NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 3 - Rat Funeral - full transcript

I'm gonna get out
of your way now.

I'm gonna have to come back
and spray for roaches.

Is that necessary?
I don't think we have roaches.

Maybe not yet.

But I just finished spraying
upstairs on 15 and 16.

They'll be on their way
pretty soon.

Should we be wearing any sort
of protective headgear?

Very funny.

Oh, I also had to reset
all your rat traps.

Somebody around here
has been tripping them off.

Who would want
to do a thing like that?



Rat lovers.
Come again?

Rat lovers.

They look
like you and me,

they could be your
next-door neighbor,

but inside there's
something weird.

Tell me, these, uh...

these rat lovers
of which you speak,

do they walk
amongst us daily?

Just because I work
with my hands

doesn't mean I don't
understand sarcasm.

I'm sorry.
I was just joking.

That's okay.
I'm cool with you.

And I with you.

[SNAP]



[SNAP]

[SNAP]

Ow.

Something wrong,
Matthew?

Oh.

No. Everything's
hunky-dory.

I thought I heard
you say, "Ow."

Ow?
Ow.

Oh. Yeah, I was just practicing
my cockney accent.

You know,
"'Ow you doin', guv?"

Doing fine.
Thanks for asking.

All right.

[SNAP]

'Ow ya doin',
guvnor...

[♪]

Could I have everyone's
attention, please?

I have to make
an announcement.

It has come to my attention
that some of you

may have been deliberately
setting off the rat traps.

Now, I don't know,
nor do I care to know

why you'd do such a thing,
but please cut it out.

Uh, yeah, Dave.

We actually had a staff
meeting about this,

and we don't want
rat traps in the office.

You'd rather
catch them by hand?

Well, that's
just silly.

Um, excuse me,
could I just interject here?

Please do.

Dave, there's
only one rat.

Yeah. And he's
really, really nice.

What are you
talking about?

His name is Mike.

He's all white except one,
like, black racing stripe

down the side
of his body.

And he's missing
most of his tail.

He's really cute.

But he is a rat, right?

Doesn't anyone
find that disgusting?

Oh, he's cute, Dave.

Just pokes his little head out
when it's quiet.

Sometimes we feed him
potato chips.

Yeah.

BOTH:
And Fig Newtons.

And little beans,
dried beans.

Uh-huh. Yeah.
He loves those things.

Oh, gosh.
Does anybody here remember

a little thing
called the Black Plague?

That wasn't really
as big a deal

as people have
made it out to be.

No?

I'm sorry, but you're gonna have
to let the traps do their job.

Dave,
you can't do that.

Say, Dave,

maybe after work

you'd like to go by the zoo
and shoot goats.

You wanted to see me?

Uh, yes, Bill.

Look...

is there something
I'm missing

about this whole
rat thing?

You have to understand.

You've got a group of people
here who work 16 hours a day.

They're far
from their families.

The women are childless,

and the men are,
to put it delicately, lonely.

I understand that
everyone works very hard--

It's not just that.

Every day we deal
with crime and murder.

You're not
in Wisconsin, Dave.

The big story
isn't about a cow

wandering into
the town square.

Bill, you know,
I worked in Milwaukee.

It's a city with a population
of a million people.

So there must have been
quite a hubbub

when that cow got loose, huh?

Bill, can we forget
about the cow for a second?

Mike is many things
to many people.

To you, he's just a rat,

but to the good people
of this office,

he's a member
of the family.

I'm sorry,
but not my family.

Exactly.

Maybe you're not ready

to be a member
of our family.

I can't imagine that
being a high priority

to a man
without a heart.

I've got plenty
of heart.

Said the Tin Man
to the Wizard.

But you probably hated
that movie, didn't you?

No, actually, I quite
enjoyed that movie.

By the way, I checked the box
on my driver's license.

If anything should
ever happen to me,

it's all yours.

Great.
Everyone's here.

I've, uh... I've given it
a lot of consideration,

and I've taken into account
your feelings for the rat.

And I've decided
to take up the rat traps.

Yay!
Yay!

Now, I've already talked
to the super,

so he should be here
after lunch--

[SNAP]

Well, I wish I could say
it's the thought that counts.

Lisa, would you mind
helping me--?

Are you sure
it's Mike?

JOE:
That's Mike, all right.

Missing most
of his tail,

white with
a racing stripe.

Now he's got
this really weird,

surprised look
on his face.

Thanks for
waiting for me.

I'm glad I didn't miss
your big announcement.

I guess it's back to business
as usual for you.

Look, Bill, I feel bad,
all right? I feel terrible.

Oh, come now.

You feel nothing.

For you, this was like
stepping on a bug,

only this bug had a name
and a personality

and was a rat
rather than a bug.

What do you expect
me to do?

I mean,
what can I do?

Also, you didn't
step on it.

It died in a trap.

By the way,
no offense,

but your office
smells terrible.

I know.
I have a dead rat

rotting in a box
on my desk.

Oh. What are you planning
on doing with it?

I guess I'll just throw it
in a dumpster on the way home.

You cold bastard.

Oh, come on, Bill.

I think I probably feel
worse about this than anyone.

I'll take this.

This is
so stupid.

Well, no one's
forcing you to be here, Joe.

Maybe can we just
try to speed it up?

I have to finish
that Newt Gingrich piece.

Oh, yeah.
How did that go, by the way?

People, if we could have
a little respect?

Beth, the box, please?

Hey, what are
you guys doing?

Taking 30 seconds
away from work

to do deal
with our grief.

You can dock our pay
if you see fit.

No...

I'd actually
like to join you,

if that's all right
with everyone.

Whatever.

Does anyone have anything
they would like to say

before we do this?

Dave, nothing?

Uh...

I guess we're all here

to say goodbye
to Mike the rat...

who, uh, who we'll
all miss, I, I imagine,

and, uh...

and I didn't have much time
to think of anything.

Come on.

Bill, could you
say a few words?

You're putting me
on the spot.

LISA: Just a few words.
Okay. Mike was a rat.

This cannot be denied.

But the flame of life
which burns inside all of us

glows no less brightly
when it is the flicker

of one tiny candle.

None can deny
that his departure

has left this world
just a tiny bit darker.

CATHERINE:
Yes!

And a tiny bit
colder.

That's all I have.

MATTHEW:
Amen.

Amen.
Amen.

Okay, I guess it's time,

because we do have
to get back to work.

Dave, could you help us
with the incinerator chute?

Oh, sure.
Sure.

Do you want
to do it, Dave?

Oh, uh... sure.

Okay.

[THUDDING]

[THUDDING]

[THUDDING]

You okay, Joe?

Yeah, yeah. I...

I always wondered
who was on this floor.

Dave?

I'm here, Joe.

The last guy that
touched me like that

got thrown through
a plate glass window.

All right, thank you.

I'll try to contact him
at his office.

BETH:
It's Mike!

You guys, I saw Mike!
He's alive!

Come on! He's alive!
Oh, my God.

LISA:
Where is he?

He came--
He was right--

[SNAP]

There.

Friendship.
What is it?

For our kind,

it's camaraderie
and conversation.

But for those
poor creatures

eking out a hardscrabble
existence every day,

it's something else
entirely.

A shared piece
of cheese perhaps,

or a tasty bean.

So as we bid
farewell to Mike,

or Mike's friend,
we'll never know for sure,

we must remember
that we--

Um, someone had
an overnight pickup?

Hey, buddy,

we're in the middle
of something, okay?

Yeah, if you could just
give us a moment. Thanks.

All right, I guess...

Dave, wait.

Bye.

[THUDDING]

[THUDDING]

What was that?

That was a rat that died.

He was, like,
an office mascot.

[LAUGHS]

Ahem. Anyway, uh, I need your
account number here and here.

Fine.

[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS]

Sir, I'm sorry.

Could you turn it down
a little bit?

Thank you.

Drinks are on me
tonight, guys.

Thanks.
Thank you, Dave.

That's
all right.

Ahem.

When was
the last time

we all got together and hung out
like this after work?

We do it all the time.

Oh, really?

I didn't
know that.

Well, we..
we always invite you.

Oh, yeah.
I guess, uh,

usually after work,

I have, uh,
more work.

Why is Mike's death
affecting us so much?

I don't know
about you guys,

but I keep thinking
about the dog I had

when I was little.

I know.
Mine was a cat, though.

What was the name
of your dog?

Woofy.

Mine was Jack.

Scrappy.
Louie.

Mr. T. J. McWhiskers.

Spot.

No-- Sparky.

Spot.

So what kind of a dog
was, um, was Woofy?

Black Lab.

Jack?
Beagle.

German shepherd.

Part Doberman,

part rottweiler,

part pit bull.

Cat...

Siamese.

I don't recall.

So, how did, um...
Woofy.

Yeah, die?
Hit by a car.

Oh...

Jack?
Liver cancer.

Hip dysplasia.

Bit a guy.
Got put to sleep.

Feline leukemia.

Ran away.

I had a cat, you know...

named-- named Dusty.

He was a wonderful animal.

Just an...
an amazing animal.

Mm. What was so amazing
about it?

Well, he could...

just be amazing.

Just like that,
he'd be amazing.

Oh, come on, David,
tell us.

Open up a little.

You don't want
to hear it.

Hello in there!

You can come out
of your shell.

You're among friends.

Okay, Dusty could catch rats
like nobody's business.

ALL:
No!

I told you
you didn't want to hear it.

Well, he can't
help that, right?

Dave,
how did Dusty die?

He didn't. He's still alive,
16 years old,

playful as a kitten.

Oh, man!

My grandmother died
a few years ago.

Does that get me
anything at all?

Huh?

You wanted
to see me?

Yeah.
Thanks, Bill.

Uh...
have a seat.

I just wanted to thank you
for your advice.

Oh, you took up smoking?

No, I meant about
spending more non-work time

with our family.

Did you read that

in some kind of "How to
Manipulate Employees" manual?

No, Bill, I didn't.

Look, uh...

let me ask you
something.

Where did everybody
get the impression

that I'm cold
and unemotional?

Let me ask you this,
Dave...

when was the last time
you cried?

Really, really cried?

Uh...
let me think.

Um...

Hey, you know, when Cal Ripken
broke the record,

I got a lump
in my throat.

You got a lump
in your throat?

I got choked up.

I suppose I got a lump
in my throat too,

before I started
crying so hard,

I had to run to that bathroom
and lock myself in a stall.

Yeah, okay, Bill.

Then when
I got out,

the ovation
was still going.

That set me off again.

Go ahead. Laugh.
It's your nature.

Are you done, Bill?

Why? Do you have to recharge
your robot power pack?

Okay, well, thanks
for the advice anyway.

Not bad.

Your simulation of anger
is fairly convincing.

Hey, Bill,
what's the word?

Thunderbird, sir.

There you go.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Mr. James.

So did you figure out
the rat problem?

Uh, yes, I did, sir.

Um...

how can I explain
this? Um...

Mike was many things
to many people.

But to the people
of this office he was...

he was a way of escaping

the horrors they report on
every day.

Uh-huh.

Mike,
to these people

was a means
of maintaining their...

humanity,

their emotional dignity.

Who's Mike?

The rat.

Oh! Right.

So, what you're
saying is that...

I've got to be more
sensitive to my employees.

They are
human beings.

Oh, I see.

You're pretending

that you really care
about these people.

No.

I really do care--

No. No.

Don't leave a trail.

I got you.

Hey, Dave, what's this?

Oh, I...

Matthew,
that's a glue trap.

I put them down in case
there are any more rats.

Well,
we're not gonna need these,

because Mike
and Mike's friend

are no longer with us,

and there aren't any rats
in the office.

How can you be
so sure?

I just know.

Yeah, but... how?

Mike would have
introduced me to them.

I'm sure he would.

Dave,
one more thing.

What is it?

How am I gonna
get this thing off?

Dave, can you
come here quick?

There is a rat

stuck on one of those glue trap
thingies in the kitchenette.

I've got an idea. Why doesn't
everyone go back to work

and stay away from
the kitchenette for a while?

And leave it to die?
That is so cruel.

Somebody has to put it
out of its misery.

Dave, you have
a heart of stone.

Why don't you do
the honors.

Hey, gang!
What's up?

We got a rat stuck
in one of these.

Oh, for God's sakes!

It's a rodent,
people.

A dirty,
filthy rodent

that only lives
to eat your food

and leave turds

in whatever
it doesn't finish.

Now, get out of the way.

Do I got to do
everything myself?

Poor little guy.

He's got, uh...

one paw free, you know.

He's trying to pull
the other ones out.

It's just horrible.

[THUD]

How did you do it?

You don't want
to know.

I've got to know.

Did it quickly
and humanely.

I've got to know.

I'm sorry.
I've got to know.

I covered him
with a rag...

and I crushed his skull
with a dictionary.

Dude!

Oh, man!

I didn't see any of you
running out for chloroform.

Man...

Once the shock
wears off,

they'll be grateful.

Every family
needs someone

to do the dirty work.

You think so?
Yes.

Think of this
as an initiation of sorts.

But try not
to make a habit

of killing small animals
just to impress us.

Dave?
What is it, Matthew?

Uh, Dave--
What, Matthew?

If you could--
What? What?

There's another rat
stuck in one of those traps.

[GROANS]

Dave...
Uh-huh.

When you're finished
over there, if you could--

There's two over here

and one over there
by the copier.

DAVE: Uh...

[SPEECH INAUDIBLE]

Make that two
by the copier, Dave.

Oh, my God!

Today we are gathered

not to mourn
but to celebrate.

To celebrate that our lives
are more rich with rats

than we even knew.
Blabbity-blah-blah--

Dump them, Dave.

Wait. I'd like to say
a few words.

Actually, I'd really like
to get out of here.

We all kind of do.
Yeah.

I just wanted to say
that although Mike...

turned out
to be several,

if not dozens
of rats,

we loved him enough
for dozens of rats,

and that's
all that counts.

There.

Okay.
Does anybody else

have anything
they want to say?

Yeah. Yeah.

I think in July

I ate a pizza crust
off the floor.

Um,
am I gonna die?

I doubt it,
Matthew.

Because I think
back in August,

I ate a doughnut
that I found

under the conference
table.

Am I gonna die?

If you'd like to type up
a list of these incidents,

I'll evaluate them
on a case-by-case basis.

Dave, I'm serious.
Am I gonna die?

Yes, I think
you probably will.

But I'm sure that day
is a long way off.

And when
you do die,

we will all say
nice things about you.

Then we'll all
help Dave load you

into
the incinerator chute.

Okay. If Pastor Dave's
finished his sermon,

I'd like to invite everybody
who can to dinner.

That includes appetizers,
the whole schmear.

Come on.

That's
great!

Okay, Dave, you look upset.
We buy it.

We totally
believe you.

But could you hurry up,
because I'm hungry.

I'll meet you guys
in the lobby.

We'll be in that crappy
Mexican restaurant.

Don't blow us off,
Dave.

I won't. I'm coming.
Just go on.

You okay, chief?

Oh, hey.
Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just, uh,
just thinking.

Thinking about what?

[SIGHS]

Thinking about
my cat Dusty.

Your cat's not dead.

I know, I know, but...

You know, someday
he will be, and...

Oh, I see.

You know,
the poet John Keats

died of tuberculosis
at the age of 29.

Before he died, well aware
his death was nigh,

he penned the line:

"Gather ye rosebuds
while ye may."

[QUIETLY]
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.

Plus,
it's just a cat!

Who cares? You can
buy them anywhere!

This is the last time
I'm telling you.

This is the mail drop.

And this is
the incinerator.

[♪]