NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Breakup - full transcript

CATHERINE:
Air force officials

said documents
were accidentally destroyed,

but a full inquiry is ongoing.
Bill?

Thanks, Catherine.

9:35 on a Wednesday morning,

the 15th of November,

which is--
unless I'm mistaken--

A notoriously busy day
on the expressways.

That's right?

Our own Catherine Duke's
birthday.

Happy birthday, Cathy.



Thank you, Bill.

And speaking
of traffic--

Not so fast, Cathy.

From all of us here
at the station,

and everyone listening
out there,

I'd just like to say...

best wishes.

Thank you.

Here's to 36 more
wonderful years!

Major Deegan Expressway
backed up--

The big 3-6. Wow.

Major Deegan Expressway
backed up

due to an overturned
big rig

just outside
the Riverside Toll Plaza.



Also, steer clear of
the West Side Highway.

This is Catherine Duke,
WNYX Newsradio.

Ahem... Catherine--

No.

If you ever
broadcast my age over the air again,

I will beat you to death
with your own microphone.

You may be 36,

but you still have
all the spark and sass

of a 35-year-old.

Catherine, can I--

Matthew, I'm in the middle
of something here.

Now, how would you feel if
everyone knew how old you are?

Hmm...

I can't say
it would bother me.

Then how old are you?

I don't see how that's
relevant to this conversation.

When's your birthday?

That's getting
a little personal, isn't it?

Okay, Catherine--

What, Matthew?

What is it?

Oh, I'm sorry.
If--if you're...

No, I'm sorry.

What is it
that you want, sweetie?

Here's something
that might cheer you up.

First of all...

and secondly...

Ahem...

Hap--

Good morning, Dave.

Oh, hey, Catherine,
how are you doing?

Fine. And you?

What, uh,
what can I do for you?

I was wondering
if you could tell me

when Bill's birthday is.

Yeah,
I should be able to do that.

Why do you need to know?

Oh, no special reason.

It's just that he's always

so super sweet to me
on my birthday,

and I want to do something

super-duper sweet
for him on his.

Oh... that's nice.

Let's see...

I got his W-2 here,

but, uh,
the date of birth is blank.

Check his I-9.

No. Blank too.

Hey, Catherine, happy--

Happy New Year.

Just wanted to get that
out of the way early.

Here, Dave,
Lisa wanted me to give you this.

Okay. Just a sec--

Oh, Lisa...

Lis-- Lisa?

Lisa, I--

[SLAMS DOOR]

Did you and Lisa
have a fight?

We had a little bit
of a disagreement last night.

You mean a fight.

Okay, we had a fight.

Well, what happened?

We had a fight.

Get to the good part, Dave.

All right,
it got a little bit heated,

and something
popped out of my mouth.

You threw up on her?

No. I accidentally
called her a name.

Which one?

It doesn't really
matter, does it? But I regret it.

Which one?

The one that starts with "B".

Not the...

Yes, the "B" word.

Dave, you do not seem
like the kind of guy

who would use
the "B" word.

I'm not.

We are talking
about "bitch," right?

Yeah, "bitch."

I'm sure
she'll get over it,

unless she decides
to be a total--

No, she's not going
to get over it.

She asked for her
apartment keys back.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting?

Oh, no. No, no.

Just doing some work.

Um, I just wanted to ask--

What?

Are you and Lisa
mad at each other?

No.

Because this morning,

when you and me and Lisa
were riding up in the elevator,

there was this--
this icy silence.

I don't remember that.

Don't you? It was horrible.
It was like...

Like that.

I'm thinking that...

maybe Lisa likes you.

Hmm?

Maybe you
like Lisa too.

So there's
all this sexual tension--

Get real, Matthew.
They just work together.

I know. That's why
there's the tension--

because it's taboo.

Think about it... Taboo.

Okay. Later on today...

Tell Matthew...

Tell Matthew that
I'm a bit down because...

my taxes
are being audited.

And say Lisa's down--

just make something
up for Lisa, okay?

Okay, Dave, I will
tell the lies,

but I will not make them up.

Okay. Try PMS.

All right, fine,

but that'll be the fifth time
I've used it this month.

What?
The keys to Lisa's apartment.

Oh, right.

What's in your hand?

What hand?

Your left hand.
What are you hiding?

Wow. Secret keys.

Okay, later in the day,
tell Bill

that I was giving you
the keys because...

I don't know.

All right.
I can't do this anymore.

Because... I'm watering
the plants in your apartment.

Jeez, I'm starting to feel
like I work for Keyser Soze.

Who?

Here are your keys,
by the way.

What was that?

What was what?

Beth gave you something,

then you tried to hide it
from me. What was it?

A girl thing.

Okay.

So...

How you doing
today, bitch?

He told you?

Well, I had to drag it
out of him, but yes.

It's not funny.

What happened?

We went to
the movies last night,

and Dave bumped into Joe
in the bathroom.

Since Dave couldn't
tell Joe that he was there with me,

he watched the rest
of the movie with Joe,

then went to a bar
with him afterwards.

I had no idea
where he was,

then he finally
called me at 2:00 in the morning.

Did it ever occur to you
that would be a lot easier if you and Dave would just--

Tell the staff
we're dating. I know.

But that's not
going to be possible--

At this point in time.

I would appreciate it
if you would just give Dave back

the stuff he left
in my apartment.

What was that?

What was what?

A white sock
in a plastic bag. Oh.

Okay.

Listen, if Bill asks later,
just tell him-- tell him--

Hey, Dave.

Lisa, can we talk a second?

Come on, Lisa, please.

Dave, you know, I think
she's well on her way to getting over this one.

You really think so?

Look, she packed you
a lunch.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Ahh.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Mr. James.

Something
troubling you?

Yeah.

Work related?
No.

Girl?
Yeah.

Lisa?
Yes.

Between you and me?
Yeah.

Yes.

Problem?
Big fight.

Issue?
Temper.

Hers?
Mine.

Hit her?
No.

Throw something?
No.

Call her a name?
Yes.

What?
"B" word.

Bitch?
Yes.

Oh, now you're talking.

You know what
you need to do...

Apologize?

No. That's not going to
make her feel any better.

What she needs is
to see you suffer.

Well, how do I
arrange that?

Lisa will think
of something. She always does.

Besides, she'll probably

just tell all her friends
what you did,

and you will feel
very, very ashamed.

Yeah, except none of
our friends even know we're dating,

so she can't
really tell anyone.

Oh. Then you're screwed.

She give you
this sock back?

Yeah.

Ohh-ho-ho.

Listen, we should at least
sing "Happy Birthday" to her.

No.

Come on, you guys.
What do you think? Lisa?

I don't care.

Dave?
Ditto.

What's the creepy vibes
from you two?

Did you guys get drunk
and make out

at the Christmas party
or something?

No.
No.

Um, actually, I think
what's happening is

that Lisa's down
about her tax audit,

and Dave's mom's sick,

which-- but their two bad moods
are completely unrelated.

Wait, you told me

Dave was getting
audited,

and you had
female disorders.

No, I-- I'm sorry.
Lisa's fine menstrually.

I just get...

I got mixed up.
I don't know what I was saying.

Sorry about
your mom, man.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

What's she have?
Hmm?

What's the matter
with her?

Beth, what's wrong
with my mom?

MATTHEW: You don't
even remember?

No. It has a very
technical name--

She has a cold.

And, uh, what was
your problem again?

Mm, tax audit.

Which is really bad
because she cheated--

I don't cheat
on my taxes.

You know what?

I don't want
to do this anymore.

You guys figure it out
yourselves.

I'm really sorry, you guys.
I just can't take it anymore.

I'm starting to hate myself.

Hate yourself
for what?

For lying to my closest friends
on a daily basis.

I mean, I know it's
for a good cause and everything, but--

So I'm standing there,
and the usher goes,

"Do you have the ticket?"

And I did have ticket, right?

But I couldn't tell him
I had the ticket,

so I'm just
standing there, right,

with this date from hell,
with these tickets,

not knowing
exactly what to say--

Oh, my God,
I can't take the pressure!

Oh, God, Beth.
Beth, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Beth,

Look, you know,
this isn't easy on us either.

Exactly. Which is why
you should just tell the staff you're dating.

Beth, we will
tell everyone.

Yes, eventually.

When the time's right.

La-la-la-la-la.

Let me tell you something,
the time better get right real soon,

because I'm going to crack,

and I'm going to blurt
your little secret out to the whole staff.

Oh, no, you won't.

Oh, yes, I did.

No, You mean, "Yes, I will."

Yeah, first person singular.
Future tense.

I mean, "Yes, I did."
Past tense. Last week.

They're just pretending
not to know.

Third person plural.
Period. Class dismissed.

Bill...

Honey, I'm sorry
I got angry at you

about announcing
my birthday.

That's okay.

You're a Scorpio.

I've become accustomed
to your sting.

Well, I'm really sorry.

No hard feelings?

None at all.

Oh, and by the way,

if the reason
you just picked my pocket

was to get my birth date
off my driver's license...

I don't keep it
in my wallet.

Where is it?

It's somewhere safe, my dear.

Somewhere safe.

Everyone...
Uh, everybody...

Could you come here
a second?

What up?

TOGETHER: Um...

Well, uh...

Dave and I would just like
to apologize to you...

For lying...

About our affair here.

Our romance.

Our re...lationship.

Wh... what relationship?

Wait a minute,
you guys are doing it?

Beth, can we see you
in my office for a minute?

LISA: Now!

Oh, my,
this is delicious.

Hey, what's up,
you guys?

[SIGHS]

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

But I really do think
it's going to be better

for both of you.

Beth, you lied to us.

I know, and I couldn't
have pulled it off as well as I did

if I hadn't had
so much good practice from you,

and I want
to thank you for that.

You know,
I actually feel better.

I do, I do.

Now, you know,
every time I walk in here,

people are going to think
that we're making out.

That's because
you usually are.

Except now you don't
have to hide it, right?

No more sneaking around,
no more lying.

Don't you feel good?

Hmm?

Yeah, come on.
Let's go for lunch.

Okay, go ahead.
I'll meet you down there in 10 minutes.

No, no, no.
Come on, let's go together.

We can do that now.

No, I know, I know.

It might feel strange,
even dirty, right,

but just give it
a whirl.

Oh, this is
so excruciating.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I know. I know.

Dave, maybe you hold
Lisa's hand, right,

because now you're
allowed to do that.

Ah...

That looks
really queer.

Okay....

let's just go
one day at a time on that.

Hey, where are
you two off to?

I'm going to lunch.
Me too.

Yes, Dave and I are
going to lunch together.

Okay? All right?

Okay, okay, big whoop.

[CATCALLS AND CHEERING]

What was that?

It was nothing,
It was just a sign.

What'd it say?

"If this office is rockin',
don't come a-knockin'."

Oh.

Hi, Mr. James.

Hey, kids. The office
wasn't a-rockin',

so I let myself in.

Have a seat.

So, so, so, so.

It's all out
in the open, huh?

Yes, sir.

Good. Which one of you's
going to quit first?

Well, sir, with
all due respect,

you can't really ask
either of us to quit

just because
we're dating.

Of course not,
and I'd hate to lose either one of you.

But if you think
keeping a secret was hard,

wait till you feel the pressure

of the entire staff
scrutinizing your every move.

I give it
about three months.

Mr. James,
I really don't think

the staff cares
as much about this

as you think they do.

Maybe not.

Make that two months.

So all we're asking for
is a little respect, okay?

Yeah, we're just asking
you guys as friends

to please give us
some privacy.

Yeah. Because this is
very hard for us.

I think we hear
what you're saying.

You'd like us
to leave the room

so you can do it
right now?

Aw, come on, you guys.

Now, let's
take it seriously,

because Dave and Lisa
have been honest,

and I think
we should respect that.

Thank you, Beth.

I mean, this is a really,
really rocky time

in their relationship.

Thank you, Beth.

Why is it so rocky?

Well, they had a terrible
argument last night.

About what?

Lisa got--

Beth, I really think
that this is something

we'd rather keep between
the two of us.

Oh, actually, Dave,

I think that this

should be dealt with
openly and honestly.

Beth?

Good point.

As I was saying,

Dave called
Lisa a name.

What name?

Well, what name
really isn't important.

I mean, the relevant issue here
is that it's hard enough for us

without being under
your constant scrutiny,

so if you could just
help us out a little, we'd appreciate it.

What name?

Dave...

Mm-hmm.

I think Bill deserves

an honest answer
to his question.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, all right, look.

All that happened was
we had a fight.

Things got a little heated,
and I called her a bitch.

I just--

I called her a bitch.
I mean...

[WHISTLES]

Sorry. I was just joking.

I didn't know things
were going so bad between you two.

If you need to talk,
I'm here.

Look, here's the number
of a therapist.

He specializes
in rage management.

I got this from a friend,
but I hear he's very good.

My friend told me.

You know, I really like
this new honesty policy.

Mm-hmm. Me too.

I'm thinking of a word
right now.

Can either of you
guess what it is?

Does it start
with a "B"?

No. I think we're a little
beyond that at this point.

Okay, everybody, listen up.
When Catherine comes out of the booth,

I want everybody
to yell "Surprise."

Can I ask you
a question? Yeah.

Why are you
so obsessed with her birthday?

Because last week
it was my birthday.

Nobody remembered,
and it really hurt.

Okay, this is going to be fun.
Here comes Catherine.

Surprise!
Go to hell.

Okay, but first,
don't you want to open your present?

No.

Catherine, you're going
to want to. Come on.

Please, open it.

Open it, open it,
open it,

Open it, open it,
ope--

Seriously, though,
open it.

I put a lot
of work into this.

Look, you just
have to--

Fine. Fine, fine.

I love this trick.

Where is it? Hah-hah.

She thought it was
something big,

but it's really...

Oh, my God.

How did you...

What is it?
What is it?

It's a copy of Bill McNeal's
birth certificate.

Even his mom wouldn't give me
his birth date or place,

but I found out what hospital
he was born at,

and then the rest
was easy.

Oh, thank you, Matthew.
Thank you, thank you.

You're welcome.

This is going to come in
very handy on a...

"June 19th."

And if you'll see,

Bill's actually
the middle name.

His first name is...

See it right there?

Oh, my God!

Everybody,
drinks are on me tonight!

Drinks on you?
Excellent.

Where are we going?

[SINISTER LAUGH]

Oh, this is so weird.

What's weird, Matthew?

Well, seeing you two
together like this,

like a couple.

Just keep wondering...

Did you guys ever do it
on my desk?

Very funny, Matthew.

Thanks.

But, seriously, did you?

No, Matthew, we never
did it on your desk.

LISA: Okay, does anybody else
have any questions

about our dirty
little affair?

because now
would be the time.

We could just get it
all out. Go ahead.

Well, I don't know
about anybody else,

but I don't really care
what you guys do.

We do have
our own lives.

Today, we just needed
a chance to, you know...

Shake out the sillies.

Please don't finish
my sentences for me.

You know, it is getting
kind of late.

Yeah. I'm kind
of tired too.

Yes, we are leaving...

Mm-hmm.

Dave and I, together.

We're going back to my--

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
whatever.

Anyone see the Cowboys/Bears
game last night?

Oh, I missed the fourth
quarter. What happened?

Oh, you missed that
interception in the first half?

Oh, it was
unbelievable.

Okay, they're gone.

Why'd he call her that?

Maybe she called him
a name first.

Even if she did,
there are certain lines you just don't cross.

It's just a word.
Words can't hurt.

What if I called
you a name?

Go ahead. Who cares?

Okay, Evelyn.

First of all,
it's pronounced "Eve-lyn."

[♪]