NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 1, Episode 6 - Luncheon at the Waldorf - full transcript

Beth.

Bill.

What are you doing
for lunch today?

Same thing I'm doing right now,

except with yogurt.

Well, as you may
or may not know,

I'll be going to the annual

broadcaster's
luncheon at the Waldorf.

Whoo-whoo!

Thank you.

Anyway, it'll be a
very posh affair...



Black tie, catered food,
the whole nine yards.

Look, Bill, I can barely
afford two meals a day,

and that's counting the yogurt,

so could you please
not rub it in my face?

You are a sassy one, aren't you?

Seriously, Beth,

I was wondering if you would
like to join me as my guest.

Really?

This isn't one of
those tit-for-tat things

where I'm going to
have to wax your car

or take your senile
aunt to the movies, is it?

No. Your gracious acceptance
would be reward enough.

Really? Okay, Bill.

I would be honored
to go with you.



Then it's a date.

I'll pick you up

after my Dow Jones
update at 12:27.

Cool. Oh, you know what,
Bill, you'd better make it 12:28.

I want to do my nails.

Beth...

Do you have any nail
polish I can borrow?

Top drawer. What's going on?

I'm going to a big, free
lunch at the Waldorf.

Beth, why are you
going on a date with Bill?

It's not a date, Lisa.

I don't think he
meant it like that.

Who didn't mean what like what?

Bill just asked Beth to
go to a luncheon with him.

Uh-huh. Bill's finally
making his move, huh?

What move?

Oh, get off it, Beth.

Bill has been eyeballing
you since the Christmas party.

Remember when you were
wearing that blue dress?

Oh, my God.

I forgot about the blue dress.

What blue dress?

It's that low-cut, sort of...

Mini...

Shows off my bosoms.

That is a great dress.

Thank you very much.

Where did you get that dress?

Loehmann's. Guess how much? $75.

No way. No lie. Yes way.

It's Italian.

Italian-made or
Italian-designed?

Ladies.

Sorry.

Beth, I just don't think that
you should let Bill pressure you

into doing anything

that you do not want to do.

What is this, an
episode of Blossom?

Look, I'm going to the luncheon.

I can take care of myself,

and Bill is basically
just a harmless guy.

Can you guys just pretend
to work when I walk by?

Really? I thought that
was against the law.

Yeah. No. He's here right now.

Yeah, well, I've got to go.

Uh-huh. Okay.

All right. I'll see
you. Bye-bye.

Delightful lady.

Oh, who?

Your mother.

I accidentally hit
your speed-dial.

Thanks, Dave.

What was it you
wanted to see me about?

Um... Sir, I've been
going over these...

Can you make it fast, Dave?

I got to get home,
feed the dogs.

You know, I can't believe it,

I forgot to feed
them this morning.

Well, sir, it's
about the budget.

Budget? Don't I pay someone
else to think about that?

That would be me.

Well, then why am
I thinking about it?

You know, you're not giving me
much bang for my buck here, Dave.

Well, sir, I really
wouldn't really bring it up

unless I thought
it was important.

You know, the station
is $6000 over budget.

Wow. $6000.

Yeah. You see?

Yeah. That takes
me back to a time

when $6000 was a
lot of money to me.

Well, sir, it still is a
lot of money to me,

and I think it's important
we figure out where it's going.

Yeah, it's important,
but I think I'm going to

let you fly solo
on this one, Dave.

You think you can handle it?

I'll give it my best.

Good, because I don't
like to micromanage,

and as I said before...

my dogs are hungry.

All right, sir,
I'll tell you what,

once I figure out
where the money went,

I'll give you a call, and
we can discuss it then.

I'll be waiting by the
phone. I'll see you.

Where are you off to, Jimmy?

Got to feed the dogs.

I hear that.

Ready for the ball, Cinderella?

Beth's not so sure

she wants to go anymore, Bill.

Hi, Lisa. Anyway...

Actually, I'm running
home to change.

I've got a really cool
pantsuit that I got

at the Salvation Army

for guess how much.

Eight bucks. Seven.

And all for a good
cause. Bless your heart.

Hey, I was just thinking...

What about that blue dress?

Uh-huh.

Blue dress? I don't think
I own a blue dress, Bill.

I think he means

the one you wore at
the Christmas party.

Thank you, Matthew.
I remember now.

Fantastic.

Devil with a blue dress on?

More like an angel.

Is he gone yet?

Yeah. Good.

Well, I just think
it's disgusting

the way he's hitting
on her, that's all.

Oh, come on, Lisa,
they're just going to lunch.

Everybody goes to lunch.

You and I go to lunch.

Yeah, at my apartment...

and we don't eat.

True enough, but at
least we're staying trim.

Okay. Let's see.

What's 17% of 4300?

731.

Wow.

27% of 539.

145.5 something.

Man.

Yeah, I'm a big hit at parties.

What are you doing?

Huh? What are you doing?

Oh, I'm trying to figure out

how we went $6000 over budget.

Oh, Dave, don't ask me to
snitch on my co-workers, okay?

Lisa, I never
asked you to snitch,

but a name just popped
into your head, didn't it?

Oh, come on, who is it?

Come on, come on, help me out.

Dave, I can't do this.

Please, Lisa, give me
something, anything.

All right.

Check the phone bill.

What?

Check the phone bill.

Check it for what?

That's all I can give you.

You've got to understand.

But, Lisa, please, help me out.

His initial is "M."

First or last name? First.

Matthew. I'd rather not say.

Thank you.

Dave. Dave!

Matthew, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure. What is it?

Matthew, you make a lot

of long-distance
phone calls, don't you?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Well, I've got to
research things

and do phone interviews.

Oh, yeah.

You know, research things. Why?

Yeah, yeah. No, no, it's just...

Why don't you tell
whoever you're talking to

that you'll call them
back in a little while?

Okay. Your office? Five minutes?

No, no, no. Right
here, right now.

Okay.

Supervisor...

Look, I am not the only one

that abuses office
privileges around here...

I know that.

But I'm not going to
snitch on anyone, okay?

I'm not a snitch. No
one's asking you to snitch.

No one thinks that you
are, Matthew, but who is it?

Catherine, hair salon,
corporate account.

Thank you, Matthew.

So, how fantastic do I look?

Very spiffy, Bill.

Thank you.

In a sleazy sort of way.

Now, Bill, do you
think that Beth

is the best person
for you to be taking

to this little luncheon?

So the claws come out.

Meow!

What are you
talking about, Bill?

I'm sorry, Lisa, I only
had one extra ticket,

but if it'll make
you feel any better,

you were my third choice.

Okay, okay. Why don't
we all just settle down?

It's okay, chief.

Show me a woman who
isn't jealous of another woman,

and I'll show you a man.

All right, Bill.

You want to get into it?

We can get into it.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa,
before you get into it,

which I assume involves
punching Bill in the head,

why don't you
just go over there,

take a moment, count to 2000,

maybe calculate a square root?

44.722.

College girls.

Look, she's just
a little concerned

because you and
Beth... It looks...

I'm not so sure I want
to do this anymore.

Well...

It doesn't get any lower.

Well, then just tell him

you don't want to go.

I already said yes. I can't...

Okay, stop it.
This is silly, right?

It's just a business
luncheon, okay?

Here we are.

A lovely corsage for my lady.

Thank you, Bill, but
I can pin it on myself.

Very well.

Shall we?

Oh, I guess we, um, shall.

After you.

No, after you, Bill.

Uh... so you want
to go for lunch?

No. I'm not in the mood today.

You want to get
something to eat then?

Sure.

Dave, it's 3:00.

So?

So they're still not back yet.

Uh-huh. What's 53 x 46?

Don't change the subject.

2438.

I have every right to
be concerned about this.

All right, Ma.

I guess I'd better go
out on the front porch

and wait with my shotgun.

Catherine, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure, sweetie.

Great. I've noticed a lot
of charges in your name

to an account for Cerise.

Cerise?

Yeah.

No, that doesn't
ring a bell, sorry.

Are you sure?

Look. It's right here.

Oh. Sherizay.

That's the salon
that does my hair.

Oh, um...

okay, maybe this
is a stupid question,

but why is the station

paying $200 a visit

for Shezihersay's...

Sherizay.

Thank you... to do your hair?

Sherizay doesn't do my hair.

Sherizay's assistant
does my hair...

Shavonolooge.

Okay, you're making
these names up, right?

Well, regardless.

If you really need to
have your hair done

by Shavellaloo...

Shavonolooge.

Zzz...

I'm afraid you're just
going to have to pay for it

out of your own pocket.

Oh, please.

Beth.

Dave, can I use
your office for a while?

Yeah, sure.

Are you okay?

I don't want to talk about it.

Beth?

I don't want to talk about it.

Bill, what happened?

Huh?

What happened?

Oh, nothing.

We had a very nice time.

Well, then why did
Beth just walk in here

on the verge of tears?

Maybe it was Rush
Limbaugh's keynote speech.

Women,

they'll cry at
anything, right, fellas?

Don't look at me, man.

Boo, Bill. Boo.

Bill, I want to know
what you did to Beth,

and I want to know right now.

What exactly are
you implying, Lisa?

Well, I am implying...

Okay, stop it, Lisa.

Bill didn't do anything.

Well, then what happened, Beth?

Bill did not make a pass at me,

Bill did not say
anything bad to me.

Bill was a perfect gentleman,
so just leave him alone, okay?

I'm sorry, Lisa. We
were interrupted.

You were saying?

I think we all
misjudged you, Bill.

Yay, Bill. Yay.

Well, Lisa, if you and
the rest of the vultures

are through feasting
on my entrails,

I have a job to do.

Boo, Lisa.

Boo.

Matthew, shut up.

Ooh.

Go away. I don't
want to talk about it.

Come on, Beth.

Don't you at least want
to tell us what happened?

Look, Lisa,

if Beth doesn't
want to talk about it,

we should just
respect that, all right?

All right.

Very funny, Dave.

Come on, Beth.

You can't lie on
my couch forever.

Okay, I'll talk about it.

All right.

Okay, the luncheon
was really wonderful,

Bill was very nice,

and then on the way
back here in the limo...

Wait a minute. Bill
had a limo? Dave?

Yeah. He takes
them all the time.

Anyway, on the way back...

Okay, hold on a second.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. Great.

Okay, all right. All right.

So, you're driving
in the limo...

And I leaned over
and grabbed Bill's head

and shoved my
tongue down his throat.

Why in the world would
you do a thing like that?

Well, I don't know,
Dave. It just happened.

Oh, my God.

Did he kiss you back?

No.

Are you sure?

Lisa, it was like his
tongue disappeared, okay?

I got nothing but air.

Maybe he slipped
me some Spanish fly.

No, actually, that
doesn't actually exist...

Or does it?

You know, I've never
really been clear on that.

What happened?

I kissed Bill.

On purpose?

What's going on?

She kissed Bill. On purpose?

Maybe he slipped you

some Spanish fly or something.

Actually, while
you are all here,

I want to discuss
some of these charges

to various company accounts.

Um...

Okay, well, listen. Hey.

Can you at least tell
me who's been charging

magazine subscriptions
to the station?

That was me, Dave.

Okay, who else?

Come on, I've had, like,

93 subscriptions
last month alone.

Those are all mine, Dave.

Thank you, everybody.

What?

I'm trying to win

the Publisher's Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes, okay?

I'd like to be the first
psychotic nymphomaniac

to get a big check
from Ed McMahon.

All right, look, Beth, I know
you've had a rough day.

I know this has been
very hard on you,

and I know you've
heard this before,

but I'm going to say it again

because it's
important, all right?

You do not have to
subscribe in order to be eligible

for the Publisher's
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

You are so naive, Dave.

Hello, Lisa.

Hello, Bill.

Listen, Bill, I, um...

I guess I owe you... I
owe you an apology.

I guess you do.

Yeah.

So?

Oh! I'm sorry. I
thought that was it.

Okay, um... okay.

Bill, I apologize.

No apology necessary, Lisa.

Are you okay?

I've never felt so deeply
and hurtfully violated

in all my life.

Well, what exactly happened?

She Frenched me, Lisa.

She was being a
perfect young lady,

then... wham, she's all over me.

Well, I'm sorry.

That must have been
very awkward for you.

You know what it's like?

It's like taking your
daughter to the fair

and buying her cotton candy

and winning prizes for her,

then you get on
the Ferris wheel,

and she wants to make out.

Okay.

Well, how could she
do that to me, Lisa?

How could she...

French her Daddy?

You know what, Bill?

I'm getting very uncomfortable
with that particular metaphor,

so, um...

Bill, Beth would like

to speak to you in
here if that's all right.

If I'm not out in 10 minutes...

Oh, just get in there.

Great, Bill.

Here. Have a seat, Bill.

I think I'll...

All right.

Well...

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you mind if I...

Well, Lisa, I think
maybe you shouldn't...

I would really like it

is Lisa were here for this.

All right. Um...

Sorry.

All right. Now, Beth...

You had something
that you wanted to say...

to Bill.

Yes, I did, Dave.

Bill...

I just want to say...

I am so very sorry.

I am completely responsible
for what happened...

Good.

But it is not my fault.

Okay, Beth, some might argue

that those were
contradictory statements.

It was just something
about the moment.

It was such a perfect moment...

The amazing luncheon,

and you in your tuxedo,

and the limo.

Oh, for God's sake, Bill,
in a situation like that,

I might be tempted to give
you a peck on the cheek.

Anyway, you know,

it was just the
moment, you know, Bill,

it wasn't you.

It was just the moment.

Well...

There we go.

I think we've really worked
this whole thing out now, huh?

All right, well, I guess we
can get on with our lives.

Not so fast, Dave.

Or we could talk
about it some more.

This all sounds well and good,

but what happens,
say, next week,

when Beth and I are alone
at the office late one evening.

I don't know if I'll feel...

safe.

You know what, Bill, it was
just the moment, you know?

I think you're going to be safe.

I think you're going to be safe.

I think I can promise you

in the future,

Beth will be able
to control herself.

Can you, Dave?

Can you?

It was the moment, Bill.

It was just the
moment, you know?

Whatever gets you
through the night, Beth.

In a way, this is all my fault.

I guess I'm just guilty

of being me,

which isn't a crime.

Maybe it should be, huh?

Good night, you guys.

Good night, Dave.

You know, I think it
would probably be safer

if I took the stairs.

Ciao.

Why am I so angry
right now, Dave?

I don't know.

Could it be because
you forfeited your right

to dispute his little thesis

when you rammed your
tongue down his throat?

What do you think?
Maybe? You think?

Come on. There's
something there.

Um, well, about
this budget, sir...

Yes, so, sir, we had
some long-distance abuse,

some photocopier abuse,

people charging
visits to the hair salon.

Matthew?

Catherine.

Oh.

Well, I'm just
glad you were able

to get to the bottom of it.

Good work, Dave.

Oh, Mr. James, there is
one other glitch, though.

We are way, way over budget

on fuel for the
traffic helicopter.

Uh-huh. Well, it sounds like
we've got a leaky copter, Dave.

Well, sir, I
talked to the pilot,

and he chalks it up

to an increase in the
number of round trips

from the roof of this building

to a private residence
in Litchfield, Connecticut.

Litchfield? Hey,
that's where I live!

Okay, you got me, Columbo.

Look, I like to go to lunch.

I like to play with my dogs.

Is that a crime?

Well, sir, this fuel expenditure

is 90% of our budget problem.

90%? Well, that's a lot.

Yes, yes, and I
do have a solution.

So do I.

Okay, let's hear yours first.

Good idea, since that's the one

we're going to be using.

So?

Increase the
helicopter fuel budget.

Sounds great to me.

Yeah. Oh, good job
on that phone bill, Dave.

Glad you were able to
block those 976 numbers.

How did you know I did that?

I'll see you tomorrow, Dave.