NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 1, Episode 3 - Smoking - full transcript
To help Bill quit smoking, Dave gives up coffee. Lisa is worried Joe saw her and Dave together at the movies.
Then, at approximately
1:15 a.m.,
the police took the husband
to examine the damage,
and that was when
then the husband realized
that the wife had been
the one who set the fire.
Fascinating story.
Yes, it is, Matthew,
but in the interest
of keeping these meetings short,
why don't we save
your dream analysis
for another time?
Okay, well, I
guess that is it now.
Oh, I'm sorry, except for this.
I have to read
this for everyone.
In accordance with New
York state ordinance 435a
regarding secondhand smoke,
this is now officially
a nonsmoking office.
Hallelujah.
Now, I know that
this is going to be hard
for some of us.
I'm sorry, Bill.
Whatever.
What about me, Dave?
I... I didn't realize
that you smoked.
Well, I don't inhale
or anything, you know,
but I can blow it
through my nose.
Well, good for you.
Um, I think this is going
to be healthier for all of us,
because as the ordinance states,
secondhand smoke has been
proven to have carcinogenic effects.
Well, duh.
Who didn't know that?
Wake up, people.
Tell you what. I'm just
going... to post this over here.
You can all read
it at your leisure,
and Bill, can I talk to you
about those station promos?
What have you got, chief?
Uh, well, we're going to do
three five-second station IDs,
and then three full
15-second promos
over an audio bed.
Now, I'd like to have you
and Catherine trading off.
Sounds good.
We should also try
one clean 15-second
pop without the audio bed.
Bill, what are you doing?
Oh. Sorry.
How rude of me.
No. No, thank you, Bill.
Uh, did you hear
the announcement
I made at the meeting just now?
Well, to tell the truth, Dave,
I tend to zone out unless
my name is mentioned.
Why, was it something important?
Uh, well, yeah, Bill.
Yeah, it was kind of important.
I'm on it, Matthew.
Yeah, it was kind of important.
I'm on it, Matthew.
Bill, we're now officially
a nonsmoking office.
What you're doing is punishable
by a $100 fine.
You're kidding.
No, I'm not kidding.
Oh, come on.
Bill, that's not how
it's supposed to work.
Now, just put that out.
Is that decaf?
No, no, it's regular.
The caps lock just
won't come off, right,
so everything I
type is in all Caps.
All right. I've
seen this before.
Go like this, then, uh...
Now try it.
Yeah. Well, thanks, Fonzie.
Uh, yeah. I think the caps
lock did come off there
just before the
screen went blank.
Anytime.
Oh, that's great.
Oh. Hi, Joe.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Uh, we need to
talk. Can I close this?
Oh, sure.
Hi. Hi.
We have to have a real talk.
Oh. Okay.
Then I better open this door.
I don't want people to think
we're doing anything in here...
especially if we aren't.
Dave, I was right.
Joe definitely saw us
at the movies last night.
He's been acting
like that all morning.
Like what?
Like that. Like "Hey, hey, hey."
Well, I've been with
him for about 15 minutes.
He hasn't "hey, heyed" me.
I think maybe you're
just being paranoid.
Oh, I'm paranoid?
I'm not the one that
wears a stupid hat
every time he goes out
so he won't be recognized.
Look, there's nothing
stupid about that hat.
A lot of people
wear hats like that.
Name one.
Well, Woody Allen, for one.
So, what, that means
I'm like Soon Yi to you?
No. No, look, He wore that
hat when he was with Mia too.
Mia?
Yes.
Here you go, chief.
Did a little punch-up
on those promos.
Well, I consider this situation
a potentially volatile one,
and I suggest you do the same.
College girls.
Look, Bill, I hope you're
enjoying that cigarette,
Because it is your last.
No, no. I got a
full pack right here.
Nice look. Is that from J. Crew?
Hey, Joe.
Hey. Hey.
How was your weekend?
Good.
You know, I saw a pretty
good movie last night.
Have you seen any
good movies lately?
Uh, me? I don't go to movies.
I don't like movies.
Most movies suck.
When someone says, "Hey,
Joe, you want to go to a movie?"
You know what I say?
I say, "I don't like movies.
I don't go to movies.
Most movies suck."
I've got to go.
Dave, he knows everything.
You're paranoid.
I need to talk to David.
Oh.
David, you've got to
make Bill stop smoking.
It's in my clothes.
It's in my hair.
Would you smell my hair?
Matthew, I'm not
going to smell your hair.
Then smell my hands.
No.
Smell something.
Matthew!
Look, if it's really
bothering you that much,
maybe you should talk to Bill.
Dave, come over here.
I want you to look at this.
No. No.
Yeah, what is it, Bill?
It says here, article
4, paragraph 2,
that in an office with
more than 20 employees,
you have to set up a
special smoking area.
Oh yeah. I didn't see that.
Maybe you didn't want to see it.
All right, Bill. Where
do you suggest
we set up this smoking area?
How about a
mobile 10-foot radius
around me?
I don't think so, Bill.
Then how about over
by Matthew's desk?
Huh? Matthew,
would you like that?
Sorry. I wasn't listening. What?
You figure it out, Dave,
because when I
finish my noon update,
the smoking lamp will be lit.
Dave, talk to him.
Matthew, you talk to him.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, I will.
Good. Good.
Matthew, turn around
and go back to your desk.
Hey, Beth.
Did you tell Bill about
the new smoking area?
Yep. If we're going to
have a smoking area,
What?
Oh, God. Gum. Sorry.
So I won't smoke.
That's attractive.
Would you put it back, please?
Thanks.
Oh...
Oh, I think that should...
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, I guess this will
do, but lose the salad, huh?
Bill, we all really appreciate
your cooperation in this.
Uh...
Yeah. This'll
work out just fine.
What?
This is very
pleasant. Thank you.
Okay, great, Bill.
Just close the window
when you're done.
Mr. James.
What?
What?
Mr. James.
Oh, uh, Mr. James. I
didn't see you come in.
Yeah, well, that's
the way I like it.
I'm like that magician
guy. What's his name?
David Copperfield?
No.
Siegfried? Uh-uh.
Roy? That's the one.
Here you go, Mr. James.
Thanks. I'll just have
the coffee for now.
I'm trying to cut down
on other people's saliva.
Well, sir, what brings
you here today?
Well, I heard about your
little smoking problem.
I have the solution.
Oh, great. Yeah.
Maybe it'll help
if you talk to Bill.
No. I don't need that hassle.
I got a friend at city hall.
Sir, it's a state ordinance.
And in Albany.
Yes, and in Washington.
But sir, I'd really rather
you didn't bribe anyone,
because I support
this nonsmoking ordinance.
And I support fire safety,
but you see those
sprinklers up there?
They're not hooked
up to anything.
I paid a guy off...
Had my nephew come in,
super-glue them to the ceiling.
New York, New York...
It's a hell of a town.
Okay...
Hello, Jimmy.
Hello, Bill.
You know, I thank God every day
we're not a TV station.
Hey, Bill, are you still here?
Something wrong?
You sure there's
nothing the matter?
Hmm?
Okay, you got me.
Bill...
Look, as much as I'm enjoying
this little battle of
wills we're having,
wouldn't it be easier for you
if you just quit?
Don't you think I want to, Dave?
I can't quit. It's too hard.
Look, I know it's hard.
You can't know.
How can you know?
I'll bet you've never smoked
a single cigarette in your life.
Well, yeah, I did once.
And you threw up.
How did you know?
You seem like the type.
Well, okay, look,
so I don't smoke,
but you know what? I
am addicted to caffeine.
You got a coffee problem, huh?
How bad is your habit?
Two, three pots a day.
Four on a Monday.
Well, that's just sick.
I mean, you know,
I've tried to quit,
but I can't even cut down.
It's not the same.
These guys are
my... little friends.
They're always there
when I need them.
My reliable little buddies.
Hey, Bill, I'm your friend.
Yeah?
Where were you last night
around 3:00 a.m.
When I was watching
Steel Magnolias
and crying my eyes out?
Hey, Bill, I have an idea.
Tell you what. I'll
give up coffee...
if you give up cigarettes.
Huh? We'll go through
this thing together.
How is that supposed to help me?
You should have to give up
something of equal difficulty,
like going to the bathroom.
Well, look. Bill, I'm sorry,
but this is the best
I can do, all right?
Now, give me the cigarettes.
We'll go through this together.
Come on.
Okay, Let's do it.
You and me, chief. Let's go.
Great. That's the spirit, Bill.
Terrific. This is a
great moment, Bill.
Should we hug?
Well, we shook hands.
Yeah. You're right.
That's probably plenty.
When do you want start?
Uh, five minutes?
Let's make it 10.
Good idea.
Morning, chief.
Morning, Bill.
So?
Nope. Haven't had
a drop of coffee.
You? You smoked?
Not at all. How are you feeling?
Well, I have a
pounding headache,
and my arms feel like
they're about 12 feet long,
but other than
that, I feel fine.
You?
I've been better.
Coughed up something that
looked like escargot this morning,
but I guess that's a good sign.
You don't mind, do you?
Oh, oh, gosh, no, Bill.
Please, enjoy.
The old java jive.
Chock full o' nuts?
They should call it
chock full o' flavor.
Okay, what the hell
are you doing, Bill?
Oh, come on, Dave.
We went a good
nine and a half hours.
Must we continue
this little charade?
Bill, I'm doing this for you.
We had... an agreement.
If you crack first, Dave,
it won't make you
any less of a man.
I'm nowhere near cracking.
Neither am I, my friend.
Dave?
Oh, Matthew, what is it now?
For God's sake, no
one's smoking, okay?
But...
But nothing!
You know what we
need around here
is an anti-whining ordinance!
So just zip your
sniveling little lip
and haul your
skinny ass out of here!
I don't think that qualifies
as cracking, do you?
No, no, no.
I brought you some aspirin.
Oh, thanks, Lisa.
You know what?
I don't know what it is
caffeine does for you,
but I'm pretty
sure that without it,
your head caves in.
Yeah. But did Joe
say anything to you
about seeing us at the movies
the other night?
Oh... Lisa...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want to get some lunch?
Oh, yeah... oh!
I didn't bring my hat.
You know, Dave,
I'm really starting
to hate that hat.
Dave, are you listening
to what Bill is doing?
No.
Federal reserve announced today
that the prime interest rate
will be the focus of discussion
at next week's economic summit
in Washington.
President Clinton
and his advisors
will be in attendance
as well as both leaders
from the Senate and
House banking committees.
Talks are expected...
To be unusually heated
in light of the fallout from
last November's elections.
Insiders say it's
anybody's guess...
Don't listen too closely,
or you'll fall into a trance.
Oh, come on, Beth.
I mean, give the
guy a break, all right?
You know what?
He's... he's going
through withdrawal,
and that's not easy, Beth.
That's... that's very hard.
It's very, very hard.
Uh-oh. Mr. James is here,
and he doesn't look happy.
Aw... How do I look?
Tewiffic.
Than thoo.
Dave, get over here.
Yes, Mr. James.
What the hell are you running,
a radio station
or a rehab clinic?
Okay, fine.
You just take a few minutes
and try to think of a comeback.
Meanwhile, I'll get up
there and do your job.
For fixed income annuities.
In a related story, bad news
for first-time home buyers,
who are likely to
see a hefty increase
in interest rates...
sometime soon.
In Albany today,
reaction to the news was mixed.
Governor Pataki applauded
the announcement,
citing the state's
heavy industrial base,
which is sorely
in need of a lift.
Dave, let him
smoke all he wants,
but tell him to be careful.
I don't want this
place catching fire.
The state's Democratic
leadership protested,
declaring that...
Some are calling an all-out war
over the federal
reserve system's
anticipated decision.
In other news...
At least let the man smoke
while he's on the air, Dave.
Catherine, I can't do that.
I don't mind. Really. I
used to smoke myself.
And, quite honestly...
I miss the smell, Dave.
Catherine, I don't
know what to tell you.
You can always go
smell Matthew's head.
Bill?
Here. Maybe you
should try a carrot stick.
Why?
Well, they're supposed
to help you quit smoking.
Oh. How?
I guess you take it,
put it in your mouth,
and, yeah, like a cigarette.
Oh.
You're playing with
me, aren't you, Matthew?
Here you go, boss.
These just got here.
Oh, great. Good, good, good.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, Bill.
I want you to put one of these
on your back, okay?
What is this?
It's the patch.
Don't you need
a prescription for those?
Yeah. I went to my
doctor this morning
and had him prescribe it for me.
Well, you don't smoke.
No, no, but I told him
I was thinking about starting.
You know, I don't think
he's a very good doctor.
Say... that's nice.
That's real nice. Thanks, Dave.
Oh, my pleasure, Bill.
No, no. The pleasure's mine.
Oh!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Dave, you should
probably try cauliflower.
It's good for
caffeine addiction.
What is with you and that?
Well, there's a vegetable
for every addiction.
What are you addicted to?
Vegetables.
Dave, I think you'd
better get out here,
because Bill is having
some kind of trouble.
Oh, God. He didn't take
off the patch, did he?
No, not that I know of.
All right.
Here. Eat this.
No. Ugh.
Hey, Bill, what's the matter?
Where does it hurt?
It doesn't hurt
so much as tingle
all through my arm and chest.
Please, Bill, eat
a carrot stick.
Matthew, forget
the carrot sticks.
Dave, I think it's the patch.
Oh, Bill, don't be
ridiculous. I'm sure it isn't.
You know what?
I'm sure you're
going to be fine.
You just need to relax. Come on.
Okay. Okay. Here we go.
Feel better?
Yeah.
All right.
Your friend should
be back on his feet
by tomorrow morning.
He just had a bad
reaction to something.
Uh-huh? Um...
You know, there's just a chance
that he was on
the nicotine patch.
That wouldn't have
anything to do with it, right?
The patch?
Nah. I seriously
doubt that was a factor.
Oh, good.
See, doctors are very careful
about handing those out.
That's why you can't get
one without a prescription.
You don't... you don't say.
Well, thanks very
much for all your help.
Hey, Dave, maybe you
could help me out too.
I was wondering if you
could go to your doctor
and get me fitted
for a diaphragm.
Why don't you just use your gum?
So, is Bill coming in today?
Yeah. They just kept him
overnight for observation,
but he's fine.
Here he is, everybody!
Hey! Attaboy!
Good to have you back, Bill!
Thanks, Jimmy.
It's good to be back.
Hey, Bill. Here's your coffee.
So! How you feeling?
A little shaky, but good.
Uh-huh. You feel
like suing the station?
Of course not.
Good! I got to go.
Look, I'm really sorry, Bill.
That's okay.
Your heart was
in the right place.
I just had no idea
that the patch could
have side effects.
And I had no idea
you're only supposed
to wear one at a time.
Oh? How many were you wearing?
15, 16.
I sort of stuck them
all around my waist
like a belt.
Oh. Well, you're fine
now. That's all that matters.
More or less.
There are a few
lingering effects,
but you shouldn't worry...
No, what? I'd rather not say.
Anything I can do to help.
It smells like an
ashtray when I pee.
Anything you can do
to help me with that?
Gosh, I hope not.
I didn't think so.
Anyway, considering I
haven't had a cigarette
in 38 hours,
I'm actually kind
of enjoying it.
Well, there you go.
Amen to that.
Yeah.
Joe...
Joe?
All right, I can't
take it anymore.
You want to get into it? Yes.
You want to talk? Yes.
Let's go. Come on.
I know you were
at the movie theater.
I know you don't
want to talk about it.
Look, it's just how
rumors get started.
I just don't want to get
caught up in a big rumor.
Well, neither do I.
That's why I
think it's important
that we talk about it.
Well, look just
because you see me
at the movies with a friend
who happens to be
flamboyantly gay...
it doesn't mean
that I'm gay too.
You just assume that.
It's not what it looked like.
What?
I'm not gay.
Oh, Joe. No. Listen.
Hey. Even if you were...
I'm not gay.
All right, but
even if you were...
But I'm not. Okay.
Did you see who I
was with at the movies?
Some dork with a stupid hat.
Did that dork look
familiar to you?
He looked like any
other dork in the city,
except he had a stupid hat.
Thanks, Joe.
Yeah. I'm not gay.
Right.
Aw, Bill... you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Ah, well...
You know, before work today,
I had a double espresso.
We're failures.
Yeah.
If you ever tell anyone
about Steel Magnolias...
I'll kill you.
It would take a robot
not to cry at that movie.
Until economic
sanctions take effect.
And here's Bill McNeal
with the latest
from Wall Street.
The Dow Jones industrial average
closed out the
day up nine points
with advancing issues
outnumbering decliners
in a three-to-two ratio.
Sounds like Bill's
back on his game.
Yep, sure does.
And you're happy
with the solution?
Oh, very happy.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, what's up?
How's it going there?
Pretty good.
I've got it completely
hermetically sealed.
Have you figured out a
way of ventilating it yet?
No.
I'll try and think up
something over the weekend.
No rush. Good work.
All right. Thanks. Take it easy.
The university
will have to close or
merge eight campuses
and raise tuition...
1:15 a.m.,
the police took the husband
to examine the damage,
and that was when
then the husband realized
that the wife had been
the one who set the fire.
Fascinating story.
Yes, it is, Matthew,
but in the interest
of keeping these meetings short,
why don't we save
your dream analysis
for another time?
Okay, well, I
guess that is it now.
Oh, I'm sorry, except for this.
I have to read
this for everyone.
In accordance with New
York state ordinance 435a
regarding secondhand smoke,
this is now officially
a nonsmoking office.
Hallelujah.
Now, I know that
this is going to be hard
for some of us.
I'm sorry, Bill.
Whatever.
What about me, Dave?
I... I didn't realize
that you smoked.
Well, I don't inhale
or anything, you know,
but I can blow it
through my nose.
Well, good for you.
Um, I think this is going
to be healthier for all of us,
because as the ordinance states,
secondhand smoke has been
proven to have carcinogenic effects.
Well, duh.
Who didn't know that?
Wake up, people.
Tell you what. I'm just
going... to post this over here.
You can all read
it at your leisure,
and Bill, can I talk to you
about those station promos?
What have you got, chief?
Uh, well, we're going to do
three five-second station IDs,
and then three full
15-second promos
over an audio bed.
Now, I'd like to have you
and Catherine trading off.
Sounds good.
We should also try
one clean 15-second
pop without the audio bed.
Bill, what are you doing?
Oh. Sorry.
How rude of me.
No. No, thank you, Bill.
Uh, did you hear
the announcement
I made at the meeting just now?
Well, to tell the truth, Dave,
I tend to zone out unless
my name is mentioned.
Why, was it something important?
Uh, well, yeah, Bill.
Yeah, it was kind of important.
I'm on it, Matthew.
Yeah, it was kind of important.
I'm on it, Matthew.
Bill, we're now officially
a nonsmoking office.
What you're doing is punishable
by a $100 fine.
You're kidding.
No, I'm not kidding.
Oh, come on.
Bill, that's not how
it's supposed to work.
Now, just put that out.
Is that decaf?
No, no, it's regular.
The caps lock just
won't come off, right,
so everything I
type is in all Caps.
All right. I've
seen this before.
Go like this, then, uh...
Now try it.
Yeah. Well, thanks, Fonzie.
Uh, yeah. I think the caps
lock did come off there
just before the
screen went blank.
Anytime.
Oh, that's great.
Oh. Hi, Joe.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Uh, we need to
talk. Can I close this?
Oh, sure.
Hi. Hi.
We have to have a real talk.
Oh. Okay.
Then I better open this door.
I don't want people to think
we're doing anything in here...
especially if we aren't.
Dave, I was right.
Joe definitely saw us
at the movies last night.
He's been acting
like that all morning.
Like what?
Like that. Like "Hey, hey, hey."
Well, I've been with
him for about 15 minutes.
He hasn't "hey, heyed" me.
I think maybe you're
just being paranoid.
Oh, I'm paranoid?
I'm not the one that
wears a stupid hat
every time he goes out
so he won't be recognized.
Look, there's nothing
stupid about that hat.
A lot of people
wear hats like that.
Name one.
Well, Woody Allen, for one.
So, what, that means
I'm like Soon Yi to you?
No. No, look, He wore that
hat when he was with Mia too.
Mia?
Yes.
Here you go, chief.
Did a little punch-up
on those promos.
Well, I consider this situation
a potentially volatile one,
and I suggest you do the same.
College girls.
Look, Bill, I hope you're
enjoying that cigarette,
Because it is your last.
No, no. I got a
full pack right here.
Nice look. Is that from J. Crew?
Hey, Joe.
Hey. Hey.
How was your weekend?
Good.
You know, I saw a pretty
good movie last night.
Have you seen any
good movies lately?
Uh, me? I don't go to movies.
I don't like movies.
Most movies suck.
When someone says, "Hey,
Joe, you want to go to a movie?"
You know what I say?
I say, "I don't like movies.
I don't go to movies.
Most movies suck."
I've got to go.
Dave, he knows everything.
You're paranoid.
I need to talk to David.
Oh.
David, you've got to
make Bill stop smoking.
It's in my clothes.
It's in my hair.
Would you smell my hair?
Matthew, I'm not
going to smell your hair.
Then smell my hands.
No.
Smell something.
Matthew!
Look, if it's really
bothering you that much,
maybe you should talk to Bill.
Dave, come over here.
I want you to look at this.
No. No.
Yeah, what is it, Bill?
It says here, article
4, paragraph 2,
that in an office with
more than 20 employees,
you have to set up a
special smoking area.
Oh yeah. I didn't see that.
Maybe you didn't want to see it.
All right, Bill. Where
do you suggest
we set up this smoking area?
How about a
mobile 10-foot radius
around me?
I don't think so, Bill.
Then how about over
by Matthew's desk?
Huh? Matthew,
would you like that?
Sorry. I wasn't listening. What?
You figure it out, Dave,
because when I
finish my noon update,
the smoking lamp will be lit.
Dave, talk to him.
Matthew, you talk to him.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, I will.
Good. Good.
Matthew, turn around
and go back to your desk.
Hey, Beth.
Did you tell Bill about
the new smoking area?
Yep. If we're going to
have a smoking area,
What?
Oh, God. Gum. Sorry.
So I won't smoke.
That's attractive.
Would you put it back, please?
Thanks.
Oh...
Oh, I think that should...
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, I guess this will
do, but lose the salad, huh?
Bill, we all really appreciate
your cooperation in this.
Uh...
Yeah. This'll
work out just fine.
What?
This is very
pleasant. Thank you.
Okay, great, Bill.
Just close the window
when you're done.
Mr. James.
What?
What?
Mr. James.
Oh, uh, Mr. James. I
didn't see you come in.
Yeah, well, that's
the way I like it.
I'm like that magician
guy. What's his name?
David Copperfield?
No.
Siegfried? Uh-uh.
Roy? That's the one.
Here you go, Mr. James.
Thanks. I'll just have
the coffee for now.
I'm trying to cut down
on other people's saliva.
Well, sir, what brings
you here today?
Well, I heard about your
little smoking problem.
I have the solution.
Oh, great. Yeah.
Maybe it'll help
if you talk to Bill.
No. I don't need that hassle.
I got a friend at city hall.
Sir, it's a state ordinance.
And in Albany.
Yes, and in Washington.
But sir, I'd really rather
you didn't bribe anyone,
because I support
this nonsmoking ordinance.
And I support fire safety,
but you see those
sprinklers up there?
They're not hooked
up to anything.
I paid a guy off...
Had my nephew come in,
super-glue them to the ceiling.
New York, New York...
It's a hell of a town.
Okay...
Hello, Jimmy.
Hello, Bill.
You know, I thank God every day
we're not a TV station.
Hey, Bill, are you still here?
Something wrong?
You sure there's
nothing the matter?
Hmm?
Okay, you got me.
Bill...
Look, as much as I'm enjoying
this little battle of
wills we're having,
wouldn't it be easier for you
if you just quit?
Don't you think I want to, Dave?
I can't quit. It's too hard.
Look, I know it's hard.
You can't know.
How can you know?
I'll bet you've never smoked
a single cigarette in your life.
Well, yeah, I did once.
And you threw up.
How did you know?
You seem like the type.
Well, okay, look,
so I don't smoke,
but you know what? I
am addicted to caffeine.
You got a coffee problem, huh?
How bad is your habit?
Two, three pots a day.
Four on a Monday.
Well, that's just sick.
I mean, you know,
I've tried to quit,
but I can't even cut down.
It's not the same.
These guys are
my... little friends.
They're always there
when I need them.
My reliable little buddies.
Hey, Bill, I'm your friend.
Yeah?
Where were you last night
around 3:00 a.m.
When I was watching
Steel Magnolias
and crying my eyes out?
Hey, Bill, I have an idea.
Tell you what. I'll
give up coffee...
if you give up cigarettes.
Huh? We'll go through
this thing together.
How is that supposed to help me?
You should have to give up
something of equal difficulty,
like going to the bathroom.
Well, look. Bill, I'm sorry,
but this is the best
I can do, all right?
Now, give me the cigarettes.
We'll go through this together.
Come on.
Okay, Let's do it.
You and me, chief. Let's go.
Great. That's the spirit, Bill.
Terrific. This is a
great moment, Bill.
Should we hug?
Well, we shook hands.
Yeah. You're right.
That's probably plenty.
When do you want start?
Uh, five minutes?
Let's make it 10.
Good idea.
Morning, chief.
Morning, Bill.
So?
Nope. Haven't had
a drop of coffee.
You? You smoked?
Not at all. How are you feeling?
Well, I have a
pounding headache,
and my arms feel like
they're about 12 feet long,
but other than
that, I feel fine.
You?
I've been better.
Coughed up something that
looked like escargot this morning,
but I guess that's a good sign.
You don't mind, do you?
Oh, oh, gosh, no, Bill.
Please, enjoy.
The old java jive.
Chock full o' nuts?
They should call it
chock full o' flavor.
Okay, what the hell
are you doing, Bill?
Oh, come on, Dave.
We went a good
nine and a half hours.
Must we continue
this little charade?
Bill, I'm doing this for you.
We had... an agreement.
If you crack first, Dave,
it won't make you
any less of a man.
I'm nowhere near cracking.
Neither am I, my friend.
Dave?
Oh, Matthew, what is it now?
For God's sake, no
one's smoking, okay?
But...
But nothing!
You know what we
need around here
is an anti-whining ordinance!
So just zip your
sniveling little lip
and haul your
skinny ass out of here!
I don't think that qualifies
as cracking, do you?
No, no, no.
I brought you some aspirin.
Oh, thanks, Lisa.
You know what?
I don't know what it is
caffeine does for you,
but I'm pretty
sure that without it,
your head caves in.
Yeah. But did Joe
say anything to you
about seeing us at the movies
the other night?
Oh... Lisa...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want to get some lunch?
Oh, yeah... oh!
I didn't bring my hat.
You know, Dave,
I'm really starting
to hate that hat.
Dave, are you listening
to what Bill is doing?
No.
Federal reserve announced today
that the prime interest rate
will be the focus of discussion
at next week's economic summit
in Washington.
President Clinton
and his advisors
will be in attendance
as well as both leaders
from the Senate and
House banking committees.
Talks are expected...
To be unusually heated
in light of the fallout from
last November's elections.
Insiders say it's
anybody's guess...
Don't listen too closely,
or you'll fall into a trance.
Oh, come on, Beth.
I mean, give the
guy a break, all right?
You know what?
He's... he's going
through withdrawal,
and that's not easy, Beth.
That's... that's very hard.
It's very, very hard.
Uh-oh. Mr. James is here,
and he doesn't look happy.
Aw... How do I look?
Tewiffic.
Than thoo.
Dave, get over here.
Yes, Mr. James.
What the hell are you running,
a radio station
or a rehab clinic?
Okay, fine.
You just take a few minutes
and try to think of a comeback.
Meanwhile, I'll get up
there and do your job.
For fixed income annuities.
In a related story, bad news
for first-time home buyers,
who are likely to
see a hefty increase
in interest rates...
sometime soon.
In Albany today,
reaction to the news was mixed.
Governor Pataki applauded
the announcement,
citing the state's
heavy industrial base,
which is sorely
in need of a lift.
Dave, let him
smoke all he wants,
but tell him to be careful.
I don't want this
place catching fire.
The state's Democratic
leadership protested,
declaring that...
Some are calling an all-out war
over the federal
reserve system's
anticipated decision.
In other news...
At least let the man smoke
while he's on the air, Dave.
Catherine, I can't do that.
I don't mind. Really. I
used to smoke myself.
And, quite honestly...
I miss the smell, Dave.
Catherine, I don't
know what to tell you.
You can always go
smell Matthew's head.
Bill?
Here. Maybe you
should try a carrot stick.
Why?
Well, they're supposed
to help you quit smoking.
Oh. How?
I guess you take it,
put it in your mouth,
and, yeah, like a cigarette.
Oh.
You're playing with
me, aren't you, Matthew?
Here you go, boss.
These just got here.
Oh, great. Good, good, good.
Hey, Bill.
Hey, Bill.
I want you to put one of these
on your back, okay?
What is this?
It's the patch.
Don't you need
a prescription for those?
Yeah. I went to my
doctor this morning
and had him prescribe it for me.
Well, you don't smoke.
No, no, but I told him
I was thinking about starting.
You know, I don't think
he's a very good doctor.
Say... that's nice.
That's real nice. Thanks, Dave.
Oh, my pleasure, Bill.
No, no. The pleasure's mine.
Oh!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Dave, you should
probably try cauliflower.
It's good for
caffeine addiction.
What is with you and that?
Well, there's a vegetable
for every addiction.
What are you addicted to?
Vegetables.
Dave, I think you'd
better get out here,
because Bill is having
some kind of trouble.
Oh, God. He didn't take
off the patch, did he?
No, not that I know of.
All right.
Here. Eat this.
No. Ugh.
Hey, Bill, what's the matter?
Where does it hurt?
It doesn't hurt
so much as tingle
all through my arm and chest.
Please, Bill, eat
a carrot stick.
Matthew, forget
the carrot sticks.
Dave, I think it's the patch.
Oh, Bill, don't be
ridiculous. I'm sure it isn't.
You know what?
I'm sure you're
going to be fine.
You just need to relax. Come on.
Okay. Okay. Here we go.
Feel better?
Yeah.
All right.
Your friend should
be back on his feet
by tomorrow morning.
He just had a bad
reaction to something.
Uh-huh? Um...
You know, there's just a chance
that he was on
the nicotine patch.
That wouldn't have
anything to do with it, right?
The patch?
Nah. I seriously
doubt that was a factor.
Oh, good.
See, doctors are very careful
about handing those out.
That's why you can't get
one without a prescription.
You don't... you don't say.
Well, thanks very
much for all your help.
Hey, Dave, maybe you
could help me out too.
I was wondering if you
could go to your doctor
and get me fitted
for a diaphragm.
Why don't you just use your gum?
So, is Bill coming in today?
Yeah. They just kept him
overnight for observation,
but he's fine.
Here he is, everybody!
Hey! Attaboy!
Good to have you back, Bill!
Thanks, Jimmy.
It's good to be back.
Hey, Bill. Here's your coffee.
So! How you feeling?
A little shaky, but good.
Uh-huh. You feel
like suing the station?
Of course not.
Good! I got to go.
Look, I'm really sorry, Bill.
That's okay.
Your heart was
in the right place.
I just had no idea
that the patch could
have side effects.
And I had no idea
you're only supposed
to wear one at a time.
Oh? How many were you wearing?
15, 16.
I sort of stuck them
all around my waist
like a belt.
Oh. Well, you're fine
now. That's all that matters.
More or less.
There are a few
lingering effects,
but you shouldn't worry...
No, what? I'd rather not say.
Anything I can do to help.
It smells like an
ashtray when I pee.
Anything you can do
to help me with that?
Gosh, I hope not.
I didn't think so.
Anyway, considering I
haven't had a cigarette
in 38 hours,
I'm actually kind
of enjoying it.
Well, there you go.
Amen to that.
Yeah.
Joe...
Joe?
All right, I can't
take it anymore.
You want to get into it? Yes.
You want to talk? Yes.
Let's go. Come on.
I know you were
at the movie theater.
I know you don't
want to talk about it.
Look, it's just how
rumors get started.
I just don't want to get
caught up in a big rumor.
Well, neither do I.
That's why I
think it's important
that we talk about it.
Well, look just
because you see me
at the movies with a friend
who happens to be
flamboyantly gay...
it doesn't mean
that I'm gay too.
You just assume that.
It's not what it looked like.
What?
I'm not gay.
Oh, Joe. No. Listen.
Hey. Even if you were...
I'm not gay.
All right, but
even if you were...
But I'm not. Okay.
Did you see who I
was with at the movies?
Some dork with a stupid hat.
Did that dork look
familiar to you?
He looked like any
other dork in the city,
except he had a stupid hat.
Thanks, Joe.
Yeah. I'm not gay.
Right.
Aw, Bill... you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Ah, well...
You know, before work today,
I had a double espresso.
We're failures.
Yeah.
If you ever tell anyone
about Steel Magnolias...
I'll kill you.
It would take a robot
not to cry at that movie.
Until economic
sanctions take effect.
And here's Bill McNeal
with the latest
from Wall Street.
The Dow Jones industrial average
closed out the
day up nine points
with advancing issues
outnumbering decliners
in a three-to-two ratio.
Sounds like Bill's
back on his game.
Yep, sure does.
And you're happy
with the solution?
Oh, very happy.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, what's up?
How's it going there?
Pretty good.
I've got it completely
hermetically sealed.
Have you figured out a
way of ventilating it yet?
No.
I'll try and think up
something over the weekend.
No rush. Good work.
All right. Thanks. Take it easy.
The university
will have to close or
merge eight campuses
and raise tuition...