New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 9 - Longest Night Ever - full transcript

Oh, hey, I was wondering
about date night tonight.

Um, do you wanna just stay in?
You know what that means.

- Dinner and Homeland?
- Sex on the couch.

- Or your thing.
- Homeland sounds great.

- Or your thing.
- Hey, Nick. Um...

Last night when Ferguson and I
were in the shower, I had an epiphany.

It's time to get back in the game.
Meet some women. Human women.

"Human"? Is there any other kind?

I was wondering if you'd watch Ferguson
while I go out with work buddies?

Just a little while. Give him a pill.

- We have date night.
- Jess...



Winston wants to go out
to meet human women without the cat.

Oh, yup, yup, yup.
Nick will watch the cat.

Question,
are those mouth pills or butt pills?

Just one pill. Just one butt pill.

- Here. No? Okay.
- I don't wanna touch that thing.

- Thanks, man.
NICK: Yeah, you got it.

Hey, just hanging at home today?

- No, we have a date tonight.
- I just made some cobbler.

Some peach cobbler
and slow-churned vanilla bean ice cream.

And Coach is asking Cece out on a date
tonight and... Anybody want a bite?

Ha! Ha!

It's fresh out of the oven.

It was piping hot. Ha! Ha!

[SINGING] Who's that girl?



CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

NICK: I hope Coach at least ran this
by you first.

Coach came over, he followed the bro-code.
It actually went really well.

- Hey.
- Hey, just the man I wanted to see.

- You found me.
- I did. I got a question for you.

- Hey, drop the bomb, man.
- Ha, ha.

- Can I ask Cece out on a date?
- Yeah. Wait. What?

Wait, that's so great for Cece.
Coach is super-hot.

Wrong crowd, I see that now.

You blew it with Cece.
You have to be fine with this.

- I am.
- You are?

- I promise I am.
- You are?

- One hundred percent fine.
- Fine?

- Yeah, I'm absolutely fine.
- Really?

It's good for Cece,
for Coach, for America.

We might get another Tiger Woods
out of this. Wouldn't that be nice?

I'm probably getting ahead of myself.
Who knows if Cece will even say yes.

She said yes. We're going to the Staples
Center to watch a game tonight.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

- Are you cool with this?
- Hmm?

All you have to do is say the word.
I'll back off for real.

No, man. Come on, date that thing.

- Yeah. And then date it again.
- Yeah. All right.

- It's not gonna date itself.
SCHMIDT: Yeah, all night long.

I'm kind of nervous.

Yeah, I'm nervous.

Yeah, I'm really nervous. Um...

I mean, she's beautiful and cool,
and, like, you don't even know.

- I 100 percent know.
- Yes, you know, you know.

She stopped the wedding because of me.

I ruined it. I had my own thing.

Malia broke up with me.
It kind of threw my head for a loop.

I'm vulnerable right now,
I don't know, feeling insecure.

Come on. You're Coach.
You're the coach.

Yeah. You're the prize, remember.

You're the prize. You're the prize.

- I'm Coach. Ha, ha.
- Yeah, you're Coach.

- She doesn't stand a chance.
SCHMIDT: Yeah.

- She's gonna get it good.
- Or you could take it slow.

- No, I'm gunning it.
- You're gonna gun it?

- Gunning it.
- For real?

That first-class ass is sitting
in coach tonight.

And best believe, my seat will be
in an upright and locked position.

Thanks, Schmidt.

Oh. Boy, he's gonna gun it.

I don't know if you heard that,
but he said he's gonna gun it.

He's really not fine.

When he says "I'm fine,"
he's about to get UN-fine.

Oh, Schmidters...

there's gonna be other open mics
with sturdier stools.

I'm fine.

I know you're fine. Then they'll
see your rap skills. Then... Hey.

Stop, you just said you were fine.

- You just said you were fine.
- Let me die.

I know Schmidt.

He's gonna try and stop that date
from happening.

- So the strategy is containment.
- Okay.

Okay, we gotta lock him up,
distract him like a baby.

- He gets out of line, we gotta get physical.
- Physical with a baby?

Don't question me. I'm a pro.

Or we can help him move on.

Take him out, get him drunk,
maybe meet someone new.

We gotta keep him in a safe place.
Ah, I wish I had that dog cage.

- What?
- You see a dog cage for sale, you buy it.

Hey, Jess, about tonight, I'm so sorry...

No, it's okay, we'll have date night
when we're married...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- What did you just...?
- Merry, when we're very Merry Christmas.

Hey, moving on.

Hey. Uh, I'm having second thoughts
about Coach and Cece.

- Maybe I should stop their date.
- Smarten up.

Thank you. Um...

- Did you get a chance to get the dog cage?
- No.

- You didn't?
- I feel bad.

- That was the solution.
NICK: I know.

Yeah, Jess. So I just buzzed him up.

He asked me out on a date
and I said yes.

We're both going through a break-up
right now, which is good, right?

Gun it. You'll gun it.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Okay, he's here. Okay, bye.
JESS: Don't go past second base.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wow. Uh, you look amazing.

- Uh, you look...
- Aw.

This.

I gave you this because you look this,
this and this.

I'll give you all these. No, not. Uh...

I'm really excited about the game.

- Yeah. Ha, ha. Yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna go get my purse.

- Okay.
- Okay.

What's wrong with you?

You're the prize.
You're the prize. Get it together.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's up, man? Ha, ha.

What's up? What's up? What's up?

SCHMIDT:
Really appreciate this, guys.

Are you guys hungry?

- Always.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna go get food
from the Staples Center.

Hey, easy. Chill out.

SCHMIDT:
You're right.

NICK:
Hey, Winston.

What happened?
You were supposed to go to a party.

Yeah, it's been so long that I think
I forgot how to talk to women.

Do you ever wonder if someone in here
has killed someone? Ha, ha.

Ferguson is his name, my cat.
Here he is in a cowboy hat.

Good Lord, darling,
how big are your feet?

You know what? It's fine.
I'll be alone my whole life.

Hank Aaron was alone for every home run
he hit. As long as I got Ferguson.

Speaking of which,
where is that cat? Ferguson.

[WHISTLES]

Strange.
He usually comes when I call him.

Nick, you left the window open?
Oh, my God, no.

- Nick.
- What?

He always tries to kick it with pigeons.
You let him out.

I just opened the window.

- I asked you to do one thing.
- I'm sorry.

- This is your fault.
NICK: I feel terrible.

You're gonna help me find him.

Winston, don't leave... Winston.
Okay, I'm coming, buddy.

Jess, stay here
and keep an eye on Schmidt.

No, no, no.
You can't leave me here with him.

She's right. What if it gets rough?

Nick, he is in pain. I can feel it.

- Don't you go.
- I'm so scared.

What do you want me to do?

- Stay.
- Don't go.

Everybody settle. This is my fault.
I'm coming.

Schmidt, just get it together.

Jess, sorry, just keep him here
and keep his mind off the date.

I gotta go. I'm sorry.

Let's find that damn cat.

[DOOR SLAMS]

What do you think Coach and Cece
are doing?

I don't know.

Probably just sat down.
Touching for the first time.

- I'm gonna stop the date.
- No.

Ah.

Is that literally all you have?

Oh, my God, we're screwed.

BOTH:
Nick.

Think. Coach gave me an out.

He said, "Just say the word and it's off."
I'm just gonna say the word.

No. No.

- You call and you say...
- No, Schmidt.

God, you can't do that to Cece.
She's just starting to move on.

All we have to do is get through the night.

- Get your mind off her.
- What do you wanna start with?

[SINGING] Play it now

Play it now, my baby
Cracklin' Rosie, get on board

What's happening?

[HUMMING]

Maybe go no shoes. I don't know.

Okay, and this one's 10th grade, so.

This one's from Evan G. Evan G. Was
the captain of the water polo team.

"Hey, Jess, we both like lunch."

Heh. That's true.

Oh, Landon. Oh, dude.

[SINGING]
Play it now, play it now

Cracklin' Rosie, get on board

Camyrn Manheim represents a woman
who was heckled by a clown.

- Dylan McDermott says...
- Can't stop thinking about Cece.

Okay. Nick said this would work.
Sit down. Stop thinking about Cece.

Wow. This leather is so smooth, brown.

- It's just like Cece.
- That's weird.

All right, I'm gonna lay down
for a little bit.

Okay.

Oh, yes, it feels good.

Okay.

What are you doing, Schmidt?

- Nothing. Just go.
- No, no, no.

- Just go away.
- Okay, Schmidt, hey.

No, we're gonna get you out of here
and get you a new woman.

Nick said to stay at home.

Nick doesn't know everything.

Please stop. This is so disgusting.
I can't look at you.

- This is gross. It's getting weird.
- One more kiss.

- No. You're kissing a sectional, you dummy.
- All right.

That was the right move. You did good.

NICK & WINSTON:
Ferguson.

- Ferguson.
- Come here, buddy.

Come on, you little son of a bitch.

Another lap around the park. Those mean
kids playing Frisbee are gone by now.

Winston. We've looked everywhere.

- What are you doing? Winston.
- Damn it.

I should've never gone to that party.

No, the party was a good thing.
You should go to more parties...

Really? I got shot down by,
I don't know, 16 different women...

and then I come home to find out
that you have misplaced my best friend.

- Ferguson's your best friend?
- Yes.

- Would you listen to yourself? This is pathetic.
- Whoa.

- Pathetic is harsh. I didn't mean...
- Friends don't call friends pathetic.

What do friends do when their other friend
is taking a shower with a cat?

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Wait, wait, wait.

- I just got a text. Somebody found him.
- No way.

- Yes. Yes.
- Ferguson.

If that cat's alive, we're made up.

How are you liking that merch?

Oh, it's great, thanks.

Yeah, yeah.

- You want a pretzel?
- I'm fine. Thanks.

Wasn't a question. Hey, yo, Slice.

Let me get about seven of them hot things.

Don't you worry about the money.
It's cool, I got it, babe.

Coach had a good year today.

Yeah, when I agreed to go out with you,
this isn't what I expected.

I know, I hear that a lot, a lot.

Uh-oh! Ha, ha. Look at that.
Coach is blowing up.

I can't mingle with this trash.
I've been to the mountain top.

Okay, look. Look at me.

You are moving on.
Now, where's the old Schmidt?

When I moved in to the loft, you used to
pull so many ladies. You were legendary.

That year Hurricane Schmidt did demolish
a number of beach communities.

We're gonna go talk to this girl over here.

She's on a flip phone, Jess. I mean,
she's either poor or a time traveler.

Hi. This is my friend Schmidt.

And he's sweet and he's smart...

and has a job I don't understand
but seems to pay well.

- Schmidt, sit down.
- Okay.

I'm gonna give you two a moment.

Look, you're a beautiful woman.

In another life,
we would have been lovers.

My soul mate is at a Sparks game
with another man.

- I need to get her.
- Poor thing...

Please don't interrupt.
Do you see that bug-eyed woman there?

I need to ditch her
so I can go fulfill my destiny.

- Can you tell me when she looks away?
- Not now.

Not now. Wait. Now.

What might have been.

Hey, Schmidt. No.

What do you think he's gonna look like?
You know, when we get him back.

Found him under the steps
eating a dead raccoon's eyeball.

Your cat's a psycho.

Oh, did my baby have a tasty treat?

Ferguson, I missed you so much,
little buddy.

- They're very connected.
- I can relate.

Got a beast of my own.
Hotchkiss, wake up.

We got company.

- Aw. Is that a squirrel?
- Squirrel? It's a hamster.

You know what a squirrel looks like.
You've been outside.

Figuring out the smell, I guess.

This guy's the best.

I'd rather stay home
and watch Grey's with him...

than go out to some bar, try to impress
some douche bag dressed like a lumberjack.

- I'm done chasing men.
WINSTON: I hear that.

I am so done chasing women.

That's too bad.

- Yeah, it's too bad.
- Heh.

You guys hungry?

- No, thank you for the offer.
- I could eat.

Winston, do you like bologna?

The kind you have to peel the wrapper off
just to get to the meat.

Do you have pudding in a cup?

- I never have pudding in a cup.
- No.

- Is that good or bad that she doesn't?
- It's a good thing.

I don't know what's going on here.

- Find Staples Center.
PHONE: Finding Starples Medical Supply.

- No, you dumb pocket robot.
PHONE: Dan Plummer Rubber Stumpers.

Now you're just making up words.
That's not even a place. Damn you.

PHONE:
Maiden Worcester Sauce.

Chocolate.

Hi there.

I'm ruining a date
and don't wanna show up empty-handed.

I will take three of the, ooh,
the Dulce DE Leches.

Um...

How about some caramels?

Have anything that says,
"Sorry for cheating on you.

Please don't sleep with my friend"?

Of course you don't.
Look at that, samples.

What...? Who are you texting right now?

Uh, what are you talking about?
I'm not texting.

- You're texting right now.
- No, I'm just...

Whoever you were texting,
if you wanna be with them...

you should go and be with them.
- You're so jealous.

Okay, yeah, you know what? That's it.

That is the last straw. I'm out of here.

Cece.

Bertie, have you always been a bus driver?

Used to manage a shoe store. Then I quit.

Had a few dark years.
I sold Christian T-shirts for a while.

- Okay.
- Got my tubes tied. Not cheap.

- This is a real honest conversation.
- Shut up, Nick.

Pulled myself out of that personal hell
and voila.

You know, I like driving a bus.

I get to put whatever I want on the dash.
Keeps the darkness away.

- I also, uh... I paint.
- You paint?

It's a boat.

No, I can see it's a boat.

All right, well, uh...

I better take my stomach medicine.
I gotta get up at 3:30.

- Is that a.m?
- I drive a bus.

Will you eat your sandwich?

I don't like it.

What about you, Winston?
Do you like it?

I'm not gonna lie to you.

Sometimes, it was a little hard to chew.

Well, you can suck on it to make it soft.

[COUGHING]

Wow, is something happening
between you two?

Heh. Dude, she is so real.

Okay, good.

You do me a favor. You owe me.

Winston, I would love to.
Anything. I mean it, anything.

- Okay.
- I owe you.

I need you...

to take Ferguson home for me
while I stay here...

and, you know, see where this goes.

- Yes. This is a big moment.
- Yeah.

- I'm proud of you.
- Listen, Ferguson.

I'm about to do what adults do.

- I think that's enough.
- Wish me luck.

- This is a fat cat.
- It's a tough decision.

- Stay here.
- Okay, yeah.

Cece, wait.

Please wait.

I was texting my mom.

MAN: Dork.
- Shut up.

Oh, come on.
You really expect me to believe that?

No, I promise.

My mom, she was texting me because
I was super-nervous about this date.

- Your mom?
- Look.

"Go get them, Booboo"?

That's me. I'm Booboo.

Why do you need inspirational quotes
from your mom just to talk to me?

I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm coming out of
this relationship and, like...

I just... I don't know, I feel like
I don't know how to do this anymore.

I know how you feel.

You do?

Yeah.

Wow. Uh...

I just wanna put on some Drake
and get up on you.

- See, you're doing it again.
- Damn it. I know.

- Sorry.
- Ha, ha.

Hey, Schmidt. What are you doing?
Why do you have all that chocolate?

I'm going to go win her back. Do you know
where I can get a pretty candle?

No, come on, Schmidt, get in the car.

Get in the car.

I love her, Jess.

I have to tell her.

Well, you can't. You have to let her go.

I know.

Look, you're right, I know.

- Okay, good. Come on, get back in the car...
- I also know that in 30 seconds...

I?ll run away again,
and this time I'll lose you.

I'll go down alleys, I'll cut across parks.

I would live in the shadows.

Just slithering, lurking,
trolling the darkness.

Jess, there's only one way
for you to stop me.

I'll do it, whatever it is.

Hit me with your car.

What? No. No.

- It's the only way for you to stop me.
- No, that's crazy.

Come on, Jess, now, do it. I deserve it.

I cheated on your best friend.
I tried to break up you and Nick.

- Hit the gas.
- No. No!

Jess, you do this or I'm gonna run.

- I don't want to.
- Gonna give you to the count of three.

- No, I don't want to, Schmidt.
- Three, two... Do it for Cece.

Aah! Oh, my God.

What the hell was that?

You told me to hit you with the car.

- You just hit me with your vehicle.
- You asked me to.

- And you were really gonna do it?
- I barely tapped you.

These are my favorite utility khakis.

Don't tell me to hit you with my car
if you don't want me to hit you.

- You're out of control.
- What?

MAN: Ma'am, please pull over.
SCHMIDT: Jess... Aah!

Oh, my God. Schmidt.

Son of a bitch.

- I know how this looks.
- Hit a man with your car?

Twice.

I only meant to hit you once.

- You hit me twice.
- Also, he asked me to hit him.

- I'm in a really weird place.
- I need to write a report.

She's not a criminal.
She was being a friend.

I hit him because I care about him.

You guys are into some weird stuff.

Well...

congratulations.

- You made it.
- Heh.

- I did, didn't I?
- Yeah.

And hey, you know, don't worry
about the hospital bill. I'll pay it.

Wait. Did you think that I was gonna...?

- You hit me with your car and I thought...
- You told me to hit you with the car.

Schmidt, don't pretend you're fine.
I know you're not.

I'm not fine.

But I will be.

Let's just wait it out.

Okay.

God, it's been half an hour.

- Come up for air, you weirdos.
- Oh, God.

JESS:
Mm, mm, mm.

I'm getting kind of revved up.

- Nick has some work to do.
- Oh, God. Give me a chocolate.

[GROANS]

- Hey there.
- Hey.

Hmm.

Can I get some of that?

- Mm-hm.
- You spending the night or what?

Oh, hell, yeah.

[NEIL DIAMOND'S "CRACKLIN' ROSIE"
PLAYING]

Play it now, my baby
Cracklin' Rosie, make me smile

I missed this so badly.

Bah, bah-bah, bah, bah-bah