New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 14 - Swuit - full transcript

You know how a computer is this big.

What if a computer was...

this big?

The size of a man's hand.

And had a camera in it,

and you can take self pictures,

and it also had a phone.

So you can store the *

Kind of a good idea.

***

This makes me impatient.



And it makes me also so furious.

I need... 45 minutes away from you.

And then we can be best friends again.

Don't follow me out.

So, as you guys know, Schmidt
and I are business partners.

We've been working on an idea
we're very excited about.

We e-mailed our plans to a guy in China,

and the prototype is here.

And... we've got a pitch meeting set up

- with Lori Greiner.
- From QVC?

- That the one.
- That's right.

You know, Fawn and I were paired with her

in a charity golf tournament.

You know, they laughed at me
for playing the ladies' tees,



but it paid off.

She's a shark.

Ha! A shark golfing.

Now I'd buy that T-shirt.

Friends, imagine yourself in this scenario.

- You're at the local gymnasia.
- Oh...

You're schvitzing up a storm.

Suddenly, you get a text message.

There's an emergency wedding
down at the town hall.

But what'll I wear? I mean,
I'm sweating at the gym.

Huh, I don't know what's
going on. I love this.

Ladies and gentlemen,

- may I present to you...
- Game time.

- The Swuit!
- The Swuit!

Ugh.

The Swuit. The Swuit.

It's a suit made entirely
of sweat suit material.

- Well?
- This is it?

- What do you guys think?
- This looks like garbage. It looks like garbage.

- I don't think it looks like... relax.
- Nick, it looks like garb...

- It's embarrassing. Put it away.
- The bottoms aren't great, but the top...

Well, I like it.

I mean, I like you guys.

All right, I'm gonna go throw this out.

No, don't throw it away!

Why, you want to wear it?

No.

No, no, no, no.

No.

He said, "Do you want to wear it?"

No, I just...

I think... I was gonna put it

in the Goodwill bin at school.

As lining for the bottom.

- Get rid of it. It's a piece of crap.
- We're-we're screwed.

Guys, you're starting a business.

There are gonna be some setbacks.

We don't have enough time, okay?

I'm running out of vacation days,

and our pitch meeting with Lori is on Friday.

Friday?!

You never told me Friday. He never told...

- Guys...
- I told you a hundred times it was on Friday.

That sounds like it could be right, yeah.

Could be Friday. Yeah.

Now we need another good idea in four days.

Ah, I can't work under pressure like this.

You know that I get nervous.

I am just a man. I am not a god.

Uh, I think we're all aware of that.

Why you talking like that?

Like what?

Well, we're all aware of that.

Guys, stop fighting!

You're upsetting Winston.

It's so early.

You made me swallow my night guard.

Oh, please, it's a paperclip
with gum wrapped around it.

We're in a crunch.

Good morning!

Made you guys some brain food.

Ah, thank you.

I'm supposed to hang out with Kai later

and do nothing. This'll help.

No time. The pitch is on Friday.

I'm gonna need one good idea

every 20 seconds.

Ugh.

- Oh, you're gonna time me now?
- Yes.

It'll help you concentrate.

It's too beepy-boppy.

Well, it's brain music.

Go.

Look away.

This is exciting.

I feel like I'm in the garage at Cupertino.

This sounds like the video in middle school

that taught me about periods.

And time!

All right.

Let's see what you got.

"I am the Karduthian
champion of... of dance."

"Beer bread."

Beard bread.

Bread that is in your beard.

That's an... that's an invention?

Or is that just something
that happens to you?

You think Hewlett had
to put up with this crap

from Packard? Again.

Oh, now I'm Packard? Enough!

You can't come up with a good
idea being all loosey-goosey.

Why don't you tell that to Howard Hughes,

the inventor of the Loose Goose?

That was the Spruce
Goose, and it didn't work!

It did work!

It flew for over a mile
at an altitude of 72 feet!

How on Earth do you know that information

and not know the name of it?

I don't want to stick my
nose in someone else's rose,

but what I'm hearing

is two very passionate partners

with two totally different approaches.

- You hit the nail right on the head!
- That is a correct assessment

- of what is going on right now.
- And thank you for breakfast!

I'm gonna shove this bacon right in my mouth

and savor it for life.

That omelette was so delicious!

You know what, you guys are
saying really nice things to me,

but you're both shouting...

Such a delicious omelette!

The presentation's fantastic!

One of the most delicious
things I've ever had.

You've outdone yourself.

Definitely appreciated!

- Don't follow me.
- Don't follow me!

All they care about is who's the boss.

Of course that's all they care about, Jess.

It's a guy thing. It's in our DNA.

Look, Nick's not gonna let
Schmidt boss him around,

and vice versa.

Don't get me started on
the male power dynamic.

I will talk your ear off.

They're being such dudes right now.

It's, like, all about

who's got the bigger you-know-what.

Oh, I do know what.

Yeah. Yeah.

What can we do to make them collaborate?

You can eliminate their you-know-whats.

That was a joke.

You want to hang out tonight
and have ninja turtle sex?

What's ninja turtle sex?

Sex with backpacks on.

: Oh, sex with backpacks on!

Yes, I would love to, but I can't.

I got to do some work, or Schmidt will put me

in the "Think Harder" box,

which is basically just a refrigerator box

that he hits with a baseball bat.

Gets me to think harder.

Talk later?

- Yeah.
- Great.

I really hope that you
enjoyed your service today,

and please come back...

Okay.

Thanks a lot, big spender.

You should probably show some clavicle.

No. I need bigger tips.

They're raising my college tuition,

and if I don't come up
with the money by Friday,

I got to drop out.

So I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Wow, Cece, look.

I mean, we're your friends.

If you want, I can give you money.

You can give her money.

I ain't giving her a damn thing...

I think what Coach is trying to say

is that he will also give you money.

Look, that's very sweet,

but the last thing I want is charity, okay?

And don't tell Jess, because she just

goes nuts anytime she thinks I need money.

So I don't think I can afford to
go home for my aunt's birthday.

You need money? I'm selling my hair!

Oh! Hi. Hello!

You're a handsome fella.

Can I interest you in a drink or...

Oh, you suck!

We got to do something.

Winston, for the first time in my life,

I'm not 100% broke,

and you want me to give my money away?

No, sir.

She said she didn't want charity.

I ain't giving it to her.

Oh, crap.

Am I stuck doing another
thing with you again?

It's a classic Winston and Coach mess-around!

All right. But don't say that.

What if I put your name first?

Let me hear it.

It's a classic

Coach and Winston mess-around.

- Regardless, I don't like it.
- Oh, okay.

Hey, Schmidt.

So I noticed you're having
trouble working with Nick.

Well, you know what, he's got a real head

- full of dog dirt.
- Mm.

So I noticed you're having
trouble working with Schmidt.

He's a bossy old tuna.

Well, we both know you are the boss.

Thank you.

- But we both know he's not the boss.
- Exactly.

Maybe you could back off a little,

since Nick's been having, you know,

man problems.

"Man problems"?

Man problems.

Huh.

Are we talking clog or leak?

He's got the wet Tuesdays?

You think it's 'cause of
his tight denim pants?

Did the squirrels get to the tulip bulbs?

Mm-hmm.

And that's why you have to make him feel

like he's the boss right now.

Yeah, of course. It's the
least that I could do.

Well, I had no idea
Schmidt had a cranky dank.

So, yeah, I'll let him be the boss.

I'm amazing. What?

- I'm amazing.
- What?

What? Huh?

What? Hmm?

Hmm, this is a bit of an unprecedented group,

the three of us.

This isn't a social call, young lady.

- Oh.
- This is strictly business.

Here's the deal.

You need money for college.

No. No, okay?

- I am not a charity case.
- This isn't charity.

- No. No, we've gone through this.
- This is an investment.

Nick and Schmidt are looking for investors,

so we thought it would be fun
if we got into investing, too.

You're smart, you're driven.

We are confident in a very robust ROI.

ROI means "Return On Investment."

- I know what it stands for.
- I've been reading a lot

of Schmidt's investment books in the toilet.

Life hack: the toilet paper makes for

a very, very handy bookmark.

Life hack: read your phone on
the toilet like everybody else.

- Ooh.
- The answer is gonna be no, all right?

Because when you borrow money from friends,

things get weird...

N-N-No, do not mistake this

for friendship, young lady, all right?

As far as I'm concerned, you're
just a walking treasury bond.

Within three years of graduation,

you will pay us back in full,

plus ten percent of the principal.

I really don't want to do this. At all.

But...

There's always a "but," huh?

But I don't really have any other choice.

- Yes!
- You were right, man.

So I guess we're in business, boys.

Yes.

We wrote the check out to Cece.

We do not know your full name.

- This is looking really good.
- It's absolutely stunning.

This is... this is your
vision from start to finish.

I might be the seed, but you're the farmer.

Hey, you two look like
you're really getting along.

Yeah, well, you know what,
who wouldn't get along

with this brave, masculine, healthy cowboy?

What you got there?

It's a camera attachment.

That keeps the attention of your dog

while you're taking its picture.

- Oh.
- Schmidt came up with a great title for it.

It's called "Perfect Pet Pic."

This is just a prototype that
dumb-old me came up with.

If he put it together, it'd be a
lot better, I promise you that.

Now, of course, could-could
you just hold some pet food

in your other hand? Sure.

But this is a lifestyle product.

That's actually really impressive.

I think Lori's gonna like that.

You know, I had a vision of what
this product would look like.

And you carried it out and
exceeded my expectations

in a way that... I don't know.

It-it's touching.

Sometimes I feel like you're my arms.

I'm really proud of the way
that you're handling this.

I'm proud of the way
that you've handled this.

What have I handled?

Y-Your man problems.

No, honey, you're the one
with the man problems.

I don't have the man problems.
I'm being so nice to you

because you're the one
who has the man problems.

No, no, no, sweetheart, I'm
only being nice to you 'cause

- you have man problems, and I feel sorry...
- No, you have man problems

and that's why I'm being
nice to you right now.

- Honey, honey, honey...
- What man problems did you think I had?

Something hangy.

Hang...? You think I had
something hanging off...

- What'd you think I had?!
- I don't want to get too graphic,

but I... I was picturing something gooey.

Gooey's not the worst... I've had gooey.

Oh, good God, what?

Simply ignore it.

Who told you about my man problems?

Who told you about my man...?

Look, the only reason why I did this

was to get you guys to stop
arguing about who's the boss...

Don't you be sorry! Jess,
you did nothing wrong!

You're nothing but an angel!

You tried to help us, which is a sweet move!

You tried to help a situation...

- You're yelling nice things at me again!
- which was at a boiling point.

- It's very confusing!
- This is his fault!

He's been bossing me around for ten years!

If I hadn't been bossing you around,

you would just be a
bartender with a lot of ideas

and the ambition of a dead person.

I will never let you boss me around again.

Not even if the lives of
100,000 children depended on it.

Fine, if-if... I take that part back.

If a bunch of kids' lives depended on it,

- I'd let you boss me around.
- You went way too far

- in that moment.
- Fine, but you understand my point.

If there were five kids whose life

- depended on it, I wouldn...
- Not even five kids.

- Okay, I... No kids, I don't... Pretend I...
- Just take the kids out.

I understand the point you're trying to make!

The company is dead! That's the point.

I'm going to that pitch meeting tomorrow

with Lori Greiner without you.

You know why? Because a boss
never breaks appointments.

You think I was born in the
middle of the afternoon?

You're gonna go into that
pitch and take all the credit?

Fine, go to that pitch together,
and then me and you, we're done.

- Fine, I'm done with you.
- Don't speak to me until bedtime.

If you think we're gonna have a
bedtime chat, you're out of your mind.

We'll lay in beds, and we'll
just over the day together

- like we usually do and that's it!
- No.

Fine, we'll do that for
a little bit. That's it.

That's it.

Here, take it. I don't even need it anymore.

Bedtime chat's gonna be so
short, you won't believe it.

- Oh, I'll believe it.
- You won't believe it.

Thought you might not show.

I drove you here, Nicholas.

Let's just get through this thing,

- and then we can be done with each other, okay?
- Okay.

And, by the way, stay out of my way in there.

I'm about to blow the roof off of this thing

with a little something I
like to call the "Seven S's."

I bet you don't have any more than four.

- Yeah? Watch me.
- Go ahead.

Strategy, sizzle, Schmidt,

- sex...
- Go on.

Stop interrupting me. I got... I got more.

Salesmanship.

Something.

Synergy.

- Boom. Nailed it.
- Damn it.

That's seven... How you like me now?

All right, that's really good,
but it's not gonna matter,

'cause the only thing that
matters is what I have.

A prototype.

So stay out of my way in there,

and let me just show her the prototype,

because that's all we need.

We don't need a prototype.

- Did you forget the prototype?
- No.

Did you forget the prototype?

No.

Did you forget the prototype?

Yeah.

Where'd you leave it, Nick?

I still believe in them though.

Part of me thinks that even though

they're mad at each other,
they'll get in there,

and they'll figure it out.

I don't think that's the case.

Why are you being so negative?

'Cause they left their stupid thing.

What?!

Oh, crap.

♪ I'm delivering a prototype ♪

♪ And drinking a big coffee... ♪

Oh, crap.

Nick, what is the matter with you?

Well, I wouldn't have forgot
it if you didn't bully me

to get out of the house an hour early!

- It was too fast! I needed time!
- You lay on the ground...!

You guys ready?

- Yeah.
- Yes, of course.

Absolutely.

I'm talking about postwar.

That's after the war.

Prewar would be something
different completely.

I was in London postwar, post-postwar,

in '77, and, uh...

I caught a few shows.

The flights were...

Well, I think I spent two...
maybe $250 to get to...

: Guess who? What are you doing here?

I'm just checking in on my investment.

Oh, my... Hey, check it out.

I'm a campus cutie.

- No, you are not.
- What are we learning?

Shh!

I am studying

Postwar British Art History.

- What?
- Post Br-British who? What's that?

That's just a bunch of words that mean

"Screw you, investors." What else you taking?

Intro to Afrikaans.

What else? Astronomy 101?

That's next semester.

Wow.

What you gonna do, Cece,

join the South African space program

and be the first woman

to put a David Hockney painting on the moon?

Who is David Hockney?

Excuse me, can I help you?

- No, no, we're okay, sorry.
- Yes, can you please, um,

tell my investment here We're okay, we're...

that she can't make any
money with art history.

That's not true.

Last year I made almost $22,000,

and my life is very hard.

You see that? You should be
studying to become a doctor.

They make good money, they get respect.

Paging Dr. Cece.

A doctor? We wouldn't see a penny

for at least 12 years.

Here's what you should be focused on, okay?

Something with a low risk,

high reward, and that thing...

Do not say hotel management.

- Hotel management.
- Oh, my gosh.

Look, man, it is a secure living

and it's great way to meet people.

Do you mind...

telling me where I might
find more information

on hotel management?

Uh, the dog, uh... the dog...

You put the food in the thing.

Uh, and then the dog sees it,

and, uh, the food's dangle-dang...

uh, it's dangling.

To, uh, do-do-do...

Dog...

Looks at dang-dang.

Tail wag-wag, uh, rev...

dog wagging the ta...

Um, whatever dog's name is.

Dog's name is Claire.

Claire come in.

- Who-who's Claire?
- Shh.

Uh, Claire sees dog food.

Pic, Facebook, like, like, like...

Sizzle... Pet Pic...

- strategy, sex, something.
- Strategy, sex, something.

- S-Something.
- Something.

This is the worst pitch I have ever seen.

: Sorry. Sorry to interrupt.

Gentlemen, your prototype.

Wait, what are you wearing?

This?

This is the Swuit!

It's a suit

made entirely

of sweat suit material.

It was invented by Nick and Schmidt,

and like them, it's the perfect combination.

That one over there,

he's all creativity and ideas.

Thoughts and notions.

And this one's all data and numbers.

Six.

He can just keep going.

The Swuit goes from day to
night and night to play.

Take my friend Nick here for example.

I mean, this is a man who would
wear sweatpants to his wedding.

- I now pronounce me comfortable.

- Look, Lori, you get it.
- Look, Lori, you get it.

- Lori, you get it.
- Do it together.

No one doesn't love the Swuit.

Don't settle for substitutes.

Swettle for swub-si-swuits.

No?

I've got to stop drinking on the golf course.

- To the Swuit!
- The Swuit!

Hey, how'd it go?

- She like the Perfect Pet Pic?
- Even better.

She hated the Swuit.

Yeah, she's got a similar product on QVC

called the Scruit.

It's a suit made of scrubs.

It was developed for prison weddings.

Yeah, paid us $10,000 to kill the Swuit.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

So, Nick, are you finally free to do nothing?

Not so fast there, lady.

Uh, old Schmidty-bangs and I

have to get working on our next idea.

That is, if you'll still have me, buddy.

Come on, man.

Of course I'll have you.

Look at me.

Look at me.

I was looking at you the whole
time. Don't say anything.

When I say that, just let me say that

and take a moment where you're like,

"Wow, he's about to say something."

You kept... you kept saying it
as if I wasn't looking at you.

But what I'm clearly doing

is saying, "Look at me."

And what you're supposed
to do is be like, "Ah."

And then I'm gonna say something.

- Ah.
- Look at...

L-Let me say it first.

- All right, guess what?
- Gone.

Now. We back?

Of course, man.

- Come here.
- Ah, come on.

- Come on.
- Come on, come here.

Come on.

- Come here.
- Come here.

- Just meet in the middle.
- Dynamic duo.

- Dynamic duo.
- Batman and Robin.

- Yeah, I'm Batman.
- I'm Batman, for sure.

You guys just made ten grand.

What are we doing drinking
booze that you didn't buy?

- Let's go.
- Yeah!

- Let's do it, all right!
- Yeah!

Hey, can we talk for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Wow, that is some serious shade.

I guess we deserve that.

- Yep.
- Cece, look,

I know I got carried away with
the whole investing thing.

So...

I'm sorry.

Ooh, an Afrikaans dictionary.

Yeah, it was not easy to find.

Read the inside cover.

"Whatever drawings you talk about,

always shoot for the stars.

Winston and Coach."

It's very sweet, guys. Thank you.

That makes zero sense.

I know, it makes no sense.

Hey!

Huzzah!

Nick Miller,

friend, businessman.

This one's for you.

What is she doing now?

I think she's making herself some tea.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's up? Are you okay?

- Kai broke up with me.
- No.

I'm sorry, dude.

I'm sorry. What happened?
She said she wants to be

with somebody who can just
sit on the couch all day.

She said I'm too ambitious;
she said I work too hard.

Nah, it was the... It's not funny.

It's just that when you said
that out loud, it made me laugh.

I'm really sorry about Kai.

She seemed like a great
girl, but on the bright side,

in all your years on this planet,

has anyone ever dumped
you for working too hard?

No.

No, it's mostly 'cause I'm either

too poor or too sticky.

So this is a big day then.

For the first time in my life,

I really want to do something
with this, you know?

I really want to make this business work.

Schmidt, tomorrow, let's start
bright and early, 7:00 a.m.

No, no, no, Nick, I want to do it your way.

Let's wake up at 12:00 noon.

Just said your way.

- Hey, guys, how about 9:30?
- Now that's a genius right there.

- 9:30, let's say 9:30.
- Let's meet in the middle.

What's that book?

- Oh, nothing, it's not even a...
- General artifact.

They're giving out books
at the bar now for kids.

- What is it, seriously?
- It's mine.

Winston and Coach gave it to me.

They're helping me with money for my tuition.

- You need money?
- No, it's gonna be fine. Jess...

Oh my God. I'm selling my car.

No Je... No, no. It's gonna be...

It's gonna be fine, OK?

***

Not a fan.

Kill me... please.

The worst.

Now we taking care of business.

Taking care of business.

Taking care of business.

Taking care of business.

And working overtime. Work it out.

***

You're right, you're right. Calm down.