New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 6 - Background Check - full transcript

Cece went on a date last night?
Schmidt, why don't you just read my text messages
while I'm in the shower like you normally do?
Our Cece has taken a lover? Good for him.
Don't get weird, Schmidt. I'm not being weird. I just said good for him.
You know, I've camped in that forest, too.
The babbling brook, the beautiful mountains,
little secret trailway that's only open seasonally,
and when it is-- let me tell you something-- bring a camera.
Cool, not weird at all.
Good, you're all here.
I just got a tip from my buddy Dugan.
My academy background check is today and I need
everybody's help. Can't do it, bro.
Going to the outlet mall today-- I'm gonna look like What?
a rich person from three years ago. Can't... You can't go
to the outlet mall today. Not today. Yeah, you can't
go to the outlet mall today. Why?
It's a weekend-- what are you, crazy? Unless you
got a game plan. I have a game plan.
SCHMIDT: Grab a quick smoothie, power up.
Do my leg stores first. Pants, socks, shoes.
Hats and accessories last, then one sweet treat
for the road. Most likely a cinnamon pretzel.
I'm in. (laughs) That sounds like a tight afternoon. I'm in for sure.
What the hell, dude? I do want to be part of the pretzel.
This is my life. If I don't pass the background check,
then I fail out of the police academy.
Guys, this is an all-hands-on-deck situation.
If we don't help him, Winston
will never become a cop. Remember?
He-He handcuffed his cat's paw
to a radiator and then lost the key.
In my defense, I was making a Christmas card, so... Okay,
you know what-- I'm gonna cancel my plans with Cece.
I'll find out about her date with Paul later.
A ridiculous name. Oh, hey, my name is
Puh-ha... Pau... I don't even know how to pronounce that.
It's Paul. I'll take that Paul, I'll take him to a water park, I will.
I'll put him on one of those waterslides between
two obese people and he'll get smushed to death.
Die in a... Die in a water... He'll die between
the obese people before he drowns in the water. What?
Hmm? - Schmidt, that is exactly the kind of talk we can't have today
when the LAPD comes here.
Um... the, uh, cops are coming here?
Yes. - Like, here, here?
Yes. Like, to our home,
w-where we keep our stuff?
Why can't we just go there? We'll just
go there, a-answer some questions, get an ice coffee
on the way back-- I really feel like ice coffee. It's a home visit, Jess.
And not just from any cop. It's from
Sergeant Tess Dorado. The Fish.
I'm pretty sure they call her The Fish because
she's tough but fair,
just like most fish I've interacted with. Winston, "dorado" is a fish.
It's a subset of mahi-mahi and it pairs very nicely
with citrus, you oaf. I'm not a oaf, you're a oaf, stupid. (snorts)
So... You're dumb. Shut up. Also, put on
some underpants, please. It's like a bounce house down there.
Do you guys think that the cops are gonna go through our stuff?
What are you afraid of? They'll look through your dream journal?
No, I just... What, are you running a sweatshop
back there for skirts that look like curtains?
Actually... What'd you-What'd you, steal a kiss and
hide it in an envelope? (all laugh)
I have a bag of meth in my closet.
Oh, I know it's in here somewhere...
Oh, oh, ooh. These are my "bad decision" hats.
Bad decision, right? How do you
not know where a bag of meth is? - Find it and get rid of it.
Find it, get rid of it. Jess, why do you have meth in your closet?
Do you remember that day when I was trying to convince you guys
to come with me to that waffle restaurant in the Antelope Valley that I found?
And you were like, "That's way too far to go for waffles."
Turns out you were right-- how good can a waffle really be?
That's the question I answered that... NICK: Tell us the story faster.
Your waffle story sucks. Where is the bag of crystal methamphetamine, you dummy?
Okay, fine. Do you see that footstool?
I bought it at a garage sale.
Turns out the top opens up
and when I opened up the top,
I found-- here it is--
this.
COACH: Holy frickin' what?
(whoops) - Aah!
Oh, hey. How do I look? JESS: Terrible.
N-Not for me. - Not great. - Like crap.
Go change. SCHMIDT: I don't like any of it.
Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol.
You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later.
All right. Okay, Winston cannot find out about this.
Because if he doesn't know, he can't get in trouble, and
he's probably already failing out of the academy as it is.
Also, why are you keeping this in your closet? What am I supposed to do--
notify the authorities? I'm sorry, Officer,
I found this bag of meth in a footstool
I bought at a garage sale. Uh, no.
My closet is safe. The only person who goes in there
is me when I'm naked and/or sad.
Hey. Much better, right?
I found it on the lawn.
(chuckles)
And that's the whole story.
So, you guys ready? She's on her way.
Why don't you go wait for her downstairs?
Don't make her buzz up like a shawarma boy.
Good idea, good idea.
This way, I get to tell her my sidewalk joke.
You remember the sidewalk joke, right?
There's a man on the s...
How's it...? There's a man on the...
Oh, you know, okay...
Everybody just calm down.
Especially you, Nick, you're already sopping wet.
Lying makes me sweat. I can't lie.
It's why I don't play poker or talk to pregnant ladies.
No one has to lie. I'm just going to get rid of it.
(mutters anxiously)
I'm gonna call Cece.
She knows about this stuff.
She lived one summer in Milan
with a guy named Crystal Randy.
Ask her about the date. Hey, Cece,
quick question. How does one get
rid of a bag of meth? Call me back.
Ask her if Paul is taller than me. - Stop it.
Did she surrender her virtue? Hey.
Throw it in the trash. - I can't see it.
I can't see where it goes, 'cause then when she comes
in here, I'll just yell "trash!" I'll yell "trash!"
Cover your ears and sing "Landslide."
SCHMIDT: Let's call Cece again. ¶ Took my love and I took it down ¶
We need to get this back in my closet...
I could see your lips moving.
Well, close your eyes. (Nick singing)
Throw it out the window, okay?
I'll sneak down there, I'll toss it in
the Dumpster. Here.
Oh! JESS: Oh, my God!
What the heck, Jess? - JESS: I threw like a boy!
I've always thrown like a boy! You almost hit me in the face!
What are you, nuts? - Overhand?
Oh, well, Winston's a goner.
You know, this building used to be a biscuit factory.
And apparently, the mice have not been told
it's gone residential.
Was that a joke?
I hate jokes.
¶ ...of changing ¶ JESS: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
¶ 'Cause I built ¶ We just have to hide this.
¶ My whole life around you ¶ Throw it in here.
Come on! I was bringing it to you!
Why does everybody keep asking me to throw stuff?
SCHMIDT: Work on your aim!
This is actually a really good song. Nick, stop singing!
Where are we gonna put this? - Put it in the baggie!
Fun Saturday?
No. My bird died.
Well, my mom used to say
when a bird dies,
he gets another set of wings in heaven, so...
Well, that bird was going straight to hell.
Welcome to our home.
I will ask you questions. You will ask me no questions.
In pursuit of that,
I will offer up three personal facts:
I was born in St. Louis,
I have three brothers, two of whom
were killed in separate plane crashes,
and...
I like music.
Good? Good.
Now, let's get started--
My name is Nick.
Nicholas Miller?
I-I don't... I don't know.
SCHMIDT: Hah!
He's just messing around with you.
He's our resident clown here.
DORADO: Let's keep this simple.
I need to be home in time
to feed my bird.
Oh, God.
(light clattering)
Uh, green grape? Would you like...?
No, thanks.
I already had my grapes.
Jess!
I got your message.
Where's the freaking me...
Play along, or Jess goes to jail.
What are you doing? - Hey.
Look, it's my girlfriend Cece.
What's up, Cece? - Ah, it's his girlfriend Cece.
WINSTON: Girlfriend? Oh, my goodness,
you guys are back together?
Yeah. - No, uh...
Like I always say, you can't put
peanut butter and jelly on the same shelf
and expect 'em not to mix.
'Cause somebody got to eat a sandwich.
It's exciting. Yeah, no.
Moving on. Miss Day,
in your own words, please state
why Cadet Bishop would be an asset
to the Los Angeles Police Department.
A few kind words. Known me for a long time. - Yeah.
It's your boy Winnie the Bish. - Oh!
(light clattering)
I have to go to the bathroom.
WINSTON: If you guys will excuse me
for just one second.
Okay.
Will somebody answer the question so I can write it
on the form and we can get on with our lives?
Why would Bishop make a good police officer?
Mustache. I'm sorry?
Because, uh, Winston has a mustache.
And, uh, police officers all have mustaches.
No, they don't. Not the ladies.
Unless the ladies want to.
Why can't a lady have a mustache?
She can. And it would look sexy.
Would you like a green grape shoved in your...
given to your mouth? Handed to your mouth?
I'm asking a simple question,
unless you don't think he would be an asset to the LAPD. No,
he-he would. He definitely would. Yeah, he would.
You know, Winston has done plenty for, uh,
the, um... community.
He has a little brother at the Boys & Girls Club.
Of course. All the work that Winston does
with the Boys & Girls Club that he actually does in real life.
COACH: So much work at the Boys & Girls Club. Yeah. So passionate.
What was his little brother's name again?
Duke. - Juan.
Duquan is his name. - Duquan.
Duquan. Duquan.
And I'm Nick Miller.
Hey, let me ask you s... um...
Hmm?
Breasts.
It's my cycle. - Already?
Damn, girl. My calendar is way off on you.
You must be, what, like, ten days early?
Aw, Winston. Someday you're gonna make some lucky girl
really uncomfortable. Can you go get Cece
and tell her to meet me in the bathroom?
Sure. And, girl, uh, you ain't got a cycle--
you got a roller coaster.
(chuckles) Don't I know it, girl? Mm-hmm.
(growls, chuckles)
Duquan Feldman?
I'm gonna make a note to call the Boys & Girls Club.
No! Why not?
Uh, because he's coming here.
Why would... why would Duquan come-come here?
Because he comes here every Saturday.
He does? - Then where is he?
Huh? It's Saturday. Where is he?
He's at the bus station. He's waiting for, uh,
one of us to get him, and, uh...
You know what? I'll go do it. You guys stay put.
You're gonna go and get Duquan?
I think so.
Yeah.
You guys, anybody want to...
come... with? No?
(sighs) Where are you, Duquan?
Hey. Cece, Jess needs some help
with some lady stuff. Of course.
You know how we do. (chuckles)
SCHMIDT: Whoof...
Gonna...
Must be a rough one. You know what,
I'm gonna have a look around.
What a great i... You know what, you should start
with Nick and I's room. We share it.
Hey, don't mind the condoms. We've been banging like rabbits.
Not each other.
What are you doing? Jessica.
No, Jessica! What are you doing? You do not put drugs
down the shower drain. Have you never seen a drug movie before?
I don't know. I saw Ray. That does not count.
I might have ruined Winston's chances of being a cop. Well, we can cry
about that later. We are gonna take the drugs now and we're gonna go flush 'em, all right?
What are you doing? Come on. Help me. Pick up the drugs, Jess.
I think that the meth entered my bloodstream
through my boob skin. That is not a thing.
That's not how drugs work. I'm the one
on meth! Don't tell me how drugs work!
Okay.
(toilet gurgling)
Oh, my God.
(exhaling anxiously)
Could you open this trunk?
Oh, I'll do more than open it.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm gonna open the trunk.
(whispers): I think I'm having a heart attack.
What are you... Oh, my God.
You're a mess. Here.
Cover up. Cover... No, I'm not putting that... I'm not putting
on your kimono. It legitimizes you owning it. Just put it on.
Put it on. Okay.
I'm wearing a kimono.
I see that. Why?
Why? Why is he still wearing pants? That's the real question.
(creaking, clanging) What's all that going on out there?
I'm on drugs.
I'm on drugs...
What's all that clanging?
Uh, just a bunch of clanging.
Well, there's feminine issues...
It's probably the ladies playing with their jewelry.
Their brooches. - You know how... Brooches. Of course.
Nick makes a very good point.
I'm gonna go check on that right now, actually.
Uh, Winston,
why don't you show the good sergeant
Jess' room? What?
What a great idea. Oh, I've had
intercourse in there.
You'll be excited to...
I think I'm gonna take off, too. Nick, what is going on out there?
What's going on out there? No, I'm asking you what's going on.
Hmm? - What's going on?
(grunting quietly)
It's gonna be okay.
Hey, what happened to the "turlet"?
Schmidt, you're here. So we're in a little bit
of a thing right now, but you're our best cleaner.
We might be out of towels, but you'll figure out something.
Right? It's gonna be fun. - Jess,
are you crying right now? I don't know.
I hadn't noticed. Um... (sniffles)
I might be on drugs. You gonna help mop
or are you just gonna try to kiss me again? Oh, please.
You kissed me back. Your... I felt
your lips surrender. And who's this Paul anyway? Paul.
What, does he work in a pizzeria? - Yes, Schmidt,
I went on a date with a guy named Paul.
You just need to get over it. Paul. Paul. Nice name, dude.
Why is your shirt off? I've seen New Jack City, okay?
They all take their shirts off in the crack cocaine lab!
Ah, it won't go down!
Hats off to the hillbilly that made this meth.
Meth?
What meth?
This meth.
It's... legal meth.
It's... medical meth.
For my... cramps.
Wait a minute. Who's with Nick?
¶ I took my love and I took it down ¶
¶ I drove around and I hit a pound ¶
¶ And I saw all the puppies with their ¶
¶ Eyes so blind... ¶
Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Sergeant Dorado, don't listen to him! He's deranged!
I'm gonna talk to this man alone.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
That is not good.
No.
So, this Paul...
I've never seen someone sweat so much
in my life. It looks like your body is crying.
What are you hiding?
Distraction!
Okay. You're a tough cookie.
And that's the last thing I'll say.
Look... Okay, you want the truth? I'll tell you everything.
When I was 13 years old,
I once made love to myself behind a post office.
Oh.
Hey!
(honks horn) Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
Yo! What's up? You in the shorts.
Hey, come here, man. Come here. I need a little boy.
(chuckles) Whoa. No. That's not what I meant. No, no, no.
I didn't mean... You know what I'm... Ah.
I wasn't trying to...
It's for my friend, you know?
I need you to come over to, uh, hang out with my friends.
No, not like that. I just need you to pretend
like, uh, you're in a relationship
with this grown man that I know. Ah! Ah! Uh, I did not
think this through. Did not think this through.
Um, bad decision. Very bad decision.
I'm gonna go now. Don't remember my face.
Forget this face. This didn't happen.
What is wrong with the name Paul, okay?
Paul is a normal name. He is a normal guy.
That is the problem, okay?
You shouldn't be with a normal guy.
All right, okay.
It was Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
What? You... you were... you were with Zack Morris?
Mm-hmm. - Guy's a frigging god.
I mean, all right. I've... I surrender.
That's awes... Can I come to the wedding?
(laughs) - You think Slater and Screech are gonna be there?
(laughing): I'm kidding. I just wanted to see you freak out. - (sighs)
You really had me going there for a second.
(laughing) It works every time with you.
It's amazing. Now...
There was a real second there where I had bad feelings
towards Mark-Paul Gosselaar,
and I didn't like any moment of that.
How dare you. Don't ever do that to me again.
When I was nine years old,
I fed cereal flakes to a frog, and it died.
Then I went into a period of time
where I fed cereal flakes to all little animals.
Squirrels can live through it, chipmunks can live through it.
Anything that lives half in and out of water dies,
and I don't understand why.
When I was ten, I once walked by my mother sleeping,
and I snuck in the room, and I put a lemon in her mouth.
When I was 11, I once tried on my girl cousin's wool tights,
and I didn't hate the way it felt!
Why are you telling me this?
Because you said you wanted to hear everything!
My sixteenth year, I never got an erection.
I thought they were done.
I thought my penis was dead.
It wasn't.
It's fine, Winston. We can fix this.
Just help me mule this crank.
I'll prepare, you mule.
I can't mule crank. I don't have the system.
It's the perfect plan. I don't think it is.
Jess, do you know how much time we could get
for possessing this much meth? Why'd you hide it from me?
I was trying to protect you. I should've been the first person you told!
I could've taken care of it, or something.
Now it just looks like we're hiding it. - I just...
I didn't... I didn't think there was anything you could do.
And-and why is that?
Because... I don't know!
Because you don't see me as a cop. None of you do.
I didn't... I didn't think you'd make it this far.
We always thought you'd change your mind.
I mean...
you say a prayer every time you get on a escalator.
Why risk it? - I just...
never really saw you as a... as a cop.
Sorry.
Oh, there it is.
Okay. Okay.
You know what? I know exactly what I have to do.
I'm gonna tell her it's mine. - What?! No. No.
Yes. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a cop.
There's no reason you should lose your job, too.
I once changed a sign that said "Happy Jewish New Year"
to "Happy Newish Jew Year."
Is that a hate crime? Stop talking, stop sweating.
What is wrong with you people?! Enough!
Sarge, I have something I need to tell you.
Wait! Sergeant!
My name is Jessica Day,
and this is my meth. - DORADO: What?!
Jess, No. I won't accept that. So...
The bathroom is covered in meth.
Meth that belongs to me.
And it may have intoxicated me
through the skin on my breasts.
But I assure you, no one here had
any prior knowledge of any of this.
Especially Winston.
And I don't want him to go down for my mistake.
You'd be lucky to have him as a cop.
Take me downtown to the all-lady fur factory.
Okay, cuff me.
Somebody bring me handcuffs. I'm guilty.
Is she cuffing me?
I can't see what's going on up there.
Do you feel anything?
Does meth make you feel, like, normal,
but, like... like your face feels, like, scratchy?
Oh, no, that's just the carpet on my face.
Here's the way this is gonna go down.
I'm gonna go in the bathroom, have a look around.
You will stay here.
You will not move,
you will not talk,
you will not think
unless they're thoughts about not moving.
Winston, I'm so sorry.
I ruined everything.
You would have been such a good cop.
You would have made someone really lucky
to have you as a partner.
I always imagined I'd have a partner named Robertson.
That would have been perfect. - Yeah.
"Robertson, you're on the edge!
You've gone too far!" - No, no, no.
See, the thing about me and Robertson is that we're tight.
You know, then I went ahead and slept with his wife.
Why would you do that? I don't know why...
I don't know why I would do that.
The job really gets to you.
You know, it's stressful out there.
This might not be the right moment but...
for what it's worth, I did it.
I kept a secret. SCHMIDT: Well, congratulations, Nick.
You have the willpower of a six-year-old.
Oh, thank you.
I'm sorry about the whole kissing thing.
Oh, you don't have to apologize.
I did... kiss you back a little.
So, should we tell Paul together?
Oh. - Well, what do you think he's doing right now?
Do you think he's explaining to the air-brusher
that that really is his name? Paul?
And that he wants that painted
across the back of his denim jacket?
It's a normal name.
(whispering): Hey, Nick?
When I'm in prison, write, dance, sing...
live your life.
And if you come and visit me in jail,
please don't wear that robe.
It's a kimono.
Well, this is a first.
These are aquarium rocks.
So, that's the street name for...
No. These are actual aquarium rocks.
You were trying to flush rocks down your toilet.
Oh, what?! - Oh.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
That's great! Yes! Awesome!
So we're not going to prison?
(Cece laughing)
So, did Winston pass the background check?
Of course. He's one of our best cadets.
His test scores are high, he's passionate, hardworking.
He's gonna make one hell of a cop.
But he won't work in narcotics.
You get to be a cop!
Yay!
(all chatting happily)
Congrat... congrat... Congratulate...
Really? No, we're celebrating Winston.
Celebrating Winston. Okay. All right, we'll celebrate Winston.
Oh. - Yeah.
Excuse me. Please consider moving.
I have no idea
why you live with these people.
What kind of person would urinate on an electrical socket?
I... I thought it would make lightning.
I told you that wouldn't work, Nick. - COACH: Hey!
Guess who's here like he normally is every Saturday!
It's Duquan!
Big brother Wimstons.
Oh.
I love you, Mr. Wimstons.
I go from no hope to hope.
He take me and he says to me, "You're gonna be somebody.
"You-You could be the presidents,
or Statues of Liberties."
Is that right? - We make homework togethers.
He buys me toys, and we chase each others,
and we laugh at the sun.
This feels good, man.
Yeah.
Like I got a new friend.
Me, too. - Duquan.
Right. - Hanging out.
It's Jose, so...
Yeah, I like Duquan, though.
Yeah, but my name's Jose.
Like outlet malls?
I love outlet malls. Ah, me, too, man.
Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome.
On the weekend, though? Mm.
Yeah, but I mean, I have a strategy, you know.
Like, I start out with a smoothie,
and then do my leg stores first.
Then, I... Yeah. - I do the same, but I end it with pretzel.
Pretzel. I... - Shut up.
Cinnamon pretzel? - Oh, my God.
Dude, don't, don't, don't. No, you don't.
No, you don't. You want to play a tickle game?