New Girl (2011–2018): Season 6, Episode 8 - James Wonder - full transcript

Babe, can you help me finish this
thank you card to Asha Auntie?

She got us... that.

- That porpoise porn?
- Yeah.

"Best, comma, Cece and Schimdt."

All we're gonna give
her is a "Best, comma"?

Come on, she's my mom's sister.

Well, she should have
stuck to the registry.

You know who hasn't even
gotten us a present yet?

- I have a year.
- He has a year.

I have a year!

All right, everyone.



Report to the principal's office,

where I will be sitting
behind the desk because...

I might be principal!

- Congrats!
- That's great!

What do you mean, could be principal?

Well, I just had a very interesting
talk with my boss, Genevieve.

Jess,

- I am dying.
- What? Oh, my God!

Dying to leave Banyon Canyon

and launch my own
elementary school at sea.

Oh. You scared the bejesus out of me.

I've wanted this forever

and I came so close at my last school.

Like, champagne and Prosecco close.



So, if you find marijuana
in a locker, it's yours now.

Ours now. It could just
be part of the loft.

We could just put it in a...

Congratulations.

You just got yourself two
weeks detention, Mr. Miller.

What? But I didn't do anything!

I didn't do anything!

Principal, that's great.
I'm really proud of you.

And now you're almost gonna
make what normal people make.

But I'm not even in it for the cabbage.

I want to change lives.

And finally, I can implement
some of my programs school-wide,

like the math
decathlon... the demathlon.

A-ha!

You see this whole time, y'all thought
you were having breakfast with Winston,

but it turns out y'all been
sitting with James Wonder.

I'm talking about my alias.

See, I'm thinking about
applying for undercover work.

That sounds incredibly dangerous.

Well, not if I go deep enough
into my undercover character.

I've been practicing on
y'all unknowin' asses.

I combined the names of
my favorite singers...

Stevie Wonder

and James Blunt.

And I put those together
to create a different name

as my alias, James Wonder.

I'm worried you're not
the undercover type of guy.

I feel like if you had the ability

to pretend to be someone else,

you would have made that
decision a long time ago.

I feel like that sounded harsh,

but it's only 'cause I care about you.

I love Parents' Day!

Matching names to e-mail addresses,

puttin' big people in little chairs.

Admiring all that sweet daddy derriere.

- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- Good. More for me.

Ooh. That is Ed Warner.

President of the parent's council.

You're gonna need his vote

if you want to become principal, so...

- Okay, did you talk me up?
- Absolutely not.

School politics gets messy and
as my grandmother used to say,

"You don't get dirty till after 6:30."

Piece of cake. Parents love me.

Ed!

Oh, are-are you okay?

Sorry, I was, uh,

moved to tears by the...
second grader's self-portraits.

I cannot believe you are
gonna abandon us next year.

- Oh...
- I'm like, "Ah, don't go!"

I can keep the accent

so you'll barely notice she's gone.

Prince Henry, pet me corgi.

Wow.

Um, Ed, have you met our vice principal?

Jessica Day. I'm a big fan of your work

and by your work, I mean
the child you created.

Not to suggest that
it was work making her.

I'm sure it was fun.

I mean... I hope it was fun.

Ed, if you're gonna ask me sex advice,

please buy me a glass of wine first.

Anyway, switching gears.

I'd love to discuss the,
uh, principal vacancy.

As would I.

N-not now. Now's not a great time.

I have, um,

uh...

Goodbye.

You beefed it, love.

You beefed it hard.

Is that the Vitalstir
3,000 from my registry?

Oh, no, I've had...

- I've had this forever.
- It came out last year.

Did it?

I've had it for a year.

No, I'm just doing what I always do.

Nicky Miller makin', uh,

his famous guacamole.

Like I always do.

Nick Miller's famous guacamole.

See ya later.

I'll call you when it's done!

Fine.

It's from your registry.

I bought it, I brought it home
but I can't give it to you.

I am freaking out about what to get you.

Well, Nick why don't you
just give us this blender

that's on the list of stuff that I want?

Because I feel trapped by this registry.

It's a list made by robots.

Nick, not everything is robots!

Winston puts one
walkie-talkie into a mailbox...

Thank you for your letter.

Yum!

I just... you guys are like my family.

I want to get you something great.

Something unique, personal.

Oh, Nick.

And while you clearly don't
understand what a registry is...

I appreciate the sentiment.

Nick...

I don't say this lightly...

- I release you from the registry.
- Great.

Buy us a gift of your choosing.

What-what I want to get you.

Whatever you want.

The world is yours.

Fly, my little hummingbird.

'Cause I can get you anything.

Oh... this was a double-edged coin.

Excuse me?

Can you tell me where I
can find my son's cubby?

Winston! What are you doing here?

And before you answer that
question, get out of here!

Winston? Can't you read?

You said I couldn't do it, but I did it.

I am deep undercover right now.

No one's gonna believe
you're a parent here.

Jimmy-dubs!

- Where'd you go?
- I needed a refill on the java, E-dawg.

Oh, my goodness!

I see you've already met

and also, already have '90s
hip-hop nicknames for each other.

Genevieve, this is James Wonder.

- Hey.
- A potential new dad.

He's a landscape architect.

- Oh....
- And father of Asher.

And husband of?

I... I'm a widower.

Oh, oh...

Yeah. Yeah,

she, um...

she got squished.

- Squished?
- Mm-hmm.

Did she? Did she?

Okay, James. Uh, let's leave now

so I can show you the
school's landscaping.

Wait, actually, I have
a stubborn back yard.

Uh, I don't want to bring in frogs,

but if I could attract frogs...

Very common situation in our business.

- You need a well.
- A well?

Oh. Well,

you need to let me buy
you a bottle of wine

and pick your brain about all this.

That sounds good, E-dawg. We should...

But... but right now,

- I should get going.
- Yeah.

I got a butt load of koi fish in the
back of my truck that need bonding.

Please, let me show you out.

Take my hand. Oh, God. Did I say breast?

I meant... I meant hand.

Uh, hey. Hey, Ed.

I'd love to circle back around
to that principal conversation.

Let me just stop you there, Miss Day.

Um, I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but I think I speak for every
parent at Banyon Canyon when I say,

you're just not a good fit.

Wh-what? I am a perfect fit.

I have my reasons.

Excuse me, I have, uh...

Goodbye.

I'm making this for Genevieve. I'm...

I gotta convince her
to make my case to Ed.

My man, Ed.

Listen Jess,

I could go ahead and give
him a call if you like.

All you have to do is say the word.

No, no, no, no. This is no
country for James Wonder.

I'm not having you go
undercover at school again.

No offense, but you kind
of fell out of your dress

when Genevieve came on to you.

I did get rattled. I have a girlfriend,

and I adore Ally.

But everything else I'm
doing seems to be working

because Ed loves me.

You know, he wants James
to landscape his yard.

So I drew him four sketches.

Wow. Winston, these are
actually really good.

I don't remember drawing these.

I woke up this morning, and
they were under my pillow.

- Hey, Nick...
- Would you be interested

in rubble from old Yankee Stadium?

What, for my rubble collection?

I'm having a really hard time
finding something for you.

I thought I was just
gonna go on the Internet,

but the Internet is so different now.

Have you been on the Internet lately?

- How drunk are you?
- I remember

when the Internet used to just be

a naked lady and a bunch
of dancing hamsters.

How drunk are you, Nick?

I literally haven't
had one thing to drink.

- How many drinks have you had?
- Give me a breathalyzer.

- It feels like you're drunk.
- Z-Y-X-N-L-P-A.

- You're hammered.
- I'm drunk.

Nick, whatever you get
us, we're going to love.

It... it doesn't matter.

I don't know what to get you,

- and it matters, it matters!
- It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter!

Just get us something!

There's a registry.

You go on it, and you pick something!

- Now you've got Schmidt all cranked up.
- You're cranked up?

Yeah, I got to go to the
arcade now and blow off steam!

I didn't mean to crank you up.

- Hey, Cece.
- Hey, hey.

I don't know what to do.

I want to get you something great,

but I can't find
anything on the Internet.

Here's the truth. I'd give you my heart.

I'd rip it out of my chest but...

but then I would literally die.

But you know that, you're
studying to be a nurse.

- No, I'm not.
- You're already a nurse?

- Not a nurse.
- But you went to college didn't you?

Why didn't you just
give us the Vitalstir?

Because then it would just
end up in a landfill in a year

when they come out
with a Vitalstir 3001.

Well, I imagine they'd go to 4000.

Do you think that they have made

3,000 different Vitalstir models?

Do you really think they've
perfected this blender in four tries?

You're not a nurse.

Look, I know what you're
struggling with right now, okay?

You want to get us
something that's unique.

It's got to be great. It's
got to be from me to you.

Alright, here's a little
exercise... close your eyes.

Now, first thing that
comes to your mind.

Imagine something that
is unique, it's permanent.

I got it!

Okay, you got to open your
eyes before you go, you drunk.

Let me give you the, uh,
keys so you can close up.

Oh, no. I put two hands
in at the same time again.

I did it again.

I can't find this James Wonder anywhere.

I just wanted to say hi,

and I want to send him a
password-protected video

I thought he might enjoy.

Well, I just brought you a little gift.

I know what you're doing.
Jess, I have told you

I can't afford to get
involved in school politics.

Please, Genevieve. I'm begging you.

There's no delicate way to
say this so I'm going to be...

incredibly cruel.

They don't like you.

- At all.
- Ow.

- They despise you.
- All right. I got it.

- "Get rid of Jess."
- Yikes.

These aren't my words, Jess.

I'm just repeating what I'm hearing.

"Jess is the worst."

- Okay.
- "Can't stand the sight of her."

- Don't need all of it.
- Do you understand what I am saying?

- Yeah.
- They've asked me

to move on with my search.

- Wait a minute.
- Huh?

Would you talk me up to Ed

if I could tell you where
he was having dinner?

With James Wonder?

Winston.

You need to say the words, Jess.

I need your help.

I need your help, who?

I need your help, James Wonder.

Well, then, my help you shall have.

What'd he say? Is he going to help?

Here is your mission.

You're going too down to Brickfield

and you're going to facilitate
a conversation about me...

- with Ed...
- My man.

- ... and Genevieve.
- I'm out.

Please, Winst...

- James Wonder.
- She wants to have sex with me.

I know you love Ally, but
James Wonder is still grieving.

Lean into the character.

This is your chance to prove
that you can do undercover work.

Please?

All right, I'll do it.
Under one condition.

That I...

- No, I don't have any conditions.
- Okay.

I design all the landscaping,

and my crew... my crew,
they do all the dirty work.

If you were my boss

I would be employee of the month

every single day.

All right then.

Oh, jeez, Genevieve,
stop flirting, get to me!

Are you shouting at
a podcast again, Jess?

You know it can't hear you, right?

Shh!

Speaking of bosses,

Ms. Day has done some amazing work.

- Strong disagree.
- Uh, what is your ish with her?

She sets our kids up for failure.

What?!

This ridiculous...

math decathlon... ugh!

It is competitive and demeaning.

It is hard enough out
there for these kids.

Affluent children in Los
Angeles do have it hard.

Exactly.

Samanthia bombed that dumb
thing, never got a medal,

and now she's lost
her appetite for soosh!

That's what he's mad at?

My version of the demathlon
is way less rigorous

than the South Korean
teacher I copied it from.

Either bring the phone over
here where we can hear it,

or stop talking to it.

He's saying that unless
I drop the demathlon,

I'll never be principal.

James.

I am trouble after two glasses.

So why don't you pour me a third?

- Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
- Okay. Mm-hmm. O-okay.

- Do it. Do it!
- Okay. Okay.

Stop it! Stop it!

I'm going to get crazy.

You're making me crazy.

I did it.

Best present ever.

Please. I'm trying to eavesdrop
on Winston's alter ego.

Oh...

- James.
- Hmm?

- You seem troubled.
- No, I don't.

You must be holding a lot of sadness

in your legs.

I have hands like a bonobo... strong.

Oh, wow.

There we go.

- Ooh. Very good.
- Aah!

Ow! Now, no! I have a girlfriend.

- Her name is Ally.
- No. No. No. No. No.

Wasn't your wife recently squished?

Yeah. That-that happened.

She was indeed...

But then, we cremated her.

And we, we,

we had to dry her out first.

Ugh. He's scrambling like a damn egg!

- I got to get in there.
- Wait, you got to see my gift!

Who are you, James Wonder?

I'm just a... a combination
of my two favorite singers.

I'm about to gift your brains to pieces.

You got to real pull-the-rip-cord-while-
still-in-the-plane kind of vibe, Nick.

It's a little something
from me... to you.

- All right.
- Or, more accurately, on me.

Check it out.

I got the best gift.

It is your faces,

but it's not your bodies.

- I didn't have a full body shot so...
- Wow!

they picked the bodies.

- Is that Pretty Woman?
- This is from the movie

Pretty Woman and it's on me forever.

Say something.

Say something.

It-it's cute, it's really cute.

I really did it.

Talk to me about how happy you are.

It's on me forever.

I know we're on you forever and ever,

until you're buried in
a non-Jewish cemetery.

And now we-we owe you
a... a thank you card.

Just don't know where I'm
gonna find the words to express

all of the emotions that
I'm feeling right now.

I can't find anything
about you online, James.

Not even the darknet.

Oh, I was gonna say, you
checked the darknet, yeah?

I'm usually on there, they
usually got some stuff about me.

Hey!

Oh, thank God. Jess... ica Day.

I can't believe you guys are
all at my favorite restaurant.

Hey, does anyone have
a red landscaping truck?

'Cause it's getting towed.

Anyone? Red landscaping truck?

No, mine's white.

Well, it could be white.

It's getting towed.

I-I did take the red one today.

Yeah, can't let that get towed.

- My crew is napping in the back.
- Yup.

Well...

Hey.

- This is an unexpected treat.
- Well, I'm happy to have ran into you

because, um...

I've been thinking, and...

I'm canceling the demathlon.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But I thought you loved
the math decathlon?

It's a holdover from my
old public school days.

It's unnecessarily competitive.

Old habits die hard.

That's true, you know,

I still eat a ton of meat and
I've been vegetarian for years.

Like, a ton.

A ton of meat.

I mean, I didn't realize
you were so amenable.

Hey, actually,

Samanthia loves puppets.

What would you say if I asked you

to introduce ventriloquism
into the curriculum?

And do less math?

I'd say...

You got it!

Great.

"Sincerely"?

"Sincerely"?

"Dear Nick, thanks for the tattoo.

"Sincerely, S and Cece."

You guys hate my gift?

No, we don't hate it, we love
it, I see it every time I blink.

You guys want to see it?

- It's okay.
- Ah, I'll show it anyhow.

Check it out. There's an ingrown hair

that gives Cece a bit of a Rudolph nose.

And when I flex my feet it
makes you guys fatter. Look.

Fat, look how fat your
face looks, Schmidt.

You have the fattest face in the world.

All right, stop it! Stop the horror!

We hate the gift.

- It's disgusting.
- It is disgusting.

You've ruined your leg.

It is like you stole our souls.

You depicted my wife as
a common street whore.

Fine, you don't want it?

You can't have it.

I'll get it removed and we can go
about our lives again in a week.

You know it costs, like, two grand

and takes a year or something, right?

Well, I did not know that.

Okay?

I didn't know that.

Well, that really sucks for me.

But fine, then that's your present.

That's not a present. Look Nick,

I appreciate you trying to do
something meaningful for us,

but just give us the blender you bought.

Well, the jokes on you,
I burnt out the motor

making a bubble gum smoothie.

You're back on the registry then.

I won't do it! It's
a list made by robots.

Idiot! Trying to get
me something meaningful!

The only thing meaningful
to me is the blender!

Remember to bring your
pets to school next week

for human zoo day.

Yeah.

Oh, and I'd also like
to let everyone know

that we are switching back from
this soap to this soap, okay?

So just be aware.

Next,

I would like to offer
my personal endorsement

of Jessica Day as our next principal.

All right, well, first, I'd love to
open up the floor to questions. Anybody?

Oh, wow, okay.

Can you get rid of the white
lines in the parking lot?

- They're very restrictive.
- I think they're for...

Shouldn't we designate the green
space for European-style football?

And for Tofu Tuesday,

can we get a more
balanced juice pairing?

Didn't think I'd ever see you again.

I came to say goodbye.

Asher and I are moving to Colorado.

- Is that where Ally lives?
- No.

The city of Denver wants me to
landscape an entire mountain.

- It's a whole thing.
- How about once a week

in the dining hall we
serve sushi omakase?

- Oh, oh, okay.
- Guys, uh,

plenty of time to run
our suggestions by her.

But I assure you she
will be very amenable.

She is a principal for the parents.

Hmm?

Uh, actually, um, no.

I-I have to be honest here.

I...

That's not who I am.

I'm not gonna be a
principal for the parents.

I'm gonna be a principal for the kids.

Look, you all love your kids

and they're yours to raise,

but I'm an educator and
I know how to educate.

Colby, your son Vince
had the handwriting

- of a Hungarian doctor.
- Mm-hmm.

And that's why I encouraged him

to sign up for calligraphy
comics after school.

He didn't want to do
it, but look at him now.

I can finally read the captions
for his disturbing images.

And Molly, do you remember how terrified

Beatrice was of public
speaking in the second grade?

That's why I bumped her up
to fourth grade debate team.

Yeah, she made a toast
at my brother's wedding.

I mean, besides one
racist joke, she killed.

Ed, when I met Samanthia,

math was her least favorite subject.

Now she's doing fractions and loving it.

And yeah, she's didn't
win a demathlon medal

and I know that stung,

but it made her want to get better.

And isn't that what school is for?

Look, I think challenging your children

prepares them for the real world.

And if given the chance, I
think I can help your kids

and this school reach
its full potential.

And if that's not what you
want, and I'm not the right fit,

then I can live with that.

Genevieve, I got you something.

Something to remember me by.

Oh.

Shouldn't this be in a pot?

Oh, Genevieve.

You don't know anything.

I'm so glad I'm doing this.

You know, it was weird this
morning in the shower...

just me and tattoo you.

I was the only one who was naked

You know, we could loan
you the money to remove it.

I don't like debts.

All finished, guys.

Glad we all talked ourselves

into thinking that this somehow

makes the nightmare better.

Nick, I just want to say...

- I really think...
- I'm not getting a damn cat on my leg.

Drop it.