NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 1, Episode 5 - Big Day - full transcript
Dave has to decide the annual bonuses. Bill is upset over people leaving food on his desk.
Morning, boss man.
Hey. Morning, Joe.
Big day tomorrow,
huh? You stoked?
What?
You stoked. It's a slang
expression. It means excited.
Yeah, thanks, Joe,
but stoked about what?
Tomorrow. It's a big day.
Yeah, but...
Big day tomorrow, huh?
Yeah, so I hear.
You nervous?
Well, actually,
I'm not sure what's
so big about the...
I get so nervous
before the big day.
Oh, really? Oh yeah.
Well, what's so big about the...
No, I don't even
want to talk about it.
Makes me too nervous.
Here's your phone sheet, boss.
Oh, thank you, Beth.
Beth, what day is tomorrow?
April 19th.
And what's so
special about that?
That's the big day, Dave.
Yeah, but what is, uh...
Morning, chief.
Morning, Bill.
Uh...
Big day tomorrow, huh?
What's so big about it?
You know, it's... Tomorrow.
You know, it's the big day.
Tomorrow? The, uh,
you know, the big day.
You know, April 19th. Big...
You're going to have to give
me a little more to go on here.
Well, actually,
Bill, I have no idea.
I was hoping you might
be able to help me...
Hey, you're right.
Tomorrow is the big day.
Thanks for reminding me!
Give up? Yep.
Tomorrow, April 19th, is the day
Jimmy gives us all
our annual bonuses.
Oh, yeah. That is
a big day. Yes, it is.
That's the kind of thing
the news director ought
to know about, Dave.
Yeah, well, I'm learning
these things as I go along.
You've already been
here for two months.
Thank you for your
patience. Any time.
Big day tomorrow, huh?
Oh, what's so big about it?
You know, April 19th,
the day Mr. James
gives out the bonuses.
Oh, you don't say?
Who's Mr. James?
You don't work here, do you?
Only when the copy
machine breaks down.
You enjoyed that,
didn't you? I certainly did.
See, and then you
just click on "open file"...
Select a name...
Mm-hmm...
And voilà.
Well, that really is something.
Yeah, and if you
get a fax modem,
you could download these
into your own own computer.
Yeah, well, you
know, thanks, Joe,
but I've never really been
much of an aficionado
on computer pornography.
Me neither, man.
It's the technology
that fascinates me.
Joe, if I click on this button,
can I erase this file?
No, no.
If you click on that one,
that makes the legs move.
Oh, you know,
uh, I'll just, uh...
Run a systems
diagnostics on that later.
Yeah, yeah.
If you know what I mean.
Well, of course I
don't, but thanks.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Mm. Oh, could I ask you a favor?
Yes. Personal or professional?
Well, both. Okay.
Would you mind
not wearing my jacket
when you go to get the
paper in the morning?
How is that professional, Dave?
Well, it's just that, you know,
your perfume sort
of gets into the fabric,
and then, you know, I walk
around smelling like you
and, you know, I think it
might make people suspicious.
Now, wait, let me see.
Can you smell it?
Beth, do you ever knock?
Nope, and neither
does Mr. James,
who happens to
be right behind me.
Oh. How are we?
Um, you got a little lipstick
right there. Mm-hmm?
Great. Bra strap's showing.
Just kidding.
Good morning, Mr. James.
Good morning, Beth.
Morning, Jimmy.
Mm, nice perfume.
Thank you. Thank you.
Sweet girl, isn't she?
Yes, she certainly is.
Uh-huh. Got a thing for her?
No, of course not.
Good. Don't dip your
pen in company ink.
That's what I always say.
I hear you, sir.
Don't punch the clock with
the timecard in your pants.
You know what I'm saying?
I said I heard you, sir.
You know you can get
these in color now, Dave.
Uh, so, big day, huh?
Exactly. Big day.
Are you stoked?
Uh, yeah, yeah, I
suppose so, sir. And you?
Me? I'm miserable, Dave.
Yeah, figuring out the
annual bonuses is pure hell.
Oh? Why?
Well, you got to take a
living, breathing human being
and put a dollar
value on his head.
It's the devil's work, Dave.
It's bad hoodoo.
Yeah, it sounds like it.
Yeah. It used to be the
hardest part of my job.
Oh, what changed it?
I made it the hardest part
of your job.
When did that happen?
Just now.
Ah, well, thank you, sir. Yep.
Hello, Jimmy.
Oh, hello, Bill.
You know, Dave, uh...
Lisa's perfume really
lingers, doesn't it?
Is that what that smell is?
You know what I
actually think that is?
I think that's
the stuff they use
to clean the carpet in here.
Yeah... Jimmy, can I
borrow Dave for a second?
Oh, sure. If you don't need
me in the next 45 seconds,
you know where I'll be.
In the, uh...
Yeah, in the can, Dave. Yeah.
All right.
I just have a few
questions for you, chief.
Okay.
Whose desk is this?
Uh, yours, Bill.
Right, and whose
stapler is this?
Look, Bill.
Humor me. Whose stapler is this?
Yours?
And this tape roll?
Yours, Bill. Why?
Uh-uh-uh, Dave. Now,
whose cup of coffee is this?
Yours?
That's where you're wrong.
That is not my cup of coffee,
nor is this my
whatever-the-hell this is.
Well, look, Bill, I
didn't put them there.
I'm not accusing you,
but recently, my desk has become
a public dumping
ground for half-eaten food.
Well, look, Bill, you're
hardly ever at your desk.
It's in a high-traffic area.
Now, I would assume
this was a mistake.
So why don't you
just throw it out
and forget about it?
What am I supposed
to do the next time I find
a cup of that and one of those
on my desk?
Throw them out
and forget about it.
And the next time?
Throw them out
and forget about it.
I think I've made my point.
You know, Bill,
you're being paranoid.
And annoying.
Am I, Dave?
Am I?
It's like some
cruel magic trick!
Dave!
Your office, please?
There's a few guidelines
I'd like you to follow
for these bonuses.
Oh, sure, sir.
Here you are. Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
"Tessio Brothers, Incorporated"?
Yeah, it's just a little company
I do business with.
Oh. What do they do?
They make pens.
Anyway, Dave...
I like to give everyone
a bonus of $400.
$400. Okay. That
shouldn't be too hard.
Except for one person,
who gets a bonus of $3000.
3000?
Yeah. Three fat
louies, or as I call it,
the big bonus.
It's a great motivator, Dave.
Yeah. You're very
generous, sir. Yeah. Thanks.
I'd also like to give one
person a bonus of zero dollars.
Zero?
Yeah, zero dollars,
or as I call it, the shaft.
That's an even
better motivator, Dave.
Oh, uh, well, you know, sir,
the standard bonus of $400?
I think that's great.
I think that's terrific.
But the big bonus and,
uh, the, uh, the shaft...
now, I think that's
just going to generate
an atmosphere of paranoia
and fear in the office.
I see.
So, you figure
out who gets what,
I'll deliver the news.
I'll tell you what.
Don't mention who's
making the decision.
I don't want anyone
to get ticked off at you.
Oh, well, thank you, sir.
So if no one's going to miss
me for the next two minutes,
I'll be, uh... In the can.
What? In the can?
No, I got to make a phone call.
I'm sorry, sir. I'll
leave you to that, then.
You do that.
Did Mr. James drop any hints
about who's getting
the shaft this year?
No, Matthew,
I don't think that's
been figured out yet.
Okay, well, it better not
be me. I'll tell you that.
I take it you've gotten
the shaft before?
Three times, David.
I've been working here
for three years, and...
I have been thrice shafted.
It does not feel good, my
friend. Well, I can imagine.
Hang on.
Yeah. No. Hang on.
No, no. I think the reception's
much better out here.
Yeah. No. There you go.
Okay, now, say
something. Uh-huh.
That's better. That's better.
That's better.
Yeah, it's almost...
That is... That is...
Perfectly clear. Yeah.
That's great. I got to go.
David, can I clear my
live spots with you?
I've got so many of them today.
Hi, Mr. James.
Matthew, we cleared
those yesterday.
I'm going to be at the
Pataki press conference,
then vroom, right over to
that public schools chancellor
for a 30-second interview.
Yeah, Matthew, I know that...
And then after work,
which is nothing new to me,
I'm going to be working on
that taxi commission piece.
Dave, I've got
to go. I'll see you.
Okay. See you, Mr. James.
Busy, busy, busy.
Matthew the workaholic.
That's what they're
starting to call me.
I'd better slow down
or my heart might burst.
Matthew, what are you doing?
I'm just trying to look
busy in front of Mr. James.
I'm worried that he notices
that I come in late and
I'm always leaving early.
You do?
Yeah, but don't tell
Mr. James, please.
I got to avoid that shaft.
Matthew's desk.
David.
Hmm? Oh.
Hello.
Hi, Bill. What...
All right, Bill. I'll
take care of it.
Bill, I'll take care of it!
Would you mind
not eating that there?
Matthew's desk.
Tell him I'm not here, Matthew.
Um, he stepped out for a minute.
Can I take... some
kind of message or...
Say, Joe, who's
the black private dick
that's a sex machine
for all the chicks?
Bill, I think that
would be Shaft.
And who's the cat
that won't cop out
when there's danger all about?
Again, Bill, we're
talking about Shaft.
Damn right.
You know, they
say that cat Shaft
is one bad mother...
Shut up, you guys.
Hey, what's going on?
We're just talking about Shaft.
I can dig it.
You guys are so mean.
Sir, I really wanted
to talk to you
about these bonuses.
Oh, you want to give
Matthew the shaft?
I like the way you think, Dave.
Well, sir, I don't want to
give the shaft to anybody.
But you got to. That's
a great motivator.
I mean, it's all about
motivation, Dave.
Yeah, well, yeah...
Hey, hey, I didn't think
motivation was important either
till I got involved with
some motivational seminars,
and it really... Really
changed my life.
Really? That surprises me.
I didn't think you
were the sort of person
that would attend one of those.
No, I don't. I put
them together.
Pack a few hundred
suckers into a motel ballroom,
hire an out-of-work actor
to paraphrase the
opening scene from Patton,
charge them 500
bucks a pop, and boom!
Bob's your uncle.
Okay, well, sir, this is
what I'd really like to do.
I'd like to drop the big bonus,
forget about the shaft,
and just give everybody
an equal bonus.
Well, now, how are you
going to motivate people?
Uh...
Buzz! Time's up.
Come on.
Buzz! Time's up again.
Sir, I... Buzz, buzz, buzz.
That was the final buzzer, Dave.
This game is over, son.
Has been rejuvenated
by higher newsstand sales
and increases in ad revenue.
WNYX news time: 11:46.
Dave, I just wanted
to talk to you.
Bill, would you just relax?
It's that guy with the beard.
He's been circling
my desk all morning,
just waiting for
me to turn my back.
Look, there, he's walked away.
He knew I was watching.
Is this what you wanted
to talk to me about?
No, I just wanted
you to tell Jimmy
that 3000 wasn't going to
be enough for me this year.
Pardon me?
The big bonus,
the one Jimmy gives
me almost every year
for my consistent
level of excellence.
I mean... That's
right. Go ahead.
Set it down.
Oh, okay, perhaps another time.
You're very sly, but so am I.
Bill, I've got work to do.
D-D-Dave,
listen, uh, just tell Jimmy,
"Bigger big bonus."
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who did this?
Whose food is this?
This desk is not a steam
table. Whose food is this?
"Bill McNeal"?
Oh, right. Uh...
What are you doing, Dave?
I'm still trying
to figure out these bonuses.
Look, Beth,
you haven't told anyone
I'm deciding these, right?
Your secret is safe with me.
Why don't you just give
me the big bonus, Dave?
I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Okay, you've got a deal.
You called my bluff, Dave.
Why don't you at least help
me try to narrow this down, okay?
Okay, now, I assume
you are giving Lisa
the big bonus, right?
I mean,
in addition to the
one you give her
on a semi-nightly basis.
No. No, I am not. Oh.
I mean, just because
Lisa and I are dating,
that doesn't mean I'm going
to give her the big bonus.
Ooh.
You do know that Lisa
is absolutely certain
she's getting the big
bonus, don't you, Dave?
Oh? Yeah.
Oh...
Okay, Beth, would
you get Lisa for me?
Sure. Lisa, Dave wants you!
You're not giving her
the shaft, are you, Dave?
I mean, in addition
to the one you give her
on a semi-nightly basis?
For God's sake, Beth,
were you raised by truckers?
Hi. Hi. Hi.
Lisa, you know how we always say
that our relationship
should be based
on total truth and honesty?
Oh, no. You're not cheating
on me already, are you?
No, I just...
I have something
I have to tell you.
Sorry.
Mr. James isn't giving
out the bonuses this year.
Huh?
I am.
Great!
Great, because I don't want
this to cause any problems for us,
you know, relationship-wise.
No, no, I don't
see why it should.
It doesn't matter who gives
me the big bonus, Dave.
As long as I get it. Uh-huh.
I am getting the big
bonus, right, Dave?
Lisa, considering the
fact that we are dating,
we do have to be aware
of how it would look...
Dave, nobody knows we're dating.
Beth knows.
Well, Beth can be dealt with.
Great.
So, what, eventually we'll
have to whack the entire staff?
Look, Dave, I
deserve the big bonus
and you know it.
Yes... You do the math.
Lisa, come on. Don't do this.
Come on, let's talk about this.
Hey, Dave, I was just
out there doing my job,
and I just thought of
something really funny
you should pass
along to Mr. James.
Oh yeah? What's that?
Well, somewhere on
this floor is a switch
that controls all the
power to the station.
Yeah? What's so
funny about that?
I don't know. It just
makes me giggle.
You know what's even funnier?
What's that?
I'm the only one who
knows where it is.
Hey, Joe,
you know, I'm
new to these parts,
but where I come from,
we call that a threat.
Yeah, that's what we
call it here too, Dave.
John Shaft.
All right, Matthew, what message
would you like me to
pass along to Mr. James?
Wait, a minute. Let me guess.
You need an operation or what?
No, no, no. I don't need you to
tell Mr. James anything for me
because I'm going
to do it myself.
Matthew, you really
don't want to do that.
Yeah. I'm going to go down
to his offices downtown.
Matthew, you really
don't want to do that.
I'm going to march
right up to him
and I'm going to
tell him to his face
that if he gives me the
shaft one more year,
there is going to be trouble.
Yeah? What kind
of trouble, Matthew?
Big trouble.
Uh-huh.
Hey, I don't get mad very often,
but when I do, it
does mean trouble.
I don't think Mr. James
is the sort of man
that tolerates, you know,
this kind of violent outburst.
David, I'm at my
breaking point, okay?
Uh-huh.
I am now officially
on a rampage.
All right. That's it.
What? No. I'm sorry.
I...
Beth? Beth...
Would you please call the staff
to the conference
table for a meeting?
Staff to the conference table
for a meeting!
Tell them it's
about the bonuses.
It's about the bonuses.
No, but history has a
way of repeating itself.
When is it going to repeat?
Okay, okay.
Let's settle down, please.
Settle down, please.
Lisa, would you
like to have a seat?
No, Dave, I wouldn't.
Okay, look, I think
we need to talk
about this whole
bonus situation, all right?
Dave, before you
continue, I just want to say
that I'm 100% behind whatever
decisions Mr. James makes
regarding the bonuses.
Well, calm down, Bill. Mr. James
isn't even in the building.
Oh.
Then why are we
pretending to have a meeting?
Well, because, Bill,
Mr. James isn't giving
out the bonuses this year.
I am.
Dave, before you
continue, I just want to say
that I'm 100% behind
whatever decisions you make.
Thank you, Bill. Thank
you. Thank you very much.
David,
please don't give me the shaft.
Matthew, I don't want to
give anyone the shaft, all right?
Now, I have a solution.
Now, we can't tell
Mr. James about this,
but I propose that we just
pool all the bonus money
and divide it
equally amongst us.
So everyone gets an equal bonus.
And no one gets the shaft.
No one gets the shaft.
Okay, I think this
idea's a winner.
Thank you, Matthew.
This idea is both
fair and democratic.
Yes, it is. And I
want no part of it.
It reeks of Communism.
It penalizes the person who
most deserves the bonus,
and speaking as that
person, I cannot support it.
Okay, Bill, but what if you
don't get the big bonus?
I'll take my chances.
Me too. Me too.
Me too.
Well, okay. Thank you
all for your honesty...
Not to mention
your sickening greed.
Oh, Catherine,
I think you might
want to join us for this.
What's going on?
Well, I'm deciding the bonuses.
Do you really need
me for this, Dave?
Well, Catherine,
this is your last chance
to put your two cents in.
Well, I guess I don't really
have any opinion on this.
Sorry.
Congratulations, Catherine.
You're getting the big bonus.
Oh, come on! What?
I'll settle for...
Too late, Bill.
That's a waste of the big
bonus! She doesn't even care!
Well, that's kind of the point.
The big bonus? Yeah.
Is that good?
Yes, it is, yes, it is.
And who gets the shaft?
I'll be taking the shaft just
to make you all feel guilty.
God bless you, David.
The rest of you, the
standard $400 bonus.
Thank you all for
your cooperation.
So, what's the big
bonus, you guys?
You can drop it,
Cathy. He's gone.
Sorry, gang.
I guess you just got to know
how to play the game, honey.
Dave,
I've had a few thoughts
about the bonuses.
I want you to give
Joe an extra 300.
Well, consider it done.
And while you're at it,
I want you to give
Lisa the big bonus.
I've already given
it to Catherine.
Well, give another one to Lisa,
and I want you to give
Beth another 150 or so.
Sir, are there any of
my bonus decisions
that you do agree with?
What'd you give yourself again?
The shaft.
Good work. I got to go.
Dave, I think you and I
need to have a serious talk.
Bill, this really isn't a
good time. Trust me.
I asked you to do something
about the clutter on my desk,
and yet you refuse.
Is that better, Bill?
Maybe we should talk about this
another time.
Yeah, maybe we should. Yeah.
Wow.
Hey. Morning, Joe.
Big day tomorrow,
huh? You stoked?
What?
You stoked. It's a slang
expression. It means excited.
Yeah, thanks, Joe,
but stoked about what?
Tomorrow. It's a big day.
Yeah, but...
Big day tomorrow, huh?
Yeah, so I hear.
You nervous?
Well, actually,
I'm not sure what's
so big about the...
I get so nervous
before the big day.
Oh, really? Oh yeah.
Well, what's so big about the...
No, I don't even
want to talk about it.
Makes me too nervous.
Here's your phone sheet, boss.
Oh, thank you, Beth.
Beth, what day is tomorrow?
April 19th.
And what's so
special about that?
That's the big day, Dave.
Yeah, but what is, uh...
Morning, chief.
Morning, Bill.
Uh...
Big day tomorrow, huh?
What's so big about it?
You know, it's... Tomorrow.
You know, it's the big day.
Tomorrow? The, uh,
you know, the big day.
You know, April 19th. Big...
You're going to have to give
me a little more to go on here.
Well, actually,
Bill, I have no idea.
I was hoping you might
be able to help me...
Hey, you're right.
Tomorrow is the big day.
Thanks for reminding me!
Give up? Yep.
Tomorrow, April 19th, is the day
Jimmy gives us all
our annual bonuses.
Oh, yeah. That is
a big day. Yes, it is.
That's the kind of thing
the news director ought
to know about, Dave.
Yeah, well, I'm learning
these things as I go along.
You've already been
here for two months.
Thank you for your
patience. Any time.
Big day tomorrow, huh?
Oh, what's so big about it?
You know, April 19th,
the day Mr. James
gives out the bonuses.
Oh, you don't say?
Who's Mr. James?
You don't work here, do you?
Only when the copy
machine breaks down.
You enjoyed that,
didn't you? I certainly did.
See, and then you
just click on "open file"...
Select a name...
Mm-hmm...
And voilà.
Well, that really is something.
Yeah, and if you
get a fax modem,
you could download these
into your own own computer.
Yeah, well, you
know, thanks, Joe,
but I've never really been
much of an aficionado
on computer pornography.
Me neither, man.
It's the technology
that fascinates me.
Joe, if I click on this button,
can I erase this file?
No, no.
If you click on that one,
that makes the legs move.
Oh, you know,
uh, I'll just, uh...
Run a systems
diagnostics on that later.
Yeah, yeah.
If you know what I mean.
Well, of course I
don't, but thanks.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Mm. Oh, could I ask you a favor?
Yes. Personal or professional?
Well, both. Okay.
Would you mind
not wearing my jacket
when you go to get the
paper in the morning?
How is that professional, Dave?
Well, it's just that, you know,
your perfume sort
of gets into the fabric,
and then, you know, I walk
around smelling like you
and, you know, I think it
might make people suspicious.
Now, wait, let me see.
Can you smell it?
Beth, do you ever knock?
Nope, and neither
does Mr. James,
who happens to
be right behind me.
Oh. How are we?
Um, you got a little lipstick
right there. Mm-hmm?
Great. Bra strap's showing.
Just kidding.
Good morning, Mr. James.
Good morning, Beth.
Morning, Jimmy.
Mm, nice perfume.
Thank you. Thank you.
Sweet girl, isn't she?
Yes, she certainly is.
Uh-huh. Got a thing for her?
No, of course not.
Good. Don't dip your
pen in company ink.
That's what I always say.
I hear you, sir.
Don't punch the clock with
the timecard in your pants.
You know what I'm saying?
I said I heard you, sir.
You know you can get
these in color now, Dave.
Uh, so, big day, huh?
Exactly. Big day.
Are you stoked?
Uh, yeah, yeah, I
suppose so, sir. And you?
Me? I'm miserable, Dave.
Yeah, figuring out the
annual bonuses is pure hell.
Oh? Why?
Well, you got to take a
living, breathing human being
and put a dollar
value on his head.
It's the devil's work, Dave.
It's bad hoodoo.
Yeah, it sounds like it.
Yeah. It used to be the
hardest part of my job.
Oh, what changed it?
I made it the hardest part
of your job.
When did that happen?
Just now.
Ah, well, thank you, sir. Yep.
Hello, Jimmy.
Oh, hello, Bill.
You know, Dave, uh...
Lisa's perfume really
lingers, doesn't it?
Is that what that smell is?
You know what I
actually think that is?
I think that's
the stuff they use
to clean the carpet in here.
Yeah... Jimmy, can I
borrow Dave for a second?
Oh, sure. If you don't need
me in the next 45 seconds,
you know where I'll be.
In the, uh...
Yeah, in the can, Dave. Yeah.
All right.
I just have a few
questions for you, chief.
Okay.
Whose desk is this?
Uh, yours, Bill.
Right, and whose
stapler is this?
Look, Bill.
Humor me. Whose stapler is this?
Yours?
And this tape roll?
Yours, Bill. Why?
Uh-uh-uh, Dave. Now,
whose cup of coffee is this?
Yours?
That's where you're wrong.
That is not my cup of coffee,
nor is this my
whatever-the-hell this is.
Well, look, Bill, I
didn't put them there.
I'm not accusing you,
but recently, my desk has become
a public dumping
ground for half-eaten food.
Well, look, Bill, you're
hardly ever at your desk.
It's in a high-traffic area.
Now, I would assume
this was a mistake.
So why don't you
just throw it out
and forget about it?
What am I supposed
to do the next time I find
a cup of that and one of those
on my desk?
Throw them out
and forget about it.
And the next time?
Throw them out
and forget about it.
I think I've made my point.
You know, Bill,
you're being paranoid.
And annoying.
Am I, Dave?
Am I?
It's like some
cruel magic trick!
Dave!
Your office, please?
There's a few guidelines
I'd like you to follow
for these bonuses.
Oh, sure, sir.
Here you are. Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
"Tessio Brothers, Incorporated"?
Yeah, it's just a little company
I do business with.
Oh. What do they do?
They make pens.
Anyway, Dave...
I like to give everyone
a bonus of $400.
$400. Okay. That
shouldn't be too hard.
Except for one person,
who gets a bonus of $3000.
3000?
Yeah. Three fat
louies, or as I call it,
the big bonus.
It's a great motivator, Dave.
Yeah. You're very
generous, sir. Yeah. Thanks.
I'd also like to give one
person a bonus of zero dollars.
Zero?
Yeah, zero dollars,
or as I call it, the shaft.
That's an even
better motivator, Dave.
Oh, uh, well, you know, sir,
the standard bonus of $400?
I think that's great.
I think that's terrific.
But the big bonus and,
uh, the, uh, the shaft...
now, I think that's
just going to generate
an atmosphere of paranoia
and fear in the office.
I see.
So, you figure
out who gets what,
I'll deliver the news.
I'll tell you what.
Don't mention who's
making the decision.
I don't want anyone
to get ticked off at you.
Oh, well, thank you, sir.
So if no one's going to miss
me for the next two minutes,
I'll be, uh... In the can.
What? In the can?
No, I got to make a phone call.
I'm sorry, sir. I'll
leave you to that, then.
You do that.
Did Mr. James drop any hints
about who's getting
the shaft this year?
No, Matthew,
I don't think that's
been figured out yet.
Okay, well, it better not
be me. I'll tell you that.
I take it you've gotten
the shaft before?
Three times, David.
I've been working here
for three years, and...
I have been thrice shafted.
It does not feel good, my
friend. Well, I can imagine.
Hang on.
Yeah. No. Hang on.
No, no. I think the reception's
much better out here.
Yeah. No. There you go.
Okay, now, say
something. Uh-huh.
That's better. That's better.
That's better.
Yeah, it's almost...
That is... That is...
Perfectly clear. Yeah.
That's great. I got to go.
David, can I clear my
live spots with you?
I've got so many of them today.
Hi, Mr. James.
Matthew, we cleared
those yesterday.
I'm going to be at the
Pataki press conference,
then vroom, right over to
that public schools chancellor
for a 30-second interview.
Yeah, Matthew, I know that...
And then after work,
which is nothing new to me,
I'm going to be working on
that taxi commission piece.
Dave, I've got
to go. I'll see you.
Okay. See you, Mr. James.
Busy, busy, busy.
Matthew the workaholic.
That's what they're
starting to call me.
I'd better slow down
or my heart might burst.
Matthew, what are you doing?
I'm just trying to look
busy in front of Mr. James.
I'm worried that he notices
that I come in late and
I'm always leaving early.
You do?
Yeah, but don't tell
Mr. James, please.
I got to avoid that shaft.
Matthew's desk.
David.
Hmm? Oh.
Hello.
Hi, Bill. What...
All right, Bill. I'll
take care of it.
Bill, I'll take care of it!
Would you mind
not eating that there?
Matthew's desk.
Tell him I'm not here, Matthew.
Um, he stepped out for a minute.
Can I take... some
kind of message or...
Say, Joe, who's
the black private dick
that's a sex machine
for all the chicks?
Bill, I think that
would be Shaft.
And who's the cat
that won't cop out
when there's danger all about?
Again, Bill, we're
talking about Shaft.
Damn right.
You know, they
say that cat Shaft
is one bad mother...
Shut up, you guys.
Hey, what's going on?
We're just talking about Shaft.
I can dig it.
You guys are so mean.
Sir, I really wanted
to talk to you
about these bonuses.
Oh, you want to give
Matthew the shaft?
I like the way you think, Dave.
Well, sir, I don't want to
give the shaft to anybody.
But you got to. That's
a great motivator.
I mean, it's all about
motivation, Dave.
Yeah, well, yeah...
Hey, hey, I didn't think
motivation was important either
till I got involved with
some motivational seminars,
and it really... Really
changed my life.
Really? That surprises me.
I didn't think you
were the sort of person
that would attend one of those.
No, I don't. I put
them together.
Pack a few hundred
suckers into a motel ballroom,
hire an out-of-work actor
to paraphrase the
opening scene from Patton,
charge them 500
bucks a pop, and boom!
Bob's your uncle.
Okay, well, sir, this is
what I'd really like to do.
I'd like to drop the big bonus,
forget about the shaft,
and just give everybody
an equal bonus.
Well, now, how are you
going to motivate people?
Uh...
Buzz! Time's up.
Come on.
Buzz! Time's up again.
Sir, I... Buzz, buzz, buzz.
That was the final buzzer, Dave.
This game is over, son.
Has been rejuvenated
by higher newsstand sales
and increases in ad revenue.
WNYX news time: 11:46.
Dave, I just wanted
to talk to you.
Bill, would you just relax?
It's that guy with the beard.
He's been circling
my desk all morning,
just waiting for
me to turn my back.
Look, there, he's walked away.
He knew I was watching.
Is this what you wanted
to talk to me about?
No, I just wanted
you to tell Jimmy
that 3000 wasn't going to
be enough for me this year.
Pardon me?
The big bonus,
the one Jimmy gives
me almost every year
for my consistent
level of excellence.
I mean... That's
right. Go ahead.
Set it down.
Oh, okay, perhaps another time.
You're very sly, but so am I.
Bill, I've got work to do.
D-D-Dave,
listen, uh, just tell Jimmy,
"Bigger big bonus."
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who did this?
Whose food is this?
This desk is not a steam
table. Whose food is this?
"Bill McNeal"?
Oh, right. Uh...
What are you doing, Dave?
I'm still trying
to figure out these bonuses.
Look, Beth,
you haven't told anyone
I'm deciding these, right?
Your secret is safe with me.
Why don't you just give
me the big bonus, Dave?
I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Okay, you've got a deal.
You called my bluff, Dave.
Why don't you at least help
me try to narrow this down, okay?
Okay, now, I assume
you are giving Lisa
the big bonus, right?
I mean,
in addition to the
one you give her
on a semi-nightly basis.
No. No, I am not. Oh.
I mean, just because
Lisa and I are dating,
that doesn't mean I'm going
to give her the big bonus.
Ooh.
You do know that Lisa
is absolutely certain
she's getting the big
bonus, don't you, Dave?
Oh? Yeah.
Oh...
Okay, Beth, would
you get Lisa for me?
Sure. Lisa, Dave wants you!
You're not giving her
the shaft, are you, Dave?
I mean, in addition
to the one you give her
on a semi-nightly basis?
For God's sake, Beth,
were you raised by truckers?
Hi. Hi. Hi.
Lisa, you know how we always say
that our relationship
should be based
on total truth and honesty?
Oh, no. You're not cheating
on me already, are you?
No, I just...
I have something
I have to tell you.
Sorry.
Mr. James isn't giving
out the bonuses this year.
Huh?
I am.
Great!
Great, because I don't want
this to cause any problems for us,
you know, relationship-wise.
No, no, I don't
see why it should.
It doesn't matter who gives
me the big bonus, Dave.
As long as I get it. Uh-huh.
I am getting the big
bonus, right, Dave?
Lisa, considering the
fact that we are dating,
we do have to be aware
of how it would look...
Dave, nobody knows we're dating.
Beth knows.
Well, Beth can be dealt with.
Great.
So, what, eventually we'll
have to whack the entire staff?
Look, Dave, I
deserve the big bonus
and you know it.
Yes... You do the math.
Lisa, come on. Don't do this.
Come on, let's talk about this.
Hey, Dave, I was just
out there doing my job,
and I just thought of
something really funny
you should pass
along to Mr. James.
Oh yeah? What's that?
Well, somewhere on
this floor is a switch
that controls all the
power to the station.
Yeah? What's so
funny about that?
I don't know. It just
makes me giggle.
You know what's even funnier?
What's that?
I'm the only one who
knows where it is.
Hey, Joe,
you know, I'm
new to these parts,
but where I come from,
we call that a threat.
Yeah, that's what we
call it here too, Dave.
John Shaft.
All right, Matthew, what message
would you like me to
pass along to Mr. James?
Wait, a minute. Let me guess.
You need an operation or what?
No, no, no. I don't need you to
tell Mr. James anything for me
because I'm going
to do it myself.
Matthew, you really
don't want to do that.
Yeah. I'm going to go down
to his offices downtown.
Matthew, you really
don't want to do that.
I'm going to march
right up to him
and I'm going to
tell him to his face
that if he gives me the
shaft one more year,
there is going to be trouble.
Yeah? What kind
of trouble, Matthew?
Big trouble.
Uh-huh.
Hey, I don't get mad very often,
but when I do, it
does mean trouble.
I don't think Mr. James
is the sort of man
that tolerates, you know,
this kind of violent outburst.
David, I'm at my
breaking point, okay?
Uh-huh.
I am now officially
on a rampage.
All right. That's it.
What? No. I'm sorry.
I...
Beth? Beth...
Would you please call the staff
to the conference
table for a meeting?
Staff to the conference table
for a meeting!
Tell them it's
about the bonuses.
It's about the bonuses.
No, but history has a
way of repeating itself.
When is it going to repeat?
Okay, okay.
Let's settle down, please.
Settle down, please.
Lisa, would you
like to have a seat?
No, Dave, I wouldn't.
Okay, look, I think
we need to talk
about this whole
bonus situation, all right?
Dave, before you
continue, I just want to say
that I'm 100% behind whatever
decisions Mr. James makes
regarding the bonuses.
Well, calm down, Bill. Mr. James
isn't even in the building.
Oh.
Then why are we
pretending to have a meeting?
Well, because, Bill,
Mr. James isn't giving
out the bonuses this year.
I am.
Dave, before you
continue, I just want to say
that I'm 100% behind
whatever decisions you make.
Thank you, Bill. Thank
you. Thank you very much.
David,
please don't give me the shaft.
Matthew, I don't want to
give anyone the shaft, all right?
Now, I have a solution.
Now, we can't tell
Mr. James about this,
but I propose that we just
pool all the bonus money
and divide it
equally amongst us.
So everyone gets an equal bonus.
And no one gets the shaft.
No one gets the shaft.
Okay, I think this
idea's a winner.
Thank you, Matthew.
This idea is both
fair and democratic.
Yes, it is. And I
want no part of it.
It reeks of Communism.
It penalizes the person who
most deserves the bonus,
and speaking as that
person, I cannot support it.
Okay, Bill, but what if you
don't get the big bonus?
I'll take my chances.
Me too. Me too.
Me too.
Well, okay. Thank you
all for your honesty...
Not to mention
your sickening greed.
Oh, Catherine,
I think you might
want to join us for this.
What's going on?
Well, I'm deciding the bonuses.
Do you really need
me for this, Dave?
Well, Catherine,
this is your last chance
to put your two cents in.
Well, I guess I don't really
have any opinion on this.
Sorry.
Congratulations, Catherine.
You're getting the big bonus.
Oh, come on! What?
I'll settle for...
Too late, Bill.
That's a waste of the big
bonus! She doesn't even care!
Well, that's kind of the point.
The big bonus? Yeah.
Is that good?
Yes, it is, yes, it is.
And who gets the shaft?
I'll be taking the shaft just
to make you all feel guilty.
God bless you, David.
The rest of you, the
standard $400 bonus.
Thank you all for
your cooperation.
So, what's the big
bonus, you guys?
You can drop it,
Cathy. He's gone.
Sorry, gang.
I guess you just got to know
how to play the game, honey.
Dave,
I've had a few thoughts
about the bonuses.
I want you to give
Joe an extra 300.
Well, consider it done.
And while you're at it,
I want you to give
Lisa the big bonus.
I've already given
it to Catherine.
Well, give another one to Lisa,
and I want you to give
Beth another 150 or so.
Sir, are there any of
my bonus decisions
that you do agree with?
What'd you give yourself again?
The shaft.
Good work. I got to go.
Dave, I think you and I
need to have a serious talk.
Bill, this really isn't a
good time. Trust me.
I asked you to do something
about the clutter on my desk,
and yet you refuse.
Is that better, Bill?
Maybe we should talk about this
another time.
Yeah, maybe we should. Yeah.
Wow.