Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 11 - Pillow Fight - full transcript

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]

I QUIT. I CAN'T WRITE THIS BOOK

ON MAKING PILLOWS.

I'M OUT OF PATIENCE,
I'M OUT OF TIME,

AND IF I INHALE
ONE MORE FEATHER,

I'M GONNA OFFICIALLY
QUALIFY AS A MATTRESS.

CALM DOWN AND TELL
ME WHAT HAPPENED.

IT EXPLODED, AGAIN.

- I'M GOING DOWN TO O'SHEA'S.
- DICK.

NO TELLING WHAT
TIME I'LL BE BACK.

DICK, IT'S NOT EVEN NOON.



JOANNA, DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.

I NEED A MILKSHAKE.

DICK, COME ON. YOU'VE NEVER
GIVEN UP ON A BOOK BEFORE.

THAT'S BECAUSE MY OTHER BOOKS
WERE ABOUT THINGS I KNEW ABOUT.

GUY STUFF. LUMBER,
STEEL, BRICKS.

NOT THINGS THAT
CAN FLY UP YOUR NOSE.

HONEY, I SEW
PILLOWS ALL THE TIME.

LET'S GO SIT DOWN,
AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW.

OKAY, BUT IF THIS DOESN'T WORK,
I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO O'SHEA'S

AND DRINK MYSELF
UNDER THE PLASTIC CLOWN.

HI, I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER DARYL,

- AND THIS IS MY OTHER...
- WE KNOW, LARRY.

WHAT... WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?



TERMITES HAVE
INFESTED OUR DOMICILE.

THAT'S AWFUL.

HAVE YOU CALLED AN EXTERMINATOR?

YEAH, HE'S FUMIGATING MONDAY.

THE SAD THING IS, IN ORDER
TO GET RID OF THE TERMITES,

HE HAS TO KILL THE SILVERFISH.

THERE'S... THERE'S SO
MUCH SENSELESS SLAUGHTER.

ANYWAY, AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO,

THEY WON'T LET US STAY
DURING THE GASSING.

SO WE'VE COME OVER TO PREVAIL
ON YOU FOR A RESERVATION.

YOU... YOU WANT TO STAY HERE?

BASEMENT'LL BE FINE.

LARRY, THE BASEMENT

IS DARK AND DAMP
AND FULL OF MILDEW.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL US.

FELLAS, THE BASEMENT
IS NOT AVAILABLE.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY A ROOM?

OKAY. SEE YOU NEXT MONDAY.

TOLD YOU WE SHOULD'VE
MADE RESERVATIONS EARLIER.

HERE. I FINISHED A FEW PILLOWS.

AW, THANKS... THANKS, HONEY,

FOR BEING SUCH A BIG
HELP ALL THIS WEEK.

WOW, YOU'RE UP TO
PAGE 68. THAT'S GREAT.

HERE IT COMES.

DO YOU WANNA DO IT THIS TIME?

OH, COULD I?

♪ DOOP DOOP DOO-DOO ♪

HAH, THAT IS FUN.

WELL, YOU EARNED
IT. I NEVER COULD'VE

FINISHED THIS BOOK
WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

OH.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD...

I SHOULD PUT YOUR
NAME ON THE BOOK, TOO.

OKAY.

OKAY WHAT?

OKAY, I ACCEPT.

I'D LOVE TO HAVE MY
NAME ON THE BOOK.

THANK YOU, HONEY.

THAT IS SO... YOU.

IT IS?

YES.

UNLESS YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT.

NO, OF COURSE... OF
COURSE I MEANT IT.

IF I DIDN'T MEAN IT,

I SHOULDN'T'VE SAID IT.

GEORGE, GUESS WHAT?

UH...

DICK'S GONNA SHARE
WRITING CREDIT WITH ME

- ON HIS BOOK!
- OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC!

THAT'S SO HIM.

- JOANNA...
- DICK, JOANNA JUST TOLD ME

THE GOOD NEWS. AND DON'T WORRY.

THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T
WRITE THIS BOOK BY YOURSELF

DOESN'T MAKE YOU
ANY SMALLER IN MY EYES.

IF ANYTHING, I THINK
THE SAME OF YOU.

THANKS, GEORGE.

HI, ALL. TAI AND RANDY ARE BACK.

DID YOU HAVE A
GOOD TIME SKATING?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

HOW COULD WE NOT HAVE A
GOOD TIME LOOKING THIS CUTE?

AND GOING LIKE THIS?

GUESS WHAT? DICK'S MAKING ME

CO-AUTHOR ON HIS BOOK!

OH. IS THAT EXCITING?

- YES.
- [STEPHANIE SQUEALS]

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT IS EXCITING.

THAT MEANS YOUR PICTURE
WILL BE IN THE BACK COVER.

I GUESS SO. WILL IT?

WELL, IF I DIDN'T WANT YOUR
FACE ON THE BACK COVER,

THEN I WOULDN'T PUT
YOUR NAME ON THE FRONT.

WHY, CONGRATS, JOANNA.
WHAT A PLUM FOR YOU.

DICK, WHAT A TOUCHING GESTURE.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- OH, I'LL GET THAT.

YOU'RE BURNED OUT, RIGHT?

- NO.
- WELL, GOOD, BECAUSE

I WOULDN'T WANT THIS
TEAMING UP BUSINESS

TO SPILL OVER INTO THE SHOW.

THERE'S NO BUDGET FOR A CO-HOST.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR A CO-HOST.

OR BUDGET.

MICHAEL, DO YOU WANNA
GO MAKE SOME COCOA?

YES, HE DOES.

YES, I DO.

DICK, I KNOW HOW IT
FEELS TO BE BURNT OUT.

THERE WAS A TIME IN
MY LIFE WHEN I THOUGHT

I'D NEVER OPEN ANOTHER DRAIN.

BUT, TO MAKE A LONG
STORY SHORT, I DID.

THAT WAS THE
PEOPLE IN ROOM FIVE.

THEY NEED MORE
TOWELS, AND THEY SAID

IT WAS VERY SWEET OF YOU

TO SHARE CREDIT
WITH ME ON THE BOOK.

HI, I'M LARRY.

PARTY OF THREE.

YES. WE KNOW, LARRY.

WE HAVE A ROOM READY FOR YOU.

UH, GUYS, WE DON'T...
WE DON'T ALLOW PETS.

HE AIN'T A PET. HE'S
OUR TRAVEL ALARM.

I'M SORRY. WE HAVE RULES.

TOO BAD.

DARYL, TAKE LONG JEANS
HERE OUT TO THE PORCH.

HERE'S YOUR KEY.
ENJOY YOUR STAY.

OKAY.

CONFIDENTIALLY, WE NEVER
STAYED AT AN INN BEFORE.

EXACTLY HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO COMPORT OURSELVES?

JUST THE WAY YOU WOULD AT HOME.

OUR HOME.

I GUESS WE COULD
GIVE IT A SHAKE.

I SUPPOSE THE POLITE THING
IS TO SAY HI TO THE NEIGHBORS.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

HI, I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER, DARYL...

LARRY!

ELLIOT, YOU'RE MY AGENT.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE SUPPORTIVE.

WELL, CALLING ME A
HAS-BEEN BURNOUT

IS NOT SUPPORTIVE.

THERE IS NO BEST
SENSE OF THAT PHRASE.

JOANNA IS NOT SLOWING ME DOWN.

THE BOOK'LL BE A FEW DAYS LATE.

ELLIOT, WHAT'S THAT STATIC?

ALKA-SELTZER.

WELL, LISTEN TO THIS.
THIS IS A DIAL TONE.

HI, HONEY.

I READ THE BOOK.

- WHAT'S THE VERDICT?
- OH, IT'S WONDERFUL.

AND THAT CHAPTER
ON MAKING PILLOWS

INTO INTERESTING
SHAPES IS SO CREATIVE.

WELL, I... WORKED
IN SOME GUY STUFF.

- DICK.
- WHAT?

OH. NOTHING. IT'S TOO SILLY.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN GO INTO IT.

NO, COME ON. YOUR
NAME'S ON IT, TOO.

WELL.

THIS LINE HERE.

"IF YOU AREN'T CAREFUL
WITH YOUR BASTE,

"THE STUFF IN YOUR PILLOW
COULD TURN OUT TO BE

A REAL TURKEY."

OH.

OH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

WELL, HOW DO YOU
WANT ME TO SAY IT?

"CAREFUL, BASTING AND
STUFFING ARE IMPORTANT?"

THAT'S MUCH CLEARER.

IT MIGHT EVEN BE FUNNIER.

NOW, THIS ONE HERE, ON PAGE 13.

IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO BE A JOKE, TOO?

HONEY, I WAS THINKING
THAT HERE, ON PAGE 73,

- WE COULD...
- YOU SKIPPED PAGE 72.

I LIKE 72.

I JUST HAVE A LITTLE
PROBLEM WITH THIS PEP TALK.

- PEP TALK?
- YEAH.

"IF YOU GET DISCOURAGED,
DON'T TAKE A POWTER.

- TAKE A BREAK."
- THAT'S A PHRASE I'VE USED

IN ALL MY BOOKS. IT'S
LIKE AN OLD FRIEND.

OLD FRIENDS CAN BE TIRESOME
IF THEY STAY TOO LONG.

AND IT'S AWFULLY PRECIOUS.

MY BOOKS ARE NOT PRECIOUS.

I DON'T WRITE "PRECIOUS."

THERE IS NOTHING
PRECIOUS ABOUT ME.

MAYBE I SHOULD COME BACK LATER

TO DISCUSS THE DEDICATION.

YOU HAVE NOTES
ON THE DEDICATION?

WELL, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D
BE DEDICATING THIS ONE TO ME.

BINGO.

I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SWEET

IF WE DEDICATED IT
TO MY AUNT LILLIAN.

THE ONE WHO TRIED TO KILL ME?

DICK, SHE'S A LONELY OLD WOMAN.

YOU WERE STEALING
HER FAVORITE NEICE,

AND THE LAWNMOWER
JUST GOT AWAY FROM HER.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO SAY? "TO LILLIAN.

THANKS FOR VEERING?"

WELL, YOU MAY NOT GET
ALONG WITH HER, BUT I LOVE HER.

SHE DIDN'T DIDN'T MOW YOU.

AND SHE'S NOT GOING IN THE BOOK.

THAT'S THE DUMBEST
THING YOU'VE SAID TONIGHT.

ARE YOU SAYING MY
SUGGESTIONS ARE DUMB?

BINGO.

WELL, THEN... TAKE MY
NAME OFF THE BOOK!

- NO.
- NO?

I PUT YOUR NAME ON
THE BOOK TO BE NICE,

AND IT'S GONNA STAY THERE
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.

WELL, YOU CAN TAKE
YOUR PILLOW BOOK AND...

STUFF IT.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE?

EXCUSE US. COULD WE
HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?

WHAT'S...

YOU TOLD US TO ACT
LIKE WE WAS AT HOME.

AND AT HOME WE WEAR
THESE TO BREAKFAST.

BUT UPON TAKING A VISUAL
POLL AROUND THE ROOM,

IT APPEARS THAT THESE
PEOPLE ARE WEARING

SOMETHING OVER THEIR DAINTIES.

YEAH, IT'S... IT'S A CUSTOM.

WE STUMBLED ON IT ONE DAY

AND JUST STUCK WITH IT.

WELL, IT WOULDA HELPED US

IF YOU'D OF LAID OUT
THE RULES MORE PLAINLY.

OR IS THIS SOME FORM OF HAZING

YOU DO TO THE NEW PEOPLE?

NO, AND IT MIGHT
BE BETTER FOR YOU...

AND FOR EVERYONE EATING

IF YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

MM-BOY.

CORN FLAKES AGAIN.

LIKE SOME TIRESOME OLD FRIEND.

WELL, WOULD YOU RATHER
EAT THESE OLD FRIENDS

OR WEAR THEM?

MORNING ALL.

WHAT A DAY.

OH BOY. CORN FLAKES.

NEVER GET ENOUGH OF THOSE.

UH, IF YOU DON'T MIND, DEAR,

COULD YOU POSSIBLY
PASS ME THE SUGAR?

CERTAINLY, DEAR.

BUT A SIMPLE "PLEASE
PASS THE SUGAR"

WOULD'VE BEEN LESS WORDY.

AND YOU WOULD'VE HAD
YOUR SUGAR SOONER.

UH, I COULD EAT
IN THE KITCHEN...

GEORGE, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE A REASONABLE MAN.

UH-OH.

NO, GEORGE.

WE JUST WANT YOUR
OPINION ON SOMETHING.

WHICH OF THESE TWO SENTENCES

DO YOU THINK IS BETTER?

"IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL WITH
YOUR BASTING AND STUFFING,

"YOUR PILLOW COULD TURN OUT

TO BE A REAL TURKEY."

OR.

"CAREFUL BASTING AND
STUFFING ARE IMPORTANT."

[GEORGE LAUGHS]

I LIKE THEM BOTH
EXACTLY THE SAME,

AND I WILL EAT IN THE KITCHEN.

JOANNA, HERE'S A LIST
OF PHOTOGRAPHERS

FOR YOUR BOOK COVER.

THE FIRST TEN ARE MY REGULARS.

THE OTHER NINE ARE JUST
JOCKEYING FOR MY BUSINESS.

OH, DICK. I HAVEN'T
FORGOTTEN THE BURNOUT CRISIS.

ON THE FLIP-SIDE,

HERE'S A LIST OF
CO-HOSTS WE CAN AFFORD.

THEY'RE ALL WILLING TO GO
HALFSIES ON YOUR SALARY.

I DO NOT HAVE A BURNOUT CRISIS.

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

THAT'S MY LIST OF
PHOTOGRAPHERS FOR THE COVER.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU
WANTED TO BE ON THE BOOK.

I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS
MAKING ME BE ON THE BOOK.

WHOA, LOOKS LIKE WE'VE
JUST STUMBLED INTO

AN EPISODE OF THE BICKERSONS.

YEAH, DICK AND JOANNA.

SOME PEOPLE IN THIS
ROOM ARE STILL IN LOVE.

LET'S TRY AND SET AN EXAMPLE
FOR THE NEXT GENERATION

OF GUYS AND DOLLS.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED.

YOU JUST DROVE
THEM OUT OF THE ROOM.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T WANNA

SHARE CREDIT FOR THAT.

SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF MY AUNT LILLIAN

DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA.

DICK! GREAT TO SEE YOU.
WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING?

ELLIOT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

THE PUBLISHER WANTS
PILLOW TALK NOW,

SO I CAME UP TO GET IT.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO DO THIS.

DICK, YOU'RE MY CLIENT.

I'M INVOLVED. I CARE.

AND THIS WAY, I CAN
WRITE OFF MY SKI WEEKEND.

SO HAND OVER THAT
LITTLE MONSTER.

I... I CAN'T.

MY COLLABORATOR
AND I ARE HAVING SOME...

ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES.

OH GOD, WELL NOW,
WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO?

ELLIOT, JOANNA AND
I WILL WORK IT OUT.

SHE JUST WANTS TO
MAKE A FEW CHANGES,

AND... I'D RATHER DIE FIRST.

DICK, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY
TOO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A
DISINTERESTED THIRD PARTY

TO READ THAT BOOK AND
THEN MAKE A FINAL DECISION.

ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING?

YO.

WELL, IT SURE WOULD
GET THIS OVER WITH.

I DON'T THINK JOANNA
WOULD GO ALONG WITH IT.

THE BEST I CAN
DO IS TALK TO HER.

ALL RIGHT, DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO.

BUT IF YOU HAVE ANY
PROBLEMS, JUST REMEMBER.

I CARE. I'M INVOLVED.

I'M LATE FOR THE SLOPES.

ELLIOT IS HERE. HE
WANTS THE BOOK.

FINE. GIVE IT TO HIM.

LOOK, I WANT TO BE FAIR.

HE OFFERED TO READ
THE BOOK AND DECIDE.

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR?

YOUR AGENT? YOUR FRIEND?

HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT I THINK.

ALL I EVER GET TO SAY TO HIM IS,

"I'M FI..."

YOU'RE FIE?

YES. HE SAYS, "HOW ARE YOU?"

I SAY, "I'M FI..."

AND HE'S ON TO SOMEONE ELSE.

THIS ISN'T AS BAD AS IT LOOKS.

I'VE KNOWN ELLIOT FOR 15 YEARS.

HE'D SELL ME DOWN
THE RIVER LIKE THAT.

AND THAT'S SUPPOSED
TO MAKE ME TRUST HIM?

YEAH, 'CAUSE HE'D SELL YOU
DOWN THE RIVER LIKE THAT, TOO.

AND THAT'S GOOD?

NO, BUT IT'S FAIR.

YOU HAVE A WAY WITH
GIBBERISH, YOU KNOW THAT?

OKAY, LET'S SHOW
HIM THE MANUSCRIPT.

I'LL GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET MY COPY.

MS. JOANNA.

LARRY. DARYL. DARYL.

YOU... YOU GUYS GOING BACK IN?

NO, SIR. WE AIN'T SHOWING
OUR FACES IN THAT ROOM AGAIN.

THEM FOLKS HAVE SEEN
US DOWN TO OUR ESSENCE.

I'M AFRAID THE EMBARRASSMENT
HAS SET DARYL BACK

A COUPLE OF YEARS.

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T
REALLY TAKE IT SO HARD.

OR YOU SHOULDN'T.

OH, GUYS.

ARE YOU GONNA BE OUT
OF YOUR ROOM FOR A WHILE?

I NEED TO GET IN THERE.

OKAY, MS. STEPHANIE,
BUT BE CAREFUL.

YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,
SOMEONE BUSTED INTO OUR ROOM

WHILE WE WAS OUT.

THEY LEFT TINY BARS
OF SOAP EVERYWHERE.

AND WRAPPED ALL OUR
DRINKING GLASSES IN PAPER.

IT APPEARS TO BE ONE OF
THEM SENSELESS CRIMES.

LARRY. YOU SILLY.

THAT WAS ME.

AS MUCH AS I HATE
IT, THAT'S MY JOB.

OH, MS. STEPHANIE,
FORGIVE US TO BITS.

YOU CAN BUST IN AND
PAPER OUR GLASSES ANYTIME.

THANK YOU.

UH, GUYS?

WE... WE PREFER YOU
DIDN'T WHITTLE IN HERE.

DID YOU EVER CONSIDER
POSTING ALL THESE RULES?

WELL, THERE ARE PLENTY OF
OTHER THINGS TO DO AROUND HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU PLAY A GAME?

GEORGE, WHY DON'T
YOU SHOW THE GUYS

HOW TO PLAY MONOPOLY?

SURE THING.

WELL. I'M OFF TO THE SLOPES.

NICE PAINT JOB.

OKAY. HERE IT IS.

JOANNA, HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M FI...
- WELL, DICK!

GOTTA SKI-DADDLE.

UH, ELLIOT. JOANNA
AND I HAVE DECIDED

TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER.

HERE'S DICK'S MANUSCRIPT
WITH MY CHANGES.

GREAT. I'LL READ
IT WHEN I GET BACK.

OH, AND, UH... IF THIS
SUIT DOES ITS JOB,

I MAY HAVE A FEMALE FRIEND

TO HELP ME TURN THE PAGES.

ELLIOT, READ IT NOW.

YOU MAY BE TOO DEPRESSED
AT THE END OF THE DAY.

OKAY. LET ME SEE THAT THING.

WELL, IF THE FIRST
PAGE IS ANY INDICATION,

YOUR VERSION HAS
MORE FLOW, DICK.

ELLIOT, READ THE WHOLE
BOOK AND BE IMPARTIAL.

IMPARTIAL. GOTCHA.

WHEN I SAY "IMPARTIAL,"
I MEAN IMPARTIAL.

RIGHT, DICK.

ELLIOT, WHERE ARE
YOUR DAMN EARS?

LISTEN TO ME. WE WANT A FAIR,

UNBIASED READING OF THE BOOK.

WELL, IF YOU MEAN IT, DICK,

I'M GONNA NEED
SOME ALKA-SELTZER.

THERE'S SOME IN THERE.

WHAT ABOUT WATER?

ROUGH IT.

FREE PARKING.

BORING.

I'M GONNA GO GET US SOME SODAS.

IT'S YOUR MOVE, FELLAS.

CHANCE.

"TAKE A RIDE ON THE
REDDING RAILROAD."

- DICK?
- HMM?

NO MATTER HOW
THIS THING TURNS OUT,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
WHAT YOU DID WITH ELLIOT

WAS PRECIOUS.

DON'T START UP WITH ME.

NO, NO. GOOD PRECIOUS.

YOU MADE HIM BE IMPARTIAL.

WELL, YOU RAISED
SOME POINTS THAT...

DESERVED TO BE
CONSIDERED FAIRLY.

SOME.

OH, MAYBE I DID GET A
LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.

BUT... WHEN YOU PUT
MY NAME ON THE BOOK,

IT MADE ME WANT TO
LEAVE MY MARK ON IT.

YOU LEFT YOUR MARK
ON EVERY PAGE BUT 72.

- DON'T START UP WITH ME.
- OKAY, OKAY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

MAYBE WHAT WE SHOULD
DO IS DEDICATE THE BOOK

TO SOMEONE WE CAN BOTH AGREE ON.

WHAT ABOUT MY COUSIN EDITH?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU
DON'T LIKE HER EITHER.

NO, EDITH'S ALL RIGHT.

SHE SMELLS FUNNY, BUT...

AT LEAST SHE'S NOT AN ASSASSIN.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE
TO READ ANY FURTHER.

I HAVE REAL PROBLEMS
HERE ON PAGE 8.

- ELLIOT...
- COME ON, COME ON.

LET'S SAVE THIS BABY.

NOW, THE PUBLISHER
SAID HE WANTED

A SIMPLE BOOK ON PILLOWS.

WHY ARE YOU COMPLICATING IT

WITH ALL THIS CREATIVE CRUD?

PILLOW HANDSAWS?

PILLOW POWER-DRILLS?

GET REAL.

ELLIOT, THAT'S THE ONE THING

THAT JOANNA AND I
ALWAYS AGREED ON.

- YEAH.
- WELL, SURE,
YOU LOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

BUT SEE HOW EASY IT LIFTS UP?

SO MUCH FOR CREATIVITY.

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]