New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 9 - Thanksgiving IV - full transcript

Friends, ex-girlfriend,
Winston,

months ago I warned you
that winter was coming.

And for the cold and wretched
days ahead,

I stressed our need
to take lovers

and take them quickly.
JESS:
Your head is huge.

(chuckles)
Your hat's

the size of a garbage can.

NICK:
You look great in that hat, man.
What a hunk.

JESS:
You look like Jewish Pharrell.

Th-Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Okay.

Now, winter is now here.



And I vow that we will not miss

our final opportunity
for sexual realization in 2014.
Did you steal

my belt buckle,
you Silly Billy?

Enough out of you, Winston!

Silly Billy? Dude.

If you unzipped your face and
an old white woman popped out,

I would not be shocked.

Really?
- No.

I would.
- I would be very surprised.

That is why this year
we will not

be celebrating Thanksgiving.

Instead, we will
be celebrating...

Remember last Thanksgiving
when I almost died?

(others agreeing, chattering)



...Bangsgiving! We'll be
celebrating Bangsgiving!

Why can't you let me just have
this, you guys? Please.

Okay. You've been talking about
this for, like, a week, Schmidt.

We get it. Let's just
pick names already.
- Jess,

I can't believe that you are
into Bangsgiving.

I just want to meet a guy
so I can forget about Ryan.

Just date him, Jess.
'Cause I'm his boss,

and it's against the rules
for me to date him.

Just date him. It's a dumb rule.

It's against the rules.
Take the hat.

Oh.
- Now, whosever name
you pick, that's who

you'll be bringing a date for.

And no date leaves
until everyone is laid.

I just want
to meet a nice fella.

Can I have permission
to send them home

without sex?
No, you do not.

I think everybody's date
should be able to leave.

NICK:
Yeah, your plan

sounds a little kidnappy.

What's the rule
on that, Winston?

Eh, gray area. We're good.

Winston is in. My man.
And, okay, nobody say

who you picked.
It'll ruin the surprise.

Oh, crap.
You picked me.

No! How'd you know?
- And now

you're gonna set me up
with you, aren't you?

Cece, I-I know that this holiday

is a bittersweet memory
for your people,

but, please, do not
take that out on me.
Wrong kind of Indian.

Okay, well, I picked you, too,
so I want to re-pick.

No re-picking.
And no more telling.

So, listen up, uh,
for whoever picked me,

I just want you to know
that I have really gotten
into feet lately,

so do with that what you will.
No one do anything
with that.

Can I just say
no mustaches?
I'd like someone tall.

She's got to have an ass.
Can I just reiterate
the whole feet thing?

I want to say
who I picked so bad.

I'm looking for a fake redhead.
With a medium-sized neck.

I just want
to be slapped around.

So, Pearl, I told Winston
that you work at my school.

And, um, Winston is about
to become a cop,

which you've probably
already gathered from the fact

that he pinned his badge
to his sport coat.

What?
(chuckles)

How did that
get there?

Let me freshen your drink.
(chuckles)

Excuse me a second.

(whispering):
Hey, Coach. Coach.

Look at what Jess brought me.

Oh, Pearl?
Yeah, she's great, man.

Hey, come here.
You got something on your face.

Really? What is it? Ow.
It's, like, right...

What were you thinking,
bringing me that girl

from the police academy?

What's wrong with Pepper?

Allow me...

(chuckles)
Arms!

She's jacked, dude.
You should've warned me

you were setting me up with one
of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

I'm sure she's not that bad.

Whoa.

Where was she
when I was cracking walnuts

for the stuffing?
- Look,

she's fantastic.
She's beautiful.

You're gonna love her.

Now, if you jerks

will excuse me, this Bishop's

got to capture himself a queen.

She's doing push-ups.

For your lady.

Thank you.
Thank you very much, Jess.

Pearl, she's...
Yeah, she's great.

What grade does she teach?
Oh, she doesn't teach.
She's the lunch lady.

(chuckles)
You said the lunch lady?
Yeah.

So where exactly
is this "date" of mine?

All right, I invited Lucy,
like you asked.

Your date's name is Geoff

and he will be here.
By the way,

he spells Geoff with a "G,"
so you know he comes from money.

NICK: Well, I think
the real difference is

crocodiles
are man-eaters

and alligators...
What in the bloody hell?

Uh, hey, Nick.
What is Tran doing here?

Oh, well,
I picked my own name.

So you said to bring somebody.
So I thought it'd be weird

if I didn't bring someone.
So I just brought Tran.

You brought an old Asian man
to my sex party

so it wouldn't be weird?

Relax.
He didn't come empty-handed.

He brought a game.
It's like Thailand Monopoly.

Yeah, all the squares are jail
except for one piece of property

which we all have
to fight each other for.

But don't get caught
in the Red Light District.

This isn't
a freaking game night, Nick.
Okay, chill out.

(knocking)
You... You're making a mockery
of this holiday and you know it.

I didn't mean
to make fun of Thailand,

if that's
where you're from even.

Hey.
- Lucy.

It's so good to see you.
How are you?

Oh, I'm great.
- Lucy? Lucy's here
with Schmidt?

Where's my set-up, already?
I'm looking at the menu,

and I see a lot of skirt
but no steak.

I think that Coach picked you,
so watch out.

'Cause I'm sure he's gonna bring
one of his clients

or weird, like, gym buddies.

(whispering):
Ryan.

What?
Ryan. Ryan.

Ryan-Ryan?
He brought Ryan. Oh, God.

I don't think I can
even look at him,

like, without
getting pregnant.

He just oozes sex.

Good holiday to you!
I've come with biscuits!

(groaning)

Hey, hey, hey, Schmidt,
Lucy? I-I used to date Lucy.

Oh, I know, bro.
I met her that day you gave
me the pass to your gym.

Hey, do you have any snacks?!

Yeah, you blew her off. I didn't
think it would be a problem.

Oh, it's a problem.
I'm telling you it's a problem.

And I forbid you
from dating her,

so...
(whistles) cut it off.

Grounds?
The statute of limitation
hasn't expired.

You dated her three years ago

for, like,
two and a half months.

The statute is very specific.
1,000 showers.

After that, no claim.
And if you think

I've showered 1,000 times
in the past three years,

then you're out of your mind.

Did you ever spend more than $65
on her, not including tip?

It's tough. There were a
lot of coupons involved.
Did you ever watch her dog?

Trick question: she had fish
and I killed them.

You ever get her a gift?

Every time we had sex.

(laughs)
No claim.
- (laughs) No claim?

Hi, Nick.
It's been a long time.

Lucille.
Great to see you.

Do you still like to
eat, uh... popcorn?

I guess so.
Oh, you see that?
I know her foods.

You must
have spoiled her, huh?

You know, if you'll excuse us,
I'm gonna give Lucy the tour.

Come on, Lucy.

I'm calling
my penis "the tour."

My tour's more satisfying.

His is all about him.
Mine's about you sometimes.

Hi.

Hi. Uh, thanks
for inviting me tonight.

I-I didn't realize
this was a singles party.

Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry.

Did Coach say that
with a Sean Connery accent?

Did he say "shingles"?
'Cause he was...

He actually meant shingles.
Like the... like...

Everybody here
is a-a roofer.

Look, the last time
I saw you, I kissed you.

I know that. We both know that.

Mm.
But this can't happen.

Are we attracted
to each other?

Yes. Do I sing Oasis songs
to myself and pretend

that they were inspired
by your love for me? I do.

But my job is to
enforce the rules.

And I love my job. And
I worked hard to get it.

So this cannot happen.

Is that why you've locked me
in your bedroom

and undone the top button
on your dress?

I didn't undo the t...

Well, I did.

But that was an accident.
That wasn't for you.

It was for me.

I just need to know that you
will respect the rules

and that this
will go no further.

I'll do my best.

Looks like you missed a few.

What?

Okay, I summoned
everyone to the roof

because Bangsgiving is in peril.

All of you are focusing
on things

that have nothing
to do with getting laid.

Let us please not repeat
the mistakes that we made

at my Eight Nights
of Hump-akah party.

Now, what is
the freakin' problem?

Coach did the opposite
of what I asked.

Come on, Jess, you guys
would be great together.

It's a dumb rule,
all right?
- Dumb rule.

At least he turns you on.
Pepper makes my ding-dong

and my ping-pongs
go into my body.

Can somebody help
me with this keg?

Yeah, sure.
Pepper's got it.

(grunts)

What if she doesn't know
her own strength down there, and

Be a nightmare.
- she mushes it, or,
like, rips it off

and throws it across the room
like a hot dog?

That's nothing. Jess brought me
a hot lunch lady.

What am I supposed
to do with that?

Do sex with
the lunch lady.

Wait.
- That's obvious.
I have a real...

I know how it sounds.
I know how it sounds,

but she's a... like,
a real lunch lady.
- That's hot.
- No.

A woman that's willing,
ready and able...
NICK: That's not an issue.

After she has sex with you,
she can put food in your mouth.

That's not a problem at all.
I do have a real problem.

Schmidt is trying to sleep with
a woman I've already slept with.

Well, at least he has a date,
because mine never showed up.

Geoff is coming! Apparently,
a wild peacock got loose

on the freeway,
and is holding up traffic.

Now, you guys,
we have guests downstairs.

And if we don't get back to them
soon, they're gonna get spooked.

Um, so, have you always
been from England?

I'm not going downstairs

until Schmidt agrees
to not sleep with Lucy.

Okay, yeah, sure. Never!

According to the statute,

if you two can't agree,
we take it to a vote.

The winner gets the
girl, the loser

gets five grilled
cheese sandwiches.

NICK:
I'll agree to that.
Let's do it.

All right, all those in favor

of Schmidt not sleeping with
Lucy, raise your hand now.

I don't care.
Couldn't care less.

Raise 'em up.

Put 'em up.

Huzzah! Warning: tonight
things will get loud with Lucy.

But don't worry. I'll have her
jam a sock in my mouth

right before I see angels.

Okay, guys, what
about me?
- Get your own sock.

No. What am I gonna do
about Ryan?

Just have sex with him.

Look, bang one out,
get it out of your system.

I don't do that.
You should do that.

You should bang one out.
Yeah, makes
the most sense.

What?!
- Nothing else has worked,
okay, and the best way

to get over a crush is just
to do something about it.

I don't know.
Plus, he's British, so you know
the sex will be weirdly polite.

(with British accent):
Do you mind if I finish now?

He doesn't sound
like Oliver Twist.

(British accent):
Do you like that?
Is that good, eh?

All right. Here we go.

One-- really? Two-- what?

(indistinct British mumbling)

Hey, you like it
when I do it like that, eh?

That was spot-on.

All those in favor

of Jess doing Ryan,
raise your hand.

(talking quietly)

Oh, he's trying
to mess with me?

Here I go.

Cecilia.

No, you cannot
have my beer.

(laughs)

NICK: You think I'm going
after the beer.

You okay?
- Mm.

Okay, great.

(groans)

(talks quietly)

(phone buzzing)

(gasps)

Happy Bangsgiving.

(whispers):
Close the door.

Oh, my God.

Is there nothing
underneath that apron?

Just a little white meat
looking for some gravy.

That probably wasn't very sexy.
I shouldn't have said that!

No, it was very becoming.

I'm totally confused
about these oven mitts.

How else am I supposed to take
a hot dish out of the oven?

These mitts were a bad idea.

What, uh, got you in the-the,
uh, holiday, uh, sp-spirit?

Well, I like you, you like me.

Why don't we just...
bang one out of our system?

Bang one out
of our system?

It sounds really bad.
I get that.

And I hear it now,
it sounds awful.

But we just bang one
out of our system, and then,

we can go back to our strictly
professional relationship,

and I can stop thinking about
you all the time, which I do.

I didn't come here
to bang one out.

Well, you know what I mean.

Look...
- I care about you.

Well...
- Jess, I'm crazy about you.

Ryan, look. Oh, God,
it's so complicated.

Can I just put some pants on
when we talk about this?

It is complicated.

This would have been worth it.

Oh, God. Ryan. Ryan!

Oh, God!

NICK:
Oh! Yeah!

(hooting, whooping
and overlapping chatter)

SCHMIDT:
Oh, no!

Freaking Bangsgiving.

SCHMIDT:
No, I actually put those
in there myself.

I'll tell you, I wouldn't
eat asparagus though.

It makes your pee smell.

(laughs)
- Mmm.

Hey, Cece, I got
that $20 I owe you.

It's, uh... it's
in my bedroom.

Okay.

Yeah, it's right this way.

You're really
sexy for a Jew.

Not now, woman!

Wait. What?

Who needs men?
You don't need a man.

You can lift your
own furniture.
- Hey, Pepper.

Oh, God.
- Oh, my God,
are you okay?

I am so sorry.
You approached my blind spot.
(Coach groans)

Your money's in here somewhere.
Let me just find it, okay?
Oh, great.

Oh!

What's wrong? You hurt yourself?

No. It's just not there.
Uh, let me.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh. Ooh,
that feels so good!

When I'm looking for your money,
it feels so good.

(laughing):
Oh! I love that!

You're a nasty woman!

'Cause you're making me
give the money to you.

Nick...

Oh, Cece, you love this!
Getting your money.

What exactly are you
doing right now?
- (whispers):
I'm getting your money.

You're definitely
not getting my money.

In no world
do you have my money.

I was flirting with you

to give Schmidt a taste
of his own medicine.

Okay? And it's a huge mistake,

and insulting to everyone
involved, and I'm sorry.

Yeah, and also, he would never

fall for that at all, okay?

You're a dead man,
Miller!

Don't. Don't.

SCHMIDT:
I'll choke you to death.

I'll choke you to death.

CECE:
Barely fighting.

Schmidt, nothing was going on!

He was just trying
to make you jealous.

Please. I know that!

He would never hit on you.
You're on my Never List.

I know she's on your Never...
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?

You're pissed at me for bringing
Lucy, and you bring Tran

as a date?
Hey, leave Tran out of this.
He fought in Korea!

I don't know which side,
but I know he's a war hero.

You couldn't find one of
those drunk girls at the bar?

The ones with no
family or friends?

That's your sweet spot, man.

I know I could have.
I didn't want to.
- Why not?

What kind of woman
have you been sleeping with

since you and Jess broke up?

Terrible ones.

And how does that make you feel?

Terrible.

Then really good.

Expected. Expected.

There you go.
- But then,
immediately after, terrible.

I'm just gonna put this
out there, but I think

you'd probably rather like
to sleep with someone

who doesn't make you feel
terrible,

but you're just a little
afraid of getting hurt again.

No, that doesn't sound right.

You know, growing up,

we had this lunch lady
named Ms. Witten.

One day, I cut in line so
I can get extra Tater Tots,

and as punishment, she
made me eat the entire tray

in front of her...

while she stared at me
for a long period of time.

I'm not sure if you know how
hard that is for a growing boy.

How old were you?
- I was 18.

(laughs)

If it helps, we're called
lunch monitors now.

No one says
"lunch lady" anymore.

Oh. Kind of like how we can't
call little people "shrinkies."

Oh. Lunch Monitor
Pearl. I like it.

Excellent form.

You don't have a hard job.

So, I saw your
butt earlier.

It's been holding up nicely.

It does the trick.

And I noticed,
uh, Ryan left.

Yeah. Ugh!
It's so embarrassing.

I kind of came onto him,

and he told me
he wanted more than just sex.

He wanted more than sex
and that's a bad thing? How?

Well, look, I'm his boss.

We could get sued,
and I could get fired.

There's a reason
it's against the rules.

You gotta br... okay.

Remember when we tried to watch
Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

Okay, I stick by that--
that kid is not a hero.

All he does is break rules.
What's so great about that?

You're taking Rooney's side.
No one takes Rooney's side.

I'm a vice principal--
Rooney is my people.

Ferris hijacks a parade.

That is an act of terror.

You want to know what I think,
'cause you're not going

to like it.
- What?

I don't think this is
about breaking rules.

I think Ryan scares you.

You like him, and you're
going to have to put yourself

out there again,
and that scares you.

But look,

life moves really fast.

And if you don't stop and
look around once in a while,

you just might miss it.

Is that from Ferris Bueller?

Yes, it is.
- Okay.

It's a terrific movie.
- All right.

And I delivered it perfectly.

It was pretty good.

What are you doing here?

You're fired.

(laughs)
Just kidding.

Oh, God.

You left without eating
so I thought, um...

I'd bring you a pie.
Well, most of a pie.

The guys ate some of it.
That's a lie.

I ate-I ate-I ate a piece
on the way over.

I-I ate two pieces.

Three pieces.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Would you like to come inside?

No, um, I came here
to say something

and that is...

I want more, too.

This dish is empty.

Okay. I ate the whole pie.

Look, I don't know
what I'm doing

or where this is going

(sighs)
and I'm scared, but...

it's worth it
'cause it feels big.

And that's why I'm going
to leave right now,

and we're going to take it slow.

Wow.

Well, tonight is Bangsgiving,

and I have to honor my
American traditions.

And it's my duty
as an American...

I think I'm going to stop
being afraid and start dating.

You probably knew
all along, didn't you?

If only I could
meet a girl like you, Tran.

Your face, your brain--
throw it in a dress.

Oh, daddy,
I'd be with her forever.

I'm getting off topic.

Thanks for the talk.
I feel a lot better.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tran, are these all yours?

Come on, man.

I thought you were
switching to white wine.

How do you think you're going
to get home now?

You're not driving, so how are
you going to get home?

(knocking)

Hey.

Are you Nick?

You the guy who's obsessed
with my grandfather?

Grandpaps,
you ready to go?

Hey.
- (screams)

Ah, ah, ha... hey.

I'm taking off. Um...

sorry I body-slammed you

but this doesn't feel like
it's working out

so I don't really want
to waste our time.

Look, Pepper, um...

I think you're beautiful,

and very nice.

I just, uh...

You know, I'm not used to...

dating women that
are stronger than me.

How do you know
that I'm stronger than you?

Do you want to arm wrestle?

Yeah, like I'm that insecure
that I have to prove

my masculinity by
arm wrestling a girl.

(yells)
Come on.

Ready?
- Yeah.

One, two, three.

(grunting)

(yells)

Yes! That's how you do it!

That's how it's
uh-uh-uh done!

(moaning)
- (giggling)

Thank you for
letting me win.

Sure. Anytime.

Well, Lucy left.

Turns out she's a bit
of an anti-Semite.

Hmm.
- Yeah, looks like
we both struck out.

Okay, Schmidt,
there is no Geoff.

Come on. But to honest, I'm
kind of glad there isn't.

You know,
Thanksgiving should be spent

with the people
that you care about.

Let me get you a beer.

By the way...

you're on my Never List, too.

Hi.

Are you Cece?

I'm Geoff.

Um, I'm Schmidt's friend.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I hit a peacock on my way here

and then I held it in my arms
until it died.

It was horrible,
but also kind of uplifting.

Um, anyway,
I brought creamed spinach.

(speaking Hindi)

♪ It takes time ♪

♪ You worry too much ♪
(panting)

(panting continues)

♪ All those sunny days ♪

(grunts)
- Yeah! (laughs)

♪ You worry too much ♪

There's my number.
- Gr...

Tran! Hey, would you
hit that. Maybe...

Yeah.

♪ 'Cause nothing is real ♪

♪ When you're all alone ♪

♪ 'Cause nothing is real ♪

♪ My mother told me so ♪

♪ Don't let the sun kiss
your lips ♪

♪ She knows all of the tricks ♪

♪ Let the sun
kiss your lips... ♪

Ed Rooney.

CAMERON (over phone):
Hi. This is George Peterson.

How are you today, sir?

JESS (groans in frustration):
It's not him, Rooney.

This movie should be called
The Day Rooney Tried to Do
His Job.