Newhart (1982–1990): Season 1, Episode 11 - Sprained Dreams - full transcript

Hi, Kirk.

{(WHISPERING) Are you crazy?

Because ll said hi?

Shh.

- Where's Leslie?
- She's in the dining room.

{(WHISPERING) She's studying.
Il wouldn't go in there.

{(WHISPERING) I don't want to go in there.

I just wanted to make sure
I don't run into her.

Leslie finally agreed to go out with me.

- Tonight's our first date.
- Oh, that's right.

Yeah. ll don't want to spoil it
by seeing her ahead of time.



Oh, that's dumb.

You're right, it is dumb,
but that's the way I want to handle it.

Anyway, ll just came over
because I want to know

what aftershave I should wear tonight.

So, ll want you to tell me
which one is best.

- Okay?
- Okay. Yeah.

All right.

- Nice.
- Good.

- This is it, right?
- Yeah.

- Okay. I like the right cheek best.
- Good. That's my favorite.

It's called War.

They have a great slogan,
"Wear War because love is hell.”

What a turn-on.

I hope so.
I've waited so long for this night.



I want everything to be perfect.

Kirk, I hope you're keeping this
in perspective.

I mean, after all, it is only a date.

A date with Leslie.
It doesn't make me a dope

just because I want to go out
and get my hair cut, my shoes shined

and put gas in the new car.

You bought a new car?

For a date with Leslie?

No, I bought a new car because I need one.

What was wrong with your old one?

It wasn't good enough
for my date with Leslie.

Speaking of which,
it must be ready by now.

I gotta go.
Tell Leslie I'll pick her up at 7:00 sharp.

- I'm sure she'll be ready.
-1 doubt it. I'll be early.

- Hi, Kirk.
- No time now, Dick. I'm in a rush.

- What was that all about?
- Tonight's his first date with Leslie.

Does Leslie know?

Yeah.

(SNIFFS)

- What's that?
- War.

Smells like hell.

Did you come out for the mail?

- No, I just finished my book.
- Honey, congratulations.

You know, the books on Kansas
and Arkansas were fine, but...

I don't know, in this book
I think I've really said it all

in the Many Moods of Minnesota.

What are you going to do now?

Well, you know me.
When I finish a book, I like to celebrate,

you know,
do something I've never done before.

Want to help me clean the oven?

I was hoping we could save that
until New Year's Eve.

It's just something
you've never done before.

You know what I'd really like to try?

- Skiing.
- Skiing?

Yeah. Where's Leslie?

She's in the dining room.
Dick, skiing is dangerous.

I know, that's why I'm going to
take Leslie along.

- She's a champion skier.
- Dick, hold it.

Before you go in there, couldn't you
wait till tomorrow to do this?

Why should I wait till tomorrow?

Because I'm hoping
the snow will melt tonight.

Leslie!

Leslie, how'd you like to take a break
and teach me how to ski?

Gee, I'd love to, but I can't.
I have this paper to write,

I have all my work to do around here,

and I should at least wash my hair
before my date with Kirk.

Okay, I'll go by myself.

Wait a minute, Dick. I don't think you
should go skiing the first time by yourself.

Well, I'm not exactly a total novice,
you know.

I mean, I do water-ski.
It's basically the same principle.

Except in snow skiing, you're
careening down the side of a mountain.

I really wish you'd wait
so I could go with you.

I'm fine. Don't worry about me.
Oh, one thing.

I know when you're coming
downhill, you know,

you try to lean forward
and keep your knees together

and use your poles for balance.

But when you get to the bottom of the hill,

how do you actually stop?

I'm coming with you.

- Old skiing bug bit you, huh?
- Can't resist!

I'll just run upstairs and get my things.

I'll be careful.

I thought I'd knock off for lunch.

It's 10:00.

No, George!

George, it's okay.
If you want to take a break, it's fine.

Oh, good.
I think I'm coming down with a cold.

- What have you been doing?
- Looking for my snow shovel.

Has anybody seen it?

Well, the last time ll saw it,
it was in the garage.

- Oh, ll can't get in the garage.
- Why not?

It's full of snow.

How come the garage is full of snow?

I forgot to close the doors last night.

And that's why you need the shovel?

Yeah. It's a vicious circle, isn't it, Dick?

Well, now you can't go skiing.
Your car's in the garage.

I'll use George's truck.

While you're out, how about
picking up a new shovel?

It was just a thought.

Dick? To save time, I'll dress out there
while you're renting your stuff.

Leslie, promise me you won't teach Dick
anything fancy.

Don't worry. We'll stick to basics.

Joanna, will you stop treating me
like a kid, and zip me up?

I just don't feel good about this.

There's nothing to worry about.
I know what I'm doing.

Better yet, Leslie knows what she's doing.

I mean, you can't learn skiing
and be safer than I am.

I guess you're right.

- Oh, just so I'll know, where will you be?
- Suicide Point.

It's just a name.

Oh, yes, there are all kinds of things
to do up here.

We have nature trails, scenic drives,
historical sites.

We serve breakfast,
and there's a café next door.

Oh, yes, we have several rooms
with fireplaces.

I think it would be an ideal spot
for a honeymoon.

Well, if he does propose,
I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time.

You're welcome. Oh, and good luck.

- DICK: Joanna! Help!
- Oh, no, Dick!

I knew it!
I knew something like this would happen.

No, you didn't. You thought I was going to
hurt myself. I hurt Leslie.

- Help me get her to the sofa.
- What happened?

It was a fluke. We were at the top
of the bunny slope, that's ski talk,

and, ll don't know, I guess I got too close
to the edge and I started to slip.

Sol had to think quickly,
and I grabbed onto something.

He grabbed onto me.

And she lost her balance
and fell down and...

He fell on top of me.

This could be serious.
I think we should call a doctor.

- George!
- Where did he fall?

On my knee.

I was in the kitchen
fixing a mustard plaster for my cold.

George, we need a doctor.

Mustard plaster usually does the trick.

No, for Leslie. She hurt herself skiing.

Oh, no! What happened?

It's a long story.

Dick fell on her.

That's the short version.

You fell on Leslie?

I didn't mean to. It was an accident.

Well, that makes it a little better.

I'd better go get Dr. Adamson.

Wouldn't it be quicker to call him?

Not on Wednesday. He's out skiing.

In the meantime,
I'll get some ice for your knee.

I have some aspirin in the study.
That will help the pain.

I guess I'll go upstairs to my room.

Fine, we'll meet you up there.

Watch your step, Dick!

Well, since you're her ski coach,
I thought you should know.

Well, apparently someone fell on her.

I don't know why
they let people on the slopes

when they don't know
what they're doing, either.

I agree. I think whoever did it
should be reprimanded.

I don't know about prison.

I gotta go. I'll keep you posted.

- How is she?
- The doctor's still examining her.

I hope she's all right.
I feel rotten about this.

Well, of course you do, honey.
You did a terrible thing.

Do you ever think of cheerleading?

Hey, she's not upset with you.

All she's really worried about
is missing school.

I'm going to make this up to her.
Until she's back on her feet,

I'm going to go to all her classes
and record all her lectures.

Well, before you do that,
did you call her folks?

I called them. I called her faculty advisor.
I called her ski coach.

I think I've called everybody
who would be affected by this, in any way.

Hi, guys! Leslie ready?

I don't think I called Kirk.

I thought I'd be early,

but finding yellow roses in winter
took me a lot longer than I thought.

Where is she, upstairs?

Yeah.

Kirk, there is something
we have to tell you.

What?

Well, I am going to tell this to you
the quickest way I know how.

Finishing a book has always been
a big deal to me.

Dick!

Leslie won't be able to go out
with you tonight.

What?

- She had an accident.
- What?

A skiing accident. She hurt her leg.

What?

She's upstairs with the doctor,

and it looks like she's gonna be laid up
for a few weeks.

What?

It was my fault. I was excited about
finishing the book this morning,

and I coaxed Leslie into teaching me
how to ski.

And I slipped, and I fell on her.
And I am sorry and I hope you understand.

Oh, sure, I understand. You were excited,
you wanted something to do,

you thought, "I've finished my book,
let's see whose life I can ruin.”

Kirk, it wasn't like that.

Do you know how long
I've waited for this?

Do you know what ll have gone through
to get ready for tonight?

We know, Kirk.

Just sol can come over and hear you say,

"Ha, ha, ha, ha.
She's not going out with you.”

Well, I guess I won't be needing these.

Thanks a lot, Dick.

You could've taken them up to her room.

Thanks again!

Oh, Doctor, how is she?

She's fine. If she keeps off her feet
for the next few weeks,

the knee should heal nicely.

Would one more night up and around hurt?

Believe me, she'll get plenty of rest.

The main thing is,
will this affect her skiing in any way?

Well, no, it shouldn't.

Good.

Unless she wants to be a world-class skier
or something.

That's what she's in training to be.

- Really?
- Yes.

Well, in that case,
I can't make any promises.

We'll just have to wait and see. I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)

Well, don't feel bad, Dick.
She still has her career as a maid.

Excuse me, is this the right room for

"The Reformation Church and its effect on
16th century Roman Catholic doctrine"?

That's the rumor. Can ll help you?

If it isn't too much trouble, could you
point out Professor Fasil when he arrives?

She's arrived.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'm Dick Loudon and if it's okay,

I'd like to sit in for one of your students,
Leslie Vanderkellen.

Where is she?

She was hurt in a skiing accident.

Oh, no! Was it serious?

We don't know yet.

Oh, no. How'd it happen?

It was my fault.

Look, if it's okay with you, I'll just sit
off to the side and record the lecture.

I don't want to make a big deal out of this.

- Well, this is just awful.
- What's awful?

Leslie's had a skiing accident.

Oh, no. How did it happen?

This man says that it was his fault.

Oh, yeah? Who are you?

I'm Dick Loudon. Leslie works for me.

What'd you do to her?

I fell on her.

You fell on her?

- PROFESSOR FASIL: Fell on who?
- Leslie!

What are you talking about?

This guy fell on Leslie
while she was skiing.

- Oh, no! Is she all right?
- Is who all right?

- Leslie!
- What's wrong with her?

She's had a skiing accident.

- Who's had a skiing accident?
- Leslie!

This guy fell on her.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!

Here are the reports you wanted.

- Did you hear about Leslie?
- What about it?

Let him tell you.

Look, I didn't want to make a big deal
out of this.

Hey, what's going on?

Maybe I'll tell this just one more time
and we'll get it out of the way.

I forced Leslie into going skiing with me,
and ll don't know whatl am doing,

and being the clumsy idiot that I am,
I fell on her and I sprained her leg

and maybe ruined her whole life.

PROFESSOR FASIL: Well,
I think we'd better all take our seats.

We do have work to do.

STUDENT: I don't think he should be
allowed to stay in our class.

(STUDENTS MUTTERING)

What a jerk.

All right. All right.

Now, when we left each other
last Thursday,

we were discussing Pope Julius Il
and the Council of Trent.

What's this I just heard about Leslie?

I'm sorry, did I wake you?

Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Just wanted to leave you a note.

So, how's your leg?

Fine.

Really?

Yeah, as long as I don't move or touch it.

I brought back your tape recorder.

Was it a good lecture?

Yeah, the first part's a little choppy.

People kept coming in,
wondering what I had done to you.

It's amazing how a whole class of theology
students can be that unforgiving.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Oh, which reminds me...

I brought you something.

What for?

What for? Leslie, I fell on your leg.

I mean, I caused you a lot of pain
and trouble.

And I may have ruined
your whole skiing career.

I just... l just wanted to make it up to you.

So you bought me a box of chocolates?

Somehow it seemed like a bigger gesture
at the time.

Really, that's sweet.

I just wanted you to know
how badly I feel.

Il know you do, but ll wish you'd stop it.

Dick, you and Joanna have been
terrific to me.

You both really care about me,
and I appreciate that.

I wish I'd cared about you enough to get
somebody else to go skiing with me.

Dick, do you realize that up until now,

I've never had one thing wrong with me
in my whole life?

I've never been a gram overweight.
I've never had a cavity.

I've never even had a pimple.

Are you saying you had this coming?

No! I'm saying, "Why me?”

Well, I just wanted you to know
ll hope you get better because

I'm planning on going to the Olympics
and see you win that gold medal.

Why don't you get some rest
and I'll see you tomorrow?

Okay.

I brought you some coffee, honey.

I don't deserve any coffee.

Oh, you deserve this.

Dick, Leslie is doing fine.
The X-rays turned out negative,

and Doctor Adamson's up there now,
and he says it looks like

she's not going to have any trouble.

I am not going to rest
until she walks down those stairs.

Yeah, sure will be nice to have Leslie
up and around again.

Smiling, laughing, making coffee.

Well, I guess I'll go up
and see how they are doing.

By the way, did I tell you that
I bought a new snow shovel?

No, no, you didn't.

Yep, I am never going to lose this one.
I got it locked up in the cab of my truck.

Sounds like a safe place.

By the way, have you seen the keys
to my truck?

Well, I'll keep looking.

Hi, Dick.

Hi, Kirk.

I don't know if you've noticed, but
I haven't been around the last few days.

It's been nine days.

Actually, I've been around,
I just haven't been around you.

I was mad.

That's what I figured.

It's an immediate reaction when
someone mangles the thing you love.

But I've thought about it,
and ll am over it now.

Good.

No hard feelings?

No hard feelings.

I'm not ready to shake your hand.

Oh, hi, Kirk.
I didn't know you were here, but ll am glad.

I want you both to see something.

- She's up?
- Ta-da!

She's on crutches.

That's it! It's over! She'll never ski again.
Happy now, dream killer?

Why is she on crutches?

So she won't fall down.

You said she'd be on her feet again.

Dick, I'm fine.

- DICK: You're not fine, you're a mess.
- She's gonna be fine.

I'll only be on these for a week or so.

There is absolutely no permanent damage
to her knee. She will ski as well as ever.

You're not just saying that
to make me feel better?

Mr. Loudon, your feelings are
of no concern to me.

My only concern is with her knee,
and it's fine.

You really think you're the center
of the universe, don't you, Dick?

Leslie, I'll see you in my office
in another week.

- Bye, Doc.
- Bye.

Thank you, Doc.

- Yes, thank you for everything, Doctor.
- My pleasure.

Now, you're sure you're all right?

Now do you believe me?
I can hug without pain.

Let me see.

Kirk!

She's fine.

Fine? She's fantastic.

I can't breathe, Kirk.

Sorry.

(LESLIE EXHALES)

Must feel really good
to be back on your feet,

or your foot again
after all that time in bed.

It does.
If I don't hurry I won't make my 2:30 class.

Class? Don't you think
you're rushing things a little?

I can go to class for you.

No, thanks, Dick. I want to start doing
things on my own again.

How about my giving you a ride to school?
You still haven't seen my new car.

Terrific!

You're sure you're not just putting up
a brave front?

Stay out of this, Dick. I want her in my car.

Really, you guys, I'm fine. Believe me.
I had a minor setback but I came through.

Nothing's changed.
lam exactly the same person I was before.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Now are you relieved?

Are you kidding? I feel like celebrating.

What do you wanna do?

Well, we're alone in the inn.
Why don't we go for it?

Go for what?

Let's clean the oven.