NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 2 - Goofy Ball - full transcript

[GUH GUH GUH]

[GUH GUH GUH]

[GUH GUH GUH]

[GUH GUH GUH]

Where the hell is that annoying
sound coming from?

That.

I don't...

Well, what is that?

We don't know.
It was just sitting here.

Who does it belong to?

I don't know.
It's some sort of a toy.



Well, look, I really don't
want it in the office, okay?

Especially if it's a toy.

Somebody get that thing
out of here.

Okay.
Okay, Dave.

Thanks for not
ratting me out, kids.

What is that thing?

Well, it's a Goofy Ball, Joe.
It's a toy for kids.

I bought a company that makes
all sorts of crap like this.

It's really, really cute.

Can I hold it?
Yeah.

Well, hello,
Goofy Ball.

What's it saying?

Guh, guh, guh.

So, can you make it
say other things?



It's a Goofy Ball,
Matthew, not a supercomputer.

Makes me giggle.

Anyway, listen up,
this is how it goes.

It makes this noise
for a while, you know.

Kids throw it around.

Then after a certain amount
of time, a voice alarm goes off.

And who's ever
holding it loses.

Oh.

So it's like
a hot potato.

Exactly, but much more
expensive.

Matthew.

Yes, sir.

Do I look like
the kind of guy

who would enjoy a good game
of Goofy Ball?

No.
No.

Anyway, I wanted you guys to
check it out for me,

see how long it takes you
to get bored with it.

Oh.

[GOOFY BALL ALARM SOUNDS]
Aah!

Matthew, what the hell
are you doing?

I mean, I thought I told you
to get rid of that thing.

Yeah. Don't worry
about it, though.

I'm gonna have
a talk with her.

Hi.

I'm sorry I was late
this morning.

That's okay.

Okay.

Hey, that looks
good on you.

What?

My shirt.

This is one of yours?

Yeah. It's okay, I don't mind.

In fact, I kind of
like seeing you in that.

Do you think
anybody else noticed?

You know, I don't think people
are scrutinizing us

quite as much
as you seem to think.

You know, that's what
the Rosenbergs said.

Now, you have other shirts
in here, right?

Yeah. Uh...

Here you go.

Dave, this is identical
to the one I have on.

No, it isn't.

This one is azure,
and that one is lapis.

Could I have
another shirt, please?

All right, uh...
let's see, I've got...

indigo...

I've got sapphire...

I got sky, and...

standard blue.

Ever see Rainman, Dave?

I'm sorry.
I have to go change.

Okay, but I think
you're being silly.

I'm sorry.

Beth, Matthew.

[♪]

Dave.

Yes, Catherine.

Just two quick things.

Did you get
my friend's resume?

Yes I did, but I haven't had
a chance to look at it.

I'm sorry. What was
the other thing?

Bill thinks someone's
trying to kill him.

Okay, send him in.

Bill, Dave would like
to see you.

So, Bill, I hear someone's
trying to kill you.

I don't expect you
to believe me...

until it's too late.

Where did Bill go?
I thought he was just--

and who are you?

Very funny, Dave.

Okay, who's trying
to kill you, Bill?

There's a guy
in front of the building

every morning
when I come in

and every night
when I'm leaving.

Hold it. Is this the guy
with the eye patch?

He wears it on a different
eye every day. That's the guy.

He's not down there right now.
Uh-huh.

When he knows
I'm in the office,

he goes into the coffee shop
across the street

and waits for me
to get off.

He probably just wants
an autograph.

Right, an autograph...
in blood.

We're on in 30 seconds.

Bill, come on, you can use me
as a human shield.

Wish I could laugh
at that, Catherine.

I really do.

Dave! Come here, man, I gotta
show you something.

Joe, not right now,
I'm kind of busy.

No, no, you gotta
come right now.

No, I'm really--

Trust me.
It'll be worth it.

Ah!

GOOFY BALL:
Goofy ball!

[SHRIEKS]

Beth, I'm getting pretty sick
of hearing you shriek--

Sorry, Dave.
That was me. Sorry.

Joe, if you're
taking me downstairs

to show me the world's
greatest parking spot again...

No, no, no, you don't have
to go anywhere for this.

That's the beauty of it.

Are you guys going up?

My name is Joe.

Sorry, ladies. No, we were just
pushing the button.

Didn't realize it was actually
hooked up to anything.

Look at that.

What did we just see?

Models, man.
Fashion models.

They're doing
a catalog shoot

in the photography
studio upstairs.

Come on, let's go up there.

No. No.

Come on, man,
what are you scared of?

I'm not scared.

Hey,
it's you guys again.

Are there any good places
to eat around here?

We usually
just order in.

Uh...

"We usually
just order in."

Like "My name is Joe"
is any better.

Dave, buddy, I'm doing this
for you, man.

Don't do this.
Come on, how long's it been?

Dude, you've been
in New York for six months.

I haven't seen you
go out on date one.

I've been on dates.
Right.

With who? Quick.
Too late. Nice bluff.

Case closed. Upstairs.
Don't argue. Come on.

Look, Joe, I've got the whole
dating thing well in hand.

But thank you anyway,
all right?

We decided
to eat in too.

Well, I highly
recommend it.

What's your name?

Dave, actually.

ALL:
Bye, Dave.

Bye.

BILL:
The Dow dipped slightly,

finishing 20 points below
yesterday's high

with winners outnumbering
losers 2 to 1.

In Chicago,

commodity prices soared...

"Dave, actually."

Please... don't tell me
you're jealous.

Oh, I am hardly
a jealous person, Dave.

Uh, did you get the chance
to see the changes

to the national update
schedule?

Which one
did you like the best--

the tall one
with the big breasts

or the slightly taller one
with the even bigger breasts?

Okay, look...

this might be hard
for you to believe,

but this isn't a pleasant
situation for me.

It's Joe's goal to,
as he puts it, "Get me some."

Why don't you just tell Joe
that you don't need...

Some?

Well, that would be
a whole lot easier

if I could just tell him
I had a girlfriend.

We've been through this.

I know, but there's...

it's getting ridiculous.

We spend
half of our time

sneaking around here
like, uh...

Like the Rosenbergs.

What's your obsession
with the Rosenbergs?

I don't know.
I was a poli-sci major.

My point is that this isn't
the sort of behavior

one normally associates
with a professional atmosphere

of a news station.

Get it off my head!

Look, you get the gist
of what I'm saying.

Dave, what do you think
people would say

if they found out
I was sleeping with you?

Way to go, Dave?

No, they would not.
They would say,

"Ooh, sleeping
with the boss.

Very ambitious.
Nice career move."

They'd be wrong.

I know that,
and you know that,

but look what people think
about Yoko Ono.

A lot of people happen to think
her work on Double Fantasy

wasn't...
completely disruptive.

Lisa!

Go. Go, go, go.

Bill, Goofy Ball.

Joe.

Check this out.

Whoa! You're Bill McNeal,
aren't you?

Yes, I am. Thanks
for listening. Bye, now.

I understand
you're a man

who can procure
certain materials.

Need a gun?

Of course not.

Why? Can you
get me one?

Of course not.
Why? You want one?

Bill.

Matthew, I'm in the middle of an
important conversation.

I just want
the Goofy Ball back.

The what?

That thing.

Goofy Ball!

[GOOFY BALL ALARM SOUNDS]

Oh, man,
You're good.

Actually, I was thinking
more along the lines

of an electric stun gun.

Legally speaking,
those things--

Hey, hey, I don't need
to know about it.

Ignorance of the law--

Blah blah blah.
How much will it cost me?

3 big boys.

Okay, assuming
a big boy is $100,

I'd like to proceed
with this transaction.

Goofy Ball!

[GOOFY BALL ALARM SOUNDS]

Man, he is good.

Go on.

Excuse me.
Is that guy Dave around?

Dave? Um...

Uh, no, you know,
Dave is not here right now,

but if you'd like,

you could, um,
just, um, leave.

Wait. There he is.

Hi, Dave!
Hi, Dave!

Hi.

I was just, uh...
I was just, uh...

Urinating?

Washing my hands,
actually.

[GIGGLING]

Well, thank you.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

No, problem. I think
he really likes you.

You really think so?

Yeah, maybe we can go on
a double date, you know?

You and Dave and me
and your friend Emily.

I'm starting to feel
a connection with her.

Emily's married.

What about
the other one?

No?

Well done, chief.

Well done what, Joe?

That girl Sheila, man.
She loves you.

She wants to go out
with you tonight, huh.

Who's your buddy?
Who's your pal?

I guess you are, Joe,

but I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to say no.

Come on, man,
she's really into you.

She says she thinks
you're sexy.

That's obviously not true,

so she must really
like you.

Thanks, Joe, but still I don't
think it's a very good idea.

What's the deal,
man? Fear?

No.

Impotence?

No.

Gay?

No.

You do realize
by "gay"

I mean a man who has sex
with other men.

Give it a chance, Dave.

It's not like you're
going to do any better.

Okay, if you guys are done
with your "matchmaking,"

I've got
three stories

that I need to be
approved by you, Dave.

I've got three things to--
I'll get you!

Just give me
one good reason

why you won't just
go to dinner.

You're a dead man!

What if I was to say that
I'm already seeing someone,

and I just don't want
to talk about it?

Are you?
No.

Of course not.

You're going out
with her. Who's with me?

Why not?
Guys?

Yeah.
Go for it.

Lisa.

Oh, yeah. Sure,
Dave, go get them.

Fine, maybe I'll
give her a call sometime.

I'll take care of it.
8:00? Uptown? Excellent.

[JOE DIALING]

Hello. Is Sheila there?
Hey, it's Joe from downstairs.

Here you go, dude.

Stun gun 2000.

I thought you were
going to buy me a stun gun.

Naw, I made it myself,
I saved you a few bucks.

Looks like
a garage door opener.

That's what it used to be,
an old garage door opener,

some diodes and resistors
from a busted mixing board,

one reconditioned
doorbell button,

and one big-ass battery.

Are there instructions?

Yeah, don't push that button

unless you want
to incapacitate someone

for a good half-hour.

Incapacitate?

It sends, 3-400 volts
through their system

at 4 amps.

Instant temporary
paralysis.

I call it
"the stalker shocker."

Yes. I can see you've
written it here in Magic Marker.

So how do I know it works?

You can test it.

Good idea.
Matthew!

No, no, no, I'm kidding.
Trust me, it works.

Joe, this doesn't look
like a stun gun.

Yeah, well, this doesn't look
like a megaphone either,

but check this out.

[AMPLIFIED]
Red Sox suck.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Either of you ladies
ever seen a stun gun before?

That's very
impressive, Bill.

No, I'm actually asking.

Do they usually
look like this?

I don't think that's something
you want to be fiddling with.

I'm not fiddling
with it.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you might
want to check this update

on that bridge
repair story.

Hope you're happy
with this little charade.

Thanks to you, I now have
a dinner date

with Miss Australia 1993.

[MOCK CRYING]
Whoo, whoo, whoo.

I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

I didn't think
it would go that far.

I didn't mean to put you in
an uncomfortable position.

Anything for you,
honey.

What excuse
are you going to give her?

What?

Well, when you,
um... cancel.

I'm not going to.

That would be rude
and insensitive.

What?

Houston,
we have a problem.

You know what?
Okay, I see.

You want to tell
everyone about us?

Let's get it over with.

No.

I mean, I want to,
obviously, yes,

but not because
you're jealous of me

and some tall,
leggy blond.

Dye job.
Check the roots.

I am not jealous.
Oh?

No, I am not.

You, however, are trying
to make me jealous.

I'm not in the mood
for silly games.

Fine. Great. Okay,
see you later.

I'm sorry, Dave.
Did you two want to be alone?

For the last time,
stop fiddling with that.

You're going to hurt
yourself.

I think Joe
ripped me off.

Should I inform
your stalker

that you're now armed with
a $300 garage door opener?

Catherine, do not speak
to that man.

Please, for my sake.
Do you understand?

Whatever, Bill.
Good night.

Seems like
it should be heavier.

[CLICK]

BILL:
Aah!

What was that?

It sounded like somebody
screaming.

That Goofy Ball's
completely disruptive.

Are you actually going
to go out on this stupid date?

I really don't have much
of a choice at this point, do I?

Dave, I want to tell people
about us, I really do.

Okay. When?

When the time's right.

Just in case
my date is curious,

how will we know
when the time's right?

Because we'll know.

How?

Because...

it will feel right.

I'm sure that's what
Julius Rosenberg thought.

What is that
supposed to mean?

I have no idea, but I wasn't
the poli-sci major.

Hi, kids.
How goes it?

Good, sir.

Glad to hear it.

What's new
in the world o' news?

Not much, sir. Kind of
a slow news day today.

As a matter of fact,
I'm just heading out.

Dave and I
are having an affair.

I thought we said we were going
to wait till the time was right.

I guess
it just became right.

Was that really
your decision to make?

You make
the next decision.

Yo, yo.

Let's step in the old
way-back machine,

travel back in time
about 30 seconds.

Hi, kids.
How goes it?

Good.

So, you two
having an affair?

Apparently so,
sir.

I don't quite know
what to say.

Well, we--

Hang on. It's coming.

I think
that's just great.

Wait a minute.

Am I the last one
to know about this?

We haven't told anyone
else yet, but we will.

Before you do that,

tell me, which one of you
am I going to have to fire?

Pardon?

Fire, dismiss.

You're sleeping
with the boss now.

What do you think the staff
will feel about that?

You know what people think
about Yoko Ono.

Yes, I do, sir.

What about you, Dave?

You know what people think
about Paul McCartney.

You mean John Lennon.

No. People liked him.

Back in the service,
we used to have a saying--

you can't expect the troops
to salute you

if you're sleeping
with the sergeant.

What branch of the service
were you in, sir?

All right, Mr. James,

what if we just decided
to keep this a secret?

Let's jump back
in the way-back machine

one more time.

Hi, kids.
How goes it?

So, you two
having an affair?

No.
Good!

You two scoot. I have
to make some phone calls.

I love that free
long-distance.

You own the company,
so, technically, it isn't free.

Don't mess with the man
with a way-back machine.

I could make it
so you were never born.

We'll be outside.

Good day, sunshines.

Good night, Bill.

Good night, Bill.

Bill, seriously,
be careful with that stun gun.

Don't fiddle with it.

[MOANING]

Ahem.

So, Dave, who you going
to send up to New Hampshire

for the primaries?

Oh, I've assigned
that to...

Lisa.

Uh-huh.

Because she really
is the best--

Uh-uh-uh.

It's really not--

Please, please.

Hey, Dave.

Oh, my.

Are you ready to go?

I've been meaning
to call you.

Lisa and I...

What are you girls,
models?

So, Mr. McNeal.

You're a hard man
to get a hold of.

Looks like
it's just you and me now.

[GROANS]

So that's when I discovered

if I wore the eye patch
on this eye,

it would make this eye
stronger and vice versa.

But I digress.
What were we talking about?

[GROANS]

That's right.
That's right.

The note in Vince Foster's
briefcase.

Intentional misdirect,
covert ops written all over it,

courtesy of the B.C.C.I.,
thank you.

[GROANS]

11:30. Can you believe
I've been here

for over three hours?

I almost forgot why I
came here in the first place.

I work at the coffee shop
across the street.

We were wondering if
we could get a picture of you

for above the counter.

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Listen and you remember what
the whole key to that story was,

don't you?

[GRUNTING A REPLY]

"Hillary's mutual fund."
You got it, babe.

Thanks for the glossy.
Stop in anytime.

A cup of joe on me.

Wait, wait, wait.

Bill, you want to play?

Come on, it's more fun
with three people.

[GROANING]

Yeah, that's
the spirit, Bill.

Think fast!

Do over!

[♪]