New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 7 - Goldmine - full transcript

Gentlemen, three months ago,

I bravely re-entered
the dating pool.

And how has this city
rewarded me?

With an endless parade
of weirdo ass clowns.

Hard to say who was the worst.

Comedy magician.
No, it's the guy
with the little ding-ding.

The lion tamer.
Never went out
with a lion tamer.

Then I am having
some vivid dreams.

The point is,

Ian has asked me out
on a third date.

Ooh.
- And this is the biggest
compliment I could give:



I want to go.

Because I like him.
Boo.

That's not a reason.
And, frankly, it's been a while.

And the third date is where

¶ Mama gets her biscuit. ¶
(chuckles)

Mama gets her biscuit.
I don't understand.

It's sex.
Oh!

Yeah!
- Now, that's a reason!

Anyway, I'm bringing him
home tonight,

so let's keep
those toilets flushed.

That means stick around.
Take a second look.

How'd you tell Ian about
the fun surprise that
you still live with your ex?

All right.

Well, I haven't told him yet.



Uh, tricky conversation.

I'm thinking
of something simple like,

"Hey, Ian, I live with my ex."

No. No, no. When a guy
hears that, he is going to

run through the wall
like the Kool-Aid Man.

Here's a fun idea. You can put
a hat on him with antlers.

This way, the hole he makes in
the wall will make us all smile.

Nick brings home girls
all the time.

There's no problem.
No complaints here.

It'll make you forget
every botanical garden

you've ever seen.

I live with my ex-girlfriend.

And after the
farmer's market...

I live with my ex.

Let's have sex again.

I live with my ex.

(sighs)

Damn it. Too quick.

Hey, if you're looking
to scare somebody off,

it's basically a gold mine.

Nobody cares that we're exes
who live together.

(groans)
I got to go.

Okay, that doesn't
prove anything.

Just for the record, I'm leaving
'cause you live with your ex.

It's gross.
And disgusting.

And I'm gonna steal some stuff.

Take what you want, honey.

COACH:
We don't read those anymore.

(door closes)

Nick, who are these girls?

They're not the best.

Jess, guys hate
complicated situations.

We want the path
of least resistance.

There's a flap in our underwear
because we are too lazy

to pull our underpants down.

No offense, Nick, but...

Ian's a little different from
you or the women you bring home.

The... tavern folk.

Have some respect.
They're called Uh-Ohs.

And I've been through a lot
of names: Pork Pals,
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.
- Bone Cronies,

Right.
- C-Plussy Hussies.

Very reverent.
But "Uh-Oh"

takes it off of them

and back onto me
where it belongs.

I made the mistake, not them.
They're great.

You really are a prince
among men, Nick.

Aw, that's awfully nice.
I feel like I'm maturing.

All I'm saying is that, somehow,

Ian is even more mature
than you are.

And that's why I think
he'll understand

when I tell him in a mature
adult way, I live with my ex,

but there's nothing
to worry about.

Can I suggest a tweak?
Fine.

"I live with my ex, but
there's nothing to worry about

because he's gay now."
No.

"Because he has weeks to live."
No.

"Because he's already dead."

What?
- Then I'll act like a ghost.

No.

(imitating ghost):
Consider it.

No.
- Come on.

That's the worst ghost
impression I've ever heard.

This is the worst ghost
impression you've ever heard?

(imitating ghost):
I'm a ghost.

(scoffs)
There's way worse.

(Winston humming softly)

Anything for me?

Oh, no, this isn't our mail.
This is our neighbors' mail.

You see, Viv likes it
alphabetized.

Yet Michelle likes it
according to size. (chuckles)

Hashtag "go figure," right?

Hashtag "did you see
how I rhymed?"

I want to choke you
until your eyes

literally pop out
of your head.

Those girls are not
going to sleep with you.

They are hot. And nothing is
less hot than a male secretary.

(imitates record scratching)

What?

I think somebody needs
to take a good long look

at Defense Secretary
Chuck Hagel.

Dude's eyes are so pouchy,

he can barely see anything,
and he's still killing it.

Girls don't have sex with
guys who sort their mail.

Look, I am playing
the long game here, Coach,

weaving myself into the
fabric of their lives.

Pretty soon I'll
be as permanent

as the will that I
helped them draw up.

Oh, Winston, thank
God you're here.

The toilet won't flush.

Did you jiggle the handle?

No, it's not
working for us.

Here.
- Oh.

I'm not here to do any chores.

You guys want
to hang out tonight?

Sure.
- Sure.
- Right on.

Right on. That's what's up.

WINSTON: Coach, I really need
my stilts and a plunger!

Eh, I don't care.

I'm happy
to lend you a bra,

but I don't think I have
anything that would fit you.

That's the Peter Pan.

That'll smash 'em down good,

but you'll never
get those in there.

I know. I just wanted to see

what it would feel like
to be your size.

Are we doing, like,
a boob Freaky Friday?

Because I don't want to lug
yours around. They're a load.

I know. That's the whole point.
That's why all the women

in my family have back trouble,
you know?

(groans)

So, now that I have
insurance, though,

I was thinking
maybe I could have, like,

breast reduction surgery.

SCHMIDT (in distance):
No!

(footsteps running)

(frantic knocking)
I wonder who this is.

What?

It's a boob reduction, Schmidt.

Just accept it.

Acceptance is stage five.

I'm grieving, Cece.
There are five stages of grief.

Stage one was denial.

This is not happening,
this is not happening.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

You're not getting
a boob reduction.
Yes, I am.

This is not happening.
Yes, it is.

Stage two was anger.

Your breasts belong
to all of us!

Okay.

Who are you to decide?!

Next will be stage
four, depression.

And then stage
five, acceptance.

But right now, I'm firmly
planted in stage three,

bargaining.

Dear God, if you stop
Cece's breast reduction,
- Okay.

I'll circumcise Coach.
WINSTON: Whoa, Coach.

Go out with them tonight?
Doesn't make any sense, man.

And compromise
the long game? Ha.

Not until I replace their
rocker switches with dimmers.

Forget your long game,
Winston! Getting a girl

to have sex with you is
not about planning ahead.

It is about seizing
opportunities

that you never saw coming.
It is instinct.

All right?
It is improv.

It is jazz, man.

But with words. You dig?
And the words are,

"Oh, yeah, girl,
I'm about to..."

(scatting loudly)

(phone vibrating)

(humming quietly)

(chuckles) Glen, my man,
tell me something good.

And you better not be
trying to sell me

some non-dimmable halogens,
you son of a...

Where you at?
Are you kidding me?

(sighs)

Hey, buddy.

You know what you need to
surround yourself with tonight?

Four new boobs.

On two different women?

You're damn right.

Take me to them.

(laughs)

Um, do you want to, like,
go find a bar, grab a drink?

There's a bar that I like.

It's called... my place.

Great. Uh, is it...
You think it'll be crowded?

You know I'm talking
about my house, right?

Okay. Yeah, no, I wasn't...
I thought that was just

a clever name, but now I do.
- No.

And, yeah, let's go there.

(laughs)

Um, one thing I want to,

uh, disclose to you
in a very mature

adult way, I...
live with my ex.

Okay. Uh, yeah,
you live with your ex.
- Yeah.

But also three other guys.

It's more zany than sexy.

Okay. So it, like,
wasn't really serious?

Oh, it was very serious.

Did you say "I love you"?

Not until he said it.
(chuckles)

Uh, yeah, I don't think
I can do this.

I'm sorry. I just...
- What?

I've been on so many weird dates
lately. I'm just looking
No. Ian.

for something easier. I...
No, Ian, Ian, Ian,

Ian, Ian, look.

Yes, I live with my ex.

But there's nothing
to worry about.

Because...

Nick. You're gay.

Huh?
- You're gay.

Be gay. Be gay. Be gay.

Be gay?

Hey.
(chuckles)

I just had to make sure
these animals flushed.

Oh.
- Not you, you
fastidious queen.

Oh, y-you must be Nick.

Well, friends call me Gay Nick.

My perfect Sunday-- sitting
here, watching the game,

eating a pot pie
with a hot dude

with no shirt on,
on my lap kissing me.

Right on, man.
- Right on, man.

All right.
- You got it.

(imitates explosion)

Uh, can I use
your restroom?

Yeah. It's down the hall
to the right.

Don't worry. I won't peek.

But he wants to.
- (chuckles)

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

I should just
tell him the truth.

It's too late
for the truth, Jess.

You live with a gay man,

and this gay man's
gonna help you get laid.

Okay. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Do you think you
can play a gay man?

I'm terrible at lying,
I'm terrific at make-believe.

Okay.
- Okay? But I need
to know some backstory

'cause it's very
important to me.

Okay. Yeah,
backstory's important.
- Okay.

Tell me, have I always
known I was gay,

or did I just recently
realize it?

That's-- Um, you-you always
knew you were gay,

but you grew up
in an oil town

where masculinity was
the most valued currency.

Um, you-you had an older
brother named Chip.

And Chip was
a union guy.
- Yes.

And if it wasn't
about Teamster Local 11,

Chip didn't want
to hear about it.

Oh, my God, we're doing this.

When I came out, was it flashy?

Was it emotional?

Am I mad that Anderson Cooper
doesn't fly the flag?

Or for what he's doing in his
own way-- is it even braver?

These are all really good
questions, but I just can't

get my mind off, like,
why you dress this way.

Why aren't you
in better shape?
Don't put me in a box!

There's nothing we gay men hate
more than being put in a box.

Good.
- Look, maybe I'm a bear,
maybe I'm a twinkler.

That's not a category.
(loudly): I like rugby

for the game
and for the men.

Now, if you excuse me,
I got to go do

that gay thing
I was telling you about,

because, of course,
I'm gay as hell.

(laughs)
- Bye.

(whispers):
That's not how gay men talk.

(whispers): I am
shattering stereotypes.

What are you
doing here, man?

WINSTON:
I'm always here.

Very definition
of the long game.

COACH: Forget your long game.
It doesn't...

What is he...?

What are you doing, man?

Is this...?

Is this the fut... the future?

I can hold them both
in one hand.

Yeah, man.

(sighs)

No, no, there it is.
Look at that.

Stage four-- depression.

My two best friends
are going away.

Going away far too soon.

And if you were lucky enough
to meet them,

to touch them,
to be touched by them,

you came away
a better person.

If you'll excuse me.

Is he... is he talking
about you guys?

Yes. Yes, he is, uh...
he's talking about us.

We are, unfortunately,
we're going away... tomorrow.

So, uh, we better make
tonight count, huh, ladies?

Wait.

We barely got
to know you!

How long will
you be gone?

For... for...

44 weeks.
- 44 weeks?

Tell them about
our business, man.

You don't have to be
shy about it.

Uh, right.
- No. Yeah.

Hello. Do you like socks?

We sell socks.

Everybody likes socks.

I just cried on my penis
while I was peeing.
- Whoa.

SCHMIDT:
That happened.

I just can't stop thinking
about them.

(sighs)

You know, there are some people
that are gonna say that they...

they look alike.

That they're exactly the same.
And you know what?

They just don't know them
like I know them.

Truth-truth be told?

One of them...

One of them is slightly
more brown than the other.

And they're so unique,

and they're so special.

You know what I'm gonna miss
most about them?

Watching them bounce.

Watching them...

Watching them bounce.

If you just give me
a chance to exp...

Well, easy come,
easy go.

Easy? Easy?!

You just stole six
months of my life, man.

I am... I am
P.O.'d, hombre!

Winston!

Can I get a high five?
- Bam.

(laughs)

Sorry I called you a biscuit.

I'm sorry I liked
it so much.
- (laughs)

(knocking)
- NICK:
Hey, Jess, you in there?

Is that Nick?

Do you mean Gay Nick?

Yeah, that's Gay Nick.

(whispering):
I am so sorry.
- What's going on?

I screwed up.
(door opens)

A girl, Nick?
- I know.

Nick, really?

(laughs):
Hey.

(laughs)

You look like my
dead friend Karen.

Does anyone ever
tell you that?
- Hmm, no.

Thank you.
- NICK:
Hmm.

(door closes)
What?!

I wanted to be gay
for you, I really did,

but it's a very
hard time to be gay.

Girls are wearing
scarves and boots.

They have so many
layers to them.

What is underneath all those
layers? I want to find out!

Are you blaming autumn?

Look, it was one night.
Get rid of her!

I tried. I told her I live with
my ex, and she didn't care.

You look so cute
in the morning.
(laughs)

You talking
to me or her?
(laughter)

(door closes)
- Okay. I'll get rid of her.

I'll just pretend
to be your crazy ex-girlfriend.

I can do this. I did a one-woman
production of A Christmas Carol.

(British accent):
You, sir, what day is it?

Aye, it's Christmas day.

That was not good.

It was perfect.
- Thank you.
I thought you'd think that.

Yeah, it's perfect.
All right, look,

you stay here
and keep your gay warm, okay?

In case Ian comes back.
Also, can we agree

that this is not the most
mature way to handle things?

Even though it's pretty fun.

It's no fun a
couple Bellinis

and a round of apples
to apples can't solve.

What kind of gay are you?
I'm still finding it.

All right.
- All right.

Nick thinks we're broken
up, but he also thinks

that the last girl he slept
with wasn't me in a wig.

(laughs)

Wigs are so good
for tricking guys.

I'm around all the time.

Do you really want to get
yourself in this situation?

My last boyfriend was, like,
honestly in his 80s.

I was just like,
"Don't die, Myron."

Does that answer
your question?

Tell me everything
you did sexually!

Everything!
All of it, or leave!

I put my finger...
- Stop!

But you asked...
- No.

I-I did, but
it backfired.

WINSTON:
Ah, so it is

load bearing, huh?

What are you doing?

Me? Oh, well, first,
I'm putting up the shelves.

Then I got to finish the floor,

so that the shelves can
appear level, then the ceiling.

Enough! All right? You've
done enough for these women.

Look, ladies, I tried
to manipulate you,

and I am sorry about that, but

you guys have been manipulating
my friend for months.

It is not okay. Just dangling
sex like a little carrot.

We are not using sex
to get Winston to do stuff.

No.

Wait. You're not?
- No.

Well, then he's
done doing stuff.

Come on, Winston.
You're better than this.

Forget you guys.

Wait!

Yeah, just-just
give us a minute.

Okay, we have
to talk about...
- Okay.

What are they
whispering about?
- I don't know.

We could just
stack the books.

No...
- No.

Oh, man, this is
embarrassing.

Uh...

Okay. It's me.

Come on.

What?

Wait. Listen. Um...

Michelle, you don't
have to do this.

That's okay. I
kind of want to.

Just, uh, keep the
pencil behind your ear,

and bring the hard hat,
um, and the safety goggles.

(whispers):
Long game.

(sighs)

Wonder what's taking,
uh, Jess so long.

Well, you know women.

What's women?

(laughs)

(laughs):
Am I right?
- "What's women?"

I just don't know them
like you know them, is my point.

Uh-huh.

Uh, so, what kind of guys
do you like to date?

Me? All kinds.

Yeah.

Hunks. If I can get my, uh,
paws on a hunk, I don't let go.

Uh, ripped nerds.

'Cause they're smart
but strong, I guess.

Uh-huh.
- I like Spanish guys.

Throw in a little, uh,
hint of German in there,

there's a perfect combo.

Okay.

Certain ice cream men, I guess.

Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys.

Uh, we in the gay community
call them "drowsers."

Why would you like
a sleepy guy?

Look... I'm so
out of the game--

I'm in a relationship.

Um...

he's got a nice penis.

You're sweating a lot.

That's what he said! Am I right?

(laughs)

I'm a sweaty lover,
is what he says to me.

Okay, you know, you
really don't seem gay.

I don't buy it.

Hey.
- Not now.

Probably wondering why I
didn't come home last night.

Just needed some space to
process this whole thing.

I'm sorry if our
room felt empty.

(sighs)

Well, it did.

I was really worried
about you.

So where were you?
You owe me that much.

I just went walking on
the streets last night.

I needed to come to
terms with all this.

Ended up in a park.
I know that's stupid,

but I promise
I was careful.

I mean, I was
totally safe.

A park?

I don't know, man.
- Hey,

I'm upset... but I understand.

It's okay.

Come here.

Come here.

(sighs)
There, there.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Acceptance. Wow.

Yeah.

Give me a kiss.

Just give me a kiss.

All right?

I felt like you needed that
more than I did.

(sighs)

Your scruff, by the way,
is perfect.

Don't touch your
beard trimming setting.
- Okay.

Take it easy.
Okay.

That was beautiful.

I'm-I'm sorry,
you know?

I think I'm just
more used to, like,

stereotypical gay guys,
like him, you know?

You offended me.
- I'm sorry.

Ian! Ian!

Ian, hi. There are some events
that are about to occur

that I'd like
to get ahead of.

Um, the truth is that Nick is...

Oh, God.

Get off of me!

You're not a man!

Ian! Wait.
I'm so sorry I lied,

and you don't owe me
anything, but could I just

ask you one thing
before you leave?

What is this,
an exit interview?
Is there any good way

I could have told you
about my living situation?

Okay, you know what?
Fair question. Um... no!

Look, Nick was
just trying to help me.
Clearly,

he would do anything for you.
I mean, he went so far

as to hire an actual gay man
to play his cheating lover.

What? Oh, my God.
You know what?

I think that was Schmidt.

He's... not gay.

When are the lies
gonna stop?!

Now, this is just
a consultation,

so do your best
to relax.

Okay.

Stop the surgery!

This is just a consultation.

May we have the room, please?

That's what it's here for.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing?!
Okay, look, I know

I can't stop this,
and I accept that,

but I just wanted
to stop it long enough

so that I could
say good-bye.

Aw. Look, this is a
low-risk procedure, okay?

I'm gonna be fine.

Oh, you meant say
good-bye to my boobs.

I forgot who I
was talking to.

No, Schmidt, you
cannot see my boobs.

I need to look them in the eyes.
I can't let them leave

without knowing how much
they've meant to me.

I'll let them know.
- No.

I need to tell them myself.

(groans) All right...

you can say good-bye
to one, all right?

I mean, j-just one?
One.

(sighs)
Gosh almighty.

The Ultimate Sophie's Cho-Cho.

I mean, there's Harold,
who's just...

full of life...

(groans)

(sighs)
And Kumar, who's shy.

Who's shy, but yet
surprisingly so brave.

But, you know, who wouldn't be
with a best friend like Harold?

Oh, my God, fine!

You can say good-bye
to both, okay?

Okay. I need you
to put these on.
- What?

This is a private conversation
that doesn't concern you.

The playlist...

matches the mood.

(Pachelbel's "Canon in D"
playing)

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

(music fades)

I mean, I guess
if I'm being honest,

it doesn't matter
what size you are.

I'm always gonna love you,

because you're attached
to the most beautiful person

in the whole world.

(music resumes)

You know what I think? I think

that when people go
on dates with us,

probably talk
to their friends

and their friends say,

"You go on dates with
a lot of weirdos."

(shower running)
Oh, my God.

We're the weirdo ass clowns.

Aw, no. Everyone in their 30s
waits in line for the shower.

I'm sorry, but the truth is,
as long as you live with me,

you're not gonna meet
a normal guy.

(Jess chuckles)

Why are you guys
all in here?

Winston's taking
a long-ass shower.

Poor guy gets dirty.

All right, let me see the new.

I accept it.

Again, it was just
a consultation.

And actually, I don't even know
if I'm gonna go through with it.

You're still here.
I saved you.

I'm your Schindler.
One day, your children

are gonna put rocks
on my grave.

Hey, uh, wow.
You guys mind if I get cuts?

'Cause I am very dirty.
JESS: Wait a minute.

Who's in the sh...

Hey, what's the vibe here

on shower pee-pee?

I'm just trying to plan my day.

Who is this woman?!

You have awesome water pressure.

You should see
what's falling out of my hair.

Well, Nick...

looks like you're gonna
have to marry her.

It's looking
that way, isn't it?
- Yeah.

She's not so bad.
She's peeing in the shower.

Yeah, she is. Classic Tina.
(laughs) That's weird.