New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 13 - Coming Out - full transcript

What in the hell is
around your neck?

This? It's a
crystal charm, man.

Yeah, the guys at
work gave it to me.

Why?
- Technically,
it's "hazing,"

but, uh, I
secretly love it.

That is the kind of crystal
that should only rest

between a set
of old bosoms.

(yawps)

Did that sound just
come from your body?
- (yawps)

Hey!
- Ha!

Whoa, how long
you two been here?



When was the last time
you asked me that?
Last Thursday.

So, at least Thursday.

What kind of lazy...
(yawps) holes...

Don't you know what
(yawps)-ing day it is?

For crying out
l... (yawps)

Glen, you should
see a doctor.

My name is Schmidt.

I can't afford
to miss work.

I'm sorry, Glen,
but I'm with Kai on this one.

Thanks, Wilfred.

You ain't good with names.

Oh, honey, you're
all turned around.

No, you are.
- I think you are.

(giggles)
Stop.
- I think you are.
I'm gonna get you...



I've done some research.
Oh, ooh, how about
a head's up, man?

Have I seen
those glasses before?

I feel like I want
to remember them.

I got these in seventh grade,
and I love them.

Stop asking questions.

All right,
check it.

So nerd Coach went
to the library,

and some place
that actually exists

called the Hall of Documents.

The downtown branch?
- Mm-hmm.

How's Kathleen's eye?
Oh, Kathleen's dead.

What?
- Yeah.

So, check it out, guys,
this is all research.

You two don't have to date
in secret anymore at school.

Yeah, it's all here in
the Lipinski v.

Platte County
Unified School District.

Precedence for days!

Wow. Wow, you did this for us.
No.

I just want to pat it.

I just want to, like,
frickin' pat it.

I want to nurse it.

Yeah, I want to provide it

with milk.
- Huh.

I used to be
the hot teacher.

Now you know how I felt
when you turned up.

A miserable path
awaits you.

So you want us
to come out,

so that you can go back
to hooking up

with all the hot teachers?

Very much so.

But I'm thinking
about you guys, too.

I mean, wouldn't it be better

if you didn't have to hide
your relationship?

Yeah, you know what?

I think
we should do this.

I... we should do this,
let's stop hiding.

Yeah.

But, Jess, will this make
things tricky for your work

and will it in turn make you
distracted and preoccupied

during our
splishy-splashy?
Ugh.

No, no, of course not.
I won't let it.

Then let's do this.

Yeah, let's.

Yes! We are coming out!

Cracking. I'm chuffed.

Dude, I do not get you.

I trust you, Miss Day.

Mostly because
I do not want to read this.

That's great!
- (laughs)
Well,

Yay!
- I'm the easy
one, dawg.

Seriously, it's the teachers
you need to worry about.

Especially you.

You tend to care
what people think about you.

(chuckles) That's like saying
a penguin "tends" to be cute.

It's all it does, bro.

(chuckles)
- So, good luck

when the teachers present
their field trip proposals.

If they catch a whiff
of favoritism,

they are going
to tear you apart like...

like a beautiful baguette,
you know what I mean?

When you-you're
having dinner,

and you just suddenly say,
"Hey, forget the bread knife.

Let's just rip into this
with our bare hands."

Ah, I love that.

Hey, what'd they say?
What do you got?

You can tell me,
I can take it.

I-I don't know
if I can take it if...

If you died, I'd be lost.

J-Just tell me, I'll be there
for you, I'm big and strong.

Is it cancer?
What's your problem?

Oh, Schmidty,
you have cancer?

I can't watch you go

through cancer, buddy,
you're not strong enough.

What is wrong with you?!

Your friend
keeps forgetting

his ulcer medication.

Ulcer medication?

He's lying, please.

Take him home, make sure
he does nothing all day.

Look, I'm not doing
nothing all day.

Can't take
days off wor...

My firm is wooing red potatoes,
and I want that account.

Don't listen to that
aggressive male nurse.

Wearing the same shoes
as an old Russian woman.

It's not an ulcer,
he's ly... (yawps)

Yeah, that's your ulcer telling
you to stop being a dick.

(groans)

Before we begin
our presentations,

in the spirit of full disclosure
and transparency,

I have something to tell you.

Mr. Geauxinue and I are dating.

No, n-n-n-no.
- (laughs)

No, I just felt someone
pass over my grave.
- Right.

I don't see a ring.

This is a total joke.

Oh, you're joking.

There's none scenarios
that this is possible.

COACH: Ladies, I
know you're upset,

but you know what I do
when I'm upset?

I hook up with me.

But I want to assure you

that this will not affect
my judgment as vice principal.

Let's hear
those field trip proposals!

Where are we gonna
take those kids, guys?!

And you know what makes
the water delicious?

Taking the poop out.

Hello, water treatment plant.

Okay, we're off
to a rocky start.

They've got frickin' mini-golf.

They've got frickin' Skee-Ball.

They've got frickin'
bumper boats.

They've got frickin' go-carts.

Is this you topless
in the brochure?

It is, thank you.

Take a trip
to historical Coach-town.

Lunch will be provided.

I don't eat yesterday's bread.

Yes, you do.

Is there a field trip
in here somewhere?

I want to take the children

on an interactive
nature "experience."

Very hands-on.

With, uh,

"foll-ahge..."

"foil-iag-ee..."

Not bad.
Um, I'd be a lot more into it

if you could pronounce
"foliage."

I messed it up!

I can't do anything!

So I've arranged
for our students to speak

to astronauts
at the space station,

uh, via Russian translator.

And, as an added
surprise,

actually get to operate
the Mars rover.

You see, this is

"Mission to Mars:
Field Trip to Another World."

JESS:
Okay, then.

(toy engine revs)

Well, you all had
great presentations,

but I'm sure no one can
accuse me of favoritism

when I choose Mr. G's proposal,

which was so, so, so clearly
the best one.

(booing)
RUTH: What does space have?

You can't even walk
on the ground.

You obviously picked it because
he's your frickin' boyfriend.

Well...
BIOLOGY TEACHER:
I see how it is.

My butt isn't cute enough.
Should I call my ma

and blame her for passing
on her wide flat ass?

(imitates dialing phone)

Hello, Ma?

I'm not calling about that.

Just listen.

I said, just listen.

It's about my butt.

Should I continue?

I'm gonna say no.

You won't frickin'
get away with this.

Eat glass and die, you tramp!

Mrs. Raws!

Hey, uh, you're not
going to work.
- What are you
talking...?

You're not
going to work.
- Yes, I'm going
to work!

Sit down! Sit down!

Of course
I'm going to work.

Gina needs me.

Besides, I like my stomach
like I like my suits--

no lining.

Here, take your
bottoms off,

put these
sweatpants on.

You take your bottoms off, sir!
Why don't you take
your slacks off,

so I can put some sweatpants on?
Now take your bottoms off.

I'm not gonna sit
around here all day

like an off-duty
ice cream truck driver!

I confiscated three laptops,
two tablets and an e-reader.

Oh, and this satellite phone
with a condom taped to it.

My earthquake kit?

Hey, look, for
starters, Schmidt,

you're sitting up
way too straight.

I feel like
I'm sitting just fine.

Take a deep breath.

Inhale it all the way in.

Now...

(whispers):
let it go.

(exhales)

Now let go.
- (exhales)

Now let go.

I... I am letting go.

You're like a clenched fist,
my man. Open up.

You're in a 1920s
boxing stance.

This is a waste of time!
You're not going to work!

I have a
hyperactive nephew!

We have to
swaddle him!

Swaddle nothing! What?

What are you doing?!
Swaddle him! Get him!

Got to get to work!

Shh. Shh.

Shh. You relaxed?

Yeah.

Okay, ready?

You're gonna lay down.

All right, just
for a minute.

♪ Good night, Schmidty. ♪

(sighs)

(whispers):
Now do me.
- Okay.

(quiet chatter)

Hey, what's up, girl?

Hey, uh...

remember when we used to
do it and it was dope?

Nah.
- Nah?
What you talk...?

You still like Ryan?
- Well...

It's just the accent.
That's the only thing you...

You like the accent?
I can do an accent.

(Cockney accent):
I can do an accent.

You like when
I do this accent, eh?

You like when I do the accent?

Not at all.

My dad makes cheese.

He just made me realize
that I want guys

who have, like,
frickin' feelings and stuff.

(normal voice):
Yeah, well...

But the boy looks like
he was raised in a muffin.

Oh. Hey.

I've been holding
office hours all year,

and this is the first time
anyone's taken me up on it.

Ryan took you up on it,
didn't he?

(teachers gasp, laugh)

This is gonna be fine

and, um, I'm going to address

all of your problems
one by one.

It just ain't right.
- Okay.

"Ain't... right."

Anything else?

It's not okay.

"Not... okay."

What else?

I'm not all right with it.

And when you lent me
that sweater last week,

was I supposed to, like...
Ruth!

It's unscrupulous, Ms. Day.

If you two are coming out,
we are, too.

Meet my boyfriend.

So you like... teachers?

I'd do whatever it takes

to get my foliage trip
off the ground.

And now I know

how things work
around here.

You're not even my type,
just so you know.

♪ Ba-da-da... ♪

Don't do that.

I'd be way more into this

if you had, like,
a classic Latin build.

Okay, stop. Stop!

'Cause I'm a ginger?

Just get out.

(teachers murmuring)

Ms. Day!

(teachers clamoring)

Okay!

I changed my mind.

We're gonna look at foliage.

Now, will that make you people
go back to your jobs?

Yeah.
- (murmuring agreement)

I won something.
I won something.

Hey.

What's going on?

Everybody was just so mad at me.

I feel terrible.

This is my fault.

Jess, maybe I should
look for another job.

No! No!
Absolutely not.

No, look, I have everything
under control.

I am 100% confident

that I'm making
the right decision.

WINSTON: You got girl troubles,
get a crystal.

Look, I'm telling
you, Coach,

women have been
checking me out all day.

From the gentleman
across the bar.

This is my favorite drink.

How did he...?

Something powerful
told me it was.

Now, they gave me this crystal
to help me on the streets,

but I'm starting to think

it's gonna help me
in the sheets.

Winston, look at me.
- Mm-hmm.

And I have never
been more serious

about anything in my life.

Okay.
- Stop rhyming.

All the timing?

I don't need a crystal,

I just need to be
more frickin' sensitive,

so stop trying
to give me your crystal!

Okay. I'm not supposed
to be yelling.

That's what I'm...

I need to be working...
I need to work on that.

I'm telling
you, man,

this crystal
gives you the courage

to do the one thing
that you're scared of the most.

To me, it's country music
line dancing.

Well, that is terrifying.

Don't do that.

You guys seen Schmidt?

What the hell?

My word processor?

You can't Kathy Bates me
forever!

My work needs me.
Gina needs me.

I'm sorry, but she's
trying to kill you,

and I'm trying everything
in my power to stop her.

No, you're trying
to turn me into you.

Aren't you bored, Nick?

I've been doing nothing
for exactly one day,

and I already feel pathetic.

The Nick that I met

in college would not be happy
living like this.

You've changed.
That's not true.

I've always been lazy.

Physically, yes.

But mentally, you used to be
like a da Vinci in tie-dye.

(clears throat)

Well, I'll be.

Think differently.

The beer teat!

Awesome, bro.
- Ha!

Party!

Well, you changed, too.

You used to live
by your own rules.

You were like a fat,
Jewish Dennis Rodman.

But look at you now.

You're like the back of a horse
in a two-person horse costume

with Gina just farting
in your face all day long.

That actually happened.

What?!

Schmidt, tell me, what do you
get for all your hard work?

The sponge account.
Oh, great!

God willing, it'll get me
red potatoes, too.

Sexiest starch
since jasmine rice.

Great.

I hope your work
keeps making you walk around

with your guts
in a rusty old wagon.

(computer begins playing
'80s techno song)

Oh, hey, Nick.
You're up early.

Before noon.

Oh, wait,
is this Sleepwalk Nick?

Man, I love Sleepwalk Nick.

He always pays back the money
that Awake Nick borrows from me.

Of course I'm up!
I'm doing stuff.

I do stuff.
I clean.

I'm cooking right now.
I'm cooking breakfast.

Sun's up, Miller's up.
People say that.

Huh. Oh, hey, Coach.

You're dressed like Ryan.

What?
- (laughs)

No, you see, I-I...
I've had these clothes

for forever, I just don't
wear them when you're around.

You are dressed like Ryan!
Are you around me
all the time? No.

Dressing up like someone else
isn't going to work.

Unlike this crystal.
Shut up.

And I am never
taking this crystal off.

Well, I mean, except if
I'm making a tomato sauce

and the crystal keeps
dipping in the tomato sauce.

Then I'll take it off,
and that's just being practical.

I don't know too much
about crystal care, but,

oh, I intend to find out.

JESS:
See?

I made the right decision.

Kids need to be
in nature.

Emily Kopnik
saw a butterfly

and she said,
"Oh, my God,

country lice
can fly."
- Oh, cool.

Well, I'm sensitive and I care
about things like that.

You like leaves, Eddie?

No.

Me, too, buddy. Me, too.

So rake 'em

into a observational
mound-- or "a pile"--

and then we
transfer the piles

into one of these
special research bags

which you kids
can take home.

Hey.

What's happening here?

Here's another rake.

You're not just
having the kids, uh,

rake the leaves
and put them in a bag,

are you?
- What now?

I mean, uh,
what else do you have planned?

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm a biology professional.

(groans)

So, how's that phantom ulcer
treating you?

I sent you those Q4 reports...

Horrible burning!

Well, I'm glad you're back.

See? Look how glad I am.

Gina, let me run point
on red potatoes.

I've got three pitches

already ready to rock.

Here's a taste.

That's the first one.

That's the first pitch.
"Here's a taste."

It's just a picture
of a red potato,

and the tagline is:
"Here's a... here's a taste."

There's that New York
sense of humor again, Schmidt.

Come on, Gina. Give me
a shot at red potatoes.

No way, 'cause I need you.

You're the best sort of

mid-level employee
I've ever had.

You are the ass to my horse.

And I'm gonna
keep you right here,

right by my side,
where I can find you.

Forever.

Forever?

Yeah, speaking of,

might need you to suit up

for my son's birthday
this Saturday, so...

What are these?
Doesn't matter.

Keep your phone on, okay?

You know, sometimes
I think about life,

and it just makes me
want to cry.

Respond to my sharing, please.

You're putting on a real creepy,
murdery vibe today.

Just FYI.
- I'm not trying
to do that. I was...

Just, like, going
forward in your day,

you should know that.
Just trying to be,
like, feeling...

Hey, guys.
- Hi.

What's going on?

RUTH: I think they might
just be doing

frickin' yard work.
KIDS: ♪ I don't know ♪

♪ What I been told ♪

♪ I don't know
what I been told... ♪

COACH:
Whoa.

♪ Foster's butt is mighty old ♪

♪ Foster's butt
is mighty old... ♪

Oh, we are violating
every child labor law.

They're really
good singers.

Keep up the rhythm.
Mama won't be happy

till you clear the back forty.

Biology teacher?

Is this your house?

Did you bring
the kids here to work?

First of all,
my name is Lorenzo.

Secondly, yes.

But you're the one
who picked my trip,

so it's your fault.

BOY:
Can I have some water?

Okay, guys, stop working.
Don't listen to her.
Keep working.

You don't have to work.
I'm the vice principal.
Not technically at school,

so keep working.
Stop working!

Keep working!

(wasps buzzing)

(screams)

Oh! Oh!
- (gasping)

Wasps! Everybody stay calm!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
they're getting in my eyes.

Damn you bees!

Ah! They got me!

Ah, screw it.

Here comes me.

I sting, too, bees.

Bees don't bother me.

Seems like it was
a great field trip.

So sorry I missed it.

I feel like a bunch
of tiny people

are holding tiny
little lighters to my face.

(groans loudly)

Today was a complete
and total disaster,

from start to finish.

I've never failed so hard
at my job ever in my life.

Everyone's so mad at me,
but I was just trying

to make them happy.
Jess, you can't
make everyone happy.

COACH: You don't need
them to like you.

You just need them
to listen to you.

You're the boss.
- CECE:
Yeah.

I mean, if you were a man
dating someone at work,

do you think
that you would be worried

about what everyone else
was thinking?

COACH: You'd be, like,
in the conference room,

like, "Meeting adjourned.

Except for you, Sheila."

But that's not me.

I care what people think.
I always have.

Then your only option
is to go in and be yourself.

Just got to own it.

I think I'm a little scared.

Well, that's very
interesting. You see...

Have you been here
this whole time?
The entire time.

That is why

God... made crystals.

Why did he make that shirt?

Hey.

Hey, look, Nick,
I got to talk to you.
I got to talk to you.

You go first.
- You go first.

Okay, you know what?
You were right, Nick.

I am a corporate monkey.

I don't want
to be an old man

looking back
on a meager life of...

selling red potatoes
for the man.

I don't want to be a
lazy bum my whole life.

I want to be the kind of
bum that other bums look at

and say, "What's that
bum smiling about?"

I get that.

I just had an idea, Schmidt.

I just had an idea, too,
but I feel like it's stupid.

Yeah, I feel like mine's
stupid. Let's do it.
I'm gonna... I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
No, but I want to hear
what you have to say.

It's important to me-- 'cause
maybe it's the same thing,

maybe it's different.
It might be the same thing,
so maybe we should just say it.

You want to do the
classic on 11?
- Yeah, okay, great.

BOTH: One, two, three,
four, five, six,

seven, eight,
nine, ten, 11...

Let's work together again!
Let's work together again!

Yes! I knew it!
That was awesome!
That was it, man. That was it.

Back in business.

(laughs):
Yeah!

Let's start jamming ideas.

Turkey.

Robot. Turkey robot.
Just got it in one.

All right, let's
draw up a...
- I don't think we did.

Okay.
- Ready? Black.

Robot. Black robot.

Ooh, that's even
better, son.
- Boom.

Way to push
for number two.
- Let's... let's...

Exactly...
- Black robot.

The blackest
robot in town.

That robot's so black,
it's the blackest.

I feel like marketing's gonna
be a nightmare on that one.
- Okay.

I'm not good at marketing.
I'm good at ideas.

Let's stay away from robots.
- Okay.

Yeah? All right.
- Okay.

Robot robot.

I said let's stay away
from robots though,

and you just said ro...
- Okay.

Black turkey!
- Look, let's maybe
pick it up later.

Computers for babies.
We are back!

Hair that looks like a helmet.
Or vice versa--

helmet that looks like a hair
is actually pretty smart.

Oh, I'm really hot right now.

A water bottle
with the top cut off.

SCHMIDT:
That's a cup!
That is just a cup. Scratch it.

Ladies.
- (gasping)

Ooh... you got
bee'd up, dude.
- Yeah.

You look like a monster.
- Yeah.

I'm not even joking.

You look so ugly right now.
So ugly.

Look, I'm not some little
sensitive British guy, okay?

I am Coach.

But right now, I am
in so much pain

that I am losing my mind.

And I might never recover.

So say hello
to the new me,

who's basically a street lunatic
with a face made of fire!

They sting you
in your pants?

Yeah, they... they
stung my doodad.

I'm gonna get you
some lotion.

Ow.
BOTH:
Ooh!

JESS: Everyone, um,
before we begin this meeting,

I just want to say that...
yes, Ryan is my boyfriend.

And yes, I let it affect my job

because I care what you think
of me, and I always have.

But here's what you should know:

I love my job, and I love
this man right here.

Wow.

I've been waiting
for a moment to tell you that,

and I guess...

this is it.

This is perfect.

And, um, just for the
record, I love you, too.

This speech is wonderful,
so please keep going.

Oh, yeah. Um, and you can
come to me with any problems

or anything
you want to ask me,

but I'm gonna make some
decisions that you don't like,

and you're just gonna
have to deal with it.

So, uh, let's get back
to work, okay?

So is that the end
of the meeting, then?

Yep. Uh... yeah,
I got a little carried away

with the moment there.
(laughs)

(laughs)
- Anyway...

Put it on.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
- Put the crystal on.

And... there we go.

It's not gonna
do anything.

♪ Any man of mine ♪

♪ Better walk the line ♪

♪ Better show me
a teasin', squeezin' ♪

♪ Pleasin' kind of time ♪

♪ I need a man who knows ♪

♪ How the story goes ♪

♪ He's gotta be a
heartbeatin', fine-treatin' ♪

♪ Breathtakin',
earthquakin' kind... ♪

♪ Any man of mine. ♪