NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 1 - No, This Is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life - full transcript

That covers everything,

unless anyone else
has anything they'd like to say.

Yes, I do.

Today would've been
Mahatma Gandhi's birthday.

And I think
in honor of the occasion,

we should observe
a moment of silence.

Mahatma who?

Mahatma Gandhi.

A great man.

Bill, shut up.

This is supposed to be
a moment of silence.



Sorry.

Okay, well,
thank you, everybody.

Maybe we'll try this
again next year.

You know, I bet
if we lived in India,

we'd get a three-day
weekend or something.

It might be appropriate
at this time

to also have
a moment of silence

for Mr. Ben Kingsley,

who, as we all know,
played Mahatma Gandhi

in the film
of the same name.

Ben Kingsley's
not dead.

No, but he's a hell
of an actor, isn't he?

I have an announcement
to make.

It's not exactly
radio-related,



but it concerns
the office staff.

Specifically, theft
from the refrigerator in the kitchenette.

Thank you, Joe.

Now, I don't mean
to lecture everybody,

but I've had
some complaints--

About people
stealing other people's

special brand
of chocolate gelato,

which can only be purchased
at Carducci's on Prince Street.

Now, I know you may not
think of it as theft, but it is.

Especially when you've been
doing it every day

for the past two weeks,
whoever you are.

Exactly.

So please stop it.

Because you will
get caught.

Hey, Joe, do you have
anything you'd like to add?

No.

All right, then I think
that's everything. Thanks a lot, everybody.

Thanks, Dave.

That's okay, Joe.

I guess now
all we can do is wait.

Or, you know what I could do,

I could rig
a tiny mercury switch

with a low-grade
incendiary device

that will explode
a blast of gelato on the perpetrator

when they open up
this container.

That container?

You know,
a container like this.

Not this one.

Joe, I'd like
to open your gelato.

Why do you want
to open that?

I just would.
It's a thing.

Go ahead.
It's all right.

Thank you, Joe. Um...

Okay. Okay. Sorry, Joe.
I just-- I just had to check.

No problem.

Oh, my God, how'd you
know it wouldn't blow up in his face?

I built in a time delay.

15 seconds.
What?

14 Seconds, 13...

Grab the garbage can,
dude, come on.

Oh, my God,
this is so cool.

12, 11, 10...

I got this garbage--

10, 9, 8...

What the hell?

Sorry. According
to my calculations,

it shouldn't have
gone off...till now.

Well, it didn't, Joe.

[♪]

Hello, Milos.

Pudding go boom.

Yes, of course.

Greetings, wage apes.

Mr. James, I thought
you were taking a vacation this week.

I'm on it.

Really? Where are you
going to go?

Why travel when
you got the resources of the world's greatest city

right here, right?

Right.

Yeah.

I'm going to go
use the can.

Okay.

Dave...

what do you do when
you're in a relationship

and the sexual heat
starts to fade?

Gosh, I don't know.

Ask my boss about it?

I'm having problems
with Keith.

Keith? Who's Keith?

Keith, duh, my boyfriend
for the past three years, Dave.

What kind of name
is "Keith Duh"?

Hardy-har-har-har.

How come I've never
seen this guy?

He's in England right now.

Oh. How long
has he been away?

Two and a half years.

So this could be called
a long-distance relationship?

Geographically speaking, yes,

but as we know, Dave,

the most important
sexual organ...

is right here.

The hair?

The brain.

Yeah.

You're with me now?

I need some advice.

Do you have
anything at all?

Yeah, well, seems
clear as day to me.

Great. I'm all ears.

Go ask Lisa.

Dave, Dave, want to see a movie
about a talking pig?

No thanks, sir.

Oh.

Talking pig!
Can you imagine that?

I don't know. I guess
if the sexual thrill is fading,

the most important thing
is communication,

so you should just
talk to Keith and be honest with him.

Yeah...

Did you ever take
naked pictures of yourself

for a boyfriend?

Beth, you don't really
want to do that.

I already did it,
my friend.

No, you didn't.

Oh, yes, I did.
Last night.

Pictures of me
totally nude.

No, you didn't.
Oh, yes, I did.

No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.

[BEEPING]

Why?

Oh, come on.

Don't tell me that
you and Dave

have never taken
naked pictures of each other?

No, we haven't.

That's really sad.

Well, Dave and I like to do
this other kinky thing

where we both live
on the same continent.

What?

It's just sad that you missed
that whole phase

of sexual phenomena.

It's no big deal.
It's just sad.

Well, it's not that sad.
It's fine.

Have you ever taken
naked pictures of yourself?

Mom, I'm going to
have to call you back.

Okay, honey.
Bye-bye.

I'm sorry.
You were saying?

Have you ever had a girl

send you naked pictures
of herself?

Sure.

Who?

Elizabeth.

No, no, you know Elizabeth.
I've told you about her.

You know, she was--
she was the Dukakis supporter...

Oh, right.

She learned how to play the bass
so she could start a band.

Yeah.

Do you think that that was

a more sexually adventurous
relationship than we have?

God, no. No.

Lisa, come on.

Come on, we've had sex
in this office so many times,

I'm thinking of having a mirror
put on the ceiling.

Yeah...

But-- I mean, isn't that
just sort of the same thing

over and over and over again?

I mean, maybe we should
try something new.

Okay. I know.

Uh...

I'm going to go
photocopy my ass,

and I'll fax it
to your laptop,

then maybe we can get on
with our lives, what do you say?

You don't have
to be sarcastic, Dave.

I know. I just find it helps
when you're being insane.

Did you fax your ass
to Elizabeth?

No.

We didn't have
the technology then.

Look. I'm sorry.

Look, I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.

How's about this?

I'll come to
your place tonight...

completely naked, of course,

except I'll be wearing one
of them crazy African masks.

Does that do it for you,
huh, superfreak?

Does that get
your mojo rising?

Come on,
I'm just joking.

You ever see
a talking pig?

Mr. James, I don't think
the pigs actually talk.

They do it
with computers.

Oh. A computerized talking pig.

What the hell
are they going to think of next?

Don't know.

Okay. Got the pictures.
You wanna see them?

All right,
now you look at them first.

If they're too embarrassing,
I don't even want to see them.

Well?

Well...

Are they erotic?

Well, that would depend

if you find an 80-year-old man
named Harvey erotic.

See?

"Happy 80th, Harvey."

These aren't my pictures,

which means that my pictures

are still down
at the photo place.

I don't understand.

If you're going to take
naked pictures of yourself,

why didn't you just use
a Polaroid?

You know what?
I'm really not in the mood

to get into, like,
an artistic discussion with you right now. Thanks.

Okay, come on,
we've got to get to the photo store. Come on.

Did Dave ever mention

a girl named Elizabeth
to you?

You mean the bass-playing
Dukakis chick

who gave him nude photos?

Yes.
Never heard of her.

Yo, ladies!
Where we off to?

Tampons.

Hey, Matthew,
where you off to?

Uh, bathroom?

How can I help you?

Hi. I was in here
earlier,

and someone gave me
the wrong film.

I was just wondering

if you could give these
back to the 80-year-old birthday guy?

Harvey.
Yeah. Harvey, I guess, is his name.

I'll take my film
and go. Thanks.

Just a sec.

Okay. That's great.

I think you're safe.

You don't think
he was looking at me funny?

No. Not at all.

I just want
to get out of here.

What is taking so long?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.
Excuse me.

Is there a problem?

What can I do?
Anything?

Could my friend
just have her film, please?

That's not me.
That's my twin sister.

I have a twin sister.

She has red hair
and I have red hair.

You know how they always say

one twin is bad
and one twin is good?

Thanks, bye.
Thanks.

Any time.

I'll be back
in 22 minutes.

E-7.

You sunk my battleship.

Excellent!

Hey, girls,
did you get your...

Never mind.

You Leroy?

Who's asking?

Cut the crap, Leroy.
You were supposed to meet me downstairs.

Now, come on, we got
36 floors to deliver to.

Deliver what?

Deliver water, dufus.
Let's move.

Let's see your hands.

What are you doing?

I covered the gelato container
with an ultraviolet dye

that you can only see
under black light.

Are you calling me a thief?

No. Just saying, for all I know,

you could be the guy
who's been stealing my stuff.

For all I know,

you could be stealing
your own gelato

in some sort of
desperate cry for help.

Ooh, Bill!

Your shirt's psychedelic.

Busted.

No, Joe. Joe, I swear
I did not eat your gelato.

I had to move it
to get to my frozen yogurt.

You rub the container
all over your face?

It felt so cool and tingly.

Am I free
to leave now,

or are you going to you need me
for a lineup?

Look at this.
This is kind of cool.

Look at this. Bill, look.

Mummenschanz.

That's not funny.
Yes, it is.

It's not funny.

Lisa, Lisa, check it out.

Mummenschanz.

Hoo! Hah!

Oh. Okay. Never mind.

Okay, Lisa, look,
I've got Keith on hold, right?

Okay, I'm going
to pick up the phone--

give me, like, three seconds,
and then go, "Beth, I need you."

Okay.

Hi, Keith.

Beth, I need you!

Just a second!

No, I did,
I took the pictures,

but last night, I burned them.

I just didn't really feel
like you wanted me to send the pictures.

Okay, I will.
I'll take some more.

Beth, I need you!

Just a second!

Okay, bye.

You still really, really, really
want to do this?

No.

I don't understand then.
Why are you doing it?

Because Keith
sent me his.

Beth, please.

Can you not
shove those--

Wait a minute.

Hey, come on.
I'm sorry.

I guess I am
a little bit uncomfortable...

talking about sex.

Were you a little bit
uncomfortable talking about sex

with Elizabeth?

All I ever remember
talking about with Elizabeth

was Dukakis, and how hard
it was playing the bass.

It's all right, Dave.
Let's just forget it. It's no big deal.

Let me try. I really
want to try, okay?

Why don't we go out
for dinner tonight, some place really nice,

just us, and we'll
just talk it out?

Okay. Where?

This all-naked
sushi place on 47th street.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.

Let's have dinner.

Polaroids.
Just like you said.

Aren't you afraid
somebody's going to see these?

I've already thought of that,

and I've taken
certain measures

to make sure that
no one knows it's me. Take a look.

What? I know
I have to get back on the Stairmaster.

No. No. Your body's fine.

It's just the, um...

the paper bag
over your head

that's making me giggle.
I'm sorry.

Lisa, you are so immature.

[GASPS]

Why?

I thought
the brown paper bag looked too creepy,

so I drew a little
smiley face on it.

Oh, these aren't sexy.

I can't send these.

Keith is going
to break up with me.

No, he won't.

No, I'm sure that
Keith will--

Hang on, hang on,
hang on.

Bill, could I ask
your opinion about something?

Just a sec.

What are you doing?

He won't know it's me.
I have a brown paper bag with a smiley face on it.

Bill, what do you think
of this photo?

Who is that?

Friend of mine
who's doing a thesis at NYU.

It's a fine arts program.

Uh-huh. Well, it's
an interesting commentary

on the objectification
of the female form,

and the masks that women
are forced to wear

in our society.

If I were the NEA,
I'd give her 5, 6 grand.

Well, Bill,
you think it's sexy?

Well, I don't really think

that's germane
to a discussion of the statement

the artist
is trying to make.

Thank you, Bill.

Beth's showing nudie photos

of herself
with a paper bag over her head.

Check it out.

All right, I found out
who's stealing my gelato,

and I have a photo
of the guilty party caught in the act.

In flagrante gelato,
so to speak?

How did you
get it?

I concealed
a motion-sensitive camera

inside this brick of cheese
on the freezer.

Okay, Joe, who is it?

Boom.

Milos?

That's that janitor guy.

He has a name, Bill.

Right.
Milos the janitor guy.

I'd like to be there
when you fire him, Dave.

Look... I'm not going
to fire him, Joe.

The man's a criminal.

The man is not
a criminal, Joseph.

He's just--
he's less fortunate than all of us.

Haven't you ever read
Les Miserables?

Look, Joe, obviously,
the guy likes gelato,

but can't afford
to buy it himself.

Joe, start bringing in
two gelatos.

Let Milos take his
and eat the other one yourself.

I'm not buying gelato
for a thief.

Okay. Fine.
I'll buy it, okay?

Here's a hundred bucks.

I buy, you fly.

Oh, this is so bogus!

I don't believe this.

This is so cool.
You guys, say "fromage"!

I am so good.

Thanks, Beth.

Oh, Beth, I wanted
to ask you something.

Oh, what was it?

Oh, I remember.

Did you ever send off
those naked pictures?

What? Who told you
about those?

Nobody told me.

I had some film developed,

and they threw in
some nudie pictures of you for free.

I'm kidding, Beth.
Lisa told me.

Well, you know, I faxed
the nudie pictures to Keith,

and he invited me
to come visit him next week.

That's great.

Yeah, so could I have a week off
and a $2,000 salary advance?

No.

I'll show you
the naked pictures.

Okay. We'll talk.

[BUZZING LIPS]

Hey, there, sir.
Vacation over?

Yeah.

Get all that water delivered?

I got... [MUMBLES]

Pardon?

I got fired.

Really? Why?

Well... [MUMBLES]

Pardon?

Fell asleep
in the back of the water truck.

Well, that's what
vacations are for.

Yeah, well, vacations
suck anyway.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Good night, sir.

Hey, sweetie.

Ready to go?

Yeah.

Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Now, did Elizabeth just send you
the photos on her own,

or did you ask her
for them?

I'm just trying to--

She asked me to tell her
my deepest, darkest fantasy,

and I didn't want to,

so I made up something
about photos.

Tell me.

Oh, come on.

Oh, please.

Tell me
your deepest, darkest fantasy.

Maybe it's something
we can do.

It's embarrassing. No.
Oh, Dave, come on.

Please.

Okay, um...

Every since I was 14,

I've always fantasized
about making love on the space shuttle.

Well, that's...

that's adorable, Dave.

With a space prostitute.

All right.
You're joking again.

I wish I were.

Well, do you think
you could give me a fantasy

that's a little bit
more reasonable?

Okay. Let me try this.
Come here.

I'd like to go up
onto the roof of my building,

bring up a blanket
and a very good bottle of wine,

and make love with
a space prostitute.

Dave!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

All right, Dave,
the last thing I want to do is get involved in this,

but why don't you just tell her
what turns you on?

That would ruin it.
Why? Why is that?

Well, what really turns me on
is when Lisa's mad at me.

I wish I didn't know that.
You going to her place right now?

LISA: Dave,
are you coming or not?

Oh, yeah.

How's everything, Milos?

All is good.

You got something
for me?

Yeah.

Mr. Bill, why is it
you don't buy ice cream yourself?

I'm not going to drive
60 blocks out of my way just for ice cream.

It's the principle
of the thing.

I understand.

Thank you, Mr. Bill.

Not a problem.

Oh, by the way, Milos,
starting tomorrow,

there will be
an extra gelato.

Enjoy it
with my compliments.

[♪]