Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 6 - No Tigers at the Circus - full transcript

Milkman!

- That's just a little joke.
- A real good one, Mr. Tilford.

Yeah. Well, there's your milk.

Oh, look at this.

It's just research material. I'm starting
a new series on American travel books.

You mean like Amazing Arkansas.

- You know my work.
- Yeah.

I picked up a copy of that down
at Stedman's bookstore just the other day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

How'd you like it?

Well, Mr. Stedman had to sign
for a certified letter.



We needed something hard for him
to write on, so we used your book.

-1 liked it fine.
- Good.

Thanks. Oh, look at this.

It's photographs for my new book.
I'm still at the title stage.

I'm thinking of calling it
Captivating Kansas.

Or maybe Colossal Kansas.

Why not just Boring Kansas?

Well, see, that's why I'm writing the book.
'Cause I think Kansas can be

just as captivating and colossal
as Arkansas can be amazing.

Look at this. The eloquent symbol
of the American heartland,

the old red barn.

- And this one.
- The old brown cow.

- You're having fun with me, aren't you?
- Maybe. Maybe not.

I'd say you got your work cut out for you.



The mail came, huh? Anything special?

- My research stuff on Kansas.
- You mean, Captivating Kansas?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Oh, Dick, you know you're always worried
when you start a project.

It doesn't take long before you're into it

and you're just brimming
with enthusiasm.

Yahoo!

Don't force it, honey.
Just let it come naturally.

No, a few weeks ago,
I mailed off an enquiry to have

the Stratford declared
a historical landmark.

You know, just on a whim,
and apparently I impressed them.

They're gonna send some inspectors
next week to see if we qualify.

- Well, that's wonderful.
- Yeah. It's like a whim come true.

Gee, it'd be great if we did qualify,

but to me an historic landmark
is someplace important.

You know, like the Alamo.

Well, the rules state, a landmark

is a structure that is architecturally
or historically unique.

Nowhere in the rules does it say
that Davy Crockett had to die in it.

You're saying we're historically
and architecturally unique?

I'm not saying it, we are.
And I'm sure the inspectors will agree.

What inspectors?

The ones that are coming to see
if we qualify as a historic landmark.

Really? What an honor. You know,
that's very rare and very unusual.

They give you a plaque
to commemorate that and everything.

How do you know that?

My family's home in Rhode Island has one.

- Oh, how did it qualify?
- It's my family's home.

(TYPING)

(PAPER RUSTLING)

Boy, it sounds like you've really
been working hard in there.

Well, I figured I better get started.
How does this sound?

"Behold a tribute to the indomitable
and creative spirit of man, the builder.”

That sounds impressive,
but what's it got to do with Kansas?

Nothing. It's the inscription for our plaque.

Honey, I know you're excited about this,
but the inspectors aren't even here yet,

and the deadline for your book
is just a few weeks away.

So I'll miss the deadline.
What's the worst that could happen?

They could cancel your contract.
You'll never work again.

You'll start to drink, probably end up
on skid row with a bottle of wine

and a two-bit bimbo.

It's all right with me,
but would you be happy?

- They didn't come yet, did they?
- Not till this afternoon.

Good. Help me hang this over the hearth.

- What is that, George?
- It's a gun, Dick.

No, I know that. Why do you have it?

I thought the inn would look
more authentic

with a musket hanging over the hearth.

But that's exactly what
we don't wanna do.

I mean, if the inspectors think
we're faking up the inn, we're finished.

Look, I have to write a book.

Just take that phony prop
back to wherever you got it from.

I got it from the basement.
This used to hang over the hearth.

Where's Dick? Big secret. His ears only.

- He can't be disturbed.
- Okay, I'll tell you.

I'm naming a sandwich in honor
of the Stratford becoming a landmark.

- I'm calling it "The Landmark."
- Catchy.

How do you think Dick would feel
about one genuine oil lantern?

- The same way he felt about the musket.
- You're supposed to be working.

I know. But every time I start writing
about Kansas, it comes out plaques.

Great news, Dick. In your honor,
I'm renaming our grilled cheese sandwich

“The Landmark."

That's exactly the look
I was hoping to get.

Guys, don't you think you're getting
a little carried away with this?

You bet.
The Stratford becoming a landmark

is about the biggest thing
that's ever happened around here.

I don't mind telling you,
I'm gonna walk a little taller.

Well, I don't think it's gonna make
that big a difference.

Well, Joanna's right.
I mean, nothing's gonna change.

We're still gonna be the same people,
this is still gonna be the same inn,

we're just gonna have a plaque
over the door

that says
we're better than everybody else.

- That's assuming we're approved.
- We're going to be approved.

All I'm saying is if we aren't approved,
it's not the end of the world.

See, that's the sort of thing you say
to prepare someone

who's not going to be approved.

Are you saying we're not
going to be declared a landmark?

- Is that what you're trying to say?
- Well... No.

I'm just saying that
whether we're approved or not,

you can't let it consume your lives.

You know, she's right.

Il mean, time can't stop to wait
for a bunch of inspectors to get here.

I mean, George,
I know you have work to do.

Kirk, you have a café to run.

I think we should all just do
what we have to do.

Good. Where are you going?

I'm going to wait in the driveway
for the inspectors.

- George, how's it going?
- I'm a little hurt.

- What's the matter?
- Dick's out there with the inspectors.

He told them the back fence
hadn't been painted in 200 years.

- So?
- Who do you think they're gonna blame?

It's not fair. It's only been 30 years.

I don't know who didn't paint it
before that. Some layabout.

George, that wasn't a reflection on you.

Dick just wants to impress them
with how authentic everything is.

I just hope he's not laying it on too thick.

Welcome to the 18th century.

- This is my wife, Joanna.
- Hello.

- Mr. Kenwood.
- Hello.

- And Ms. Fletcher.
- How do you do?

So nice to meet you.

And of course,
I can't forget our caretaker, George.

Hello.

- How you doing?
- I'm a little hurt.

Well, I think the inn can speak for itself.

You don't need me to point out
the meticulous adherence to detail,

the classic colonial design.

I'm sorry, it's just a great inn.

- It certainly is.
- Write it down.

Mahogany staircase.

Solid.

Look up.

Crown moldings, incredible craftsmanship,

every detail hand-tooled.

- Dick, take it easy.
- You're right. All right, no more talking.

Good.

(WHISTLING YANKEE DOODLE)

(WHISTLING HALTINGLY)

(QUICKLY WHISTLING
END OF TUNE)

I'm sorry. I'm proud.
I love this place, and...

I know it's clearly landmark caliber
if only for the fact

-that James Madison once stayed here.
- No.

-1 beg your pardon?
- Madison never stayed here.

- Yes, he did.
- No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

Mr. Loudon, history tells us that

Madison never went further north
than New York.

History is wrong.

Mr. Loudon, trust us. He was never here.

Well, he missed a great place.

The stone in the natural fireplace
is from the quarry. It was built...

- I'm acting like a jerk.
- Honey, you just have to relax.

Il know, ll just... l want it so much.

But, Dick,
those inspectors are professionals.

Now, they're not going to disqualify
the inn just because you're a jerk.

- Mr. Loudon.
- I almost forgot you were here.

We can't thank you enough for bringing
this beautiful inn to our attention.

You must be very proud of it.

It's very lovely, very charming,
very authentic.

It's a shame it's so ordinary.

- What?
- Mr. Loudon, as you know,

New England boasts
hundreds of colonial inns,

of which this is a shining example.

However, it lacks some
special outstanding quality

that would raise it above the rest.

It's a beautiful inn. It's just not unique.

But that doesn't mean that

it can't still be deeply treasured
and richly appreciated.

- It's a jewel.
- God bless you.

Thank you for your kind words
and your time.

Naturally, we're a little disappointed,

but we both appreciate your integrity
and your commitment to your work.

And we feel ourselves honored
just to have been considered.

- Right, Dick?
- Get out.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Dick?

Dick? Dick?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I didn't hear you. I was working.

You're watching television.

I'm taking a break.
It's my favorite program.

(THE BOB NEWHART SHOW
THEME PLAYING)

Your favorite program is reruns?

Dick, you know,
I'm getting a little concerned about you.

Now, I know you're upset about this place
not becoming a landmark,

but it's been a week now
and something's not right.

- I don't know what you mean.
- I mean you're not writing.

- I'm writing.
-"Kansas is our 34th state.”

Are you saying it's not?

You won't admit you're depressed,
will you?

I'm fine.
I mean, all writers have little dry periods.

Il mean, ll can't see that I'm behaving
any differently than I ever have.

- You haven't shaved.
- haven't shaved, yet.

And how come all of a sudden you're
spending the entire day in your slippers?

-1 like my slippers.
- You never liked them before.

When you were sick,
you refused to wear them.

I was a fool.

I mean, is that it? That's all you've got
on me, slippers and shaving?

No. Dick, ever since we moved here,

the first thing that you do every morning
is race outside to look at your inn.

You touch the walls lovingly,
you'd smell the flowers in the garden.

I even saw you hug a tree.
Now, suddenly that's over.

It's like you blame the inn
for not being a landmark.

Joanna, it would be ridiculous
to blame the inn, and I don't. It's just...

- I don't like it anymore.
- What?

Well, I wanna like it but I don't.

It's like when I was six years old,

my folks promised
to take me to the circus.

And they got me real excited, you know.
They told me about the clowns

and the jugglers and the trapeze artists
and the trained tigers,

until I couldn't wait.
And when we got there, it was wonderful.

Except for one thing.
There were no trained tigers.

They were dropped
because they'd eaten the trainer.

I was crushed. I felt cheated.

The whole drive home I kept saying,
"I want tigers! I want tigers!"

Until my dad threatened
to feed me to the tigers.

See, no matter how great
everything else was,

the evening was ruined
because there were no tigers at the circus.

- That was a pretty childish attitude.
-1 was a child.

Okay, but you're acting
the same way now.

You're turning your back on this beautiful
inn just because it's not a landmark.

Il know. ll can't help it.
Il mean, that's the way I feel.

And maybe I'll get over it.
I mean, I got over the circus.

I don't know. You're still talking about it.

You're right. I'm doomed.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Go away! I'm doomed.

Yes, Leslie?

- A couple just came in. They'd like a room.
- Oh, good.

You take care of it, Joanna. I'm busy.

No, Dick. I think you should take care of it.
I think it would be good for you.

Fine, and when I'm through, you can
take me outside and sit me in the sun.

- Where are they?
- They're right there.

Hi. We'd like a room.

Hey. 25 bucks.

- It's a beautiful inn.
- In that case, 35 bucks.

- Is this with a bath?
- We have rooms.

We have rooms with a bath.
Just tell me what you want.

- With a bath.
-45 bucks.

- Excuse me, how old is this inn?
- Old. Inns are old.

There certainly are some beautiful ones
around here.

Oh, there are some spectacular inns
around here,

inns that would make our place
look like an outhouse.

- Unfortunately, you're staying here.
- Dick!

Hello. What is going on out here?

Nothing. These people are trying
to tell me what a nice place this is

when I know it's a dung heap!

No, I'm not really worried. It's just that
he's never done anything like this before.

So if he stops by the Minuteman Café,
would you let me know, Kirk?

Okay, thanks. I appreciate it. Bye.

Oh, Leslie, have you seen Dick?

Not since he insulted the guests
this morning. Why?

Well, I don't understand it. He's been gone
all afternoon. You know, this isn't like him.

He didn't say where he was going.

It's just not like him
to do something like this.

You're right. That is odd.

Well, I drove all over town,
and I can't find him.

Thanks for trying, George.

I did find that button he lost off his jacket.

- Boy, you really did look, didn't you?
- It was on the front seat of my truck.

- This is all my fault.
- It was just a button.

No, no, George.
I mean, it's my fault that he's missing.

He was devastated when this place
wasn't made a landmark,

and ll just ignored it.

Oh, Joanna, don't blame yourself.
How could you have known?

See, that's just it. I should've known.

He told me this whole story
about the circus

and how disappointed he was one time.

I should've seen how important
the connection was.

Dick's a very complex man.

That may be,
but he's also a very rational man.

What's the worst that could happen?

- He could never come back.
- Look, I know this is hard,

but I think the best thing we can do
right now is just sit tight and stay calm.

- Right.
- Right.

- Have you called the hospitals?
- Kirk!

We're trying to stay calm.

Boy, it's something, isn't it?

You think you know a guy
and then one day, boom!

He disappears in his slippers.

- And I didn't do anything to stop him.
- It's not only you, Joanna.

Il saw that he was depressed,
and ll didn't do anything either.

I knew I should've painted that fence.

I guess I'm the only one without blame.

I just wish I could do something
to help him.

I know one thing. When a problem's
this deep-rooted, there's no easy answer.

God, you're wise and cute.

All I know is,
I would give anything in the world

if I could just hear his car pulling
into that driveway, right now.

(CAR ENGINE RUNNING)

- Joanna.
- What?

I think that's the sound of his car
pulling into the driveway.

He's back! He's back! Dick!

KIRK: Dick's back.
LESLIE: I don't know.

KIRK: He's back.
JOANNA: Oh, honey.

KIRK: Yeah.
GEORGE: That's his car.

Honey? Joanna?

- There he is!
- Dick, freeze!

Oh, Dick, honey!

How long was I gone?

We have been out of our minds
worrying about you.

- You scared us to death.
- Thank God I was here.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not listening to you,
for not being there when you needed me.

I'm sorry for everything.
But where the hell were you?

Well, I felt I needed to get away and
find a place to be alone with my thoughts.

You won't believe this.
I found this great place.

It's this hill just outside of town
where you can just sit and think.

I don't know if you know
where I'm talking about.

You're talking about Thinking Hill.

Anyway, I was sitting there and thinking.
I mean, to tell you how badly I felt,

-1 considered doing something drastic.
- Not jumping.

- No, not jumping. I'm not crazy.
- Tell them.

You said you almost did
something drastic.

Well, I thought about selling the inn.

I mean, it was making me miserable,
so why not unload it?

And then I...

I saw this sort of vision.

We may be standing on hallowed ground.

I looked out and in the distance I saw
this place. It was perfect in every way.

The kind of place
I'd always wanted to have.

And then I realized that it wasn't a vision.
It was this place. ll mean, a home.

The place that I had lost my taste for
because it wasn't a landmark.

And then suddenly it hit me,
the answer to my whole problem.

So what?

What do you mean, "So what?”
I think it's great it came to you.

No, what came to me was, "So what?"

Come on, make sense, Dick.

Well, it's that simple.

Il mean, I came up here for a better life,
and ll have it.

I mean, it's not perfect, but so what?

The inn's not a landmark, but so what?

I mean, there were no tigers at the circus,
so what?

Can you see what ll mean? So what?

That's some revelation, Dick.

I'm sitting on 1,200 slices of Velveeta
and you're saying so what?

So long.

Let me get this straight.

You say the answer
to your problems was "so what?"

The answer to my problems
was letting go of my disappointment

and being happy with my life the way it is.

Good, 'cause I was worried
when you said, "So what?”

I just want you to know
that I'm glad you're back.

- Thanks, Leslie.
- I'll start supper.

Hey, Leslie. Did you understand
that part about the tigers?

- No.
- Me either.

But so what?

Joanna, you understand
what I'm talking about.

I think so. We all spend too much time
regretting what we don't have,

and not enough time
enjoying what we do have.

Exactly, and what we have here
is a really keen inn.

Welcome home, honey.

I'll help Leslie with supper.

Hi, how you doing?