New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 11 - LAXmas - full transcript

♪ Gingy, who did you harm? ♪

♪ Gingy, who ate your arm? ♪

GINGERBREAD MAN: It was...

Santa!

(thunder rumbles)

No!

This is pretty dark.

We will rescue you, Gingy!

Wait till they get to the North Pole

to avenge his death
and take it way too far.

♪ Santa's been a bad boy,
and that's not right ♪



♪ The white-bearded
devil's gonna die tonight! ♪

But I'm proud of that. They
worked really hard on it.

(screaming)

Do you want to visit the prop closet?

(screaming continues)

(door opening)

(Foster screams)

Okay, just two more hours,

and then it's ten days
down a wine bottle.

(door opens, closes)
(giggles)

Oh, my gosh.

All this sneaking around, I
feel like gay guys in the '50s.

I can't believe you're
going to London tonight.

I'm gonna miss you so much.



- Come with me.
- What?

Spend Christmas with
my family in London.

That's, like, skipping
seven relationship steps.

- What do you mean?
- Do you really want your whole family

to meet the weird American
girl that you're making out with

in a prop closet who's also your boss?

- Yeah. - Everything's been
going really, really well.

What if I use the wrong fork?

You won't use the wrong fork,

'cause I'll make sure

that you-you don't.

No, it'll be very casual.

And I don't care what they think,

'cause I like you, and I want

to spend Christmas with you in London.

I've never been to Europe. I...

We'll stroll through Hyde Park,

empty townhouses owned
by Russian billionaires.

We're gonna go to Big Ben.

I'll take on-on the wheel, the Eye.

We'll eat cheese on the
wheel and-and make out.

Uh, we're gonna ride black
taxicabs even to places

where we don't need to
go and we're not invited.

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Yes!

(laughter)

Okay, Alan.

You did your best.

Why did I agree to ride to
the airport with everyone?

I'm an aspiring millionaire.

I should be taking a Town Car,

not packed six-deep
like a Hasidic family

going to the bulk foods store.

Relax, Schmidt, we're
all riding together

so that we can hang out

before we all go to our
magical destinations.

Magical? I'm going back
home to Long Island,

the birthplace of the female crew cut.

Yeah, and I'm going all the
way to New York because my mom

wants to hand-deliver a
Christmas card to Matt Lauer,

but you, Jess,

you're going...

BOTH: To London!

(in English accent): 'Ello, guvnor.

You got to stop it with that accent.

- Fancy a tickle?
- Borderline racist.

Check it out. I'm coming in
hot with gifts for the family.

- I'm ready for anything.
- Is that a wallet necklace?

Yeah, so I don't get pickpocketed.

Smart. Keep that money
away from them Gypsies.

Are you nervous about
meeting his family?

No, no. Yes.

All right, here's the plan.

We're at O'Hare at 8:00,

O'Leary's at 9:00, we're drunk by 6:00.

See what I did there? We're
dinking on the plane. (laughs)

Man, I love Christmas Eve Eve
at O'Leary's.

I always get laid. See, here,

I'm a six, sixish.

Uh, but I'm a Chicago ten.

Yeah. I'm a six, man?
Maybe a little higher.

- Seven.
- But I'm... I'm a seven, thank you.

Plus Nick is dating Kai now,

which means I'm getting the butt.

I'm getting all the butt.

I made you guys some snack bags.

- Oh, thank you.
- Oh.

You're like my mom,

but in ways I can appreciate.

Hey, Coach, what's taking you so long?

There he is.

COACH: I know what you're all thinking.

You think I'm selfish
for going on vacation

instead of going to
Detroit to see my family.

Not thinking that; very defensive.

I live with a million
people. Four people.

There are going to be a million
people at my mother's house.

I need some me time. And
yes, I will be sad to miss

my baby niece and all
of her Christmas joy,

but I've made a decision
that I'm happy with,

and it hasn't been
giving me stomach pains.

-You seem really great.
- Yeah.

- I feel good.
- Can we please go?!

- Yeah!
- Let's go to the airport!

BOTH: Christmas!

(whooping)

- I'm getting in.
- No, no, no, no.

- Too late.
- Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Loving the new Ford Fusion!

- You don't stink at all, man.
- Nice.

- Are you wet?
- Just my bottom.

Check out how roomy this is.

You could open a hat store in here.

- Why would I do that?
- That tree's cool.

- What's it doing?
- It coaches you to drive more efficiently.

Oh, look at that. Your
name is Coach. That's fun.

I don't know why that's
fun to me, but it is.

Pretty funny, I...

Hey, Outside Dave, will
you take a holiday picture?

Well, I'd prefer to paint you,

but it appears time
is pressed against us.

(groans)
(Schmidt cries out)

All right.

Let me get a good filter.

Okay, now pretend

you're really thirsty,

but the only thing that
can quench your thirst

is the tears from a
golden retriever. Go.

Oh, that's good.

Aaaaaand....

got it.

MAN (over P.A.): Welcome to Los
Angeles International Airport.

(announcement continues indistinctly)

♪ I don't know where Santa goes ♪

♪ 11 months of the year ♪

♪ I just know I love you so ♪

♪ And Christmastime is here ♪

- ♪ It's cold outside... ♪
- Excuse me, what's going on?

Midwest storm. Everything's delayed.

God have mercy on us all.

Ow! Ow!

Move, white bitch!

Ryan, hi. (sighs)

My flight's delayed.

Please tell your parents
this is not like me.

I am never late.

On time or naked is what I always say.

I've never said that. (chuckles)

I'll be fully clothed, but late.

I'll talk to you later.

Okay, I got this. Coach,
your flight's okay.

Thanks, Jess. I'm going to go find

a charging station so I can,
uh, call my niece before Hawaii.

Everyone stop looking at me!

Cece and Schmidt,
you're on the red-eye.

The red-eye? What do I
look like, a 24-year-old

who's too afraid to break up
with his college girlfriend?

I mean, thank you for this.

Nick and Winston, I got you guys.

Next.

Hi. Hi.

First and foremost, I'd like to
wish you a very merry Christmas.

Next.

Uh, right. (chuckles)

Um, my friends are trying
to get on the Chicago flight.

Uh, Winston Bishop and Nick Miller.

Yeah, standby, tenth
and 11th on the list.

I really appreciate that,

but...

is there any way you could get...

Nope. And now they're 12th and 13th.

I'm sorry. I was...

Don't apologize. 14, 15.

I didn't apologize.

16, 17.

Sir.

You seem like a reasonable person.

I'm not and you're at 18 and 19.

- Okay... You know what?
- (blows raspberry)

You want mean, I'll give you mean.

I hope your mom falls down the stairs

and she hurts parts of herself.

I hate my mom. Back to 16 and 17.

- Thank you.
- Don't thank me. 18, 19.

It's Christmas.

Oh, I didn't know that.

I thought they just did a black
version of Annie for no reason.

20, 21.

- You...
- 22, 23.

- But...
- 24, 25.

- Sir.
- They're on the wing, dear.

Next?

- No.
- Next?

(loud clamoring)
WOMAN: Stop pushing.

MAN (over P.A.): Flight 202
to Dallas - Fort Worth cancelled.

(groans)

Hey, let's wait in
the first-class lounge,

like the other HBO GO subscribers.

- You're a member?
- Cece, I grew up on the mean streets

of Long Island, just gazing up
at the Manhattan city skyline,

thinking, "You know what,
one day, I'm gonna get there."

That first-class
lounge is my Manhattan.

"Greatest discovery of all time

"is that a person can change his future

by merely changing his attitude."

Oprah Winfrey.

Sir, may I help you? Are you a member?

I just had an incredible layover.

Flew in from Istanbul. I just
need to lay down for a while.

- I'm a little...
- Okay? Certainly. Uh, do you have

a first-class ticket
or a membership card?

Do I have a... a membership card?

Let me ask you something.
I tend to, uh...

tend to deal with, uh,

- Sarah Beth.
- I'm not aware of a Sarah Beth, sir.

The last time I talked to her,

she was suffering from the diabetes.

Is she still on the inhaler?

- Uh...
- Did she pass?

She passed, didn't she?

- I'm afraid I...
- I'm gonna need a minute.

I'm just gonna go inside,
sit down, just kind of take...

- Are you a member, sir?
- Am I a mem...?

Can we just get two
guest passes, please?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

That's a real thing... guest passes?

Yes, sir.

Okay. It's a debit card.

Is Ro-Ro done yet? Damn.

Okay, uh, have her call me,
but m-my phone's about to d...

(beeping)

My ph... Hello?

Damn it.

Really? Phone and a laptop?

You're playing solitaire?

Is that a keyboard?

Dude, come on!

Why we should've taken trains.

The sky's too fickle.

It's the play place for butterflies.

JESS: "Can't wait to see you.

House at the end of the lane"?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- What?

This is where Ryan lives.

- Whoa!
- What?

It's a gorgeous mansion.

He said it was casual.

Does "casual" mean something
very different in England?

Like... like "we own England"?

That's some McDuck money!

That's "do whatever I want" money.

- Exactly. - You better learn
how to ride a polo horse.

It's actually a polio horse.

Uh, originally they were
bred as helper horses

for people with polio,
but I don't think anything

of what I just said was correct, so...

What is...? Are you all right?

Hey. My flight's delayed.

Might not even meet
his very rich family.

Anyway, you guys should
go to your-your gate.

Get out of here, you
Christmas... packages.

- All right. Merry Christmas.
- All right, let's... Yeah.

- Okay. Yeah.
- All of that good stuff.

- See you later.
- Safe travels.

(cell phone chiming)

(sighs)

(cell phone chimes)

Is that a falcon wearing a necklace?

- Can I help you?
- Sir...

I'd like the strongest drink you have,

and also a wine spritzer on the side

in case I don't like it.

(mouths): Thank you.

MAN: Looks like somebody's not so merry.

Come on.

Are you...?

(chuckles softly)

Okay, um... that's silly.

I really want this to be true.

What seems to be troubling you?

I just found out that my
boyfriend is... is really rich,

and there's no way his
parents are gonna like me,

and he's... Well, have you ever

thought that the world
is just full of sloths,

and then one day, this
beautiful lion walks in?

Actually, you've probably
never thought that way, Santa.

Can I just go ahead and call you Santa?

Anyway, should I just bail on this trip?

Hmm, sounds complicated.

Yeah. Why don't you

come with me to the family bathroom,

sit on my lap, and I'll give you

the sleigh ride you'll never forget?

What? Santa!

North Pole.

Player for life.

Get out of here!

Pervert Santa! No cookies for you here,

you white-bearded freak!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't ol' Bangs LaRue.

Don't test me, sweetie. I'll
put your head in a trash can.

Wow.

(chuckles)

You and I are gonna drink.

Wow, this place is just so amazing.

You got to feel this pillow.

Look at this thing. This is the pillow

that all the other pillows
want to have sex with.

Nice. Look at that guy.

Bet he's the kind of guy
who takes one bite of lobster

and just throws the
rest of it in the trash.

I'd love to do that... just once.

Stupid trash lobster.

He's coming over.

Hello, sir.

First time in the lounge?

(chuckling): Uh...

What's that, now?

Come on. Why would you say that?

Because of all the pillow squeezing.

I get it.

I get it. I was like you once.

Where are you from?

I'm from New York.

Uh, Manhattan, of course.

Mainly the money and museum district.

I can see the Central Park horses

defecating from my window.

(chuckles) That's funny. So can I.

- Robert Goodwin.
- All right.

- Schmidt.
- Mind if I sit?

Please, go ahead.

WOMAN (over P.A.): Due
to increased security,

please have your picture ID ready.

All right, here's what we got to do.

We got to convince a
bunch of people not to fly,

and then we're at the top of the list.

It's foolproof...
unless it doesn't work.

Then it didn't work, so I think we got

a 50-50 chance to do
it, so let's do it.

(both laughing)

Wait.

Ah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, let's go.
- Yeah.

What's up, boys?

Those are the guys

I was just drinking with at the bar.

Are you sure you guys

can fly a plane?

I'm sure it's not a big deal.

I bet the weed will offset the booze.

Ah, hey there, precious.

Yeah, you're quiet now,

but when that air pressure hits you,

you're gonna be screaming

like a cat in the dishwasher.

And I won't stop you.

This could be it, so...

if we all die on this
plane, was it worth it?

I say yeah, let's get to Chicago.

Who cares? It's snowing there.

(yells in pain) You gonna bite me?

When we get on the plane,
I'm gonna bite you back.

Breast-feeding is a...

very sensitive subject for me.

I can help who's next. Sir?

- Uh, sir, he doesn't work here.
- Oh, yes, I do.

- Uh, no, you... - Oh, I'm sorry.
Your flight's been canceled.

The flight has not been canceled.

- Flight's been canceled.
- Security!

Security! Please get
this woman out of here!

- Please get this man...
- She's wearing a fake outfit.

You know what? I don't know...

Debbie, don't start with
me. You're in a mood.

And then he sent me this text.

Oh, my God.

Where's Anna and Mr. Bates?

- Do you watch Downton?
- Yeah.

I know it's a soap opera, but I like it.

JESS: It's not even about the money.

- That's big.
- It's like every new piece

of information I get about him

just makes him more and
more out of my league.

- Mm.
- He'll be nice about it,

but the moment I get there,

everybody will know
I don't belong there.

- Am I being dumb?
- No.

Did I ever tell you about that time

I met my ex-boyfriend's
family over the holidays?

I've known you for 20 minutes.

Well, it was worse than
the last season of Scrubs.

A teaching hospital? Come on!

People think Christmas is
gonna be like Love Actually

and "God Only Knows" is gonna play

over their happy ending, but it won't.

Do what I do.

Hide out with a pizza

and save the big
issues for the New Year.

- Oh, God.
- Don't judge me for eating pizza!

No. My presents are gone.

- What?
- Santa stole my presents.

He was a Reverse Santa.

"Reverse Santa"?

What am I gonna do now?

You can't go now.

You're right.

I can't.

God, I'm drunk at work.

- Sis?
- Hello.

Hey. Let me talk to Ro-Ro.

Hmm-mm. I'm not trying
to make you feel better

about lying naked on the beach

sipping some nonsense
instead of seeing your family.

And are you using the
cuteness of your daughter

to blackmail me to come to Christmas?

Am I? Yeah, I am, actually.

Ro-Ro, it's your Uncle Ernie!

If you can hear me,
get your mom's hair wet,

then get on the phone
while she's freaking out!

You want to speak to your
niece, you know where she is.

(groans)
(dial tone drones)

SCHMIDT: Diversification.

That's what it's all about.

You know, I keep telling Nick that,

but he won't listen to me.

Hey, man to man.

Anything. What?

I'd love to take a run at your girl.

(chuckles) Excuse me?

Now, don't tell me you're exclusive.

Successful men like us,

we don't order just
one item off the menu.

I'll tell you what.

You do this for me,

and I'll do this for you.

Gold Select.

Gets you into any airport
club in the world...

minus New Zealand.

What's going on guys?

Closing some deals?

Well, actually...

No... we are not.

You know what they
call you where I'm from?

A dirty old bitch.

Dirty old "biatch."

"Biatch," just in general.

'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir.

I'm from Long Island.

5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.

You better calm down, or you're
gonna be kicked out of the...

Good, I don't want to be in this lounge,

I don't want to be in any
club that you're a part of.

Okay, am I missing something?

I don't want to be in any lounge or club

that you're a part of, sir.

You dirty old bitch, for good measure.

'Cause I'm from Long Island,
I'll take the railroad... LIRR.

You're embarrassing yourself.

SCHMIDT: New York, Long Island.

Billy Joel.

Cece, let's roll.

Okay.

Nassau County.

Billy Joel, one more time.

"Piano Man."

"Goodnight Saigon."

That's a sad one.

Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

So they go to this bar in
Chicago to get Winston laid...

- And one of these guys is your ex?
- Yeah, Nick.

Mm, the nicest thing
I ever did for an ex

is give him a ride to the airport.

And for me, that's just going to work,

and I still barely did it.

(laughs)

Okay, please don't take
this as a Christmas miracle.

But what can I do to help?

Do you want to fly first-class
somewhere, like Pittsburgh?

And then tell everyone
you're a Latin pop star?

I did that once, and it's
kind of the perfect Christmas.

You can pass as Latin.

Actually, you know what I'd love?

Hope first class is okay.

And don't freak out, but I
think Paul Dano's on your flight.

And don't thank me, thank her.

But thank me also, because
I'm the one that did it.

Wow, this is really amazing.

Thank you, guys.

Don't thank us, go.

Call me if you want
to hang out this week.

I was thinking about
going to the mountains

and crying at some point,
but that's flexible.

All right, I got to bounce

before these people I
bumped come after me.

Don't worry, they deserve it.

I'm being bumped?

You're an idiot, I'm Gold Select.

Check it out.

Come on, just tell me what he said.

Without going into specifics,

he disrespected something
more important to me

than any stupid lounge.

Daniel Craig's tailoring?

No.

Something priceless.

- Hey.
- What?

I stole you something.

Bam!

You sneaky Indian mouse.

(giggling)

I'm in my own lounge now.

(laughs)

Look, I know this is
kind of dumb to say,

but I really like being your friend.

My friend.

I like being your friend, too.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, Schmidt.

Merry Christmas, Cecilia.

(sighs)

Is it crazy that I'm
considering going to Detroit

instead of Hawaii?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I thought that.

Ooh, this is a fancy seat.

Reminds me of the seat
my grandmother used

to ride up and down the stairs in.

- Hey, Jess.
- Damn thing was comfortable.

Thank you, first class is amazing.

(sniffs) Smells like
rich people. (chuckles)

I'm so glad.

- These are nice.
- Hey, where are you? Did you board?

Um, yeah, I'm on the plane,
I'm sitting in my seat.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Los
Angeles International Airport.

Wait, w... Jess, what was that?

Uh, they're telling me
to turn off my phone.

Uh, we're taking off now.

Jess, hold on, hold on, hold on, J...

How do you change this...?

How do you change this thing?!

To the hits?

I don't know, like top 40?

Jess, what's going on?

I'm not going.

Are you kidding me?

You saw the house.

It's too much pressure.

- Je...
- And Santa stole my gifts.

Wait, Santa did what?

What if I do something wrong and...

and I lose Ryan?

So, what are you gonna do?

You're gonna spend Christmas alone?

- Sir? We're about to take off.
- Yeah.

- We need you to turn off your phone.
- I understand.

I just need one minute.

It's gonna be fine, don't worry.

- I mean, it's cra...
- Sir?

- Now, sir.
- I'm trying to figure something out.

- If she's not getting on a plane.
- Hey, Nick!

This is first class!

Act like you've been somewhere before!

Merry Christmas, Nick.

- Jess, hey!
- Sir.

(whistling)

NICK: Jess.

You're not spending Christmas alone.

Oh, no.

You're going to England.

What are you guys doing?

Hey, you think you're gonna lose Ryan

'cause you're not good
enough for his stupid family?

Has he ever had five people
get off planes for him?

I-I hadn't gotten on mine, yet.

T-To be fair, we were
in the food court,

- but it's beautiful, keep going, Nick.
- Look, Jess,

we're not getting on our
flights unless you get on yours.

Airport chicken, that's right.

You want to take down
everyone's Christmases?

WINSTON: Don't be that person.

You got to go to England,
and you have to just try.

Go to England, Jess, it's worth it.

But my flight's boarding,
and I don't have any gifts,

and there's no way I'm gonna make it.

Oh, no, you are gonna make it, come on.

- Yeah.
- All right, let's go!

JESS: This doesn't seem great.

Okay, you know what, let's go, let's go.

Let's just, let's just run.

Come on, let's go.

(speaks indistinctly)

Let's go.

So, I guess this is good-bye.

(yelling for Jess to leave)

I don't care if there's no time.

I love you guys.

Ah, come on.

Get out of here!

Love doesn't matter!

Merry Christmas.

Bye.

♪ God only knows what
I'd be without you ♪

♪ If you should ever leave me ♪

Give me a little space.

♪ Though life would
still go on, believe me ♪

♪ The world would
show nothing to me ♪

Ugh!

Light a match.

- ♪ So what good would living do me ♪
- Cece, watch.

- ♪ God only knows ♪
- Oh, my God.

- ♪ What I'd be without you ♪
- Got him.

- ♪ God only knows ♪
- Hi, Ro-Ro.

Uncle Ernie!

♪ God only knows what
I'd be without you ♪

♪ God only knows what
I'd be without you ♪

♪ God only knows ♪

♪ God only knows what
I'd be without you ♪

♪ God only knows what
I'd be without you ♪

♪ God only knows ♪

♪ God only knows what
I'd be without you ♪

♪ God only knows what
I'd be without you ♪

♪ God only knows. ♪

Hey, I'm here. Are you here?

RYAN: I'm here.

I got your text,
and I came here to surprise you.

I'm outside your loft.
Where are you?

Oh, no! No!

I'm in London.

Stay where you are,
I'll be there in 17 hours.