New Girl (2011–2018): Season 6, Episode 7 - Last Thanksgiving - full transcript

Welcome to the ceremonial
lighting of the first burner.

Come on, Susan!

- There it is!
- [Cece gasps]

- Aah!
- Thanksgiving!

- It is 7:00 A.M.
- I've actually been up for two hours.

Let's do this! Perfect Thanksgiving!

Reagan's coming today,
and I want everything

to be great for the guest of honor.

Oh, the... the guest of honor?

Yeah, the guest of honor.

I guess my dad spending
Thanksgiving with me



for the first time ever is a non-event.

Ooh. Is he bringing his new squoosh?

- Hmm?
- Is that a thing people say?

- No.
- Uh-uh.

Well, his squoosh
has a name, and it's Ann Kim.

She's probably gonna want to spend
some time with you ladies, too,

because you know how fathers
and sons can be on Thanksgiving.

Drinking beer, watching the game,

hugging each other in
a way that suggests,

"I forgive you for
every... for everything."

Okay, look, I know
you're excited, but maybe

don't put so much
pressure on it, you know?

I mean, we all... we
all know who your dad is.

Who he was. Who he was, though.



Just don't expect too much.

Just be happy that he's coming at all.

- So what time's Robby coming?
- He's not coming.

- He is going to visit his folks.
- What's your guys' deal now?

Are you actually together,

or are you just nursing
him back to health

'cause you broke his
entire body and face?

We are not together, but I don't
think Robby understands that.

I wonder why, Jess.

You only hang out with him 24/7.

♪ Come on, baby, make it hurt so... ♪

[screaming]

I feel mean telling him we're not
dating when he's in this state.

CECE: It is a lot meaner
to lead him on, okay?

- You got to drop the hammer.
- I know. You're right.

I'll do it next time I see
him. I'm just dreading it.

He's such a good egg.

I mean, with his dad khakis

and his glasses and his... his...

his sweet little change purse.

You know what? That's it. He's too nice.

There's just no oomph.

Yeah. It's non-negotiable.
You got to have the oomph.

Yeah, oomph was all Cece
and I had when we started oomphing.

Oh, "oomph" is sex.

Why say that stupid
word? Just say "sex."

Oh, because it's more than that, Nick.

It's fire. It's passion.

It's ha-cha-cha-cha-cha

- cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.
- Mm.

JESS: And there's no ha-cha-cha
with Robby. He's too nice.

WINSTON: Well, look, Jess, do what
you got to, but I love that guy.

Robby was there for me

when I got hurt in the line of duty.

[groaning]

SCHMIDT: Winston, you sprained
your ankle running for a bagel.

- Yeah. I was at work, though.
- Running for a bagel.

Look, Robby's the only one
who understands my pain.

Well, nothing makes me happier
than cooking for ten hours

and eating in under 25
minutes. Chant me in.

ALL [chanting]: Stuff that bird!

Stuff that bird! Stuff that bird!

Guess who's too injured to fly?

Is it you?

♪ ♪

JESS: Don't get me
wrong. I mean, I feel...

I feel like I'm holding the long
end of the wishbone right now, but,

um, why wouldn't they
let you on the plane?

There was a fit issue.

[groans] I'm sorry.
All right. I'm so sorry.

- [screams] Oh! Oh! Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
- Whoa. Whoa.

- [screams] Aah! No, no, no, it's fine.
- Oh! Oh!

Well, at least you had the fun of
going to the airport on Thanksgiving.

- And I get to hang out with you.
- [indistinct chatter on TV]

Yay! And boo!

Because I already have plans
with a 15-pound cutie. [laughs]

- I'm talking about the turkey.
- [laughs]

Listen, I'm gonna plant
you in front of the parade,

and you're gonna yell
out what balloons go by!

Okay. Okay.

MAN [on TV]: The start
of the parade just...

[laughs]

With the speed?! He like
Mayweather with the knife!

CECE: Okay, what is going on?

Because you don't even
use a knife to eat a steak?

Well, my girl is coming. Of
course my hands are dancing.

These knives are a part of me
like that, uh, scissor hand guy.

What is his name again? Is it Rick Snip?

- Did you drop the hammer?
- I have not dropped the hammer.

Snoopy! Saw Snoopy.

Okay, no. You-you got to end this.

ROBBY: False alarm. It's just John
Stamos on a Greek yogurt float.

Drop the hammer now?

He can't even tell the difference
between John Stamos and Snoopy.

You can't break a man's
heart on a holiday.

I'm telling you, it happened
to me once, and that pain...

it comes back year
after year after year.

You don't want to do that
to him, I'm telling you.

That's why I'm always a hot mess

on take-your-daughter-to-work day.

ROBBY: Uh-oh. It's the
senior citizens choir.

Get the tissues!

WINSTON: Look, I'll tell you what, Jess.

I'll keep him busy for the day.

- You can destroy him tomorrow.
- Thank you, Winston.

You know what? Next
take-your-daughter-to-work-day

is gonna be take-Winston-out-
for-spaghetti day.

I would enjoy that.

I would enjoy that for real.

[knocking]

Ooh, it's my daddy!

It's my daddy!

Gobble, gobble.

Happy Thanksgiving, son.

I hope you're ready, 'cause I
have a full day planned for us.

First up is a game of American football

featuring the Cowboys of Dallas.

[crying]

I'm sorry.

It's our first Thanksgiving together.

Look, I've been crying all morning, too.

It's... this is a good thing.

Ann Kim broke up with me.

Oh, no.

Excuse me.

Da...

JESS: Gavin!

Happy Thanksgiving.

- NICK: Hey, Gavin.
- It just got a whole lot happier.

Excuse me.

Daddy?

You remember when you
tongue-kissed that guy?

MAN [on TV]: Now this marching
band has traveled 1,500 miles...

What you taking? Little boy blues?

Yeah, I've been there.

How many miggies you working with?

Yeah, my pharmacist
bumped me up to nine.

1,400. Yeah. I have to
take 18 pills an hour

in a very specific order,
and they virtually assured me

that I will be addicted to them.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, what happened to Rick Snip?

Uh, gone and, uh... [sniffles, sighs]

these tears... honestly,
they're from the onions.

They're not from Reagan bailing.

Oh, no. Reagan's not coming?

No. She just called. Uh,
her boss sent her to Omaha,

so she can't make it, but it's fine.

Oh, I'm sorry, Nick.

I also wear a slow-release
opium patch on my spine.

[laughs]

Hey, I ever told you the story of
how I got injured in the first place?

- Yes.
- One may think that it started

because of a lack of bagels, but no.

It started with a surplus...

- of cream cheese.
- Of cream cheese.

Yes, yes, you're familiar
with such happening.

You know what? I think
Jess told me to help her...

No, no, no, no. You're good.

Uh, lock you up. [laughs]

I'm sure she's bummed, too.

- How long is she gonna be there?
- No idea. I didn't ask.

I just said, "Happy Thanksgiving."

[sizzling]

[whooshing]

And then I hung up.

Okay, you're gonna have
to leave the kitchen.

The whole sad-guy,
whiskey-flame combination

is starting to worry me.

Let me know when my whiskey boils
down to a crystal so I can eat it.

Hey, Dad, are you okay in there?

Did you fall in?

That's a dad joke
that I would've assumed

I would have heard you make
had you been around more.

GAVIN: I want you to know
I'm not using the bathroom.

I'm just sitting here.

Hey, Dad, you know what's
a great cure for heartache?

A little father-and-son time.

You know, we could have
a catch, whittle a stick.

- Why don't you just come out?
- [door squeaks open]

I'm sorry, son. You're right.

Today is about family.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Exactly.

There's my favorite whiskey glass.

- Aah. Who wants to get wasted?
- Me. So badly.

Ugh. I'm so sorry, babe.

Yeah. No. I'm-I'm fine.

Look, we don't wear sweaters
and roll around in the leaves,

but there are other ways for us to bond.

If he wants to drink, then,
you know what? I'm gonna drink.

I'm gonna get sloppy with my poppy.

Nick. Papa! Wait for me.

Just need to get my bitters kit.

Ooh, actually, can you just make sure

that there's a garbage
can next to the bed?

Because... I can't hang.

[television playing nearby]

Robby!

What are you doing here
with me and not with Winston?

I like Winston, but he's been telling
this bagel story for ten minutes.

I haven't even met all
the main characters yet.

Plus, I have a little surprise for you.

To make up for this morning,

the airline gave me two free tickets

to anywhere in the contiguous 48 states.

Oh. Ha.

Well, I'd love to, you
know, plan our future,

but we're eating in under four hours,

and so I have to put you to work.

Okay, you just, crouton.

- Oh.
- All right. Keep croutonning.

Okay, I'm not that close to the table.

[clank] Darn it.

- I was just in the bathroom
- ROBBY: Nothing but net.

with my husband and his father.

Are you also having a good Thanksgiving?

Hey, Jess. Check this out.

Did that go in?

- Robby got plane tickets,
- Swish.

- and he wants to whisk my away,
- Nothing but bowl.

once he gets better, which
could be months from now.

Jess, I'm looking up
some hotels right now.

Twin bed's okay, right?

Hammer time?

Hammer time.

- Cheers.
- Yes, sir.

Ah. This is the dream.

A boy, his dad, his best
friend sharing a drink.

Don't tell Mom, right?

[laughing]: I'm just kidding.

I know you and Mom
haven't spoken in 30 years,

including my wedding.

You know what's stupid?

There's a part of me
that actually thought

I might have a wedding
with Ann Kim someday.

I don't think that's stupid at all, Dad.

I think that's beautiful.

You know, you opened
up your heart to Ann Kim

and that's brave.

Maybe she was just scared.

You know women. They're a mystery.

Yeah, sometimes they just go to Omaha

and you don't know when
they're gonna come back.

Or if they're coming back.

How do you even know she's in Omaha?

Oh, because, uh, she said she was.

- Nothing means anything.
- Nothing means anything.

Nothing... means anything.

At least you're young, Nick.

You got a rocking bod with kickass buns.

You're not gonna have any problems.

Who's gonna want an old guy like me?

I've got garbage buns.

What? Are you out of your mind?
Dad, you've got fantastic buns.

- You think?
- I'm telling you,

you've got nothing to worry about.

Nick, stand up, put your buns
next to each other, so... here.

What is happening here?

I'm not doing anybody any favors today.

I'm a bummer.

Probably the best thing I
could do would be to head home.

See you later, man,
nice to see you again.

Dad, stay. Look...

you're gonna land on your feet.

I've see... I've seen all kinds
of women throw themselves at you.

Lifeguards and teachers, lens crafters.

Remember when you had
your tongue in Jess' mouth?

She tasted like licorice...
sweet but with a bite.

Not... you're not helping, Nick.

Actually, you know what? Can I
see you in the hallway, please?

Why?

[groans]

Nick, we have got to
go to Ann Kim's house

and convince her to give
my dad a second chance.

- It's the only way he's gonna stay.
- She's not gonna come. She's a snake.

All women are snakes.

I understand that you're
spinning out about Reagan.

I'm spinning out about Reagan.

I get it. But you have to help me

save my Thanksgiving with my dad.

You're right. I'm so sorry.

We can pull this off.

If we get her to take him back...

- ... We'd be heroes.
- That's right.

[both laughing]

Look at that, Mom, I'm gonna be a hero.

Why are you looking up?
Your mother is still alive.

I'm looking at Chicago.

You think Chicago is up?

It's north.

Robby, you're a great guy,

but nothing is ever
gonna happen between us.

However, someday you're gonna open

a really wonderful bed and breakfast.

- That was pretty good.
- I mean, right?

Can you imagine the wine and
cheese hour he would put on?

Stuff the toga with hot coals.

- We're going out.
- What? Wait.

Have a place setting at
the table for Ann Kim,

but don't seat her next to my dad.

I want all the couples split up.

Everybody gets to talk
that way, but, uh...

- and then put me next to Nick.
- Yeah.

And then my dad next to me as well.

So I'm sandwiched
between Nick and my dad.

You guys can't leave. We need you here.

Well, I need a happy daddy.

He needs a happy daddy.

If they never come back, the
last words I'll have heard

my husband say are "happy daddy."

Okay, good luck.

Oh, smells great.

That's just my famous gravy. [chuckles]

The trick is, um, a pinch of brown sugar

and then a couple more
handfuls of brown sugar.

Actually, uh, just a lot of brown sugar.

Ann Kim loves gravy.

Big dogs, small horses,

the smell of rain, and gasoline.

[sobbing]

Oh, Gavin.

You're a handsome

and passionate

and charismatic man.

You and me.

We really had something.

What do you say we give it another shot?

Let's just drive and drive and drive.

I know what I'm not
thankful for this year.

This. This is it.

- Robby, this is not what it looks...
- Don't say anything.

I-I don't even know where to begin,

so I'll just start by saying

that is smells delicious in here.

I'm gonna leave.

[groans]

Just...

hold on a second.

- [clattering]
- [groans]

Hey, Ann Kim, show your face.

You cold-hearted zombie.

- Who's down there?
- It's Gavin's son.

I don't know if you remember this,
but we went on a double date once.

My wife got terribly ill
from some truffle oil.

Rich foods don't agree with her.

Did Gavin send you?

No, no, no. He doesn't
even know that I'm here.

Look, Ann Kim, he's heartbroken.

You opened up something inside of him,

and you turned him into the man

that I always knew that he could be.

And darn it, I'm just a kid...

[sighs]

hoping for a Thanksgiving miracle.

Why don't you give him a second
chance and come back with us,

and let's all give thanks together.

Great speech.

Yeah, it really was a great speech, man.

Thanks.

Did you do it with the five
other women he's dating?

What?

That's why he always refers to me

by my first and last name,

because he's dating two Anns.

This is worse than my Reagan thing.

I can't believe that I spent all day

feeling sorry for that son of a bitch.

I guess I'm the son of a bitch.

Leave or I'm hitting the sprinklers.

Ann Kim, please, give me
a minute to process this.

- Sprinklers!
- That was not a minute!

- Sprinklers!
- That was not a minute!

No!

[knocking on door]

Hello, Jessica.

If you're here to hurt Robby,
then you're here to hurt me.

And if you hurt me,

then I'm gonna hurt Robby.

Wait a minute. No. If you're here...

If you don't get out of your room,

I'm gonna bleach all your bird shirts.

- Robby, I got to go.
- That's a wise choice.

[sighs]

Robby, I need you to
know that there is...

[exhales] nothing going
on between me and Gavin,

except for an icy
awkwardness that will continue

until one or both of us is dead.

Oh, thank God. [laughs]

I mean, I was sitting here
thinking, really? Schmidt's dad.

I know. That'd be crazy, right?

Although I totally get it.

I mean... [exhales] he's
got that rakish charm.

And that voice. Oh, my God.

- Great buns and...
- Robby, stop. There's more.

Oh, boy.

I think I know where this is going.

Let me guess.

You see me as more of a friend.

Well, I didn't want to talk
about it on Thanksgiving.

But you brought the tickets and...

Jess, it's okay. I get it.

You know, there has to be that, um...

- Oomph?
- Yeah. I was gonna say "yowza,"

but, uh, oomph. You can't
force the oomph, you know?

I'll take my mom to Phoenix.
She's nuts about Phoenix.

SCHMIDT: Well, congrats, Dad!

Holiday's over! You ruined
another Thanksgiving!

I can't believe that you're
seeing six women.

- What's going on?
- How do you run a vineyard?

Not well. I'm seeing six women.

He tried to make it seven.

I caught him making a move on Jess.

Again? Why is my father so sexual?

- Why is he asking Chicago?
- Good question.

You know what, Gavin, if
this is who you really are,

then you can forget about Thanksgiving

and all the holidays
and all the non-holidays.

Pretty much what I'm
talking about is every day.

Hey, hey, hey, guys, let's
remember the reason for the season.

We're all very thankful.

GAVIN: Jess, I am so sorry.

I had no idea you two were together.

I thought you were
his physical therapist.

Physical therapist?

Aren't you a physical
therapist or something?

You think she's a... Jess is
a top-notch vice principal.

- [grunts]
- JESS: Oh, Robby...

Robby, no. Don't stand.

Your-your knee.

I don't give a flying care about that.

I stand up when I stand up for people.

I think you're getting roid rage.

I didn't take any steroids today,

because the TSA took 'em this morning.

Now, what you're seeing
is pure, unfiltered Robby,

straight from the tap.

Get him, Robby.

You-you tried to make Jess

the seventh woman you're dating,

and you don't even know
the first thing about her.

I mean, did-did you know
that when she was six

she tried to eat a lightning bug

so that her heart would glow like E.T.?

Did you know that she tried
to give herself Lyme disease

out of solidarity to her
fourth grade classmate?

Or-or that she never lets any
of her electronics go below 25%,

just in case someone
else needs to use them?

I mean, did you know...

did you know that she's terrified of
the large bubbles in the bubble wrap

but she loves the little tiny ones?

It's so cute, man.

It would be one thing if you
actually had feelings for Jess...

- I'm... I'm...
- Oh!

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh.

Thank you. But you don't.

Y-you're just desperate and lonely

and you're trying to use her, and I...

- Oh, it's happening again.
- Oh.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh, oh.

Thank you.

You can't use Jess,

because she is a dream girl.

Here's the last thing
I'll say before I leave.

Jess, I know it's not me, but...

[sighs]

you deserve somebody who
knows how special you are.

Um, I'm going. I'm going.

Don't go, Robby.

I'm not going out. I'm-I'm going down!

[gasping, shouting]

- Robby, no!
- Turkey! Turkey's down!

- Robby! Robby!
- Turkey's down!

SCHMIDT: Oh, God!

- Relax!
- [grunting]

- CECE: Just...
- Okay. It still looks good!

The turkey still looks good.

- [screaming]
- [sizzling]

- Wait, what are you...
- It is hot! My skin!

- It's burning my skin!
- The hell you doing?!

It was hot! It was hot!

Now I got to eat a dirty
turkey! What's wrong with you?

GAVIN: This is all my fault.

- You know I throw hot things!
- I'm so sorry.

- It was fine!
- Turkey's expensive!

- Any more?
- This isn't on me!

Furguson don't eat
turkey from the ground!

NICK: Oh, no. I'm not
taking the fall for this one.

- It's all on you!
- I'm not taking the...

Hey! Can we not yell at
each other on Thanksgiving?!

I recognize that I, too, am yelling.

And I'm-I'm sorry, Robby.

Wait.

- [elevator doors shut]
- [sighs]

Great, he's gone.

[sighs] I was just starting to feel it.

- Go.
- Yeah, Jess, go.

- Go.
- Go!

- Go after him.
- Save us some floor turkey.

Hey.

Look, I know you had high hopes
for Thanksgiving with your dad.

You called it.

The guy is who he is.

You know, maybe you just
need to drop this idea

that he'll ever be the bigger man.

I think that needs to be you, babe.

You're the bigger man.

Son, I know you're probably tired
of hearing both these statements

and not likely to believe either, but...

I'm leaving and I'm sorry.

Dad, I said... I said
a lot of things earlier.

I don't want you out of my life.

I was waiting for you to
be someone who you're not,

but...

I know who you are and I still love you.

But you-you need to listen to me,

son to father, get a therapist.

- Oh, I have a therapist.
- A better one.

Okay.

And I shouldn't have to say this but
one that you're not sleeping with.

Okay.

Wait! Robby! Robby, don't go.

I tried to Irish good-bye, but,
uh, I'm moving a little slow.

When you were in there and you
were saying all those things,

I realize I don't even really know you.

And I want to get to know you.

Jess, it's okay. I-I don't want you
to force something that's not there.

I felt it.

You felt the oomph?

Yes. I... [sighs]

I'm sorry I'm being so confusing.

I-I think I'm as bad at Thanksgiving

as I am at starting new relationships.

- Yeah, you're pretty bad.
- Robby,

will you go on another date with me?

♪ Come on, baby, make it hurt so good. ♪

[chuckles]

Hell yeah, I'll go on
another date with you.

Hmm.

I did already tell my
mom about Phoenix though.

- I hope that's okay.
- Oh, of course.

I apologize in advance for
the state of our main course.

♪ ♪

Dad, would you like to do the honors?

I think the man of the house
traditionally does that.

♪ I am a house ♪

Aw.

♪ Out of twigs and stones ♪

I'm the m... I'm the man of the house.

Would you look at that?

- [phone buzzes, chimes]
- Oh, it's Reagan.

Oh, whoa. You know, I've
always wanted to do this.

Uh, read out loud.

FEMALE VOICE: In Omaha. Heart emoji.

Smiling pile of poo emoji.

I want my tongue emoji
on your monkey emoji.

Eh, come on, that's a little
private. S-Sorry about that.

She wants to tongue your monkey?

What's your monkey?

Smiling pile of poo?

JESS: Oh, my God,

Schmidt and Cece will be
in a new home next year.

Next year it's at our place.

Happy last loft Thanksgiving, everyone.

♪ Give and give ♪

They weren't always perfect,

but they were memorable.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Hey. [whoops]
- Hey.

CECE: Mmm. Remember when
you fell down that hole?

Oh, and Schmidt cooked the meal
in our dead neighbor's kitchen.

- [laughing]: Ms. Beverly.
- Mmm!

Remember when we had sex with strangers?

JESS: That's a misrepresentation
of what happened.

Remember when your parents
made it in the bathroom?

Or last Thanksgiving, when we
all accidentally took peyote

and, Winston, you wouldn't
let us break the wishbone.

- Break the bone, lose the wish.
- That's not true!

- That's not how it works.
- That is not how it works.

NICK: Here's to Thanksgiving, everybody.

[cheering]