New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 12 - Shark - full transcript

- (chuckles)
- How do I look? What do you guys think?

Not bad, Winston. I'll
tell you what, man...

you look like the funny
guy from Police Academy

who does the... the voices,

- and different sounds.
- (Imitates radio beeping and siren wailing)

God, I wish marketers had a uniform.

- (construction clatter begins in distance)
- To Winston Bishop,

owner of cats,

taker of baths, graduate of the LAPD.

- (workman shouts, clatter and banging continue)
- We are so...

I'm so proud of you!



- What?
- I'm so proud of you.

- You're proud of me?
- Oh!

When is this night construction gonna stop?

I actually don't mind it.

Gets me ready for all the loud action

on the job, you know what I mean?

Something has gotta change.

(electric engine whirring)

(whirring stops)

(whirring resumes)

Well, don't worry, 'cause
I have called the city's

automated help desk and
I've also sent out an e-mail

Jess, don't you know how democracy works?

We need to get out there and
grease palms, blackmail people.



We need to send them an
envelope filled with fake blood

and... and a note that says...

"I know."

- What?
- (Winston clears throat)

- As if... as if... we know what's really going on.
- Schmidt, you do

realize you're saying this
in front of a police officer.

- I'm so sorry.
- A little respect.

Can I try on your uniform?

No, this uniform

is for official police business.

(whoops) Yeah.

- Looking good, man.
- Yeah.

We got a code Jewish, code Jewish.

You under "ch'arrest."

I can't believe Winston's gonna be a cop.

I mean, he's the gentlest person I know.

He once broke his arm wrapping presents.

Remember when he made this?

He's the sweetest guy in the world, man.

He's just so nice and...

- vulnerable.
- Yeah.

Although...

Don't know what this is for.

WINSTON: Hey. What're you guys doing?

Uh, n... nothing, man.

Look, I'm a little worried about you, okay?

- And so is Coach.
- (Chuckles)

Kind of worried about you, man.

Guys, calm down. I understand,

I get it, and I'm... and
I'm flattered that you're

concerned about me, but I
signed up for this, remember?

Also, my training officer
is gonna be with me

the entire time.

He's got a partner.

- I forgot about the partner.
- That's huge.

- We're silly. Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's supposed to be a real bad-ass, too.

Was in a biker gang for
three years, undercover.

Can't go back to Arizona no more.

- Is that True Detective?
- Apparently eats bullets as a party trick.

- Great, that's really good.
- That makes sense, what are you, uh...

- Yeah, yeah, definitely.
- What's that?

- What the... ?
- WINSTON: Uh...

Which... Oh, that?

It's a, uh...

it's a project.

I've had a report of people

acting lame back here.

SCHMIDT: Ow, Jess!

Also, I tazed Schmidt.

WINSTON: All right, seriously...

no more playing with the uniform.

Officer Leslie Biggins.

Okay, Biggins, so Bishop's
gonna be next, okay? Come on.

All right, here we go.

Officer Hank Bishop.

Eh... Oh, that one.

Officer Win...

- ... field Bishop.
- Ooh.

Well that's gonna cause a lot
of mix-ups over at the station.

Officer Winston Bishop.

ALL: Oh! (Whooping)

(cheering, whistling)

- Winston...
- ALL: Winston, Winston,

ALL (chanting): Winston, Winston, Winston,

- Winston, Winston... !
- COACH: Yes.

- Winnie!
- (Horn blares)

- Aah!
- Sorry.

Wow, a lot of city officials around here.

Maybe somebody can help
us with our noise problem.

Okay, enough of this by-the-book nonsense.

It's time to play hardball.

- Be a shark, Jess. Not a dolphin.
- Right.

So I shouldn't be the
smartest and friendliest

creature in the ocean?
That makes sense, bro.

Sharks eat whatever they
want. Dolphins... they jump

through hoops, so, yeah,
I think it does make sense.

No, it's awesome, bro.

Okay, stop mockingly saying "bro."

My uncle was arrested for
having sex with a dolphin.

- What?
- What?

Carry on.

I'm having a lot of difficulty
nailing you down, Ryan.

Oh, there's councilwoman Fawn Moscato.

She's from our district.

Yummo.

- Where do I place my ballot?
- She better get ready,

'cause she's about to have
a very friendly conversation

with a concerned citizen... bro.

Okay, Jess, it's not gonna do anything.

Won't make a difference.
Like what I did there

with the ballot thing?
It was a good joke, right?

Didn't get the reaction I thought

- it was gonna get from you guys.
- No, we got it.

- We got it, bro.
- Oh, I get it.

And you know what, I've
seen the Bollywood movies,

I've seen the UK Office.

Not a fan, not a fan.

Congratulations. These are from all of us,

but I'm the one that got 'em for you.

- Wow, they're big.
- So, Winnie,

where's your bad-ass training officer?

Oh, guys, I would like
for you to meet the person

who will be training me as I brave the

mean streets of L.A.: Officer Aly Nelson.

She's so small.

- What... say...
- Excuse me?

You're so small, you're...

- What is happening?
- I think what he was

- trying to say was that, um...
- Yeah?

we were expecting someone who looks

a little more like a cop
in the traditional sense.

- That's what I meant.
- No, no, no...

- Wow. No, no, no.
- I'm not trying to

offend you, we were
just expecting, like, uh,

either a really strong
man or kind of like a guy

with, like, a mustache.

Got it. And flowers are a...

that's a normal thing
to give to a grown man?

Or are they trees?

I can't tell, I'm so small.

- Cool friends, Bishop.
- No, wait,

Officer Nelson, just...

Thank you. Thank you very much, you guys.

Oh, also, thank you for the flowers.

And just we're clear... the
first thank you was sarcastic,

because you embarrassed me,

but the second thank you

was sincere as hell, because
these flowers are glorious.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry about the construction
noise... it's an issue close

to my heart... I do charity
work with deaf children.

Of course, they would welcome the noise,

because it would mean they could hear.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

Just go to the public works web site

and download this form.

- You're a dear, Fawn.
- (Laughs)

I made a pun and I didn't know it.

You're too much.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Schmidt, this is Fawn Moscato.

She was just giving me a shortcut to file

some complaints about the noise.

(whispers): Looks like
someone brought a shark

to the dolphin show.

(squeaks)

That's a dolphin noise.

Ah. Very good.

Councilwoman Moscato, excuse my trembling,

but it's an honor.

- Your head is enormous.
- Why, thank you.

JESS: So you're taking her
out to dinner? That's your plan?

I'm intoxicating a single,
overworked public official

with the pleasure of my company.

Which I will then parlay

into getting her to fix our problem.

Are my sleeves even? This is ridiculous.

You know, my new tailor
sews like an army medic.

I'm not being overdramatic
when I say that I would rather

sit naked on a hot grill

than wear something off the rack.

Schmidt, just don't screw this up.

She's a decent woman.

Oh, excuse me, at some
point in the evening, can you

let me know that I have a
call from Karl Lagerfeld?

Schmidt.

Bob, how are you?

Tony, love you in a chino.

Guillermo, fire up that
grill, Fawn's hungry.

GUILLERMO: S?, se?ora.

I'm Fawn Moscato.

And I approve this scotch.

Oh, goodness.

Okay, so I'm almost
finished with form 7D42,

but I'm not sure what to put
down for landlord's birth city.

Hey. Ooh. What you doing, hot shot?

I was feeling saucy. I've
had a glass of red wine.

Red wine makes you bonkers horny.

I'll make you a deal.

When I finish a form,

you can take off an article
of clothing, and that way,

when I'm done, then we can
just go nuts on each other.

- Deal.
- Hey, I'm not finished yet.

(sighs)

Oh!

- This is America! Wear pants!
- JESS: Red wine. Sorry!

- Sorry. Sorry. Very sorry.
- Sorry. Sorry. Geez. Yeah.

COACH: So, tomorrow's
your first shift, huh?

You gonna play the name game,

- do something fun and safe like that?
- (Phone chimes)

Dude, I'm gonna be in a
patrol car the entire time.

(laughing)

I just got a text from my buddy Reynolds.

Working his first shift,

he got stabbed in the leg by a little girl.

(laughs)

I love Reynolds, man. He makes me laugh.

- That's funny...
- You think that's funny?

- To be stabbed by a little kid, yeah.
- COACH: On the job.

- Right. 'Cause you get paid.
- That you're about to do.

Right, 'cause it's a
child, and it's hilarious.

You don't like getting cut.

You're very physically sensitive.

I am. Paper cuts give me headaches.

- I can't wait to meet him.
- Yeah.

- Maybe he'll stab me.
- Guys, chill out, okay?

I told you, I got my partner

- to protect me, remember?
- The little one?

The one would could take
a nap in a match box?

Which reminds me... I'm gonna
make her a sandwich tomorrow.

I might even throw in a crossword puzzle

with Winston-related clues

so she can get to know me better.

"Who likes cats?" Winston, across.

- I don't like this.
- Mm-mm.

- His training officer can't protect him!
- She's too tiny.

She looks like she won the silver medal

in Athens for the balance beam.

Girl could drown in a raindrop.

I mean, that's girl's...

I mean, she...

I can't think of one 'cause
I'm so worried about Winston!

I'm worried about him, too,
but I can still think of 'em.

Uh, girl's so, uh... Ugh!

She looks like a Persian Webster.

Ah...

Girl's like a pepperoni.

- Why are you here?
- We brought you a gift.

Assorted candies. Please enjoy.

They are delicious.

Now, I'm sure you have
friends and family of officers

coming in here all the
time to check on them.

No. No, this would be a first.

- Really? This is the first?
- What do you guys need?

Well, we are here because, uh,

Winston is our best friend,
as you know, and, um...

- (clears throat) ... we're worried about him.
- Yeah.

And I'm not saying that you're bad

at your job as a training officer.

But I'm not saying you're good at your job.

And that's why we're here...
to kind of see where you're at,

to see if you're ready

to protect our asset, our dear friend.

Let's... let's be diplomatic.

Did Bishop put you up to
this? Does he have some sort

- of problem with me being his training officer?
- Not at all. No.

Oh, he is going to pay for
this. He is going to pay.

- He shouldn't pay for this.
- This has nothing to do with it.

- This is about us.
- Okay.

First of all, you shouldn't
get mad at him. Get mad at us.

- Get out!
- It's good to see you.

- Get out.
- Okay.

Yo. Ry-guy. (Laughs)

I finished printing out the forms.

- Let's get goofy.
- Mm.

- Come on!
- Aah. Mm-mm.

You got a real Dudley Moore thing

- going on right now, and I like it.
- (Groans)

Jessica Day, I think I'm in love.

- Sorry. Did you just say you were in love?
- That woman is a dynamo.

So let's talk about the whole
construction noise thing.

Has anyone ever told you you
look like a Jewish Kennedy?

I hope not, because
that would be offensive.

(laughs)

What? I thought you were
supposed to be some kind

of big shark, and you were playing her.

About the noise.

Given the many considerations...
traffic, budgets...

Okay, what is happening?

What are you doing with your thumb?

We feel it best to proceed
with the given strategy.

She played you!

I know, and it was wildly arousing!

But let me tell you something, Jess.

She played you, too.

- No, she didn't.
- Mm-hmm.

No, she didn't. I filled
out the form, I submitted it.

Here's the confirmation, right here.

"Thank you for your inquiry.

- We will respond in 360-500
days... !"- Isn't she great?

She can't just walk all
over the people of the city

like the Jolly Green Giant.

Jolly Green Giant...

He doesn't stomp on people.

He encourages them to eat their vegetables.

You can't let her do this!
We have to keep fighting!

She's taking me to a
ribbon-cutting ceremony

at a carniceria tomorrow.

You know, Jess, I really think

that she may be grooming
me to be her arm candy.

This could be a real Bill
and Hillary situation.

You, sir, are no Bill Clinton.

I know. I'm Hillary.

Well, you're not Hillary, either!

I am, too, Hillary!

Hey, man, can you be the one to walk away?

'Cause I just, like...

My little sleeping British
bulldog here is gonna wake up,

and he's gonna get scared if I'm not there.

- Yeah, I got you.
- Yeah.

JESS: A bunch of neighbors
have joined the fight.

See, if you put out an honest message,

you get good, honest people to help you.

Per municipal code 2B,

construction is prohibited at night.

However, this project's
been issued a waiver

that we are trying to revoke.

Now, I'm going to mash
a muffin into the phone.

You tell me if it makes its way through.

JESS: You're doing a great job, Dave.

It's important to keep it positive.

- So, what happened to Schmidt?
- I don't need him. I got this on lockdown.

Yes, it is banana-walnut.

Now I'm gonna tell you the story

of how my daddy spawned with a pony

and made the mud boy... that's me.

"Chapter One... Mama's House."

Make sure they're sharp.

It's political suicide to not
cut the ribbon on the first try.

Of course. Look, if there's anyone

who understand the
importance of a sharp knife,

it's a Jewish man.

- Hey, listen, about the construction issue...
- We've discussed that.

Look, changing that schedule's
a logistical nightmare,

not to mention the people it'll piss off.

The sewage lobby's involved
in that project, and trust me,

you don't want to cross them.

Did they shoot poopy everywhere?

How old are you? No. No, they just...

They contribute money to my opponent.

Of course. No, I... I knew that.

They... Why would they
shoot poopy everywhere?

- No.
- Yeah. Got it. Hey,

listen, I wanted to warn you.

My roommates have recruited
a gang of derelicts

to... to protest the council meeting.

If only there was someone
who could oppose them.

Of course, I can't, because it's
technically a citizens' forum.

- Are you saying that I should?
- I'm not saying anything.

Oh. Okay.

You're trying to manipulate me again.

You must think that I'm a real shmendrick.

- Well, hello there.
- When we're in public,

- Yeah.
-... Let's just tone down the Jewish thing, okay?

- Let's tone down the Jewish thing.
- Yeah.

I can do that. 100%. Let's
tone down the Jewish...

Hey, by the way, sir,

thank you so much for
keeping the councilwoman safe.

- MAN: Five stars for Arman!
- He's an Uber driver.

- I'm a councilwoman, not a senator.
- Okay, I felt like that...

(gags, coughs)

(coughing)

First day on the job. Is this where

you tell me to forget
everything I learned in training?

N... no!

Remember everything.

Bishop, if you have a problem

with me being your training officer,

put down your ice cream cone,

take your frickin'
thumbs out of your mouth,

and say it to my face!

What?! I don't have a problem with you.

Did you or did you not

tell your roommates to come check up on me?

- What?! They did that?
- Yeah.

Oh, my goodness, I am
so "furiated" right now.

I am very lucky to have
you as my training officer.

My roommates don't speak for me.

I promise you will never
have to see them again.

They're right there. They're
literally right there.

Oh...

- Oh, yeah, yeah, they see...
- They got us. Yeah.

- Hey!
- Hey!

(sighs)

When you step to the badge,

the badge step back.

Don't ever say that in my car again.

What the hell are you two doing here? And
why are you talking to Aly behind my back?

She said that you guys gave
her weird unwrapped candy

and then you stole toilet
paper from the station bathroom.

We need that toilet paper.

Because we're worried about you!

We're trying to protect you.

- What?
- She's so small, Winston.

You guys should have faith in me.

I got a badge, I got a
diploma, and I got a special

plastic thing that goes over
my hat for when it rains.

(over radio): We got a 339
in progress at 62 Sage Brush.

- That sounds dangerous. Stop him!
- Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?

- We can't let you do this!
- We're trying to protect you!

- What the hell is your problem?
- This is scary! We're not letting you go on the street!

- This an obstruction of justice. Dude, that is an obstruction...
- You won't die on my watch!

- Hey! Hey, Nick. Nick.
- Oh! I can't give you these 'cause I care about you.

- Nick, give me the keys.
- Don't give 'em back!

We love you, man! We love you!

WINSTON: Coach, you know
I can't jump that high!

- Don't test me.
- COACH: We're protecting you.

Give me those damn keys right...

Ooh, no, no, no, no... !

That's what you get! (Chuckles)

Ow! Ow!

I can't go to jail.

I'm too sarcastic for the white gangs.

Yeah, man, I'll get passed
around in there like a bong.

- Shut up.
- Ow!

You're not going to prison.

The dangers of noise pollution are real.

According to the World Wide Web,

it can cause lack of
concentration, nervousness,

and misunderstandings.

(banging)

Sir!

Sir...

clearly, manual labor has sculpted

your body perfectly, but
could you please be quiet?

(New York accent): Sorry,
lady, I gotta work all night.

But, sir, people live and work here.

Babies sleep, dogs nap by the window.

Immigrants share noodles

and dance to records, with abandon.

You're right! We should be
looking out for each other.

You said it, handsome guy.

But you know who else
should be looking out for us?

The city.

(cheering and applause)

Would you stop clapping?
This is an abomination.

By the way, he... the only
reason he got that role

is because he's sleeping with her.

You want to get a cheeseburger sandwich?

- My nights just freed up.
- Of course.

That sounds great now that I can hear you.

- Mm. Nothing.
- What? What are you doing?

The cuffs on your jacket
just look a little short.

- What?
- They just look a little short.

Why are you telling me this
now? I got a new tailor.

I'm really insecure about it.

- My God.
- I'm Jessica Day.

Thank you for listening.

(cheering and applause)

MAN: Tone it down! Stop the noise!

(clearing throat loudly)

Ah. N... noise.

N... noise.

Where would... where
would we be without you?

- I don't know.
- A tree falls,

a cabin is made, uh...

(Schmidt muttering)

It just... this doesn't...
doesn't look right.

A woman screams,

a b... a baby is b... a baby is born.

- Maybe if the speaker would stop fiddling with his jacket...
- I just... It...

It just doesn't feel like these are...

- He's saying all the right things.
- That son-of-a-bitch tailor

ruined my jacket.

(sighs) That... that baby

that screamed becomes a man

and that... that was the story
of Abra... Abraham Lincoln.

How dare you evoke Lincoln!

He was our quietest president!

I feel... I'm just so...

I'm so uncomfortable right
now, because of my sleeves.

I feel like an idiot up here,

in this jacket! Nobody's
telling me my... my...

The tailoring is off! I'm going...

I'm seeing... I'm seeing
a new tailor, everyone.

Sir... ?

My tailor's great.

I'll give you his number: Eight.

I look like a freaking
matador in this thing!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Sir, we've heard enough.

- (Schmidt jabbering angrily)
- Stand down! You look weak!

Considering the incoherent

and, frankly, disturbing argument

from the pro-noise lobby, I have no choice

but to recommend a switch
to the day schedule,

effective immediately.

(cheering and applause)

New York!

What?

I'm Fawn Moscato,

the people's warrior.

You're welcome, Los Angeles!

Tomorrow is a new America! Good night!

(cheering and applause)

Hello again.

I would like to once more revisit

the bottomless clause of
the public nudity ordinance.

Oh, my God, I almost
hired that guy as a sub.

So, that was a huge failure.
I feel like a Democrat.

Why'd you have to say that about my jacket?

All right. Okay, look, Jess told me to.

I mean, I thought your sleeves
were fine. And by "fine,"

I mean I could not care less.

Oh, hello, shark.

I am woman,

the smartest species of them all.

I didn't realize I'd finished that.

I've been waiting here a while.

You underhanded pig woman.

You know, there are certain
things that you don't do,

and exploiting a man's love
of tailoring is one of them.

Which makes what you did
all the more impressive.

Well, I felt dirty.

I felt like Evil Winston.

Remember when Winston
was evil for that week?

I can't believe I blew it with Fawn.

You know, she said that we could have sex

in the room where O.J. tried on the glove.

Schmidt, it doesn't matter
what happened at the meeting.

She doesn't care about
you. She's a power-hungry,

self-obsessed woman who
just wants a man to shut up

and look pretty. That's
not what you want, is it?

Please take me back.

Look, I was duped by a doe-eyed pixie

and her Indian henchwoman. Forgive me.

It's fine. It actually worked out.

You were such a jackass

up there that no one who
supported the construction

will be able to hold it against me.

Plus, I picked up a ton of votes.

Or as I like to call them...

tiny orgasms.

So let me get this straight:

You let me humiliate myself,

in public, for your own political gain?

Hmm.

Yes.

You're the sexiest
woman that I've ever met.

- Ah...
- Ms. Moscato, wherever you're going,

take me with you.

Please...

it's "Councilwoman."

And I'll call you when I need you.

That is gonna be...

so frustrating.

But I love it.

- Why are we in a church?
- I once saw a priest

drop his keys and bend over and pick it up,

and it was just so human that
it ruined religion for me.

It's a support group for families.

- Pack it down. And you pack it down.
- And now...

weird friends.

... until one day, what happens?

And I know that his training
officer is scary strong.

But, um, he's still my friend

and the bad guys are still bad

and I just wish I could put him
in a giant envelope and just...

just mail him away from
all the bad guys... (crying)

There's no shame in this.

Do not judge this man.

We won't.

This is a support group.

I know what you're thinking:
he looks like a little punk.

He looks like a little boy.

We... we try not to call names here.

- NICK: Everybody look down. Don't look at him!
- Good first day, Bishop.

- NICK: You never look at a man when he cries.
- Thanks.

- NICK: Back me up, man.
- You ever let your friends try on your uniform?

- What? No.
- Oh, yeah. Me either.

Don't do it. I'm serious.

- Don't do that.
- I won't. I won't.

MAN: I'm telling you,

- you gotta keep clear!
- What?

I'm... I'm not driving
you to the ER this time!

- It's your problem!
- Get out of the way!

Don't look at me like that!

MAN 2: All right, all right!

Morning, Jerry.

- Hey, how are you doing?
- How are you doing?

Eh. Different day, same bucket, right?

Is that today's Times?

Kristof's got a piece on net neutrality.

It's very complex, I
don't know where I stand.

What kind of bagel do
you want this morning?

Uh, poppy seed or sesame?

I'm going sesame today.

- All right.
- Get me a little schmear, would you?