Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 9 - Utley, Can You Spend a Dime? - full transcript

Morning, George.

Morning.

Something wrong, George?

Nothing that can't
wait until we're alone.

George, it's okay.
They're not listening.

Oh, okay, Dick.

My paycheck bounced.

It's, uh, obviously...
Obviously a bank error.

I'll...

I'll call this morning and
straighten it out, George.

Yeah, that must be it.



Ha ha ha ha ha.

George, what...
what are you doing?

We'll just call my last
two weeks' work a freebie

between friends.

George, I have
money. I'm liquid, okay?

Dick, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Come on, let me
lend you a little money

until this thing blows over.

Whoa, clam up.

Until what blows over?

Nothing. Nothing's blowing over.

-My paycheck bounced. -What?

Sorry, Dick. She wore me down.

Joanna, it's a bank error.



Just tell me how much
you need, and it's yours.

George...

Uh, uh, 25,000 dollars.

Gee, Dick, that's almost
half of what I have.

But you are my best friend.

Ho... Hold it.

George, are you saying

you could write a
check for 25,000 dollars,

and I could take it to the
bank, and they would cash it?

Sure. I wouldn't
write you a check

that wasn't any good, Dick.

George, where did you
get that kind of money?

Well, sort of from you guys.

Geez, I bled ya dry, didn't I?

George, you couldn't possibly
have saved 50,000 dollars

from what we pay you.

Well, my father left me some,

and my room and
board here is free.

The only thing that costs me
money is my Beaver Lodge dues

and my Tool of the Month club.

Of course, now that
I'm out the 25 grand,

I guess I'll have to give up
the Tool of the Month club.

Next month was
gonna be a ratchet.

Honestly, George, we
don't need your money.

George, we're in good shape.

Not... Not as good
as you are, but...

We're... we're doing fine.

Well, that's...
that's great to hear.

I guess I'll get to work.

I've got a door to paint,

a banister to sand
and a check to repair.

Boing! Boing! Boing!

Stephanie, that
paycheck is good.

That's not what I heard.

I just got off the
phone with the bank.

They said it was their
error. The check will clear.

Oh, good.

Would it be possible for me to
be paid in cash from now on?

No.

-Michael! -Hold that thought.

Why, Dick, you...
you look a little drawn.

In fact, I'd say
a bit overdrawn.

Oh, cupcake, uh, photo
session this Friday at 6:00.

Perfect.

Early evening is one of
my five best times of day.

Didn't you two get your
pictures taken last month?

Joanna, you'd get your
picture taken a lot too

if you looked like this.

Michael, I'm in the mood.

Let's go upstairs and
practice posing in the mirror.

Race you.

Uh, I'm done
refinishing the banister.

It passed the
sliding test, Dick.

George, d... don't you
think you're a little old

to be sliding down banisters?

I ran my hand along it, Dick.

You know, George, I've, uh...
I've been thinking about that,

uh, 50,000 dollars of yours.

Instead of just having
it sit in the bank,

maybe you should
invest some of it.

Oh, no, Dick.

My father invested in
the stock market once.

1929.

We never saw that
10 dollars again.

George, that was just a fluke.

1929 was the biggest
stock market crash in history.

To date.

George... We Utleys have
always been poor, Dick.

When I was little,

and all the other kids went
down to the nickel movies,

I had to play by myself
down at Vickers Park.

After the show, a couple of
my friends would come back

and act out the movie for me.

When I finally got to see
some of those movies,

I was disappointed.

I mean, to me... to me, Johnny
Blinko was Scarlett O'Hara.

But... But George, I mean,
you have money now.

You should go out
and... And enjoy it.

I can't think of
anything I really need.

Yeah, but half the fun of having
money is... is spending it on...

On things you don't need.

What's the other half?

The...

The... the point is, George,

I... I can't tell you how
many happy times I've had

buying things that...
that... That I didn't need.

It, uh... You... you see
this pen? I... I didn't need it.

I mean, you should... You
should go out and treat yourself.

You know, go out and do
something a... a little crazy.

Gee, Dick, I could
never be as crazy as you.

Well, George, you...

You don't have to shoot
for the moon right off.

I'll tell you what, we'll...
We'll go into town,

we... we'll hit the stores,
and we'll do some shopping.

Uh, okay, if you
think we should.

I wanna buy some gum anyway.

George, you've got to
find something in here.

Hey, what a great-looking ball.

There you go.

We sure could have a
neat game of catch with this.

No, you... You... you
don't throw it, George.

Oh.

-Can I bounce it? -N... no, no.

Just put it on the floor.

Oh.

-Do I kick it? -No, no.

You'd... you'd break it.

Well, so far this is the
worst ball I've ever seen.

Watch this, George.

What do you think, George?

Kinda scary, Dick.

Oh, George, here's...

Here's something
that'd be perfect for you.

Does it move?

No. No, it's an
electronic memo minder.

Keep track of all
your appointments.

Oh, neat.

What appointments, Dick?

George, everybody
has appointments.

Well, I do have a Beaver
meeting every Thursday.

But as you see, I
remembered that.

Dick, can we go home yet?

We've been to eight stores, and
I'm about shopping spree'd out.

Technically, it isn't a spree

until you've bought
at least one item.

Well, okay, Dick. What
does this blue thing do?

Oh, that's a... a
biofeedback machine.

You'll love this, George.

Just, uh, put your
fingers in there.

And as I relax, the
pitch will go down.

Well, I mean, who
can relax with this...

This darn nuclear thing
hanging over our heads?

Hey, I kinda like this.

Finally.

Oh, great, it's only
200 dollars, George.

Wow, I... I don't think I've
ever heard it go that high before.

Hey... Hey, aren't you Dick
Loudon from Vermont Today?

I, uh... I guess I am.

You're the talk of the town.

So you'll understand that
any purchases you make today

will have to be cash only.

Wow.

I guess I don't have to
ask how the shopping went.

I'll go out and get
the rest of the stuff.

There's more?

You really got
George to loosen up.

Sort of, yeah.

Sort of?

Yeah, well, sort of all...
all of these are mine.

Well, I was... I was simply
trying to show George

how to spend money
by... by example.

Well, while you were
busy buying Vermont,

did you happen to
remember your wife?

Sure. Sure, I did. I... I...

I got you this, um... Ah.

Electronic memo minder.

Oh, it's wonderful, honey.

This will exchange
up real nicely.

How are you, Dick?

Fine, JJ.

You know, Dick, I know you
and I have had our differences,

but down at the station we
like to think of ourselves as,

well, one big family.

We do?

Yeah, I... I guess you're sort
of like the father of our family.

Maybe because you're
kind of older, a bit bossy,

not as fun-loving
as the rest of us.

Anyway, word is
you and the missus

are pretty close to living
out of a shopping cart.

So everyone down at the
station took up a collection

and bought you some groceries.

Here you go. Enjoy.
And remember: ration.

JJ...

We're not on the skids.

I know you're a proud man, Dick,

and you probably have
your own way out of this,

but before you start going
after the neighbourhood pets...

JJ, take it back.

Uh, Dick, do you want me to
put your home laser light show

with the rest of your stuff?

That... That'll be fine, George.

Well... it's good to know
our charity won't go to waste

on a man without a
brand-new laser light show.

Geez, no wonder you're broke.

It's a sickness. Get help.

More?

George is never
gonna learn how to shop

if there's nothing
on Earth left to buy.

Well, George... Uh,
George bought something.

Oh, yeah? What?

Cable-ready TV monitor.
80 watt FM receiver.

Multi-disc CD player.

Linear tracking
programmable turntable.

Honey, we'd
better get outta here

so George can read the manual

and learn how to
do things like this.

Oh, boy.

We didn't even stop off for gum.

Whoo, new suit.

Hey, what else?

George, it's nice of you
to take us out to dinner,

but LeClec is very expensive.

Oh, it's okay, Joanna.

I've decided Dick's right,
and I should live a little.

Besides, after about 1,400
meals here, I figure I owe you one.

But, George, are you sure
you're comfortable with all this?

At first, it felt a little strange
spending so much money,

but Dick told me I'd warm
up to it, and I think I am.

Would you like a new pair of
earrings to go with that dress?

That's okay, George.
Dinner will be fine.

Here I come.

Ready for another
Stephanie/Michael portrait.

Every picture frame's
dream come true.

Oh, George.

I heard you have money and
don't know how to spend it.

Well, I'm here to help.

I'm a perfect size 3, and
my best color is peach.

Stephanie, George is not
going to buy you clothes.

Okay, accessories
are just as good.

Stephanie.

Boy, you try to be giving.

Hi, Steph.

Say "Brie".

I don't know if I
can muster a smile.

What's wrong, sweetcakes?

Joanna says George can never
buy me another thing ever ever again

as long as I live.

Well, I'm ready. Let's
strap on the feedbag.

Whoa, it seems we've got
some fashion competition here.

Even George is going
plaidless. What's up?

George invited us
to dinner at LeClec.

Oh, great.

No gifts for Steph, but
high-priced yum-yums for them.

That's fair.

Well, you could
join us for yum-yums

if that means you
wanna eat with us.

No, no, they can't.

They have a... a
pressing photo session.

Oh, no problem. That
shutterbug can wait.

We'll photograph even better

in the afterglow of
an expensive meal.

It could cheer me up.

Good news, George. We'll come.

Michael, don't try to weasel
your way into a free meal.

It's a great idea, Dick.

It's another chance for me
to spend even more money.

That's what we're after, right?

You sure that guy works
for the restaurant, Dick?

George, you'll get your
car back when we leave.

Good evening. Do
you have a reservation?

Uh, yes. George Utley.

Utley. Utley.

Thank you.

Madame.

Michael, do you see what I see?

I'll take care of it.

Hey, is that who I think it is?

Thank you, Michael.

Bonsoir. I am your
maitre 'd, Charles.

My name is
George, and this is...

Joanna.

And, uh... Stephanie.

Michael.

George, you don't
have to... Uh, Dick.

And your head
waiter will be Thomas.

Wow!

How do people in
France afford to eat?

But I'm glad I'm here.

-Thomas? -No.

I'm Neil.

Thomas?

John.

Would you care to
begin with a little wine?

Thomas?

Elton, your wine steward.

Now, where the heck is Thomas?

Uh, bring us a bottle of
your best, and keep it flowing.

Michael, we're not spending all
of George's money in one gulp.

Hey, Dick, loosen up.

Bring me a bottle and
keep the rolls flowing too.

George, that could be a
100-dollar bottle of wine.

Boy, we're really living
tonight, aren't we, Dick?

Good evening. I am Thomas.

I am told there is
some rush to order here.

Geez, he doesn't look
at all like I pictured.

This evening the
spécialité de la maison

is Chateaubriand Bouquetiere
with Chanterelle mushrooms

and skewered
vegetables de Robichaud.

Mm, that sounds good. Is
that okay with everybody?

I love a good Chateaubriand.

Um, would...
would it be possible

to get a salad with...
With the special?

Oh, yes, monsieur.

We have a very
nice endive salad.

Of course, uh,
that would be extra.

Endive?

Um, I... I think I'll... I'll
stick with the French stuff.

Good choice, monsieur.

The French stuff
is very good tonight.

George, this is really lovely.

Thank you for taking us
out for such a nice evening.

Hey, I'm having a great time.

And I really wanna thank Dick

for showing me my
new better way of life.

Well, you're... you're
welcome, George.

Gee, that salad
really looks good.

I think I'll order one.

A salad?

You're ordering a salad?
What's the matter, Dick?

A special isn't enough for you?

Please, Dick. You're
causing a scene.

Uh, uh, George, you know,

I don't have to...
to order the salad.

Oh, sure.

Wait and go nuts
on the dessert tray.

George.

Michael.

Everyone's looking at
me, and for bad reasons.

Probleme, monsieur?

Uh, my... my friend had
a... had a, uh, salad tantrum.

Oh, I'm sorry, monsieur.
The order has already gone in.

You will have to settle
your bill before running out.

All right. How...
How much is it?

I'm sorry, monsieur.

We are not able
to accept the check.

It's all right. I have
two pieces of ID.

That is the problem,
monsieur Loudon.

We know who you are.

Michael, this one is on you.

Um, wait, we... we
shouldn't have to pay for this.

We had a verbal
agreement with those people.

I'm sorry, monsieur.
That is not legally binding.

Okay.

We'll pay for the food,
but there's no reason

we should have to pay
for that 100-dollar bottle...

Come in.

Well, I... I guess I
still owe you a meal.

Forget it, George.

Well, I guess I owe
you an explanation, too.

No, no. No, you don't.

Of course, I... I couldn't
help wondering...

I'm sorry, Dick, I tried to
enjoy spending money,

but it doesn't make me
happy the way it does you.

It sorta makes me crazy.

I guess I'm just
screwed up, huh, Dick?

You're... You're okay, George.

I mean, as bizarre
as it may sound,

you just weren't cut
out for a life of excess.

But everyone told me I
should spend my money

if I wanted to be happy.

Everybody was wrong.

That was mainly you, Dick.

Well, then, then, I was wrong.

Come on, Dick.
You're never wrong.

I was wrong about this.

Who'd have thought you'd
ever be wrong about anything?

There's a first
time for everything.

Gosh. Dick Loudon was wrong.

All right.

The... the... the point is,

that it... it's all right
to... To not spend money

if... if there's absolutely
nothing that... that you want.

Well, actually, there's
something I sorta want,

but it's kinda silly.

Well, nothing you really want
could... could be silly, George.

I want a jungle gym, Dick.

You... you might wanna
keep that to yourself, George.

It's not for me, Dick.

It's for the playground
at Vickers Park.

All the equipment's
rusted and falling apart.

I thought it'd be
nice for the kids

to have it all shiny and
new, like when I was little.

Maybe they could
even have a stage

where they could
act out the movies.

George, I... I think that's a...
a great use for your money.

Gee, Dick, but
you're always wrong.

I... I'm not wrong about this.

Great. I finally got
what I really want.

And this.

But, George, most of
them are... are in boxes.

We can return 'em tomorrow.

The home entertainment
center isn't in a box, Dick.

You know, uh... You
know, George, since...

I mean, since it is
partially my fault that you...

You bought this,

um, you know, it's only...
Only... only fair that, um,

I take this state of the
art baby off your hands.

Gosh, you're the best.

Gee, Dick, does it
have to be a check?

Should old
acquaintance be forgot

Dick! Joanna!

Dick! Joanna!

Dick! Joanna!

What's this?

It's a miracle, Joanna.

Should old
acquaintance be forgot

And days of auld lang syne

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry I got
mad at you before,

but everyone made me
realize, it wasn't you talking,

it was the disease.

The whole town got together
and took up a collection

to help you in
your time of need.

To Dick Loudon, the
richest man in town.

Should old acquaintance
be forgot and...

Wait, will you...
will you... will stop?

And listen to me. This...

This is all very nice of you,

but... but we have
money, lots of money.

We don't... We don't
need any of yours.

So... so please, take this and...
And... and go back to your homes.

Okay. Have it your way.

Just better hope you'll
never need our help... Dick.