NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 10 - Xmas Story - full transcript

Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!

Look, it's Santa!

Lisa, it's Santa!

Happy holidays,
young lady.

Oh, thank you, Santa.

Beth, a whole
dollar. Wow.

Well, actually, I just wanted to
get 4 quarters to do my laundry.

Thanks so much.

Oh, ho! Merry Christmas,
good sirs!

Merry Christmas.

And a merry Christmas
to you, Mr. Kringle.



Might I
call you "Kris"?

Ho, ho, ho, ho!
I don't see why not.

Say, can I let you in on
a little Christmas secret?

A Christmas secret.
How very jolly.

You coming,
Bill?

Just a second.

Come closer.

I am going to kill you.

Pardon?

You heard me,
Bill McNeal.

I'm gonna murder you
with my bare hands,

you useless sack
of human garbage.

Oh, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas, my dear!

I hope you're not
gonna bring me



a lump of coal
this year, Santa.

Not if you've been good.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

You're a dead man.

Come on, Bill.

Bill,
come on.

That man just
threatened to kill me.

What man?

That Santa Claus man.

Oh, yeah.
We've had our eye

on that Santa Claus
for a long time now.

I'm serious.

That man threatened me
with physical violence.

He knows my name, and I want him
out of this building now.

Yo, Santa!

You been harassing
the captain here?

Ho, ho, ho!
Happy holidays!

This is a joke,
right?

Who put you
up to this?

It was those goofballs
in ad sales, wasn't it?

No.

I wanna rip off
your arms and legs

and shove them
down your throat!

How's that for
a joke, bastard?

Ho, ho, ho!

Bill, come on, I can't hold
the elevator forever, you know.

Why don't you just send Santa
a letter like the other kids do.

I'll help you pick
these up, Bill.

Bi-- Bill!

Hey, Dave,
merry Christmas.

Careful, Matthew.

Whoa! That was
a close one.

Okay, here,
just take my hand.

No, I'm fine.

[♪]

Okay. It is now my pleasure
to present to you...

our present
to Mr. James.

[GASPS]

Oh, wow!

A framed shirt.

It's not just a shirt.

It is an authentic 1927 New York
Yankees baseball jersey,

autographed by Joe Dugan,
Jimmy's favorite player.

Jumpin' Joe Dugan?
Are you serious?

Way to go, Lisa,
Way to go!

Wait a second.

I chipped in $75
to buy the man

a dirty shirt
in a frame?

What is this,
some kind of pyramid scheme?

No--

Hey, somebody starting
a pyramid scheme?

I'd like to
get in on that.

Mr. James?
Yeah?

On behalf of all
the staff here...

Merry Christmas.

Well, thank you!

Thank you, all,
for this--

this wonderful...

shirt in a frame.

[WHISTLES]

Look a little
closer, sir.

Huh?
Yeah.

Look just--

No, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

This isn't
an autographed

Jumpin' Joe Dugan
jersey, is it?

LISA: Yep.

We thought
you'd like it.

Well, I do!
I'm really touched.

Thank you.
Thank you, all.

You're welcome.

You're welcome,
sir.

You know what,
it kind of makes me wish

I'd gotten
you guys something.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm kidding!
It's in the hallway.

Go on and get it.

Wait, Lisa, how much do I owe
you for Mr. James' present?

Well, just consider it
my Christmas present to you.

Oh, thank you! Wait. Does that
mean I don't get a real present?

Here you go, Lisa.
Beth, there's yours.

All right. Now,
everybody got one?

ALL: Yes.
Is everybody excited?

ALL:
Yes!

All right.
On your mark...

get set...

open those suckers!

Huh? Huh?

Baseball caps?

With...

with our names
on them.

Yeah!

Well, come on, don't
stand there gawking at them.

Put them on. Put them on.
Put them on.

Oh...

Thank you,
sir.

Well, you're welcome

Dave, Matthew, Catherine,
Beth, Joe, Lisa, and Bill.

Now, get back to work, you
naughty little monkeys, you.

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, sir.

Thank you!

Thank you.

What a colossal
rip off!

Come on. These are
terrific gifts.

Yeah, for a
little league team.

With attention
deficit disorder.

I really hate to have
to say this,

but it is the thought
that counts.

Yeah, and these
are the results

of a really cheap,
crappy thought.

Well, I, for one,

intend to wear mine
with pride, so there.

Well, you've bested us
once again... Dan.

Gotcha! Ha, ha!

And this concludes
the only enjoyment

any of us will ever get
out of these stupid hats.

I have a problem. Can we
talk in your office?

Sure.

Thanks.

And for Pete's sake,
take that off.

It makes you look
like a 12-year-old.

I'm sorry. I thought
it was the hat.

You promise
not to laugh?

Yes, I promise.

What about her?

No, Bill, she
won't laugh either.

The Santa Claus in the lobby
wants to kill me.

[BETH LAUGHING]

The Santa Claus wants
to do what, Bill?

Beth, what have I told you
about eavesdropping?

Ha, ha, ha!

Fine. Forget it...

but let's see how you feel
when I end up

with the business end of a candy
cane stuck through my neck!

Okay, how many stalkers has
he had this year? Four? Five?

No, six, actually.

Because remember when he thought
that one stalker was actually

identical twins,
stalking him in shifts?

JOE: I don't believe this!

All right, all right,
the hats suck. Fine.

No. Look,
it's even worse.

He just ironed
this patch

over the names of one
of his other companies.

Hey, mine, too. Look at that,
"Bayshore Sheet Metal."

He didn't even buy
these for us.

No, look, mine says
"Beth" underneath. See?

"Passaic Mini-Storage"?

Oh, wait, "Bethel
Lighting and Electric."

Look, regardless of where
the hats came from,

it is still the thought
that counts.

You know what?

That means a lot,
coming from you...

Rockaway Lumber.

Okay, this sucks.

But you know--
No. This just sucks.

Hey, gang, great,
great present!

Thanks again.

And thank you again.

Yeah. It was a bitch getting
this out of the frame,

but nothing fits better
than a dead man's shirt.

Sir, can I talk to you in my
office for a moment?

Hey, did you see these
authentic sweat stains?

Hey, what up, G?
You down with O.P.P.?

Well, you know me.

Um, sir, I--

Well, first, let me thank you
once again for--

for the hat.

You're-- you're
quite welcome, Dave.

Yeah. Um,
now, sir,

the staff, um,
while grateful,

while very
grateful,

are just a little
disappointed in what they--

Get to the point, Dave.

Everyone hates
the hats.

What do you mean?

It's just that everyone
put a lot of thought

into their present
for you.

And it doesn't seem
like you

put much thought
into their presents.

What are you
talking about?

I put all their names
on them, see?

See, "Dave." That's your name.

Yes, but, sir,
they're leftover hats.

Matthew's says
"Matthew" on it, right.

Yes.

And Joe's says
"Joe" on it.

Yes, sir, I think
everyone comprehends

the internal logic
of the item itself.

It's just that the gesture
seems a little...

impersonal.

Well, I don't know,
I thought these were so cool,

I got one for myself, see?

Oh, well, that's very nice,
Mr. James

but what does it say
underneath the patch?

Huh? I don't know.
Let me see.

Uh, "Jimmy James,
Incorporated."

See, that's not so bad.

Now, but what if you
didn't own the company?

Well, then,
that would suck.

Uh-huh.

Okay, all right.
I see what you mean.

You know what,
I'm gonna make this right.

I'm gonna make it right,
right now.

Well, thanks, sir.

Again, I feel really awkward
about even having to--

mention it.

Okay, you coconuts,
come on. Step lively.

Hey, Lorenzo, Junior,
what's up?

Jimmy James,
my man.

Above average hat,
sir.

Nice hat, sir.

Hey, hey!

Careful now.

I think the Santa Claus
over there

might be packing
a piece, you know.

Hello, future corpse.
Prepare to die!

Merry Christmas!

Okay, so gang, what it is,
I decided to take some time

and get you each
a personal gift.

But we already have
those wonderful hats.

Yeah. Matthew, I remembered
that you once mentioned

you liked old-time
radio comedies.

Oh, you bet I do--

from the golden age
of broadcasting

when they didn't have to do
all that dirty stuff.

Yeah. Well,
I got you

the best old-time
radio comedy of them all:

"Fibber McGee and Molly."

Oh, wow! I can't--

Oh, look at that.
Thanks.

I can't wait to
listen to these.

Well, you're welcome,
Matthew.

And, uh, the rest of you...

I got you each a Miata.

ALL:
What?

Yeah! Beth, that red one's
yours. It matches your hair.

Cathy, the blue one's because
that's your favorite color.

Which one's mine?

Then I sort of
got impatient--

Which one's mine,
mine, mine?

Go pick one out!
Go ahead!

Aah! You really
got us cars!

Yes, I did.

So, Dave, how--
uh, how'd I do?

Well, those are very
thoughtful gifts, sir,

and very generous.

It was very...
very, very--

All right, there's
no need for tears here.

It's just a six-pack
of sports cars.

God bless us,
everyone!

Drive safe.
I got to go.

Merry Christmas,
sir.

Merry Christmas!

Wahoo!

[HONKS HORN]

Bill, please,
enough with the horn, okay.

Wahoo-hoo!

Hey. Hey, Dave,

what'd you get?

Um...

a sports car.

Oh. I got tapes.

And we all got cars!
Wahoo!

[HONKS HORN]

Okay, well,
I gonna head upstairs

and I'll be in the office,

listening to
my old radio tapes

if anybody wants
to come up and join me.

Screw that! Anyone want
to take a ride in my car?

I'll be upstairs.
Listening to my tapes.

Poor guy.

Why do you think Jimmy
didn't give him a car?

I don't know.
He must be crushed.

I felt crushed
just looking at him.

Me too.
Maybe Mr. James--

Do you think these cars
have CD players?

Matthew!

I'm telling you, Joe,
as soon as I get off work,

I'm taking my baby out on the
expressway with the top down.

Oh, yeah!

I have a car!
I have a car!

I don't even own a TV,

but I have a car!

Hey, anyone besides me
a little concerned

that Matthew
didn't get a car?

Yeah, well, maybe
a little bit. Yeah.

JOE: Look at him,
just sitting there

listening to
those dopey tapes.

Don't do it, McGee.

Brave little soldier,

retreating from
the pain of reality

to his own private world
of hollow laughter.

Come on.

Yeah, Catherine,
we all feel badly for him,

but there's no need to make it
sound like The Deer Hunter.

Oh, no. Oh, no...

Oh, yeah!

Dave, ask Mr. James
to buy him a car, too.

No.
Why not?

Look, I'm no
etiquette expert,

but I think when someone
is generous enough

to give you
six sports cars,

it's in bad form to
ask for a seventh.

MATTHEW: Oh, don't open
that closet, McGee.

BILL:
What's going on?

We're trying to figure out
what to do about Matthew.

Oh, well, I was hoping
it would never come to this,

but I think you
should fire him.

No...

we're not talking
about firing him.

He's very upset about
not getting a car.

Oh, no...

Why don't you just ask
Jimmy to give him a car.

In fact, while you're at it,
I sort of wanted a blue one.

[GIGGLES]

So Jimmy could give
my old car to the freak.

[MATTHEW LAUGHING]

Matthew, are you
okay, there?

What? I'm sorry.

Are you all right?
Are you okay?

Yeah. It's just
these tapes are...

There's this one part where
Fibber comes up to a closet,

and he goes to open the closet,
he's about to open the closet

And all the stuff in the closet
comes crashing down.

Oh, is that what
that sound is?

Oh, that's
even funnier!

Matthew...

Matthew?

Matthew?
What?

Are you sure
you're all right?

I'm sorry, am I laughing
too loud?

No.
No.

Matthew, just because
Mr. James didn't give you a car,

doesn't mean he doesn't
care about you.

Oh, I get it.

You guys are jealous.

Oh, Matthew.

You are because you know

that I'm gonna have these tapes
for the rest of my life,

and at the end of the month,
or whatever,

you're gonna have to return your
cars back to the rental agency.

You're it.

Matthew, the cars,
uh, aren't rentals.

What's that?

The cars...

aren't rentals.

What, did Mr. James
go and buy you all cars?

Yes, he did.

Huh.

Huh!

Huh!

Huuh!

Matthew, take it
easy, sweetie.

No, no, let me
get this straight.

You all got cars?

Yeah.

Everybody got a car.
Yes.

And I got some scratchy tapes
of some stupid, old, dead people

telling a lot of jokes about
junk falling out of a closet?

But it is the thought
that counts.

Oh yeah, that's
easy for you to say

when you're driving around
the office

in your brand-new car!

Okay, Matthew,
in the spirit of Christmas,

I would like...

to give you my car.

Don't want it.

Please...

please,
take the car.

Please, Matthew,
take Dave's car.

Take Dave's car.

Take Dave's car.

Good day, sir!

LISA: Oh, Matthew,
come on.

Ha, ha, ha!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Ha, ha!

All right, okay, I'm here.
Now, what's so urgent?

Well, I hardly know
how to put this, because...

Well, you've been
so generous--

Oh, what the hell
they want now?

Hard tops? White walls?
Rumble seats? What?

No, no, no, sir,
don't get me wrong.

The cars
are incredible.

Everyone
loves the cars.

What's the problem?

Matthew.

Oh, all right.
I'll go talk to him.

Matthew?

Matthew?

Matthew.

How you enjoying
those tapes?

Okay, I guess.

If you like
that sort of thing.

Would you rather
have a car?

A car? Why would
I want a car?

Everybody else
got a car except me,

which, I guess,
makes me special.

I'm much happier
with my stack of tapes

of an old-time radio show

that I don't even
really like

because the one
I do like is Jack Benny,

which you would know if you or
anybody else in this office

ever paid any attention
to who I really am.

Matthew, I gave you
Fibber McGee and Molly.

I know.

Thirty-two wonderful hours

of crap falling out
of a closet.

Matthew, I don't think
you understand.

See, I gave you
Fibber McGee and Molly.

I own the rights
to the show.

Now I'm giving them
to you.

Now you own the rights
to the show

and all
the characters in it.

Really?

Yeah. Anyone wants to make
a TV show or movie about them,

they got to go
through you.

What about t-shirts?

Well, yeah, T-shirts,
coffee cups, uh,

greeting cards,
foreign rights, pay-per-view,

they all got to go
through you.

What about commercials?

What were you
thinking about?

Fibber McGee and Pepsi.

All right! Good.

Thank you, Mr. James.

Now, anybody else got a problem
with their Christmas gift?

[METAL CLINKING]

Why are you
doing this to me?

Do I have your complete
attention, Bill McNeal?

Yes.

Good. My name's
Sam Belford.

I'm a communications major

trying to break
into broadcasting.

I know this is kind
of a silly stunt, but uh,

you won't soon
be forgetting

the name Sam Belford,
am I right?

And now I'd like
to present you

with a copy
of my demo tape.

You did all this to get me
to listen to your demo tape?

Yes.

You're gonna go places
in this business, son.

All that for a demo tape!

So, you'll listen to it?

Sure, I will, kid.

You've got real--

Chutzpah?

I'm sorry?
Chutzpah.

I'm not familiar
with that term.

You know
what I mean.

Thank you, Mr. McNeal.
I really appreciate it.

What can I say?

You remind me of a young me.

Thank you.

I almost forgot...

Merry Christmas.

You know, a guy
feels like giving up,

and then he meets
someone like you.

I guess that's what
Christmas is all about.

Amen to that.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas, mister...

Bleford.

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]

Hello, Mr. McNeal.
Sam Belford here.

Remember me?
Prepare to die!

Ha, ha. Good. Got
your attention again, huh?

Because this time,
I'm not joking.

Check your brakes.

Merry Christmas,
dead man!

[TIRES SCREECHING,
HORN HONKING]

[♪]