Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 2 - Mrs. Newton's Body Lies A-Mould'ring in the Grave - full transcript
Dick and Joanna are horrified to discover a 300 year-old grave in their basement belonging to a woman who was hanged as a witch.
Yo, Joanna.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Where's Dick?
He's down in the basement with George.
They're looking at the furnace.
- Let me guess where you're going.
- Give up?
I'm taking Leslie to
the Dartmouth-Harvard football game.
It's the biggest game of the season.
Everyone goes.
They have picnics in the parking lots,
bands play, people make floats. It's great.
It's probably the major social event
of the entire year.
- That sounds wonderful.
- It is.
Leslie and I are really
looking forward to it.
Hey, Leslie, wanna go to the game?
- No, thanks. I have to study.
- Wanna buy a blanket?
Well, I think the best thing to do
is just buy a new furnace.
I mean, we need a bigger one anyway,
don't we?
A bigger one won't fit in that corner.
- Well, then put it in the southeast corner.
- That's where the stairs are.
- Well, then put it in the southwest corner.
- Then you'll put it on top of Mrs. Newton.
- Who?
- Mrs. Newton.
The lady who's buried in the basement.
There's a lady buried in our basement?
- You didn't know that?
- No.
Oh, well, sit down,
this may come as quite a shock.
-(STAMMERING) Joanna, did you hear this?
- JOANNA: What?
What would you say if ll told you
there was a body buried in our basement?
I'd say ick.
What would you say
if you weren't a college graduate?
- What are you talking about?
- He's talking about Sarah Newton.
The lady who's buried in your basement.
- Are you serious?
- Do you wanna see?
- I'd like to see it.
- Yeah.
Come on.
JOANNA: Ick.
Close the door.
George, how come you never told us
about this before?
Everyone in town knows the Stratford Inn
has a body in the basement.
How long has she been down there?
Must be close to 300 years.
Everyone in town knows that.
- Why is she down there?
- That, no one knows.
I can't understand why nobody told us
about this when we bought the place.
Well, maybe they did, and you just forgot.
I don't think so.
Dick. Dick, I'm not sure that ll can
live up here with her down there.
Honey, I think maybe you're just,
you know, overreacting.
I think in time you'll get used to her
being down there.
I mean, I'm down there all the time
and sometimes
I don't even know I'm walking on her.
Isn't there somebody
we can call about this?
Who?
Well, I don't know, but ll don't like the idea
of a body being under our bedroom.
Actually, it's not under your bedroom.
It's buried in the southwest corner,
which would put it under...
My study.
All right, let's not lose our heads
about this.
There is one person I can call.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHING)
Mom?
Dick? I picked up a couple of brochures
on some furnaces.
I thought you might wanna
take a look at them.
What's the difference?
Well, this one's in color.
No, I meant in the furnaces.
Well, this one here is made in Europe,
all foreign parts.
If it ever breaks down,
it could take weeks, maybe months to fix.
- And what about this one?
- That one's perfect.
- Then why don't we get this?
- It's $10 more.
Let's get it anyway.
First class. I like that.
Joanna, great news. Dick and I solved
the problem in the basement.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- We decided to put in a new furnace.
Top of the line.
What about Mrs. Newton?
Oh, shoot. Just when everything
looked like it was going great.
Hi, honey. Did you find out anything
about Mrs. Newton?
Yeah, I talked
to the chief medical examiner.
And?
Well, apparently
there's a rule in the county
that you can't take anything
out of the county that was
in the county
before the county was a county.
How did you do?
Well, I started off at the town hall.
Everybody there knew about Mrs. Newton,
but nobody knew what to do
about moving her.
They suggested that ll try to find out
if she still had any relatives in the area.
So, ll went to the Hall of Records,
and they sent me to the Historical Society,
who recommended that I try
the genealogy section of the library.
You did all that in one morning?
Yeah, I'm surprised all you did
was make a phone call.
- Well, I didn't just make a phone call.
- Oh. What else did you do?
I ate an orange.
Well, while you were eating, I found out
that her husband Jacob Newton
was one of the original settlers
and founding fathers of the town.
I also found out that the Newton house
was on the same site as our house,
which means that our basement
was their basement.
Yeah, but that still doesn't explain
why Sarah is buried down there.
Yeah, I know. That's the curious thing.
The records don't even mention her,
except to say that her husband
is buried in the churchyard,
but it doesn't explain
why she isn't buried with him.
Well, husbands and wives
aren't always buried together.
I have an aunt who's buried
in Pennsylvania
and my uncle is buried
on the beach in Normandy.
He was killed in the war?
No, my aunt found him there
with another woman.
- How long have you been saving that one?
-16 years.
Now, honey, listen.
I was wondering if there was some way
that we could get Mr. and Mrs. Newton
next to each other.
You're not suggesting that we put
Mr. Newton in our basement.
Come on, Dick. I'm suggesting
that we go over to the church
where Mr. Newton is buried
and talk to the minister
about getting Mrs. Newton moved there.
Good idea.
I'd like to get out of the house anyway
and walk off that orange.
Come in, come in. Please, sit down.
Sit down.
It's always a pleasure to welcome
new people to our little church.
Well, we aren't here to join your church.
Oh.
But we'd be more than happy
to make a donation, wouldn't we, Dick?
Oh, sure.
Well, unfortunately, I only have a 20.
- But I'm sure it'll be put to good use.
- Yes, thank you.
Now, how may I help you?
Well, the reason we're here, and I know
this is going to sound incredible,
we found out that a woman
is buried in our basement.
You must be from the Stratford Inn.
Right, the incredible Stratford Inn.
You're referring to Sarah Newton.
Yes, but what you
may not know, Reverend,
is that her husband Jacob Newton
is buried in your churchyard.
Really?
DICK: Yes, Reverend, we were wondering
if there was any way
of getting Sarah Newton moved over here.
I don't understand why
she wasn't buried here to begin with.
You know, that is curious.
Maybe there's something about it
in the old church record.
Do you know approximately
when she died?
We know exactly when she died.
The 1600s.
(STUTTERING) The late 1600s.
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right. Let's see. Late 1600s.
Here we are. "Nesbit, Nettles, Newton.”
"Jacob Newton, born, 1656."
What does it say?
Oh, the usual thing
about being pious and God-fearing.
Yes, "Sarah Newton.
Born, 1660, died, 1692."
- What's the matter?
- She was refused church burial.
- Refused. Does it give a reason?
- Yes, a very good one.
She was a witch.
Ick.
I don't believe this.
She was refused a proper burial because
someone accused her of being a witch?
That is the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
Well, maybe now, but in the 1600s
it was a real sticking point.
Well, what did they do,
burn her at the stake?
{CHUCKLES) Come now, Mrs. Loudon.
They never burned witches
at the stake in this country.
This is America.
- What did they do?
- They hung her.
Of course, afterwards, the mob did
wander over and burn down her house.
Well, I suppose after a hanging,
it's kind of hard to just
go home and kick off your shoes.
Well, at least now,
now we know why she's buried
where she is.
That poor thing. What could she have done
to make people think she was a witch?
Oh, let me see if it's here.
She was seen burying a cat at midnight,
she made a lady's hair fall out,
and she was accused of turning
someone's son into a badger.
And that's it?
Well, honey, if she really turned
a kid into a badger...
This whole thing is preposterous.
Oh, Reverend, surely you can see
how unfair all these charges were.
Well, of course. But unfortunately
she's still listed by the church as a witch.
Isn't there anything you can do to get
Mrs. Newton's name taken off
the witch list?
Well, one way is to go
to the church's executive council
and have the name stricken
from the record.
Then you will have to file a brief
showing cause
why the church was erroneous
in its original views.
And have the church hierarchy
render a unanimous decision
to reverse the former decision against her.
Or another way would be
to just cross her off the list.
- You can do that?
- You got a pencil?
- You mean that's it?
- That's it.
And now you'll let Mrs. Newton
into your cemetery?
- We'll be happy to.
- This is very kind of you, Reverend.
- Thank you so much.
- You're very welcome.
Reverend, it's a credit to you that you took
a stand in clearing Mrs. Newton's name.
Please. These aren't the Dark Ages.
This is the 20th century.
We consider ourselves enlightened.
Good day.
Oh, by the way,
you aren't gonna do this
after dark, are you?
- No, why?
- It's bad luck to move a witch at night.
Yeah, Mr. Garber,
we appreciate you calling
to confirm your reservation.
I have it right here in front of me.
{(STUTTERS) We're looking forward
to seeing you this afternoon.
There is one thing I should mention.
Yeah. Well, there's a possibility
we may be having some work done
in our basement,
but it really shouldn't inconvenience you
in any way.
It's really nothing.
Well...
See, there's this body in our basement,
and we're having her excavated.
Well, there's the Hanover Inn.
The inn at White Falls.
I understand completely.
Thank you for thinking of us.
Well, I ordered your furnace.
- Oh, good, George.
- The installation will cost $80.
I thought you'd take care of that.
I don't have $80.
I thought you'd install it.
Well, I guess I could do that.
- Do you know anything about furnaces?
- Well, I know they go in the basement,
they give off heat and, if you want
one installed right, it costs $80.
Why don't we spend the $80
and have it done right?
I think we'll all sleep better.
- Hi, guys.
- Great news, Joanna.
Dick and I solved the problem in the
basement and it's only gonna cost $80.
To move Mrs. Newton?
You know, I don't think I'm going
to tell you good news anymore.
I thought he meant the people
from the mortuary were here.
No. They should be here any minute.
I am gonna be so relieved
when this is all over.
You know, the more I learn about Sarah,
the more attached I feel to her.
You've really been reading up on this.
Well, ll can't sleep at night.
I have to do something.
Did I tell you that she had seven children?
Two of them almost died of consumption
and she nursed them back to health.
On top of that, she taught them all
to read and write.
She made all their clothes.
She grew all their food.
Then they accuse her of practicing
witchcraft? It's ridiculous.
I agree.
When would she have found the time?
- Hey, Leslie, thanks a lot for doing that.
- For showing you Mrs. Newton?
No, for going down alone
in the basement with me.
Great grave, Dick.
Thanks, Kirk.
That means a lot, coming from you.
So, who did you find to re-plant her?
Kirk, please, we're trying to handle this
with as much dignity as possible.
-1 think the kid from the mortuary's here.
- The kid?
Come on, Leslie, I don't think
the Gardendale Mortuary
is gonna send over a kid.
My mistake.
- I'm from the mortuary.
- Hi.
Oh, right.
I don't know why,
somehow, I thought you'd be a little older.
They have a really bright
junior achievement program, here, Dick.
My dad says I have to work for him
after school if I want wheels.
What a bummer.
Wait till I get my van. I'm going to Europe.
Should be some drive.
So, where's the loved one?
She's in the basement.
What do you got,
like, a rec room down there?
No, it's just a basement.
She's buried down there. She's been
buried down there for 300 years.
I thought everyone knew that.
{(CHUCKLES) Hey.,. ll don't know
what happened last Tuesday.
It doesn't matter.
The point is we want her moved.
- And what do you want me to do?
- The digging.
What are you, like, the Addams Family?
No, we're just average people trying
to get a body moved out of our basement.
Not by me.
Hey, wait a minute.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- We got a deal.
- MAN: Deal this.
I saw that.
Wait till I tell your father.
You can kiss your van goodbye.
Can you believe that? What a rotten kid.
You know, somebody like that
shouldn't be working for a mortuary.
Somebody like that should be a badger.
- Only now what do we do?
- Listen, if you're really up against it,
I know some guys who will do
anything for a buck.
In fact, I think I have their card right here.
"We'll do anything for a buck."
They're not kidding, either.
I had them cut down dead trees,
haul away trash, recommend restaurants.
- Sounds too good to be true.
- Do you really think we should call them?
I think we're out of alternatives.
Hello. Is this Anything for a Buck?
Yeah, my name is Dick Loudon.
I'm the owner of the Stratford Inn.
Yeah, there's something
we have to have moved.
Not until next week.
There's no way you could do it sooner?
Well, it's a 300-year-old corpse
that's buried in our basement.
{STUTTERING) Five minutes would be fine.
No, actually, we thought we'd pay you.
We can't wait, either.
Anything for a Buck.
(GASPING)
Oh, yes.
Dick, the gentlemen are here.
Hurry, okay?
Oh, boy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl
and that's my other brother Darryl.
So, how are you doing?
Okay, except I throwed my back out
last week crawling under a house.
Sounds like a tough job.
Wasn't a job.
I just like crawling under houses.
- Where's the little lady?
- Mrs. Newton is down those stairs.
- Thank you.
- If you don't mind my asking,
how do you go about this sort of thing?
Well, we usually just wait until we get
down there to see what's the most fun.
You seem real eager to get started.
Honey, do you have any questions
for the guys?
- Do you have any questions?
- Dig her up, right?
- Right.
- No questions.
We're doing the right thing, aren't we?
Honey, we talked this over.
You wanted her next to her husband.
You're right. You're right.
(SIGHS) So, if it's right,
why do I feel so awful?
Honey, a lot of times,
when you do the right thing,
it makes your flesh crawl.
No, no. It's not that.
It's just that things have changed
since we started this.
I mean, now we're talking
about a real person,
a woman that I have come to know
and care about.
I mean, Sarah was a wife and a mother
and she suffered a lot of indignity,
what with being hung and all,
and I think maybe we should reconsider.
You mean leave her down there?
But I thought you said her place
was next to her husband?
Well, her husband was a jerk.
What are you talking about?
Okay, where was he when Sarah
was being tried as a witch?
Did he speak up for her?
- Well, maybe he couldn't speak up for her.
- Why not?
Who knows what she'd turn him into?
No, it's not funny, Dick.
I thought you said you couldn't sleep
at night knowing she was down there.
Well, now I'm not sure I could sleep nights
knowing we moved her.
I guess I'm starting to feel protective.
Nobody else ever looked out for her.
- You're serious about this?
- Yes, ll am.
- You understand, don't you, honey?
- Well, of course. ll just...
I don't know how to break the news
to Larry, Darryl and Darryl.
Guys?
You wanna come up here a second?
Yep?
- So, how far have you gone?
- We're still flipping for the first digs.
(STUTTERING) I don't know quite
how to tell you this, but my wife and I,
we've changed our minds
about moving Mrs. Newton.
This comes as quite a shock.
But, you know, of course we'll be glad
to pay you for your time.
And if there's anything like this
ever, you know, comes up again,
you'll certainly be the first ones we'll call.
{CLEARS THROAT) I wish there was
some way of making this up to you.
Dick, there was that dead possum
out by the well.
We'll take it. Darryl. Darryl!
Dick, the men are here
to put in the new furnace.
- Hi, Kirk.
- Where's Dick?
He's down in the basement with George.
They're looking at the furnace.
- Let me guess where you're going.
- Give up?
I'm taking Leslie to
the Dartmouth-Harvard football game.
It's the biggest game of the season.
Everyone goes.
They have picnics in the parking lots,
bands play, people make floats. It's great.
It's probably the major social event
of the entire year.
- That sounds wonderful.
- It is.
Leslie and I are really
looking forward to it.
Hey, Leslie, wanna go to the game?
- No, thanks. I have to study.
- Wanna buy a blanket?
Well, I think the best thing to do
is just buy a new furnace.
I mean, we need a bigger one anyway,
don't we?
A bigger one won't fit in that corner.
- Well, then put it in the southeast corner.
- That's where the stairs are.
- Well, then put it in the southwest corner.
- Then you'll put it on top of Mrs. Newton.
- Who?
- Mrs. Newton.
The lady who's buried in the basement.
There's a lady buried in our basement?
- You didn't know that?
- No.
Oh, well, sit down,
this may come as quite a shock.
-(STAMMERING) Joanna, did you hear this?
- JOANNA: What?
What would you say if ll told you
there was a body buried in our basement?
I'd say ick.
What would you say
if you weren't a college graduate?
- What are you talking about?
- He's talking about Sarah Newton.
The lady who's buried in your basement.
- Are you serious?
- Do you wanna see?
- I'd like to see it.
- Yeah.
Come on.
JOANNA: Ick.
Close the door.
George, how come you never told us
about this before?
Everyone in town knows the Stratford Inn
has a body in the basement.
How long has she been down there?
Must be close to 300 years.
Everyone in town knows that.
- Why is she down there?
- That, no one knows.
I can't understand why nobody told us
about this when we bought the place.
Well, maybe they did, and you just forgot.
I don't think so.
Dick. Dick, I'm not sure that ll can
live up here with her down there.
Honey, I think maybe you're just,
you know, overreacting.
I think in time you'll get used to her
being down there.
I mean, I'm down there all the time
and sometimes
I don't even know I'm walking on her.
Isn't there somebody
we can call about this?
Who?
Well, I don't know, but ll don't like the idea
of a body being under our bedroom.
Actually, it's not under your bedroom.
It's buried in the southwest corner,
which would put it under...
My study.
All right, let's not lose our heads
about this.
There is one person I can call.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHING)
Mom?
Dick? I picked up a couple of brochures
on some furnaces.
I thought you might wanna
take a look at them.
What's the difference?
Well, this one's in color.
No, I meant in the furnaces.
Well, this one here is made in Europe,
all foreign parts.
If it ever breaks down,
it could take weeks, maybe months to fix.
- And what about this one?
- That one's perfect.
- Then why don't we get this?
- It's $10 more.
Let's get it anyway.
First class. I like that.
Joanna, great news. Dick and I solved
the problem in the basement.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- We decided to put in a new furnace.
Top of the line.
What about Mrs. Newton?
Oh, shoot. Just when everything
looked like it was going great.
Hi, honey. Did you find out anything
about Mrs. Newton?
Yeah, I talked
to the chief medical examiner.
And?
Well, apparently
there's a rule in the county
that you can't take anything
out of the county that was
in the county
before the county was a county.
How did you do?
Well, I started off at the town hall.
Everybody there knew about Mrs. Newton,
but nobody knew what to do
about moving her.
They suggested that ll try to find out
if she still had any relatives in the area.
So, ll went to the Hall of Records,
and they sent me to the Historical Society,
who recommended that I try
the genealogy section of the library.
You did all that in one morning?
Yeah, I'm surprised all you did
was make a phone call.
- Well, I didn't just make a phone call.
- Oh. What else did you do?
I ate an orange.
Well, while you were eating, I found out
that her husband Jacob Newton
was one of the original settlers
and founding fathers of the town.
I also found out that the Newton house
was on the same site as our house,
which means that our basement
was their basement.
Yeah, but that still doesn't explain
why Sarah is buried down there.
Yeah, I know. That's the curious thing.
The records don't even mention her,
except to say that her husband
is buried in the churchyard,
but it doesn't explain
why she isn't buried with him.
Well, husbands and wives
aren't always buried together.
I have an aunt who's buried
in Pennsylvania
and my uncle is buried
on the beach in Normandy.
He was killed in the war?
No, my aunt found him there
with another woman.
- How long have you been saving that one?
-16 years.
Now, honey, listen.
I was wondering if there was some way
that we could get Mr. and Mrs. Newton
next to each other.
You're not suggesting that we put
Mr. Newton in our basement.
Come on, Dick. I'm suggesting
that we go over to the church
where Mr. Newton is buried
and talk to the minister
about getting Mrs. Newton moved there.
Good idea.
I'd like to get out of the house anyway
and walk off that orange.
Come in, come in. Please, sit down.
Sit down.
It's always a pleasure to welcome
new people to our little church.
Well, we aren't here to join your church.
Oh.
But we'd be more than happy
to make a donation, wouldn't we, Dick?
Oh, sure.
Well, unfortunately, I only have a 20.
- But I'm sure it'll be put to good use.
- Yes, thank you.
Now, how may I help you?
Well, the reason we're here, and I know
this is going to sound incredible,
we found out that a woman
is buried in our basement.
You must be from the Stratford Inn.
Right, the incredible Stratford Inn.
You're referring to Sarah Newton.
Yes, but what you
may not know, Reverend,
is that her husband Jacob Newton
is buried in your churchyard.
Really?
DICK: Yes, Reverend, we were wondering
if there was any way
of getting Sarah Newton moved over here.
I don't understand why
she wasn't buried here to begin with.
You know, that is curious.
Maybe there's something about it
in the old church record.
Do you know approximately
when she died?
We know exactly when she died.
The 1600s.
(STUTTERING) The late 1600s.
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right. Let's see. Late 1600s.
Here we are. "Nesbit, Nettles, Newton.”
"Jacob Newton, born, 1656."
What does it say?
Oh, the usual thing
about being pious and God-fearing.
Yes, "Sarah Newton.
Born, 1660, died, 1692."
- What's the matter?
- She was refused church burial.
- Refused. Does it give a reason?
- Yes, a very good one.
She was a witch.
Ick.
I don't believe this.
She was refused a proper burial because
someone accused her of being a witch?
That is the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
Well, maybe now, but in the 1600s
it was a real sticking point.
Well, what did they do,
burn her at the stake?
{CHUCKLES) Come now, Mrs. Loudon.
They never burned witches
at the stake in this country.
This is America.
- What did they do?
- They hung her.
Of course, afterwards, the mob did
wander over and burn down her house.
Well, I suppose after a hanging,
it's kind of hard to just
go home and kick off your shoes.
Well, at least now,
now we know why she's buried
where she is.
That poor thing. What could she have done
to make people think she was a witch?
Oh, let me see if it's here.
She was seen burying a cat at midnight,
she made a lady's hair fall out,
and she was accused of turning
someone's son into a badger.
And that's it?
Well, honey, if she really turned
a kid into a badger...
This whole thing is preposterous.
Oh, Reverend, surely you can see
how unfair all these charges were.
Well, of course. But unfortunately
she's still listed by the church as a witch.
Isn't there anything you can do to get
Mrs. Newton's name taken off
the witch list?
Well, one way is to go
to the church's executive council
and have the name stricken
from the record.
Then you will have to file a brief
showing cause
why the church was erroneous
in its original views.
And have the church hierarchy
render a unanimous decision
to reverse the former decision against her.
Or another way would be
to just cross her off the list.
- You can do that?
- You got a pencil?
- You mean that's it?
- That's it.
And now you'll let Mrs. Newton
into your cemetery?
- We'll be happy to.
- This is very kind of you, Reverend.
- Thank you so much.
- You're very welcome.
Reverend, it's a credit to you that you took
a stand in clearing Mrs. Newton's name.
Please. These aren't the Dark Ages.
This is the 20th century.
We consider ourselves enlightened.
Good day.
Oh, by the way,
you aren't gonna do this
after dark, are you?
- No, why?
- It's bad luck to move a witch at night.
Yeah, Mr. Garber,
we appreciate you calling
to confirm your reservation.
I have it right here in front of me.
{(STUTTERS) We're looking forward
to seeing you this afternoon.
There is one thing I should mention.
Yeah. Well, there's a possibility
we may be having some work done
in our basement,
but it really shouldn't inconvenience you
in any way.
It's really nothing.
Well...
See, there's this body in our basement,
and we're having her excavated.
Well, there's the Hanover Inn.
The inn at White Falls.
I understand completely.
Thank you for thinking of us.
Well, I ordered your furnace.
- Oh, good, George.
- The installation will cost $80.
I thought you'd take care of that.
I don't have $80.
I thought you'd install it.
Well, I guess I could do that.
- Do you know anything about furnaces?
- Well, I know they go in the basement,
they give off heat and, if you want
one installed right, it costs $80.
Why don't we spend the $80
and have it done right?
I think we'll all sleep better.
- Hi, guys.
- Great news, Joanna.
Dick and I solved the problem in the
basement and it's only gonna cost $80.
To move Mrs. Newton?
You know, I don't think I'm going
to tell you good news anymore.
I thought he meant the people
from the mortuary were here.
No. They should be here any minute.
I am gonna be so relieved
when this is all over.
You know, the more I learn about Sarah,
the more attached I feel to her.
You've really been reading up on this.
Well, ll can't sleep at night.
I have to do something.
Did I tell you that she had seven children?
Two of them almost died of consumption
and she nursed them back to health.
On top of that, she taught them all
to read and write.
She made all their clothes.
She grew all their food.
Then they accuse her of practicing
witchcraft? It's ridiculous.
I agree.
When would she have found the time?
- Hey, Leslie, thanks a lot for doing that.
- For showing you Mrs. Newton?
No, for going down alone
in the basement with me.
Great grave, Dick.
Thanks, Kirk.
That means a lot, coming from you.
So, who did you find to re-plant her?
Kirk, please, we're trying to handle this
with as much dignity as possible.
-1 think the kid from the mortuary's here.
- The kid?
Come on, Leslie, I don't think
the Gardendale Mortuary
is gonna send over a kid.
My mistake.
- I'm from the mortuary.
- Hi.
Oh, right.
I don't know why,
somehow, I thought you'd be a little older.
They have a really bright
junior achievement program, here, Dick.
My dad says I have to work for him
after school if I want wheels.
What a bummer.
Wait till I get my van. I'm going to Europe.
Should be some drive.
So, where's the loved one?
She's in the basement.
What do you got,
like, a rec room down there?
No, it's just a basement.
She's buried down there. She's been
buried down there for 300 years.
I thought everyone knew that.
{(CHUCKLES) Hey.,. ll don't know
what happened last Tuesday.
It doesn't matter.
The point is we want her moved.
- And what do you want me to do?
- The digging.
What are you, like, the Addams Family?
No, we're just average people trying
to get a body moved out of our basement.
Not by me.
Hey, wait a minute.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- We got a deal.
- MAN: Deal this.
I saw that.
Wait till I tell your father.
You can kiss your van goodbye.
Can you believe that? What a rotten kid.
You know, somebody like that
shouldn't be working for a mortuary.
Somebody like that should be a badger.
- Only now what do we do?
- Listen, if you're really up against it,
I know some guys who will do
anything for a buck.
In fact, I think I have their card right here.
"We'll do anything for a buck."
They're not kidding, either.
I had them cut down dead trees,
haul away trash, recommend restaurants.
- Sounds too good to be true.
- Do you really think we should call them?
I think we're out of alternatives.
Hello. Is this Anything for a Buck?
Yeah, my name is Dick Loudon.
I'm the owner of the Stratford Inn.
Yeah, there's something
we have to have moved.
Not until next week.
There's no way you could do it sooner?
Well, it's a 300-year-old corpse
that's buried in our basement.
{STUTTERING) Five minutes would be fine.
No, actually, we thought we'd pay you.
We can't wait, either.
Anything for a Buck.
(GASPING)
Oh, yes.
Dick, the gentlemen are here.
Hurry, okay?
Oh, boy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl
and that's my other brother Darryl.
So, how are you doing?
Okay, except I throwed my back out
last week crawling under a house.
Sounds like a tough job.
Wasn't a job.
I just like crawling under houses.
- Where's the little lady?
- Mrs. Newton is down those stairs.
- Thank you.
- If you don't mind my asking,
how do you go about this sort of thing?
Well, we usually just wait until we get
down there to see what's the most fun.
You seem real eager to get started.
Honey, do you have any questions
for the guys?
- Do you have any questions?
- Dig her up, right?
- Right.
- No questions.
We're doing the right thing, aren't we?
Honey, we talked this over.
You wanted her next to her husband.
You're right. You're right.
(SIGHS) So, if it's right,
why do I feel so awful?
Honey, a lot of times,
when you do the right thing,
it makes your flesh crawl.
No, no. It's not that.
It's just that things have changed
since we started this.
I mean, now we're talking
about a real person,
a woman that I have come to know
and care about.
I mean, Sarah was a wife and a mother
and she suffered a lot of indignity,
what with being hung and all,
and I think maybe we should reconsider.
You mean leave her down there?
But I thought you said her place
was next to her husband?
Well, her husband was a jerk.
What are you talking about?
Okay, where was he when Sarah
was being tried as a witch?
Did he speak up for her?
- Well, maybe he couldn't speak up for her.
- Why not?
Who knows what she'd turn him into?
No, it's not funny, Dick.
I thought you said you couldn't sleep
at night knowing she was down there.
Well, now I'm not sure I could sleep nights
knowing we moved her.
I guess I'm starting to feel protective.
Nobody else ever looked out for her.
- You're serious about this?
- Yes, ll am.
- You understand, don't you, honey?
- Well, of course. ll just...
I don't know how to break the news
to Larry, Darryl and Darryl.
Guys?
You wanna come up here a second?
Yep?
- So, how far have you gone?
- We're still flipping for the first digs.
(STUTTERING) I don't know quite
how to tell you this, but my wife and I,
we've changed our minds
about moving Mrs. Newton.
This comes as quite a shock.
But, you know, of course we'll be glad
to pay you for your time.
And if there's anything like this
ever, you know, comes up again,
you'll certainly be the first ones we'll call.
{CLEARS THROAT) I wish there was
some way of making this up to you.
Dick, there was that dead possum
out by the well.
We'll take it. Darryl. Darryl!
Dick, the men are here
to put in the new furnace.