New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 10 - Thanksgiving III - full transcript

- Nick, we need to talk.
- Winston stays. End of discussion.

No, dude,
I got your Thanksgiving invitation.

[TRUMPET PLAYING & TURKEY GOBBLING]

- Did you make this?
- Absolutely not.

He's announcing Thanksgiving
with his little trumpet.

He's announcing the feast.
It's so funny. Ha-ha-ha.

We should name that little guy Roger.

When your testicles fell off...

did you form lady parts or is it
kind of like a Gonzo nose down there?

- That's really interesting.
- Yeah.

The thing is my testicles
haven't fallen off.



It's just the morning, and my testicles
do this really unique thing of burrowing.

When it's cold out.

- You're burning me.
- I gotta be real with you.

- Please.
- I know how a guy can get...

like, lost in a relationship.
I've been there, dude.

You're snuggling, you're snuggling,
you're snuggling, and then bam!

Next thing you know you're wearing a jean
skirt and tube top with no panties on...

because you said you'd dress up
like each other for Halloween.

But she doesn't dress up like you,
but you still go to the party.

I could not be more sorry for you,
but that's not my story.

- Stand up.
- Stand up?

Yeah.

Okay.

Are those Jessica's pajama bottoms?



It's football player pants
for breast cancer awareness.

I like the way that they hug my gronk.

- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?

- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?

It's Jess

JESS: Camping on Thanksgiving? - It might
be a crazy idea, but I kind of like it.

I thought you hated camping and nature.

You were afraid a fly was gonna fly
in your head and learn all your thoughts.

I am a man,
and men belong in wilderness.

It really means a lot to me.

The only thing I care about
is that we're all together...

and that we can all sit down together
and have a nice dinner.

I 100-percent agree.

- I think everybody's gonna love this idea.
- Me too.

- Camping?
- Like animals?

- What the hell?
- Hear him out.

Let's face it, our indoor Thanksgivings
haven't been so great.

- Turkey!
- Dead body!

- I'm into your mother.
- This can't be worse.

- Thank you, I got it from here.
- Fine.

This Thanksgiving, I want to honor
the traditions of our forefathers.

The mighty pilgrims and Native Americans
who came together in order to survive.

Sure, yeah. The first chapter
in a proud history of cooperation.

It'll be the ultimate test of manhood
and our survival skills.

- It will?
- How's this for a test of manhood?

We stay at home, we drink beer,
we watch football.

- Manhood.
- I like that idea.

- Winston, I'm talking about real men.
- Me too.

- Men who fend for themselves.
- You're the laziest man I know. Be honest.

Has he ever been on top?

- Real men are on the bottom.
- No, they're not.

Guys, guys, it's Thanksgiving.

We need to be together. Who's in?

- Come on, guys.
- All right, I'm in.

- What?
- Yes!

My parents were divorced.
They never took me camping.

- I always thought I'd be incredible at it.
- Let's get ready.

WINSTON:
What the hell is on your head, Schmidt?

SCHMIDT:
An exact replica of the hat...

that Viggo Mortensen wore in the movie
Hidalgo, and I knew you'd like it.

- Wow! Nice job, Miller. This
spot's beautiful. NICK: I know.

- Cece!
- Cece's here?

I didn't know she was gonna be here.

Yay! I'm so happy you came.
We're all together.

It makes me so excited.

Of course. What could be better
than camping with my ex-boyfriend...

and his friend I just made out with?

- With whom you just made out.
- Don't.

- You know I hate that. Don't.
- Grammar's important.

Seriously, don't.

If it gets awkward, I'll come save you.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Yay!

- Hey, what's up, girl?
- Hey, Cece.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, I never, uh, had a
chance to ask you...

how'd, um, you guys' date
go the other night?

- Oh, with Cece?
- Yeah.

Um... It was... I loved it.

I mean, it was good. It was cool.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

- Super.
- Super duper.

So where are you pitching your tent?

- Over there.
- Oh, yonder?

- Yeah, yeah. Yonder.
- Yeah, sure.

I've been researching on the Internet
for the past 12 hours...

everything there is to know
about the wood. Now I'm a master camper.

So if you need any help with anything,
just come to me and ask, okay?

Thanks, man. I don't know anything
about the wood.

- I know everything.
- I'm lost. Is that a tree?

If these trees were skyscrapers,
you'd feel very comfortable.

Yeah, I'd be right at home.
Unfortunately there are actual trees.

- Yeah.
- You're the best. I love the hat.

I'm sorry, is that a solar
cell phone charger?

Yeah, I can't go more than two days
without it.

Wait, hold on. Do you hate camping too?

Are you kidding me?
I absolutely hate camping.

- Then why are we here?
- Because I didn't get a say.

I never get a say. When I want
to do something, they don't give a hoot.

Guess who got free passes
to a pottery seminar!

- Get out of here.
- Winston!

We could've made
the craziest mugs, man.

JESS: Hey, Nick.
- Yeah.

- There's just beer in here.
- Should last us for a few hours.

Where's the food?
Where are all the pies I made?

Don't worry, Jess, because
the food is right here.

I'm sorry, I don't understand that gesture.

We're gonna be hunting
and foraging for our dinner...

just like the Indians and the pilgrims.

But you brought beer.

You can't forage for beer,
and that's a necessity.

So this is Thanksgiving meal?

Ninety-six warm beers?

We can do this.
Guys, we've gotten soft...

with our antibiotics
and our sports creams.

Do you think George Washington
had a pet cat?

- No.
- He didn't. He hunted them.

- He made milk and butter out of their spoils.
- What? That's terrible.

Washington milked cats?

- Nothing sounds accurate.
- Where did you read this?

It's not gonna be easy. It'll be hard.

But we will emerge out of this
better friends and a tribe.

I'm on board. Ha, ha. Going old-school.

- Men. Killing. Hunting.
COACH: Men.

Men! Men! Men!

Oh, my cowman's...!
My cowman's hat.

My cowman's hat.

Guys, look, I'm as much a man as anybody
here, but this plan is straight-up dookie.

- I need my sweets and I need my parade.
- Yeah, you know what? I'm out too.

Guys, guys, guys, look.

We're together.

We're a family. It's Thanksgiving.

I'm sure Nick has a plan, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Great.

- We got a plan.
- The man's got a plan.

The wilderness guides right here
detail what plants are safe for eating...

and what traps we can build.

Unfortunately, I ran out of money,
so I couldn't print...

the chapters on gutting and skinning.
We'll worry about that when we get there.

Pilgrim rules:
Men, hunters! Women, foragers.

I'm not hunting. The only Hunt I want
is Bonnie or Helen.

You know what I'm talking about, Coach.

Nick.

This is perfect.
Primal man in nature, stalking prey.

Who's basically a lady now, Coach?

I've seen that tree six times
in 20 minutes.

We're definitely moving in a small circle.

NICK: Here's what I'll do.
I'm gonna clear a path this way.

- We will travel northbound, I believe.
- That's south.

That is south?
Then let's travel southbound.

I'm gonna clear a path. If something's
in there and you get injured...

I promise you I will kill you fast. Ow.

Scat. Scat.

- There's an animal nearby.
- That's a raisin, man.

It's not a raisin. This is scat.

Okay.

[COUGHING]

That's poop for sure. I was right.
In your face, Nick.

- In your face.
- How so?

I don't know, he put a turd in his mouth.

- In my face?
- Yeah.

I don't think we should start
eating poop yet.

- Just wait on that.
- Wanna chase it with dirt?

- Does anyone have any gum?
- No.

Not that I wanted any in the first place.

That's a mighty big hole there.
You trying to catch a refrigerator?

It's a bear hole. Bear falls in, other stuff
falls in, we take what the bear doesn't want.

- Makes sense.
- Classic human-bear team-up.

- I'm from Chicago. Best I can do.
- Bears love to share.

What will you do with that bear
in the hole?

Dude, I'm trying the best that I can.
We have no food.

Let me explain something to you, Nick.

When you build a trap,
customize it to your prey.

So, I don't know, if I was trying
to catch, say, a squirrel...

I?d want to think like a squirrel.

- I'll demonstrate with this trap I built.
- How do you get in the mind of a squirrel?

[CHITTERING]

- I'm a squirrel, right?
- You do that really well.

There's some nuts.
Look at all these nuts.

You might not want to do that.

If I needed advice on
leading a spin class...

I?d ask you, but this is my territory.
Agh!

- My scapula!
- Are you all right?

- Hold on.
- Agh! Get it off!

[BOTH GROANING]

Get up, keep breathing, man.

- I don't mean to laugh. You okay?
- I'll make you a sling.

- What? You don't know how to do that.
- Of course I do.

What? What are you doing?

- I was an Eagle Scout.
- What are you talking about?

- Look.
- That's actually really good.

Sorry. You wanted to be
the best at camping.

You were so excited about your hat.
I didn't want to get in the way.

- Plus with the whole Cece thing...
- What are you talking about?

You're gonna let me be the best camper.
I am the best camper.

Yeah...

I think this is chicory.
It says you can eat the root.

Or it's jasmine, which will kill you. Hmm.

What do you guys think?

- It's fine.
- Just eat it.

Hey, raspberries! There are... Ow.

Heh. There are a lot of brambles here.

There's a country store not far from here.
Three and a half stars.

The reviews say it's functional and dusty.
Sounds good to me.

This is so fun. Who wants to help?

This plan is officially the worst.
We are starving.

Just admit you don't want
to do this either.

Okay, listen up. Only stuff we could
find in the forest, all right?

Look at that fish.

- It's perfect.
- What?

I'm gonna grab it. I'm so hungry.
Now we get to eat, boys.

COACH: Dude, that looks dead.
- Guys, stop being negative right now.

COACH:
Laying on it's side means it's dead.

I wouldn't get in that water, man.
You're gonna get beaver fever.

NICK:
Yeah, where are my testicles now, Coach?

When he catches that little critter,
I'm gonna show you how to scale it.

- SS, SS... Ow.
- It hurts?

Yeah, it hurts. A boulder fell on my...

COACH: Hey, is all this
because I teased you about the invite?

NICK:
Yes, it is. No regrets.

- Oh.
- Aw, come on, Nick.

Agh! Yes!

- Quit it.
- You guys might be right. It might be dead.

In fact, it was dead.

Smells fresh enough.

Come on, Winston,
did you just get your nails done?

Get the apple dirty. Grind some dirt in it.
Grind some dirt in it.

God, I'm so hungry.

- Hey, hey!
- Hey.

- Look what the men brought. Plan worked.
- Oh! Hey.

- Looks like a fighter.
- He really was, kind of.

Oh, my God.

JESS: I mean, well...
- It's like a smorgasbord.

- You did great.
- Yup, we did.

- Where'd you get the cashews?
- Um, on a bush.

How about the beets?

- Also a bush.
- That's right.

The avocado?

- Also on a bush.
- That's right.

Look at us. Living off the land.
Fending for ourselves.

We got fish and fruits...

and this is probably gonna be the most
delicious apple I've ever eaten in my life.

Product of Oregon?

We walked to Oregon?

- What? That's why this cramp...
- What?

- Yeah.
- You think the three of us are dumbasses?

- We're not.
- I kind of knew from the beginning.

- You just went to a store and got all this?
- I think so.

They bought everything from the store.

The one thing I wanted was for us all
to sit down together and have dinner.

- And you can't do that without dinner.
- We have dinner.

- The fish kind of looks like hippo meat.
- Come on, man.

Let's just sit down and eat some delicious
almonds and enjoy ourselves.

- And have a nice Thanksgiving together.
COACH: Come on, man. Let's eat.

I feel like how they must have felt
on the first Thanksgiving.

- Betrayed.
- What?

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Nick!
- Come on, Nick.

FYI, the first Thanksgiving
was the good one.

WINSTON: Come on, Nick.
These avocados were expensive.

- Here we go.
- Smells so good!

I can't wait till it's ready.
I'm gonna be so stuffed.

Ooh!

The eyeball fell off.
That's how you know it's good.

They gotta pop out when it's ready,
I think.

Now that the cards are on the table,
we can see who the camp master is.

- Answer's me.
- First one to make a flame wins. Let's do this.

Now, check this out.

This is how you make a flame.
You have two rocks. One against the other.

You create friction.

- I'm done.
- What?

COACH: I'm done.
- That's barely a flame. It's going out.

Whoa! Goodness gracious.
What are you, a sorcerer?

Damn it.

Hey, Mountain Man.

You wanna come eat
some dirty vegetables?

I should've known beets weren't from
nature. Nothing purple grows in nature.

Look, we didn't come through, okay?

You came through.

Look, you caught a fish. That's really,
really impressive. How'd you do it?

- With my bare hands.
- No way.

- You're so strong.
- Yeah. Yeah, it was...

- What are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything.

I think that's amazing.
You provided for us.

- You're a man.
- Don't patronize me.

- I'm not.
- Ever since we started dating, Jess...

we've been doing a bunch of girly stuff.

And I like some of it and you...

but my tolerance to alcohol has, like,
gotten really scary low.

I drank three beers and I got,
like, all giggly and tired.

And I didn't want a fourth.

Last night, I had a dream
that I was brushing a horse.

I just feel like I'm
losing myself a little.

Just let me eat this disgusting fish.

- No. Nick. Nick.
- Just let me be over here.

This is the most beautiful fish
I've ever seen.

- I wouldn't touch it.
- It is.

Don't put your hands in... Oh, my...

Spit it out.

Mm.

Mm-mm!

Mm.

Fragrant. Mm.

I can really...

I can really taste the lake.

- Spit it out.
- I feel like I'm there in the lake with the fish.

Mm.

Bony.

That's gonna hurt going down.

But I like it.

Hurts so good! Hurts so good!

Jess, that fish was dead when I caught it.

There was a sock near it.

Mm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- I'm gonna come.
- No.

Jess, let me come with you.

There's something over here
I want to look at.

I'm seeing some interesting things.

I'm out of the office till Friday.

For immediate assistance, please call
Deb at extension AC Slater. Mm-ahh.

- You guys see where she went?
- No. Jess?

- Jess!
- Jess!

- Jess!
- Jess!

NICK:
Jess!

Jess!

I just want to see more carpet samples
before I make a final decision.

NICK: Jess!
SCHMIDT: Jess!

CECE:
Jess!

NICK:
Jess!

- Jess, where are you?
- Jess!

- Jessica!
NICK: Oh, my God.

This is all my fault.

You know what, Coach?
I did like the invitation.

I made it and I like the trumpet guy.
I thought he was cute.

- As cute as a damn button.
- What?

[JESS MUTTERING]

- Guys, look! There she is. JESS: There
are dogs that have dollar signs.

That don't even own banks.

- Jess, we're over here!
- Wait, wait, wait. I've seen that tree before.

- Jess, stop! The bear trap!
- Aah!

- Aah!
- I'm coming!

Jess! Agh!

[JESS GRUNTS]

Head-first? Why?

Agh, son of a... Agh!

Oh, my God, Jess. I am so sorry.

I was an idiot.
This Thanksgiving plan was so stupid.

You shouldn't have eaten that fish. Sorry.

Don't let them pay the bill, okay?
You bring the check to me.

No arguments, moon man.

CECE: Oh, my God!
- Is anyone hurt?

We're fine. I may have cracked
a few ribs and, uh...

Jess is delirious.
I think she thinks she's a rabbit.

Guys, we're gonna figure
something out, all right?

NICK:
Just get us a rope or a stick or something.

- All right, man, so any ideas?
- You know what, Coach? Don't humor me.

- What?
- You know what to do.

Look, I admit it. You're a better camper
than I am. You're better at life.

You're probably better
at dating Cece than I am.

Saw you the other night
inhaling each other in front of the loft.

Schmidt, that's all we did. That was it.

I asked her to come upstairs.
She said no, okay?

She won't return any of my text messages,
been ignoring me.

I'm all like, "Hey." She's like "Mm-hm."
I'm like, "What?"

- Why are you smiling, dude?
- I'm not smiling.

I'm here baring my soul,
and you're smiling.

- This is the face I make when I listen.
- Your teeth show when you listen?

- I opened up to you. Stop smiling.
- I'm not.

You're crazy.

- You're nuts.
- Listen. We are gonna solve this right now.

All right, take your pants off.
Okay, I am no Eagle Scout...

but I know how to make a pants rope.
- Pants rope.

- You're a genius!
- Okay.

- Are you gonna take off your pants?
- Right after I take off my bra.

- That's gonna happen?
- Just take them off.

Whoa, heh! Look at Winston's leggings...

with kittens.
- These aren't kittens.

Cannot believe I'm here.

- You're so stupid.
SCHMIDT: Coming off.

CECE:
Here, you guys. Grab hold of the rope.

Okay, you go first, Jess.

I'll be right behind you to support you.

Ding, dong. Ding, dong.

What are you doing? Okay, how about this?
Get on my back.

- Back at you.
- Whoa. Agh.

You can do it!

Hold this flashlight, buddy.

- Grab hold.
- Pfft.

- Come on.
- Here we go.

Oh, God, I'm gonna get you out of here.

[ALL GROANING]

Use your legs, Nick!

[ALL GRUNTING]

- Come on, Nick.
- Pull it.

- Come on.
- Come on.

- Winston, I hate your leggings.
- Come on. Almost there.

- Let's go!
- You got it.

- You've got it!
- Agh!

- You've got it!
- Come on.

[ALL GROANING]

[ALL EXHALING]

- You chubby son of a bitch.
- Yeah.

SCHMIDT: Whoo!
- Unh.

- You okay, Jess? You all right?
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yeah. Aah!

ALL:
Oh!

- Hey.
- Thanks for saving me, Mountain Man.

So I've got good news from the doctor.
You don't have rabies.

- Oh?
- You have, uh, giardia.

And something called
Legionnaire's Disease.

I'm just glad they were able
to save your foot.

- What?
- Nothing.

Never mind.

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

Hey, I'm sorry
about the whole camping thing.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I was really stupid. I haven't been myself.

You're the man I want.

All you wanted was for everyone
to be together on Thanksgiving, Jess.

Next year.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Listen, Coach.
Uh, in the spirit of Thanksgiving...

I thought maybe that I could
give you some advice about Cece.

- How desperate do you think I am?
- Probably very desperate.

I'm very desperate.
She's giving me nothing.

Told her she looks pretty. She said thanks.
What kind of game is that?

Look, Coach, things have always
come easy to you.

Cece is not going
to be one of those things.

I once spent hours in a car
with just a cracked window for air.

She was going to a club
and she just kind of left me there.

Why are you smiling about that?

Hey, guys, I figured out a way
to save Thanksgiving. I got a plan.

COACH: Enough with the plans.
WINSTON: You are terrible at plans.

Hey. It's still 11:48,
so happy Thanksgiving.

- What?
CECE: Ha-ha-ha.

We've got us some Brazilian nuts,
couple string cheeses and snack.

- Thank you.
WINSTON: I got the parade on my phone.

- Yes. Heh.
- Made some decorations.

I think this may be a turkey sandwich.
I'm not sure.

- And I know this whole thing isn't...
- It's perfect.

Look, guys, start without me because it might
be a few weeks before I can eat again.

- Heh. You were throwing up a lot.
- Ha-ha-ha!

That was scary. Ha-a-ha. Seriously.

- I'm starving. Let's eat.
- Let's eat.

- Nick found all this food in the woods.
- Ha-ha-ha!

- Can I have a ginger ale?
SCHMIDT: Yeah.

- Nick found that already opened.
- Ha-ha-ha.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]