New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 5 - Landline - full transcript

(Phone rings)

- Hello?
- Hello, "Dog," it's Principal Foster.

Oh, hey. Did you just call me "Dog"?

You're Vice Principal now. We're peers.

- Oh.
- Good news... I have

a replacement for your science class.

It's about time, you old son of a bitch.

What?!

- Too casual?
- Uh, what?

- Hello?
- Sorry, what? You're breaking up.

- Hello?
- Dog?



- Hello? Sorry, hello?
- (Staticky): I can't hear you.

- Bad reception, sorry. Hold on.
- (Staticky): Breaking up...

I'm so sorry. They're building
a new building next door

and I have terrible reception.

Hey, no more phone
calls! Get out of my room!

It's the only place I
can get a signal, dude...

- You know that.
- Out!

- Look at the stick... Is it red or blue?
- Uh, yeah...

- Well, sir, I...
- Get out of my room.

- Hello? Hello? Hello
- Hello? Hello... Stop.

- Is it red or blue?
- Hey, ow, Schmidt!

- The Scarf has been backordered a month.
- Wait, hello?

- Meanwhile the hat is just sitting here.
- Yeah, hello.

- This is not a business center.
- Hello?



- Get out of my room.
- Hello? Hello?

- It's my man time.
- Mama?

- Mama, unplug it, okay?
- Schmidt: Hello? Hello.

If you unplug it, it
cannot electrocute you.

- It's blue? Oh, yes!
- Mr. Foster...

- No, I don't want blue. With a bisque hat?
- Hello, Dog. Dog?

- I'll look insane!
- Why do you have an electric guitar?

- Aah!
- Hello?

This phone situation
has me really jazzed up!

Excuse my language.

Now, I'm gonna propose something.

Something insane.

Now you just all have to stay calm

and trust me.

Fascinating.

- Where do you put your music?
- Why is there a rope?

- (Phone rings)
- (Gasps) It's ringing.

- Whoa, that's cool.
- Just like the movies.

We should answer it with,
like, really funny voices.

- Yeah.
- We don't know who it is.

- It could be anybody.
- Could be Tanya from sixth grade.

- Yeah.
- (Stops ringing)

Oh... oh.

Next time it rings, we should answer it.

- ♪ Who's that girl? ♪
- ♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

- ♪ Who's that girl? ♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪

Just can't stop looking at this thing.

Man, I used to be so great
at talking on the phone, man.

You know, something about the cord

and the handset that just
really set me at ease.

- You were weirdly smooth.
- If you slow dance with Nick,

I'll hold hands with Amy.

Just make sure she cut
her fingernails, though.

Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.

- I'm just being stupid.
- Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.

It was going great, by the way.

If this isn't sexy, I
don't know what the heck is.

Something just came over him.

- He was amazing.
- I'm just excited to add a third number:

Home, work and cell.

Damn, I'm reachable.

I'm definitely gonna mention that in
my profile in Business, Man! Magazine.

- Businessman Magazine?
- No, no, no.

Check that out: Business, Man! Magazine.

I've gotten a lot of heat from
working on the sponge account.

I'm telling you, this is
the first step in my quest

- to becoming a millionaire.
- Well, I think that's a weird plan,

but let's drink to it... Who's in?

No, come on, I got to
study for my interview.

Oh, I would, man, but I got a
lot of police stuff to study.

You know, like, roads, laws, bullets...

Be really nice if you guys spent some time

and studied your friend
Nick. Pop quiz, hotshots.

- I miss you guys.
- I don't understand

what you're saying, man.
Are you asking me a question?

For real, though, I miss you.

So we would just sit
around and drink all day?

Aw, forget it, man! I'm storming off.

(Phone rings)

Oh!

Good morning, Vice Principal Day speaking.

What...? Calm down!

What?! Coach?!

(Whispering): Coach...

Are you sleeping with the school nurse?

Jess, are you crazy?

Of course I'm sleeping
with the school nurse.

- What?
- Mazel tov.

- My man. Much respect.
- Look at you getting up in there.

- Yeah. Living the dream.
- Great.

- That's really hot, dude.
- That's really great. For me.

We have to fill out a form
declaring our relationship?

Yes, it's a legal thing.

We're just covering our asses.

While you uncover yours.

Sorry, that was an unfortunate joke.

(Nervous laugh)

Um, anyway, uh, how did this start?

Uh, fine. A couple of
weeks ago I got a cut.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I went to the nurse.

- Okay.
- And when I saw her, I was like, "damn."

And I was, like, "you frickin' got a cut."

And I was like, "you
frickin' better fix it."

And she was like, "no. Cuts are gross."

- Yeah.
- And then we had sex.

Yeah.

That's disturbing

on so many levels.

Um, I'm sorry, but your outfit

looks like you got it at a Halloween store.

Thank you. Coach got it for me.

- It's a child's medium.
- (Giggles)

What'd you put for "nature of
relationship"... "Girlfriend"?

Well, that's what I actually
wanted to talk to you about.

- 'Cause, uh, we hadn't...
- Question mark?

Um, it didn't feel like
a question mark when

you put a calamari on my
finger like an engagement ring.

That didn't seem like
a question mark to you?

Jess, someone's in my parking spot again.

- Not now, Rose.
- Hey, Ernie.

- Hey.
- Last night was really fun.

I found your swim trunks.

- They're ruined. Really fun.
- Ah, come on. Yeah?

I thought you ditched this bitch.

I will send your weave
right back to the loom!

- Oh, no, no. Excuse me?
- Guys...

- Oh, yeah!
- Ladies, stop.

- (Both arguing at once)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- See what you did?
- This is a different form.

- (Phone ringing)
- (Groans)

All right.

- (Ringing continues)
- Settle down, I'm coming.

Hello?

No, Schmidt's not here.

No one's here. I'm here by myself.

Because I work at night,
which means I'm probably

the one who should answer
the phone during the day.

Great, yeah, I'll tell him.

(Groans, sighs)

Great, she get a phone
so Nick can answer it.

- (Phone rings)
- (Sighs)

(Groans)

What? I'm busy.

Winston's not here.

Really?

Uh-huh. Okay, I'll pass it on.

Okay, you too.

My gentlemen, I'm glad you're home.

I got your messages.

All right, here you go.

- Wow. Are these alphabetized?
- Yeah, you're welcome.

I felt like a secretary.
It was pretty awesome.

Some auto body shop called, Schmidt...
Apparently you're getting a spoiler?

I'm not getting a sp...

I just wanted a quote. Yeah, I get a quote

just in case I do want to actually buy one.

And it's nice to have a price before

you get emotionally invested.
It's called predicting desires.

What I wish I would have said
is when I first said it...

"Spoiler alert."

I wish it... when I... I
wish I would have said, um,

"you're getting a spoiler.

- Spoiler alert."
- I don't think that would have helped.

I just... I'm just getting a quote,
okay? It's really none of your business.

Definitely noted. Thanks, my man.

For the... Winston, uh...

Who's this Gal Judy?

I've never heard of her. She called twice.

- Who is this woman?
- (Chuckles) She's nobody.

Doesn't sound like nobody.
Where'd you guys meet?

- At the driving range.
- The driving range?

- But you don't golf.
- Uh, I like to watch?

Winston, you go to the
driving range just to watch?

- Yeah.
- Very strange, very strange.

Let's get back to this Judy
character, because I am interested.

- You made love to her yet?
- I don't know.

Leave me alone, dude. Honestly, stop.

That's not even a big d... I don't
even like her that much, all right?

- Just, ugh. I'm probably gonna dump her.
- Do you want to talk about it?

Just kidding. I'm messing with you.

Are you guys having as much
fun as I'm having right now?

This landline has really brought
us together in a great way.

I miss this.

Hey, if I cooked up a whole
chicken, would you guys have some?

Those look like two
hungry faces... (Chuckles)

Wow. That was intrusive.

Winston, how do you not know
if you'd made love to someone?

I'm mad at you, Jess.

Why'd you put me on blast like that?

Because you shouldn't be sleeping
with other teachers, Coach,

let alone two.

Who are you, Blanche from Golden Girls?

Honestly, it took me a while to figure out

who I was in that
school, but I finally did.

- Who?
- I'm the guy who has sex with everyone.

Why can't you be the
guy who loves recycling?!

Everyone loves that guy. This is a school.

It's a sexy place, Jess.

Look at that CPR poster. It's hot as crap.

What the...?

Why aren't they wearing
shirts? Are they drinking wine?

Mm... That's it!

I'm gonna need to talk
to all these teachers.

You're just jealous because
you're not gettin' any.

(Indignant gasp)

When's the last time someone gave you CPR?

Well, I give it to myself
at least once a month...

- Oh!
- To refresh.

I'm talking about real CPR!

- Oh.
- Look, you work in a school.

You need to have boundaries.

You have to be a professional.

- Ah, Miss Day.
- Oh.

There's someone here I'd like you to meet.

- Oh!
- This is Ryan.

He's gonna be taking
over the science class.

Now, don't be alarmed,

but his voice is gonna sound kind of funny.

It's because he's British.

Say something to her.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

Ah. Oh, charming. Hi.

It's a... How do you do?

You must be, um... Mister...

- "Gos... Gosin-Yure."
- It's pronounced "Goes-In-You."

- Goes-In-Who?
- It "goes in you," Jess.

Goes in me. Goes in... Jess. What!?

I'm sorry, I'm gonna make a
note of how to pronounce it.

It's really nice to
meet you, Mr. Goes-In...

Ryan.

Coach: Hey, Jess, where you going? You
forgot to tell him about boundaries!

It's great having you
here, Mr. Goes-In-You.

Geauxinue. Yeah.
Goes-In-You, Goes-In-You.

No... goes in all of us.

- Yeah.
- Sooner or later.

(Phone buzzes) This is Schmidt.

Hey, it's Nick. Let me get Winston.

- Winnie the bish, you on?
- What is happening right now?

I'm just giving you
guys your midday update.

Schmidt, dry-cleaner company called.

- Your socks are ready.
- Schmidt: Oh, great.

Not quite sure why we need to
be on a conference call for this.

Not quite sure why you need
to dry-clean your socks,

you weirdo, but we'll get back to that.

Winston, Judy called again.

And so, I told her you weren't feeling it.

(Laughs) Now why would you do that?

You said you were gonna dump her.

It was a very difficult
conversation for you.

We all know how you are, so I
just handled it. You're welcome.

Hey, Nick, do I need to be
on for this? Can I get off?

Greta, great, great. You know what?
Now she's gonna do something crazy.

You know, this is a very emotional
woman we're dealing with, all right?

- That bitch a leo!
- Can I go now?

You should have thought of
that before you dumped her.

- I didn't! You did!
- Because that's what you wanted.

I don't know what I want!

Judy didn't know what you wanted, either!

Oh, and Schmidt, the magazine called.

And they need a picture. But
don't worry. I handled it.

- What do you mean, you handled it?
- I know you have a lot on your plate,

so don't worry...

I sent them the most recent picture I had.

- The most recent one?
- Winston: Did Judy sound...?

Winston, enough! Nick,
what, what do you mean by

"the most recent"? I don't...
I don't understand what that...

- The latest picture.
- It's the most accurate.

It's just good marketing. You
know that. Check your e-mail.

You'll be happy.

Did you check it? Is it loaded?

Oh, no, no, no!

And that's all I got. You guys good?

(Schmidt sighs)

Okay, I'll check back in five.

What? Five... Five what?
Nick? Five minutes?!

♪ I'm a very good secretary. ♪

(Phone buzzing) Hello.

- Yeah.
- Hello.

- Yeah...
- ♪ Hello. ♪

- Yo!
- Hello.

- Yo...
- Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

- Yo!
- What up? What up? What up?

- Winston!
- Hello.

I said... Winston I said "yo."

Wait. Who's this?

It's Schmidt! We got to
do something about Nick.

We're here to address the school policies

on interfaculty relations.

Some forms of touching, say,

a... a friendly handshake,

or a spirited pat, are
completely appropriate.

Man: What if you spill coffee on
your pants, and you're very burnt,

and upon getting your pants cut off
by paramedics, you become aroused?

I'm truly hoping that didn't happen.

What if you're in a situation
where you either have to um...

Grab a teacher's crotch,

or give narcotics to a student?

- That's a great question, man.
- Thanks, friend.

- Not a great question.
- And what if you...?

I'm done with you. If you
feel things getting sexual...

Just say, "shut it down!"

Followed by a sweeping gesture
with your hands, like such.

Everyone do it with me. Shut it down!

- No, thanks.
- It's kind of fun. Shut it down.

Shut it... Down.

Thank... Thank you, new guy.

- Yes, Coach.
- See, I'm more of a visual learner.

- (Laughing): Oh, yeah, you are.
- Do you think you could

maybe demonstrate that move in context?

- Really, Coach?
- I think we'd all like that.

It's kind of like a...

- Like a skit.
- What?! (Overlapping chatter)

- No idea.
- Visual learning.

- Like a skit.
- All: Visual learning.

- Show us! Do it!
- All: Visual learning!

Okay, Coach, do you want
to come up and help me?

How about the new guy?

British people love doing stuff, right?

No, I don't think...

- British guy... doing stuff!
- Woman: Yeah.

British guy doing stuff!

I'm telling you they
don't like to do things.

- Doing stuff! (All chanting)
- The British are coming!

- Okay, okay.
- Happy to help.

(Applause and cheering)

Mr... "Guzinya" and I will
now act out a sexual scenario.

It's
"Goes-In-You."

Yeah. I know.

- Okay, let's try it again.
- All right, all right.

- (Beep) Hello. You've reached the loft.
- Oh, my God!

- What?
- Too sexy!

- Sounds good to me.
- Are you out of your mind?

I'm on fire right now.

This is a home. We're
not selling lubricant.

Why aren't one of you doing this?

Because we couldn't decide which of
us to do it, and this way, it's fair.

Put nothing on it. Flat as can be.

All right, here we go. Flat as can be.

- Just say the words.
- (Beep)

- (Flatly): Hello. You've reached the loft.
- Oh, my God!

Will you not stop until
the whole world is aroused?!

- Cece: Okay.
- Hey.

- Nick, my man, looking good.
- There he is.

- New set of PJs?
- I know what you're doing.

You're blowing hot air up
in between my butt cheeks.

And I'm no idiot. I know
I was let go 'cause of

the dang old machine. Story as old as time.

A new piece of technology comes around,

and all the peasants freak out.

But one prince knows what's going on,

and he says:"Don't trust the technology!"

And all you peasants trust it,

and then the machine becomes self-aware

and destroys you all.

And then, I become the
loneliest prince of all,

laughing in my golden tower.

- (Laughs)
- Isn't that a movie?

- Maybe I stole that from war games, yeah.
- Short Circuit.

- No, it isn't.
- Man, you know

what's a good movie? Splash.

- I don't know what is happening.
- (Phone ringing)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Let's see what she can do.
- (Beep)

Cece (Flatly): Hello.
You've reached the loft.

Schmidt: Oh, my God. Will you not
stop until the whole world is aro...?

(Beep)

Woman: Hey, this message is for Nick.

You responded to my ad about
a custom secretary headset.

- Please give me a call back.
- (Beep)

How do they know my name?
It's a stinking old prank.

I don't even care.

I got a lot going on today, so...

Are you just eating a bowl of jelly?

- What does it look like?
- It looks like a bowl of jelly.

It's a bowl of jelly, yeah.

Okay, so say I'm in the library

and I feel Mr. G.'S hands on my shoulders.

I'm not interested.

So what do I do?

I say, "shut it down."

Does that make things more clear for you?

I feel like it needs to be a little
more real, you know what I mean?

I feel like if he were to touch
her, that would help, am I right?

- (Others agreeing)
- Am I crazy for thinking that? No, right?

Yeah. Just...

It'll be more helpful if he were
to touch her. Just touch her, man.

- I don't think so.
- Yeah, he should touch her. Touch her!

- Get in there! Touch her.
- Okay, fine. Um...

So I'm in the library
and, uh, Ryan approaches...

Hello. You look tense.

- (Oohing)
- With that accent.

Oh!

- (Everyone murmuring sensually)
- Mmm...

Sha, na, na.

Mmm... Day-o.

A little lower. Right in the wolf patch.

- (Puzzled murmuring) Huh? What?
- Should I shut it down?

What? Yes. Yes!

- Shut it down!
- (All gasping)

- I touched your... I... that was...
- That's fine. It's-it's cool.

Nice to meet you, too. (Laughter)

That was an accident. And when
an accident happens, shut it down.

(Cheering, laughter)

- I did it again.
- That's what I'm talking about!

I think we need to fill out some forms.

Why won't these messages play, Winston?

- The machine's on the Fritz.
- Just don't tell Nick.

The magazine was supposed to call
today and set up my interview.

I'm as mad as a dad in traffic!

You probably burnt it
out. I mean, you listened

to Cece's message 100 times.

I know. Then I touched my peen.

(Scatting cheerily)

There he is.

All right, Nick, hey,
uh, you were home today.

Did anybody leave any messages
about my interview for tomorrow?

I don't know. Why don't you ask the
machine? Isn't that what you wanted?

(Chuckles) Uh, the machine's not working.

Isn't that funny? I feel
like I'm working perfectly.

I'm gonna go take this machine
back to 1993 and exchange it.

Knock, knock.

- Who's there?
- The magazine. They called.

They left a message. They
want to do the interview today.

Why didn't you say anything?

That thing is super important to him.

You know how much this
interview meant to him.

Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah.

First you break up with Judy and now this?

Why are you so obsessed
with answering the phone?

Man.

We're just peeling the onion all
the way to the middle, aren't we?

What's going on?

Just because I miss you guys.

And I didn't know what was
going on with your lives

and now I do, and it-it made
me feel connected to you.

I'm not gonna lie to you, man, that got me.

(Phone rings)

Hello? This is Nick.

No, I'm sorry. Schmidt isn't here.

No, he didn't... Pl... H...
Can you hold on one second?

(Quietly): It's the magazine.

- They want to cancel the interview.
- What?

They want to do it right now or not at all.

Yeah, this is Nick again.
No, he-he did... He might...

Hold on one second. I hear something.
That might be him. Please hold.

- (Quietly): You've got to talk to 'em.
- Why do I have to talk?

Because even though you're the
most awkward person I've ever met,

you're magic on the phone and you know it.

- You know, I put those days behind me...
- Schmidt's right here. Hold one sec.

(Quietly): You have to do it. For Schmidt.

I need a soda, I need a straw

and I need to get horizontal,
so get out of my way.

(Grunts)

(Exhales deeply)

Yeah, this is Schmidt. What up?

I read. The last book I read.
Good question, good question.

Uh, some biography with, uh, Carson
Daly. The one with the red cover.

Yes, that Carson Daly Joint.

You know, I respect that dude.

Yeah, he's just like me. He's always on.

There's not a lot of good
white role models out there,

and I say that as a white man.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah,
you got it, Business, Man!

Is that the magazine?
What are you boobs do...

- What are you. Winston, get off the phone.
- Stop, stop, stop. Stop.

Shh!

Trust us.

What does marketing mean to Schmidt?

This was the spoiler.
What did it say? Uh...

- Predicting desires.
- Predicting desires.

Well, to me, it's all
about predicting desires

and finding buyers, you feel me? (Chuckles)

- He's really good on the phone.
- Did you know that my name was an acronym?

Uh-huh. Schmidt:

Some can have money,

I desire thoughtfulness.

(Winston laughs)

Schmidt don't quit!

Hey, Coach.

- Hey.
- I just came in here to say I'm sorry.

Sometimes it's...

Hard to control your feelings.

Which I demonstrated by...

Grabbing a man's "Dujeels" in
front of the entire faculty.

Well, I'm sorry for putting you in a
position to grab that man's "Dujeels."

I don't like saying "Dujeels." It's weird.

I call mine my Sam Jackson
'cause he's in everything.

I just don't know how to face Ryan
again. I was so unprofessional.

Jess, you're the Vice Principal,
and you're a great Vice Principal.

Doesn't mean you're not a human being.

Thanks.

Oh... And you'll be happy to
know I've repealed the policy.

- Oh.
- (Gasps) You have?

That's frickin' awesome.

- Ruth.
- Hi. It's hot under there.

Happy to know you two
have patched things up.

- Yeah, we have.
- Oh, they've been patched.

- (Both laughing)
- Two times.

I see your hand moving, and I...
Wish you'd wait till I left the room.

Ruth: My bad.

Hey. (Chuckles)

Hi.

Hi. Sorry. Um, my hands are...

Staying behind my back, don't worry.

I won't even look at it.

I mean, I-I looked at it just
'cause I said it, but I...

- (Chuckles)
- Uh... hmm, yeah.

I was gonna ask you...

Foster: Vice Principal? A moment, please?

- I'm so sorry.
- Don't be sorry.

- Um, my boss.
- Good seeing you.

- I'll, uh, see you around.
- I hope so.

Principal Foster, I am so
sorry. I went overboard.

- First off, it's "Dog."
- Dog.

Secondly, do not apologize.

I have tried to corral
these animals myself.

- It's impossible.
- Word.

These teachers are straight-up ho's, Dog.

Sometimes you just got to
let people follow their urges.

Yes.

- I completely agree.
- It's too bad we can't.

- We can't?
- Absolutely not. We're administrators, B.

This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Two administrators? Perfectly fine.

But, unfortunately, as
I've repeatedly told you,

- I'm not attracted to you.
- Right.

- You like asians.
- So... Exactly.

- So that's off the table.
- Yeah.

So, do us both a favor...

Lock up that lobster.

(Sighs)

Schmidt: I still can't believe it.
Look at that. "Bringing nasty back."

Nick: "The bad boy of marketing."

- That is cool.
- So great for my brand.

I mean, I always knew I was a
bad boy, but now it's in print

- and it's official.
- Don't call yourself a bad boy.

- Am I a bad boy?
- You're not a bad boy.

♪ He was born a pauper ♪

Woman: Winston!

- ♪ On a Christmas day... ♪
- Damn it, Nick.

Winston!

Winston!

Yep.

It's Judy.

Hey, it's Nick! We talked on the phone!

'Sup?

Thanks, Nick.

Judy: Winston!