New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 8 - Teachers - full transcript

Ooh, the female reproductive
system.

- Kind of looks
like the Chicago Bulls symbol.

It does.
Now, this is the only part
that matters.

The money train. Sure.
Hey, I call it my nine-to-five.

'Cause it's my job to work it.
You know what I'm saying?

(laughter)

The large intestine,
you degenerates.

What?

Let me see that.
I told Jess

that I don't want
to teach health.

I'm not good at it.
Such a hassle.



Studying, planning, giving
weak kids good grades. No.

I heard that. There are good
things, too. Like you get

to come with me to a
dope two-day teaching
conference in Palmdale.

I want to stay and hang out
with the guys at Guys' Night.
What's Guys' Night?

Oh, yeah, we're celebrating
you being gone. No offense.

Guys' Night!
Guys' Night!

Guys' Night!
Guys' Night!

The conference is gonna be
really fun. We just have

to work from,
like, 9:00 to 7:00.

And then after that
it's a par-tay.

Until 10:00, when quiet hours
are strictly enforced.

But before then we rage.
For three hours.

Actually, two because there's
the half an hour of setup time

and the half an hour of cleanup
time because we have to actually



be in bed at 10:00.

CECE:
Ooh!

Are you kidding me?

Ryan is going?

Ryan-Ryan? The guy you
have a crazy crush on?

I had a crush on him.
Principal Foster

says that administrators can't
date teachers. It's forbidden.

That makes it so much hotter.

It makes it crazy hotter.
But, look,

it's not just
about Principal Foster.

This is
about how I worked

really hard to get
to Vice Principal,

and I'm not gonna let
some British guy get in my way.

Some redcoat bastard.

That's why
I keep all

of our interactions
strictly professional.

Hey. How was
your weekend?

That's personal.

I can't risk learning
any personal details about him.

What if he taught
his dyslexic sister how to read?

I can't know that.
I'll go crazy with lust.

My pants will turn to ash.
And so exactly

how do you plan
to avoid this man

that you are trapped
in the same hotel with?

There are, like, a thousand
porns that start that way.

Yeah, but no porns
have teachers.

Every porn has a teacher.

Well, I'm not worried, okay?

'Cause I'll probably
never even see him.

Jess?

Can you believe we're
right next to each other?

Hey, you guys want sangria?
NICK:
It's Guys' Night!

Only beer!
Yeah, what is
this, Spain?

Great sangria burn, man.

Really?
- Never let
your guard down!

Aah!
- Oh, takedown!

Never let your guard down.

Well played.
All right, first up,

we eat meat.

How much meat?!

Then we take a fart nap.

Not for me. Pass.
All right, guys,

it's Guys' Night.
Let's think.
- Okay.

Anything else we can't
do when Jess is here.

Wow.

Look at that stretching.
I don't want to...

make this sound too creepy,
but I want to own those girls.

I wouldn't touch
them. They'd want

for nothing. But I would know
they were there.

Stretching. For me.
- I want

to French braid that girl hair.

I want to French braid
that hair so good.

The third hottest one
just waved at me.

Hello! Ah!

Ooh!
- Oh, no.

Oh!
- No!

No, no, no!
- Oh...

Jess is gonna kill you.
- Shoot!
She's not gonna kill me.

I'm just gonna, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna have

it cleaned, I'll
have it cleaned.

Schmidt, red wine sets.
Shut up, Winston! It sets.

Why don't you
just wash it?
Why don't I just what?

Wash it.

Just wash the blanket.

Unless you can't.

Come on, man.
Get out of here.

I've known you
for a lot of years

and I've never seen you
do laundry.

Never seen me do laundry...
Get out of town.

Wait, wait.
Is that true?

Come on, you guys,
this is so...

Really, this is silly.

Then do it.

Right now.

We'll watch.

Doing the
laundry...

It's no
problemo.

Little bit
of this.

What in the
world...?

Straining the soap.

Get that
in there.

Back in there.

Um, okay.

And...

That's it.
Laundry.

Can't...
Oh, so silly.

Forgot to put
the quarters in.

That's right, the quarters.

Schmidt...
All right!
I don't know how to do laundry!

I knew it!
- Forget it.

Finally!
- That is
insane!

Hope you're happy.

Nerd. Nerd.

Dud.

Lady nerd.
Goofus.

Virgin...
- Hey, Coach, I need
you to be my buffer!

Okay, but Nick can never
find out about this.

Wait, what?
- Hmm?

What?
- What are you
talking about?

What are you
talking about?

I need you to be my buffer
between Ryan and me.

He's so sexy.

Really?
- Yeah.

That guy?

Beautiful.
Did you make that?

Looks like a Boys
Department mannequin.

Yeah.

Hey, Jess, can I, um...
- Nope.

No time for chatting.

We have to sit down.

You can't
sit there.

Coach likes to sit
in the middle.

Mm-hmm.

I sit bitch
or I don't sit at all.

(whispering): You're weird.
(whispering):
You're weird.

COACH: You're a weirdo.
You're weird.

You're weird.
- You're weird.

Shh.

I am education guru
Brenda Brown.

COACH:
Oh, no. Who is this?
She looks like

one of those ladies who talks
you into having a baby in a tub.

You. The talker.

Mmm...
Stand up.

Talk to us.
There were other people talking,

I just want to
let you know that.
Why are you a teacher?

Uh, 'cause my...

my roommate made me.

Hmm.

What?

I'm worried about you.

You're a worry.

Wor... why, why are you
worried about me?

Teaching is an awesome

responsibility.

You are not prepared for it.
Sit down.

Okay.

Today, we will learn

about our fellow educators,

their hopes, their dreams,

their bitter
regrets.

The things they wish they'd said
to their birth mother...

So, partner up.

Will you be
my partner?

Mmm, sorry,
I'm with Coach.

No, I can't do it.

I'm going to the bar.
- What?

Buffer out. Buffer out.
No, buffer in.

Buffer in. Buffer in.
- Buffer out.

Everything okay here?

Yeah, sorry.

My, um... my partner just left.

Or... did your partner
just arrive?

Oh. Um...
No...

Wicked.
BRENDA:
Everyone!

Look at your partner,
really look.

Take his or her hand and say,

"I'm excited!"

I'm excited.
- Oh, crap.

(knocking at door)

We just came
to say we're sorry.

Guess you think
I'm pretty dim, huh?

A man who can't do laundry.

You weren't born
this way, were you?

Born not knowing
how to do laundry?

Like everyone else?

Yes, Winston, I was.
It wasn't till after birth

that the trouble really began.
Here we go.

SCHMIDT:
Nana wouldn't let me
in the laundry room.

I think it's because my hands

were always covered in butter.

And so I went to college
unable to do laundry.

I'm making jean shorts!
I'm doing laundry!

Big night for both of us!
Yeah, it is.

As I pulled out
my maternity corduroys,

I spied a six-pack
of Pi-Phis.

I need... um...

I need them loose to keep...

to keep my sperm count up.

You know how it is!

Eventually, the window of time
when it was acceptable

to learn something
so basic had closed.

I was an adult.

It was too late.

Well, I understand.

You know, I've never
told anyone this,

but, um...

I don't know how
to read a ruler.

I don't, I mean,
how do you start?

At the edge or
the first tick?

It's confusing to me.
Are you serious?

Do you know how to count?
It always gets on top of me,

and I can't...
'Cause then you should know
how to use a ruler, you idiot!

I'm an idiot? You can't even
wash your own underwear,

you dumbass.

Hey! They're both super easy!

We're talking about
laundry and a ruler!

I'm gonna teach
you guys right now!

Let's go.

Each of you holds
a stack of cards

with questions
for your partners.

You must uncover the answers.
Begin.

What gets you out of bed
in the morning?

Let me guess.

Your mother,
who you live with, says,

"Ryan, your crumpets
are getting cold."

The thought that
any ordinary day could be

the day I look back on
when I'm much older

as being the best day
of my life.

You?

Same.

Don't look away.

Embrace the intimacy...
I'm good.

Embrace the intimacy.
Okay.

You know, I think there's
an art to a picnic basket.

Apricot jam would never go
with a sesame cracker.

Of course it wouldn't,
it would go with
Yeah, it'd go with

BOTH:
a flaky baguette.

Duck, duck. Okay, now
step forward, step forward,

another step forward; okay, go
to your right, go to your right.

Do you scrapbook?

On rainy days.

Step forward, go to your left;
left, left.

Big step, that's it, big step;
now come

to me, another big step;
come to me.

Do you own yarn?

Spools of it.

I craft so much.

It's a left, and again come
to me, come to me.

Yes.
- Come to me.

Oh! (shouts)
- Oh!

It's okay, I've got you.

We have a new record.

He's amazing.

I think he might be an angel

sent down to Earth
like Denzel Washington

in The Preacher's Wife.

Oh, honey, okay, what can I do?

In your purse,

you will find a white envelope.

Okay, you, you wrote
a letter to yourself,

and stuck it in my purse?

Read it, I need to hear it.

"Dear Jess,

"If you are reading this,

"it's because you're
being an idiot

"and developing feelings
for your employee,

you ballet-flat-wearing
piece of Oregon trash."

You are so right.

You are so right.

"To have intercourse
with the first man

"hired under your reign

would be an insult
to yourself and also..."

This part's in caps.

"...all women everywhere."
All women everywhere.

"Did you learn nothing
from the movie Elizabeth,

you stupid little bitch?"

No one respects a queen
who sleeps with her subjects.

I will paint my face white.

No man may have me.

Thank you, Cece.

You're welcome?

Teaching is such
a pain in the ass.

Isn't it?

I'll tell you what,

I wouldn't give it up
for anything.

You get to really impact
those kids' lives.

I'm not gonna impact them,
I'm just teaching health.

"Just health"?

Hey, Carol.
- Hey, Ned.

Oh, it's Carol.
- Oh, hey, Carol.

Health is the most
important subject.

Screw up, and they
"just" get pregnant.

What's your safe
sex lesson plan?

I don't know!

Uh, lie to them
and say condoms feel good?

Uh, maybe tell them
about my buddy

who's got bumps on his thing?

Maybe bring up
Magic Johnson.

Maybe bring up
Kobe Bryant.

You're my best friend
in the whole world,

but I'm really worried
about you.

You think the line is
a suggestion?

I don't know what it is...
It isn't!

Do it again.
- It's too hard!

Do it again!

Okay, so you start
with the first tick.

Oh...

That's it, really.

Stop!

That was at the line!

That was perfect.

Now do it
ten more times.

So in the beginning,
you never mind the edge.

Yeah.
Man.

You got to hold on
to it.

What about bleach?
Let's walk before
we can run, huh, pal?

Hey, Winston,
he's asking about bleach!

(laughs)
Man, that is way too soon.

Warm-warm, warm-cold...
You got this,
don't get flustered!

Cold-cold, hot-cold, hot-hot?
It's hot-hot!

It's always warm-cold.
Well, what's "permanent press"?

Fake button, nobody uses it.
Yeah, don't press that one.

(buzzing)
- The machine is buzzing,
you didn't close it!

What?! Yeah, I closed it!

Who you gonna believe,
me or the machine?!

I'm gonna believe the machine!

(grunts)

This is bull!

(buzzing stops)

Damn it, you!

We're so close.

Take ten and relax.

Nine-inch bottle.

Rappers be lying.

You told me to
relax, so...

Self-pleasure is the only thing
that relaxes me.

Ugh. Seriously, Schmidt?
That is crass.

I don't want to hear it,
I don't want to hear it.

So stupid.

Hey, you did it!

You did it!

Yes!

Yes... yeah!
- (whoops)
- All right!

That's what I'm talking about!

Guys' Night!

Hey.
- Oh, hey.

I saved you a seat.
- Oh! No.

I've been offered a seat
at the higher-ups' table.

The tastemakers.

You're not invited.
- Oh, I see.
You're back to avoiding me.

I'm not av... I don't know
what you're talking about.

Yes, you do. You've been
avoiding me for weeks at school.

That's why I
was so happy

that we were finally
getting a chance to,

I don't know, maybe get
to know each other.
What, is this summer camp?

We don't need to get
to know each other.
What's your problem with me?

Did I do something
to offend you?
- Why do... I...
I don't have a problem.

You have a problem with me.
(mimicking):
I don't have a problem with you.

Yes, you do, you have a problem.
Do you have a problem?

No, I don't have a problem.
Great, then we both

don't have a problem.
We have a problem.

COACH:
Hey, Jess!

Buffer on the roof!

(laughs)

I'm freaking out.

Freakin', freakin' out.

Freak, freak, freak.
(dog barks)

Is that a baby?
I feel like I hear a baby.

All right, gentlemen--
bar crawl.

Man, look at this,
I know how to do laundry!

I feel like a new man.
Good, good, good.

There is no way for me
to express my joy.

Except by telling you
the width of my smile.

(giggles)

(chuckles)

I can't read it,
somebody else read it.

No, I want to do it,
I want to do it, hold on.

But I can't see,
let me turn it... uh...

You know what? To Nick.

What can't you do?

A lot, you know,
I can't say "Frebuary."

(laughs)
No one can!

Frebuar...
Febuar-ar...

Feb.. I... (babbles)
Whatever.

Feb... February.
Yeah, it's February.

I can't say the alphabet
unless I'm singing the song.

And I never learned how to love.

But enough about me...
Guys' Night!

Let's go, gentlemen.

WINSTON:
Man, that is...
that is heavy.

Hey, Nick, that's
something we should talk about.

I mean, what are we gonna do,

sit around all night
and talk about love?

(laughs)

WINSTON AND SCHMIDT:
♪ I want to know what love is ♪

♪ I want you to show me ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ I want to know what love is ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ And I want you
to sh... ♪

FOREIGNER:
♪ I know you can show me ♪
Sad song.

Hey, buddy.

Hey!

JESS:
What's happening?

I freaked out about the
whole teaching health thing,

and then I went and I-I
got drunk with Ned...

Neddy!

And then I bet

everybody in the bar

that I could do a backflip
off the roof,

and that's what I came to do.

So...

Hey, look, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

Uh, I...
- I totally understand
how you're feeling.

Yeah? Does, uh, teaching

scare the crap out of you, Jess?

Well, it is my life's calling,

so, no.
- Exactly.

You don't get it.
I do.

What's up, player?
It's the British dude.

This is my first time teaching,
and I'm scared, too.

It's a terribly important job.
Yeah, but health

is the most...
(all gasping)

I'm good.

Health is the most important

subject on Earth.

Yes, it is
important.

'Cause you know kids,

they're always wanting to have
sex with each other.

They don't know that it
just feels good for a second

and then you're sad.

And that's why we
need someone great,

someone strong,
who the kids trust.

Okay.

Someone who can yell at them

about chlamydia.

That does... that sounds like...

like something Coach would do.

You can teach.
- I can teach, guys!

That's mostly what I
was trying to tell you.

No one needs to worry
about me anymore!

No!
(all screaming)

Oh, my God.
- I'll get him.

No.
- Yes.

Don't do anything heroic
right now. Oh!

(all gasp, exclaim)

(gasping for air)

(cheering)

This guy's
amazing.

NICK, WINSTON AND SCHMIDT:
♪ Hello ♪

♪ Is it me you're looking for? ♪

♪ I can see it in your... ♪

I want to be the someone

that somebody is looking for.

♪ In your smile... ♪
But what do I have to offer?

Do not talk about
yourself like that.

Come on, guys, what do
I bring to the table?

That's easy, man.

You're the cute one.

What?
- SCHMIDT:
That's right.

Look, I'm the smart one,

Winston's the silly one,

Coach is the sports one,
and you're the cute one.

Well, if I were so cute,

then how come I can't find
anyone to love?

'Cause you're
aiming too low.

Nick, my man, you don't
find diamonds underground.

That's exactly where
you find diamonds, Winston.

Let's...
can we not...

This is not
about gems, okay?

This is about Nick
valuing himself

enough to aim
for the top.

Now, I-I've been to the top
of the mountain, with Cece,

and it was glorious
up there.

And you know, one of these
days-- could be tomorrow--

I'm gonna be
a millionaire.

If I don't have Cece,

then what do I have?

You got a million dollars.

If I'm being honest,
you guys, uh...

I'm worried about being a cop.

Sure.
- WINSTON:
You know, what if
I see something

really bad and then it...

it changes me?

You know, it makes me
lose my faith

and then I become really bad?

You guys really think
I'm the cute one?

You know
what's not cute?

Pretending that you don't
know that you are.

Schmidt, this sangria

is just delicious.

Thanks, man.

I'm jealous of that

little orange in there.

It gets to just drink

all the sangria it wants.

Yeah. I'm
probably gonna...

I'm gonna eat the orange, too.

Guys' Night.
Guys' Night!

(blowing)

(whistles)

(whistles)

It's like instant
world music.

(tones harmonizing)

(laughing)

Wait, shh.
- Why "shh"?

I think he's finally...

(Coach snores)

...asleep.
- Asleep.

(giggles)

Cheers.

Chin-chin.

Um...

Hey...

I'm sorry.

I was a little bit
of a jerk to you earlier.

No, it's fine.

I'm used to jerks.

I used to work in finance.

Oh! Finance!

Mm-hmm.
- Really?

Why did you leave?

I know this sounds silly,
but I realized

that the only time
I'd been really happy in my life

was teaching my little sister
how to read.

She suffers from
crippling dyslexia.

Oh, God!
- What?

You're just...
so perfect.

Well, it's more common
than you might think.

No, you're like the
most perfect person

I've ever met.
And it's like

you're an angel
who's been

sent down to the
Earth, like...

have you ever seen the movie
The Preacher's Wife?

Anyway, I just have this
big, stupid crush on you.

I...

didn't say that.

No, it's fine. It's-it's... no.
Shouldn't have
said... No.

I shouldn't
have said that.

I'm sorry,
um...
- I need a bucket.

Now!

Um, you
should go.
I need a bucket!

(gags)
- Just go.

No, let me help, please.
Let me help.

No, just go,
just go, just go.

COACH:
Ugh, gettin' the mouth sweats.

Oh, I need
a bucket!
- Just go.

Just go. Just go.
Okay.

Why is there ice in here?

More room...
- (sighs)

...for what's
about to happen.

Oh, God.
- Oh, my God!

When I get home
I'm hitting the books.

I am going to crush health.

Yeah, you are.
- Yeah.

Ned!

Let me get his contact
before we leave.

What?
- Ned!
I need details, bro!

Hey, man. Am I gonna
get your e-mail?

What's gonna
happen here?
- Yeah, let's do
it, let's do it.

Let's do it,
let's do it.
- Yeah.

At guhmail...
you mean Gmail?

Oh, is that
how you say it?

Um...
(chuckles)

Good morning.

Good morning.

Can I, um... talk
to you about last night?

No, I want to talk
to you about last night,

because I said some things, um,

that don't reflect how
I really feel about you.

Um...

so I'd really appreciate it

if you could strike them
from the record.

It was the conference talking,
not me.

Consider them struck.

Thank you.

Enjoy your
Thanksgiving vacation.

It's, uh, an American holiday

where we celebrate
the fact that we...

didn't know how to farm
by ourselves.

Are you curious to know

how I really feel about you?

No.
- Because if you were

interested,
I'd tell you that

I won't enjoy my Thanksgiving

because I won't get
to see you every day.

I think you're
beautiful

and totally insane,

and when I'm at work,

I can't focus,

because I can't get you

out of my head.

COACH:
Hey.

Hey, uh, you guys
want to stop

on the way home and
get some pancakes?

Hey, what do you call
them in England?

Roundy-yums.

Really?
- No.

See you after the holidays.

Oh, boy.

You didn't see anything!

Where'd your lipstick go?

Hit 'em! Hit 'em!
- From
the back.

Hit 'em!
- Ugh!

It smells terrible in here!

How many beers
did you guys drink?

So much.
- Beer, beer!
Lots of beer.

Just a lot
of beer.

That's how
beer smells.
- So many beers.

(sniffs)

Smells like sangria.

SCHMIDT:
That must be the perfume

from all the ladies
we hooked up with. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.
- They were all
Spaniards.

WINSTON:
Mine was named

Señorita Lucinda
Madrid.

Say, how was the conference?

It was just... a stupid...

conference...

So she finally
hooked up with Ryan.

He put his teeth
behind her teeth.

Aah!

(sighs)

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God...

What the hell did you guys
do to my blanket?!