New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 11 - Clavado En Un Bar - full transcript

Well, nothing brightens up a rainy day
like a Scotch tasting, guys.

- It's not raining. Hasn't in months.
- Shh. Don't ruin it.

There's a forest fire.
You should turn on the news.

This is a 15-year-old French Oak reserve.

- Mm. A note of cedar, vanilla, tobacky.
- Boozy.

Hunting, fishing, shooting.

Fatherhood, bonding, sadness.

- Please don't leave me.
- Cheers, guys. Put her there.

- Cheers.
- To a nice, quiet evening.

- Tranquil.
- This moment is so chill...

and absent of drama,
I wanna call it "Tim Duncan."



I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing
decision. You are gonna help me.

NICK: Oh.
- Yeah.

- That is $45 worth of Scotch right there.
- It tastes disgusting. I don't like it.

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

So obviously Nick has told you I've been
volunteering at the Children's Museum...

and hitting it off
with the curator, Candace.

In my way, I have.

- Never heard.
- Thank God.

Come on.

Give me one second. I've gotta play
a round of "Car Keys Monte"...

with Kevin-97 or he'll try to drive.
- Ha, ha.

So about a month ago,
Candace calls me and tells me...

there might be a fundraising position
opening up, and I'd be perfect for it.



Here we go. Look for the keys.

She keeps pushing for an answer.
I keep putting her off.

I say, "Thank you, but I already
have a job. Me teacher."

[CHUCKLES]

- That's a grammar joke. You get it.
- Look at the jukebox for a sec.

When I think of teachers
I think of two things:

- Jessica Day and pornography.
- Ooh.

I've wanted to be a teacher,
but my school's a disaster.

Justice Brandeis believed that when...

- Ms. Day?
- Education's Principal Foster, everybody.

Thank you so much.

Ms. Day, we have hit a construction hiccup
in our renovation...

so everybody's gonna have to be
sharing classroom space.

What? Oh.

Do you have a freezer or should I flush
these frogs? My check comes either way.

Oh, come on.

Foster's sticking us with the math kids
that use letters instead of numbers?

Do you mean algebra?

I guess.

Anyway, it's gonna be a couple
of crazy months.

- I'm sorry, months?
- Right.

Years if the bond issue fails, which it
might, since voters are trending anti-future.

Anti-future? Who's anti-future?

I don't know. The Amish? The dying?

Television industry, print media,
record industry, railroad industry...

karaoke machine owners.
You got this?

I'm gonna go not smoke pot.

- So my phone rings...
- We telling phone stories? Nice.

- No, work.
- So your phone rings?

And it's Candace officially
offering me the job.

- And I told her I'd think about it.
- Wow, you not being a school teacher?

You have found my flabbergast button,
and guess what. You've pressed it.

- I'm flabbergasted as hell too.
- I've been a teacher my entire life.

I've always wanted to be a teacher.
Maybe I should be doing something else.

I don't know. How do you know
when you're on the right path?

[ALL MUMBLING]

- That wasn't a rhetorical question.
BOTH: Oh!

What I like to do is just
take a drive up the PCH, maybe.

Guys. Candace is calling at 6
to find out my final answer.

- Whoa!
- What?

I'm sorry you're in such a pickle, but
I'm not sorry that I get to time something.

- Nineteen minutes, people, just to be clear.
- All right.

Nineteen minutes until 6:00.

- I'm not sure this is helping.
- This brings a whole new level of tension.

- This is a life-changing decision.
COACH: Forty-six seconds.

Seventeen minutes till 6:00.
Seventeen minutes, Jess.

- Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch?
- Familiar with Rollergirl's relationship...

to her skates in Boogie Nights?
- Yes.

Well, I'm not, because I don't
watch movies. I time them.

They're pornographers, but also a family.

155:30 official running time,
my round ass.

Jess, choosing a career path
is never easy.

- But what I've found...
- Shut up, dude.

She's looking for career advice. Your job
could be done by a vending machine.

Guys, don't be mean.
So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.

Or is it the most traditional?

I'm thinking about prostitution.

As you all know, I'm the expert
at changing career paths.

We're now bragging?

I'm referring to my decision
to quit playing basketball.

Jess, I will tell you this.
It was not easy.

It all began...

JESS: Come on, Winston. Move it along.
WINSTON: Okay, Jess, fine.

But don't blame me if you get lost
in the nooks and crannies...

of this crazy English muffin
we call Winston's life.

I was the ninth guy off the bench
for the eighth best team in Latvia.

Winnie the Bish! Winnie the Bish!

- Winnie the Bish!
- Thanks for coming to watch me play, guys.

We didn't watch you play,
we watched you sit, which was still fun.

- Any chance to get to Latvia, right, guys?
- I haven't played all year.

They barely let me practice, but, you know,
like I always say, "All about them lots."

That's when you decided
to change course? Makes sense.

- My takeaway from that...
- Still building to the decision.

- You are traded to Kraslava City.
- The Outdoor League?

- Man, they play on a hillside.
- I give you surprise tip: Uphill basket better.

JESS: And then you decided...?
WINSTON: Ah.

I'm going fast!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You'll never play basketball again.

[SHOUTS]

And that's when I decided
to stop playing the game of basketball.

Jess, walk away the moment
you stop loving it.

- I mean, that's what I did...
- You didn't walk away.

You decided nothing.
That story contained zero decisions.

I decided to stop playing
the game of basketball...

when my doctor told me I had to stop.

Okay. Okay, all right.

It was my decision to start
to play the game of basketball...

You were handed a basketball
six seconds after you were born.

Damn, do I even like basketball?
My goodness, have I ever made decisions?

Are we all just living
inside the mind of a giant?

All right, good job, buddy.
Really good. Thanks.

- If I may be so bold...
- Nick, please. Winston, have a seat.

- I was literally about to give advice.
- She's heard one cautionary tale.

She does not need to hear another.
What she needs to hear is my story.

A story of hard choices.
A story of paths taken.

A story that I like to call
"Kablamo McYeah Bro."

You stupid bastard.

The title has nothing to do with the story.
But you need a hook.

- It all began...
JESS: Come on, Schmidt.

Only one story in the world
can begin in a hospital?

I volunteered a lot in college.

But I shone brightest as a candy-striper.

Sick people wanted me.
Dying people wanted to be me.

I was the total candy-striping package.

Yet I remained invisible
to the one whose gaze I desired most.

NICK: Invisible? You were like
a 300-pound wall of peppermint bark.

SCHMIDT: Her badge said "RN"
for Registered Nurse.

As far as I was concerned, it said "NILH,"
"Nurse I'd Like to Hug."

Not even the baggiest scrubs
could hide her splendid form.

Where does a guy have to volunteer
to get a girl like that, huh?

I don't volunteer. I'm a man. I have a job.

In marketing.

SCHMIDT: Obviously, I was far too fat
to work in marketing...

so I got a job any dumb slob could do.

Relax, man. It's your first day.

SCHMIDT: For a Jewish giant, I had a
surprising knack for selling Christmas trees.

Not only did my center of gravity
make me freakishly strong...

but I could also sell like the wind,
because I understood one fundamental truth:

When you're buying Christmas trees,
you're really buying sex.

You always been short?
I've always been fat.

But, who cares how God made you?
Don't let him put you in a skin box.

At the end of the day, I'm a fat guy
standing in front of a short guy...

telling him
that I think we found his tree.

Wasn't long before I caught the attention
of Old Man McCue.

Christmas Tree King of Syracuse.
Inventor of triple netting.

[COOLIO'S "GANGSTER'S PARADISE"
PLAYING]

However...

In the words of the late, great
Sir Billy Joel...

Billy Joel is definitely alive,
and he's definitely not a knight.

- The good do die young.

As I walked through the valley
Of the shadow of death

I take a look at my life
And realize there's nothin' left

'Cause I've been blastin' and
laughin' so long

That even my mama thinks
That my mind is goin'

[EKG BEEPING]

When you're on your deathbed,
when your life has been lived...

you're never gonna say, "I wish
I'd spent more time with my family."

Because money and everything it buys...

you can take it with you.

[EKG FLATLINING]

Interesting. Money. Actually, the museum
job pays more than the teaching job.

[STAMMERING]

Then what are we talking about here?
Done deal. Case closed.

- Follow them ducats.
- It's not always about money, Schmidt.

Guys, look, it's almost 6,
and Candace is insanely punctual...

You know one of the best
career choices of the future?

Driveways.

You're welcome.

- Jess, the museum job pays more.
- All right.

- The decision's been made.
- No.

You know the difference
between more and less?

- Yes.
- All my decisions have been made for me.

I'm only in sports radio
because I played basketball.

I played basketball because
somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby.

What if somebody gave baby Winston
a flower? Then what would I be?

- Beekeeper.
- Hummingbird farmer.

Does water shoot out?

- If so, you'd be a hilarious comedian.
- Wait, guys, this is classic after-6 topics.

Look, there has to be more to this
than money. I want to care about what I do.

Don't you miss getting your hands dirty
and selling?

I've moved up in the world.
I'm not freezing, covered in sap.

I'm making spreadsheets.
It's like Old Man McCue used to say:

"The reward is in the destination.
It's not in the journey."

Was he wise or senile? Because he's mixed
up a lot of really well-known sayings.

Jess, you're gonna wanna listen to me.

Anyone else here named after their career?

[CHUCKLES]

People call you "Markety"?

Not yet.

Too bad. Because that's awesome.

No, no, no.

Hands up, Ulvis.

Ball screen, Vlad, come on.

There we go, yes!

Bishop, finger out of your nose. Now.

Ernie's a really good coach.

- Maybe we should call him "Coach."
- We should call him "Coach."

- You do it first. Yeah.
- Uh, Coach.

- That's a great name. High five.
- Yeah.

Now I think you see what I mean.

- No, I really don't.
COACH: My point is...

don't overthink it, Jess.
The call's coming from inside the house.

- Wha...?
- Be who you are and do what you do.

What if I don't know who I am
and I'm capable of doing a lot of things?

Then you are on your own.

Good stuff, Coach. Would it help to think
about your first day as a teacher?

I think about the first time
I ever poured a drink...

- Boo! Get off the stage.
- Nick.

That's interesting.
The first day I ever taught.

Portland Country Day...

five-time Pacific Northwest
squash champions.

Go, Rhododendrons!

If I was chalk, where would I be?

If I were chalk, where would I be?

Slip up like that in front of the
kids, Day, and they'll eat you alive.

[GASPS]

Eddie Pascucci kicked my ass
because I'm new.

Well, guess what. I'm new too.

I got lost trying to find
the upper dining garden.

Oh. That's over by the hedge maze
and the stables.

I haven't met my horse yet.

Ha, ha. Let's get you cleaned up.

All of these jackets
have cash in the pockets.

It's like a $50,000 lost and found.
Here, try this one.

Yep. You look great, Clifton.

This doesn't fit. Eddie Pascucci
beats up the unstylish.

Yeah, that's right.
We had an ethnic gay bully.

He's gonna have to come through me first.

Clifton Collins needed someone
to believe in him.

So I started tutoring him in math, and
he became the best math student in school.

Let's look him up and see
how happy and amazing he's doing.

- Yeah.
- I think that'll fire you up.

Never mind. No trace of him.

- What?
- I'm really good at this. Let me see.

- You found him. He's right here.
- No, I didn't.

- It's not him.
- Yeah, he's right there.

We're not the only ones looking.
So is the FBI.

- What?
SCHMIDT: He's a criminal.

No. Oh, my God.

"Clifton 'Baby Madoff' Collins"?

"Wanted for 53 counts of embezzlement."

- Sounds like the math took.
- Ugh! Screw me.

Like, maybe I wasn't reaching
the kids at all.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY
OVER SPEAKERS]

Okay, you know what? Miller up.

- Excuse me?
- It's like "Fill 'er up," but with Miller.

- Don't.
- I'm about to fill you up.

- That's gross.
- With my stories.

- That's disgusting.
- What's disgusting about it?

My first year of law school,
I made an important discovery.

Look left. Look right.
Next year, one of you will be gone.

What a cliché, huh?

Oh, you wrote that down?

You'll be gone. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm gonna be fine, gonna be right here.

Take it easy, guy to my right.

I discovered that I hated
being around these people.

But second year,
I made another discovery.

I hated being around myself.

So my third year, I wanted to find a place
where I belonged.

Where I could look to my left
or look to my right, and like what I saw...

SCHMIDT:
Love you in that scarf.

That place? Perhaps you guessed it.

- This very bar.
WINSTON: Get out of town. What a twist.

[THE FRAY'S "HOW TO SAVE A LIFE"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

JESS: How long has that guy been here?
NICK: Kevin-97?

Since 1997, Jess.
Why else would we call him...?

I don't know. Move it along.

True, I wasn't loving law school,
but my grades were fine.

I even signed up
for the California State Bar.

And then, one day,
Red over-served himself...

and everything changed.
JESS: You went behind the bar...

quit law school, became a bartender?
- There's more to it.

- Two minutes.
- I honestly don't know what to do.

- I have so little time.
- Hey.

Cece, have you ever questioned
your entire career?

Duh. I'm a 31-year-old model.

My last job was for a phone sex ad,
and I was the one calling.

Tell me what to do. Don't tell me
to ask the guys. I tried.

Don't tell me to think about
my first student, Clifton.

Okay, no, wait, your first student
was not Clifton.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Lady, she's still got one minute.

That was a butt dial from your mother.
She is up to no good.

Cece, bring it fast and bring it hard.
You have 53 seconds.

[SIGHS]

- Are you okay?
- Yes.

No. I think I need glasses,
unless crying makes your eyes not work.

I can't read this, but even
when I can, I don't understand it.

Crying makes your eyes work better.
After I finished Sophie's Choice...

I could see in the dark for a week.

Here's what I do when I lose mine.

Oh, this is interesting.

- We'll learn together.
- Everyone'll laugh at us.

They can drive it or milk it,
as far as I'm concerned.

I don't know what that means.
I heard my dad say it.

My dad just died.

Well, if you want to come over
and listen to mine say:

"They can drive it or milk it," you can.

He's also got one
about the turds at City Hall.

Thanks.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- I'm Cece.
- Jess.

I was your first student.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh.

Hey, Candace.

Yeah, actually...

I’m not gonna take the job.

Yeah, I'll see you Sunday. Okay. Bye.

ALL: Aah!
- Thanks, guys.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, guys.

NICK:
Good stuff.

Hey. She did it.

- You made the right call. What's wrong?
- I made the right decision.

Look, I know it's hard...

but the hard is what makes it good.

Um, is that from A League of Their Own?

My quotes are from sports movies
you don't know and seem original.

- A League of Their Own is not a sports movie.
- A sports movie.

It's about sisterhood and the war.

- Yeah.
- It's about a baseball team grinding it up.

[SINGING]
This used to be my playground

Coming right up. His sister worries
about his drinking...

so I come in early and I soak a tea bag
until the water turns brown...

and looks like booze.

I call it "tea water."

So tea.

I will take a big old glass of booze water.

Got an antacid commercial tomorrow...

and I'm playing day-old curry.
- Grim.

Well, you can bartend.
You can bartend until you're 90 years old.

Why don't you fire this down to Kevin-97.

[SIGHS]

JESS:
Oh, no.

We'll work on that.

Good morning, everybody.
Welcome to Alg-Bio-Civics.

Turn in your equations,
and you will get a frog.

Dissect carefully, because inside the frog
is the name of the City Council member...

who you will be e-mailing
to restart construction.

- Ms. Day?
- Yes.

I thought this was gonna be a disaster,
but thanks to you...

I can go upstairs to the big boys...

and tell them they can always depend...

on Dr. Alan Foster.

Yeah.

Please take his job. I'm begging you.

I'd do it myself,
but I'd never pass the psych test.

So I figure, if Foster can be a principal,
then why can't I be a principal?

- Great.
- Awesome.

- Thanks.
- Take me to the principal's office.

- Punish me for being tardy.
- You know we're right here?

- Lift up my britches.
- We'll talk about it later in my office.

After I fill up my juice box.

So, guys, just quit my job today.

- Whoa, big decision.
- What?

I said to myself, it is time
to make your own decisions.

Right on.

If it doesn't work out,
they'd have you back.

They would not like to have me back.
Burnt bridges today.

- Uh, stuff got weird. Stuff got racial.
- What?

I used a lot of swear words,
then got sexual.

Sounds like you need a drink.
What can I get you?

- Ooh. Let me get a...
- We have everything. What would you like?

You know, I'll make the decision.
Let me get...

- Double Amaretto. Extra cherries.
- That's what I was gonna say.

- Oh, dear.
SCHMIDT: Oh, my goodness.

My first shift. I'm still working on it.

- Getting better.
SCHMIDT: Great.

COACH: That was awesome.
SCHMIDT: Yeah. A natural.

["CLAVADO EN UN BAR"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

BOTH:
Hey.

Sorry I didn't let you finish your story.

- What's this?
- The end of my story.

No way.

You passed the Bar exam?

I wanted to prove to myself
that I dropped out of law school...

because I wanted to be a bartender,
and not because I couldn't be a lawyer.

This also says "Spaghetti Sandwich."

It's a great idea.
When I have an idea, I write it down.

The point is, is I want this.
You know, it makes me happy.

Here.

Now, can I get you a drink?

BOTH:
Sure.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Cheers to unemployment.

I see you're looking at a Douglas fir.

It's a beautiful tree. We move a ton
of these Dougie firs. Love them.

But I feel like you're ready
for the spruce lifestyle.

Let's spruce this up.
Let me put you in a spruce today.

What kind of ceilings do you have?
Vaulted? Cathedral?

There's no wrong answer. You look like a
confident man. You deserve a confident tree.