New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 1 - All In - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on New Girl:
Ripped By mstoll

We're at a wedding together.

Shut up and listen,
Cece doesn't wanna get married.

I'm sorry, everyone, but I can't do this.
They want us to be with someone else.

Are you in love with her or with me?

You have to decide.

We tried.

We had one night.

- What happened with Jess?
- We called it.

When things get messy, you just run away.

I know you think we should call it.



But I don't wanna give up on this.

[THE VACCINES' "I ALWAYS KNEW"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Down, down...

You know what, I gotta say, Jess,
I really like you.

I really, really like you.

- I can't believe this is happening. It's crazy.
- I know. I can't either.

- It's crazy. I like you so much.
- I like you so much.

- Like... I just...
- Yeah.

- What? I'm in.
- I'm in.

You know? I'm...

- I'm just all in.
- I'm all in. I'm, like, weirdly all in.

- Nick?
- What?

Pull over.



You talk to me

NICK: Ha, ha. Well, that was fun.
- Ha, ha.

We finally broke in the Volvo. Oh, my.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What's next? What do we do now?

I'm really fighting the urge
to buy you a lobster dinner.

Do we just go home?

BOTH:
Heh.

- Jess, how is it actually going to work?
- Yeah.

We've only been dating 30 minutes
and we're already living together.

What if you get tired of me?

You have nowhere to go, we're roommates,
you'd have to sleep in your car...

Hey, stop, that's not gonna happen.

I've wanted this for so long,
I don't want anything to go wrong.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

It's Schmidt.

- He's freaking out.
- He doesn't need to reach you all the time.

- You know, you're right. I'll ignore it for now.
- Yeah. It's about us right now.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

It's Schmidt.
He wants to know where you are.

He texted you to ask where I am? Ugh.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

He just texted I'm a bad friend.
Do you know what that is?

Either male genitalia
or a really big thumbs down.

- Why would he send...?
- Can't he talk to Winston?

- They get weird and fight.
- This is what I'm talk...

[BOTH CELL PHONES BEEPING]

How many times a day
does Schmidt text you?

- I don't know, just, like, 40.
- How...?

See this is what I'm talking about.
I feel like we need time alone.

So we can figure out what this is.

Yes, this is what I want. I wanna be with you,
alone, without anybody else.

- Just you and...
- Where have you been?

I'm having a crisis. You guys are driving around,
French kissing like a couple of Dutch hookers?

What is that? Is that a hickey? Disgusting.

Hey, you guys,
um, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Now, I know everyone's going through a lot,
but I think it is time for me to start a puzzle.

What is going on with you two? Are you
a couple? Have you thought this through?

Please help me, okay?
Stop being so selfish and just help me.

- Give me one minute, I'll be right inside.
- We'll be right in.

- We gotta figure something out.
- All right. Thanks, man.

- The gang's back together.
- We'll be right in.

- We'll be right in.
- Love you guys.

BOTH:
Run!

- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?

It's Jess

Well, Winston, after 25 unanswered text
messages to Nick and Jess this morning...

...I finally received a response.
A smiley face.

This leaves us with one choice.

- To become best friends.
- Huh? Yeah, fine.

For re...? Okay, great.
Now, as my best friend...

...I expect you to sacrifice everything for me
at a moment's notice.

- Including, unfortunately for you, your dignity.
- Fine.

Winston, what can I do for you?

Don't talk to me that much, never lie to me,
never, ever touch my puzzle.

Do we think now
is really the right time to be starting a puzzle?

I'm great at puzzles!

You're a born puzzler, Winston, sure.

Um, but don't you agree
that sometimes when you start puzzles...

...you get a little bit weird and,
I don't know, intense?

You spend a lot of time humming.
You also spend a lot of time naked.

I'm gonna do you, puzzle.
Right on the table. As nasty as you wanna be.

- What do you think it's gonna look like?
- What?

- Yeah, the puzzle.
- Winston, it's on the box.

The picture's on the box.
It's a Japanese garden.

Schmidt, calm down, what is your problem?

Two women are in love with me.
Problem is I'm in love with both of them.

- Looks like you're gonna have to choose.
- Cece and I have this connection.

You know, it's physical, it's unhealthy.

I don't want to get too graphic,
but I'm not just a plug with her.

I'm also a socket.

God. Okay, fine, Schmidt, choose Cece.

- Yeah, but I was dating Elizabeth first, so...
- Mm-hm.

- Wait, I was dating Elizabeth first.
- You wanna know what I think?

No, I don't. Done. Decided. Ha.

Cece, out. I was dating Elizabeth first.

- My man, way to talk that out. Best friends.
- Yeah. Best friends.

- This is gonna work out, man.
- Yeah, gonna work out, man.

[SINGING]
Puzzlin'!

Winston is about to do some puzzlin'!

About to get into some puzzle troublin'!

So, in conclusion...

...you know, it's a very difficult decision
that I've had to...

That you guys have put me in, here,
but I just... I'm going to be candid...

I've been up for 24 hours.
I have to return all of these gifts.

So just say it. You don't want to be with me.

Wha...? Huh?

I just looked down, I thought, "This girl
must be wearing sneakers with shoelaces.

And those shoelaces must be tied together
because this girl is straight tripping, yo."

- What?
- Of course I want to be with you.

Mm.

But I feel so terrible for Elizabeth.
How did she take it?

She took it.

In a marketplace of ideas where culture is king
and data moves faster than people...

...where scalable opportunities
come from turn-key solutions.

What are you trying to say, Schmidt?
Is it over?

No. No.

As if!

Of course I picked you. It wasn't close.
Come here, you crazy white girl.

There it is.

- Poor Cece.
- I know, yeah, okay.

[SPANISH MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

I fell asleep. How long you been driving?

Those cops look like they're about 15
and they have huge guns.

Jess, are we in Mexico?

- All in!
- We're in Mexico!

Oh, my God, pull over!
That pi?ata's shaped like a monkey!

You know what? It's gonna be weird
going back to having sex...

...without a bunch of feral dogs watching.
- Ha, ha.

Why am I not hungry? I should be hungry.

Remember when we lived in that loft
and, like, we had all those problems?

Yeah!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

All in!

Voicemail? Again?

Where have you been?
It's been four days, man.

Have you really been doing it with Jess
this whole time? That's disgusting.

Nick, I did something really wrong.

And, uh, I just need to talk to you.
I need to talk to my friend.

Come home.

I should try him again.

Dial best friend, one.

- Let's stay here.
- We're out of money.

- We got this great setup.
- This is not gonna last.

- It's not gonna last long. It isn't.
- This is a badly built shelter.

We'll go right there.

How hard could that place be to sneak into?
You all in?

JESS:
Nick, this has been fun, but...

Okay, look, everything that's bad
is waiting for us back in the loft.

But here, I'm Paradise Nick.

And Paradise Nick is mega chill.

And you're Paradise Jess, right?

We can make food and ju...

- All in.
- All in.

- How'd she take it?
- Devastated, I'm glad that's settled.

- Hey, I'm gonna go shower.
- I'm proud of you.

I know it must have been tough.

Hey, who do you call
if puzzle pieces are broken?

Oh. Hey, Winston, is Schmidt home?

Cece.

Oh, my goodness. Hi.

You need a hug?

All right.

[CECE CHUCKLES]

[WINSTON HUMMING]

Is Schmidt even here, Winston?

Yeah, yeah, he's in the shower.

Cece, I just wanna say, on my end,
that I am so, so sorry.

CECE: Sorry about what?
WINSTON: You know, Elizabeth.

- Well, what about Elizabeth?
- He made love to her.

Winston made love to Elizabeth.

After I chose you...

...Winston was all too quick
in Elizabeth's vulnerable state...

...to rush in there and get his jollies off.

- His sweaty, disgusting jollies.
- Seriously?

She must've just been so upset and hurt.
I didn't even know you were interested in her.

Tell her what you did. And give her the short
version, which you did not give to Elizabeth.

What I did. Um...

Okay, well, I drove over there.

To seduce her.

And I seduced her.

Two and a half times.

Puzzle me this, then, Winston.
How do you live with yourself?

I have a bit of a hard time believing
that Winston would do this.

Well, then,
you obviously don't know Winston.

Because he's a sick, disgusting
human being.

Just this morning he asked me
for a pair of your underpants.

- Winston, is that true?
- Hmm?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Yes.

I needed your underwear...

...to sew into my underwear.

CECE:
Oh, my God!

That is disgusting. You are a pervert!

- I'm so sorry, Cece. Just wait in the car.
- Hmm?

You have to deal with this disgusting
trash person, garbage child!

[DOOR SLAMS]

You're upset. As you should be.
That was great, man.

- How long has this been going on, man?
- Four days.

Four days and you didn't tell me?
Come on, Schmidt, I said don't lie to me.

I'm sorry. I love both of these women
and I couldn't decide.

- I needed to buy some more time.
- Cece thinks I'm wearing her panties!

Well, that's on you, man.
You freaked out super hard.

Are you kidding me? That's so weird.
Sewing people's panties into underpants.

Look, we're not best friends, Schmidt.

As a matter of fact, we're not friends at all...

...until you fix this.

Okay, all right, look, Winston, I'm sorry.

You've been working on this puzzle
for some time.

You realize a lot of those pieces are
upside down? It's just, they're cardboard color.

Is that an almond
that you have inserted into one of the pieces?

Were you eating them or using them as pieces?
You know that's an almond, right?

Aah! Schmidt, come here.

- Free cocktails.
- No way.

Yeah. We're fitting right in!

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Security guard. Freeze.
NICK: Don't, that's weird.

Did he notice you? Of course,
you're the prettiest girl on the beach.

- Shut up. We need one of these bracelets.
- So sweet.

- Bracelet.
- Yeah.

Oh, hey. Hey. Hey, pal.

That's a really cool bracelet.
Do you think I could try it on?

- No.
- Okay, will you lean in here and listen to me?

One day, you're gonna meet a girl and really
like her and want to give her everything.

You won't be able to afford it because you're
life's in shambles and you don't have money.

Look, you got a great-Iooking face.

You might have a tough go of it,
what do I know, just promise me...

...you're gonna try to enjoy life
as much as you can.

One day, you're gonna be dead
and, you know...

- Can I have your bracelet? For real?
- No.

If you don't give the bracelet,
I'm gonna strangle you to death.

- Thanks, buddy.
- Not cool.

It worked, okay, we got the bracelet,
we're back in action.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- May I see your bracelets, por favor?
- Yes.

Looks pretty on her, right?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Aah!
JESS: No!

- No! No!
- I don't speak Spanish, you snake.

What are you going to do? I'm in
the ocean now. I'm in international waters!

- I've got a shell!
- Let's go. Let's get out of here.

- Point Break style?
- No, no.

- I will Point Break style this moment.
- Nick, let's go.

Nick, stop!

[SHOUTS]

- Ow. That hurts.
- Wait. Where are you taking him?

- Jail.
JESS: Aah!

[HUMMING]

Truce, okay?

Winston, please, come on. Talk to me.

I need a friend right now.

I love both of these women
and I can't lose them and I can't hurt them.

- And we made a pact.
- No.

- You lied to me. You're a liar.
- Okay, well, then would you like some truth?

Here's some truth for you, okay?
You're terrible at puzzles.

Worst I've ever seen by a mile.
What, do you have fly vision?

Look at this puzzle, it's ages 6 and up.

- You're up, Winston. You are way up.
- You wanna say that to my face?

This is a corner piece!
How do you not see that, are you blind?

I'm so sorry, actually, a blind man could feel
the smooth edges of a corner piece!

You are making me so mad.

You are making me so mad.

- Oh, yeah?
- You're making me mad.

- Am I making you...?
- Yes, you're making me mad.

- What are you doing? Where are you going?
- What are you doing?

- What is happening?
- Ow!

- What did you do? Don't mess with me, man.
- Yes.

I'm legit. I'm legit, dude.

- I'm dizzy.
- You coming at me, son?

I need all the cash you have
and Nick's passport!

- What'd you say?
- Nick's in trouble?

SCHMIDT:
What are we doing? Nick is in jail?

WINSTON:
Nick went to jail before me?

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Hey, stop it. Stop it.
This is not the time for fighting.

Nick is in a Mexican jail.

We don't know this country, their laws.
We don't know how to get him out.

I just hope he's found somebody
who can protect him and take care of him.

- You hope he's somebody's bitch?
- No, like a mentor.

- He'd never be picked as a bitch.
- Nick can be a bitch.

A sissy, perhaps, but a bitch?

- Could not be a bitch.
- What's a sissy?

- A chubby gringo?
- Stop it!

Nick is my bitch.

[BELL DINGS]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Hi, um, we have some questions.

Jess, I got this.
I know how to handle these people.

- This for me?
- For you to send your kids to college...

...or for you to send some fun up your nose.
Your choice, bro.

Jess, don't worry. We're looking
for our friend Nick Miller, if he's still alive.

And his head, if it's separate.

You know who you should talk to? Manny.

- Manny.
- Manny.

Talk to Julio.

- Julio.
- Julio.

- Talk to Brad.
- I don't really feel right about this.

Jess, you're so naive. It's a game.
We're working our way up the ladder.

Brad is clearly the kingpin.

Thanks so much.

[JESS SCOFFS]

Okay, that didn't work. Next idea.

There are no next ideas, Schmidt.

We're out of money.
We need to just find somebody.

- Ah... Ah, oh. Just find somebody?
- Yes.

The streets down here,
they run red with hospitality.

Hey! Hey!

Hi. Sorry. I met you yesterday.
You arrested a man named Nick Miller.

- You got money?
- No, we don't have any money.

But wait, wait, wait.

Any interest in his shoes?

No, there is no way
you're getting these damn shoes, okay?

These are my favorite brown shoes!
Besides, this is all your fault.

Nick's body's being traded like cigarettes!

Those shoes are green.

WINSTON: What're you talking about?
JESS: Those are green.

They're brown as money.

- What color is Kermit the Frog?
- Brown.

- Winston. Winston. You're colorblind, dude.
- He's a brown frog.

What? I am not color blind.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
Sir, I'm so sorry.

We have no money.
We don't even have money for gas.

You got a car?

Wanna trade?

- Hey.
- Oh, my God.

I thought he was taking you to jail.

Resort jail, and it's not so bad.
They let me watch Ugly Betty.

- I brought you your passport.
- Winston, enough.

- Enough?
- Thank goodness you're alive.

- You brought them?
- I needed their help.

Winston does not get me at all.

- He's color blind, which makes him crippled.
- Color blind?

These shoes are brown.

- Green.
- Definitely green.

Okay, you both are crazy.

- Winston.
- What?

If you think those shoes are brown,
what color do you think you are?

- Jess, I can't do this.
- What?

- Do you wanna wake up to this every morning?
- As long as I wake up next to you.

- I got an idea. Let's move to Mexico.
- What?

- What?
- Hell, no.

I need you. If you leave,
then I'm with Winston and I can't handle that.

We work here. We go back to the loft,
we're not gonna make it.

- Yes, we are, we are gonna make it.
- You won't.

- Yeah, you won't.
- He's right.

I'm not ready to lose you.

I just got you, Jess.

And I'm not letting you go.

So I'm all in.

I'm shredding this passport
and I'm not leaving Mexico.

- No, you are not, sir.
- No, no. Wait, wait.

I'll put myself in
before you put your passport in.

WINSTON: Yeah, yeah, switch.
JESS: No.

Stop. Stop, Nick.

- I'll shred my ear.
- Good, do it.

I will shred myself!

- I will shred myself!
- I'm serious!

Stop. Listen to me.

We're a family.

You can't choose who you love.
Sometimes they choose you.

And sometimes it's just because
you got a really great deal on Craigslist.

I got a really great deal on Craigslist.
I got all of you.

There is no us
without Schmidt and Winston.

It's gonna be really, really hard.

But so what, Nick?

So what?

I believe in us.

I'm all in.

I really wanna go home. Ha, ha.

Come on, man, let's just go home.

- You know what, I love you guys.
- Okay.

- Let's go home.
- Great.

[SHREDDER WHIRRING]

- Oh, my God.
- No!

Get it out! Get it out!

Unplug it, Nick.

- The shredder shredded it, bro.
WINSTON: No, no, no. Guys, we're fine.

I can work with this. Ha, ha.

SCHMIDT:
Okay, everybody, just be cool. Act normal.

U.S. Citizens? Passports please.

What is this?

Sir, my name is Winston Bishop.

I'm a colorblind American citizen
and I can't do puzzles.

Now let us go home.

It says, "Unated Stites of America."

[BOTH GRUNT]

You ready?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[GROANS]

Hey, I got you something, actually.

I stole it from a kid, but...

[SIGHS]

- We can do this. Yeah.
- Yeah, we can do this.

All right.

- Yeah.
- Here we go.

I think somebody accidentally locked it.

- Where's your key?
- I don't carry a key.

- You don't carry a key? Ever?
- No.

- There's always somebody home.
- Never?

- You have to get in.
- I know how to jimmy...

Oh, my God.

JESS:
I like you so much.

- I like you, I'll start carrying a key.
- I'll carry a key for you.

For the love of God, unlock the door!

- This is so weird.
NICK: Yeah.

Sayonara masturbation
for the rest of the my life.

Hey, Cece, it's Schmidt. Hi.

You want me to come over tonight?
I think I can make that work.

Can you give me, like, five minutes? Great.
Actually, can you hold on one second?

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Heh. Hi, Elizabeth, my darling, how are you?

Uh, tonight? You wanna...? Tonight.

Can you just give me one second
so I can check my calendar? That'd be great.

I just checked it and, uh, it looks like
there's a slight problem. Um, ahem.

[SINGING]
Puzzlin'

I am puzzlin'

Looks good to me.

[SINGING]
This is my masterpiece
Ripped By mstoll