New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 13 - Birthday - full transcript

[CECE SCATTING]

CECE: Birthday eve cocktail.
- Oh, my God.

You're my favorite bartender. Thank you.

[VOICE CRACKING]
Oh, my God. What is that?

Not good? I'm still learning how
to make drinks. I'm better at shots.

- Want a birthday shot?
- I think I'm good.

So any special birthday plans?

No, she's just gonna
go to the movies alone.

No, I'm not actually. This year,
Nick asked me to spend the day with him.

That's so sweet. What you gonna do?
Something special?

Maybe. Whatever Nick wants to do.
I'm not really a birthday person.



- Please.
- I do have a lot of expectations for people.

- Happy birthday.
- Oh, my God.

"Made in China"?
Are you taking me to China?

That's why, a long time ago...

I decided that I would spend
my birthday alone at the movies.

It's just safer, you know. No getting
your hopes up. No getting let down.

I know how you feel about movies.

I mean, my parents took me to see Witness
and then they never came back.

- What?
- I can really quote that movie.

[IN AMISH ACCENT]
"Be careful out among them English."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
But enough about me.

I am talking your ear off, lady,
and it's your birthday.

This year's different.
Maybe Nick has something big planned...

maybe not. I'm going to be chill.
No expectations.



Low maintenance. No maintenance.

I'm gonna be one of those
cool girlfriends, like in movies.

She has bed head and wears men's shirts
and she's just like, "Yeah, cool.

I'll wear, like, men's shirts and sneakers.
I don't care about how I look."

Hey, hey.

She has no idea about the party.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

- Awesome.
- Uh, Winston's STD free.

Yeah!

[MEN CHEERING]

Whoo! Close call. Yeah.

Yeah. Close call, y'all.

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

Know how hard it's been
for me to keep this party a secret?

Nick, it's been an inspiration.

We're gonna help you cross that
finish line. This is our Rudy.

- Condescending. Thank you.
- Right on.

All right, team check in.
Where we at with decorations?

- I forgot.
- Wait, what?

Psych. Ha-ha-ha. I'm the best at stuff.
I don't forget stuff.

First place.

Wait, why are you first place?
I dominated on cake patrol.

Thank you for that.
You don't have to add "patrol."

Decorations beats cake.

Uh, no, cake definitely beats decorations.

- Oh, really? Let's do a word association.
- I'm in.

- Birthday.
- Decorations. Wait, what did I say?

Schmidt, you ready to transport
all electronics to the party venue?

Do you mean this itty-bitty flash drive
that I can fit in my pocket...

and that is light as air?
- I need verbal confirmation.

You insult me. Yes.

- You ready to cover my shift tomorrow?
- Born ready. Yes.

Oh. You're giving your Saturday to Cece?
That's cool.

That's really wonderful.

- Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
- Absolutely.

- I'm ready.
- You set fire to soda water.

Who does that?
How do you possibly do that?

It's not a flammable thing.
It's not even...

- Are you a witch?
- Mike.

MIKE:
I hate all of you hipsters so much.

I'm gonna be on Jess watch,
make sure she doesn't see anything...

that will ruin the surprise of this
party that has taken everything from me...

emotionally and physically
and financially.

- So, what do you have planned for the day?
- A big surprise party.

- Next.
- Right. But before then.

The party's at 7.
What do you have planned before that?

- Wha...?
- Nick, you need a plan.

I don't care with Jess says,
she's going to expect something.

- Birthday before the birthday?
- The whole day is the birthday.

This is your first birthday together
as a couple.

All right, you know what?
It's gonna be okay. It's her birthday.

That girl is going to wanna sleep in.

My day is not starting until noon.

[ALARM BLARING]

This is the time I was born.

I'm wide awake.

[WHISPERING] It's my birthday.

[WHISPERING] I didn't know...

Day started earlier than I thought.
I gotta slow down breakfast.

- What's going on with you guys?
- First of all, blessings.

Second of all, there may have been
a possible mix up with the cake. Possibly.

NICK: "See you in hell, Boomer"?
Oh, my God.

What part of you
thought this was Jess' cake?

- Thought it was an inside joke.
- I'll do it.

- No, I am the cake patrol.
- Both of you do the cake.

- I consider this problem solved.
- Speaking of problems...

want me to check up on Cece?
- Not necessary.

All right, I'll do it
but you owe me one, bro.

I need to make a 90-minute omelet.

I love my birthday breakfast.

I can't believe you were gonna make this
all yourself.

- With your help, it took six minutes.
- I know, I'm so fast.

What do you say we go into my bedroom
and, uh, slow things down?

Ooh, ha, ha.

Wow, that's the fastest it's ever taken.

Yeah, I know, you just look very pretty.

[JESS CHUCKLES]

So you wanna take a long nap?

Oh. Um...

If that's what you have planned, then yes.
Let's take a long nap.

Perfect. Maybe for like 6, 7 hours.

JESS:
Hmm.

- It's just such a nice day out.
- Yeah, um, so let's take...

Let's take this party outside.

- Sure.
- Next up on the agenda is lunch.

- It's 8:30 in the morning.
- Oh, my God. It's so early.

- What are you doing here?
- Nick thought you might need help.

Yeah, well, I don't, okay? So you can go.

Maybe I'll just stay for a little bit.
Double tap Insta-G's.

Oh, hey, Mike. Cleaned the glasses.

Broken glass in the ice tub.
That'll be fun for me to clean up.

- Sorry...
- I'm not gonna cover for you like Nick.

I promise. And don't make eyes at me.
It's not gonna work. I'm super gay.

When I look at you, I just see...
You know, it's fine.

But it's bumpy, it's creepy.
Eh...

Doesn't do anything.
It's like looking at this, it's like a...

It's not a good... It's not good.

- Okay.
- This, all this, everything you've got.

Eh...

Three out of six.

Damn shame about that cake, Winston.

Looks like someone dominated
their party task.

Coach, where are all the kazoos?

All over your face.

I'll pick those up.

Or maybe in my spare time,
I will make a cake.

[BLOWING NOISEMAKER
SUGGESTIVELY]

- Just back off, Coach.
- What's up, Nick?

- How's the cake situation?
- Can I see the phone real quick? Got it.

Hey, cake is good man. I am on top of it.
How's your plan working out?

I have no plan, I am just winging it.

I panicked, took her to a drug store.
She's getting a diabetes test.

Is it safe to take her home?

- Hey.
- Oh, the birthday girl.

I got the test.
My blood sugar is normal.

- Already? You did all that already?
- Yeah.

Birthday girl gets all your favorite...
Next activity.

I see what you're trying to do.
Show me up.

What are you talking about, bitch?

I'm referring to basketball.
When we used to play...

no matter how open I was, you never
passed me the ball. Never let me shoot.

You just couldn't stand to let me shine.

Your nostrils are flaring so much
right now. It is distracting.

I'm done letting you run the court.
I'm building my own court.

And it's gonna be bigger
and yummier than yours.

Are you challenging me
to a bake-off, bitch?

- Yes, I am challenging you to a bake off.
- Okay.

Well, then I'll do the countdown.

Know what? I'll do the countdown.

The countdown begins
when this timer goes off.

[TIMER TICKING]

[EXHALES AGGRESSIVELY]

You set the timer for 20 minutes.

[WINDING TIMER]

I'm gonna make a cake so moist,
girls are gonna be like:

"Ew, why do you say 'moist'?
I hate that word."

I'll be like, "Just taste the cake."

They're gonna be like, "Damn, it's moist."

- And bake. I said it first.
- Bake. I said it first.

WINSTON: I said it first.
- I said it first.

A customer ordered an old fashioned and
she got gin in a mug with a peanut in it.

- I'll fix it.
- Make me an old fashioned now...

or I call the manager.

I wanna talk to him anyway
because he's just gorgeous.

I wanna be a barnacle on his ship.
Just hanging on by my mouth.

Getting all the nutrients I need.

Old fashioned, old fashioned, old fashioned.
It probably has something like absinthe.

Oh, the old fashioned.
One of my favorite drinks.

A classic cocktail.

First, a half ounce of simple syrup.

A splash of water. Two dashes of bitters.

Mix that up with some ice
and then, you know...

my personal favorite,
you know, and far be it for me...

but the bourbon whiskey.
Two ounces of bourbon whiskey.

No. It's not the Scotch whiskey.

Certainly not the vermouth.
Vermouth would be insane.

Yes, the bourbon whiskey. My favorite.

Wonderful.

Look at that. Old fashioned.

[CECE CLEARS THROAT]

Old fashioned.

Oh, my stars and garters.
You made a drink.

Holy crud.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes, Nick. I have the electronics.

Do you know any, like, time-consuming
and free activities in Griffith Park?

Gross. Suicide?

Schmidt, please, I need some...

Just figure it out, dude.

Uh, it's my mom.

Okay. Found the biggest rock
I could carry.

- It was this one. It's heavy.
- It's huge, yeah.

Oh, my God. What are we doing here?

It's not that I'm not having fun.
Because I am.

It's okay if you didn't plan anything
for my birthday.

- Are you kidding?
- Really, Nick.

Not only did I plan something
but my plan is about to blow your mind.

- Honestly.
- You need to trust me a little...

because everything is about to be made
very clear very soon.

Oh, my God. Nick.

- You're the best.
- I'm amazing.

- I'm so surprised.
- I'm so surprised.

- This is amazing.
- Amazing.

- This is amazing. Yay.
- Oh, son of a bitch. Don't touch anything.

- It'll ruin the surprise. Yeah.
- Yay.

- Yay.
- Yeah.

- Yay.
- Jess, let's get out of here...

before anything ruins this moment.
Wait. Because we got a whole ceremony.

No.

That lady took my birthday.

What is happening?

- Jess, look, look, I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.

Nick. I just... I don't know why
I get so crazy about birthdays.

You know, it's crazy.

Because you had a very fun day
put together. Eggs and sex.

And a really long uphill walk.

And look, that's amazing for you.
You know?

- For me?
- You're not a guy who plans things.

- Maybe I am.
- Look, every day...

you show me in your own way
how you care about me.

Like when you pick up rubber bands
on the sidewalk.

- For your ponytails.
- I could not be more fine.

I'm super-chill.

I'm just gonna go home for a second.

- Let's keep... Jess.
- Bye. Don't follow me.

- Sure you know how to tap a keg?
- How hard could it be? It's beer.

It's the drink of idiots.

- Nick told me something... There's a knob.
- Cece, I got it.

- I got it in.
- If I turn, I should be able to...

CECE: Oh, my God.
SCHMIDT: Oh, no.

- Turn it off.
CECE: I'm sorry.

- Turn it off.
CECE: It just...

You butthole.

You can't do anything right, can you?

I'm so sorry.

He's right though.
I can't do anything. No skills.

I never told you.
I didn't even graduate high school.

A lot of people never graduated high
school. Einstein. Bill Gates. Anne Frank.

- I'm gonna take back that last one.
- Why did I think that I could bartend?

Because you can.

You are strong and you are confident.
Those are skills. Use them.

Be a little bit meaner to the people here.
It should be easier. Pretend they're me.

[CHUCKLES]

You're right, that is easy.

And pull your shirt down a bit.
This isn't a monastery.

- Do not push your luck with me.
- I'll look away.

- You're wearing paper towels.
- No, its environmental friendly...

- Recyclable.
- Behind. Behind.

- Really, okay?
- Behind.

WINSTON: Behind.
- Behind.

WINSTON: Whoa, behind.
- Behind.

WINSTON:
Behind. Ha, ha.

- And so you... Whoa.
- Behind.

Behind. In front. Behind.

[SOBBING]

- It's Jess. I mean, it's Jess. Hey.
- What's up, girl? What are you doing home?

- I'm great. I'm great.
- [WHISPERING] Behind.

- [WHISPERING] Behind.
- How is your day going?

- Good?
- Are you crying?

- I got mine off first.
- No, you didn't.

- Rest up.
- What a day, guys.

- Really long.
- Bet you had a long day, huh?

I'm really fine.

I had a real day. You know?

- I'm disappointed in Nick.
- Yeah. You gotta let that out.

I'm disappointed in myself because
I'm disappointed in Nick, you know?

- I feel you.
- That's messed up.

- Let it out.
- I'm getting up.

No, no, no. Hey.
Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

I want you to close your eyes.
Breathe deep.

And go to the most magical place on Earth:
Your imagination.

- Have you been baking?
- No, a bakery downtown exploded.

Don't look into it, it's
not on the Internet.

- Yeah, she is here. What happened?
- She doesn't think I can do anything...

or plan anything and it feels like crap.
Maybe she's right.

Why did I think I could pull this off?

Pretty sure I'm having a heart attack...

and I haven't arranged for anybody
to clear my Internet history.

I wasn't building a bomb,
I was just curious.

You got a team of friends pulling for you.

Just get home. You can still pull this off.

- Hey, Mike.
- What?

Cleaned the beer trap,
I polished the wine glasses...

and I turned that penis graffiti
in the bathroom into a whimsical hat.

Now, my friend and I
have to go to a party.

All right, Schmidt. Let's go.

- You called me your friend.
- Did I?

No matter what we see...

I want you to know that it's been
an honor working with you.

You too, man.

Look at that.

Oh, my God.

- Man.
- Our, uh, cakes merged.

It looks as if they have.

[DOOR OPENS]

NICK: Hey.
- Aah.

- Team check in, where we at?
- Our cakes became double cake.

Two cakes.

NICK: Two cakes became one?
- Two cakes.

- Fantastic. I'll go get Jess.
- Cool.

Jess?

Hey, guys.

- What's up, man?
- She's at the movies.

This might actually work.
Come on.

More. More.

More.

Uh, and okay. I think we're good.

Same to the second one.

Hey, Jess. It's Nick.

You obviously knew that.

I know this is where you always go
on your birthday to be by yourself.

But I thought this year you might want
a little company.

- Mind if I sit?
- Look under the seat.

Now please read the card. I'll wait.

- How did you know I was gonna sit here?
- I put one under every seat.

- You gotta go fast. The timing.
- Okay.

"My name is Jess
I like to wear tights

It's dark in this room
So let's turn on the lights"

[ALL CHEERING]

That's enough. Timing, guys. Timing.

WINSTON: In the beginning, there was
nothing, then there was light and dark...

and oceans and birds and stuff.
Then there was Jess.

JESS:
Nick, this was the plan all along?

- What do I think of when I think of Jess?
- When I think of Jess...

- Okay.
- When I think about Jess...

I think of how sweet she is
and how smart she is.

- Glasses and the hair thing.
- I think of dance parties and sleepovers.

Jess does not like being tackled.

Eyes. Two eyes.

Happy birthday, Miss Day.

Your youthful exuberance exhausts me.

May it fade with each passing year.

She made me try papayas. That was cool.

They are super soft inside.

Jess is the upstairs lady.

There is a...
I feel like I'm not doing this right.

Ha-ha-ha. You make mistakes.

Happy birthday to my best work friend.

Tina, if you see this, I'm sorry.

I feel like we've drifted apart
after Jeremy's cocaine thing.

It was awkward.

"When the stirrups of life start to
feel like the speculum of old age..."

I'm not reading this.

Happy birthday, Jess.
Your boyfriend is sweet.

And simple.
And will not get out of my waiting room.

I saw a squirrel once. It looked like Jess.

Then it attacked my sister
so I had to beat it with a stick.

And then it didn't look like Jess anymore.

Happy birthday. It's Bearclaw.

[SINGING] Birthdaying
Winston is about to do some...

He said a bunch but it was weird
and racist.

Happy birthday, Miss Day.
Yay!

What I remember most of all
is the pain.

Honestly. It was 36
hours, more than that...

of just searing, ripping...
And then:

[MIMICKING BABY CRYING]

[LAUGHS]

Out you came, the most beautiful,
beautiful little baby...

I ever saw in my life
and I forgot all the pain.

When you were born, I got a deli sandwich
at the hospital cafeteria.

And then there was a baby.

Happy birthday to my oldest
and best friend.

- Happy birthday, Miss Day.
- Happy birthday.

- Birthday.
- Happy birthday, Jess.

- Happy birthday, Jess.
- Happy birthday. Bearclaw.

I love you. Happy birthday.

Happy, happy birthday.

You have a cool boyfriend.

This is the coin I had in my pocket
the first night we kissed.

And I always have it.

Happy birthday, Jess.

[SINGING] Happy birthday to you

ALL [SINGING]:
Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Jess

Where'd she?

Hey, Jess. I'm so sorry.
That was cheesy and embarrassing.

I didn't have great talent to work with.
Winston was terrible.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

[WHISPERS] And I'm sorry.

SCHMIDT:
Shh, shh!

It's starting.

[CAR LOCK BEEPS]

Happy birthday, Jess.

- That was so stupid.
- What is wrong with you?

- You should be ashamed...
- Come on, Schmidt.

Quit it.

[DINOSAURS ROARING]

[SCHMIDT YELLS]

Boo.

SCHMIDT: What the hell, man?
This is an important vehicle for me.