New Girl (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 13 - Sam, Again - full transcript

Boo! Sorry to startle you.

You didn't startle us.

Yeah, you struggled with the
lock for, like, 30 seconds.

I got a new job!

Babe, that's great.
Oh, that's awesome.

Well, not really "new."

I'm starting on a trial
basis tomorrow.

So where is it?

Is it at that super
crunchy school?

It's the most progressive
school in Los Angeles.

It's basically heaven
if heaven were populated



with kids that look like tiny
members of Arcade Fire.

Sounds like your dream job.

I'd give you a hug, but my shirt
smells pretty weird today.

Thank you.
I was actually worried.

It was getting rough out there.

(speaking French)

Ah...

La-la-la-la-la-la.

God, I miss Paris.

Stop it!

Wha...? I was drinking that.

It's Jess's.

Every time she gets
a job at a new school,

she brings back kid germs



that infect your filthy body.

Don't get me sick.

Don't get me sick either, man.

I got a date coming up,
and I might get to mouth-base.

I'm not gonna get sick.

No germ can live in a
body that is 65% beer.

Nick, are you eating
raisins from my purse?

I confiscated those from a kid.

That explains why
they're so sticky.

(chuckles)
Sticky Nicky eats anything

and I don't get sick.

Nick, you have, like, 7,500
raisins all over your room.

Why would you eat the...?
(sneezes)

I knew it. I knew it.

That was so immediate.

♪ ♪

And this is our
nondenominational Eden.

(Jess gasps)

Wow. I know.

JESS: Did the kids build
the chicken coup?

Yep. Only hens,
though, obviously.

Banyon Canyon has a strict
"zero cocks" policy.

I like how it... it encourages
the chickens to stay inside

but doesn't force them.

In line with our philosophy.

Who are we to tell the children
what to learn and when?

Their teachers?

Williamsburg ate
my seaweed, Genevieve.

No, I didn't.

Don, Williamsburg, do
I have your permission

to move this conflict
to the Feelings Farm?

W-Wait, Jess, we sit
on the floor.

Chairs are reserved
for the children's feelings.

Oh.

This is much better than solving
problems the Coolidge way.

There's a fight in the gym!

Oh, my God!

I got this, Jess.

CHILDREN (chanting):
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

(chanting stops)

I've been thinking about
starting to wear a watch again.

Let me open the barn door
and welcome Honesty.

BOTH: Hi, Honesty.

Williamsburg, now,
Honesty is here

and has no agenda
but to listen.

Honesty, I ate the seaweed.

And I'm sorry.

And, Don, do you have
anything to say to Honesty?

Honesty, sorry for
being so macho.

I'm sorry I picked you
last for touch basket.

I'm sorry I insulted you
for having a mommy and daddy.

Beautiful, Jess.

Well done.

Thank you.

Into quarantine, you.

Huge presentation

at Ass-Strat tomorrow,

and I cannot be sick for it.

Women I work with hate weakness.

You show up sick,
you-you might as well be dead.

(sneezes)

Uh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

No, uh, it wasn't really...

Get out.

Guys, I'm on the mend.

Sorry, Nick.

(sneezes)

Winston here has got that hot
coffee date tomorrow, so...

But, to be clear, the date's
hot, not the coffee.

Uh, thinking about going iced.

Don't look at my hands.

Thanks for backing me up, boo.
Oh, you know how boo do.

You know who's my boo?
I got a clue it's you.

Aw...

(sneezes)

So...

this is the most time
we've ever spent alone.

Pretty interesting observation
on your part.

Yeah.

What are we...
what are we watching?

We are having a...

I just started streaming it,
and now it won't stop playing.

Boy, ham sandwiches.

(laughs)

What is it?

It's hard to say.

It's either
a puppet show for kids,

or it's North Korean propaganda.

(screaming)

Pretty weird.

(screaming)

(Nick snickers)

(both chuckle)

GENEVIEVE: I feel like
we have a real connection.

Me, too.

I know it's only the first day
of your trial period,

but my gut is telling me...

you're a perfect fit.

I just... like, I'm so
happy here, I could cry,

but the gray water bucket's
too far away,

and I want to save my tears
to water these plants.

That's considerate. Ooh!

My partner's here
to pick me up.

I think you're gonna
really like him.

SAM: Sorry I'm late.

The string came out
of my prayer beads,

and they just bounced
all over the office.

Oh... So frustrating.

GENEVIEVE: Sam, I want
you to meet Jess.

This is the candidate we were
discussing in the shower.

Yeah. Jess, this
is Sam, my partner.

Hey, Jess.

You're a doctor for children.

Uh, it's, you know,
mostly paperwork.

How do you always look
so beautiful in the morning?

(grunts)

(Nick groans) Oh, my God.

You could have killed him.

(strained): I'm gonna
kick your ass, man.

Hi, Sam. Hi.

Have you met before?

We... Yeah, we've met.

We did. Yes, that's right,
we met, we met.

(laughing): How funny.
Um, a bunch of times.

A lot of times. Very many.
A lot of times.

We met a lot... Yeah.

Sometimes in the day,
sometimes...

in the, uh, nighttime.

Oh. It was, you know...

Yeah, we, I mean...

Yeah.

Oh.

Bye, Jess.

Nice to see you.

The fly shirts and the even
more fly shirts.

Okay, let's make this quick.

I need to work
on my presentation.

It's for a chair company,

and it's tentatively titled,

"I Hope You're Sitting
Down for This."

'Cause it's chairs. Yeah.

At which point you
would laugh if you weren't

so preoccupied with your date.

Okay, Winston,
what are you wearing?

Well, you know,
I don't want to overthink it.

It's just coffee, so...

So you're going to just
dress like you did today,

which apparently happened
during a solar eclipse

in a land of no mirrors.

Good note. Strong note.

Winston, listen to me. Yeah.

This is the first date

since the...
since the Aly heartbreak.

This date is going to define

the next chapter
of your dating story.

Wear these magnificent
sunglasses.

Put 'em on.

Oh, man.

You look like
Brad Pitt on a tank.

In that movie Furry. Yeah.

You ever see Furry? Furry? Nah.

It's a bunch of dudes on a tank.
They're, uh...

and they're outnumbered and
they shoot a bunch of people.

Are they dressed in...?

You should check it out.
Just look it up, Furry.

(chuckles)
Google "Furry," nice, yeah.

Hey, don't screw up this date,
it's important.

♪ ♪

(imitates sneeze)

(sniffles)

(coughing)

How is Genevieve dating Sam?

Is Los Angeles that small?

You guys even listening to me?

Yeah, we're listening.

(gibbers)

What-what did Queen Ta Ta say?

Well, the ball's tonight,

and Queen Ta Ta's got
nothing to wear,

so she's got to find a dress.

What the hell is this show?

BOTH: Poppycock Palace.

It's amazing.

Winston, when did you get sick?

You were fine this morning.

Oh, yeah, I'm super sick.

(imitates sneeze)

(sighs)
Genevieve just said, "Oh."

Oh's, like, the worst.

What should I do?

Don't do anything.
Just do nothing.

NICK: You're just
gonna make it worse.

Leave it alone, Jess.

Oh, I know.

I could go talk to Sam.
(nose blowing)

I could ask him to put in
a good word for me.

How long does it take
to get over a breakup?

Two years? Two years
is enough, right?

I swear to God, just leave it alone.
SCHMIDT: Let it lie.

Do nothing, Jess.

Four votes for leaving it alone.

That's what I'll do.

(all shouting)

I'll just do nothing.

Hi.

(chuckles)

I couldn't do nothing.

(groans) (coughing)

(coughs)

We must find this
Tee-Tee Wah Wah...

(sniffs loudly)

Humina humina humina humina...

(Nick groans)

(clears throat, Cece coughs)

(sniffling)

All these puppets do is sing
about how they're friends.

I'm starting
to not believe them.

(fanfare plays) Shh!

This is the best part.

The Tee-Tee Wah Wah was in...

(drumroll plays)

It's in the damn
Pee-Paw Playhouse!

Shh. Spoiler alert, man.

The Pee-Paw Playhouse!

(laughing)

Every time.

I've been saying
that for the past hour

'cause I saw you
put it in there!

You know what?

I can't. I can not.

I'm not sick.

I've been faking it.

There you go, Poppycock Palace.

You've outed me!

You're choosing to be in here?
Why?

'Cause I'm freaking out
about the date. Okay?

Why don't you want
to go on this date?

Because I'm not over Aly.

And I know
I should be moving on

and this girl is okay,

but she's not Aly.

(congested): No one is Aly.

What'd she say?

Wait.

Just hold.

Oh, please don't blow your nose.

You do it so disgustingly.

(blowing loudly)

Not done.

I don't need to know that bad
what you said.

(Cece blowing nose loudly)

(continues blowing)

I'm beggin' you to stop.
Just stop.

(sniffs wetly)

(coughs)

(clearly): No one is Aly.

Okay? You have to give
other people a chance.

You deserve to be happy,
Winston.

Just go on the date.

Or I could fire up
another episode

and we could see where they hide
the Tee-Tee Wah Wah this time.

I wonder where it would be.

(breathing roughly)

No, I'm-I'm gonna go
on the date.

Yeah, I think I'll do that.

You guys are right.

Could you tell
your future husband

to let me out
of this room, please?

I love that man,

but he is not letting
anyone out of this room.

Just being in here

makes you fully contaminated.

(puppets chattering happily)

Uh, hey, I was hoping

you could put in
a good word for me.

I know you're mad...

No, I'm not mad, Jess.

I'm just, you know,
bummed that you're at my house.

Obviously, I know
I messed up our relationship

and you probably think
I'm a bad person,

but if you could... Jess!

What are you doing here?

At my lover's house?

Oh!

Hi! Hi.

Um, were you... Making love?

Just finished.

He defused me like a bomb.

That sounds nice.

Um... Did you bake...

Sam brownies?

No. Chocolate's way too sexual.

(laughs)

This is just good,
old-fashioned Kansas cornbread.

Jess...

No. (Chuckles)

my gut is telling me

this isn't going to work out.

Please give me a chance
to make this right.

Five minutes.

Mmm...

(high-pitched): Mmm...

♪ ♪

Okay, good morning.

Yes, help yourself to a bagel.

Hmm.

They're all the same, Jan.

No need to put your hands
on every one of them.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

as you know,

on the seventh day,
God... he rested.

Yes, that's right.

God rested on the seventh day.

But the question remains:

What did he rest on?

That's right.

He rested... on a chair.

(sneezes)

Oh...

Look underneath your butts.

You will find

mankind's greatest invention.

(exhales) Without chairs,
do you know what we have?

Squat, both position
and diddly kind.

JESS:
Sam, you got rid of your sofa.

Boy, that thing
really gave me a rash.

Five minutes, Jess.

Okay, look.

I know it's weird to hire

your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend,

but I think it's another way

in which we are linked.

You are the best candidate
we've had in a long time.

Thank you. As we all know,

healing is talking.

Samuel, what do you think?

I would love to explore
all of this with you,

but I have
a circumcision to perform.

Hopefully not your own.

Just kidding.
I know you're circumcised.

Ha, ha. Yeah.

Well, not that I think
about it, it just...

I mean, I'm definitely not
picturing it right now.

I am picturing it.

Only 'cause we talked about it.

How long did you two
share your journeys?

Couple months.
But at first it was just sex.

Mmm. Mmm.

SAM: I used sex

as a wall around my heart.

Mmm. Uh, Jess climbed that
wall many, many times.

Mmm.
Uh, couldn't stop climbing it.

I think I was not the only
climber to climb that wall.

Until we decided to become

a one-wall,
one-climber mountain.

And then you invited
another climber

to lick your toehold.

My roommate, Nick, kissed me.

I'm so sorry, Sam.

I exist only in the present.

All of that's behind me.

What... what about this Nick?

Is he sorry?

I think Nick's
kind of still upset

that Sam punched him
in the throat.

What?

Sam...

so tender and delicate...

You haven't met Nick.

He's just the most
throat-punchable boy

in all the world.

I don't care. I don't even...

Nick is a whatever,
I don't even have to...

Sam, do you need this Nick
to apologize for wounding you?

I do.

JESS: So, Nick...

I'm wondering if you could

come in the other room with me

and just, like, real quick,

apologize to Sam for kissing me?

No.

Jess, I told you
to leave it alone.

I didn't, though.

I made it worse.

Now the only way

I'm gonna get that job

is if Nick apologizes to Sam.

Jess, he hit me.
He's gonna hit me again.

He's not gonna hit you.

Please, it's my dream job.

(puppets chattering)

I'd like to apologize, Nick,

for punching you in the throat.

I know it hurt a whole lot.

Not that much,
but you did it, so...

Okay.

And I feel like you should
apologize to me

for kissing my girlfriend.

Yes, uh, right.

Cool.

(exhales)
Well, that went so well.

I-I don't really feel like
that was a genuine apology,

and-and I'd really like one.

Yeah. I mean... did you
feel like it was genuine?

No. Actually, he
didn't even apologize.

Cool beard, Sam.

What'd you just say
about my beard, bro?

"Bro"?

Yeah, I just said "cool beard."

I think your beard
looks really cool.

Talk about my beard
one more time, bro.

Sam, "bro" is a beach term.

The beard is very fun.
Say "beard."

You want me to say the word

that starts with a "B,"

ends with a "D"? Yeah.

Say "beard" one more time, bro.

Say the word "beard," bro!

(quietly): Beard.

(grunts) Oh! Oh!

Nick, are you dying?

'Cause it looks
like you're dying!

Not dying.

Who are you?
I don't know what it is.

I just can't help it
with this guy.

Why didn't you just hit me
in the nads

like a normal person, Sam?

Well, I'm leaving.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait! Don't, don't go!

Nobody goes.

Jim Morrison.

That's who you look like.

We are solving this conflict

in the mother-loving
Feelings Farm.

Those sunglasses are amazing.

Well, they're made
even more amazing

by your reflection in them.

Wait, how are you seeing
my reflection in them?

You got me. I'm not.

(both laugh)

I'm just running game.

Are you this smooth-talking
in regular glasses?

No, I'm not
that smooth-talking, no.

I'm not.
I'm not gonna lie to you.

JESS: Honesty,

I stole coffee
from a bagel restaurant.

Um, I didn't know
how the line worked.

Okay, now I've talked.

Uh, who wants to go next... Sam?

Sure, uh, Honesty,

I honestly want Nick to
apologize for kissing Jess.

I did apologize, Sam.

Real, real quick... you have
to address Honesty directly.

You want me to talk to a chair?

(quietly): I don't want to.

Hey, you like soup?

Right? You like soup, right?

Of course I like soup.

All right, well,
address the chair

and I'll make you some soup.

NICK: No strings attached.

Well, except for the
string of the chair.

All right.

Honesty,

I'm, uh, sorry I ki...

You know what? I'm not.

I'm not sorry
that I kissed your girlfriend.

'Cause, first of all,

she wanted me to!

And it was fun.

It felt great.

And then we dated
for a long time

and that was fun.

You were out of the picture,
not even in her thoughts.

It was a whole new thing.
We just, we fell in love

with each other,
like crazy love... like,

a lot of good memories,
a lot of passion.

A lot of good sex. Nick.

We once tried to sneak
into the Kids' Choice Awards,

and we got in
and watched a bunch of kids

get awards.

So, yeah.

Nick. Topped...

Okay. I have a fever of 103

and I'm talking to a chair and
I'm not a great talk... O-Okay.

Cool, cool. Well, I think
everything's good then.

Sam, I can feel you
holding back.

If you can't be honest now

in this strange place
to that hideous chair,

how can I trust you
with my mind,

my breasts

and my precious yoni.

Sounds like it's full
of yarn. (Laughs)

Okay, fine. Honesty, all right,

I... had a really hard time

opening up to someone
and then I met Jess

and...

and I thought we were...

We were great together.

And then Nick kissed her,

and I-I went down
kind of a weird path.

I gained 85 pounds.

And then I lost, like, 100.

I had no idea.

Poured almost all my money
into silkworms.

They froze to death.

Now I'm doing yoga, meditation,

and... I'm a vegan

and I don't know.

What the hell have I become?

Look at these shoes, huh?

Look at these ridiculous shoes!

I like those shoes.

They're made
from recycled shoes.

They are so dumb!

I don't know who I am!

I want

to go back to who I was!

There he is.

The real Sam.

Wow!

(exclaiming)

What a breakthrough! Sam.

It is an honor to meet you.

I'm Genevieve.

And I am also dumping you.

Okay, that's great.

That's perfect, yeah.

As usual, I have had
a terrible time

in your horrible loft

with all of you idiot people.

Sam, wait!

If you take your bike,
will you relock mine?

Thank you.

Oh, Genevieve, I am so sorry.

Don't be, don't be.

I wanted a resolution

and I got one.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to call

my childhood phone number
and scream at whoever picks up.

I'll see you Monday.

Wait, I got the job?

Of course you did.

This was one of
the most profound.

Feelings Farm I have
ever been a part of.

Radical, Jess, radical.

Uh, yeah, I have questions

about where to park and stuff,
but you know,

I'll just, uh, I'll text you!

Ha! (Door closes)

What if the big letter
comes back?

I can't believe
it just took a high fever

for me to like this show.

Not if it's silent!

Well, I hate it.

Why is the Crispy Castle

bigger than Mount Tummy Tum?

It's dang gibberish.

How was your presentation?

(groans)
Well, thank you for asking.

It was a disaster.

We can expect robust grow...

(snorts)

Are you holding in a sneeze?

(quietly): Mm-mm.

(quiet sneeze)

God, where did it even go?

(chuckles)

(sneezing)

Son of a bitch.

How did I get sick?
I was so careful.

You did the best you could.
I have no idea, man.

We're missing Poppycock.
You guys,

I hate that Sam's
out there mad at me.

Because he's mad at you

or because you still
have feelings for him?

Because he's mad at me.
If I could just...

ALL: Leave it alone.
Leave it alone, Jess.

Right. You're right.

Wow, you shaved.

I mean, not "wow"
like I like it.

I mean... I don't not like it.

What are you doing here?
I, I don't want your cornbread.

It's not cornbread. It's, uh,

it's brownies.

(laughs) Um...

Hey, I'm sorry we broke up.

And I think for me
it was just...

weird timing.

But I agree with you.

We were...

great together.

Really great.

(both chuckle)

Get out of my life.

Big shift in tone there.

(sighs)

Eh, Nick'll eat 'em.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH