New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 8 - Menus - full transcript

Ah, Hop Foo's, my favorite.

Don't mind if I brunch.

- Are you eating take-out for breakfast?
- You're my girlfriend now.

You're not supposed to judge
anything I do.

- Say that again.
- You're my girlfriend now.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I like it. Even when you have
dumpling in your mouth.

- Ha, ha.
- Sounds good. I have to go.

- I have a big meeting with Principal Foster.
- I hate that guy.

- He always says no to your ideas.
- No, no. Not this one.

- This one is, uh, Ocean Conservation Day.
- Why do you do this to yourself, Jess?



You're telling me to not try?

I don't want you to be disappointed
when he says no.

Maybe you should try to try a little less.

- How am I supposed to try to not try?
- That's a catch-22.

- Hey, Coach.
- I dropped this dumpling!

- Is that his breakfast?
- Yeah. Isn't it cute?

- He's not even ashamed of it.
- Oh.

I got it. It almost got away from... Agh!

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

We have the chance to do something
really great.

Everything's been donated.
All we need are transportation costs.

Come on! That's only the most
expensive part of doing anything!

You...! I'm sorry, that was rude.



I slept very badly last night.

Had a chai tea very late.
Had friends in from Montreal.

Some of these kids have lived in L.A. Their
entire lives and have never seen the ocean.

I asked them to draw
what they thought the ocean looked like.

I got a lot of stuff like this.

- Is that a bagel with wings?
- Yes, sir, it is.

- Extraordinary.
- I'm not taking no for an answer.

You're gonna have to,
because that's just the way it is.

Mm. A shark with legs? That's not
even anatomically close to correct.

That's just a square though.

Have them start over. That's just terrible.

Nick, I want to talk to you
about your fitness level.

- Of what? My body?
- When's the last time you worked out?

I'll tell you when it was.

The time that he battled
his daddy's other dumb sperm...

in order to make his way
to his momma's dumb-ass egg.

- Burns are getting better.
- Just really long.

- Okay.
- Look, I don't need to work out.

I'm old-fashioned
Coney Island fat-strong.

Nicholas, Chinese food for breakfast.
See you're still a health nut.

- Aren't you supposed to be at work?
- Rocking a PD. Personal day.

Last day of the move.

Coach, I see you've wasted no time
moving into my room.

Anyway, I just came over to,
uh, drop off my old key.

Wow, so this is like a moment.

Looking to get some much-needed space.

- You're right across the hall.
- It's true.

Everywhere you go, there you are.

- What?
COACH: What?

- His jeans are so small.
NICK: Looks like a little puppet.

Like something
some Italian whittled.

- Just let me train you.
- You should do it.

I would love for Coach to train me,
but I pushed it too hard at the court.

Went in for a dunk,
landed sort of funny.

- Aah!
- Typical Winston.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- True.
- What's that supposed to mean?

You're always too injured to play.

Remember when you sat out of a game
because you were sad?

I was also cold.

Nick, let's do this.

Look at me.
You're in a new relationship.

You're at risk for getting
the boyfriend 15.

- That's not a thing.
- It is.

Jess is into this.

I've seen this happen a million times.

Boyfriend 15
quickly turns into the boyfriend 20.

Next thing you know,
you're a fat dude on a little bike...

with a cowboy hat on,
talking about, "My ass hurts."

- I don't wanna be that.
- I don't want you to be that.

I'd be riding around in circles
or going places?

Circles, dude.
Fat-guy rash on your arm.

Schmidt's tried to get me to work out
for years. It didn't take.

Also, and it's not an excuse,
I have a very bad back.

- Bad back?
- Yeah.

You gave me a piggyback ride
two days ago, giggled the whole time.

- Heh, it was awesome.
- It was also really funny.

We took the stairs, dude.

- Because I was excited.
- Nick...

either take this dumpling
and be a dumpling guy...

or you train with me
and be a doing guy.

It's hard.
Been a dumpling guy my whole life.

One day, that's all I need.
I will change your life.

You'll be able to see your abs.

I thought God just didn't give me those.

- Come on.
- Let's do it.

- My man!
- I'm in! I'm gonna warn you.

Working out is not my thing.

I'm not worried, man. I do not fail.

- You know what? I'm in too.
- You're injured, you shouldn't...

What? Come on, Winnie the Bish
play through the pain, baby.

Let's warm up with some jumping jacks.

Agh!

I'm just gonna... Um...

Miss Day!
Check out my cool beach hat.

Unfortunately, um, I have some bad news.

We're not gonna get to go
on that field trip.

But you said anything is possible,
Miss Day.

You just keep wearing that hat, Crystal...

because as long as hot dogs are hats...

anything is possible.

You could be the first
little girl in space.

You just ride that hot dog hat
all the way to the moon, girl.

Oh, Crystal,
you're not legally allowed to touch me.

But thank you.

- Hey! Guess who got a trainer.
- So many menus.

I'm gonna look like Barry Bonds.

- Seriously, what the hell?
- Hey.

[SCOFFS]

- It didn't go well with Foster.
- It did not go well.

- I hate seeing you hurt.
- Are you serious? More menus?

This is like...
Why do we need more menus?

- Don't we have enough menus?
- You're saying "menus" a lot.

This an Eco-disaster.

Conservation deserves a win today.

Hop Foo's has killed its last tree.

This feels like
a something-else-is-going-on type thing.

You okay to drive? You got crazy-eye.

Uh, welcome to Hop Foo's.
Can I help you?

This morning, there were nine menus,
just in my apartment.

I also hate those menus.
They're so bad for the environment.

It's wasteful, it's an Eco-disaster...

I'll talk to my boss,
see if we can change that.

Yeah, great. You do that.
I'm gonna follow up with you on that.

I compost-recycle, but I don't
feel like it's enough. Thank you.

- Thank you so much for stepping up.
- That's who I am. That's just, you know...

- My name's Brian.
- Jess. Jessica. Jess.

It's really refreshing
to meet someone who actually cares.

Well, it helps that you're gorgeous.

[LAUGHS]

Blegh! Ha-ha-ha. Burr!

No, that's crazy. That ain't real. Ha, ha.

That's dumb. That's straight dumb.
You're dumb. You're nice.

You excited for the holidays? I am.

Anyway...

- My system is built to be easy.
- Okay.

- As easy as peanuts.
- "Easy as peanuts"?

That's not an expression.
No one says that.

Peanuts is an acronym. Peanuts stands for:
Physical. Education. Activity. Nuts.

- Like, go nuts, have fun.
- You gotta use every letter.

- I'm aware of that, but it still works.
- Yeah! Yo.

What's going on, guys? Heh, let's do this.

No injury's gonna hold
old Winnie the Bish down.

I'm a warrior. Nick knows.

Burpees? All right, cool.

[GROANING]

- Injury's gonna get worse.
WINSTON: I'm not a quitter.

[PHONE RINGS]

What's going on? Everything okay?

Did I leave my Oakland Raiders
yarmulke over there?

Don't know,
Coach and I are working out.

Heh, I've been trying to get you
to work out for years.

- Just come over, man.
- I'm enjoying my space.

But maybe you should just
put me on speaker.

- Okay, you're on.
- Cool. Set the scene. What's the vibe?

- Nick's in jeans.
- Nixon jeans?

What the hell are Nixon jeans?
They sound really cool.

Hey. I solved the menu thing.

I just went down there and I took action.
Boom-yah. I made a change.

Now that I can do that, I feel like
I can figure out the field trip.

- Double boom-yah.
- Ha, ha.

There's still things we need to figure out,
just gotta get the message across.

Hey. Hey.
You don't need to leave these anymore.

No. Hey, hey. Hey!

Where are you running to?
Who sent you?

Brian? I thought you were gonna
talk to your boss?

- I am the boss.
- Hop Foo's is your restaurant?

Sorry I lied. You just seem kind of crazy,
so I didn't want to deal.

- But you care about conservation.
- Oh, I don't. I really don't.

I care about my restaurant.

You're going down, Brian!

I'm gonna collect signatures,
I'm gonna start a petition...

and I will turn it in
to the person who's in charge.

Of restaurants.

- I'm gonna report you to the city.
- Oh, no, not the city.

No! You're a dick, Brian.

I'm gonna burn down your building.
I won't do that. I won't do that.

Why do people suck? Agh, ow!

COACH:
Okay, we're gonna warm up with music.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- Yeah, you feel that?
- I guess so.

Yeah. Loosen up those shoulders.

Move those arms.

- Arms, not face.
- Sorry, thought you said face.

- Sexy. Working out is sexy.
- That's not sexy, this is sexy.

That is not sexy.

Ooh. Uh. Mm.

Damn it!

It's a great workout track!

[GRUNTS]

What's next?

And time!

- Yes! Whoo!
- Yes! Whoo!

- Do it again.
- Again?

Yeah, man.

Six, seven, eight...

Come on, man!

- Mine's broken.
- Push through it, man.

Thank God you're here, Cece.

What's the emergency?
Why does Jess need this Chinese food?

No, no, no, I made that up.

- You tricked me into getting you food?
- Yes.

- Why?
- Nick, what is this?

For after. Don't worry about it.
I will be right back.

[SIGHS]

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Hello there.

- I'm Cece. I remember you.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Great memory.
That's what's up. That's what's up.

No doubt. Diggity.

[LAUGHS]

- Nick!
- Breasts... Ni...

This is for the food,
and there's a little extra for you.

- Oh, my God, are you tipping me?
- Yeah.

If I'm gonna get in trouble, give it back,
I gave you 4 bucks.

I'll tip you good. I'll tip you right over.

- Good stuff.
- Yeah, yeah. Um...

Wish I could've said something else.

- "Tip you right over" was good.
- Cool. Uh...

- She single?
- Yeah, kind of.

Cool, man. What are you doing?

- I'm gonna... It's a protein base. I'm gonna eat...
- That's not how it works.

- We're in the middle of our workout.
- We're not done yet?

- No!
- Hey, whoa.

I had a productive conversation
with the restaurant owner.

Action has been taken.
Change is in the air.

I'm gonna go research lawsuits
in my room for fun.

- You okay?
- Stop ordering from that place, Nick.

Nick, put the dumpling down.

- Hi.
- What's up, Jason Street?

The Internet said
that I had to stay off my feet...

then I found this wheelchair in a ditch,
so I'm ready to work out.

Winston, go lay down.
Nick, put the dumpling down.

Relax. Ah!

- Did you just gasp?
- Ha-ha-ha.

- I'm having one...
- Down.

I'm gonna ask you again, don't...

Don't do it.

Don't. Do...

I'm going to eat one bite of this.

Don't do it. You're better than this.

- I don't know if I am. I'm... Agh.
- No. Don't. Don't.

- Stop shaking it. Let me eat it.
- What's going on?

- Just working out. Yeah.
- Just working out.

- Does this food have MSG in it?
- What?

MSG makes my jaw lock up.

- You all right, dude?
- What?

- What's going on with your jaw?
- Yeah, dude.

- Agh!
- Oh, you son of a...

Wait a minute. Ha! "No MSG."

- Where are you going?
- Just taking Winston for a walk.

- I think he needs some fresh air.
- Agh!

- Damn it, Coach.
- Nick!

Really think about your next step.

Why do you care so much?

This is a crucial moment. A crossroads.

By eating that, you're telling me
you'd rather sit on the couch...

eating dumplings
than do something with your life.

Are you a doer or a dumpling-er?

I'm sorry, I'm not you, man.

I'm a dumpling-er. Mm.

Oh, it's veggie.

I did all that for nothing?

I tried.

- Where are you taking me?
- Quiet, you're my smoking gun.

Winston's in a wheelchair?

What's next? Roberto Benigni coming
through the halls making everybody laugh?

Damn it! Agh! I'm missing everything!

Take these.

Ugh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Don't even talk.

My friend is having
an allergic reaction to your food.

- Hey, man.
- It says "no MSG" on the menu.

It also says it with the...

- What's the circle with the diagonal line...?
- [MUFFLED] Ghostbusters thing.

- What?
- From the movie Ghostbusters.

Oh. It says it with words,
and it says it with the Ghostbusters thing.

- Just calm down.
- Here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna stop putting
these menus everywhere...

or I'll show the people here
what happens when you eat the food.

I actually like the food.

Listen, Jess, Chinese food is MSG.

America is living a lie.

We distribute menus
so people order the food.

Just accept that.
That's the way things are.

No. I am done accepting things
the way they are.

Because there are menus everywhere,
and there are kids who wanna see the ocean.

- What?
- And I don't like your vibe, dude.

- Ugh.
JESS: Hey!

This is what eating here
did to my friend.

- Is that crispy noodles?
- Shut up.

[COACH SINGING]

Coach?

No, no, no

What the hell are you doing?

Making island beats.

I think this is what I'm gonna do
from now on.

- Since obviously I can't coach.
- I thought we were just messing around.

- Why are you taking this so hard?
- Because, dude.

I was trying to prove to myself
that I could still do this.

Ever since Malia broke up with me,
I don't know, I've just been a mess.

I can't do anything right.

Guys, it's locked, it's unlocked.
Get it together, for real.

What are you doing here?
I thought you were busy.

I found this extra alarm clock,
and, uh, I thought I'd be neighborly...

so I'll set it up for you guys.
You're welcome.

Wait a second, what is that?

- What's what?
- Is that a camera?

- Mm?
- Schmidt, are you spying on us?

S... Ugh.

It's a camera. I'm shocked.

- You decided to move out. So move out.
- I am out.

I'm actually very busy, you know that.

I'm actually late for a very important
coffee with a dear friend of mine.

- Who's that? Who?
- Hm? Yeah.

Wouldn't you like to know?

[SINGING] Tiny pants man
He don't have friends

That's why he got the clock

He got the clock to watch his only friends

Enjoying your meal?
Winston enjoyed his meal...

until he had an allergic reaction.

There. I drove away all your customers.
And I'm gonna do that every day...

until you stop with the menus.

Earth warrior.

- You win. I'll stop.
- Thank you.

Charles.

You're fired.

- What? No.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Don't fire him.
- He's the menu guy.

- I was trying to make a difference.
- You did.

At the beginning of the day
he had a job. Now he doesn't.

So congrats on your victory. You win.

[SOBBING]

Do you have any teaching experience?

Does anyone have an antihistamine?

You know, I just moved across the hall...

but it feels like
I moved across an entire ocean.

People grow up, especially young people.

- It's like my friends don't even miss me.
- Uh-huh.

Well, they don't miss you.
They've moved on.

What? How do you know that?

Because he told me.

His name is Connor,
and he went to SUNY Binghamton.

I once lived with 40 birds,
and they all flew away.

And I moved on.

[GAGS]

Slow down on the noodles, buddy.

Well, congratulations, Miller.
You were right.

- What happened?
- I terrorized a restaurant.

I got a good man fired.

I might've ran over a lizard
with my wheelchair, but I am ashamed.

So that's what you get for trying.

Let's see what the enemy tastes like.

- Anybody wanna help me use the bathroom?
- No.

Okay, I'll work it out.

Shouldn't have even tried.
You just get hurt.

This is such a relief, I can get fat now.

- Guys, stop it.
- Been wanting to eat this all day.

It's like a Chinese food ménage. Unh.

You guys are doers,
and people like me...

who don't do anything,
we actually need people like you.

JESS:
Mm.

Oh, boy, this is bad. Uh, this...
Okay. All right.

- I'm gonna give a speech, it's gonna fire you up.
- Got some on my pants.

We'll start with compliments
to build confidence.

Okay, um, Coach, you're a great guy.

You've got strong bodies...

Agh.

You just need some more clients.
I believe in you.

- Thanks.
- Jess, you're awesome.

You are the most resourceful, optimistic,
amazing person I've ever met in my life.

- I can't even get my kids on a field trip.
- You can do anything. You're smart.

- Why can't you get them on this trip?
- No way to get them to the beach.

That's a board, I karate kick it.

- You're not used to making speeches.
- The point is, you never give up.

Fine. I guess you win.

- I sort of miss being here.
- The nanny cam gave it away.

Well, nobody helped me,
so now there is a real mess.

Hey, Winston, do you have the money
to rent a car or a bus?

- I found this wheelchair in a ditch.
- Is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?

Stop! If it's not an idea
about how to rent a car or a van...

then I don't wanna hear it!

Wait a minute. Nick.

That's brilliant.

JESS: Boys and girls, transportation
provided by Hop Foo's restaurant.

All right, everybody, we did it.

Ocean Conservation Day starts now.

Welcome to the Pacific Ocean.

GIRL: Yeah!
- The large body of water to my left.

No horseplay, guys.

Guys, don't talk to strangers.

And you said it wouldn't fit.

I knew it'd fit,
I just didn't want you to bring it.

Careful. It's got a trick wheel.

- I think it's fine.
- Okay.

- Agh! Trick wheel.
- It's not fine, sorry.

This wheelchair...

- Miss Day.
- Hey.

Thank you.

Here, you deserve this.

Oh, thank you. I love it.

But you know what? I think this actually
belongs to Nick Miller, because he did this.

Oh, wow.

- Is this your dad?
- How old do you think I am, little girl?

All right.

- I don't want this gift. Ha, ha.
- It's her favorite hat.

Hey. You made a difference.
How does it feel?

It feels good.

Yeah, actually, it feels great.
I feel like, um...

I don't know, I feel like running.

- Hey, Coach, you wanna show me how?
- How to run?

Come on, coach me.

Is this right, Coach?
Am I doing it right?

Miller, you sorry excuse
for a human being...

you are shaped like a beanbag chair!
I will sit in you!

WINSTON:
No, he can do it.

I'm coming too,
because I ain't a quitter. Ironside!

I'm coming. I'm com...

Agh! Unh.

I'm all-terrain, baby.

- I was wrong about you. You're not a quitter!
- Whoo!

- Now please, quit!
- Glad I got to see that.

Oh, Schmidt, here's your key back.

We kind of like having you around.

Thanks.

This is just a copy though.
I have like 50 of them at home.

WINSTON:
What are y'all doing to me?

- Your students are burying Winston.
- He likes it.

Get away from me. Where your parents at?

Shoo, children, shoo.

Away now. Be away.

- Get out of here.
WINSTON: Don't you understand?

- Shut up, Winston.
- I'm family, you can't do this to me!

COACH:
This is karma.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Winston.