see how you set it up,
just out of curiosity.

No. I'd rather you didn't.

Dude, it really is
cool back here.

I got to get
to work.

Later.

I-- I thought you
just said no visitors.

Joe was in here
on official business.

Hey, wait a minute.
Is that smoke?

Is what smoke?

Bill, that's smoke.

Do you have
a cigarette in there?

Why, I certainly
hope not.

I'll tell you what,
I'll go downstairs and check.

Bill, this is
a non-smoking office. You know that.

Hey, it's Dr. Frank!

How are you?

Hi, Catherine!

It's so good
to see you!

Oh, Beth, hi!

Matthew, right?

Yeah, the one with
all the psychosomatic disorders.

What's up,
Dr. Frank?

Hey, Joe.

How's everybody feeling?

You don't really want us
to get into that right now.

Well, maybe
the short version.

Oh, in that case-- fine.

Dr. Westberg? I'm Dave Nelson.
I'm the news director here.

Dave, it's great to meet you.

I understand your staff's
been having some problems?

Nothing the great
Dr. Frank can't handle, apparently.

I'll certainly
do what I can.

You'll be great.
If anybody can fix it--

Where's Bill?
How's the old dog holding up?

He's in his little hut
over there, smoking.

Yeah. We've been having
a lot of trouble

getting Bill to quit smoking
in the office.

He's been
very stubborn.

Hey, Bill?
Some setup you got going here.

Well, hello, Dr. Frank!

You're not smoking
in there, are you, Bill?

You got me.

Here you go, doc.
I'll cut it out.

Okay, uh, doctor,
I know you may think

you've gotten him to quit,

but I know Bill.

He just has a couple packs
hidden in there.

Do you, Bill?

Well, yes.

Here you go.

Can't put one
past you, Dr. Frank.

Stay healthy.
We need you.

We'll talk.

Dave...

What I do is stay for the day
and have short,

one-on-one sessions
with everybody in the office.

You mind if I use
this office here for privacy?

No. No. I guess I wasn't
planning on using...

my office much today.

Frank?

Hey!
Hey!

Oh, how you been?
So good to see you!

It's been a long time.
What's new?

Nothing. Just working.

Oh, you look terrific.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, if you're
not busy right now,

why don't you take
the first session with me?

Okay, unless--

I like to go last,

so I can hear
what everybody says about me.

Beth, you know,
I can't do that.

I know.
I keep forget--

Bad, Beth, bad!

No, Beth--
Beth...

Remember what
we talked about.

Lisa, whenever
you're ready.

Okay.
Excuse me.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Hmm? Oh, I'm--
oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

You're all right
about this, right, Dave?

Yeah, yeah.
Sure thing. Sure.

Lisa...

I just want
to ask you something.

Now, this is just
a gut feeling I get,

and I apologize
for even asking.

This is silly, but...

Was there something
between you and Dr. Frank?

Yeah.
Huh?

Dave, I told you
about this--

when I
was in college.

You slept
with your therapist?

No, he wasn't
my therapist.

I would never sleep
with my therapist.

He was my professor.

You slept
with your professor!

Yeah.

I mean, isn't that
illegal and disgusting?

Illegal? No.
Inappropriate? Yes.

Disgusting? Hardly.

Look, it was
just a fling.

We've been friends
for a long time.

Lisa, I'm ready for you.

Okay.

We can talk
about this later.

Yeah, we'll talk about this
as soon as you're done with--

How long have they
been in there?

Um, let me see.

Oh, actually, Lisa is, like,
10 minutes over her hour,

but, relax,

I will make sure you get
your turn with Dr. Frank.

Look, I don't need
my turn with Dr. Frank.

Yes, you do because
you're pacing like a rat

in one of those
educational films about cocaine abuse.

Beth, honey, is Dr. Frank
going to be free soon?

Actually, I'm next,

but I'm thinking
of giving my turn to Dave

because his head
is about to explode.

Could I be next?

I really have a few things
I just got to get off my chest.

Catherine, you know,
I'm always here for you

if you need
a sympathetic ear.

David...
that is so sweet of you.

Thank you.

Anyway, honey,
when the doctor get out.

Mm-hmm. I'll tell you.

Well, I guess I should
really just get some work done,

as long as I'm just
hanging around here waiting.

Oh, great, great, great.
This is terrific.

I need my calculator.
It's in there.

You can use mine, Dave.
It's right here.

I need this month's
financial report.

Oh, I have a copy
right here, Dave.

Yeah, but I should probably
work on the original.

Today's your lucky day, Dave!
I have the original right here.

Now, what is this
doing out here?

This is supposed
to be in my office.

Well, I'll, uh...

Wait, there's more--

Oh, hi, Dave.

Oh! I just came in
to get this month's financial report.

The financial report
is in your hands.

Yes, it is.

Where were we?
Go ahead.

No, you finish.

What's that, Beth?

That's great.
No, no. I'll tell her.

Lisa, I'm really sorry,
but Moynihan's office

is on line three
for that interview.

Oh, shoot. I really have
to take this.

When can we
finish this?

Whenever you want, Lisa.

It's so good
to see you.

Thank you so much.
That was great. Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Dave...

Hmm?

Would you care
to sit down and talk?

No thanks. Lisa and I are
going to go to lunch.

I thought she was interviewing
Senator Moynihan.

I lied.
Right.

Bill, I mean, it,
I want to talk about this

I want to talk about it
right now.

Matthew, is there
something wrong?

Dr. Frank told me
to assert myself more with Bill,

so that's what I'm doing.

Really? Gee, I seem
to remember giving you

that exact same advice
on several occasions, Matthew.

Whatever, David.

Listen up, Bill, because
I'm going to say it once,

and I'm going
to say this loud.

I want your cubicle
removed immediately.

Oh, yeah, I'm feeling
it now, David.

Furthermore, Mr. McNeal,

your little holier-than--
than-the-holy-almighty--

holy, holy attitude
is not going to be tolerated.

Okay, you walk
amongst us, my friend,

not in front of us!

Matthew...

David...

Matthew...

Don't stop me,
David, really.

Yeah. Let him continue.

Thank you.

David?

Mm-hmm?

Bill is, uh, standing...

behind me, isn't he?

I'm afraid so,
Matthew.

Good, then I...
don't have to repeat it.

He has got to start
eating red meat.

Bill, what exactly
do you do in there that is so secret?

Look at me--
I'm calm. I'm relaxed.

Don't screw with
a good thing, Dave.

I'll see you later.

I'm going downstairs.

That's great, Bill.
I've seen that before.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I'll just use
the elevator then.

"In Washington today,

White House Chief of Staff
Leon Panetta met with--"

My God, how do you type so fast?

I sort of
go into a trance. Really?

Yeah, it's like being
on auto-pilot.

What do we have so far?

"In Washington today,

"White House Chief of Staff
Leon Panetta met with--

"How do you type so fast?

"I sort of go into a trance.
Really?

"Yeah, it's like being
on auto-pilot.

Okay, what do we have
so far?"

Okay, good...

What are you doing?

Dr. Frank thought I might
feel better about myself

if I tried helping Matthew

instead of tormenting
him relentlessly.

Joe, look, you don't have
to automatically do

anything that Dr. Frank
tells you to do.

I know that,

but I am starting to feel
better about myself.

You got a problem with that?

Don't you have
work of your own you should be doing?

David...

What?

This is an important
step for him.

Please don't crap
all over it.

JOE: Thank you.

MATTHEW: Okay.
What do we got?

Shh, shh, shh!

We're doing
a little relaxation.

Oh, I see.

It looks like he's asleep.

No. He's actually
in an advanced meditative stage.

It's helpful in reducing stress
and gaining focus.

Is that a fact?

[SNORES, MUMBLES]

Okay, now he's sleeping.

Jimmy? Time to get up.

Wake up, Jim.

Ohh!

Man, do I feel terrific.

Hey, Dave,
what's shaking, bacon?

Oh, usual stuff, sir.

Let me tell you,

Dr. Frank, you are
the original dream weaver.

Mind, body, soul,

all present and accounted for.

Glad I could help.

Dave, you have your session
with the magic man yet?

Did he cure what ails you?

I get the feeling
Dave's not a therapy guy.

No, I'm not, but I do want
to speak to the doctor.

Okay, all right,

but just remember,
let it out--

Or sweat it out.
Yes. I love advice that rhymes.

That a boy.
Thanks, Dr. F.

Any time, Jimmy.
Any time.

Okay.

What's on your mind?

I'm not here for therapy, okay?

Sorry, sorry.

I want to tell you
I really resent

the hell out of the fact
that you just waltz in here,

and start giving these people
the same advice I give them,

and then they treat you
like you're some kind of guru.

I see, but--

I have to be here
every day,

listening to all
their problems and complaints.

Seems to me--

I guess the very fact
that they keep coming back to me

shows they at least
respect my opinion...

and trust me
enough to confide in me.

Well, that's true.

Yeah. That is true.

Thank God,
we didn't do any therapy.

Is that all it is?

People just come in and tell you
what's bothering them

and they feel better?

That's basically it.

Kind of enjoyed that.

That was okay.

Yeah.

You know,
as long as we're going--

Hang on a second.
I'm sorry, but my time here is officially up.

I'd love
to hear about it--

It's just one other thing
I wanted to tell you.

All right. Go ahead.

I can't believe
I had to spend the whole day

with a guy who slept
with my girlfriend.

This has to have been
the most awkward

and excruciating experience
I've ever endured.

I mean, don't you think
it's a little bit unethical

that you slept with
one of your sophomore students?

Yes, but I was
going through

a very strange time
back then.

Oh, really?
What kind of strange time?

I'd rather
not talk about it.

You're sure, doc.

You know what they say--
let it out or sweat it out.

Look, I was grappling
with my own personal demons.

What kind of personal demons?

Sexual addiction.

Sorry, I'm from Wisconsin.

Is that the same as
"gettin' a lot"?

Similar.

Uh-huh.

I was completely
out of control--

impulsive, indiscriminate--

students, faculty,
men, women.

It didn't matter.

Boy, it feels good
to talk about this.

Well, I'd love to hear more,
but I've got work to do.

No, I understand.

You are a good listener.

Thank you.

And you have
really nice hands.

Excuse me?

Your hands--
I noticed them earlier.

They're quite beautiful.

Doctor...you never
fully resolved

the aforementioned problem,
did you?

Not really.

You want to talk?

Mm-hmm.

Have a seat
on the couch.

Thank you so much, Dave.

It really felt great
getting that off my chest.

That was really
my pleasure,

and good luck with--
well, you know.

Yeah.

Frank.

Oh, Catherine, listen,
you take care of yourself.

We need you.

And good luck
with-- you know.

Goodbye, Frank.

Lisa.

Give me a call
some time, okay?

Will do, and...
take care of yourself. We need you.

And sometimes,
when we think about it,

we really need you.

Dr. Frank?

Yeah?

I don't think we should
take up any more of your time.

Before you go, can you
please talk to Bill

about getting rid
of that cubicle.

Yes. As much as I dislike
having to look at him,

it is getting
ridiculous.

I don't know.
He seems pretty attached to it.

Bill?

Hi, Dr. Frank.

I understand
you're leaving us.

Yes. Bill, remember,
we talked earlier

about you needing to remove
the metaphorical walls

you've put around yourself?

I do. Your analysis
was both accurate and poetic.

Well, thank you, Bill,
but now I think it's time

for you, literally,
to remove the walls.

The cubicle is just
keeping you at a distance

from those around you.

I want you to get rid of it.

Sorry, but no can do.

The privacy this
cubicle affords me

is integral to
my relaxation technique.

You'll just have
to trust me on this one, doc.

I gave it a shot.

Yeah, thanks.
You know, I want to try.

Please.

Right. Uh... Bill?

Is that you, Dave?

Yes, Bill.

Now, Bill, I want you

to listen to the sound
of my voice, and relax.

This is how I relax, okay?

If you think everyone
is going to want to see this,

go ahead--
tear down the walls.

DR. FRANK: Okay, everybody,

why don't we just let Bill
have his privacy?

Dr. Frank?

Right. Sorry.

[♪]