New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 12 - Basketsball - full transcript

[SINGING]
Ooh, slap-slap

Ooh, snap-snap

- Wow, that sounds pretty good.
- Thanks, man.

Listen, Schmidt, I've been kind of stuck...

on this whole career-search thing.
- Oh.

Think I'd be good at advertising?

- That's what you do, right?
- Advertising is a dog drinking beer.

A fat moron falling down the stairs.

A snot-nosed brat kicking his
rapping grandpa in the testicles.

- Rapping grandpa kills me though.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I'm in marketing, Winston.
The backbone of capitalism.



- Without it, you'd be dead.
- I could be good at that.

Probably not, but you can shadow me
at work to find out.

Hey-oh! Team Drugstore
back from Mission: Drugstore.

- Right, Coach?
- Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?

Yeah. Good stuff, good stuff.

- Thanks.
- So same time next week, right?

Team Drugstore? We'll go again
to the drugstore. Team Drugstore?

Agh. God, what a walnut. It's been
two months we've been living with him...

and I have yet to crack him.

We just spent an hour together,
it was like, nothing. No connection.

Don't tell me it's in my mind
because it's not.

We ran into one of his friends
and Coach said the meanest thing.

Check these out. Can you believe
these are for glaucoma?

She's my buddy's girlfriend.



You are my girlfriend. What's the deal?

- I want him to think of me as his friend.
- I hear that.

- It'll happen if it's meant to.
- I need to find a way in. I found a way...

into all of your lives, you just didn't
know it. Food. Clothes. Onesie pajamas.

- Heh. I like the butt flap.
- You think mine was food?

I can think of five other reasons
why I wanted to be your friend.

- Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek.
- That order?

Not gonna say vagina, butt cheek,
boob, butt cheek, boob.

- But that's the correct...
- Yeah.

- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?

- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?

It's Jess

Look, Nick, I need help.
Tell me about Coach. What's up with him?

- What does he like? What's he dislike?
- Coach 101: He's watching basketball.

That's all he's gonna do from October
till June. His team's the Pistons.

They were great in the '80s,
then we got Jordan.

Then they started getting good.
Then we got Thibodeau.

- And he knows that.
- Genius. Basketball. That's my way in.

You don't know about basketball.

- Come on.
- You refer to it as "baskets-ball."

That's the technically correct term, Nick.

There are two baskets.
I'm an English teacher.

Basketball's just the first step.

We sit down, we watch a game,
we have a few laughs.

Before you know it,
we'll be digging into each other's pasts.

- That's not how it works.
- Childhoods, the friendship money shot.

Men watch sports
so we don't have to talk about stuff.

- No.
- It's a real thing.

And the game doesn't have deeper meaning.
And there's no layers to it.

If I'm talking about a player overcoming
the defense to win...

that's not like I'm overcoming it.
- Come on.

Not only that, I'm a Bulls fan.

- Right, I don't understand.
- It's rivalries.

- Sharks and cats.
- Yankees, Red Sox.

- Whales and Dolphins.
- Pistons fan, Bulls fan, end of discussion.

I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert.

Yeah, definitely. This is like
a Jean Von Jert ET Vajert situation.

- So where do you do the marketing?
- Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive.

"Where do we do the marketing?"
We do the marketing everywhere.

You'll wanna take notes. You're about to
see life happen at the speed of business.

- Schmidt.
- Hello, Kim.

I have a task for you. We got a new guy.
I want you to show him around.

- Who's this?
- I'm shadowing...

Called my bluff. Don't care.
Ed? Come meet Schmidt.

Okey-dokey.

That's the new guy?
New compared to what, the moon?

Here's what happened.
Gwen turned 45, so we had to fire her.

Obviously.
So wait, Gwen's job is available?

Yeah, but grandma turned around
and filed an ageism lawsuit...

so we hired Bran Flakes here
to cover our ass. Just do it.

- All right, I'll do it.
- Here I am.

Okay. I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted
you to learn from the best.

Well, actually, they said your office
was closest to the can.

I got a prostate the size of an avocado.

- "Closest to the can."
- Do not write that down.

Is it not closest to the can?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes.

Hey... Whoa.

[COUGHS]

It stays sealed off
during basketball season.

Plus, I dropped some olives under the bed.
Can't reach them.

I got little pinchers.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Yo, yo, oh, oh.

Hey, so...

I was gonna watch
the Pistons of Detroit game.

Don't have the reach for that.
Good thing I got legs.

- You like the Pistons?
- Oh, yeah...

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I'm dead serious.

- Agh!
- So you in?

It?d be cool to watch it on a big TV.

- I found your olives.
- Oh, you did?

- Thought they were gonna be in ajar.
- No.

This is a big part of the biz, my man.
Networking. Face time.

Making deals. Normally this would have
a much sexier businessman's vibe.

But not when I'm not dragging around
this old drooling potato.

- Potato? Yeah, I could split a baked potato.
- What a life you must've lead.

- Tell us about the streetcar, will you?
- It was a dynamite way to get around.

Get from Pasadena to the beach...

- Hey.
- I'll take another of these.

- Sure.
- You know, I can't help but think that I am...

just following another bad lead
with this marketing thing.

All I'm doing is taking a bunch of notes
from Schmidt.

What's this?
"Seems befuddled and totally lucid"?

- "Smells too clean"?
- Those are just notes about Ed.

That dude is way more interesting
than marketing.

If I'm gonna take Gwen's job,
become the next CIO of Ass Strat...

I can't just embrace modernization.
I gotta make babies with it.

Do you know what I mean? It's time
to unveil my baby: Micro-marketing.

Yeah, we target our messages directly
to the individual consumer.

What a good idea. They're gonna hold
a ticker-tape parade for you...

in the Jewish part of town.
- That's right. The Jewish part.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
ON TV]

COACH: Unh.
- Nothing but net.

Traditionally, "nothing but net" refers to
hitting nothing but inside of the net.

- Oh?
- So, yeah, no.

Ah, time-out.

Butt bump.

- What?
- I'm ready.

- What's a butt...?
- Come on.

All right.

- Hey, hey. What is that?
- It's the Pistons butt bump.

I didn't know your girlfriend was a Pistons
fan. Ha, ha. That's gotta suck for you, man.

But I guess everything sucks for you
when you root for the Bulls. Ah, ha!

- Butt bump. Ooh.
- Ooh.

Cool, cool, cool.
So you're a Pistons fan, Jess?

[MOUTHS] It's working.

- Suck it, Bulls.
- Yeah, suck it, Bulls.

COACH: The worst team in the league. - It's
the worst team in the league. All right.

- Who's the worst team in the league? Ha, ha.
- The Bulls.

[SINGING]
The Bulls are the worst team in the league

Hey.

So it went really well today.

I think Coach and I are really connecting.

Come on, what is that?

What do you mean?

What? Oh, Coach gave this to me.

How cute is this shirt?

Don't take this wrong,
but I need you to get out of my bed.

- Because of this shirt?
- Hundred percent because of the shirt.

- Oh, you're serious.
- Can't have you in my bed in a Pistons shirt.

- Oh, my God.
- I need you to get out of the bed.

- I tried being cool, but it's not cool.
- Really?

- Really.
- It's just basketball.

- Why are you taking this personally?
- Because it's personal, Jess.

It's my team. It's the city that I'm from.

It's most of my relationship with my dad.

RIP, by the way. Michael Jordan is the first
man that taught me that I could love a man.

And the Pistons are our rivals.

They're like in Hamlet,
the McCauls and the Hackspears.

You're my girlfriend now,
so you gotta be a Bulls fan.

That's the whole point.
Coach just thinks of me as your girlfriend.

I want him to know me for me.
Do you want me to be friends with Coach?

I... I absolutely do. Yes.

Why can't I be a Pistons fan until we become
friends, and then switch to the Bulls?

Every year you pick a new team? You meet
a new friend, you're a fan of that?

- I could never trust you.
- Can we just have sex now?

I'm sorry, you can't be a Pistons fan,
I forbid it.

- It has to be this way.
- You can't forbid me to do stuff.

That's just not...
That's not within your power.

- I just did.
- The shirt stays.

Jessica, you're leaving me no options.
I'm gonna have to turn off the tap.

- What tap?
- The sex tap.

- But I need my vitamin D.
- As long as you're wearing that shirt...

the tap is off. No more hot water.

All right, fine then.
My shirt and I will go sleep in my bed.

Oh, what happened to your Pistons jersey?

Did you rip it off and rush in here
because she gotta have it?

- Is this still a thing?
- It's still a thing.

No sex as long as you're a Pistons fan.

You can't use sex to manipulate...
What are you doing?

Just brushing my dirty teeth.

- They're filthy.
- Do not challenge me to a sex standoff.

I can channel sexual energy into knitting.
How do you think I made it through school?

It's good when you go fast and then slow.
Make the teeth wait for it.

- You're on.
- Ah...!

Oh! Oh!

BOTH:
Oh!

- Yeah. Turnover. Go. Go.
- Yeah. Dunk it from the downtown.

Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith?

You better listen to my friend,
she knows what she's talking about.

- Did you just call me your friend?
- Mm?

What's up, guys?

Two minutes in
and the Pistons are already down by 10.

- What a drag.
- The heck are you wearing?

- This my Scottie Pippens, yeah.
- [MOUTHS] Get out.

I'm just checking up on you.
Need a refresher?

- You need your vitamin D?
- No.

Jessica.

- Three-point play!
- Oh, yeah!

- That's what I'm talking about.
- We're talking about the same thing...

my friend and I.

Do my berries make you hungry?

[SPITS]

Mm.

- Refreshing.
- Just drink the water, Nick.

- You're turning yourself on now.
- I really am, yeah.

Next order of business...

Kim, if I may present an idea very quickly
to the group. Now, I know...

- Micro-marketing.
- What?

Has this company ever considered targeting
its messages to individual consumers?

Big date is knocking. Let's open the door.

- Just a thought.
- Interesting.

Ed, look into that and present it
to the board ASAP. Great job.

I'd hug you,
but you smell like a public library.

- What are you doing?
- I may be dirty, but I play old.

You said that wrong.

And yet I got my paw wrapped around
your avocados.

What is with you and avocados? Sorry.

- You're never gonna believe what Ed did.
- He stabbed you in the back.

- That's what happened. How'd you do that?
- I figured him out, Schmidt.

That liver spot out-sharked me.
Can you believe that? I'm... I'm a minnow.

Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea
to the board, and then he's gonna get...

He's gonna get the promotion.
My career is toast.

Minnow toast.
Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him.

The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark and
then lays down on the toast to be eaten.

There is too much going on
in whatever metaphor you're trying.

It somewhat made... Oh, forget it. Ed wins.
I'm a mess.

Hell no, Schmidt.
Justice has to be served, all right?

- Mm-hm.
- Right. Let us stop Ed.

The minnow needs to get up off of...
No. Off of the toast mat...

and fish-fight his way
to the Orangutan Ball.

I just don't understand
why they keep giving these games away!

You know what it was?
That turnover in the third quarter.

- Right.
- Yeah. I'll show you.

- I could just take your word for it.
- Let's do it from the beginning.

You wanna watch the game
we just watched...

all over again?
- Mm-hm.

- With both overtimes?
- Mm-hm.

Great.

- Looking for somebody?
- Just doing a bed check.

And you are accounted for, so...

- See you.
- So how's it going?

- You guys bonding over basketball, Jess?
- We're actually this close...

to moving past basketball
and into real friendship, so...

- Great.
- Feeling good about it.

After the Pistons lost, did he get
really sad and talk to you about it?

About how he felt,
and you guys became besties after?

Or did that not happen
because that's not the way men are?

The Pistons lost
so you must be feeling pretty good.

- Oh, I'm happy. Heh, yeah.
- Yeah?

- You feeling excited?
- Mm-hm.

- Worked up?
- Yeah.

Ready to cave?

- I've never been stronger.
- Oh, yeah?

So if I just read you a description of what
a piston does, you know, on my phone...

it wouldn't affect you at all?
Is that what you're saying?

It's just a rod that
transfers, unh, force...

from the crank...

What is this,
a seduction class for kindergarteners?

Watch the master work.

Unh. Unh.

Ooh.

How about this?

A little Paula Abdul stuff?

Ooh.

- Yeah. We doing this?
- Ha, ha.

- Ha!
- What are you doing?

Ball's in my court now, pal. Ha, ha!

I'm turning off my tap
until you become a Pistons fan.

- That wasn't part of the deal.
- It is now.

SCHMIDT: I can't figure out
my counterstrike, Winston.

All we know about Ed
is he's old and cranky.

And he baffles me
because I'm so darn young and pleasant.

We just gotta get insight
into his old, cranky mind.

- We have to find an older, crankier mind.
- How are we gonna find an older mind?

Hey, where you guys getting
your photos developed these days?

I got these beefcake selfies
that I wanna dangle in front of Jess.

Get her engine revved up.

Your phone has a camera, Nick.

These are sexy, sensual, private pics.

I don't want them beamed
right into Snowden's pocket.

I'm not going through Wikiwigs.
It's not for me.

- Analog, it's the only thing you can trust.
- Care to elaborate on this analog thing?

You never know what's gonna happen
with a phone.

- Right.
- The hinges that hold the flip together...

- Flip.
they get loosened over time.

Then once you open it...

it's easier for people to go in
and see your passwords and codes.

Once the screen breaks,
your information's in the Twitterverse.

It's out there for everyone to see.

All these little monkey elves, these kids.
That's all they do.

[BABBLES]

Get your information. Bottom line is
you can't control your technology.

That's what's going on in Japan
with all those robots.

Not for me. That's why I trust a hard copy.

- Plain and simple.
- Hard copy, Schmidt.

- Nice work.
- Thank you.

You know, if you're gonna be taking
boudoir shots, please consult me.

I have a series of poses that many people,
including myself, find very sexy.

Here's one. I call it the half nelson.

- Yeah, I didn't do that.
- This is called Guy Fieri.

- Just taste the sauces.
- Black licorice.

- Ooh. Yeah.
- You're welcome.

- Schmidt's dead wrong.
- Oh, yeah?

- I got hot pics in here.
- I don't care.

There's me as a sexy mayor, looking out
the window deciding the future of my city.

It's gotta get her going.
Daddy needs his cookie.

- Just wear the damn Pistons jersey.
- Oh, my God, I've gotta end this.

What time is it? Ha-ha-ha.

- Game time. Ha-ha-ha.
- Yeah.

It's my favorite time,
other than medieval time.

Yeah, all right. Huh?

- What the?
- What the...?

- Let me see what's wrong.
- No, I'll do it. It's okay.

[GASPS]

No! Oh, my God, a mouse...
Rat or... Some creature.

- I gotta go watch it in my room.
- Wait, no, no, no, Coach, Coach.

Look, since we can't watch the game, why
don't we have a nice long chat over coffee?

- What?
- You know, just talk, hang out.

- What?
- Then coffee turns to dinner...

dinner turns to weekly dinner, and before
you know it, I'm best man at your wedding.

Do we have to?

I really want... Okay.

- You start.
- Me?

Hey, you wanna do this over food?

Yes. Yes.

No. No, no, no.

No! Come on. Get your head out of your ass
so you can see where you're going.

Damn it. Agh!

- Okay.
- What?

I have to say it. Coach, I...

- I don't like basketball.
- What?

There's like no fun parts.

There's no themes.

Men should not be wearing
tank tops ever.

Why you pretending to like basketball?

- Because I wanted to be friends with you.
- Dude.

You're my buddy's girlfriend. We're
watching the game. What's the problem?

- What else do you want?
- No, you're right. I'm just...

I'm just Nick's girlfriend, so...

Enjoy the game. Okay.

- Where you going?
- I'm just...

[MUTTERING]

Jess, where you...?

Jess.

Ladies, you all look like a hundred bucks.
I hope someone's taking you out...

for oysters Rockefeller tonight.

Before I begin, my little helper here will
distribute some handouts for your reference.

You know what? I'm really sorry,
the company printers are on the fritz...

so little helper that I am, decided
to load everything up onto the laptop.

There you go.

Ha, ha. Well, I'm sure there's a printer that
works. I'll just wait for the hard copies.

I broke all the printers.

I'm gonna beat you
with an orange in a sock.

Besides, we're talking about
technology, aren't we?

Be silly to talk about technology
without using technology.

- Right, Kim?
- Use the technology, Ed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[HUMMING]

My left arm. My neck.

You got me this time, Hebrew,
but I'll be back.

This is why the cutoff's at 45, ladies.

[GASPING]

Okay, okay.

Jess, you win. I'm all backed up.

I'm even fantasizing about Winston.

- Where is she, dude?
- Ha-ha-ha!

- Don't do that laugh.
- Ha!

- What are you wearing, dude?
- It's for sex.

- [SING-SONGY] You like the Pistons.
- Why don't you shut up, Coach?

[LAUGHING]

- Where's Jess?
- What is up with that girl?

One minute we're watching the game, next,
she's calling me a jerk and storming out.

She wants to be your friend.
Any idiot can see that.

We were being friends. We were watching
the game. It was an awesome game.

- Okay, maybe she wants more than that.
- Like what?

- You wanna know a trick?
- Absolutely.

This is how you get in.

Know when you're driving in your car
and you have a random thought like:

- "I wonder if seals are friends"?
- Yeah. Or like:

"I wanna text
but there's a cop behind me."

- That's not the one.
- Why'd T. Rex have little arms?

Don't finish. I knew...

An itch in their crotch,
how did they scratch it?

I mean more
sweet kind of emotional stuff.

Like, if you combed a gorilla's hair,
would it like it?

- Like, I've never seen a baby pigeon before.
- Exactly.

Tell that to her
and you get a friend for life.

Now, excuse me, sex awaits.

Jess, you win.

I wanna take you, respectfully.

- Come here.
- Take the jersey off. Actually, leave it on.

Oh.

SCHMIDT: To Winston.
- Hear, hear.

As a thank you, I'd like to get you a job
at Ass Strat. I'll make you a real Ass man.

Mm...

I don't know, man. I kind of liked the part
where we just get to analyze evidence.

- Connect the dots a little bit.
- Yeah.

- Live inside someone else's mind.
- Spoken like a true marketing analyst.

I don't know.
I kind of wanna be free of a desk as well.

Roam the streets a little bit.
Sniff out clues.

- You guys get doughnuts in the morning?
- You ever thought of being a cop?

- I think you'd be great.
- I can see it.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

You've already got high cholesterol
and weird people skills. Officer Bishop.

- I like the way that sounds.
- It'd be nice to justify that mustache.

It's a hell of a mustache.

- What's that mean? That was from a movie.
- Training Day's my favorite movie.

- Understand that's not what being a cop is?
- I wanna drop fools.

- If you think this means you can yell at me...
- You damn right.

That's what that means. I apologize.

Jess.

[SINGS] Jessica Day

I just wanna say that, um,
I would love to be your friend.

I know I'm crazy about the Pistons...

but it's because Detroit was the city
I lived in the longest as a kid.

I lived in like six different states
by the time I was 10.

At a certain point
I just stopped trying to make friends.

Agh.

[GRUNTS]

I got real comfy on that.

- Really?
- A lot easier saying...

bye to your buddy's girlfriend
than it is your friend.

Well, I'm not gonna be saying goodbye
to you anytime soon. Except for right now.

Gonna do a butt bump?

Butt...? You're probably doing
your own butt bumps.

Cool. I know you guys are already done.