New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 10 - Girl Fight - full transcript

Hey, hey, hey.
Scoot down, scoot down.

Nick, what are
you doing?
- What are you doing?

Sorry, just scoot down.
I need to iron this shirt

that I'm wearing for my date
with Tran's granddaughter.

It's either this
or the turtleneck

my mother bought me in 2009.

They're my only clean shirts.

The short-sleeved turtleneck?
Don't do that.

Okay, look, we need
this whole table

for Nadia's baby shower,
all right? So, move along.

Nadia-- isn't that
the Russian chick who broke, uh,



Schmidt's, uh...

SCHMIDT:
Will to live?

After she broke my penis?

(chuckles)

Who saw her and thought,

"That's the woman I want to be
the mother of my children"?

She's not sure.
- Yeah, she calls it
her little "sex party miracle."

Do you have to iron here?

It's the only flat surface!

Besides Winston's desk--
but he's using it

to study for his
police academy test,

and he is "not to be disturbed."

Not enough, not enough.

There's an ironing board
in the bathroom.



I know, but I've been using that
to wedge it between two urinals

to keep Schmidt from peeking.

But fine, I'll use that!

Coach! Coach!

My Charlie Rose episodes,
all 18 of them, are gone.

DVR is chockablock
filled with

American football
matches, which,

by the way, is
a garbage... Oh!

We cool?
- (exhales)

Yeah, we cool.
- Cool.

What the hell just happened?

Fight.
- Yeah. Now it's over.

I barely even
remember it.

I cannot believe you guys
handle things that way.

I'm starting to think
that neither one of you read

the Madeleine Albright biography
I gave you for Christmas.

(chuckles) I'm so glad
we don't fight.

I know.
- Oh, please. Women fight.

Well, we occasionally
get into a little thing.

Yeah, I mean, like we just had
that thing with the purse--

but that was, like,
barely even a thing.
- Yeah.

That was nothing--
I mean, there's no point
in even talking about it.

Oh.
- (gasps) Oh.

Oh.
- No, you should
have that.

No, you should have it.
No, you take it.

No, you take it.
No, you take it.

I want you to take it.
No. Take it.

Look, I want you to have it

'cause it would look good
on you.

No, it's made for you.
You... No.

But then we both decided
that it was better

if neither one
of us bought it.

Yep.
- The neon yellow purse?

With the strap?
Yeah, I've seen that.

It's in your closet.

I wonder how many
rubber duckies

needed to die
to make that thing.

Uh, Schmidt, you don't know
what you're talking about.

I got to run.

Oh...
- What?

Thank you so much for helping
with the baby shower.

You know, you are just the best.
No, you're the best.

Whoa.
- Did I tell you I love
your top, by the way?

No. Oh, I just found this
in the back of my closet.
What's... what's happening?

(whispers):
You said too much.

So, I'll call you later?
Definitely.

Okay. Bye!
- Bye!

(door closes)

Oh, my God!

What just happened?

That's a girl fight.

Schmidt, stay
out of it, man.

Girl fights are
dangerous, okay?

I grew up with
three sisters,

and I wore a cup until
I was 14 years old.

What's wrong?

They planned to wear braids
and bows and didn't tell me

on purpose.

There. Now you match.

Well, congratulations
on having sisters,

but I know women.
You blindfold me,

spin me around
and drop me into a rainstorm,

and I'll still find the G-spot.

Schmidt...
Let us not forget
that I had boobs

for the first 19 years
of my life.

I grew up as a fat,
asexual friend-zoner.

You can't buy
that kind of access.

Schmidt, I'm talking about how
women act towards other women.

You don't want to get
in the middle of that.
- Coach...

Jess has the purse.
I saw it in her closet

when it was rainy
and I was bored

and I was feeling snoopy.

COACH:
No, no, no...
See?

Look-- the purse.

In the immortal words of Tag
Team, "Whoop. There it is."

Fine. I went back
and I bought the purse,

'cause I love it.

(groans)
I love purses.

And that doesn't mean
I'm not a feminist, either.

I'm a damn feminist
who loves purses.

Where else am I supposed
to keep my feminist writings?

In a purse, that's where.

Lena Dunham.

I don't know. I...

Jess, it's a purse.
Who cares? Just apologize.

Cece and I have been friends
for 20 years.

Do you know why? Because
we're passive-aggressive people.

We never confront
anything.

That's the way it works with us.
It always has.

Hi.

Hi.

And that was one of
the worst fights we've ever had.

And if I bring up the purse,

then everything else
comes up with it.

Too many things
have happened.

Women have amazing memories.

Because we used to be
the gatherers,

and so we had to remember

where all the best berries
were hidden.

And Cece and I,

we've hidden berries
all across the Great Plains.

Colorado, Kansas,

Montana,

Nebraska-- need I say more?

Coach gets it.

See, Cece and I,
we're gonna be fine,

'cause it's gonna play out
the way it always does.

We're not gonna talk
for three days,

and then
I'll surprise her

with a latte.
And then we'll act

like nothing happened.
Three days without Cece?

Do I have to spend
three days without Cece?

Yes. I don't trust you
around her.

She makes you weak
and penis-dumb.

Three days without Cece?
Why don't you just

replace my shoes with bags
and turn me into a lunatic?

Stay out of it, man.
Stay the hell out of it, bro.

Here's a different take:
Why don't I spend
more time with her?

Stay out of it.
- I'm confused.

Now, should I...
Are you asking me

to spend more time with
her or stay out of it?

Like, for real?

(groans)

I hate this.
I hate first dates.

Me, too.
- I hate all...

I hate the second ones
and the third ones

and the fourth ones.
Me, too. Yeah. Yeah.

I hate dates.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.
The first ones are the worst.

Yeah.

This is terrible.
They're terrible.
They're awkward.

I feel like I'm being weird.
You're not being weird.

Yeah, I am.
- I'm the weirdo.

I wanted to do
this all night.

Oh.

That is so stupid.
(laughs)

I hated that I did it.

I feel like
I'm being weird, too.

How?
I don't know how. Just...

Well, now you are.

These sweaters.
I got sweater shoulder.

Now... when you do that,
it's very weird.

But before, it wasn't.

Just don't do
sweater shoulder.

Please don't tell Tran
how bad this is going.

Oh, I will.

Don't. It'll be so embarrassing.

Yeah.
He's probably my best friend.

Really?
Yes.

You're not his best friend.

(laughing)

That's a terrible thing to say.
(laughing)

It's true.

This is going great.
Oh, God, I hate this.

I just want to sit around and
do nothing, but that is not hot.

That's hot to me.

You add some
sweatpants

to that, and that is
better than porn.

(chuckles)
I love porn.

But I like to mute it
and come up with
my own voices, like,

(deeply): "Hey, that's a very
interesting mesh cat suit."

(high-pitched): "Thank you.
It used to be my grandmother's."

(laughs)
- Something like that.

Cheers.

Yeah.

That was a weird cheers!

Can we go?!

(laughs): Yes. Let's get
out of here. This sucks!

(laughing,
speaking unintelligibly)

So cute.

Yeah, it's like they're
made for each other.

They haven't moved
in three days.
- Very weird.

Alarming, even.

Wait, doesn't
she work or...?

Shouldn't you be studying?

Or live somewhere?

Shouldn't you be studying?

Or have worried
loved ones?
- Studying?

Coach, this is gonna
take some serious

investigative
police skills.

But I'm onto her.

I didn't know girls
could be so slovenly.

I did. I have sisters.

Oh, my God, we know.

(grunts)

We cool?
We cool.

Oh. Just who
I was looking for.

Hey.
- How would you like
a piping hot latte?

Thanks, Jess,
but, you know, I, um...

I can buy my own.

What did you do?

Is this about the socks?

You weren't supposed to talk
to Cece. What happened?

Well, I had to see her.

I can't go three days
without seeing Cece.

(exhales) And it went
just like you said it would.

I'm gonna go get the purse.

She played me
like John Popper plays that

little harmonica
and fiddle thing.

Ugh! She's like
a robot scientist.

And you're like a damn robot.

And usually it's cute,
except when you're robbing me.

Jess, I'm sorry. So...
What-What happens now?

You bring her another coffee
and you guys make up?

I don't know what happens now.

We're in unchartered territory
'cause you got involved.

We're entering the abyss.

It's like the month I decided

not to wear a bra.
Those were dark times.

I had no support.
Literally no support.

(phone chimes)

(scoffs)

Cece just texted me
a smiley face.
- Is that bad?

No, she just texted me the
world's first good smiley face.

I'm gonna text her
(chuckles) a yellow heart.

No, uh, yellow heart, whale,

thumbs up.

Well, that seems nice.
(gasps)

How dare she? Chinese man,
ballerina, apartment building?

What does that mean?
- Fine!

Poop. Turban guy. Granny.

Don't text her poop.
- (gasps)

Explosion, monkey-see?
You want to play dirty? Fine.

Slice of cake. Turtle.

Don't sen... Oh.
- (gasps)

Double syringe?

Double syringe.

You're right, Schmidt.

Maybe it's time
to dig up some berries.

The gatherers
have become the hunters.

Be well.

Wh-Where are you...
Where are going?

L-Leave those berries be.

Republican or Democrat?
West Wing.

What's your favorite thing
about America?

Kentucky women.
Favorite part of The Rock?

"Welcome to the Rock."
Gorilla or monkey?

Gorilla, hands down.
Miranda or Carrie?

Gorilla.
- That's 100% perfect.

Un-Unbelievable.
- Thank you.

The battery in the
remote control is

getting a little jumpy.
I'm gonna go grab one

out of the smoke detector.

That's exactly
where I get them.

Isn't she perfect?

In a word: No.

Nick, you might want
to sit down for this.

I'm already sitting.
- Okay.

Well, look, I put
together a profile.

Vague about where she lives.

Okay.
- No mention of a job.

Always lets you pay.

Nick, my man, as unbelievable
as this sounds, (chuckles)

you're her sugar daddy.

What kind of girl would
want me as her sugar daddy?

Only one kind:
a homeless woman.

Kai is not homeless.

Nick, I have been watching
her for days now, okay?

She... She eats like
she doesn't know

where her next meal
is coming from.

She always dresses in
layers, tons of layers.

She's not homeless.
Her grandfather is Tran.

And where does he hang out?
A park bench.

I think you're having
a nervous breakdown.

I really do.

You're nuts. You want
to avoid studying so much

that you're making up lies
about my new lover friend.

Just leave us alone.

Maybe you should...
maybe you should give her

our can opener.
Everybody gives bums cans,

but they can't open them cans.

How are they gonna
open the cans, Nick?

Hey...

What are you...
(stammers)

Do you want a blanket?

I must have
fallen asleep reading.

Nap with me.
- Okay.

Come on.
- (chuckles)

Just... gonna get some
of these newspapers.

It's actually kind of nice.

See?

More pink lemonade?

I'm going to
name baby...

Baby, because it's
funny. (giggles)

(chuckles)

Where is top of baby cage?

Double syringe?

Hey, you.
How's pee-pee? (giggles)

Oh, hello, Nadia.

Coach, I need you.
Jess and Cece

are in a thing,
and it is terrifying.

I'm pretty busy, but,
all right, hold on, let me

put down the stuff
I've been working on.

(grunting softly)

Coach,

I am at the baby shower.

You're at the... What?

Are you dumb? You're dumb.

You're very dumb.
Get out of there.

I panicked. I didn't know
what else to do.

I thought I could fix this.
I gave Cece the purse.

Obviously, it was a mistake.

Oh, God, look at them.

They're like silent, angry

statues right now--
it's terrifying and als...

Maybe a little erotic.

Okay, fine, it's very erotic.

You know what?
Coach, I'm telling you--

I'm finding out that fear

plays a big part
in my sexuality.

Schmidt, what happens when
two passive-aggressive people

start confronting each other?

I don't know. What happens?
Anything!

Anything can happen!
That's what I'm telling you!

Are you ready
for anything to happen?

Obviously not.
That's why I'm calling you.

Did you wash your hair?
It looks really clean.

(women gasp)
(Jess gasps)

I can help you end this.

Do you know why?

Do you know why?
I'm waiting.

Oh, my God, is it because
you have sisters?

It's because I have sisters!
And you know what that means?

And that you know more
about women than me.

I know more about
women than you!

And that I'm a little dumb-dumb.

And I'm a big smart-smart.

Yeah. Now, here's
what you're gonna do.

Get big like a bear.

If that doesn't work,
pee a circle

around yourself
and light it on fire.

I peed before I came--
I had a root beer with lunch.

I'm on my way.
Hey, uh, did you bring a gift?

'Cause I don't
want to be that guy.

You know, the guy
that doesn't bring a gift?

Just get over here.
All right, I'm coming.

What? Coach!

Coach, I can't turn the pages!

How am I gonna study
if I can't turn the pages?

Coach!

Hey.

(gagging)
- Great catch.

Kai, I want to go
to your place, okay?

Wherever it is.

So don't be afraid,
because I'm not afraid.

I know I'm living
this rock star life,

but I'm still a man
of the people.

But I'm so comfortable.
You really want to go outside,

get off this bed into
the cold right now?

Look, I like you for you, and...

Well, hell, I just hope,
deep down,

you like me for me and not

all the incredible stuff
that I have.

Huh?
- I mean, this room--

half this stuff is mine.

I'm, like,
I have enough pillowcases

for all my pillows,
plus an extra pillowcase

that I don't even use.

Ticket stubs
to all the Bears games

I've ever been to,
except for one.

The guitar pick from

that guy who played with
James Taylor that one night.

A Frisbee
that I'm currently

storing on my neighbor's roof.

You know, an autographed

Karate Kid II poster
from Mr. Miyagi.

R.I.P.
- Hmm.

But none of that matters.

I want to be with you,
wherever you live.

I mean, hell,
I've been cooped up

in this palace for long enough.

Wow. Well, if it's
that important.

(grunts)
- (laughs)

All right. Don't be nervous.

You know what? I'm gonna bring
some extra blankets.

Okay.

Okay, just in case it's
freezing, 'cause it's outs...

Okay.

JESS:
And then,

you told Mike Hannamin
I was on my period!

He wanted to know why you were
wearing sweatpants in the pool!

Okay, I was defending you!

I have arrived!

Ah, Mr. Stripper.

Okay, so what's next, Jess?

20 years of fights are
happening right now.

They're getting
into everything.

How I intentionally didn't
put gas in your car

on senior ditch day?
You did. You did.

I did not!
- All right, ladies,
stop it.

I gave you the money, and you
spent it on condoms and taffy.

By the way, that sounds
like a hell of a day.

Well, I wouldn't know.

I was stranded on
a beach being a virgin!

But that's not the only time
I've been stranded, now, is it?

I'm talking about Paris.
Oh, this is about Paris!

I'm talking about Paris.
I knew it!

We had signed a lease.
That's an agreement.

And then you decide
to take a modeling job in Paris,

so I had to move in
with Spencer?

While you were being
squired about the Louvre,

I was having to pee on top of
Spencer's pee to conserve water!

You know, it's called
mud-sharking, by the way.

It's not my fault!
- Stop it!

I'm bored.

Here's what you guys
are gonna do.

You're gonna punch each other.

Now I'm not bored.

I'm not doing that.
- What?

I'm not doing that.
COACH: Well, you got
to do something.

Man up, punch each other
and end this.

(sighs, sniffles)
COACH: You got to have it out

so you can get
past this.

Now I'm bored again.

Punch each other!
Now I'm not bored.

Talk with your fist!

(sighs)
I just want my...

(women screaming, shouting)

Oh, no!
- My goodness!

Back off!

(grunting)

La-Ladies?
- Oh!

SCHMIDT:
It's spreading.

Stop it!

Russian baby shower!

(women clamoring)

(both shouting)

Hey, hey, don't
involve us, please.
Whoa. Hey, guys, no!

Break it up!
Break it up!

Baby shower! Baby shower, yeah!
Baby shower!

Oh, stop it!

You stole my babysitter!

What are you doing?

I'm having a situation.

Oh, come on, dude.

Get off!
Fighting for no damn
reason with me?!

Come on, just... lie down
and take it like a woman!

This is for
Mike Hannamin.
(groans)

(laughing)
- (screaming)

Baby kick! Baby like!

Yay!

Do I look pretty?

(both laughing)

Do you feel, like,
really good right now?

Yes! I thought I was crazy.

No, you're not crazy.

I think I... I think I wanted

to punch you
for a really long time.

Felt that way.

Like, maybe ten or 15 years.

And it feels so good

that right now we don't have
to talk everything through.

Yeah. We can just punch it out.

Oh, my God, I have missed you.

(both laughing)

I can't believe
I've known you 20 years.

And you're still
my favorite person to talk to.

And you're my favorite person
to talk to.

I hate not talking to you.

I feel like
I've missed everything!

You did miss everything.

So, does Nick have a girlfriend?

Yes. So weird.
- You okay?

Yes. It's so weird.
- (laughing)

So, is Nadia going to raise
the baby in your apartment?

Yeah, we haven't really
talked about that yet.

You should.

(laughing)

Craig Hodges.

Oh!

(phone ringing)

Hello. Nick.
Nick, are you okay?

NICK: Winston?
Listen, listen, listen, Nick.

Winston.
Tell me everything.

Winston, she's rich!

Yeah, she founded some company

that sells fancy water bottles

to rich people to pay
for digging wells in Africa.

She sold the company, so now

she works whenever she wants.

It's a scam called consulting.

You see, I knew it.

I knew there was
something weird. I was right!

You were wrong
about literally everything.

But I knew there was gonna be
a twist, though.

Okay, do you realize
how much time you've wasted,

and you're not studying?

Sweet Baby LeBron James,
I screwed up.

(groans)

Hey, I should
probably get going.

I got to get to work.

Yeah, it's karaoke night,

so I got to get
there early enough

to break the
karaoke machine.

How much will you make tonight?

Ah, it depends how much I drink,
but probably about 140 bucks.

What is this?

I raise you to $200.

Now you can stay.

Deal!

Oh.
- (laughs)

I'm like a boy hooker.

(both laugh)

Thank you.

Are you crying?

Don't look at me.

I want to look pretty.
You paid for it.

(both laugh)

Nadia is the one
who broke my thing.

Wait, you were serious
about that?

Yes. That was her.
I'm telling you.

She's going to have to
childproof the corners

of her cha-cha before
that baby comes out.

Oh, Cecilia.

Thank goodness. Look at you.
You're still pretty.

And, Jess, you know,

you-you look the same.

COACH: I'm sorry
about making you guys

punch each other.
- Don't be sorry.

You're so right.
- Mm.

We've wasted so much time
being passive-aggressive.

We learned our lesson.
- Yeah.

Well, we're very smart.
That means a lot. Thank you.

Seriously, if you guys
fought like girls,

you'd still be
arguing over the fact

that you recorded football over
your Charlie Rose episodes.

It's all good, man.
We're not though.

Mm-hmm, and the girl Schmidt
would be like,

"Oh, does Coach just think
I'm a pretentious poseur

"who just records
things to look smart

"because deep down,
I am just terrifyingly insecure

about my intelligence?"

JESS: Yeah, and girl Coach
would be, like,

"Does Schmidt think that
I'm an uncultured meathead

"who has to rewatch football

because I'm afraid of showing
anyone my softer side?"

(clears throat quietly)

(Cece and Jess laugh)

Hey, man.

Oh, hey, Coach.
- Aw, hey, you.

That's nice.
- Oh, this?

I-I don't know.
Thanks, I guess.

I'm kind of
whatever about it.
- No.

What do you got there?

Oh, me? Uh, just
some sneakers.

(laughs)
I hope they're okay.

I don't have an eye
for things like you.

Well, yeah, you do. Come on,
don't be so hard on yourself.

Your eye is so good.
- I'm sure
they're great.

I...
- Not that you could
look bad in anything really.

(laughs)

(groans)
- (groans)
Son of a...

(groans)
Thank you for that.

Yeah,
thanks, man.
- Anytime.

We cool?
- Yeah, we cool.

(whistles)

Ooh, boy.

How many pages
are in this thing?

Darius Miles. Oh!

Hmm.

That's in there?

Jordan.

Massaging is illegal?
(groans)

What?!

Got to download a song.